Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 394. What You Focus on Expands (E)

Transcript

394. What You Focus on Expands (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:12
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, Welcome to the podcast episode of Today. Now,
0:16
Speaker 1: this is one of my all time best performing episodes
0:19
Speaker 1: and one of it's a crowd favorite, so I thought
0:22
Speaker 1: i'd bring it back. It's an encore episode, and also
0:25
Speaker 1: it's an encore episode. It's important for me to tell
0:27
Speaker 1: you this because there's like a life update in there
0:29
Speaker 1: where I talk about me being single, do not fret,
0:32
Speaker 1: tarun very happily together. I am not single. It is
0:36
Speaker 1: just a life update from like back in the day.
0:39
Speaker 1: Because this is one of the OG episodes and it's
0:42
Speaker 1: a Goldie, so enjoy. Hello everyone, Hello, my Angels of
0:48
Speaker 1: the Land. This episode is going to be what you
0:52
Speaker 1: focus on expanse. So that's the topic. It sounds like
0:58
Speaker 1: it's just like a general kind of saying, but at
1:00
Speaker 1: the same time, I really want to talk about literally
1:02
Speaker 1: the neuroscience behind that and how that affects all the
1:06
Speaker 1: areas of your life, whether it's you're focusing on someone
1:09
Speaker 1: else something that someone else is doing, whether you're talking
1:11
Speaker 1: about your relationship with yourself or your relationship towards your
1:15
Speaker 1: goals and kind of where you can make shifts and
1:19
Speaker 1: changes and all of that. Now, firstly, let's talk about
1:24
Speaker 1: what has been going down in the week to date.
1:27
Speaker 1: Nothing too hectic, I must say, I've been pretty heavy,
1:30
Speaker 1: heavily into the textbooks and journal articles and all that stuff.
1:35
Speaker 1: I'm writing an essay pretty fucking interesting actually, and it's
1:39
Speaker 1: just comparing you know, like pathology between Parkinson's disease and
1:43
Speaker 1: dementia with Lewis bodies and all of that. And I'm
1:45
Speaker 1: really into anatomy of the brain. That's one of my
1:47
Speaker 1: favorite things about neuroscience is anatomy, and you know, looking
1:54
Speaker 1: at kind of brain scans, also pharmacology or all the
1:57
Speaker 1: really sciencey side of things, as well as obviously mindset
2:00
Speaker 1: and behavior. So it's actually been really interesting. While it's
2:04
Speaker 1: been hard work, I've been loving at six so that's
2:07
Speaker 1: a plus. And that's due in like four days, so
2:11
Speaker 1: I think, I don't know, I'm doing quite well time
2:13
Speaker 1: management wise, which is a big fucking plus. Secondly, I
2:18
Speaker 1: went I got a haircut. Now this is a big
2:20
Speaker 1: deal for me. If you guys have listened to thy podcast,
2:22
Speaker 1: I can't remember which one it was, to be honest,
2:25
Speaker 1: but it's where I'm talking about my hair. I think
2:27
Speaker 1: it was like the Ask Me Anything podcast. Have we
2:31
Speaker 1: even had that. Is that even a thing? Maybe it's
2:34
Speaker 1: the whatever. I'm not even going to bore you with
2:37
Speaker 1: me pondering this, but it was a podcast that I
2:40
Speaker 1: talk about the history of my hair and how I've
2:44
Speaker 1: bleached it in the past and fucked it up and
2:45
Speaker 1: where it is now. Anyway, I decided to get a
2:48
Speaker 1: haircut because I haven't had one in like six months,
2:51
Speaker 1: and made the decision that I'm going to be coloring
2:55
Speaker 1: my hair. This is a big deal for me. I've
2:57
Speaker 1: had black hair for the last five years, and my
2:59
Speaker 1: hair is I would say almost black. It's probably like
3:02
Speaker 1: one shade of being black, and I just color it
3:05
Speaker 1: black with you know, I get a colored black with
3:09
Speaker 1: a fucking shitty box dye. So the hairdresser, Alicia, she
3:14
Speaker 1: was like, look, I need to take a sample of
3:16
Speaker 1: your hair because if you're using box dye, we're not
3:19
Speaker 1: sure how like easily that color is gonna lift. So anyway,
3:22
Speaker 1: she's taken a sample of my hair. She did the
3:24
Speaker 1: test on it and apparently the color has lifted quite well.
3:28
Speaker 1: So in the next two week and a half, I'm
3:31
Speaker 1: gonna go lighter, and honestly, for me, my version of
3:34
Speaker 1: the change for my hair is quite subtle. In my eyes,
3:37
Speaker 1: it's huge. I'm going brown, dark brown, so it's literally
3:40
Speaker 1: the slightest change. But you know what, you live. Once
3:44
Speaker 1: hair grows, nothing's permanent. So I'm gonna do it. I'm
3:47
Speaker 1: going to do it, and I love brown hair, so
3:50
Speaker 1: why not. I'll probably revert back to black hair in
3:54
Speaker 1: like a year or six months, but you know what,
3:57
Speaker 1: I'm here to live my best life, so that entails
4:00
Speaker 1: trialing brown hair for a little bit. Okay, Another thing
4:02
Speaker 1: that I wanted to add to this podcast is a
4:06
Speaker 1: fun brain fact or myth. I think I'm going to
4:08
Speaker 1: start doing that at the start of the podcast, just
4:11
Speaker 1: for you know, just for good time. So let's do
4:14
Speaker 1: it right now. Fun brain fact or myth? What I'm
4:18
Speaker 1: going to debunk today, Well, I'm not debunking it. It
4:21
Speaker 1: has been debunked, and I'm just going to tell you guys,
4:24
Speaker 1: it's the concept of their being left sided people left
4:27
Speaker 1: sided brain and right sided brain. As far as people
4:31
Speaker 1: that are more left brained are more logical thinkers, and
4:33
Speaker 1: people that are right brained more creative thinkers and more
4:39
Speaker 1: artistic and all of that, that's not a thing that's
4:41
Speaker 1: actually been debunked. This actually came from this study that
4:45
Speaker 1: was done decades ago by this scientist Sperry, and his
4:50
Speaker 1: research was trying to find if there were areas and
4:54
Speaker 1: functions within the brain that were localized to one hemisphere, like,
4:58
Speaker 1: for example, language is not normally going to be in
5:00
Speaker 1: one hemisphere, not both, And there are certain things language
5:04
Speaker 1: is the main one, but there's certain things that occur
5:06
Speaker 1: within the brain that's only going to be in one
5:08
Speaker 1: hemisphere over the other. And there's a lot of reasons
5:11
Speaker 1: behind that. It's so there's not cross communication for absolutely
5:14
Speaker 1: everything that happens in the brain. It's kind of not
5:17
Speaker 1: necessary for the brain to be processing language on both sides.
5:21
Speaker 1: Whereas you know, if you look at movement, all the
5:23
Speaker 1: right side of the body, most off, the right side
5:25
Speaker 1: of the body is controlled by the left side of
5:27
Speaker 1: the brain and vice versa. So while this guy was
5:29
Speaker 1: able to prove that different processes occur exclusively on different
5:37
Speaker 1: brain hemispheres, that then got warped by popular psychology in
5:41
Speaker 1: like articles in Time magazine and the New York Times
5:44
Speaker 1: and all of that to be interpreted as you're either
5:48
Speaker 1: dominated by one side of the brain or the other.
5:50
Speaker 1: And if you're more logical, then you're more left brained,
5:53
Speaker 1: and if you're more and creative, then you're more right brained.
5:57
Speaker 1: But that actually has not been proved at all. If anything,
6:01
Speaker 1: it's been disproven. Where they did like a massive study
6:03
Speaker 1: of like a thousand brains in a functional MRI machine,
6:08
Speaker 1: and they got people just in their resting state, and
6:11
Speaker 1: an MRI, which is magnetic resonance imaging, basically reads activity
6:15
Speaker 1: in the brain. By reading it kind of can see
6:18
Speaker 1: where the blood flow is occurring. And when you're using
6:21
Speaker 1: parts of the brain, that's where oxygenated blood is going
6:23
Speaker 1: to be, and that's kind of how you see where
6:25
Speaker 1: activity occurs in the brain with an MRI. So they
6:28
Speaker 1: got people in a resting state, which means that weren't
6:30
Speaker 1: getting them to perform a task or not think of
6:32
Speaker 1: anything in particular. They're just chilling out, and they were
6:35
Speaker 1: looking at kind of where there was blood flow within
6:39
Speaker 1: the brain. And it turns out that out of a
6:42
Speaker 1: thousand brains, there was absolutely no evidence to show that
6:48
Speaker 1: one hemisphere is more dominant than the other in anyone
6:52
Speaker 1: And what they also were arguing was that if this
6:57
Speaker 1: was the case, then the brain scan of an artist
6:59
Speaker 1: would be different to the brain scan of the mathematician
7:02
Speaker 1: and you know, a musician and all of that, and
7:04
Speaker 1: all these scans have been done and there absolutely is
7:08
Speaker 1: no difference whatsoever in the actual makeup of the brain
7:11
Speaker 1: of an artistic person or a really mathematical, logical, scientific person.
7:15
Speaker 1: There's no difference. So that was debunked. So, yes, there
7:19
Speaker 1: are several parts of the brain that are in control
7:22
Speaker 1: and dominate one task, whether it be language or processing
7:28
Speaker 1: of a certain thing. But as far as your personality
7:31
Speaker 1: and the kind of person you are, that's not determined
7:35
Speaker 1: by one side of the brain being more dominant than
7:38
Speaker 1: the other. You use both your hemispheres pretty equally. They're
7:41
Speaker 1: both working quite a lot at all times. So there
7:45
Speaker 1: is your fun brain myth debunked. Okay, Another thing that
7:50
Speaker 1: I quickly want to talk about before I get into
7:52
Speaker 1: the whole, you know, spiel of the podcast, is that
7:56
Speaker 1: I've made I'm very excited about this, and I've been
7:58
Speaker 1: thinking about this and working on it for a long time.
8:00
Speaker 1: But I've kind of updated how my mindset Hacks program
8:04
Speaker 1: is going to run on my website. Okay, so the
8:09
Speaker 1: changes that I'm making is so far, it's been like
8:12
Speaker 1: a homework sheet and a video on a given topic.
8:17
Speaker 1: How I'm going to change it now is I kind
8:19
Speaker 1: of want the Mindset Hacks to be an extension of
8:21
Speaker 1: the podcast episode. So what I do talk about on
8:24
Speaker 1: the podcast that's still going to be the same, but
8:26
Speaker 1: then I will enhance upon what was discussed in the podcast.
8:32
Speaker 1: There will be kind of a podcast notes downloadable document
8:35
Speaker 1: which will cover everything that was covered on the podcast,
8:39
Speaker 1: plus additional points. I'm going to be giving homework, tasks
8:43
Speaker 1: and exercises to do relevant to what the podcast topic was.
8:46
Speaker 1: So today the podcast topic is what you focus on
8:50
Speaker 1: expands I'm going to be going obviously into the neuroscience
8:52
Speaker 1: all of that. Instead of the video, I'm going to
8:54
Speaker 1: be making it an audio file. That way, hopefully people
8:57
Speaker 1: will be able to have it on their phones and
8:59
Speaker 1: live to it without having to watch a video. I
9:01
Speaker 1: found that the video is probably not the best thing,
9:04
Speaker 1: especially because my thing is podcasting anyway, so I feel
9:06
Speaker 1: that it's probably not that and also the video is
9:09
Speaker 1: just a bigger file, which is a bit of a
9:11
Speaker 1: it's annoying. So that's kind of where the Mindset Hacks is.
9:16
Speaker 1: That's the direction it's heading. I'm so excited because as
9:20
Speaker 1: I've been doing it, I've gotten so much support from
9:22
Speaker 1: everyone and now I'm just able to kind of tweak
9:25
Speaker 1: it to be more what I want it to be
9:27
Speaker 1: on starting to figure out ways of improving and making
9:30
Speaker 1: it better. So, if you are doing the mindset Hacks guys,
9:35
Speaker 1: just let me know what you think about this new
9:37
Speaker 1: format this week. I'm pretty excited about it and would
9:40
Speaker 1: love to know what you guys think, So either email
9:43
Speaker 1: me or DM me. If you want to get onto
9:45
Speaker 1: mindset Hacks and you have not yet, just go to
9:49
Speaker 1: Alexis Fernandez dot live and it is there. So it's
9:52
Speaker 1: just a monthly subscription twenty four bucks a month and
9:54
Speaker 1: you can cancel at any time. All right, let's get
9:57
Speaker 1: straight into it. Let's dive deep. I want to be
10:02
Speaker 1: breaking down this episode into three different sort of sections.
10:07
Speaker 1: So number one, I'm talking about how you interact with others,
10:11
Speaker 1: what you're focusing on and why these things keep happening,
10:14
Speaker 1: as far as like your interaction and your relationship with
10:17
Speaker 1: other people, why you keep getting the same stuff occur.
10:21
Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about how you perceive and focus
10:25
Speaker 1: on what you think you're capable of whether it's your abilities,
10:28
Speaker 1: or whether it's goal setting or staying motivated or whatever.
10:32
Speaker 1: And then I'm going to talk about how you view
10:34
Speaker 1: yourself as a person that whole self love, self hate,
10:38
Speaker 1: body image, all of that. Then after I talk about
10:41
Speaker 1: those three things, I'm going to be talking about kind
10:43
Speaker 1: of the neuroscience behind it and all that jazz. Okay,
10:48
Speaker 1: number one, let's talk about how you interact with other
10:51
Speaker 1: people and why it keeps happening. So the main thing
10:55
Speaker 1: with this whole topic of what you focus on expands
10:59
Speaker 1: is that you to really look at what it is
11:01
Speaker 1: that you're paying attention to, where it is that your
11:05
Speaker 1: thoughts are going, and what are your current circumstances, And
11:09
Speaker 1: are your circumstances a reflection of your language, of your
11:14
Speaker 1: thought patterns, and of what you're choosing to focus on,
11:16
Speaker 1: Because often maybe not in every area of your life,
11:20
Speaker 1: but often it is often your life situation confirms what
11:25
Speaker 1: it is that you believe and that you say. And
11:27
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people think that it's the
11:29
Speaker 1: other way around. They think, no, my life is this way.
11:32
Speaker 1: So I'm just telling it as it is. I'm you know,
11:35
Speaker 1: my life is this and you know, dating shit and
11:38
Speaker 1: all you know, man of fact, and you just keep
11:42
Speaker 1: getting that confirmation in your life that it's happening. So
11:45
Speaker 1: I'm just telling it as it is, whereas I'm here
11:48
Speaker 1: to turn it around and say it's actually the other
11:51
Speaker 1: way around. The way you behave and the way you
11:54
Speaker 1: believe things and what you believe about other people and
11:56
Speaker 1: what you believe about yourself and what you choose to
11:59
Speaker 1: focus on is what not only what's going to keep
12:01
Speaker 1: coming back into your life, but what you're going to
12:04
Speaker 1: notice the most. So for example, and I'm going to
12:06
Speaker 1: delve in a little bit deeper, but let's talk about
12:08
Speaker 1: this whole concept of all men are fucked, which I'm
12:12
Speaker 1: going to really tackle that in just a moment because
12:14
Speaker 1: that makes my blood boil. But anyway, let's talk about that.
12:17
Speaker 1: If you're a kind of person that's hating on men
12:20
Speaker 1: right because you've had an asshole treat you badly in
12:23
Speaker 1: the past or multiple so you decide that it's appropriate
12:26
Speaker 1: to put a blanket rule on every man and decide
12:28
Speaker 1: that's it, they're all fucked. That's the decision I've made.
12:31
Speaker 1: What do you think is going to happen every time
12:34
Speaker 1: you see a man do something that's gonna strengthen your
12:38
Speaker 1: belief You're going to focus on that and be like,
12:40
Speaker 1: hah see, that confirms my opinion. That confirms my belief,
12:44
Speaker 1: So I'm going to focus on it. And then if
12:46
Speaker 1: someone's doing something that's actually really good or whatever, you're
12:49
Speaker 1: probably either not going to notice it, not focus on it,
12:52
Speaker 1: or think it's just like, oh, well, that's you know,
12:54
Speaker 1: that's a rare occasion. But in general, the men are
12:58
Speaker 1: you know, they're fucked, and you're more likely because of
13:00
Speaker 1: your belief system and because you keep saying this, you're
13:03
Speaker 1: more likely to actively seek out those behaviors and those
13:08
Speaker 1: points in other people to confirm your beliefs and your thoughts.
13:12
Speaker 1: Because we like being right. People like being right. So
13:16
Speaker 1: if you're going to stand there and talk about how
13:19
Speaker 1: shitty a whole population of people are, you're going to
13:22
Speaker 1: look at things that are going to help confirm that
13:24
Speaker 1: you are right. So it's really dangerous to be someone
13:29
Speaker 1: that generalizes, especially when we're talking about fifty percent of
13:32
Speaker 1: the world's population, which is men. Something that's kind of
13:35
Speaker 1: pissed me off, and this is going slightly off topic,
13:37
Speaker 1: but something that kind of annoys me is I think
13:40
Speaker 1: people have seen me as I'm obviously single, strong, independent woman, whatever,
13:47
Speaker 1: and I've spoken about bad relationships that I've been in
13:51
Speaker 1: in the past that people have come to the conclusion,
13:55
Speaker 1: not everyone, but some people have come to the conclusion
13:59
Speaker 1: that I have a negative opinion of men, or hate men,
14:04
Speaker 1: or think that men are toxic, and that couldn't be
14:06
Speaker 1: further from the truth. I've had people DM me writing
14:11
Speaker 1: like things about like, you know, men are fucked because
14:15
Speaker 1: of this and that, and you know, thank you for
14:17
Speaker 1: putting forward this. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
14:19
Speaker 1: You and I are not the same. Don't thank me
14:21
Speaker 1: and the same breath talk about how shit men are
14:24
Speaker 1: because you've got me all wrong. I need to clarify
14:27
Speaker 1: this right here, right now. If you're a man hater
14:29
Speaker 1: and you think that I agree with you, get off
14:32
Speaker 1: my podcast right now, because that's fucked. Because if I
14:35
Speaker 1: was to make a generalization on men based on the
14:38
Speaker 1: men that are in my life, I would say that
14:40
Speaker 1: they are all amazing, supportive, beautiful people. Change your fucking language.
14:45
Speaker 1: Let's look at the men that are in my life.
14:47
Speaker 1: My father, my uncles, my cousins, my grandfathers that passed away,
14:52
Speaker 1: and all the amazing friends that I have that are guys,
14:57
Speaker 1: all of them are supportive, driven, intelligent, funny, fun you know, spontaneous,
15:06
Speaker 1: wanting to do stuff there for me when I need it,
15:09
Speaker 1: have intelligent conversations, all of that. So why the fuck
15:13
Speaker 1: do people get the idea, just because I'm single and
15:16
Speaker 1: I'm happy to be single, that I don't like men.
15:20
Speaker 1: And if you're gonna be one of those people that's
15:22
Speaker 1: kind of like a man hater and wants to generalize
15:24
Speaker 1: just because you've had some bad experiences, that's not okay.
15:29
Speaker 1: That's just as bad as being racist. You are generalizing
15:33
Speaker 1: because you've formed an opinion on a population based on
15:35
Speaker 1: a select few. I'm not about that. I don't support
15:40
Speaker 1: that at all. I don't think it's cool to say
15:42
Speaker 1: that I'm a huge supporter of good people. Change your language.
15:45
Speaker 1: Instead of saying men are fucked, why don't you say
15:47
Speaker 1: toxic people are fucked. If you've dated toxic people, that's
15:51
Speaker 1: fine to have something against them, but why you bunching
15:54
Speaker 1: them in with the entire population of men? And good
15:57
Speaker 1: luck finding a good man if you're omitting that fucking
16:01
Speaker 1: bad low vibe energy of all men are fucked. What
16:05
Speaker 1: do you expect if I met a man that was
16:07
Speaker 1: going on all women are fucked. The last thing I'm
16:10
Speaker 1: gonna do is want to hang out with him. So
16:13
Speaker 1: pay attention to your language. If you're going around saying
16:17
Speaker 1: all men of fucked, what the fuck do you think
16:19
Speaker 1: guys are gonna do you think a nice man is
16:21
Speaker 1: going to turn around being like, let me prove you wrong.
16:22
Speaker 1: A nice man's gonna be like, I'm typing the fuck
16:24
Speaker 1: out of this conversation, and I'm gonna hang out with
16:26
Speaker 1: a woman who's actually normal, who's not going to discriminate
16:29
Speaker 1: when I've done nothing wrong. So that's something that I
16:33
Speaker 1: really wanted to clarify. And it pierces me off when
16:37
Speaker 1: people think that I have something against men, because that
16:40
Speaker 1: is you could not be further from the truth. I
16:42
Speaker 1: have incredible men in my life. I fucking love men.
16:45
Speaker 1: I hate toxic people. Big difference, big difference. And why
16:52
Speaker 1: is there a need for a separation. You're literally cutting
16:54
Speaker 1: out half the population. Fucking learn to coexist and be
16:58
Speaker 1: nice to one another. And I think the more you
17:00
Speaker 1: try and like bring the genders together to work together
17:03
Speaker 1: to be more collaborative, the less you're gonna have of
17:06
Speaker 1: this bullshit of toxic people. The more you can isolate
17:08
Speaker 1: a toxic person, because mind you, there are many toxic
17:11
Speaker 1: women in this world, manah, toxic women, And I've encountered
17:15
Speaker 1: toxic women. But you think I'm gonna go around being
17:18
Speaker 1: like we'reen of fucked just because I've encountered like it's
17:21
Speaker 1: it doesn't make sense and it's pathetic. That language. I
17:25
Speaker 1: don't have time for. If someone's going to be damning
17:27
Speaker 1: me about yeah, manifact. I once put up a status
17:30
Speaker 1: about toxic people, and about ten people damned me about
17:33
Speaker 1: the status saying yeah, man of fact, and I'm literally
17:36
Speaker 1: responding being like, at no point did I say the
17:38
Speaker 1: word man in that status. I literally was talking about
17:42
Speaker 1: toxic people in general. So can we stop bunching a
17:46
Speaker 1: gender into a whole category of someone that you hate,
17:50
Speaker 1: because that is not what I'm about at least. Another
17:54
Speaker 1: thing that is quite common is that this comes from insecure.
18:00
Speaker 1: It is, but when you get used to picking people
18:04
Speaker 1: apart and pulling them down even in your mind, you
18:06
Speaker 1: don't have to say it to their face. But when
18:09
Speaker 1: you meet someone and perceive them initially in that moment
18:14
Speaker 1: of meeting them, if you perceive them as a threat,
18:16
Speaker 1: because you might think that they're either more beautiful, younger,
18:20
Speaker 1: more successful, have more attention, are luckier, whatever you want
18:24
Speaker 1: to label it in your mind. If you perceive that
18:29
Speaker 1: often your initial instinct might be to cut them down.
18:35
Speaker 1: But the problem with cutting them down, there's a lot.
18:38
Speaker 1: But I'm going to raise two main things here. When
18:41
Speaker 1: you cut that person down, you are strengthening the belief
18:44
Speaker 1: in yourself that you're not good enough. It's kind of
18:47
Speaker 1: like a catch twenty two or oxymoron or whatever you
18:51
Speaker 1: want to call it. The reason you cut someone down
18:54
Speaker 1: in your eyes is to build yourself up right, because
18:57
Speaker 1: you think, if I can push them down further enough,
19:00
Speaker 1: and if I can highlight as many flaws as possible,
19:04
Speaker 1: then I'm going to appear in my eyes to be
19:07
Speaker 1: better than them. You know, if I can pick out
19:09
Speaker 1: all these flaws, whether you do it silently or whether
19:11
Speaker 1: you announce it to other people, and you know, cut
19:13
Speaker 1: people down, they're both bad. But number one, that's what
19:17
Speaker 1: you're doing. You're trying to tell yourself that that person
19:20
Speaker 1: is less than you despite appearances, they're actually below you.
19:25
Speaker 1: But what happens is that you start believing that in
19:29
Speaker 1: order to make yourself feel good, you have to bring
19:33
Speaker 1: people down, which confirms to yourself that you are not
19:38
Speaker 1: good enough standing there on your own just being you.
19:43
Speaker 1: That in order to be good enough, you have to
19:45
Speaker 1: pull someone down. And the second negative thing that happens
19:48
Speaker 1: when you do that is that you limit the chances
19:51
Speaker 1: of you having a nice, healthy interaction with that person
19:54
Speaker 1: that you've just pulled down. So you're now either going
19:58
Speaker 1: to be envious. The chance of you're opening up and
20:01
Speaker 1: being vulnerable or having a friendship with that person a
20:04
Speaker 1: slim because you're perceiving them as a threat. So this
20:09
Speaker 1: idea of what you focus on expands in this scenario
20:13
Speaker 1: is that you're focusing on in order for me to
20:16
Speaker 1: feel good, I have to pull people down. So you
20:18
Speaker 1: start isolating yourself from new connections with anyone that could
20:23
Speaker 1: be perceived in your mind as a threat. You start
20:26
Speaker 1: to pull them down. You start to pull them down,
20:27
Speaker 1: and then the problem with that is then you strengthen
20:30
Speaker 1: your opinion to think I am not good enough just
20:34
Speaker 1: being me because the only time I can feel good
20:38
Speaker 1: is if I pull someone down. In a highlight enough
20:40
Speaker 1: flaws in that person in order to feel good about myself.
20:44
Speaker 1: So you there are strengthening. It's two things you're doing wrong.
20:48
Speaker 1: You're thinking bad things about that person. So the likelihood
20:51
Speaker 1: if you're turning around and liking them is lowered, and
20:55
Speaker 1: you're telling yourself you're just not good enough. You're not
20:57
Speaker 1: good enough, because if you felt good enough just being you,
21:00
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter who walks through the door, It doesn't
21:03
Speaker 1: matter who's at that party or in that meeting or
21:06
Speaker 1: standing next to you. That shouldn't matter. If you thought
21:10
Speaker 1: that you could hold your own and you were an
21:13
Speaker 1: individual enough that regardless of looks or appearances or smarts
21:18
Speaker 1: or whatever, that you're comfortable within your own self, you
21:21
Speaker 1: wouldn't need to do that. So every time you pull
21:24
Speaker 1: someone down, you're confirming the belief that you are right
21:29
Speaker 1: in saying that you're not good enough. So everything that
21:31
Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about in this podcast about what
21:34
Speaker 1: you think about expands is ultimately you trying to confirm
21:39
Speaker 1: that you are correct in something. And sometimes we kind
21:44
Speaker 1: of go against what we're actually trying to achieve. Like,
21:47
Speaker 1: you want to try and make yourself feel good, but
21:49
Speaker 1: if the only way of feeling good is by pulling
21:50
Speaker 1: someone down. You're telling yourself, I'm not good enough. Unless
21:54
Speaker 1: I take action to bring someone else down, then I'll
21:57
Speaker 1: be better only because they're lower. But that doesn't actually happen.
22:00
Speaker 1: You don't actually pull them down. You give yourself temporary
22:03
Speaker 1: happiness for long term pain, because then that strengthens these
22:08
Speaker 1: pathways of I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough.
22:10
Speaker 1: So you might feel good enough in that moment, but
22:12
Speaker 1: then next time you feel threatened, it's going to feel
22:14
Speaker 1: like a bigger threat, and then you can't control what's
22:17
Speaker 1: happening around you. You can't control what that person is
22:19
Speaker 1: going to bring to the table. What if you meet
22:21
Speaker 1: this person that in your eyes just has absolutely everything,
22:25
Speaker 1: absolutely everything that you want. It's like the vision of
22:27
Speaker 1: the life that you want. What would you do then
22:30
Speaker 1: if you if the only way of feeling good was
22:32
Speaker 1: to pull someone down, how can you then pull down
22:35
Speaker 1: the person that you think has everything. It's just an
22:37
Speaker 1: a flawed way of feeling good about yourself. You need
22:40
Speaker 1: to kind of completely make that independent and change your
22:44
Speaker 1: behavior patterns that when you meet someone, instead of bringing
22:47
Speaker 1: them down, your initial things should be to get out
22:50
Speaker 1: of your comfort zone and reach out and talk to
22:51
Speaker 1: them former connection instead of a divide. Now I'm going
22:56
Speaker 1: to talk about where you can use this for your
22:59
Speaker 1: better So if what you focus on truly does expand.
23:03
Speaker 1: If you're going through a breakup, it's really common that
23:07
Speaker 1: we focus on the really good parts of that person
23:13
Speaker 1: and the really good parts of the relationship. This is
23:15
Speaker 1: normally when you've been the one that was dumped, but
23:17
Speaker 1: often you'll focus on, you know, the Hniman period of
23:19
Speaker 1: the relationship, all the good aspects of that person, and
23:22
Speaker 1: you keep focusing and focusing on all the you know,
23:24
Speaker 1: you're looking at the relationship through rose colored glasses. So
23:27
Speaker 1: what happens It expands. You start thinking that the whole
23:32
Speaker 1: relationship was as good as the highlight reel. You start
23:35
Speaker 1: thinking that no one is better than that person. You
23:37
Speaker 1: start putting your ex on a fucking pedestal, You put
23:40
Speaker 1: the relationship on a pedestal. And then it gets to
23:43
Speaker 1: a point where you were just suffocated by the concept
23:47
Speaker 1: that you may never get a relationship as good as
23:50
Speaker 1: the one that you were in because you're looking at
23:51
Speaker 1: it as the most amazing thing ever. So to counteract that,
23:57
Speaker 1: where I welcome you having negative thoughts about a person
24:00
Speaker 1: is when you're trying to get over someone. My tool
24:04
Speaker 1: or hack or tip or trick, whatever you want to
24:06
Speaker 1: call it, is that if you think about your ex
24:09
Speaker 1: right and there's no chance that you're going to get
24:10
Speaker 1: back together, if you're thinking about your ex and thinking
24:13
Speaker 1: of something good, for every good point, I want you
24:17
Speaker 1: to think about three bad things or three annoying things
24:19
Speaker 1: that you didn't like about them that really pissed me
24:21
Speaker 1: off about them. I hated it when they used to
24:23
Speaker 1: do this, when they spoke like that, that really pissed
24:25
Speaker 1: me off. That's a really good way of using this
24:28
Speaker 1: to your advantage. So I'm not some saint here. I
24:31
Speaker 1: think I've made that very clear. I'm all for throwing
24:35
Speaker 1: shade on someone when it's deserved or when it's going
24:38
Speaker 1: to help you get over a breakup. So if you're
24:41
Speaker 1: in a situation where you absolutely are just struggling, instead
24:45
Speaker 1: of throwing shade on someone that you don't know just
24:47
Speaker 1: to feel better about yourself, why don't you kind of
24:49
Speaker 1: feel that energy to help you? And if you're getting
24:51
Speaker 1: over an X, think you know what, I will feel
24:55
Speaker 1: more empowered by highlighting three things that annoyed me about you.
24:58
Speaker 1: I'm going to stop looking at you through row colored glasses. Yes,
25:01
Speaker 1: you might have been a good person, but no one's
25:03
Speaker 1: fucking perfect here. So I'm gonna highlight bang bang bang bang.
25:06
Speaker 1: You know what, I actually don't want to think about
25:08
Speaker 1: you right now because I'm annoyed now focusing on the
25:11
Speaker 1: shit that annoyed me about you. It's a way of
25:13
Speaker 1: getting back the power. You start making the relationship a
25:16
Speaker 1: little bit more realistic, and the opposite goes for when
25:19
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship that you're trying to work on
25:21
Speaker 1: to improve. Every time you think about something negative, if
25:25
Speaker 1: you're trying to improve the relationship, replace it with three
25:27
Speaker 1: positive thoughts. What you focus on expands. So if you
25:32
Speaker 1: think negative, negative, negative about your ex, I can guarantee
25:35
Speaker 1: you if you only had negative thoughts about your ex,
25:37
Speaker 1: within a week, you'd be like, be gone from my
25:41
Speaker 1: life and my thoughts you pest. But you think about
25:45
Speaker 1: the good things about your ex, So that keeps expanding,
25:48
Speaker 1: and they're occupying all this space in your mind, all
25:51
Speaker 1: this time in your day. It is a waste, So
25:54
Speaker 1: use that to your advantage. Now, the last thing I'm
25:57
Speaker 1: going to talk about, as far as other people are concerned,
26:00
Speaker 1: is when your expectations are too low of someone else.
26:05
Speaker 1: If you have low expectations about somebody or about what
26:10
Speaker 1: they're going to do and what they're going to achieve,
26:12
Speaker 1: that person is a going to stain your life, continuing
26:17
Speaker 1: that behavior and be never going to change because they
26:21
Speaker 1: know that there's a minimum requirement that every person has
26:26
Speaker 1: to hit to maintain a relationship with someone else. And
26:30
Speaker 1: you might not realize it, but in every relationship that
26:33
Speaker 1: you are involved in, there is a minimum requirement. Some
26:38
Speaker 1: relationships are harder work, some relationships are more intellectual, some
26:42
Speaker 1: relationships are toxic. Every relationship is unique in its way,
26:47
Speaker 1: but you know where the line is in every single relationship,
26:54
Speaker 1: and you can make that line clear with other people
26:56
Speaker 1: because people have made that line clear with you, whether
26:59
Speaker 1: they real or not. So you know where the weak
27:03
Speaker 1: relationships are, whether people are easily manipulated. If I want
27:05
Speaker 1: something out of that person, I can get it. Hopefully
27:07
Speaker 1: you're a good person and you're not doing this, but
27:09
Speaker 1: you know where you stand in certain relationships. Then there
27:14
Speaker 1: are those really strong relationships that make you want to
27:18
Speaker 1: be a better person when you're around them because you think, Wow,
27:22
Speaker 1: this person, when I'm around them, I can't. I can't
27:25
Speaker 1: bring bullshit to the table. I have to be more
27:27
Speaker 1: accountable for my actions. I can't make fucked excuses for
27:30
Speaker 1: things like That person makes me more accountable, that person
27:32
Speaker 1: is more real. And then you hang up with someone
27:35
Speaker 1: else that's always winging and bitching and whining and complaining,
27:39
Speaker 1: and you kind of slip into that pattern, and then
27:41
Speaker 1: you're acting kind of less accountable for your own shit
27:44
Speaker 1: because you're around that personality and that you know. So
27:47
Speaker 1: you'll notice that every single person brings something different to
27:51
Speaker 1: the table, and there's a line of what is acceptable
27:55
Speaker 1: and what's not acceptable in that relationship. So the same
27:57
Speaker 1: goes for you. Where do you draw the line in relationships?
28:01
Speaker 1: Where's the threshold of what's acceptable and what's not Because
28:04
Speaker 1: if you expect certain things from your friends to not
28:09
Speaker 1: change or oh, but you know they're always going to
28:11
Speaker 1: do that, or oh, you know it's just them, or
28:13
Speaker 1: oh they're only joking, or oh he does love me,
28:16
Speaker 1: but he is, or oh she's good, but she's just
28:19
Speaker 1: you know, she's just puts me down in front of
28:22
Speaker 1: my friends all the time because whatever, or I'm like
28:25
Speaker 1: all this shit, if you expect it, it's going to
28:30
Speaker 1: keep happening because they know that the line has not
28:34
Speaker 1: been drawn there. So let's say you're dating someone and
28:40
Speaker 1: you've got a terrible relationship with their parents, but you
28:45
Speaker 1: expect that that's the case. You expect, Oh, you know,
28:48
Speaker 1: my relationship is really bad with their parents. But my
28:51
Speaker 1: partner's always going to be torn between me and his parents,
28:54
Speaker 1: and every time i'm over, it's really toxic. They're always
28:56
Speaker 1: putting me down. I really feel insecure, I feel shit
28:58
Speaker 1: about myself. That is your partner crossing the line in
29:04
Speaker 1: the relationship, a line that actually doesn't exist because you
29:07
Speaker 1: didn't actually draw the line. If I was in a
29:09
Speaker 1: relationship and my partner's parents didn't like me, I've got
29:12
Speaker 1: to teach my partner how to treat me. You've got
29:16
Speaker 1: to teach people how to treat you. So if I
29:18
Speaker 1: go in saying, oh, you know, it's just your family,
29:20
Speaker 1: that's them, that's just who they are, I've got to
29:22
Speaker 1: accept it. Nothing's going to change. If I go into
29:25
Speaker 1: the relationship and say, you know what, from now on,
29:27
Speaker 1: if your parents ever speak to me like that again,
29:29
Speaker 1: that's it. It's done. Your family dinners with me going
29:31
Speaker 1: there are done. I'm not going end a story, since
29:57
Speaker 1: then your partner has to make a decision. Am I
29:59
Speaker 1: going to have organdness of you never rocking up to
30:01
Speaker 1: a family dinner? Or am I finally gonna grow a
30:03
Speaker 1: fucking spine and tell my parents not to talk to
30:06
Speaker 1: you like that ever? Again? You know, you have to
30:08
Speaker 1: draw the boundaries, and I, as I've gotten older, have
30:12
Speaker 1: gotten a lot better at doing that. But it's not
30:14
Speaker 1: age related. You shouldn't wait to you in your thirties,
30:16
Speaker 1: forties or fifties to become assertive of what's acceptable and
30:19
Speaker 1: what's not. You can do it when you're eighteen years old,
30:23
Speaker 1: when you're twenty five years old. You know, it's not
30:25
Speaker 1: something that you've got to like grow into. It just
30:27
Speaker 1: happens to be the case that a lot of people
30:30
Speaker 1: only find that strength in them later on through negative experiences.
30:33
Speaker 1: But at the same time, these negative experiences can cause
30:36
Speaker 1: you to become weaker and not ever find that strength. Okay,
30:40
Speaker 1: let's now go into section number two, which is how
30:45
Speaker 1: you perceive your own abilities and capabilities. So we all
30:50
Speaker 1: have an idea in our mind of what we are
30:54
Speaker 1: capable of. We have a concept of what our level
30:57
Speaker 1: of intelligence is. How well we can, folks, how motivated
31:01
Speaker 1: we normally are, how well we are at sticking to
31:03
Speaker 1: a task, et cetera, et cetera, to the extent that
31:07
Speaker 1: I know so many people that have self diagnosed themselves
31:10
Speaker 1: with ADHD, and that fucking pierces me off. I'm going
31:14
Speaker 1: to start a module or what's it called, like a
31:16
Speaker 1: segment on my podcast on pet hates. That's probably one
31:19
Speaker 1: of my number one pet hates when people self diagnose
31:22
Speaker 1: themselves with ADD or ADHD. Those things are a thing,
31:26
Speaker 1: But stop diagnosing yourself if you don't actually have it,
31:29
Speaker 1: because what happens is you play down the people that
31:31
Speaker 1: actually do have it, making it seem like it's just oh,
31:35
Speaker 1: I can't focus. That's not what it is. It's a lot.
31:38
Speaker 1: It's a lot more than that. And b you start
31:41
Speaker 1: making excuses for your behavior. And because you've now created
31:45
Speaker 1: a reason as to your conception in your head that
31:48
Speaker 1: you created of this diagnosis that you don't actually have,
31:53
Speaker 1: then you're not going to get better because you believe
31:55
Speaker 1: it and you think, well, this is just me, I
31:58
Speaker 1: have ADHD. I can't focus. Well guess what if you
32:01
Speaker 1: keep telling yourself that, then you're not going to be
32:04
Speaker 1: able to focus. So unless you have a legitimate diagnosis,
32:08
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear it this bullshit about I've
32:10
Speaker 1: got add I've got ADHD. If you don't actually have it,
32:15
Speaker 1: stop saying that you have it. And if you're genuinely
32:17
Speaker 1: not sure, go and get a test for it, get
32:23
Speaker 1: a referral from your GP, and go to a psychologist
32:26
Speaker 1: and get tested for it, so that way you can
32:28
Speaker 1: actually put together an action plan with a professional to
32:32
Speaker 1: help you make some changes in your life and help
32:34
Speaker 1: manage this disorder. Now, like I said at the start
32:38
Speaker 1: of the podcast, you have to pay attention to your language.
32:41
Speaker 1: So how often are you making excuses like the one
32:44
Speaker 1: I just said for your lack of sticking power, for
32:50
Speaker 1: your lack of focus, lack of drive, lack of taking
32:54
Speaker 1: action if you are focusing on the fact that you,
33:00
Speaker 1: you know, have all these issues and roadblocks and reasons
33:04
Speaker 1: why you can't do something fair enough, Some of them
33:07
Speaker 1: might be legitimate, but how many of them are actually
33:11
Speaker 1: legitimate and a real roadblock, And how many of them
33:15
Speaker 1: have you just said it because you found something to
33:17
Speaker 1: be difficult. I think a lot of people think that, oh,
33:19
Speaker 1: if I find something really difficult, I must have a
33:23
Speaker 1: problem as to why I can't do it. That's not
33:25
Speaker 1: the case. A lot of people find things difficult, but
33:29
Speaker 1: they just tackle it differently. They will perceive the challenge differently.
33:34
Speaker 1: It's not that the reason they can achieve something is
33:36
Speaker 1: because for them it's easy or what I hate the
33:38
Speaker 1: term they're naturally smart. That's bullshit. They actually just stick
33:42
Speaker 1: it out and get it fucking done. They get shit done.
33:46
Speaker 1: They do what it takes. They focus, They sit down
33:50
Speaker 1: and push through and keep trying and fail, and keep
33:54
Speaker 1: trying and fail, and keep trying it till they get
33:56
Speaker 1: to where they need to be. Instead of creating something
34:00
Speaker 1: false reason as to why they can't do it and
34:02
Speaker 1: then bunching everyone else that can do it as naturally smart,
34:06
Speaker 1: you're doing yourself a massive disservice when you do that,
34:09
Speaker 1: because you're focusing on all the what you would consider
34:13
Speaker 1: your downfalls, which is I can't focus, I can't this,
34:15
Speaker 1: I can't that. The brain loves being right, so you
34:19
Speaker 1: want to enhance the fact that you're right by proving
34:22
Speaker 1: to yourself and to others that in reality, you really
34:25
Speaker 1: couldn't do it. So I'm not going to do it
34:26
Speaker 1: because I really can't hold my focus because I've diagnosed
34:29
Speaker 1: myself with this condition that I don't even know if
34:32
Speaker 1: I actually have. Now, if you actually have a legitimate
34:37
Speaker 1: roadblock or hurdle or something like a proper, real reason
34:44
Speaker 1: as to why you can't do something or why it's
34:47
Speaker 1: difficult for you to do something, then a that's obviously
34:52
Speaker 1: fair enough. You're clearly not making excuses because it's real.
34:55
Speaker 1: But I would maybe recommend you find someone that is
34:59
Speaker 1: in a similar situation, who has done what you wanted
35:02
Speaker 1: to do and had a similar hurdle that you had,
35:07
Speaker 1: because that is an expander. You will see someone that's
35:10
Speaker 1: done something that you want to do, even that was
35:12
Speaker 1: really difficult, and you're going to be able to be like, oh, Okay,
35:16
Speaker 1: it's doable. You're going to start to change your perspective
35:19
Speaker 1: and maybe start to find ways or how did that
35:21
Speaker 1: person go about it, how did they find a way
35:24
Speaker 1: to do it, how did they make that connection, etc. Etc.
35:27
Speaker 1: And then of course ultimately there are going to be
35:29
Speaker 1: some situations where you just won't be able to do it.
35:32
Speaker 1: But I'm talking about in general, I'm not talking about
35:34
Speaker 1: people that have a legitimate reason here why they can't
35:38
Speaker 1: do something. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking
35:42
Speaker 1: to you, you guys who know very well that you
35:46
Speaker 1: have created excuses and reasons as to why you can't
35:50
Speaker 1: do something when you're a fully abled person who really
35:55
Speaker 1: is capable of doing it. We all have twenty four
35:57
Speaker 1: hours in the day, we all have have a brain.
36:01
Speaker 1: We all have the ability to make some changes, some
36:04
Speaker 1: people more than others, but everyone has the ability to
36:07
Speaker 1: make some changes in their life. So when you think
36:12
Speaker 1: about what it is that you are and are not
36:14
Speaker 1: capable of doing, if you start saying, oh, I can't
36:17
Speaker 1: because of X, y Z, your brain's going to be like,
36:20
Speaker 1: how can I confirm that and be right? I just
36:23
Speaker 1: won't do it, and then I'm right. I'll just confirm
36:25
Speaker 1: it by being right. Your brain will if you keep
36:27
Speaker 1: telling yourself something and you keep creating reasons as to
36:30
Speaker 1: why you're not doing it, you will then try and
36:33
Speaker 1: strengthen that belief by acting out those patterns. There have
36:38
Speaker 1: been times where I've come across a UNI assessment and
36:42
Speaker 1: this was even as early as you know, two years ago,
36:46
Speaker 1: where I've come across an assessment that I've thought there's
36:48
Speaker 1: no way in hell, no way in hell, I can
36:51
Speaker 1: get this done. I'm lost. I don't know where to start.
36:53
Speaker 1: I don't know what to do. I'm looking at this
36:55
Speaker 1: and then like, listen to my language, everything's I don't.
36:58
Speaker 1: I don't, I can't, I can't, I don't to the
37:01
Speaker 1: extent that I riled myself up so much, called my
37:04
Speaker 1: mum crying, being like this thing's due in a week
37:07
Speaker 1: and I haven't even started, Like god, I caind of
37:09
Speaker 1: God having a melt down. And I really wasn't helping
37:14
Speaker 1: myself with my language, like fair enough, I've come across
37:17
Speaker 1: something that's really difficult that I'm not able to do.
37:19
Speaker 1: But my language was just making me the situation so
37:23
Speaker 1: much worse. And there's my poor mom trying to calm
37:26
Speaker 1: me the fuck down, being like, you've just got it,
37:28
Speaker 1: like one bite at a time, tackle it, one thing
37:30
Speaker 1: at a time. You just need to breathe, don't look
37:33
Speaker 1: at the bigger picture, just look at individual things, you know.
37:36
Speaker 1: And I had to like talk me down from that
37:40
Speaker 1: place that I was in. And since then, that was
37:44
Speaker 1: semester one of my masters. Since then, I've really changed
37:47
Speaker 1: how I approach my assessments. I now approached them as
37:52
Speaker 1: number one how fucking epic is it that I'm literally,
37:57
Speaker 1: you know, lucky enough or not not lucky, but you know,
38:00
Speaker 1: gotten myself to this situation where I can be doing
38:03
Speaker 1: my Masters in a topic that I fucking love, and
38:06
Speaker 1: now I'm going to look at this essay and be like,
38:08
Speaker 1: what about this essay is something that could really interest me?
38:13
Speaker 1: So then I start digging deep into things that really
38:15
Speaker 1: interest me, and then I have an interest to learn
38:19
Speaker 1: to get something done. Is the assessment just as difficult?
38:22
Speaker 1: Is the criteria just the same? Yes? It is? Have
38:25
Speaker 1: I approached it completely differently? Yes? Because I'm now approaching
38:28
Speaker 1: it with the problem solving mentality, a mindset of like
38:31
Speaker 1: what more can I learn about this topic? Instead of
38:34
Speaker 1: being like I've got to find twenty references? No, why
38:37
Speaker 1: didn't I actually read up on about it? Why didn't
38:39
Speaker 1: I actually get interested about what I'm doing? Instead of
38:42
Speaker 1: smashing out this essay so I can just tick that
38:44
Speaker 1: off and get it done, why don't I add this
38:46
Speaker 1: to actual genuine knowledge that I'm going to retain and remember.
38:50
Speaker 1: So now I approach my assessments a lot differently to like,
38:53
Speaker 1: smash it out, get it done. And then I forgot
38:55
Speaker 1: what I wrote a month later to I'm going to
38:58
Speaker 1: get real and get really interested. If you're in a
39:00
Speaker 1: position that you're like I just absolutely cannot get interested
39:03
Speaker 1: because I hate it, then fucking change your degree. Are
39:05
Speaker 1: you studying the right thing? Probably not? And if you're
39:08
Speaker 1: going to be doing this for the rest of your life,
39:10
Speaker 1: then maybe reconsiderate or find a way see if there
39:14
Speaker 1: is a way of getting interested in what you're doing.
39:17
Speaker 1: And if there's just absolutely no way. This is your
39:20
Speaker 1: whole life that you're talking about something that you're studying,
39:22
Speaker 1: is I would I don't know. I'm just big on
39:25
Speaker 1: loving what you do and you know, being interested. There's
39:27
Speaker 1: going to be some subjects that you don't love, Like
39:29
Speaker 1: I could not get my head around statistics until the
39:32
Speaker 1: final year where I finally liked it. But there's going
39:35
Speaker 1: to be things that you don't like. But overall, if
39:37
Speaker 1: you're not able to get interested and get passionate, it
39:41
Speaker 1: may not be your thing. When I'm tackling something so difficult,
39:45
Speaker 1: whether it's you know, an assessment, another thing that I'm
39:49
Speaker 1: working on, any kind of project, a podcast where I'm like,
39:52
Speaker 1: really have a deadline, but I can't get my head
39:54
Speaker 1: around it. Anything at all, I've changed my man try.
39:57
Speaker 1: And it's actually a book written by Marie Fawley. It's
40:00
Speaker 1: actually a pretty good book, so I'd highly recommend it.
40:02
Speaker 1: And it's called Everything is figure Outable, And that's like
40:05
Speaker 1: a good mantra to say before I start my essay.
40:08
Speaker 1: I just think everything's figure outable. Everything's figure outable, and
40:11
Speaker 1: I approach it thinking like some way, shape or form,
40:14
Speaker 1: I will get this essay done. You've got to look
40:16
Speaker 1: at your past, you know, if your past can help
40:20
Speaker 1: reinforce a positive attitude. For example, in my head, every
40:24
Speaker 1: time I struggle, I think, have I ever handed anything
40:27
Speaker 1: in late? No? Have I ever failed anything? No? In fact,
40:31
Speaker 1: I've gotten a pass or better than a pass in
40:34
Speaker 1: the past. So I kind of look at my past
40:37
Speaker 1: behavior if it does help reinforce a positive attitude. If
40:40
Speaker 1: your past has been I've failed everything, I've done whatever,
40:43
Speaker 1: then like I said, you're not going to focus on
40:45
Speaker 1: that because what you focus on expands. So if your
40:47
Speaker 1: past has been always failing, shift your focus onto something else.
40:51
Speaker 1: Don't be like I've always felt I've always failed. You've
40:54
Speaker 1: got to use things to your advantage and eliminate the
40:57
Speaker 1: things that are to a disadvantage you. Now, lastly, I
41:02
Speaker 1: want to talk about how you view yourself as a person,
41:06
Speaker 1: this whole self love, self hate thing. So if you
41:11
Speaker 1: look in the mirror, I can guarantee you that you
41:14
Speaker 1: have your go to flaws that you pick apart. Some
41:19
Speaker 1: people it's they just cannot get it around their you know,
41:23
Speaker 1: their skin, They just you know, they they break out.
41:26
Speaker 1: They just can't get around. And for them, that's just
41:28
Speaker 1: the highlight. That's what they're always going to pick themselves
41:30
Speaker 1: apart about. Other people. It's the CELLI light other people,
41:32
Speaker 1: it's the way the hips are shaped, or honestly, you know,
41:36
Speaker 1: I'm sure there's like a million things that I haven't
41:38
Speaker 1: even thought of that someone could pick themselves apart over.
41:41
Speaker 1: And you then, because it's your go to thing, you
41:47
Speaker 1: then start magnifying this thing in your mind that it
41:51
Speaker 1: becomes this enormous thing in your head that other people,
41:56
Speaker 1: even if they noticed it, they probably would have noticed
41:58
Speaker 1: at a glance and not really care about it. And
42:01
Speaker 1: unless you're bringing it up and making it a bigger
42:03
Speaker 1: thing than what it is, that person's probably already forgotten
42:05
Speaker 1: about it. And it's this idea of again, because you're
42:09
Speaker 1: focusing on it in your head, It's expanded, expanded, expanded
42:13
Speaker 1: like crazy. You've just magnified it into this massive deal
42:17
Speaker 1: that then you start feeling really shit about yourself and
42:19
Speaker 1: quite insecure, whereas if you started focusing on either loving
42:25
Speaker 1: certain aspects of yourself or even just being more body neutral.
42:28
Speaker 1: It's that concept of you don't have to adore physical
42:32
Speaker 1: aspects about your body to have self love. It's that
42:34
Speaker 1: concept of why can't I just see my body as
42:38
Speaker 1: you know, a vessel that I live in. I'm going
42:39
Speaker 1: to treat it as you know, as well as I can.
42:42
Speaker 1: I'm going to be healthy, I'm going to have a
42:43
Speaker 1: healthy attitude towards it. It's not saying that you have
42:46
Speaker 1: to stand in front of the mirror and being like,
42:48
Speaker 1: I'm the hottest person in the world. It's not about that.
42:50
Speaker 1: It's changing your relationship just to have a healthy, comfortable
42:53
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself. Like you can have friends in your
42:56
Speaker 1: life that you don't think are the hottest people in
42:58
Speaker 1: the world, but does that change your opinion of them? No?
43:01
Speaker 1: So why can't you have that relationship with yourself? Why
43:04
Speaker 1: do you have to hate on yourself just because your
43:06
Speaker 1: physical appearance is not to the standard that you would
43:09
Speaker 1: want it to be at. There's a really good podcast,
43:14
Speaker 1: actually podcast episode, and it's I don't know what it's called,
43:17
Speaker 1: but it's on the Happy Hour podcast and it's this girl.
43:21
Speaker 1: I follow her on Instagram. Her name's Riley. It's Healthy
43:24
Speaker 1: Chick one oh one, and she does a great interview
43:27
Speaker 1: with the girls about being body neutral. Anyway, I highly
43:32
Speaker 1: recommend it if you have the time to read it
43:34
Speaker 1: to listen to it because she does touch on that
43:37
Speaker 1: a lot deeper than I just have. But again, where
43:40
Speaker 1: is your focus? Are you able to shift your focus on,
43:44
Speaker 1: you know, a more holistic opinion of yourself as far
43:48
Speaker 1: as your life and your body being one thing instead
43:52
Speaker 1: of singling out that one thing that you hate about yourself,
43:54
Speaker 1: because you're just going to be expanding, expanding that amount
43:57
Speaker 1: of hate that you hold for that one aspect of
43:59
Speaker 1: your body would then transfer onto hating yourself just because
44:04
Speaker 1: of a physical trait. So are the where can you
44:08
Speaker 1: shift things? And where can't you shift things? Definitely go
44:11
Speaker 1: listen to that podcast if you can. Now, Okay, lastly,
44:15
Speaker 1: I want to touch on the neuroscience of everything. Something
44:19
Speaker 1: that we all do is this concept of confirmation bias. Now,
44:25
Speaker 1: confirmation bias is this idea that you want to find
44:30
Speaker 1: things that are going to confirm that what you were
44:33
Speaker 1: saying was right. So if a scientist had this idea
44:38
Speaker 1: of confirmation bias, it would really jeopardize the integrity of
44:42
Speaker 1: their experiment and their test, because a true scientist is
44:48
Speaker 1: just trying to find the facts and the truth. If
44:53
Speaker 1: you're someone that's getting emotionally invested with something and you
44:57
Speaker 1: want it so badly to be what you set out
44:59
Speaker 1: to prove, then you might do things that are going
45:01
Speaker 1: to sway how the data is interpreted or how people
45:04
Speaker 1: are going to perceive the study to make it look
45:06
Speaker 1: like it confirms what you're saying, even if you didn't
45:09
Speaker 1: get a result, whether it be positive or negative, or
45:11
Speaker 1: if you've got a result that proved the opposite of
45:13
Speaker 1: what you're trying to prove. So this confirmation bias is
45:17
Speaker 1: a big thing in science, but it's also occurs with
45:20
Speaker 1: people in general. So if you're someone that's always saying
45:24
Speaker 1: something or stating a fact, then every time you go
45:27
Speaker 1: and talk about that topic, you're only going to pick
45:29
Speaker 1: and choose the knowledge that's available or the facts that
45:34
Speaker 1: are out there that's available, or even you know, references
45:38
Speaker 1: that you can use that are going to support your argument.
45:40
Speaker 1: Even if there's a huge body of evidence that goes
45:45
Speaker 1: against what you're saying, as long as there's this tiny
45:48
Speaker 1: little bit of evidence or as long as that one
45:50
Speaker 1: person has confirmed to what I believe in, then that's
45:52
Speaker 1: confirmation bias. It's saying that I'm true, I'm correct. And
45:55
Speaker 1: the problem is because we identify so heavily with being right,
46:00
Speaker 1: and we think that if we're wrong, it's going to
46:03
Speaker 1: be a stain on our identity. We look at it
46:06
Speaker 1: as a threat to who we are. Then we protect
46:10
Speaker 1: being right at all costs. And if you've been someone
46:13
Speaker 1: that's especially when it comes to a belief system, that's
46:16
Speaker 1: when it gets really strengthened. Then that's when people get
46:18
Speaker 1: really emotional and quite and even violent. When you talk
46:21
Speaker 1: about beliefs, like look at religions and conflict within religions,
46:25
Speaker 1: you're talking about strengthening a belief that you attach so
46:28
Speaker 1: much off your individuality, who you are as a person,
46:32
Speaker 1: and what you consider to be your sense of self.
46:34
Speaker 1: You attach that to your belief So if that ever
46:36
Speaker 1: gets threatened, you try and find all these things that
46:39
Speaker 1: are going to confirm for you to be right. So
46:43
Speaker 1: that confirmation bias happens on a really highly emotional, massive level,
46:47
Speaker 1: but it actually exists, exists throughout your day in everything.
46:51
Speaker 1: Like I was talking about at the start of the
46:53
Speaker 1: podcast about all Man of fact, if you're thinking that
46:56
Speaker 1: you're going to have that confirmation bias of trying to
46:58
Speaker 1: seek out to be like, see I was right. See
47:02
Speaker 1: that just confirms my bias. That confirms my belief, that
47:05
Speaker 1: confirms my opinion, that confirms my argument. So if you
47:10
Speaker 1: look at what you're arguing towards, how much of it
47:13
Speaker 1: is beneficial for you and how much of it is
47:16
Speaker 1: going to be good for you, and how much of
47:17
Speaker 1: it are you hurting yourself by trying to prove a point.
47:21
Speaker 1: If you're standing there saying no one in my life
47:25
Speaker 1: helps me, I am isolated. Everyone's fucked. You know, I'm
47:30
Speaker 1: just out here on my own. No one wants to
47:34
Speaker 1: you know, see me or hang out with me, then
47:36
Speaker 1: what do you think is going to happen? And another
47:38
Speaker 1: thing is that the brain tends to discount information that
47:43
Speaker 1: undermines our previous judgment or actions. So that is why
47:47
Speaker 1: you defend it That's why you defend dating a toxic person,
47:50
Speaker 1: because it's a threat to your decision to date them
47:53
Speaker 1: in the first place. That's why you defend something that
47:56
Speaker 1: you did in the past, even if deep down you
47:58
Speaker 1: know it was wrong. You don't want you know, Like
48:03
Speaker 1: I said, we strengthen our sense of self by being right,
48:06
Speaker 1: So you try to discredit anything that says that your
48:11
Speaker 1: past actions were wrong or whatever you make excuses for
48:14
Speaker 1: that behavior. The brain doesn't treat information equally or fairly,
48:19
Speaker 1: so we're going to favor things that either make us
48:21
Speaker 1: feel safe or confirm our actions, our thoughts, or our behaviors.
48:27
Speaker 1: So in an argument, if you start to feel threatened
48:31
Speaker 1: and uncomfortable when something that you said or believe in
48:34
Speaker 1: is challenged, and it's that kind of really uneasy feeling,
48:37
Speaker 1: and it's that idea where we, you know, are attaching
48:45
Speaker 1: too much of ourselves to that argument or that opinion.
48:47
Speaker 1: Whereas if you removed your detachment and you didn't think,
48:50
Speaker 1: my sense of self doesn't derive from that, and I
48:53
Speaker 1: can turn around and say, Wow, I was actually wrong,
48:56
Speaker 1: and people are not going to think you're an idiot
48:57
Speaker 1: for saying that. But because you've ever done that, or
49:00
Speaker 1: you've never experienced that, you might feel that it's just
49:03
Speaker 1: like unfathomable that you need to protect what you said
49:06
Speaker 1: at all costs to strengthen your sense of self and
49:08
Speaker 1: for people to believe that you know what you say
49:12
Speaker 1: is valid and has some weight to it. But when
49:15
Speaker 1: you encounter someone that has no problem saying that they
49:18
Speaker 1: were wrong, you don't think that person's a fucking idiot.
49:20
Speaker 1: I'm not going to believe what they say in the future.
49:22
Speaker 1: If anything, that person is probably you're more likely to
49:26
Speaker 1: believe what that person is going to say, and that
49:28
Speaker 1: person probably has more validity because they have no problem
49:31
Speaker 1: admitting when they are wrong. So that way, when they
49:33
Speaker 1: say something and claim to be right, I personally am
49:38
Speaker 1: more likely to believe them because I'm like, that person's
49:41
Speaker 1: not emotionally attached to being right or wrong, which I
49:45
Speaker 1: think is really important for us to learn as individuals
49:49
Speaker 1: and as communities. There were even studies that were done
49:52
Speaker 1: that there was a certain region of the brain that
49:56
Speaker 1: would fire if someone had, say, had a belief about something,
50:01
Speaker 1: and then someone came and confirmed that belief, so they
50:04
Speaker 1: agreed with you on that belief. The neural activity in
50:08
Speaker 1: that area was a lot stronger, so it confirmed it.
50:10
Speaker 1: It made you even more sure about what you were saying. However,
50:14
Speaker 1: when someone disagreed with what you had to say, that
50:18
Speaker 1: area kind of fired less and you kind of discounted
50:21
Speaker 1: or discredited what that person had to say because it
50:23
Speaker 1: wasn't aligned with what you were saying. So while it
50:27
Speaker 1: might have swayed your opinion a little bit, it didn't
50:30
Speaker 1: make you pause and think and maybe change your mind.
50:32
Speaker 1: You're like, nah, I'm still going ahead with this, but
50:35
Speaker 1: I'm going to discredit everything you've said and not really
50:37
Speaker 1: take it in, you know. So it's that idea of
50:39
Speaker 1: kind of discounting and not paying attention to what that
50:44
Speaker 1: person is saying and raising that argument and allowing yourself
50:47
Speaker 1: to get fully emotionally invested in something, especially someone agrees,
50:53
Speaker 1: because if someone agrees, instead of you staying neutral, your
50:57
Speaker 1: argument is even further strengthened. So this confirmation bias happens
51:03
Speaker 1: internally and externally, so either you confirm it or even better,
51:06
Speaker 1: what makes people feel even better if something external confirms
51:10
Speaker 1: what you're thinking. So when you have all these thoughts
51:14
Speaker 1: about how shit you are at focusing or are you
51:17
Speaker 1: able to complete this task, or when you think about
51:21
Speaker 1: other people and your expectations on other people. All of
51:24
Speaker 1: that has got to do with what you focus on expands.
51:27
Speaker 1: If you continue to focus on those things and you're
51:29
Speaker 1: not paying attention to your language, you're going to keep
51:31
Speaker 1: getting the same off that thing. If you're willing to
51:35
Speaker 1: change your language or change what you're focusing on, change
51:38
Speaker 1: what you're perceiving, you're going to weaken those strong, ingrained
51:42
Speaker 1: beliefs and you're going to start to allow new and
51:46
Speaker 1: different things into your life. You're going to approach it
51:48
Speaker 1: more with a more fresh mind, and you'll probably be
51:52
Speaker 1: open to better, you know, friendships, relationships, engagement with other people.
51:58
Speaker 1: That is all for today's podcast. Guys. If you are
52:01
Speaker 1: doing the mindset Hacks, it's an extension of this podcast.
52:04
Speaker 1: I'm actually going to be going into specific neuroscience exactly
52:07
Speaker 1: what areas if your brain are involved in all of this.
52:10
Speaker 1: I'm going to be giving you three exercises on how
52:15
Speaker 1: to counteract those things as well, and they'll all be
52:19
Speaker 1: the podcast notes on mindset Hacks as well, which is
52:21
Speaker 1: a new thing that I'm doing adding the podcast notes there. Yay,
52:25
Speaker 1: that is all everyone, Thank you so much. If you
52:27
Speaker 1: do want to join, if you haven't already, it's just
52:29
Speaker 1: Alexis Fernandez dot live. Guys, have an amazing day, have
52:33
Speaker 1: an amazing week, and be kind to yourself, be kind
52:37
Speaker 1: to other people, and be kind to your brain. Dunker
52:42
Speaker 1: and Bay