Latest / Voices for Voices® / Episode 87: Conquering Inner Demons: The Road to Recovering from Anxiety

Transcript

Episode 87: Conquering Inner Demons: The Road to Recovering from Anxiety · Voices for Voices®

• 0:00
  Justin Alan Hayes: Chapter 2.
• 0:01
  Justin Alan Hayes: Long and short of it, most of my adult life has been unsettling, frequently feeling at a loss for how I was going to continue living this way.
• 0:13
  Justin Alan Hayes: Some of the most basic tasks, such as eating, bathing and even brushing my teeth, had become a chore.
• 0:21
  Justin Alan Hayes: My mind kept telling me.
• 0:23
  Justin Alan Hayes: In order to do this task, I had to finish that task first.
• 0:28
  Justin Alan Hayes: Many things unrelated to sitting down for lunch are taking 60 seconds to brush my teeth after stumbling out of bed.
• 0:37
  Justin Alan Hayes: Day in and day out, the minutes and hours continue to pass as I stay focused on other things, constantly seeming more important than anything else I needed to do.
• 0:50
  Justin Alan Hayes: What were those other tasks?
• 0:53
  Justin Alan Hayes: Now, I recognize that they are mundane actions, but at the same time, I was addicted to staying ahead and in the know.
• 1:01
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was simply checking my email, refreshing my Twitter feed for the latest news and watching for notifications on my social media profiles repeatedly, to name some examples.
• 1:15
  Justin Alan Hayes: Later, I learned that this cycle was a form of rumination, doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.
• 1:24
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was not fulfilled until a new email popped up which I could open and read immediately, firing off a response to feel accomplished.
• 1:34
  Justin Alan Hayes: I think my mind was expecting some kind of prize or reward for completing each task, trying to put some immense value behind the satisfaction of closing out each and every app installed on my iPhone.
• 1:49
  Justin Alan Hayes: If I checked my email 20 times a day, that obviously equates to 20 times the reward for me, way more than someone else who had only checked their email once a day.
• 2:00
  Justin Alan Hayes: I would be 20 times more knowledgeable if I checked the news 20 times a day versus someone who checked once or not at all.
• 2:10
  Justin Alan Hayes: How silly does that sound?
• 2:12
  Justin Alan Hayes: Unfortunately, at the time, it was not silly to me.
• 2:16
  Justin Alan Hayes: It was my new way of life, for years, out of touch with reality, while trying to plan for all what if?
• 2:24
  Justin Alan Hayes: Scenarios that might hit me in the future.
• 2:27
  Justin Alan Hayes: This also means that I was actively overlooking glaring symptoms of mental illness, brushing it all aside and telling myself it was all okay because I was just trying to be a productive person.
• 2:43
  Justin Alan Hayes: Mental health and mental illness are things you cannot see To the outside world, including your family and friends.
• 2:50
  Justin Alan Hayes: One appears to be functioning normally, albeit a little strangely sometimes.
• 2:56
  Justin Alan Hayes: Everyone has their quirks, right.
• 2:58
  Justin Alan Hayes: Everyone is looking at their phones constantly anyway.
• 3:02
  Justin Alan Hayes: So who is really going to observe that behavior and think it is a serious problem.
• 3:08
  Justin Alan Hayes: Mental illness is not a bruise someone can see on your body.
• 3:13
  Justin Alan Hayes: Its severity cannot be quantified as easily as a growing stash of cough drops, cough medicine and a cabinet when you feel under the weather.
• 3:23
  Justin Alan Hayes: Poor mental health is not a measurable visible thing like fevers or runny noses.
• 3:29
  Justin Alan Hayes: I cannot even count the number of times I told someone how I was feeling, just to expect them to understand.
• 3:38
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was quickly overwhelmed because so much time has spent sharing and reliving the suffering of these feelings, when all I wanted was someone to help fight it.
• 3:47
  Justin Alan Hayes: An effective and accurate diagnosis of poor mental health and possible mental illness falls squarely on the one suffering.
• 3:56
  Justin Alan Hayes: To outline every symptom, every feeling and thought empowering the problem behavior.
• 4:02
  Justin Alan Hayes: It took me explained repeatedly with no new results, to finally realize I had to thoroughly explain what was happening inside my mind in a way others could decipher.
• 4:15
  Justin Alan Hayes: A prime example of how mental illness was affecting me was that in all my daily tasks I was effectively transforming into a human doer instead of a human being.
• 4:28
  Justin Alan Hayes: Underneath it all, I was so intent on doing this task, then that task, and then multitasking between several things, none of which were dire to my existence or personal growth, instead of just being present and living in the moment.
• 4:46
  Justin Alan Hayes: By spending all this time, energy and mental capacity doing things and worrying about the future, I had nothing left for my own well-being.
• 4:56
  Justin Alan Hayes: I had completely overlooked how my inner thoughts and feelings translated into my day-to-day life.
• 5:03
  Justin Alan Hayes: Why couldn't I pull myself back from the future?
• 5:07
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was quickly hurling myself into a no-man's land, with no way to stop the spiral.
• 5:13
  Justin Alan Hayes: What I had thought was trying to be as a productive person as possible was actually a form of FOMO fear of missing out.
• 5:24
  Justin Alan Hayes: My undiagnosed depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, autistic characteristics and panic disorder were dictating my every move.
• 5:35
  Justin Alan Hayes: I didn't know what to do to address each of them and begin managing them.
• 5:40
  Justin Alan Hayes: Who do I talk to about this?
• 5:43
  Justin Alan Hayes: Do I need to be on medications?
• 5:45
  Justin Alan Hayes: Why don't I feel the joy of being with family or attending concerts like I used to?
• 5:51
  Justin Alan Hayes: In the beginning, some of the symptoms I was suffering through could be swept aside, compartmentalized in my mind with the hope that they would just go away and I could feel better again.
• 6:04
  Justin Alan Hayes: The more I tried to ignore and bury them, the more they reared their ugly heads and the more I would not feel right.
• 6:13
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was a people person.
• 6:15
  Justin Alan Hayes: I liked being in groups.
• 6:17
  Justin Alan Hayes: I enjoyed presenting information to my classes and school.
• 6:21
  Justin Alan Hayes: During college, I did more than my fair share of partying, with a degree of alcohol abuse.
• 6:27
  Justin Alan Hayes: Now I see that alcohol was my crutch, a scapegoat to how I was feeling at that time.
• 6:35
  Justin Alan Hayes: When I graduated college and entered the workforce, I could not party the feelings away anymore.
• 6:40
  Justin Alan Hayes: It just did not make sense to continue this way of life.
• 6:44
  Justin Alan Hayes: Now, with regular working hours in addition to random drug tests and alcohol screenings looming over my head, I had to be alert and on point all day, every day during the work week, which was radically different than my one to two 90 minute college classes per day schedule I was used to.
• 7:06
  Justin Alan Hayes: This was when I became more aware of my symptoms but continued to do nothing about it.
• 7:13
  Justin Alan Hayes: I went from feeling alive in group activities to being uneasy and uncomfortable around others.
• 7:20
  Justin Alan Hayes: Attending meetings rendered me physically weak and golfed with anxiety and fear.
• 7:27
  Justin Alan Hayes: Meanwhile, in my personal life, I was overcome with the same feelings.
• 7:33
  Justin Alan Hayes: One evening I was stopped at a red light on the way to meet my fiancé for dinner when the anxiety hit me worse than ever before.
• 7:41
  Justin Alan Hayes: The seatbelt was strangling me.
• 7:44
  Justin Alan Hayes: The air quickly became too thin.
• 7:47
  Justin Alan Hayes: My heart was racing.
• 7:49
  Justin Alan Hayes: My eyes could not focus.
• 7:51
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was dizzy, suddenly paralyzed with fear, within the enclosed space of my car.
• 7:57
  Justin Alan Hayes: My fiancé had to pick me up in a random parking lot, and we never did enjoy our date, which we had been looking forward to.
• 8:06
  Justin Alan Hayes: That night, this event scared me so much I could not bring myself to drive anymore, even though I had been driving for at least 20 years prior.
• 8:18
  Justin Alan Hayes: Lived experience like this has shown me what I am capable of.
• 8:21
  Justin Alan Hayes: It has shown me how mental illness affects not only a person but the people around them.
• 8:28
  Justin Alan Hayes: Even after what I thought was planning for the future, staying completely prepared for anything life throws at me, my life still came crashing down around me.
• 8:40
  Justin Alan Hayes: At the time, I did not know if I wanted to continue living, if I could live with myself, with my choices, with my extreme lack of hygiene and appetite.
• 8:51
  Justin Alan Hayes: Not only did I live, I started to recover at a steady pace.
• 8:56
  Justin Alan Hayes: All symptoms have since lessened and I am thriving.
• 9:02
  Justin Alan Hayes: If you are reading this for yourself or someone you love, I cannot think of a better person to learn from than someone with real experience.
• 9:11
  Justin Alan Hayes: Those who teach about mental health from textbook studies can only share so much Like traditional academia.
• 9:19
  Justin Alan Hayes: The best instructors I had were those who taught how the real world is, not what they thought the real world should be.
• 9:27
  Justin Alan Hayes: Before we shift into the main content of this book, I want to make it clear that I am not a board certified psychiatrist or therapist.
• 9:37
  Justin Alan Hayes: I am just a millennial man with almost 40 years of lived experience, hoping to share his story with others.
• 9:45
  Justin Alan Hayes: This is my mental health journey A deep dive into how I am tackling the stigma around mental illness and all that comes with it, personally and professionally.
• 9:56
  Justin Alan Hayes: You will be in the driver's seat A witness to everything I have gone through to finally find peace and manage my mental health in a way that works for me.
• 10:06
  Justin Alan Hayes: Along the way, I could not have made more mistakes in judgment.
• 10:11
  Justin Alan Hayes: Eventually, I reached a point where I could cry out for help or continue to ignore everything.
• 10:18
  Justin Alan Hayes: However, without reaching rock bottom, I would not be where I am now.
• 10:23
  Justin Alan Hayes: I would not be able to share my story and help others make it through those difficult times, the tough situations, long nights and overwhelming feelings.
• 10:34
  Justin Alan Hayes: I have found my prescription for living.
• 10:37
  Justin Alan Hayes: Now let us find yours.