Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 29. Fostering Connection in Your Family with Lisa Dooley

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29. Fostering Connection in Your Family with Lisa Dooley · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, just real talk from my heart, a Heart that Beats for Home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode here at A Heart that Beats for Home.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: We are so excited to have you with us coming to the end of our summer series on parenting and I am so excited to have a dear friend with us today on parenting.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: And I am so excited to have a dear friend with us today, lisa Dooley, who I have known for man a decade plus and just have got to do life with Lisa, watch her parent, watch her be an amazing wife and a friend and a business leader.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: We share a heart for international missions and have been able to connect on a couple of different things there, and I just love this woman, and one of the things I have tried really hard this summer in bringing to you different people to talk about parenting and marriage is to bring you people that I have been able to have a front row seat at how they do life.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: And we are not about perfection here, but we are about authenticity and about growing and learning, and I just love so much how Lisa shows up in life and I'm excited just to have a conversation today with her about parenting through kind of the high school and young adult stages and also just how her and her husband have been able to prioritize their marriage and grow in that together to a place that now, as their kids are getting older, they're excited about spending the next chapters together as they figure out what comes next.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: And so I'm just excited for you guys to be here on this conversation that we get to have with Lisa as she opens up about parenting and marriage.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: So, lisa, thank you so much for being here.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: Tell us just a little bit about yourself.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: Well, nikki, I'm so honored to be here and what an amazing topic I get to talk on, and I do promise to be real and authentic and vulnerable, just as I know we don't have it all, you know, completely figured out.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: We're all on this journey together.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: So I am a wife of 22 years coming up this month 22 years, and so I'm so grateful for that and a mom to three amazing kids.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: And it's Cam.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: He's 19 now.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: Cole is 16.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: And Lane is 12, almost 13.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: So I'm about to have three teenagers.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: All my kids are about to be teenagers, so that's crazy to me.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: So I love this season of life, though I'm learning and growing, but I've really enjoyed every season.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: Not that I'm saying they haven't had struggles, by any means, but I've loved every season with my kids, and this being a super sweet season for us.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Lisa tell us a little bit.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: So you know, today we're focusing in this series of parenting more on those older kids and absolutely we can both attest that man is every stage different than the last one.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: They all have so many wonderful things.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: They all have hard things.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: I think one really big thing that I hear from moms is just it's hard to understand and to maybe adapt to.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: How do we communicate with kids as they're getting older?
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: Would you be able to share with us just a little bit and I love that you have the boys and the girl and how that can be so different?
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: Would you just share with us a little bit about how you've approached?
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: I noticed that your family I see it have very open communication.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: There's no beating around the bush, it is real and raw in the Dooley family.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: Would you just talk a little bit about how you handle just having healthy communication?
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you kind of said it, nikki is honestly just having that open line of communication at all times.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: My kids can come to me with anything it doesn't have to be the perfect.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: They can come to me with their relationship things their questions about.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: They have questions about everything, and I learned from a dear friend that there is a point where kids will open up and ask questions and it's like an elevator door and it opens and then it shuts, and so when you have that elevator door moment, you really want to be there, not be distracted, and listen in and answer those questions.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: I think one of the things that we do and have done for years and that continues on now is and this is kind of I love practical tips, and so this practical tip is we have a nighttime prayer.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: We call it just our prayer time.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: You can call it whatever, but whether it's late, whether it's, you know, we try to get it done at a decent time.
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: But we sit down and we talk about the day a little bit.
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: On Sundays we try to have a like mapping out the week, and then at that time, though, where this comes as far as communication is, we just talk and we end up.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: It ends up lasting way longer.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: My husband gets so annoyed about things because it takes forever.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: But we laugh, we talk, we get things out and I truly believe that one day my kids will look back and say it's they miss that probably most is our family, that nighttime kind of recap of the day which, honestly, if I'm, if I'm being super honest, it's mostly laughter because it always ends up there somehow.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: But I think that that opens the door for knowing they can laugh with us, they can cry with us, they can come to us with the hard, they can come to us with just questions, spiritually, in their relationships, just while they're walking in school, and we see that.
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: I will say it's definitely different with my boys having one daughter.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: She tells me everything, everything from the second we get in the car to school till, like we're catching that both of us.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: I found now that I'm like telling her as much I can't wait to get her in the car to tell her my day too, and so I.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: It's definitely more of a.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: You know she's similar to me obviously being females and stuff.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: But then my boys I kind of have to dig things out of them, but they do know we are an open book family.
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: There's nothing hidden, and they can come to us about anything.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: So I don't know if that's a tips, but that's that's what I would say, you know we've done.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's great.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: I love that elevator analogy.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: That is so true, I think.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we think, well, a kid asks us a question and you say, hey, that's a great question, let me finish.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: But the reality is, especially as they get to be older, that those opportunities, even just with their emotions changing and if they felt bold or vulnerable enough to maybe talk about it, and you do miss that window, the elevator could very well have left the floor and be heading somewhere else.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: I think that is such a good visual picture and absolutely too, that difference between girls and boys and just having to ask a little bit more leading questions to get the guys to start to talk.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: But, man, when they do and what I hear there specifically from you is just consistency.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: It's that when we consistently show up, I think it's like in any relationship.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: When you go long periods of time, you feel like there's that re-catching up or I have to kind of ease back in to be able to open up.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: But with that nightly I love that, just that nightly check in you never get the drought periods where it feels like then you have to rebuild that trust.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: That's, I think, super powerful.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: So around that, with schedules and stuff.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: I'm just kind of now intrigued on my own and knowing schedules and craziness as kids get older.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: First of all, two part question have you been doing that since they were little or is that kind of a newer thing as they've gotten older?
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: And how do you set up boundaries and parameters around that Like, is it required or is it just whoever is home at this time of night?
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: How does that kind of look?
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: practically it required or is it just whoever is home at this time of night?
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: How does that kind of look practically?
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, great question.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: So I'd love to say it's every single night, but we really do try to.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: There are some just super late nights, it just doesn't happen.
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: But overall it does happen and so it's just an expectation or almost like we look forward to that.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: It's how we close off our day, and so whether if maybe I'm gone, maybe I've got a work meeting or vice versa, my husband's gone, it's just something like if I get home later I'll say, hey, did you guys do a prayer time?
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: And they're like, yeah, so it was already done.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: So I'm not like trying to redo it, I'm that, I'm great with that, but just as long as it's been done, um, so it definitely looks different at different times and you know, busy season it's harder, and I'll even just say something that we do One person will lead us in prayer.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: Maybe it's just an overall prayer, a general prayer, and sometimes we, honestly, we do the Lord's prayer and that's a quick, simple and perfect prayer, and so sometimes we'll just do that as a family and kind of close it off.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: So I don't remember the exact ages, but we've been doing this for years.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: So powerful.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: Thanks for kind of giving us a little bit more there.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: I know that people are going to take and try to implement and again for those of you that are listening that have younger kids, absolutely it's easier to implement things and have these patterns when they're younger, but I am a firm believer that it is never too late.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter if your child is a senior in high school and you feel like I totally missed the opportunity.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: I believe that the end years at home are really what send them out with those strong memories and just that foundation.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: So, no matter where your kids are at, I think something like this is a great thing to be able to implement.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: So then let's talk about Lisa a little bit, just about conflict and challenges of adolescence and emotions, again looking different for boys than girls, but I will say, having a teenage boy, I have been surprised that there is still a lot of emotional shifting that happens even with the boys.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: I think girls kind of get the bad rap of being all over the place, but in doing some research, really understanding too that that 14 years old depending upon where you're at with your kids, 14 years old historically for boys is when you really see that fluctuation of emotions and just trying to navigate.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: How do I stay calm?
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: How do I be the you know kind of the steady force for my kids and walk through some of those highs and lows?
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: What would you say to that whole stage and development with teenagers?
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, again, a great question, and I think that I'm going to kind of back up, honestly, to be fully filled up.
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: It's a number one in my life, to be honest my quiet time with the Lord, my morning time.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: I know I need to be strong as a mom and a leader in this home, and so one it starts with us.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: Are we pouring in?
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: How are we as far as mentally, physically, spiritually, are we getting rest?
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: Are we doing those?
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: You know the things that we know to do For me, I get up first thing and have my quiet time, and my kids have seen me do that for years and years and years and so being filled up.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: Then, as far as kind of conflict and you know, my, our children all have different personalities, as, I'm sure, everyone listening to this your children have different personalities and so I can honestly say all three of my kids are super, super different.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: We're walking the stage with now having one out of school, out of high school, and graduated and really took a road that was kind of the common road and kind of what was expected, and then that didn't work out.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be honest, it didn't work out for him and that's okay.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: We're walking that season.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: Right now, I think one of the things that my husband and I have had to do, we can kind of really get caught up in, you know, thinking something should be a certain way, feeling like it should be, and maybe things aren't moving as fast as we feel like they should be.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: But we have to take a step back, and my husband's so good at this taking a step back and going hang on.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: Not every one of our conversations is going to be around this subject, like our kids are doing amazing.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: It might not be exactly.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: We know we want them on a straight point from A to point B, but we obviously know that is not how it works and it's their own journeys and so, just remembering that it's their own journey, we cannot do anything other than be there.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: We can pray, we can be an encouragement, we can guide still, and there's parenting going on, obviously even after I, I think the rest of your life with your kids.
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: But just being that constant voice of it's, this fine line of lifting up and calling up but not calling out, and that's what I have to remember constantly is to remind my kids.
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: This is so huge, nikki.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: I love the quote that says, most of the time people don't need to be told what to do, they need to be reminded who they are.
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: And so I took this and I thought I'm going to remind my kids who they are, particularly my oldest, who's walking this trying to figure things out season.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: And I remind him of who he is, and I've spoken this verse over him since he was a little boy he's God's workmanship.
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: He's created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which he prepared in advance for him to do.
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: And I remind him that's who you are and so whatever path you get there, but it's who you are, and so that has been huge.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: But I'm not going to say we haven't perfected, because there'll be these little storms and then it's like, okay, and then little storms, but we just have to.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: I will say my husband's so good at just kind of backing out and going let's take a big look at this.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: You and I have a lot of other things to talk about than just that one situation that can kind of, you know, overtake your, your conversation, your thoughts, your energy, and I'm like, yeah, because honestly, there's only so much we can individually do.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: It's got to be something in them and we firmly believe that's happening and we firmly believe that's happening, and we know what God says about him and who he is.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: That's powerful, Lisa, I mean it's so true this whole.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: I think you know, in talking about the different stages of parenting that we're going through this summer and being in this 12 to 18 year old as coaching, and how that looks so much different than the earlier disciplining and teaching stages and when we try to overteach in the coaching stages, I think that's where a lot of families run into that constant rub of now.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: Somebody else said it early in the podcast that we all long for freedom and there's this stage in our kids growing up where all of a sudden they start to realize like I really I'm made for freedom, I'm made to go and to fly, and yet us as parents still trying to hold on and maybe have a little bit more control than they need or want.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: And, man, what you have said that I'm calling up instead of calling out because it is easy to fixate on the thing that you're like why are they not seeing it?
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: Why are they not doing it the way that maybe we had laid out or that we had prayed for?
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: And then also taking that second to look back on my own life.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: I know your husband and my husband are very similar and how grateful I am for a man who will pull me out of kind of the center of the storm, where I kind of honestly sometimes feel like I naturally want to hang out and be like, no, let's take care of this, let's beat this until it's over.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: But being able to come out of the eye of the storm and to see the bigger picture and just how powerful that is, to call them up instead of calling them out, that is so powerful, Lisa.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: So powerful that and then say again what you said the line about they don't need to be, they need to remember what was the first part.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, most of the time, people don't need to be told what to do, they need to be reminded who they are, and I would love to actually, if it's okay, nikki, to give an example here.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: Is that okay?
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: So my daughter she's having it was like a couple, couple weeks stint of some attitude, you know.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: I mean I'm sure we can all relate and so overall she does a really good job of pretty well keeping that in check, but it was just a couple weeks Like it was just ongoing.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: Ongoing.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: We were butting heads.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm taking things away, I'm giving her, you know, consequences, those types of things Like you're not going to treat me that way.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: You know, your sibling, whatever just attitude, and I just took a step back.
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: It was one night and I just thought you know what, I'm going to stop doing that and I'm going to remind her who she is.
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: And I brought her into my bedroom and I said, sissy, this is not who you are.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: You are kind, you are generous, you, you are kind, you are generous, you're loving, you're compassionate, you're fierce, you're these things.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: And I spoke that life over her and there's where the tears were.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: There.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: The tears came and it makes me want to cry because it's just reminding our children who they are, instead of fixating on that negative thing that may be happening, because there's a reason that's going on inside of them.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: I'm not justifying it, I'm not saying they should do that, but just reminding them who they are.
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: It's powerful.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: And you guys, that's not just our kids, that's in every relationship reminding and remembering who they are.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: They might be walking a little season, but remind them who they are and us as individuals, as Christians, as people that just walk in love, seeing the best.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: My mom always taught me it's so easy to find the dirt on people.
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: It's so easy to talk about the dirt.
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: It's so easy to find the dirt.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: It's a lot harder to find the gold.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: But focus on the gold.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: That's truly where the gold is is focusing on the gold in people.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: Thanks for being willing to share that.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: I think it's so good to hear those practical stories and if we self-examine our own lives, even for a hot second, you would go.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: When I act in this certain way, it's not because of what's happening right there, it's because of something right.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: When I'm short with my kids, or when my kids say something that triggers me to don't you dare disrespect me.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: In a lot of times they're not even intending to disrespect, but something inside of me, my own securities, my own hurts, are causing that reaction.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: And just the powerful truth in that least.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Just to take a second and instead of fixating again, it's not excusing, it's redirecting.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: And sometimes redirecting is so powerful and when you see the tears you go.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: Okay, I could have disciplined and taken away till I was blue in the face, but until you get right out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks like what is happening in the heart that's causing this.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: So that is super powerful.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: Thanks for sharing that example.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: And then, okay, let's start to transition now again until, cause, I think, you're in the stage where you have that 12 to 18, the coaching, and you're moving into that 18 and beyond, which then becomes the friendship stage.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: Which man, is that a hard transition?
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: Because I still so, I desperately want to be my children's friend and we have great relationship.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: But then how this, this art of letting go talk a little bit more about that transition of that role, is your oldest son.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: He's not living at home, correct?
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: He's moved out.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: Yes, he's moved out.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: How are you guys navigating just that whole dynamic of the shifting of that relationship and what it looks like in your home?
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so we have had a lot of change.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: Obviously, he moved out after senior year, went on to college in the fall, and then that transition happened to where you know, school was not for him in this season and so he does live in a house on, but it is actually on our land that we're moving to.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: So he did move out and will continue to be out.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: But what I will say is it was something that I always looked at, knowing our family dynamic would never be the same once even one leaves the nest.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: I think I mourned that mostly of that.
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: It would never be the same.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: But it also it is such a sweet season because now, because he is out of the home, he's calling his dad, he's calling me daily.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: It is a friendship, it is a.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: I'm just want to see what you're doing.
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: I'm going to drop by.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: He came in last night, he came over and we had dinner and just such a great time.
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: My kids love when he's here.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: We just cherish the time so much that we can be together.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: There's laughter there are the energy changes when he comes home.
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: It that we can be together, there's laughter there, the energy changes when he, when he comes home.
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: It's just, it's awesome.
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: But I'm also finding this sweet, the sweetness of our middle son who is very even keel as they come, calm, as a cucumber.
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: He's really stepping up and shining and he's always been okay to be under his brother's shadow.
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: He's never wanted the spotlight brother's shadow, he's never wanted the spotlight and now he's kind of like just really developing and I think that is so fun to see.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: I'm even seeing my youngest in my middle.
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: They are getting closer and closer and I just think it's the sweetest thing and it's the way the Lord designs this.
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: You know it is to be that way.
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: So yeah, I mean, it's it's.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: I can definitely feel more of a friendship with my oldest going into that season.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: We're on that balance of parenting and friendship.
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: But I love when it can be the friendship side of it with with my oldest, for sure having moved out of the house.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: So yeah, it's looking different, but it's a great we're we're enjoying this season so much.
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: I can't talk yet about our middle one moving out yet.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: Like I can't even think about it.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: So I can't go there in my head yet.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: But I know like, just as everything, there's seasons and God prepares your heart, so right now he's not to move out.
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: He still has two more years at home, and so I don't have to think about that right now, but we're enjoying just each of these moments because I know how fast it goes and then that family dynamic changes.
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: It doesn't change for the worst, it just changes.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: It's just a new sweetness about each of our relationships, and even this in our home too.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: I can so relate to that, our kids being very similar layout, yours and mine just totally seeing how three years ago, when our oldest moved out, how that dynamic shifted of the middle child really being able to be like okay, like I've got somebody who's now kind of looking up to me, and just how that friendship becomes very sweet again with a boy and a girl, and just the driving to school together and the bond that they had.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: And it is really cool how I think God in his goodness, in the stages of parenting that have.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: For me moving my daughter out was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done, like that drop at campus being hours away and leaving, but yet the sweetness with it as well.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: And I think in this parenting stage I try to explain to people that it's excruciatingly beautiful and I think that's like those two words they do kind of, or they're always together in these kids getting older and growing up, because there are excruciating parts that like as a mom, it's that letting go and and knowing.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: I think again I agree with you that it's the grieving, what was like.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: There are stages now that that's just done.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: That's just every time that that used to be expected.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: Now it's like it's, it's not expected, and so when it happens, it's such a blessing.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: I think there is that morning stage and, man, it is just an interesting transition.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: But so many beautiful things and as much as you're losing as stages come to an end.
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: There are so many great things that we gain.
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: So I appreciate your insight on that.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Let's switch gears a little bit and talk about marriage.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: I have got to see you and your hubby who again your hubby reminds me so much of my husband just good, solid, strong men that are just supporters and they're constant and they are steady and just such leaders in our family.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: What would you say just in, in all stages?
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: On this one, I don't feel like we have to keep it just at this specific stage, but what has been some things for you, you guys, to just prioritize your marriage through the demands of parenting and life, just all the things that we walk through.
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: So how, how in 22 years?
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: have you balanced that bringing in businesses and kids and schedules?
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: I will say, you know, of course, like in everything, it's seasons.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: But I will say, and I have to give all credit to my husband, honestly, all credit because he protects our marriage, he, when he knows like we need a date night, we need this, and he, he actually loves to have either a trip, a weekend, a night, like maybe you can't swing a whole week, maybe it's a weekend, maybe it's one night.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: But what I've learned and some little advice, I got along the way somewhere having something to look forward to, like vacation, let's just say, for example, half the fun of that is looking forward to it, and so it's not the vacation week it goes, or weekend, whatever it just say, for example, half the fun of that is looking forward to it, and so it's not the vacation week it goes, or weekend, whatever it is goes so fast.
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: So really looking forward to it.
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: And so something Court and I have done, I think well, is put something on the calendar.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: So, for instance, this Saturday night for Christmas I bought him concert tickets for his favorite band and so we booked.
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: We could only really get away one night, but hey, it's one night and we've looked forward to it for now since Christmas, and here it's rolled around, and so I would say putting those specific things on the calendar and prioritizing that.
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: And another thing I will say is that my husband does such a great job at.
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: He jokes a lot with the kids and he's like I love you guys, but I one day, when you're out of the house, I'm going to have your mom all to myself again, and so he just healthily you know we're not speeding that but he just he really gives them.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: She's my top priority.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: This marriage is the top priority in this home.
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: I got such a great tip from a pastor early on.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: We were early married and he said if you want to know, the best thing you can do for your children is to have an amazing marriage to love each other.
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: Well, it's the number one thing you can do for your kids.
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: And obviously faith.
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: I believe in order to have that marriage that he's talking about, it's centered on faith.
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: You know God at the top and then your husband and that umbrella of the family.
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: So just know I'm saying that, but then just having that marriage that you can model for your kids, that's going to be like the number one picture of marriage is going to be in what they grew up with.
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: I did not grow up with that, I did not have a good example of that and I remember just not understanding what it could be.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: But I knew what I didn't want and I love my parents so much it's my stepdad and my mom and I love my parents so much it's my stepdad and my mom.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: But I also I knew there was different and I was determined to find that and center that around God.
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: And so I will say that we've done a good job.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: We date.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: We literally still date.
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: Everything's called a date in our home.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: Even if Court and I run to lunch, it's called a lunch date, because I think it just puts a little bit.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: You know that's special, and so we try at this point.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: One of my reasons I built my business was to give my husband choices in his career.
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: So he was able to start his business about six years ago and that has given us time, a little bit more time freedom.
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: It's given us a little more margin for our marriage.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: Example he's coming home for lunch here in just a little bit.
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: So or we'll meet out for lunch probably two to three times a week.
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: At this point we can do that.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: We weren't always able to do that by any means, but he can run home for lunch and so I just think about we prioritize each other.
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: We're best friends but we also our schedules run crazy with was three kids in sports and doing all the things church, all the things that we do.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: But really making it a point that if you were to ask our kids, I truly believe they would say our parents' marriage is a huge.
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: It's outside of our faith.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: It's the biggest priority in our family.
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: So important and I do.
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: I get to see that not so much up close because we don't live by each other, but I love every time you post on Facebook.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: I find that you guys just enjoy being together, whether it's you're driving in the truck with him to go look at his jobs or site visits, or in a tractor around property, whatever it is, there is just a friendship that you can really meet.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: And for mamas that are listening, I do want to just take a second, and I know that it can feel overwhelming when you have lots of littles.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: Lisa and I are both in a stage right now where we can leave at lunch.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: We can leave our kids at home for two hours to go grocery shop or do some of the things that you cannot do, and I just want to encourage young moms specifically here find opportunities in your home.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: It doesn't always have to be dating out.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: It can be a candle at the dining room table at nine o'clock at night on a Thursday after you've put your kids to bed.
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: It's just carving out time.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: That shows priority.
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: And when the kids come downstairs to say, no, this is, this is mine and dad's date, you need to go back to bed.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: We can set that precedent in so many different ways, and so, if you're a young parent, I just want to encourage you.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: There are days coming ahead where you can just get in a car and go and you don't need a babysitter and you don't have to plan the meal and lay out the pajamas.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: And those days are coming and it's worth the sacrifice of being creative and leaning in at home in small chunks of time in the early years to have the relationship that that builds for these later years.
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: So just be encouraged, mamas.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: If you're in that thick of it stage where you feel like, yeah right, I could never go out for lunch a couple of times, those days are coming.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: Put the work in now so that you have that relationship down the road.
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: So, lise, thanks for sharing that with us.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: I'm going to jump into the questions that we've been asking every guest this summer.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: These are just fun.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: They don't have to be super thought out, just kind of whatever comes first.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: But, lisa, what is one parenting hack that you swear by?
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: Well, I will just say this Maybe spending time with the kids without correction, without a to-do list, with giving them a to-do list and this is so hard for me, oh my gosh but it's going.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: What do they love to do?
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: Go out and spend 20 minutes doing it.
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: I heard that even recently in a sermon, I think it was.
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: So often we get in the times and we let's check off, check off, check off, next, next, next, and I can so do that, but maybe you don't even enjoy it.
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: I'm going to give you an example.
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: So my daughter loves, like chalk art.
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: Still at 12 years old, she's wanting to go out on the driveway and just she's so artistic.
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: And now she's very athletic and so normally it's focused on sports.
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: So I'll go out and rebound for her or do things, but like she just loves to do that, I don't have one artistic bone in my entire body, but I can sit and be with her and so it's finding things that the kids with their true interests, and then just spending even 20 minutes.
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: It means so much undistracted phone away.
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: So I would say that would probably be a hack.
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: I need to master it better, but it's a hack.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: And don't you feel like those are the times when the elevator door that you referenced earlier that is when I feel like the elevator door opens and sometimes it's a slower close than in other places.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: So just that being like you said is so powerful.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: Okay, number two share a memorable parenting fail that you can now look back and laugh on, fail that you can now look back and laugh on.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: Oh goodness, a fail.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: Or even like if I could redo that, I would maybe redo it this way.
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: Well, I will say one big thing comes to mind as far as definitely feeling like the season you just described earlier for younger moms.
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: I remember early on in my business and we were doing a meeting and we were making food and we just went all out.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: I mean it was just like crazy.
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: And then court working and trying to get home and the kids, and I just remember really, really having a short fuse with our middle son, you know.
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: I think he came up and asked me something and it just, just like you said earlier, like it struck something in me and I look back and I still remember that he does not thank God, but I remember that and thinking take it in stride.
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: I especially want things to be perfect, being a one on the Enneagram and just thinking things, everything had to be perfect.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be Like life goes on, those little moments pass and it's how you're going to treat, treat that child in that moment of that pressure.
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: So I would say that was definitely a fail.
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: I'm not even sure I could laugh about it now because I still feel bad about it, although he doesn't even remember it.
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: But just just being able to take a step back, realize it doesn't have to be perfect.
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: The meeting would go on even if I didn't get every single thing done that I needed or whatever, and so I would say that's probably the biggest thing that comes to mind.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: And relatable, because we all get there and I think maybe the question needs to be that you can laugh or learn from and I think, so often you have this moment where you lay in bed.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: I always call it the mom guilt quilt that we snuggle ourselves in up at night.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: We pull that mom guilt quilt all the way up to our chin and I honestly, lisa and I know you would agree I can't look back at anything and say me being short or frustrated with my kids made that event go better or made that thing.
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: It's just, it's our own stuff.
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: We get so caught up in this perfectionism and performance and to do that it is.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: And they say, the ones we hurt the most are the ones that are closest to us because we know they forgive.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: Thank God for kids with short memories, my greatest, my greatest regrets as well.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: I'll ask the kids and they'll be like, yeah, no, I don't remember that and I'm like, thank you, lord, for their short memories.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: Yes for sure.
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: What about?
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: What is your go-to activity for creating lasting memories for your family?
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: Our go-to?
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: oh, my goodness.
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: Well, we love we.
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: Now, this was just.
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: A lifelong dream was to be able to have an RV and to go camping.
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: So whether that?
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: But I will back up and say we have tent camps and we loved that too.
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: However, I'm glad we have graduated now.
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: I call it glamping.
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: So if you need to start small, I just say I would just recommend getting out in nature, nature together.
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: No phones.
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: There's a I mean, god created it.
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: There's beauty, there's healing, there's peace.
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: So get out in nature, however that might look.
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: For us it's now we get to have this RV, but we can slow down.
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: We play games like actual physical games, put our phones away.
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: We're making meals together, we're sitting around the fire, and so those things, I think, will be what my family remembers the most are camping trips.
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: So that's our go-to.
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: If we could get away and be camping, that's what we love to do.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: So fun.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: Okay, what about?
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: How do you recharge as a mom and I know you touched about this a little bit kind of in your routines but what's something specifically as a mom that you do to recharge so that you're not running on empty?
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I'm going to have to echo what I already said about my morning quiet time, like I have made that such a routine now that I don't even feel normal if I don't have it, and I honestly know it's what's best for my family because then I function better.
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: I have gotten to now I'm loving to take just walks and I had a dear friend tell me once.
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: You know I was like hey, can you send me a podcast, can you send me a sermon, like something you've listened to recently?
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: I'm about to go on a walk and this really changed, changed my life when she said this.
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: She said I'm going to challenge you to go on a walk with nothing.
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: And I was like what Not like listen to something or you know be improving in some way or something, you know getting something done?
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: And she's like no, just go without your phone.
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: Or maybe you want to keep your phone, I don't know, but just don't listen to anything.
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: And then you just take notice of the birds, the air, the people, the everything, because you don't have an agenda, you're just out, walking, enjoying nature, and I just think like there's so much to be said in that and just that peace of being outside, walking, recharging, being alone with the Lord you may be just you and the Lord and talking Maybe that's that's what you need.
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: So I will say I'm loving that.
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: That as well in this season.
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: So yeah, Lisa, that's so interesting.
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: I just recently was on a walk and my phone died and literally I had like this moment of panic, like, well, I should just end my walk because now my my steps aren't being tracked and I don't have my like.
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: Everything is so tied into so many different factors, and so ended up finding myself on that walk and it's all good things, we're listening to, it's great sermons and it's this and it's that.
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: But in the silence I was like, well, now what do I do?
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: And the first thing that came to mind was pray for your kids.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: Like you're consuming all of this learning about how to parent and how to do that.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: Like how about, now that it's quiet and you don't have things coming in, how about you just pray for your kids?
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: And it's crazy how sometimes we have to have those reminders that you think, well, that should be like just an obvious, but sometimes it is.
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: It's just our brains have so many tabs specifically as moms open all the time, and how are we going to expect God to talk to us and how are we going to talk to him if we don't have those times where it's just quiet?
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: I love that you brought that up, okay, and then let's end with this, and I'm going to give you a freebie of the Bible, because that's going to be your answer.
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: So, in addition to the Bible, what is your favorite resource as a mom that gives you advice, support or inspiration?
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: My favorite resource.
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: I don't have really any other book that I would just say I would go to.
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: If I'm being honest, it would be Godly Mentors.
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: I have a couple in my life.
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: One of my best friends is she's in her young 60s, but just a whole season ahead of me in life, and so I will go to that particular friend or I will seek godly counsel.
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: I know that's one of the best things we can do and it's the way God designed it.
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: He says you want to have a is it a Paul?
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: Or you want to have a Timothy and a?
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm going to butcher that I can't remember the saying, but it's like you want to have a Timothy and a.
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm going to butcher that I can't remember the saying, but it's like you want to have someone you're mentoring, but someone you're going to as a mentor as well.
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: And so I would say that's probably my go-to is calling up a godly woman, a wife, a mom, that could give me some some sound advice outside of the Bible and the word.
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: And I don't have my mom anymore.
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: She went to be with the Lord two years ago, so that would have been outside of the Bible and God had been my mom, but now that I don't have her, it is just godly counsel and I'm so thankful because through these years I wasn't just, I didn't seek out just friendships that were my age.
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: I sought out friendships that were older and wiser and man, they can speak so much into you.
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: So that's probably my advice on that.
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: Proverbs talks so much about the council of advisors that we surround ourselves where there is a council of advisors, and just it is so wise in all areas when we surround ourselves with people who have gone before us, that are doing it again never perfect, but who have walked with grace and faith and have an outcome that speaks to the work that was done, to the harvest.
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: It is so great to have those people.
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: Lisa, you are somebody that I just adore and I love having you in the inside circle we talk a lot about.
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: There are those that are around you that speak at you, and then there are those that you give permission to speak into you, and you are one of the ones that I have always given permission to speak into because I value everything you say.
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: I know that you are seeking the Lord and therefore I trust you in all areas, and so I am just so grateful.
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: I know that there are so many moms that listen here every week and dads that can just take away so much from you being willing to share some of your experience.
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: So before we wrap up, is there anything else that we didn't touch on?
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: I feel like we could have a four-part interview here.
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: Anything else that you want to add is just kind of an encouragement to moms as they're navigating the day-to-day of parenthood.
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think there's actually one last thing I just want to share, nikki, and thank you.
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: I just want to say thank you for this opportunity and for what you're doing, and just that.
• 39:18
  Speaker 2: It's the ripple effect of your obedience.
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: It's huge, and so I want to just leave you with this.
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: If you're a mom on here and I know there's dads listening as well so a mom or a dad, I think one thing I want to encourage you is to have fulfillment outside of your children.
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: Thing I want to encourage you is to have fulfillment outside of your children.
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: I heard this quote and it was just basically one of the best things you can do for your children is to be a fulfilled mom, or, let's just say, dad in this instance too, because when we aren't fulfilled outside of our children, it puts a lot of pressure on our kids, and I think Nikki touched on that just a little bit, I believe, but I don't want that pressure for my kids.
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: I also know my kids are leaving the nest, and so I want to have things outside of my children and they need to see me fulfilled and going for goals and dreams and and even though, like my favorite thing is all I knew as a little girl I wanted to be with a wife and mom, and so it is just the desire of my heart, with everything in me.
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: But I also know to be the best for really my Lord and Savior.
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: I have a call on my life and my biggest mission field are my children.
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: That's my biggest mission field.
• 40:20
  Speaker 2: But I have mission field.
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: Our mission field is where our feet go, and so wherever our feet go, we're to be the light into this world, and so it is.
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: That is, I don't want to say separate, because it's definitely a family thing, but they know that I have things outside of them which releases some pressure from them to fulfill needs that they were never meant to fulfill.
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: And our pastor said this and I'll leave you with this.
• 40:41
  Speaker 2: He said this the other day, but he said stop trying to squeeze out of a person or a relationship what only God can give you.
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: So I'll repeat that Stop trying to squeeze out of a person or a relationship or relationships what only God can give.
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: So we're oftentimes seeking and searching and really that God-sized hole in your heart can only be filled with Him.
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: Your time with Him, that still small voice, that getting alone being filled up with the Word and Him.
• 41:09
  Speaker 2: And then now all the roles.
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: All those tabs open, all those roles that we have as women and men, that we can now fulfill those in kind of our highest light.
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: So that's what I would leave you with, nikki I love you and adore you.
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: So grateful for you.
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: That's so great, lisa.
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: That's just such a good reminder.
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: Again, no matter what stage of parenting we're at, this is something that can very easily become our identity.
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: And just knowing that yes, it is a huge calling, a biblical calling, a legacy leaving, calling, but when we become wrapped up in that, we also then become wrapped up in the results and that becomes our identity.
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: And just releasing that and being like I'm here, I'm called, I'm obeying, I'm doing it imperfectly, but letting God really lead, and then just that freedom that it gives our children.
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: I totally agree.
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: As our children are aging and going on their own lives.
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: I don't want my children to ever look back and worry is mom okay?
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: Am I giving mom what she needs from me?
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: Just that freedom when we really can find our identity in Christ.
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: So thank you so much for sharing that, lisa.
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: Friends, it has been so great to have you here for another week on the podcast.
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: Keep with us as we wrap up the series here this month and if this is something that has been impactful for you, the beautiful thing about podcasts is that they don't go away and so you can go back and go listen to all of the different series that we've already done this summer.
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: Maybe share it with a friend so they can also join us here on A Heart that Beats for Home, where we're passionate about cultivating strong families.
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: So until next week, friends, take care.