Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #176 Teach Your Children To Love Giving

Transcript

#176 Teach Your Children To Love Giving · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast.
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  Speaker 2: If we actually go out of our way to help people,
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  Speaker 2: because that's the kind of person we are. If we're
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  Speaker 2: compassionate people, then our kids learned to love giving.
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  Speaker 3: The podcast for the chain poor parent.
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  Speaker 1: He yes, one's answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, well, Hello, this is doc Justin Coilson, the author
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  Speaker 2: of six books.
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  Speaker 3: About raising happy Families.
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  Speaker 2: I'm here with my wife and co host missus Happy Families, Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: the mom to our six daughters. Before we dive into
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  Speaker 2: today's podcasts, Kylie, we asked for as a Christmas gift
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  Speaker 2: if people who enjoy the podcast could share five star
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  Speaker 2: ratings and reviews, and Age has done exactly that. Angelie
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  Speaker 2: Ladlow has left us a five star rating and review
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  Speaker 2: called us relatable and lovable.
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  Speaker 3: How nice is that?
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  Speaker 1: Seriously, this is the best Christmas gift ever.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it is.
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  Speaker 2: By the way, you can leave your ratings and reviews
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  Speaker 2: at Apple Podcasts. That's where people see them so that
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  Speaker 2: they can find out about the show. And she just
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  Speaker 2: said the absolute best and helpful family podcasts. Genuine and
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  Speaker 2: kind personalities. That's mostly you guiding you through the rollercoaster
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  Speaker 2: of parenting atually loving the episodes with missus Happy Families.
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  Speaker 2: That again is mostly you please make more well, and
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  Speaker 2: we're going to keep on making more until almost Christmas.
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  Speaker 2: Sight we'll have a quick break and then we'll be
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  Speaker 2: back in January.
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  Speaker 1: Well, just my mind is already starting to tick over
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  Speaker 1: about what we're going to talk about next year. I
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  Speaker 1: can't wait.
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  Speaker 3: Let's talk about last night.
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  Speaker 2: So I did Unspoil the Kids, a webinar for all
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  Speaker 2: of our Happy Families members and anyone else who decided
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  Speaker 2: to join in.
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  Speaker 3: Really had a lot of fun doing that.
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  Speaker 1: Yesterday's podcast we talked a little bit about gave everybody
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  Speaker 1: a sneak peek of what you talked about last night,
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  Speaker 1: and I just felt like there was this whole new
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  Speaker 1: episode coming out of it that we didn't get time
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  Speaker 1: to talk about. This idea of how to help our
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  Speaker 1: kids to love giving.
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  Speaker 3: This comes naturally to you.
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  Speaker 2: I was raised in a home where my parents were super,
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  Speaker 2: super generous, but for some reason I was pretty materialistic
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  Speaker 2: and very much what's in it for me? I wasn't
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  Speaker 2: so interested in giving and helping and serving and making
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  Speaker 2: a difference in other people's lives. I just wanted to
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  Speaker 2: look after Numero uno. Whereas you were totally the opposite.
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  Speaker 2: That's something that drew me to you. I was like, well, this,
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  Speaker 2: this woman, or you know, this young woman who I'm dating,
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  Speaker 2: is just so interested in helping other people. It was
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  Speaker 2: kind of foreign to me, but my goodness, I liked it.
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  Speaker 2: And over the years, you've done an extraordinary job of
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  Speaker 2: helping our children to love giving. I think we can
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  Speaker 2: probably always do more, but let's talk about that.
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  Speaker 1: So one of the things that our kids are from
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  Speaker 1: very very young have loved getting involved in, and I
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  Speaker 1: think this is probably where it all started for them
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  Speaker 1: as children, is we love doing what we call secret
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  Speaker 1: drop offs. And so we'll pick a couple of families
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  Speaker 1: in our neighborhood or you know, friends that live in
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  Speaker 1: a few neighborhoods away, but we'll pick a few families
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  Speaker 1: that we really want to share some Christmas love with,
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  Speaker 1: and we'll bake some treats up and then you know,
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  Speaker 1: sell a fhae them up and put a little bit
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  Speaker 1: of a ribbon on it. We don't ever let anybody
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  Speaker 1: know who we are. That's that's the excitement.
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  Speaker 3: Only the people who listen to our podcast down.
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  Speaker 1: And then we done all of our blacks. We get
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  Speaker 1: you know, we get our ninja on and we get
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  Speaker 1: in the car once it's dark, and we all go
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  Speaker 1: for a little drive to this person's house. And then
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  Speaker 1: we have to be really really stealthy. And so this
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  Speaker 1: is so much fun, doesn't matter how old the kids are.
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  Speaker 1: So our three year old, we get her really really
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  Speaker 1: riled up for this, and everyone tiptoes to the front door,
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  Speaker 1: because there's no fun if only one person does it.
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  Speaker 1: We've all got to go to the front door. So
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  Speaker 1: we all go to the front door, tiptop, tiptop, trup doe.
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  Speaker 1: And then when we get to the door, we do
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  Speaker 1: a little knock.
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  Speaker 3: It's not a little knock, it's a big, big, big knock.
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  Speaker 1: And then sometimes, depending on the layout of their house,
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  Speaker 1: we actually have to hide somewhere in the front yard
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  Speaker 1: because we can't get to the car in time. But
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  Speaker 1: other times we can get around to the neighbor's fence
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  Speaker 1: or something and we stay just long enough so we
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  Speaker 1: can see if they come to the door. I don't
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  Speaker 1: think we've got caught yet.
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  Speaker 3: Have we got caught. I think we've been caught a
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  Speaker 3: couple of times. I'm pretty sure we.
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  Speaker 2: Had because usually I've got the Vegas recollection of children
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  Speaker 2: making noises or not actually hiding behind the bushes or
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  Speaker 2: the fans or the car.
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  Speaker 3: I'm pretty sure we've been caught a few times.
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  Speaker 2: But then we just have this wonderful celebration in the
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  Speaker 2: front yard with the family that we.
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  Speaker 3: Decided to spoil a little bit. So much fun.
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  Speaker 1: It is so much fun. It doesn't matter how old
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  Speaker 1: or young you are. This is something that we really
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  Speaker 1: really loved doing. And as we sat down to plan
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  Speaker 1: Christmas this year, the kids were itching to know when
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  Speaker 1: we were going to do it next.
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  Speaker 2: So that led to the children not just loving doing
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  Speaker 2: secret Sanda drops, but something that we started in our
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  Speaker 2: family because we've got so many kids, right, so obviously
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  Speaker 2: if you've got one, two or three children, this is
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  Speaker 2: going to be pretty tricky. But when you've got six,
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  Speaker 2: you can get away with it. We call it the
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  Speaker 2: Secret Sister Santa secret drop figure. I don't know what
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  Speaker 2: it's called secret sisters.
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  Speaker 3: It's just secret sisters.
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  Speaker 2: Let's keep a simple and so the kids, because there's
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  Speaker 2: six of them, they each draw a name out of
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  Speaker 2: a hat and they buy a secret gift for their sister,
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  Speaker 2: or sometimes rather than buying a gift, we're going to
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  Speaker 2: be klinded to a secret sister for a week, or
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  Speaker 2: for a day, or for you know, until Christmas. And
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  Speaker 2: the kids have fallen in love with this idea of
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  Speaker 2: the secrecy that comes from gift giving. There's something that
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  Speaker 2: they just love about the whole altruism thing. They just
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  Speaker 2: it just feels good to do good and to be good.
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  Speaker 1: Well, what I've loved about this is this was completely
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  Speaker 1: and utterly initiated by the children. Yeah, I didn't instigate
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  Speaker 1: this at all, but as a result of our secret
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  Speaker 1: drop offs, it kind of flowed into how can I
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  Speaker 1: do something for our family and just recognizing that, you know,
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  Speaker 1: with their meager pocket money incomes, they weren't going to
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  Speaker 1: be able to do something for everyone, and so this
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  Speaker 1: was a way that they got around being able to
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  Speaker 1: enjoy the gift of giving in a much more manageable way. Well,
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  Speaker 1: did you know that there's actually some really strong science
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  Speaker 1: that tells us how we can help our children to
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  Speaker 1: love giving. I'd love to hear that.
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  Speaker 3: Let's do that.
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  Speaker 2: Next, it's their Happy Families podcap for a.
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  Speaker 1: Happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because a happy
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  Speaker 1: family does have just happened details at happy families dot
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  Speaker 1: com dot au. It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast
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  Speaker 1: for the time poor parent who just wants answers now.
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  Speaker 1: And we have been talking about how we can help
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  Speaker 1: our children to love giving.
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  Speaker 3: You know, Christmas is.
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  Speaker 1: This time where for most children, they're so excited about
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  Speaker 1: what's under the Christmas tree for them, and as parents,
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  Speaker 1: I think we just would love to help them gain
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  Speaker 1: a little bit of excitement about giving to someone else.
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  Speaker 2: New science out in the last two weeks from the
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  Speaker 2: University of California and Davis tells us that we can
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  Speaker 2: actually create kids who want to give.
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  Speaker 1: Really.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: So, in a series of lab studies, children aged four
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  Speaker 2: and six, but they had to complete this task and
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  Speaker 2: as they completed the task, they received tokens for the task,
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  Speaker 2: and they could receive up to twenty tokens. Just under
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  Speaker 2: one hundred of these children age four to six try
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  Speaker 2: to earn all these tokens. And once they're given the tokens,
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  Speaker 2: they can use those tokens and swap them out to
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  Speaker 2: win prizes and that kind of thing. But just before
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  Speaker 2: the session ended, children were told that they could donate
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  Speaker 2: all or just part of their tokens to other children.
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  Speaker 2: In the first instance, they were told that these were
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  Speaker 2: for sick kids who couldn't come in and play the
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  Speaker 2: games do these tasks in the lab. And in the
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  Speaker 2: second instance, they were told that the children that they
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  Speaker 2: could donate the tokens too were experiencing hardship. And what
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  Speaker 2: they found was that some kids were more likely to
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  Speaker 2: give tokens than others, and those children were the ones
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  Speaker 2: whose parents were actually doing something different. So while the
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  Speaker 2: kids were playing these games and earning these tokens and
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  Speaker 2: doing these tasks in the lab, the mums were sitting
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  Speaker 2: in a different room. They were filling in some surveys
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  Speaker 2: about the way they raised their kids. They were specifically
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  Speaker 2: answering questions about their compassionate love for their children and
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  Speaker 2: for other people in general. So they answer questions in
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  Speaker 2: their survey like I would rather engage in actions that
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  Speaker 2: help my child, that engage in actions that help me,
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  Speaker 2: or those whom I encountered through my work in public
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  Speaker 2: life can assume that I will be there if they
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  Speaker 2: need me. Or I would rather suffer myself than see
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  Speaker 2: someone else, like a stranger suffer.
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  Speaker 3: And what they found was that.
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  Speaker 2: Children's generosity was supported by their mother's compassionate love. Now
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  Speaker 2: there's something else that's really really interesting about this. The
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  Speaker 2: kids were wearing heart rate monitors while they did the task.
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  Speaker 2: You played the game, earned the tokens and were asked
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  Speaker 2: if they would like to give them away, And the
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  Speaker 2: researchers found that the kids at both age four and
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  Speaker 2: six showed lower heart rate arousal. That is, they were
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  Speaker 2: more calm, they were more soothed. They actually felt better
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  Speaker 2: when they shared, like their heart rates didn't go up.
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  Speaker 2: It wasn't anxiety inducing for them to have to be generous.
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  Speaker 2: It just felt normal and natural and good.
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  Speaker 3: To do that. This is fascinating, isn't it amazing? As
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  Speaker 3: a four year old get.
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  Speaker 2: Four or five six year old kids, and I think
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  Speaker 2: what that really says. It's I mean, there's some fancy
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  Speaker 2: science in there, but what it really says is, as parents,
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  Speaker 2: if we're a good example, if we actually go out
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  Speaker 2: of our way to help people because that's the kind
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  Speaker 2: of person we are, if we're compassionate people, then our
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  Speaker 2: kids learned to love giving.
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  Speaker 1: I wish this would flow into it if I'm a
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  Speaker 1: clean mum, that my kids would be like how this
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  Speaker 1: doesn't flow on in that area at all.
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  Speaker 2: Well, you know what, long term, we've discovered that it
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  Speaker 2: does because our eldest daughter has maybe moved out and
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  Speaker 2: gotten married and she's actually really clean like you now,
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  Speaker 2: but when she was home she wasn't.
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  Speaker 3: But that's such a good line. But bring it back
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  Speaker 3: to the whole idea.
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  Speaker 2: You know, people say that they want their kids to
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  Speaker 2: be giving and they want their kids to be selfles,
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  Speaker 2: but it starts with us. I think that's what that
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  Speaker 2: research really shows. The other thing that I love, though,
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  Speaker 2: is just that heart rate monitor that the regulation this
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  Speaker 2: idea that our children it feels good for them their
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  Speaker 2: heart rates stay consistent and low and stable in the
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  Speaker 2: act of generosity, whereas the kids for whom this is
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  Speaker 2: a hard thing, their heart rates going up.
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  Speaker 3: They're anxious.
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  Speaker 2: They're like, oh no, no, no, I can't give away these
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  Speaker 2: tokens that I've just earned. They're trying to hang on
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  Speaker 2: to it.
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  Speaker 1: It's probably a good thing our kids aren't wearing heart
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  Speaker 1: monitors when we're doing our secret drop offs, because I'm
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  Speaker 1: telling you now, heart.
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  Speaker 3: Right through the room.
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  Speaker 2: So we would love to know from you. How do
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  Speaker 2: you help your kids love giving? Are you compassionate? Are
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  Speaker 2: you looking for ways that you can serve or are
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  Speaker 2: you just saying, come on, kids, be more generous because
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  Speaker 2: I'm generous with you trying to sort of pester them
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  Speaker 2: into being thoughtful of others so you can do the
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  Speaker 2: secret sister. Although if you've only got two kids, it
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  Speaker 2: kind of does make it a little bit tricky.
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  Speaker 3: To do that.
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  Speaker 1: It does, but you know, the reality is it's not
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  Speaker 1: about whether it's secret or not. I think it's just
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  Speaker 1: incuraging our kids to get involved in the gift of giving.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're right, we'd love to hear from you our
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  Speaker 2: email addresses podcasts that's podcasts within airs podcasts at happy
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  Speaker 2: Families dot com dot au. We'd love to be able
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  Speaker 2: to share your best ideas with everyone who's listening to
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: the podcast to inspire a happier and kinder Christmas. We
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: hope you've enjoyed the podcast. As always, we love your
• 11:22
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• 11:24
  Speaker 2: us a five star rating and reviews so that other
• 11:26
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  Speaker 3: About the podcast.
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  Speaker 2: And we appreciate both Justin rule On, our producer from
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  Speaker 2: Bridge Media, and our executive producer, Craig Bruce, for helping
• 11:33
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  Speaker 2: more information about how to help your family to flourish,
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  Speaker 2: or if you'd like to have ongoing monthly support, visit
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  Speaker 2: happy families dot com dot au