Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / April 9, 2024 | Expresso - Shawna Palmer

Transcript

April 9, 2024 | Expresso - Shawna Palmer · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Shauna Polymer, everybody.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um I brought my own Kleenexes and the package says, Find your fearless.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: So um so Connie's been asking me to I I'm gonna read this because so I don't go off on bunny trails.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um Connie's been asking me to share my testimony for about seven years, and I've always said no.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um and in the fall I heard a DJ share a story about he was driving to work one day and it's the same route he always took.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and he noticed that all the all of the leaves had fallen off of the trees and it left the yards exposed.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: The yards had all kinds of junk in them, and he hadn't noticed that before because the leaves had been hiding it, and it just all looked messy.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that is what sharing my testimony feels like is that all of my mess and junk will be exposed.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I have realized that my story is the one that God created for me, and I need to share it.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um so let me start by letting you know that I'm a self-diagnosed with ADD, OCD, anxiety, overthinking, type A and D personality.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and type D is you tend to have negative emotions across many situations, but avoid expressing those emotions because of fear of rejection or disapproval.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll get to all those later.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um you'll find out that that I have the ADD as I go through this because I'm gonna jump around a lot.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I was born in Manhattan, Kansas, go Wildcats.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and we lived there until I was seven.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then we moved to Topeka.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was raised by loving parents, and I have a brother named Darren that's about three years older.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I guess I could.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's my our um, yeah.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I love the haircut because I'm sure my mom cut my bang straight across.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um I was raised in a Lutheran church.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we went to church every Sunday.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um and when I was in junior high, I went through confirmation classes, and so we would go through Luther's small catechism.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: And um when I was in eighth grade, then I had to go through the questioning, which is about a hundred questions, and you know two of them that you will be asked, and there's probably 10 of you in your group, and then so the rest of the questions will be asked at random, and you have no idea.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Somehow I passed.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: So then I got to go through and have my first confirmation.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um and through that I really learned about God, but it didn't teach me about a relationship with him.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um my mom was the oldest of six kids, and we spent a lot of time with her family.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my parents showed me that family was very important.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and my dad's parents lived in Oklahoma, and my mom would be in the kitchen, and my dad would be in the bedroom, and they would call every Sunday afternoon to talk to his parents to stay involved in their lives.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um my mom and my brother were very black and white.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, very, there's only one way to get somewhere, and I was very cover colorful, which is probably hard for some of you to believe right now.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um my mom didn't know how to handle me, and my dad traveled a lot for work, and I was left with very with two very black and white people.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um this is one of my senior pictures, but um my sophomore year in high school, I started working at Kmart um to make some money, and I met a boy.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, he was a year older and went to a different high school.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: We talked for a while and then started dating, and things were going well until one New Year's Eve.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um he had a handful of friends that had rented some hotel rooms, and so we went to the hotel and he had brought alcohol.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um and most of the other people at the party left um to go to another party.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So we were left there with one of his friends, um, and he had too much to drink and he passed out.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I was left visiting with his friend.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: When he woke up, he accused me of cheating on him, um, and I'd had enough.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I took him home before midnight.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: He wanted me to stay for a while, but I just wanted to go home.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: So we got in a fight.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um he hit me several times and bit me.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I was finally able to make it out of his room.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I ran down the stairs and out of the house.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: When I got home, my parents had friends over, so I just went to my room and I hid.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I tried talking to my friends about what had happened.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I realized that they really wanted me to be there to listen to their problems.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't really want to be there to listen to mine.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I was by myself.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I ended up forgiving him and staying with him.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: He then also became emotionally abusive.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was not allowed to talk to other guys, and he would ask me every day if I had talked to anyone and then accused me of lying.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, he would tell me that no one else would ever go out with me and that everything was always my fault.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I believed him.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And he told me that no one else would ever go out with me if we broke up.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I remember one day um we'd gotten in a fight on the phone, and um he ended up at my house, and I was terrified.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I went and hid.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: I had forgotten, I know he knew the combination to the garage, but I forgot to hide the spare key.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was down in the basement under my brother's desk hiding for probably 30 minutes, but it felt like hours and hours.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um but I stayed with him.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um during my senior year, we kept breaking up and getting back together, and I knew that he wasn't the one for me because my dad didn't like him.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And family was important.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: I needed my parents' blessing.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um he would call my dad dad, and my dad didn't like that because I always had nicknames for him.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I called him Grizzly because he looked like because he had a beard, or he came home from a trip from Florida and said, I have a new name.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: I have to be really careful when I say this.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um it was Fudpucker.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because there in Florida they had a restaurant called FUDPUckers, and so I came up with the name Otis, and so he was Otis P.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Fudpucker.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and tons of people knew him as Otis.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so my dad didn't like it when he called him dad.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, closer to graduation, I'd finally had enough of the abuse, and I told him I was done for good.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Through that, I learned not to count on anybody else, but to be independent and to keep my feelings to myself.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, even lately, I still believe in the lies that he told me about myself, and I overthink a lot, and I tend to have a low self-esteem.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: I look back and I can see the positive in that.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um he had friends that worked out at Lake Shawnee, and I became friends with him.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: So on my last day of high school, which was May 17th, 1991, almost 33 years ago, we went out to the lake to meet the new guy that was starting to work out there that day, and he was a cute guy, but he was from KU.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um we talked that day and flirted some, and then a few weeks later he asked me out.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought we could just date for the summer since he was going back to KU and I was going to K-State in the fall.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: We enjoyed spending time together, and I didn't want things to end at the end of the summer.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: He was kind and patient, and I knew that he would never hurt me or say anything to hurt me.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we decided to try a long-distance relationship, which was better for me.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to breathe and have freedom.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I would see him on weekends and breaks, and after a year and a half at K-State, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do anymore, and so I moved back home and found a job.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: We had talked about getting married, and our plan was for him to finish school, and then I would go back when I figured out what I wanted to do.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: I am still trying to figure out what I want to do.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um we got engaged after about two years and married the next year.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: This June, it will be 30 years of marriage.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Umny.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I already messed that up.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: He told me before I left that I should refer to him as Steve, so nobody would know his name.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: So he graduated um in December after we got married, um, after we'd been married for six months, and I was working full-time at a bank and really wasn't ready to go back to school, and he didn't have a teaching job, so he went back to school um to get his master's and um work some part-time jobs.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: He had gotten a teaching degree, and so um the next year he was offered a teaching job at Topeka West, um, teaching science, and next month he will finish his 28th year of teaching, coaching, and investing in the lives of teenagers at Topeka West.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um after being married for about two years, we wanted to start a family.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: So after a year of trying, we needed to get some help, and then we were finally able to get pregnant.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And Jacob was born on October 1st, 1997.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I skipped that picture.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then this is Jacob.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: This was Jacob when he graduated from high school.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: He's a little bit older now, but um.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: So and then after a few years, we wanted another.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: So again, we got help and got pregnant with Emma, and Emma was born on August 19th, 2000.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: So when Jacob was about five, he was diagnosed with pervasive developmental disorder and is on the autism spectrum.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: He currently functions at about the kindergarten, first grade level cognitively, and he can throw tantrums like a toddler with the best of the toddlers there.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um finding out that you have a special needs child is a hard pill to swallow.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: You have dreams for your children before they're born, and you realize that they're not going to come true.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, Jeremiah 29, 11 says, For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: I tried to figure out what I did to cause it and what I did to deserve it.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: You wonder when he gets to heaven if he will be healed and perfect.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And God has shown me that Jacob is not broken, and he has never been.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: He is perfectly and wonderfully made, and he is one of the greatest gifts that God has given me.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then once again we wanted to add to our family.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: We tried with help to get pregnant, and for two months I decided I'm not going through this again.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: That it wasn't in God's plan, and we should just call our family complete with the two that we had.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so we sold all of our baby stuff.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then God blessed us with me getting pregnant without help.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Caleb was born on October 4th, 2005.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I had continued to work while my three kids were young.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have the patience to stay home.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: But God had been working on me, and I really didn't like the idea that my husband got to be at home with my kids during the summer and I was at work.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd moved to part-time so that I could take Jacob and Emma to school.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm gonna back up a little bit.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: When Jacob was about nine months old, my husband really wanted to find a new church home for us.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um I grew up in the Lutheran church and he grew up Pentecostal.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so we'd been going between the two of them.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: So he would fall asleep in mine, and I just couldn't handle his.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: It was too overwhelming.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: I would leave my glasses at home so I couldn't see, or it was just too much.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't do it.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: So one Sunday morning, Donnie attended TBC by himself and came home and said, I think I found a church that will work for both of us.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so the next Sunday we started attending and joined a welcome class.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I liked it because it was big, and I thought that I could hide in the back row and no one would notice me or bother me.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: And after a while, we felt God nudging us to go find other Christian families to become involved in life with.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: So we joined a small group and made good connections and grew in our walk with God.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Over the years, we have joined a few different Sunday school classes when it worked for our family.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: We have been involved in several different small groups when the timing was right for our family.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I would volunteer to work at different women's events so I could attend because I didn't have anyone that I wanted to invite.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: So by volunteering, I got to know lots of other ladies from our church.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: After having Caleb, I really felt a nudge from God that I should become a stay-at-home mom.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: So when he was a year and a half old, I left the workforce, and I've now been home for 17 years.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um in October of 2008, my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: This rocked my world.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, he was my color buddy.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I wasn't ready to lose him.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: I watched my mom become his caretaker, and she was such a rock.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: My husband and I had been wanting to have another child, so we tried to hurry up and get pregnant so that my dad could meet our baby.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: But after six and a half weeks, I suffered a miscarriage on my dad's birthday.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: At the time, if you were pregnant, you weren't supposed to be around anyone on chemo.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so God made the decision for me because he knew I couldn't choose between my dad and my baby.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I was only six and a half weeks along and we hadn't told anybody, which kind of made things easier.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um my dad fought hard, but after 18 months, he lost his battle with cancer.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: I struggled after his death.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that if we could have just done something different, he could have survived.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: I attended Grieve Share at TBC, and that helped me realize that God chose how many days my dad would have, and nothing that we could have done differently would have changed that.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: A year after I suffered a miscarriage, I found out that I was pregnant.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: And on July 20th, 2011, Lily was born.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Staying home, since staying home and volunteering for different things, um, I was asked to be on the planning committee for LOL one year.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then Patty asked if I would consider serving on our women's ministry council.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: I told her I'd pray about it, and I felt that God was giving me something for myself.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Not my husband, not my kids, but for me by doing this.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um then so my mom was amazing.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: She was loving, helpful, caring.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: She has such a servant's heart.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: And after my dad passed away, she became responsible for my grandmother, her mother-in-law.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: She would visit her several times a week.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: She so reminded me of Ruth with Naomi.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: When she remained when yeah, when my grandma passed away, my mom struggled to find her identity.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: And soon her parents' health was declining and they needed more help.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: So my mom would spend several nights a week at their home taking care of them until they moved into a nursing home.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And my grandpa passed away within a month of moving.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: My mom would call her mom every night and read her devotions and just talk about her day.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then she would go and visit her every Friday.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: In June of 2014, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: And she was given three to five years.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: I watched her take care of my dad and my grandparents, and I knew that it was my turn to take care of her.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: I went with her to every appointment, and she became my best friend.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: And when you have a special needs child, most people don't understand what you're going through.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: They can't relate to the issues that you're having.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I could share those with my mom.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: And she understood that a poopy day is literally a day with poop everywhere.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: My mom did great.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: She was so positive and faithful.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she had surgery in May of 2015 and it kicked her tail.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: She lost her will to live.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't want to see anyone, eat, or do anything.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: She was supposed to be at KU Med for two weeks.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: She ended up being there for three, and then she was transferred to a skilled nursing facility in Kansas City.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: I could see that God was faithful to me during this time.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it happened to be during the summer, and since my husband was a teacher, he was at home with our kids, and it allowed me to go to Kansas City three to four times a week to be with my mom.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: She finally turned a corner and was able to come home after four weeks.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: I became her nurse and would clean her pick line and change her ostomy bag and monitor her incisions.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Her health was filled with lots of ups and downs, and she would get in a pit and it would be hard to drag her out.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: In December of 2017, my brother had come up to celebrate Christmas right around New Year's, and we enjoyed our time together.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: But my mom didn't have much energy and she didn't feel very good.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: My brother had left, and I came to check on her on January 5th, and I had to call 911 because she was barely conscious.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: I called my brother, and he jumped in his truck and headed to Kansas because he was in Iowa.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: And the rule was always that my mom had to stay alive by any means possible until both of us were there.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: And she took her last breath right after my brother arrived.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: My mom had become my best friend, the one that I could share anything with.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I lost find some of my purpose.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: Before my mom had passed, I had made the decision that it would be my last year helping with women's ministry, so that I could spend more time with her.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: And after my mom passed, I struggled to find my purpose.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: I had been her caretaker.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: My second oldest was graduating from high school and would be leaving for college.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I had been busy attending her sporting events, but those were going to disappear.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Jacob had been on a been at home with me since graduation, so for a year and a half, and he finally made it to the top of the list for home and community-based services after being on there for eight years.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: And this meant that he could attend a day service.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: A lady that I had been cleaning and helping with daily tasks decided to move to Oklahoma to live with her daughter.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was lost.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know what my purpose was.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like God had taken all of my jobs away, and I didn't know what he wanted from me.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: We ended up finding, we went to search for day programs, and we found a wonderful program for my son.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: It was one that my mom had talked about.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: She had a friend who had a son with special needs, and when we walked in, I saw her son, and I knew that my mom had made a path for him to go there because they didn't normally have openings.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: And my son has loved going there, and he has bloomed.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: And Patty asked me to stay on women's ministry as an advisor, and I prayed about it.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the next day, my devotion pointed me to stay on.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Helping with women's ministry has been such a blessing for me.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: I've made lots of good friends, I've drawn closer to God, and I've been able to share my gifts that God gave me, and I found my identity in him.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not just a mother, wife, and a friend, but I am his child.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: When my mom passed away, we'd been in a Sunday school class, and through that class we had joined a small group.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: That Sunday school class and small group were such a blessing when my mom passed.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: The small group helped do things at my parents' house to get it ready to sell, and the Sunday school group helped us move because after inheriting half of a house, we had way too much stuff.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so they helped us move.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: And in that small group was a woman named Ann.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: A working girl named Ann.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: That sounds really weird.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: She lived in a neighborhood next to ours, and so we would walk and talk.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it would be a Saturday morning for maybe walking for three or so hours.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I was able to share with her like I did with my mom.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: I could share the yuck with Anne, and it was a true blessing for me.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then Anne moved away just before COVID.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: We continued to talk, but not as much.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: In August of 2019, my mother-in-law started having some health issues and was in lots of pain.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: My in-laws are very private people and had never really discussed their health issues with their kids.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: In December, I was allowed to start going to their doctor's appointments with them so that I could help them understand the questions and I could share the information with their kids.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: My mother in law has multiple myoma, which is bone marrow cancer.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: And due to the cancer, she has several fractures in the middle of her back and is in constant pain.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: She is currently in remission, but will always be on a maintenance chemo.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: But God gave me a purpose of being a caretaker for them.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: I still take her to all of her appointments.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: I email her every Thursday and say what's on your grocery list.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes cook meals, do whatever we can to help them.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: God's always been faithful to me.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: We've had so many ups and downs with Jacob.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to know what he's what Jacob is thinking or feeling, or if we're even doing the right thing for him.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: A few years ago he wasn't acting right.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: He was kind of freaking out.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: We had to take him off all of his medge, which caused different challenges.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: I finally reached out to God.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't the first thing I did, but I finally did it.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I gave up control and gave Jacob to God and all of his issues.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: I felt a calm after that.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew that God had him and that Jacob was going to be fine.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: And slowly the health issues resolved themselves.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: And Psalm 46, 1 says, God is our refuge and strength.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: Always be ready to help in times of trouble.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: And he just calmed me.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, um, I loved COVID.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: I know I'm a weird one.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: I loved COVID.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: I had all of my family at home and nothing on the calendar.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was a joy not having schedules.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: We could eat meals together and hang out with our neighbors outside for hours.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: It was peaceful and refreshing.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: And after COVID, we didn't rejoin our Sunday school class, and our small group kind of broke up.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um when our and then our lives became super busy again.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um and when I say super busy, my husband is a coach at one school.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: My kids are in a different district.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: So last week, um, let's see, cross country, or no, track meet on Tuesday, um, track meet on Wednesday, concert on Thursday, track meet on Friday, two soccer games on Saturday, plus a prom, and then a soccer game on Sunday, and then small group at our house, Sunday night.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um so when our lives became super busy again after COVID, um, I was struggling with needing an outlet.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I needed someone.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I prayed that God would help me find someone to fill that need.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, shortly after that, um, Anne let me know that she'd accepted a position in Topeka and that they would be moving back.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: And God had answered my prayer.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: He was faithful once again.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: Anne and I walk and talk when weather and schedules allow, and she has been a much-needed gift.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: And our small group has gotten back together with a few more couples.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: My lady is over here.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: And Anne is in my small group.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and we once again have Christians to grow in our faith with and share our struggles with.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so in the beginning, I said that I was a very colorful person growing up, and now I'm very black and white and have control issues, OCD and ADD.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm very picky about certain things being done a certain way, like loading the dishwasher.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: Has to be done a certain way, right?
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: So everything gets washed.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or stacking the dishes up in order, that way they all fit.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: And lots of other things.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: I used to say that I needed to have structure in my household for Jacob, which he does need, but I need it for me now.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I have anxiety if things are not organized, or if I'm late for something.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: And you can ask my women's ministry council ladies, if we're late to a conference, I'm freaking out, and they know it.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: We're not gonna get a seat.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so yeah.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um I overthink and have a hard time finishing some projects because I always think that I need to do something first.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: That could be part of my ADD.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: I need to take out the trash, but I should mop the floor first so I can put the stuff in there, and I yeah, don't always get things done.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um at times I have a type A personality and I like being in control, and I take pride in myself on getting places early, like beating the arrival time of my GPS.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that a game?
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, I I mean, I think I'd do it pretty good in a competitive sport of that, but you know.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um I have a type D personality, um, which is in the way I feel about myself.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: I often don't feel like I measure up and I'm afraid of being rejected.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um my life a lot of times is chaotic, um, and that's because having four kids, having a husband that coaches, and we're all going different directions.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um normally I'm running all over the place cheering them on.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um and when I've gotten overwhelmed because there are too many activities on one night, it's God has never failed me.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: He always brings in a storm and one of those events is canceled, or both of them, and we're all home together.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: He is always, and I mean always taking care of me in that way.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I really like to control situations, and God is constantly reminding me that he is the one in control.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and when I trust in him, things go a lot smoother.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: But like I said, he constantly has to remind me and remind me in big ways, like knock me off a footstool, I break my foot, sprain my ankle in a very busy time of the year.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then I didn't get the message, and eight months later, I drop an eight-foot wooden shelf on my foot and break it again during another busy time.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um so Proverbs 3:5, trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not depend on your own understanding.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um I've learned that when I relax and let God's will be done, things are so amazing.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: I shared in November that my son Jacob made the decision on his own to be baptized.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: We had asked him several times, and he told us no.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it was so beautiful and it felt amazing when he chose it for himself.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I did not have patience with my older two kids when they were little.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to go to work.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: I needed that outlet.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and God has really worked hard on me, and I am slowly growing patience.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: I am so much more relaxed with my oldest now, and we are both so much happier.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think that some of my husband has rubbed off.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: He is the most patient man, and he needed to be to put up with me for all these years.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or it could be that my youngest Lily has worn me down.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I've called her my payback child because she is a lot like me, or like I was.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: I often wonder if my kids would be better off being raised by someone else, by some by better parents.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, which I think a lot of us wonder that if we failed as parents.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um but I look at my kids now and I see how happy they are, and I see that they are growing in their faith, and I realize that I get an okay job.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um we've had lots of ups and downs with Jacob, and it and it's hard to know what he's thinking or feeling, um, or if you're doing the right thing for him.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if you let's see, um I guess I read some of that.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um so Jacob is 26 right now and doing great.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: We took him off one of his meds over the summer because we couldn't really find it anymore.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and he is actually more fun to be around, and he enjoys being around us most of the time.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um Emma is 23, she graduated from KU two years ago, and next month she will complete her first year in her doctorate program of physical therapy.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: Caleb is 18, very patient and kind-hearted.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: He is a great companion for Jacob.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: He plays video games with him, builds Legos with them, and they watch TV together.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: And he will graduate high school next month and then head to K-State in the fall.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: Lily is 12, fun-loving, very active, and involved in soccer and track, and loves on her big brother Jacob.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: Mothers him, mother hen, yeah.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um sorry I've run over on my time, but I figure that since um I've said no to Connie for seven years, that that would justify it.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I think you understand I've jumped around a lot, and that's my ADD and me, and that's how my mind works.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I want to thank you all for coming and listening to my messy, beautiful, God created story.