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Why Do Relationships Feel Unsafe? Insecure Attachment or Emotional Overwhelm with Bev Mitelman, M.A · Rock My Finances

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  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Rock My Finances show on k FORHD
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  Speaker 2: Radio and Talk for TV, where we put the fund
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  Speaker 2: in finance joint powerhouse Jeffer Jos CDFA CMC and private
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  Speaker 2: control and components with your money, your way. It's not
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  Speaker 2: about the zeros, So what is it all about? Let's
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  Speaker 2: find out now. Here's your host and weekly friend, Jennifer Jose.
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  Speaker 3: Welcome back to another amazing episode today, I have a
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  Speaker 3: great guest for you. I cannot wait to get into
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  Speaker 3: this because one of my one of my mantras is
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  Speaker 3: a life unexamined is not worth living, by mister Socrates.
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  Speaker 3: And this is what we're going to give in and
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  Speaker 3: do today. So I'm going to bring on right now,
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  Speaker 3: miss Bev Middleman. I want to make sure I'm saying
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  Speaker 3: that right. Founder of Securely Loved and is a verified
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  Speaker 3: good therapy professional shares how insecure attachment, emotional overwhelm, and
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  Speaker 3: early relationship trauma shape our romantic relationships, our self esteem,
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  Speaker 3: our family dynamics, and even without us realizing it, this
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  Speaker 3: stuff's going on underneath to surface, y'all. So welcome, Bev.
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  Speaker 3: Did I mention? Did I say your name right?
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  Speaker 4: You did? Thank you so much. It's such a pleasure
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  Speaker 4: to be here.
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  Speaker 5: Thank you Middleman.
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  Speaker 3: I love it, love it, love it. So we are
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  Speaker 3: on rock my finances. And my favorite word is the
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  Speaker 3: F word. A lot of favorite words the F words,
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  Speaker 3: But this what I'm talking about is the feeling. And
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  Speaker 3: so I believe in manifestation, I believe in lave attraction.
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  Speaker 3: I believe in all women being at a decision making
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  Speaker 3: table in the United States and the world. I believe
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  Speaker 3: that women feeling worthy of wealth will literally change this world.
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  Speaker 3: This is true inside me, my body, these are my bones,
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  Speaker 3: this is everything. And your Securely Loved website. I hope
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  Speaker 3: you all check out our website. Take her quiz find
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  Speaker 3: out what attachment style you are so that you can
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  Speaker 3: relate to your family, friends, staff, lover, anybody a little
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  Speaker 3: bit better.
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  Speaker 5: Kids also, right, Yeah, I love that.
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  Speaker 3: So I wasn't able to take the quiz yet, So
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  Speaker 3: I want you to tell us a little bit about BEV.
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  Speaker 3: Tell us about the different emotional attachment styles. How different
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  Speaker 3: can they be?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's great.
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  Speaker 6: So essentially one of the key things that I like
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  Speaker 6: to start off with is to tell people that surprisingly,
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  Speaker 6: everyone has an attachment style, and it's really just a
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  Speaker 6: way in which we form in a motional bond with
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  Speaker 6: someone else. Right, And these patterns the way in which
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  Speaker 6: we go about interacting with ourselves and with others. They're
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  Speaker 6: established really really early in our child. So you can
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  Speaker 6: imagine we're born zero to five and like we're like
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  Speaker 6: a blank slate. So everything that we see, we feel,
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  Speaker 6: we experience, we hear, all of that forms a template
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  Speaker 6: that then lives in our soub conscious mind that tells
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  Speaker 6: us this is the way that I am to think
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  Speaker 6: about myself and interact with others.
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  Speaker 4: Right.
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  Speaker 6: So this is where the attachment styles come in. So
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  Speaker 6: we often talk about four attachment styles. There's actually two
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  Speaker 6: broad categories. If we step back, there's people who are
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  Speaker 6: securely attached and people who are insecurely attached. In a nutshell,
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  Speaker 6: people who are securely attached grew up in a home
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  Speaker 6: where there was a good amount of emotional attunement from
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  Speaker 6: their caregift.
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  Speaker 7: What does that mean?
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  Speaker 4: That means we're we're.
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  Speaker 6: Not talking about perfection because I'm a mother too. None
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  Speaker 6: of us get this perfectly right, right, but emotional attunement.
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  Speaker 6: So the child learned that they could be their authentic self.
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  Speaker 6: If they were sad, it was safe to say I'm sad.
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  Speaker 6: They learned to communicate, they learned to identify their emotions.
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  Speaker 6: They learned about boundaries and respect for themselves and others,
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  Speaker 6: and they learned healthy coping mechanisms. All of this really
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  Speaker 6: great stuff that helps us as we become adults.
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  Speaker 4: Right in everyday life.
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  Speaker 6: It helps us at work, it helps us with family members,
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  Speaker 6: it helps us with the romantic partners.
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  Speaker 4: It's sort of the utopia.
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  Speaker 6: Right, So these people grow up with a healthy bait
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  Speaker 6: of coping skill.
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  Speaker 4: They're securely attached.
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  Speaker 3: Now, most of us are completely screwed up and insecure.
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  Speaker 6: So in North America the stats are somewhere around forty
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  Speaker 6: to fifty percent. It's probably about forty percent are securely attached,
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  Speaker 6: which means the rest the sixty percent are insecurely attacked.
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  Speaker 5: Can you ever change that?
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  Speaker 4: Yes?
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  Speaker 6: Okay, good, But I want people to understand what these actions, right,
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  Speaker 6: because again, it's just a way in which you form
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  Speaker 6: an emotional bond. It is not a mental illness, it's
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  Speaker 6: not a personality disorder.
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  Speaker 4: That's not what we're talking about here.
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  Speaker 6: So people who are insecurely attached, they unfortunately didn't grow
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  Speaker 6: up in homes where they had as I previously described,
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  Speaker 6: this level of emotional atonement. And there are so many
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  Speaker 6: situations whereby a child can be either you know, not
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  Speaker 6: get consistent love, not feel consistently safe, feel emotionally neglected,
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  Speaker 6: be abused, on and on and on where they develop
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  Speaker 6: a different lens. Right, they don't feel safe in the world,
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  Speaker 6: and so what they do to survive. Every child does
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  Speaker 6: this is they create a set of maladaptations to survive
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  Speaker 6: the environment that they're in in their house of origin. Now,
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  Speaker 6: those maladaptations generally follow us into adulthood because people are
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  Speaker 6: unaware of this because if listeners support So, what are
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  Speaker 6: these maladaptations that I'm talking about.
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  Speaker 4: There's one of two ways that a child can go.
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  Speaker 6: When a child is not getting the emotional tunement that
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  Speaker 6: they need in order for healthy development, they either become
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  Speaker 6: anxiously attached or avoidantly attached.
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  Speaker 3: All in or don't even try to get in this
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  Speaker 3: heart of mine.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, kind of right, And there's all sorts of variations
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  Speaker 4: to that.
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  Speaker 6: There is a category actually that develop both avoiding trades
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  Speaker 6: and anxious traits.
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  Speaker 4: And that was me for many, many years.
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  Speaker 6: And so I would sway back and forth between this
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  Speaker 6: anxious attachment and also avoid attachment. So, just to give
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  Speaker 6: your listeners a little bit of an idea, oftentimes people
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  Speaker 6: see themselves when I start to describe some of this.
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  Speaker 6: The individual who becomes anxiously attached as an act adult
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  Speaker 6: often had a parent who was not consistent or predictable.
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  Speaker 6: So they would get love sometimes and they knew that
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  Speaker 6: felt good, but often the love was taken away or
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  Speaker 6: the parents would leave or there were too many kids
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  Speaker 6: in the home, so they only you know, only got
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  Speaker 6: attention and validation. Sometimes maybe the mother, for example, was
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  Speaker 6: an alcoholic and one day was very loving and the
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  Speaker 6: next day was very mean, And so the child develops a.
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  Speaker 4: Sense of this is not predictable.
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  Speaker 6: I am not safe, right, and they start developing when
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  Speaker 6: they become anxiously attached all sorts of maladaptations to try
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  Speaker 6: and win the love, earn the attention and love from
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  Speaker 6: the parents, and they generally become overly congenial, perfectionist. They
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  Speaker 6: start becoming mothers little helpers. They they're the ones that
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  Speaker 6: do usually like you know, exceptionally well behaved. They're trying
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  Speaker 6: to always stay in the good graces of their parents
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  Speaker 6: to earn their love. This is where we start to
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  Speaker 6: see the break in the authenticity, because the child is
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  Speaker 6: given no space. Even if the child is feeling legit
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  Speaker 6: angry about something, the child is given no space to
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  Speaker 6: be angry because oftentimes in.
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  Speaker 4: These homes all of the oxygen.
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  Speaker 6: Is taken off by one individual person who demands that
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  Speaker 6: all the attention is on them, right, And so the
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  Speaker 6: child learns very quickly there's really no space for my authenticity.
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  Speaker 6: If I'm having a bad day at school, I'm sad,
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  Speaker 6: I'm upset. I still have to put a smile on
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  Speaker 6: my face and pretend like everything is fine to please
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  Speaker 6: my caregiver, or I will lose their love.
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  Speaker 4: Now, think about that pattern for a moment.
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  Speaker 6: It is so destructive because what we see is oftentimes
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  Speaker 6: these people who are anxiously attached, they up believing that
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  Speaker 6: they have to give selflessly, they have to sacrifice everything
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  Speaker 6: in order to be loved by someone else, especially in
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  Speaker 6: a romantic context.
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  Speaker 3: Well, and then it's not even like they don't even
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  Speaker 3: know themselves now, because now they're turning themselves in such
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  Speaker 3: a pretzel to make the caregiver, and then your best
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  Speaker 3: friend in ninth grade, and then the cool boyfriend in
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  Speaker 3: twelfth grade, and then the college dude, Like you don't
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  Speaker 3: even know who you are now because you never even
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  Speaker 3: got to become yourself, because you're still trying to win
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  Speaker 3: something that you don't even know what it is. At
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  Speaker 3: this point, you're just trying to make yourself safe and happy.
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  Speaker 4: That's exactly right. They're unaware of this.
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  Speaker 6: And because the emphasis you said it so well, because
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  Speaker 6: the emphasis is always on I'm going to make this
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  Speaker 6: person happy, because if they're happy, then I'm safe. There
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  Speaker 6: is no space given to actually identify your own trades.
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  Speaker 4: Right, what brings me joy? Yeah?
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  Speaker 5: What is joy for? Yeah? What brings who am I?
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  Speaker 7: Right?
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  Speaker 3: So we have a question from our someone typed in
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  Speaker 3: a question for us. So this is from Lisa. What
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  Speaker 3: if it's the mother who's demanding all the attention and
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  Speaker 3: not another sibling?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, thank you Lisa.
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  Speaker 6: So this is a very very common scenario right where
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  Speaker 6: we have and this could be a mother who is
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  Speaker 6: mentally ill or who has a personality disorder or an addiction, or.
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  Speaker 7: A mother victim mindset and all the mindset.
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  Speaker 6: You know, we talk about parentification where some children are
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  Speaker 6: made to adopt rules within a family that are well
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  Speaker 6: above their sort.
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  Speaker 4: Of expected age range.
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  Speaker 6: There's a lot of scenarios here where we see you know,
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  Speaker 6: domineering over controlling and matched mothers.
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  Speaker 3: Right.
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  Speaker 4: So this is generally when we have a mother who is.
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  Speaker 6: Not respectful of boundaries, because boundaries are extremely important in
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  Speaker 6: developing a healthy relationship between parents and child. When there
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  Speaker 6: are no boundaries and the mother is expecting all the
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  Speaker 6: attention for themselves and the children exist to serve the mother,
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  Speaker 6: generally the impact is great on the children, right, And
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  Speaker 6: this is a perfect example of where a child can
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  Speaker 6: go one of two ways and a great segue.
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  Speaker 4: They can either turn.
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  Speaker 6: Themselves into a pretzel and become extremely congenial to earn
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  Speaker 6: the love and they're usually then called the golden child
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  Speaker 6: you could do no wrong, right, or oftentimes they become avoidant.
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  Speaker 4: Right.
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  Speaker 6: They become avoidant because they actually find that it's suffocating
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  Speaker 6: to be so emotionally enmeshed with the mother, right, And
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  Speaker 6: so what they do is they tend to isolate themselves
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  Speaker 6: a lot. Children who become avoidantly attached, who we know
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  Speaker 6: to be avoidingly attached as out of they tend to
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  Speaker 6: spend a lot of time I'm alone. As children, they
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  Speaker 6: learn very young that they cannot rely on their caregivers
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  Speaker 6: for any comfort, support, assurance, validation.
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  Speaker 4: So if the mother is.
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  Speaker 6: You know, maybe has historyonic that's say, personality disorder, and
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  Speaker 6: there's always something going on and everything's about them, the
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  Speaker 6: child has no space for their fields.
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  Speaker 3: So they learn so many coping skills on their own,
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  Speaker 3: and then when they become an adult, they are trying
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  Speaker 3: to do it all themselves, so they're really not being
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  Speaker 3: theirselves a good self and a partner with someone else,
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  Speaker 3: So we have what do we have another? I don't know,
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  Speaker 3: five to six more minutes. Can you go over the
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  Speaker 3: rest of the attachment styles.
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  Speaker 6: Yeah, So I just want to mention again that like
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  Speaker 6: the aboordingly attached person, they do have a very hard
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  Speaker 6: time when they get into relationships because they're used to
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  Speaker 6: being on their own right, and they're also petrified this
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  Speaker 6: idea of being emotionally suffocated once again because that's what
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  Speaker 6: they experienced and to them, love feels unsafe.
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  Speaker 3: So would that person just be like a serial dater
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  Speaker 3: or a serial booty gall or something?
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  Speaker 5: Right?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, So these individuals typically.
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  Speaker 6: Are the ones that really favor you know, what's it called?
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  Speaker 6: Like a situationship?
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  Speaker 5: Yes?
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  Speaker 3: Right?
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  Speaker 4: I love that.
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  Speaker 7: Yeah.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, we don't really have to put a label on it.
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  Speaker 4: We don't have to commit to anything. We don't have to.
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  Speaker 6: They're really afraid to take that next step towards commitment
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  Speaker 6: because they really value their independence, their freedom. They're afraid
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  Speaker 6: of any level of enmeshment. They're really afraid of vulnerability.
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  Speaker 6: Vulnerability was never tolerated for them. A lot of these
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  Speaker 6: children were criticized, judged, or punished harshly, if they cried,
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  Speaker 6: if they showed that they were upset. Because again, if
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  Speaker 6: we use the example of the mother, the whole point
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  Speaker 6: is to keep the mother happy. So the child has
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  Speaker 6: no they have no leeway, right, and so they just
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  Speaker 6: they sort of come inward and they expect very little
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  Speaker 6: from the people around them, and they become an island
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  Speaker 6: onto themselves. It's not that they don't want love and affection.
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  Speaker 6: Most humans do. It's that they don't have the roadmap
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  Speaker 6: for how to have a healthy relationship.
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  Speaker 4: So even if you are in a relationship.
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  Speaker 6: With an avoidant, which by the way, will take a
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  Speaker 6: long time for them to trust you, but you know,
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  Speaker 6: if you want to bring up something and have a conversation,
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  Speaker 6: even even conflict for them feel very very.
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  Speaker 7: Threatening, very scary.
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  Speaker 6: Yeah, very scary, and they're likely to they're likely to
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  Speaker 6: sort of run away from.
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  Speaker 3: That for sure, or break up and you're ghost they're
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  Speaker 3: going to be ghosted any or you're done, yeah, or
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  Speaker 3: I've also experienced they scream and yell to scare you
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  Speaker 3: to get you to be quiet so they don't have
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  Speaker 3: to have that conversation anymore.
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  Speaker 6: Which who is also a form of avoidance because You'll
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  Speaker 6: notice what they're doing is they're ignoring what you're saying
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  Speaker 6: and they're escalating to deflect.
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  Speaker 7: Yep, right, I'd like to flect. Yep.
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  Speaker 3: So PM is asking is this applying to modern day
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  Speaker 3: or is this just for years before nineteen eighties? I
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  Speaker 3: see it now. I mean I'm single and dating, so
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  Speaker 3: I do see it now.
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  Speaker 5: What do you think?
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  Speaker 6: Yeah, excellen, so so thank you, PAM. Attachment styles was
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  Speaker 6: first studied in the nineteen fifties, so the way in
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  Speaker 6: which we form as humans' emotional bonds, this science has
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  Speaker 6: been around for a long time, well before the nineteen eighties.
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  Speaker 6: What we're seeing even more so now because we have
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  Speaker 6: dating through the modern world in the digitized format, is
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  Speaker 6: we see less accountability for our behaviors.
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  Speaker 4: So we see things like ghosting.
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  Speaker 6: Now, ghosting is a behavior that someone who's avoidant, who's
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  Speaker 6: trying to avoid conflict, would have always done in the past.
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  Speaker 4: They would have avoided ghosts and whatnot.
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  Speaker 6: But in the when we met our partners to community,
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  Speaker 6: there was consequence.
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  Speaker 7: Because you get everybody.
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  Speaker 6: If you mistreated me, I'm going to go tell my mother,
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  Speaker 6: who's going to tell her best friend, who's going to
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  Speaker 6: write because you were usually set up or you met
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  Speaker 6: through church or community. Now online people are anonymous, and
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  Speaker 6: so we see a lot more of these. Really, I
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  Speaker 6: consider them terrible behaviors. So the behaviors are not new,
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  Speaker 6: but the incidence is rising because of this perceived lack
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  Speaker 6: of any recountability.
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  Speaker 5: Yes, I love that.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, with the last five minutes we have, give me
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  Speaker 3: some other attachment styles.
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  Speaker 6: Okay, so there's the last attachment style which we mentioned
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  Speaker 6: is the fearful avoidant.
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  Speaker 4: Or the disorganized attachment.
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  Speaker 6: The fearful avoidance is actually a millange, a mix of
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  Speaker 6: traits between the anxious and the avoidance, and the fearful
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  Speaker 6: avoidant actually generally comes out of a home where there
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  Speaker 6: was extreme chaos and oftentimes a use any kind of
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  Speaker 6: abuse verbal, physical, could be sexual.
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  Speaker 4: You know, emotional.
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  Speaker 6: And so what we see here is is that the
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  Speaker 6: young child will reach out to the caregiver for comfort
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  Speaker 6: and safety and love like every child will do, and
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  Speaker 6: the want to become closer and activate, you know, to
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  Speaker 6: get that love and reassurance. But that same person that
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  Speaker 6: they are moving closer towards is also the same person
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  Speaker 6: that is harming them right right, And so it creates
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  Speaker 6: a pattern, a psyche in our a schema on our
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  Speaker 6: mind that is disorganized.
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  Speaker 4: I want love. I'm going to come.
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  Speaker 6: Towards you, but I'm also really fearful because I know
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  Speaker 6: it hurts me, so I'm going to.
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  Speaker 4: Take my space.
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  Speaker 6: And so these people grow up into adulthood and as
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  Speaker 6: romantic partners, they're often known as the hot and cold partner.
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  Speaker 6: So you know they want love, but if you get
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  Speaker 6: too close, it triggers them. It feels uncomfortable, this feels unsafe,
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  Speaker 6: and they often push you away. So you might have
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  Speaker 6: a beautiful weekend with this person and then they'll tell
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  Speaker 6: you they need two weeks to themselves.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, yes, yes, okay, that's a great firefighter schedule.
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  Speaker 5: Actually, so.
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: Can you become an anxious avoidant to a secure attachment?
• 18:29
  Speaker 4: You can.
• 18:30
  Speaker 6: So I want people to understand that these things live
• 18:33
  Speaker 6: on a continuum. Right, We have trade, so nobody falls
• 18:36
  Speaker 6: exactly in one right. But the work that I do
• 18:39
  Speaker 6: is I work with people to uncover their poor wounds and.
• 18:44
  Speaker 4: Help them to rewire some of these patterns that are.
• 18:48
  Speaker 6: In their mind, that are that are guiding their thoughts, emotions,
• 18:52
  Speaker 6: and behaviors in these unproductive ways.
• 18:56
  Speaker 4: Now these ways were productive when you were very young.
• 19:00
  Speaker 6: They kept you safe, but they're no longer productive in
• 19:03
  Speaker 6: your adult life. Right, most of the time they're keeping you,
• 19:07
  Speaker 6: you know, struggling from forming healthy and really nurturing relationships
• 19:13
  Speaker 6: with people.
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: So now going to translate that into money as well.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: Because how you feel about one thing, it's how you
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: feel about everything. So yeah, the attachment style you're feeling
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: for this relationship is also your relationship with money. So
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: it's very important to find that out where it's coming
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: from and change shift your money beliefs as well, just
• 19:30
  Speaker 3: like with this. So go to Bev's website, do your
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: test and see where you fall, because this is where
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: we need to do our work.
• 19:39
  Speaker 7: Right.
• 19:40
  Speaker 5: We have two minutes left.
• 19:41
  Speaker 4: BEV.
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: Give us some really good, juicy things here, give us
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: some positivity.
• 19:44
  Speaker 5: Where's the positivity?
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: Listen?
• 19:46
  Speaker 6: The positivity is yes, we absolutely can make changes, right,
• 19:50
  Speaker 6: So that's definitely positive.
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: I work with couples and it doesn't take three years.
• 19:55
  Speaker 6: I work with couples and individuals, and within a couple
• 19:58
  Speaker 6: of months we can see some real changes.
• 20:01
  Speaker 4: The biggest change you'll see is how you relate to yourself.
• 20:04
  Speaker 5: Which is the most important thing.
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: We have to love ourselves and respect ourselves before we
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: can respect money or anyone else.
• 20:10
  Speaker 6: You know, and love and respect are really important. But
• 20:14
  Speaker 6: at the root of attachment is trust.
• 20:17
  Speaker 5: Be true true.
• 20:18
  Speaker 6: So what we want to do is we want to
• 20:20
  Speaker 6: re establish a level of trust that we have and
• 20:24
  Speaker 6: safety that I have what it takes to.
• 20:28
  Speaker 4: Make the right decision, make it through these.
• 20:30
  Speaker 6: Difficult moments, you know, do something on my own, getting
• 20:35
  Speaker 6: to a new relationship, all of these things, and that
• 20:39
  Speaker 6: my emotions, of course, really impact my thoughts, yes, really
• 20:45
  Speaker 6: impact by being your actions.
• 20:47
  Speaker 5: Yes, absolutely, Bev.
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: I so love that you get and you nailed it
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: all the way down to trust. We want to trust
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: ourselves with all of our decisions so that we can
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: make better choices and moving forward.
• 20:58
  Speaker 5: Bev, you are amazing.
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: Everybody back out her website securely love get there do
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: your quiz. Bev. Thank you so much and you're so knowledgeable.
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: We really do appreciate you coming on Rock my Finances.
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: I want everyone to be able to say, I rock
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: my finances.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: We appreciate you joining us today, and don't forget to
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: subscribe to the rock my Finances YouTube channel for more
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: engagement and bonus content. Tell me what is your money story.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: Let's find out with Jennifer right here on K four
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: HD radio and Talk for TV. It's not about the zero,
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: It's about the F word. Feelings, feelings. Jennifer can't wait
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: to explore with you next week. Until then, let's all
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: say I rock my finances.