Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Expects 24-7 Availability
Transcript
- Lucas: Luna, I want to start with a number. A 2025 study from the Pew Research Center found that 46 percent of employed adults in the US say they check work messages outside of work hours at least a few times a week. That's nearly half the workforce. Luna: That's brutal. And I bet the number is higher for people with a certain type of boss. Lucas: Exactly the point. The study breaks it down by manager behavior, and the stat that jumped out at me was this: people whose managers expect a same-day response after hours are four times more likely to report high stress levels. Four times. Luna: And we're not talking about surgeons or emergency responders. We're talking about accountants, marketers, software engineers. Lucas: Right. So today I want to talk about what to do when your boss treats every Slack message like a 911 call. The always-on expectation has become a quiet epidemic in knowledge work, and it's not just annoying — it's correlated with real health outcomes. Sleep disruption, cardiovascular issues, the whole cascade. Luna: But here's the question: how do you push back without looking like you don't care? Most people I know are terrified that setting a boundary will be interpreted as a lack of commitment. Lucas: And that fear is rational. It's not paranoia. There's a well-documented 'presenteeism bias' — managers reward visibility, and if you're not visible after hours, you may get passed over for promotions. So the trick is to manage the perception while you manage the boundary. And there's a specific technique I've seen work at places like Goldman Sachs and McKinsey, where the hours are extreme but the best performers somehow protect their sleep. Luna: I'm listening. What's the technique? Lucas: It's called 'response time anchoring.' The idea is simple: You don't just stop responding — you set an explicit, predictable schedule for when you do respond. And you communicate that schedule proactively, not reactively. Luna: So instead of waiting for the boss to get mad that you didn't reply at 10 PM, you tell them in advance what to expect. Lucas: Exactly. Here's how it works in practice. Let's say your boss regularly sends messages after 8 PM. Most people do one of two things: they respond immediately, training the boss that late-night messages work, or they ignore it and then feel anxious all evening. Response time anchoring says you pick a window — say, 9 AM to 6 PM on weekdays, and if a message comes in after 6, you reply first thing the next morning. But you don't just do it silently. You create a pattern and you name it. Luna: Name it how? 'Hey boss, I'm going to ignore your emails after 6'? That works great. Lucas: No, of course not. You use a script like this: 'I'm checking email at the top of each hour between 9 and 6. If something urgent comes in after that, I'll catch it first thing the next morning. If there's a true overnight emergency, please call my cell.' You're not saying you're unavailable — you're saying you have a system. And you say it in a team meeting or in your email signature, not as a confrontation. Luna: I wonder how many bosses would actually respect that. I've had managers who would see that as a challenge. Lucas: Some will. And that's where you have to make a judgment call about whether your boss is just clueless or actually toxic. The clueless boss often just needs the pattern explained. They send late messages because they're working late and it's convenient for them, not because they want to test you. The toxic boss, though — the one who sends a message at 11 PM and then follows up at 7 AM asking why you haven't replied — that's a different problem. Luna: Right. And our show has covered gaslighting and blame-shifting and credit-stealing — but the always-on expectation is almost like a slow-drip version of those. It's not one dramatic incident, it's a thousand small pings. Lucas: It's cumulative. And the data backs that up. The same Pew study found that people with always-on expectations are 52 percent less likely to say they're satisfied with their job overall. That's a huge number. And it's not just about the annoyance — it's about the erosion of autonomy. When you can't predict when work will intrude, your brain stays in a low-grade threat state. Luna: So what do you do with the toxic boss who won't respect a schedule? Lucas: You escalate — but strategically. One approach is to use a 'communication log' for two weeks. Every time the boss contacts you after hours, you log it: time, channel, your response time, and any follow-up. You don't show it to anyone yet. You just use it to see the pattern and gather evidence. Then, if you need to talk to HR or a skip-level manager, you have concrete data instead of a feeling. Luna: That's smart. But a lot of people don't have a skip-level they trust, or they fear retaliation. Lucas: That's real. And I don't want to pretend there's a risk-free move. But there's a middle ground: you can set an auto-responder after a certain hour. Not a vacation responder, just a gentle one: 'Thanks for your message. I'm offline for the evening and will respond by 10 AM tomorrow. If this is urgent, please text my cell.' That's not combative — it's informational. And it shifts the burden onto the boss to decide what's actually urgent. Luna: I like that. It's basically a polite version of 'you decide how important this is, not me.' Lucas: Exactly. And over time, most bosses will self-select. The truly urgent stuff — like a client crisis — will go through the cell phone channel, which should be reserved for actual emergencies. The rest will wait until morning. You just have to hold the line consistently for two to three weeks. If you cave once, the training resets. Luna: So consistency is key. That makes sense. And I think it's worth mentioning that some companies are starting to formalize this. France has the 'right to disconnect' law. A few US companies have experimented with no email after-6 policies. But mostly, it's still on the individual to manage. Lucas: Yeah, the systemic solution is rare. Which is why this show exists, honestly. If we've helped you think through a career move or a difficult conversation, that's the whole point. And listener support is what keeps these episodes free of ads — no sponsors, no middlemen. People who find value here sometimes chip in at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo, and that helps us keep going. Luna: Yeah, and we're grateful for that. It lets us focus on the content without worrying about metrics. Lucas: Exactly. So, back to the always-on boss. One more tactic I want to share: the 'deferred response with a timestamp.' If you absolutely must reply after hours because the boss has a pattern of punishing slow responses, you can use a scheduled send feature. Write your reply at 10 PM, but schedule it to send at 6 AM. It arrives early, looks diligent, but you didn't actually work at 10 PM. Luna: That's a clever workaround. But doesn't it just reinforce the boss's expectation that you'll work at night? Lucas: It does, and that's the trade-off. I'd call it a short-term bridge while you implement the anchoring system. You use it for a week or two, then gradually shift the scheduled send time later — 6 AM becomes 7 AM, then 8 AM. Meanwhile, you're also using the verbal script to set the new norm. The goal is to move from reactive availability to deliberate availability. Luna: I want to bring up one more thing. What about when the boss's expectation is explicit? Like, it's in your job description that you're expected to be available evenings and weekends? Lucas: That's a different conversation. If the expectation is contractual, you have a choice: renegotiate or leave. But I'd argue that in most cases, it's not in the job description. It's an unwritten rule that the boss enforces. And unwritten rules can be rewritten. Luna: So step one is figuring out whether it's explicit or implicit. If it's implicit, you can test the boundary with one of these tactics. If it's explicit, you need a bigger conversation. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the distinction I want listeners to take away. Most always-on expectations are implicit — they exist because nobody has ever challenged them. And challenging them doesn't have to mean conflict. It can mean clarity. You can say, 'I want to make sure I'm responsive to the things that matter most. Let me propose a system that lets me focus deeply during core hours and still catch urgent items.' That's not a complaint. That's a proposal. Luna: I think that framing is important. It positions you as someone who's optimizing, not complaining. Lucas: Right. And that's the difference between being seen as difficult and being seen as strategic. Managers respect strategy. So go in with a plan, not a grievance. Luna: Alright, I'm going to try the scheduled send trick. But I'm also going to be honest with myself about whether my boss is just clueless or actually toxic. That's the first filter. Lucas: Good. And if it's clueless, you can probably fix it in two weeks. If it's toxic, you have a bigger decision to make. But at least you'll know. Luna: Thanks for that, Lucas. I think a lot of people needed to hear that it's okay to set a boundary without quitting their job. Lucas: Absolutely. And if you do decide to make a move, we'll be here for that conversation too.