Latest / Many Things with Steph Libby / It’s not a motivation problem

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It’s not a motivation problem · Many Things with Steph Libby

0:05
Welcome back to Many Things.
0:06
I'm Steph, I'm multi-passionate, and I'm building my dream life one step at a time, and this is the podcast where I talk about all of it.
0:13
Today I wanna talk about, I guess the topic is really consistency.
0:17
Well, that's maybe a little bit of a misnomer, but I'll get into that in a second.
But I've been thinking about this a lot, um, the past couple weeks, and my biggest hurdle, my absolute biggest challenge is consistency and taking action.
I used to call it a motivation problem, but I'm so, so, so motivated.
I have big dreams, huge dreams.
I just have a hard time corralling my excitement and turning that energy and passion into action.
I have an endless supply of ideas and enthusiasm, but it's just so much easier and so much more fun to stay in a dream state, in a planning state than it is to do it, it's scary to take action.
It's scary to put yourself out there.
It's scary to put your all into something and potentially have people shit all over it.
It's scary to put your all into something and you shit all over it.
Um, it's even scary when you only put a little bit of energy into something and put it out there.
Maybe it's because I'm a writer and an introvert, and I'm always in my head and ruminating, so I'm just always in this very heady space.
I live in my head.
I've spent so much of my life using my imagination and thinking through storylines and plot and character development, and in that creative head space you can live an entire lifetime with a character in just an afternoon, you know? And it's even hard sometimes to get those storylines on paper, to transfer it from thought to real words on a page, and and I find that same process happens a lot with me and my real daily life.
I have so many dreams and goals, and they are just so vivid in my mind, and then I snap out of that space and I look around and I'm reminded of just how far I have to go, and at times that- Does feel really demotivating.
Like, how am I ever gonna get there from here? How long is this process gonna take me? How much time is this gonna take me? And then there's always, like, that long worry of like, am I actually gonna get...
Am I gonna put all this work in and even get a chance at the thing that I actually want at the end of it? Like, am I actually gonna get that dream or is it all gonna be for not or is it all gonna be some, like, completely different version of this dream than this thing that I've had in my mind? And you hear all these stories from people you admire and aspire to and who inspire your work and creativity and passions, and they're making it work somehow.
Like, I'm constantly in awe of people around me, um, personally, uh, people I follow online, and, um, celebrities and writers and artists and all this stuff, and living and dead, you know? And they're living their dreams.
They, they have these creative, artistic, influential lives.
They are so connected to a purpose, and they have such a good sense of self and who they are and what they're accomplishing and what they're creating, and I find that so honorable and enviable and desirable, and I'm always just, like, fascinated by, um, the lives of creatives.
Like, I just am.
I, I always find those stories so fascinating.
Like, I'm always learning something from a creative person, even if it's not, like, my definition of creativity or even if it's not in the, you know, creative space that, that I'm drawn to.
Like, if they're living in a different kind of, uh, medium or interest or whatever, I can still like...
I still love learning about their journeys and how they got here and what motivates them so you hear these people, and I'm, I'm always so, so drawn to, um, stories about people who are, like, living that real, classic kind of, stereotype of a creative person, like someone who, lives and breathes their passions and hobbies.
And even if they're not necessarily, like, a creative person, but they just, like, love...
They really, like, make time and space for being multidimensional.
I'm just very drawn to that, and I'm always so inspired by an artist's kind of life and their day-to-day life and how they function and move through the world and their point of view.
But anyway, I digress.
Um, but you hear all these stories from people and, you know, they're connected to that purpose and, um, they're very self-actualized And then I find myself asking a really important question to myself, which is, am I just in it for the outcome or am I in it for the journey? Am I here for a well-lived, intentional life filled with, you know, rich experiences, or am I aspiring to something else entirely? And if I'm aspiring to that thing, does that actually align with, how I'm actually going to live my life? You can as- aspire and be inspired by someone and be envious of the life they have, but, like, also fully know very well that that's, not a life that you're realistically going to live.
5:44
So just bear with me for a second, 'cause this will probably seem like a very superficial example, but I'm hoping it'll help make my point.
So if you think about fashion I'm drawn personally to, a lot of different styles.
And I think they're gorgeous, and they're fun.
And sometimes I just think, what if I could...
Could I be the person that pulls that off? And then you, like, take a step back and you go like, "Absolutely not."
Or you go to a store and try on something in that vein and in that style, and it's immediately clear that this is a big, big fat no for yourself and it doesn't feel authentic.
What I'm, what I'm getting at though is that, you can appreciate all these different styles that exist and that are out there, and be envious that someone can pull it off and, but know in your heart that that's, like, not a good fit for you.
You know, it's pretty to look at, but it's, like, not how you're actually gonna dress.
There are always, some, dresses that I'll see and I'll be like, "Oh, I, like, would love to pull something like that off."
And then you buy it and you put it on, and it's just so obvious that, like, this just...
It feels like you're wearing a costume, you know? It doesn't feel authentic.
It feels like this is your idea of what a cool person looks like.
But it does not look cool on you.
Not 'cause you're not cool, but it's doesn't sit well on your body.
It's just fundamentally off.
I think the same thing happens, like, when I think about, these big ideas of like creativity and consistency and what's motivating me to begin with.
You know, like it, it goes back to that question of am I, am I just in it for an outcome or am I in it for the journey? Am I here for a well-lived intentional life or something else? What all of this kinda comes down to is what's the real goal here, because I'm telling myself it's one thing, this pure experiential creative life, but then I'm so consumed by other things, by the rewards, by the outcomes, by, um, all the kind of superficial stuff.
And sometimes I worry that I'm so focused on the outcome and the future and the dreaminess of what could be that I lose sight of the present.
I lose sight of what's important right now and what's important ultimately.
I lose sight of why I wanted that end goal in the first place.
I didn't, I didn't become a writer because I wanted to one day have a best-selling book.
That wasn't even in my mind's eye as a kid.
I became a writer simply because I liked making up stories.
I loved getting lost in a fictitious world that helped me make sense of my actual world.
I loved to control the lives of these characters when there were times when I felt like that was the only thing in my life I could control.
The goal of, oh, I'd love to have a best-selling book one day, I think that'd be so cool.
I'd love to see my name, um, on the New York Times list, you know, is absolutely a goal I have.
But that wasn't what started the dream.
And this is where being multi-passionate really has its drawbacks because I wanna do so many things, and so many of them are actually quite connected to each other.
They are a related ecosystem of things.
They all belong to each other, around each other.
So you'd think that would make it easier to make time for all these things, but it's really hard and at least for me, and my brain can feel so, my brain can feel so laser focused on something, but also completely untamed and wild and and off on another planet at the same exact time.
And I don't quite know how to explain that to people if you haven't lived it, but I have a really hard time reining myself in and saying, "This is your time to focus on this thing, and later will be your time to focus on that other thing."
Or I have the problem where I can't step into action.
I just wanna daydream, because the dreaming feels so productive, right? Like the planning, the strategizing, The visualization gives me this rush, this excitement that action itself can't really compete with because when I'm visualizing success, when I'm looking ahead to the outcome, all the hard work's been done.
All the drudgery is over with.
The work becomes a footnote.
But when I drop back into reality and say to myself, "Okay, now go get it.
You've been dreaming about this thing.
Go after it," it's like my feet are cement.
It's like, how? Like I, I legitimately know the steps I need to take to get there.
It's not like I'm clueless as far as that goes, but I don't know how to achieve them.
I, I don't know how to stick with things.
I don't, I don't know how to like just one, two, three, go, you know? When you only have one or two things that you actually care about, I don't think it's necessarily any easier to focus on them.
But when you have many interests and you wanna do all the things, I do think it's a little more difficult just because there are more layers to the onion that you have to consider, and you're inevitably splitting your time up between all those things.,
And so at times it feels futile to, to do anything at all.
And I know that that is just a defeated thought.
I know that for a few minutes a day consistently can lead to great things.
I know that logically.
But to get myself to really believe that enough to actually do it and stay consistent with it is just such a challenge, and that's what's been on my mind a lot the past couple of weeks.
Like most people, I'm really good for a three-week streak.
I can live my best life taking a little bit of time for everything, but I can't seem to sustain it.
I eventually feel like I burn out even though in theory it feels like, oh, I've created something that's like quite sustainable.
But the second one cog falls out of place, or the second I give myself just a little pass on the tiniest thing, the wheels fall off.
Like everything tailspins and goes off the rails, and I act so shocked.
I was listening to a lot of music last night, and at one point I was listening to Taylor Swift because of course I was And I couldn't stop thinking about how prolific she is.
And I was thinking about what it must have been like to be touring in the most successful tour of all time, and at the same time she created two albums in two fairly different styles, two different tones.
And one of them was, like, I think it was, like, 18 songs or something.
And she's someone who actually writes the songs and works on the music, you know? It's not like she's just showing up and, recording someone else's work for a couple hours and, peacing out.
That's wild to me.
And I would love to know what a day in her life must look like because I can't imagine that it's not just incredible consistency and dedication.
And then I was wondering, does it even feel like work to her? I'm, I'm...
like, I'm sure touring and all that feels like work.
It, you know, it's laborious and, and all of that, and tiring, but when she gets up in the morning, does it feel like she's, like, clocking in? You know what I mean? Like, does it feel like she's, like, clocking into a job, or does it just feel like she's, like, clocking into her life? And I've always envied people like that because I, it m- I have no idea how she feels, but, a lot of people make it seem like they are just, clocking into life, and I've always envied that.
13:32
When I was in grad school, there were people who were getting up at 5:00 AM every day, every single day, and they'd write whether they thought they had something to say that day or not.
It didn't matter.
13:45
You know, writing was a practice.
It was a commitment.
Showing up was what mattered.
It felt almost spiritual.
Like, if they didn't get their morning writing time in, then they'd be restless the rest of the day.
They'd feel completely unsettled.
13:59
They'd feel out of sorts.
14:00
Their writing session grounded them.
It didn't feel like it was a choice, but it also didn't feel like they were forcing themselves to show up.
It's like they'd been doing this practice, this routine for so long that it, simply was.
It just existed.
14:14
It was fact.
And just as involuntary as,, waking up or making dinner or falling asleep, it just was, and I think that's so beautiful.
I really admire that dedication, and it really informed how I define, you know, quote, unquote "writer" and how I envision a creative life.
And as I've gotten older, you know, as I get older, I keep returning to, to that vision, and I think a lot about that time in grad school and, like, what I was seeing, um- You know, when I was younger, writing very much felt like that for me.
14:54
It was a routine I didn't really think that much about.
I was always writing or journaling.
15:01
It was n- it wa- it wasn't...
15:03
it was something I prioritized without really thinking about it as a, oh, I'm prioritizing this.
15:10
It was just, like, kind of like the natural choice.
But as I got older, the stakes got higher.
Writing wasn't just something I did for fun anymore, it was something I wanted to build my life and my world around, but I didn't know how, and I didn't know if I was good enough to do that.
And the more pressure I felt around writing, the more it became something I did to, like...
15:38
I don't know, it sounds strange to say out loud, but it's like something I did to impress other people.
15:42
I wanted to share my stories and have people go, "Oh, wow."
I wanted to get...
It wasn't just about whether or not I liked a story anymore, and that I was, doing it for myself.
It was more about the audience, and I wanted, recognition.
I wanted to be, good at something, 'cause I've...
I'm not, I'm not good at, like...
I'm not really strong, in a lot of things.
I don't, I don't have a knack for something, per se.
16:07
And so the more I did to impress other people, the more it became just another item on my to-do list that held equal weight to doing laundry.
16:18
And the more I leaned into that mindset, the more I found myself slacking around writing and so many other things in my life.
Balance is just a really hard thing for me to achieve, and then the more I think about creating balance, the more pressure I feel.
It's this really interesting catch-22 situation.
I need to be aware that I need structure in order to effectively build structure, but the more aware I am about needing structure, the more overwhelmed I feel, and the more time I spend thinking about what that perfect balance and structure would look like, and, and then the less time I actually spend living out that structure and that routine.
So I guess all of this to say, like, I know this isn't a motivation problem, I know it's not a passion problem, and it's not really even a discipline problem.
So what is it? And I think it just really boils down to being a systems problem.
Like, I have no systems.
I have no structure.
I have no routine.
I'm 38.
I'm gonna be 39 in August, and I'm only now being able to really identify this root cause of something I've struggled with my whole life.
And I've only been able to identify this problem now because I've succumbed to being multi-passionate.
You know, for years I told myself that I needed to focus on one thing.
I can't do it all.
I have to put myself in a box.
And so for a long time, I thought that having too many interests was a distraction.
It was holding me back from being able to do anything well.
I needed to specialize.
I needed to focus.
But once I gave myself permission to say, "Fuck that," everything has gotten a little clearer, and I'm happier, and I'm feeling a bit more comfortable every day in my own skin.
Being multi-passionate has allowed me to embrace being a beginner and giving myself grace as I try new things, instead of feeling like I need to enter every space and activity as an expert or don't bother doing it at all.
But it's also given me s- it's also allowed me to give myself grace for, um, being afraid and being scared.
And instead of beating myself up for the times I don't show up to something, making sure I tell myself good job when I do show up.
So that I actually kind of, like, look forward to doing the thing instead of beating myself up all the time.
So I've accepted that I'm not gonna limit myself, so now what? Like, what do I do with that? Once I was able to get past the, you know, too many interests problem, I've been able to look beyond that wall for the first time in a very, very long time, maybe ever.
So now I'm in a bit of a conundrum, like how do I build the systems and structure that I'll, number one, stick to, and number two, get me to where I wanna go? Because there's another...
You know, there's another very interesting thing that's happening beneath the surface of this, like, revelation or whatever, and that's the fact that I've created this story around myself that I've been telling myself for years that I don't thrive in structure.
And I talked a lot about, um, creating false stories around myself in a few episodes back.
Um, so I'm still ruminating on that.
It's still, like, in the back of my mind, you know? Like, so for anyone who hasn't listened to that episode, I, I think in part what I talk about is, like, you know, these stories I've, I've, I've been telling myself about myself.
You know, I've been telling myself that I don't thrive in structure, that I'm a flake, that I don't stick to anything that I set out for myself, that I'm a failure.
Um, and for good reason.
Like, that's been my pattern.
That's why I keep telling myself those things, because that's what I'm observing about myself.
But I can't help but think that I was creating false systems around a false idea of what I wanted my life to look like.
So in a way, of course I failed, and part of it could have simply been not the right time.
Like, why, why does it always have to boil down to me being some kind of loser or failure? Why can't the answer simply be, "Not ready.
I wasn't ready.
It wasn't a good time"? Why can't it be a gentler, more respectful, graceful response to myself? But that's a, that's a topic for another day.
Another thing I failed at when creating structure in the past is doing too much at one time.
Now, this is different from me telling myself that I have to filter down my interests.
What I mean is that I create a new routine completely cold, cold turkey, and expect myself to just, like, snap into shape immediately.
Like I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and be a completely different person somehow, rather than, slowly making my way towards that routine.
Like essentially I create something so unbelievably unrealistic that of course I'm gonna fail.
I allowed for no flexibility or shit happens kind of thing, but also the routines I've created in the past were just produce, produce, produce.
And I think that's where it's important to think about the very nuanced differences between routine, structure, and systems.
These words get used interchangeably and while they're all kind of striving towards the same thing, they're kind of different legs on a stool, you know, like different layers of the onion.
So how I think of it is this.
System is the process that makes results repeat.
It's something you can optimize.
Structure is the environment that reduces friction.
You know, how I design and organize my environment to help myself achieve success.
Like what do I basically like what do I do to help reduce excuses? How can I influence and create a path of like least resistance around me? Um, so that those things that I want to be doing are feel so much more easier and you don't have to think about doing them, you know, because honestly the more I think about doing something the less I'm going to actually do it.
And then routine is the specific actions that you repeat.
So they're concrete, they're definable.
Routines create results that can help refine the system that you create.
And look, as I'm sitting here talking, I fully realize that this whole episode is just one more example of me sitting around ruminating, thinking, planning, all of that.
And so some of that is just unavoidable, right? But the important part is, is that I'm trying not to focus so much time on the thinking part and the planning part and really trying to think about the taking action.
'Cause I think what happens is I just spend too much time thinking about everything, and I can come up with the checklist and all that stuff.
At the end of the day, you really need all three of these things, system, structure, and routine, to make stuff happen, and I think that's where I've really failed in the past.
I haven't had all three.
You know, I've had, like, a lot of routine, boxes to check off my to-do list, but no system to hold me up when motivation dips, which it always does.
A system without routine is just a pipe dream that never comes to life And I'm great at coming up with a routine.
I can create a to-do list and a daily schedule like no one else.
I thrive in creating order and organization and optimizing workflows.
I'm literally paid to do that every single day at work.
What I'm not good at is meeting myself where I'm at and creating a sustainable, buildable, realistic routine that is a baseline of what I need to achieve at a minimum and feel good and accomplished.
What I do instead is create this like uber regimented clusterfuck that goes sideways really, really fast.
And because I've set that bar so high to start with instead of being real with where I'm at and acknowledging that like it's not gonna be a perfect routine to start and I do that on purpose because I feel like I'm always playing catch up, right? Like I'm always trying to make up for lost time.
So my, my thought is like, well, then I'll just make an even harder routine to follow.
And then I inevitably don't follow through on it because why would I? Because I've set the bars too high.
And then I go into this like shame spiral, and then it takes me a while to get out of it, and then I feel good.
It's just this like endless cycle that keeps happening.
But when I've noticed that lately I've been trying to like lower that bar a little bit, and suddenly the list, the routine suddenly becomes achievable.
And then the other lower priority stuff becomes extra.
Like, oh my gosh, like I'm doing extra now? What? That's such a pick me up.
So I went from feeling like I'm getting nothing done to getting a little bit done and then feeling like I'm motivated to do all the extra stuff that like normally I would try to jam into my routine and set myself up for failure.
But now it just kind of, the momentum of accomplishing stuff and feeling like I've actually done a full day's, you know, list of to-dos actually ends up helping me just keep moving forward and do even more.
For a type A person, there's just no better feeling than I got all of my shit done and then I did more.
It's the best feeling.
For better or for worse, it's a real high for me.
It's just really interesting how much more I can get done and accomplish and put my mind to things when I give myself the system to do it and the grace to do it slowly and realistically.
And then what do you know? I believe in myself, and then I can tweak the system and the routine to add a little bit more to my plate.
I can turn the dial up on my expectations just a little bit, like, you know, just enough, you know? And so I think that's been one of the hardest things to come to terms with of, of this whole journey that I've been doing.
Everything has just sort of boiled down to needing to be consistent and needing to be realistic and being okay with doing things slowly.
It's really hard, I think, especially being in my late 30s and, and especially if you feel like you're not where you wanna be, it can be really, really stressful.
The pressure to make up for lost time is not just a, oh, I'm getting older thing, but it, the n- the noise from it is much louder as I get older.
I've always been someone who always feels like I'm not doing enough and part of that is because of the consistency issue.
I've never been a consistent person.
I've always set up dreams and, and things I wanna accomplish and goals and tried to set up like schedules and things that would help me get there, and they just always fall through.
It's not that I'm not motivated.
It's not that I don't wanna accomplish the things that are there.
It's just that I don't have the systems and the structure and the routine in place That leaves room to function as like a backup plan.
The second I don't com- the second I don't follow through on one small thing, everything falls apart, and it snowballs, and it makes it really hard to show up again the next day.
And I think that's a big part of consistency that, like, I don't think about enough.
When I think about consistency, I tend to think a lot about a consistent checking off of the things on my list, like that's consistency.
But The other side of consistency that I don't focus on enough is the, showing up consistently.
Even if you don't show up well, even if you don't show up as the best, even if you don't show up and get everything done on your list, that does not mean that there's no point in, like, showing up well the next day or learning from that.
And more often than not, what will happen is I just stop.
And because I wasn't consistent once, I stop doing it altogether.
And that is, I think, the biggest habit that I have to learn to break, that this all or nothing mentality.
I've, I've talked about it a few times, um, in different situations on the podcast, but this all or nothing mentality.
In some ways I'm like, I kinda know where it comes from, and in other ways I don't.
But, and it's odd because it's like I can be really consistent with a lot of things.
I can be very consistent when there's a lot of external forces forcing me to be consistent.
But when I'm-- when it's just a matter of, like, showing up for myself and doing the things that matter to myself, I still really struggle with being consistent for consistency's sake for myself.
Um, and, and I'm sure that part of that is, like, a self-esteem thing.
I'm sure part of that is a self-worth thing and confidence.
And I think part of it is also just feeling exhausted and feeling foggy a lot of the time, and those are things that I'm trying to work on too, because that also...
Like, your energy levels also impact consistency.
It's one thing if you're dealing with one of these factors.
Oh, I, I lack energy or, I don't have the systems or, I don't believe in myself to follow through on a routine.
Everyone ha- probably deals with one or two of those.
But when you have a lot of them kind of working together against you, it does complicate something that should be by and large very easy, just, showing up for yourself.
That's really, all any of this boils down to is just showing up for myself in a way that proves that, like, I care about myself it shouldn't be that hard to just show up for yourself, and it shouldn't feel like a minefield to do it, and it shouldn't feel like you have to plunge the depths of your psyche to just show up for yourself and learn to be, like, a little bit more consistent for myself.
But I think a good place to start is building those, the structure and the systems to support the, the goals I wanna have.
I read James Clear's Atomic Habits book, and I know I've talked about that a couple times, but I think it's just really resonating with me and staying with me a lot, and there's just been a lot of things that have been ringing very true since I started, reading that book.
And it's helped me really reflect on a lot of, on a lot of things.
It's funny 'cause even when we, when I started reading that book, I kind of fell into the same trap that I always fall into, which is, I'm gonna read this book, it's gonna change my life, it's gonna feel amazing, and I am going to wake up as a completely different person.
And I think that's a feeling that I'm also trying to shake while I'm shaking all this other stuff this is like This idea, this notion that I have to become a completely different person to feel like I'm accomplished is sort of wild, and something that I've just always kinda taken for granted and just You know, it's like a saying that I have said so much that eventually, like, it's, it lost all of its meaning.
I kinda, like, became desensitized to what that statement was actually saying underneath the surface, which is that I don't think I'm good enough, and that I need to completely overhaul myself to be worthwhile.
I know that that maybe feels like a little bit of a tangent, um, from everything I was talking about through the rest of this episode, but I think it is the crux of a lot of, a lot of these things that I've been talking about.
Like, you can still build a system, you can still build structure, you can build the routine and say all of that's working great.
I think it's hard to stick to a structure In a system and a routine when, one, you feel like the odds are stacked against you because becoming a completely different person is a big, big task.
And, um, I sort of brush it off as like this like duh kind of expectation.
Like, well, of course you'd have to become a different person, but I don't know that what I'm looking to do is to actually become a completely different person.
I think really I have to get that like out of my mind because I don't think it's that dramatic of a shift that I'm looking for.
I don't think I'm actually truly looking to like change who I am.
I think I'm just trying to elevate the parts of myself that I really like and the parts of myself that I don't show up for as often, um, probably because they take a more work and more energy, When I really think about what I'm trying to accomplish, it's really not that far off from, like, who I am right now, and it's not, it really isn't like I'm reinventing myself.
I'm just trying to refine myself and Yeah, and just elevate the, the parts of myself that I like about myself, and not spend so much time in the negativity, and not spend so much time in my head, and actually put that energy that I spend daydreaming and thinking about stuff, um, and thinking about what I want and visualizing these goals, and actually start to do the work that it takes to achieve them.
'Cause that actually does feel so much more tan...
Even though it feels like a very long path, and it feels like the smallest steps sometimes feel like they're getting you nowhere, they are actually very tangible, and they do give you that dopamine rush that is Maybe not as, like, explosive as the daydreaming and the planning and the visualization and all of that, like the thinking about where you'll be at the end of all this.
I think those two, you get like a dopamine hit from that too, right? But I think it hits very different because one is real and tangible, and one is make-believe.
And you might get a rush from the make-believe, but i- it's a different kind of rush you get from actually checking something off your list and actually feeling like, "Oh, wow, I like...
I did something for myself today."
Because I mean, a lot of when we talk about this productivity stuff and achieving our goals and, like, wanting to better ourselves, like, it-- that is-- There-- It, it's all just different ways of helping yourself and showing that you care about yourself and that you think you're worth the effort of showing up for yourself.
If you don't believe that you can actually follow through on the systems, and if you don't believe that you're worth the effort and dedication of following a routine, you're just gonna fall into the same trap of, well, I created the system, I created the structure, I, I identified the excuses, and I found, you know, all the different ways I could make it easier for myself, so I didn't have to think about it too hard, and I created the, you know, a really flexible, easy, sustainable checklist, and I just follow that every day and don't think too much about it.
But if you don't believe that you're worth showing up for, eventually that's gonna...
I think that's gonna dwindle.
It's kind of a catch-22, though, because I think part of what showing up for yourself does over time is it helps retrain your brain that, oh yeah, I am, like, worth showing up, and this wasn't that bad, and it didn't take as much time as I thought, and it was actually very simple once I just did it, and it made me...
And I think part of the reason why I feel like I'm not worth showing up for myself is because I am ashamed that I lack so much consistency and that I lack the ability to show up for myself and that I've set a lot of different goals over the years and haven't accomplished all of them or accomplished them in the way that I wanted to or accomplished them in the timeline that I wanted to.
And so, again, it goes back to that idea of like creating this narrative around yourself and believing it so much that that becomes your truth.
And those are all really...
You know, it's so easy to say like, "Just show up for yourself and create these systems," but you can overthink it, but you can also, like, underthink it.
And so finding that balance of just, like, not thinking about it too much, just trying to do it, and, like, being okay with everything not being perfect the first go around is, is really hard because, you know, if you feel like things aren't going according to plan, it makes it harder to stick with them, and it makes it harder to believe that you can get to the finish line.
But, um, those are some things that I'm working on really hard right now.
Um, and summer is such a good time.
Like, we think so much about, like, New Year's and, um, birthdays and stuff like that as being times to...
And I guess my birthday's at the end of August.
But we think about these times of year, like especially New Year's and so forth, it's like blank slate.
Um, but I actually think summertime, the beginning of summer, is a really great time to kind of reevaluate stuff.
You're kind of midway through the year.
There's still so much of the year left.
You can really start to get clear about how you want to improve things.
And I, I think there's just, like, a part of me that's really shifting kind of mentally with not just this consistency issue and accomplishing more and, and all of that.
But, you know, every year I, reach this time of year where I kind of think about, okay, what do I want to accomplish with the rest of the year? And again, like, I, I'm realizing, like, I put these big plans in my head, and I just instantly feel so overwhelmed.
So I'm trying to figure out a way to do things, like, a little bit different than how I've done it in the past.
I'm not quite sure what that looks like yet.
But I would like to find a way to do something that feels a little bit more, um, something that feels a little less, like, defeating.
A little less defeating and a little bit more, um, doable and something that makes me feel like the more it feels like work, the less I want to do it.
And so how do I take these things that I want for myself and make them not feel like they are work? And that's hard for me because I am such a type A person that I'm just so used to kind of making everything feel like a, a work and a big to-do list and, and all of that.
But there's also that catch of, like, well, I need to have some sort of to-do list otherwise it won't be front and center in my brain, and I probably won't get anything done.
So I don't know.
I guess, like, I, I thought this episode was sort of going somewhere, but I think it's really just ending on a note of there's a lot that I'm still trying to figure out.
And, um, I think that's okay too.
Like, it's okay.
Not everything can be solved overnight.
It's important to really- really reflect on ourselves and really figure out-- I feel like every day I'm getting a little bit clearer on what it is that I want and being able to define it in more specific ways,