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Whose Grades Are They? Turning Kids Schoolwork Over to Them · Raising Daughters

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Hello, friends. Dr. Tim Jordan back with you again, the
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: brand new podcast. And I'm not sure if you've noticed this,
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: but the school year is upon us. Some of the
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: kids have started a few weeks ago. Some of them
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: are probably starting this week. So I thought I would
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: talk just for a few minutes today, give you some
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: ideas about your role in their grades, your role perhaps
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: in their education. I see so much pressure on kids today.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: I heard a story one time about a teacher who
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: asked her class to write an essay on what they
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  Speaker 1: would do if they were given a million dollars. And
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  Speaker 1: this one little boy, Johnny, turned in a blank piece
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  Speaker 1: of paper. And the teacher said, Johnny, you haven't done anything.
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  Speaker 1: How come? And Johnny said, because that's exactly what I
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  Speaker 1: would do if I had a million dollars. I think
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  Speaker 1: our belief system is that if we're not on our
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: kids night and day that they won't do anything, that
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  Speaker 1: they will not be successful. And I think there's such
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  Speaker 1: a push these days for kids to get straight A's
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  Speaker 1: and go to top college, all the things I've talked
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  Speaker 1: about before. And so I think that, I think we
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  Speaker 1: need to start doing those things a little bit different.
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  Speaker 1: I think we need to take a look at whose
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  Speaker 1: grades are they anyway? Yeah. I heard about some kid
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  Speaker 1: who felt really pressured to get straight A's in school
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  Speaker 1: and he wasn't a very good student. So one day
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  Speaker 1: his teacher pulled him aside and he said, after a test,
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  Speaker 1: he said, Johnny, I've got a feeling that you've been
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  Speaker 1: cheating on your tests. And the little boy was shocked.
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  Speaker 1: He said, Mr. Johnson, can you prove it? And Mr. Johnson,
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  Speaker 1: the teacher said, well, I was looking over your tests
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  Speaker 1: today and the question was, Who was our first president?
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  Speaker 1: And the little girl next to you wrote down George Washington,
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: and so did you. And little Johnny says, Well, everybody
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  Speaker 1: knows George Washington was the first president. Well, wait a minute,
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: said the teacher. The next question was, Who was the
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: president who freed the slaves? And little Mary next to
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  Speaker 1: you put down Abraham Lincoln, and you wrote the same thing.
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  Speaker 1: And little boy said, Well, maybe I read my history
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  Speaker 1: book last night, and I remembered it. Wait, wait, wait,
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  Speaker 1: said the teacher. The next question was, who was the
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  Speaker 1: president during the Louisiana Purchase? And Mary wrote down, I
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  Speaker 1: don't know. And you put, me neither. That's one of
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  Speaker 1: the consequences of our high pressure is I think there
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  Speaker 1: is more cheating going on today than all this AI stuff.
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  Speaker 1: Some kids will resort to that because of all the
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  Speaker 1: pressure and because their parents are on them night and day.
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  Speaker 1: I remember one time my wife and I were giving
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  Speaker 1: a talk. It was a small group of maybe about
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  Speaker 1: 20 or so parents. And these parents all knew each other.
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  Speaker 1: And it was actually in a home. And so we
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  Speaker 1: were talking about motivation. And this one mom said, you
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  Speaker 1: don't know what unmotivated means. I've got a daughter who's
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  Speaker 1: 16 years old. And she is so lazy that if
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  Speaker 1: they ever invent a remote control for your TV that's
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  Speaker 1: operated by blinking your eyes, she'll be the first one
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  Speaker 1: in line to buy it. And all the other parents
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  Speaker 1: started laughing. But then they started also to say, oh,
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  Speaker 1: wait a minute now. That's not true. She's amazing with
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  Speaker 1: our kids. She's like the Pied Piper of the neighborhood.
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  Speaker 1: And the mom said, well, yeah, she told me she
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  Speaker 1: wants to be a preschool teacher. But I told her,
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  Speaker 1: I discouraged her because you can't make any money doing that.
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  Speaker 1: And this mom's story was she grew up very poor
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  Speaker 1: and she did not want her daughter to grow up
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  Speaker 1: poor or her family to grow up poor. And so
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  Speaker 1: she was pushing and her daughter was pushing back. Here's
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  Speaker 1: some questions you might think about asking your kids along
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  Speaker 1: the way when it comes to their motivation. First of all,
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  Speaker 1: if they come to you when they're a little kid
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  Speaker 1: and they've just drawn a picture and they show you
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  Speaker 1: and they say, you know, mommy, mommy or daddy, daddy,
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  Speaker 1: do you like my picture? It's so easy to start going, oh,
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  Speaker 1: my God, it's so beautiful. That's the best picture you've
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  Speaker 1: ever done. And all of that kind of external crazy
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  Speaker 1: kind of thing. Instead of saying to them, what do
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  Speaker 1: you think about your picture? And then closing your mouth
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  Speaker 1: and listening. Because then they have to kind of go
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  Speaker 1: inside and say, what do I like about my picture?
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  Speaker 1: And then when they explain it to you, you learn
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  Speaker 1: something about them. And they do too. They learn something
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  Speaker 1: about themselves. Like, why do I like to draw? What's
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  Speaker 1: it about for me? If you don't want to be
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  Speaker 1: about you and you're praising them and all that, then
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  Speaker 1: make sure you're asking questions to reflect back What do
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  Speaker 1: you think about your grades? Why do you like to
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  Speaker 1: play soccer? Here's some more questions you can ask your
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  Speaker 1: kids when it comes to things like schoolwork. What might
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  Speaker 1: you do if you didn't have to worry about making
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  Speaker 1: a living or didn't care any by thought? What would
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  Speaker 1: you do? What kinds of things are you most drawn
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  Speaker 1: to do? What kind of activities do you do without
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  Speaker 1: getting anything from it? You just do it voluntarily. You
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  Speaker 1: choose it. What are you good at? What have you
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  Speaker 1: learned so far that you have a talent for? Here's
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  Speaker 1: a good one I like a lot. What absorbs you
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  Speaker 1: the most? What puts you in the zone? What are
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  Speaker 1: you doing when you're in the zone and you could
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  Speaker 1: blow up a bomb and you wouldn't hear it because
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  Speaker 1: you're so into, so focused on what you're doing because
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  Speaker 1: you love it so much? What kind of questions do
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  Speaker 1: you ask? What are you curious about? What moments have
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  Speaker 1: you experienced in your life that produce flow? That zone
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  Speaker 1: kind of thing. Where were you when you were in
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  Speaker 1: the flow, when you were in the zone? What were
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  Speaker 1: you working on? Who were you with? Was it a
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  Speaker 1: certain time of day that was more flow friendly for you?
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  Speaker 1: Because if you can help figure out with your child
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  Speaker 1: what area they've chosen to do, to be successful at,
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  Speaker 1: then you can influence and work with them. Those questions
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  Speaker 1: will help them mostly to look in themselves and say,
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  Speaker 1: What do I like? What am I interested in? What
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  Speaker 1: am I passionate about? What does cause me to be
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  Speaker 1: totally into it or I lose myself? Those are great
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  Speaker 1: questions for kids to start to learn about themselves along
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  Speaker 1: the way. I've read lots of books about fulfillment and
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  Speaker 1: people who have done really great things. A lot of
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  Speaker 1: successful people end up not being fulfilled by being excellent
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  Speaker 1: at what they do. They get fulfilled by being deeply
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  Speaker 1: engaged in their own thing. by choosing what they're doing,
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  Speaker 1: and they're choosing things that they love to do, that
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  Speaker 1: fulfill them. Fulfillment isn't the end result. You're fulfilled all
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  Speaker 1: along the way. And that Atami piece is part of it.
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  Speaker 1: I remember we were at a talk one time. It
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  Speaker 1: was in Asia. And there was a dad who did
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: pretty well in school until about the fifth grade. His
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  Speaker 1: first semester grades dropped to Bs and Cs and Ds.
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  Speaker 1: And he said, and this is a quote, when my
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  Speaker 1: dad saw my report card, he beat the crap out
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  Speaker 1: of me. He said, he said, that was in fifth grade.
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  Speaker 1: He said, I got A's from then on until I
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  Speaker 1: was 16. And I realized I'm as big as my dad.
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  Speaker 1: And he was no longer physically afraid of him. And
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  Speaker 1: he purposely stopped working in school. He dropped his grades
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  Speaker 1: for two semesters until he realized, not the dad, but
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  Speaker 1: this kid, He realized he was hurting his chances for
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  Speaker 1: college and perhaps his future. So he chose to start
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: giving maximum effort again. And he ended up getting admitted
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  Speaker 1: into the college that he wanted. And the grades he
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  Speaker 1: got felt totally different because it was his success, his
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  Speaker 1: victory dance, because he was choosing to do it for
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  Speaker 1: his reasons. So important. Whose grades are they anyways? So
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  Speaker 1: they need to be a choice. I remember one time
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  Speaker 1: I met this very successful businessman, and he said when
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  Speaker 1: he was eight years of age, he needed some money,
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  Speaker 1: so he asked his parents, and they said, no, do something,
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  Speaker 1: earn it on your own. And so one of his
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  Speaker 1: friends had a Doberman Pinscher dog, and so they helped
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  Speaker 1: her to get pregnant and to breed her, and they
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  Speaker 1: got 13 Doberman Pinscher puppies out of it, They took
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  Speaker 1: those puppies to the next town, sold them for $ 1, 500 each,
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  Speaker 1: and they made about $ 20, 000. And that's how this boy
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  Speaker 1: bought his first Nintendo. You think that kid took good
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  Speaker 1: care of that Nintendo? I bet you he did because
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  Speaker 1: he earned it. He earned it with his own sweat equity. Now,
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  Speaker 1: all along the way in school, sometimes it's not that
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  Speaker 1: hard for kids. Sometimes it's really hard and frustrating. Sometimes
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  Speaker 1: they get stuck on things. And I want you to
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  Speaker 1: remember that it's okay for kids to struggle sometimes. It's
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  Speaker 1: okay for them to be frustrated. Not overly frustrated, and
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  Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you step back and just let them implode,
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  Speaker 1: but to allow some frustration and allow some struggle and
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  Speaker 1: allow them the space to do some problem solving and
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  Speaker 1: to figure things out on their own. Because if they
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  Speaker 1: can do that, then they can take that and apply
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  Speaker 1: it to everything else that happens from then on. But
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  Speaker 1: they learn about themselves because they've problem solved, they've overcome
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  Speaker 1: a frustration or a problem. We don't let kids do
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  Speaker 1: that enough today, I don't think. I heard one day
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  Speaker 1: about these two girls, two sisters, who are out playing
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  Speaker 1: and one of the the girls, the older sister, fell
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  Speaker 1: down into a well. And her sister didn't know what
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  Speaker 1: to do, and so she ended up finding some rope.
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  Speaker 1: And even though she was way smaller, she very slowly
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  Speaker 1: but surely pulled her sister to safety. When they ran
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  Speaker 1: back into their village, they told people what happened, and
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  Speaker 1: none of the adults believed her. And they finally asked her,
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  Speaker 1: asked the kids, you know, how'd you do it? Nobody
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  Speaker 1: thinks you, nobody believes you. And what they realized was,
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  Speaker 1: the answer was, that there was no adult there to
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  Speaker 1: say she couldn't do it. There was no adult there
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  Speaker 1: to rescue them and then to take over. So whose
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: grades are they anyway? Obviously, they're your children's grades. It's
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  Speaker 1: their schooling. You've probably been to grade school, middle school,
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  Speaker 1: high school, if you're listening to this. You can be there.
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  Speaker 1: You can brainstorm. You can Help them to problem solve.
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  Speaker 1: You can help them to overcome their frustrations. You can
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  Speaker 1: help them to regulate so then they can sort of
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  Speaker 1: take over again. But not to do it for them.
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  Speaker 1: They're not your grades. They need to learn to become
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  Speaker 1: self-motivated and do it for their reasons. I heard a
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  Speaker 1: story one time about a family who owned a farm.
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  Speaker 1: And they chained their bull to a tree in the
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  Speaker 1: front yard, a big old tree. And as the bull
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  Speaker 1: paced back and forth every day, the chain wore away
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  Speaker 1: the bark and embedded itself into the trunk of the tree.
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  Speaker 1: And over the years, it did cause some damage to
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: the tree, but the tree kept growing. And then one day,
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: the family sold this farm. They took the bull away,
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: and they left the chain wrapped around the tree because
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  Speaker 1: it was stuck. And the tree continued to grow with
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  Speaker 1: the chain and the scar from it. Years later, a
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  Speaker 1: really bad fungus attacked all the elm trees in the area,
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  Speaker 1: But despite the devastation, the chained tree did not succumb.
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  Speaker 1: And so they called in some experts, like, well, how
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  Speaker 1: did this tree survive when none of the other ones did?
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  Speaker 1: It was examined by an expert from the university, and
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: this woman concluded that the tree was immune to the
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  Speaker 1: fungus because of all the iron it had absorbed over
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  Speaker 1: the years from the chain. It had built up a
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  Speaker 1: resilience mechanism. Hurts and adversities and frustrations can give us
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  Speaker 1: the strength that we need sometimes to overcome things. So
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  Speaker 1: we need to allow our kids to do their own thing.
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  Speaker 1: We need to allow them to take charge. I remember
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: when my son TJ graduated from college and he had
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: a job for a couple of years and then there
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: was a break and he decided that he wanted to
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: take a trip. He wanted to take a backpacking trip
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: So he bought a backpack and he bought some good
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: hiking shoes. He actually bought a ukulele to hook onto
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: the back of his backpack because he played guitar, but
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: obviously a guitar is too busy to take around with
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: you when you're backpacking. And then he bought a one-way
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  Speaker 1: ticket to New Zealand. And he had no sense of
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: how long he was going to be there. And so
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: he went there and he backpacked all over the country,
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: all over New Zealand. He had all kinds of adventures.
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  Speaker 1: He started running out of money at one point, so
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: he stopped for several weeks or a month, and he
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: worked in an orchard picking fruit, made some money, saved it,
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  Speaker 1: and then he started hiking around again. He did that twice,
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: and then he decided he wanted to go to Australia,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: and so he did. Went to Australia, hiked around, and
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: then he was starting to run out of money, so
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: he got a job at Upscale's Seafood Restaurant. It was
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: in a town... whose name I can't remember, where people
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: left to go to the Great Barrier Reef. I'm sorry,
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: to go, not the Barrier Reef. Yeah, the Barrier Reef. Anyway,
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: so he worked, saved money, and he started traveling some more.
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  Speaker 1: And I remember at that time, this is now like 10,
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: 11 months into this trip. I remember people, some of
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: our friends, people we'd meet, and they were like, don't
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: you think he should come home? Aren't you worried about him?
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  Speaker 1: That's a long time to be traveling around. He was
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: about 23, 24, I guess, at the time. And we said,
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  Speaker 1: he is having such an incredible adventure. He's learning so
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: much about himself, about life, about what he's capable of doing.
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  Speaker 1: He's taking care of himself. He's problem solving. Of course,
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: we want him to keep going until he's ready to
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: come home. He was there. He was gone for 12 months.
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  Speaker 1: He came back. He came back a much more grown
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: up version of himself. And he'd always been mature. He
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: was always our kid. He was the most intense, most strong-minded.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: So it's okay for our kids to veer off the
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: path sometimes. One of our camp counselors in the past
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: year decided, she's in her early 20s, she decided that
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: she wanted to also do a trip. And so she
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: saved her money and then she went over to Spain
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: to the, I think it's called the El Camino Trail.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: And she hiked it for six weeks. And I remember
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: some people judged that, like, oh, my God, shouldn't she
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: be at school? Shouldn't she be getting her degree? Well,
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: she's got plenty of time to finish her education. But
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: that was a trip she had a chance to do.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: It was an adventure. I haven't talked to her yet.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: She just got back a few days ago. I can't
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: wait to have a cup of coffee with her to
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: see what she learned about herself. Whose grades are they anyway?
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: Whose life is it anyway? So that means sometimes we're
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: going to need to be tough. We're going to need
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: to hold our ground. This is a true story. I
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: heard about this teenage boy one day. He came into
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: the kitchen. His parents were at the kitchen table going
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: over their finances. And so he came over and very
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: glibly asked, hey, guys, how are we doing with our finances?
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: The dad smiled and looked up. He said, actually, your
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: mom and I are doing very well. You, on the
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: other hand, are broke. I thought that was a great
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: line and a great story. In other words, saying, you know,
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: you didn't earn any of this. This is mom and I.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: We can gift you things when we choose to, but
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: it's your life. You have to create your own life
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: for yourself. I heard it one time about a teacher
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: who was talking to some young kids, teaching them about math.
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  Speaker 1: And she said, if you had one dollar and you
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: asked your dad for another dollar, how many dollars would
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: you have? And this little boy said, $ 1. And the
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: teacher said, I don't think you know your addition tables
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: very well, Johnny. And the little boy said, and you
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: don't know my dad. Whose grades are they anyway? I'm
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: encouraging you this school year to turn it over. You
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: can be there if they have questions, but don't do
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: it for them. And if they're frustrated, you can sit
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: down and listen and And hopefully just letting them vent
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: will help them to kind of calm down and regulate
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: enough to turn on their prefrontal cortex and say, so
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: what do you want to do about it? What have
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: you tried? What else could you try? And you might
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: say it sounds like you need to talk to your teacher.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: That's a lot different than saying we need to go
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: up to school and talk to your teacher. It sounds
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: like you might need to go talk to your teacher
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: and figure this out. So you turn it over. You
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: allow them not only to handle the problems and the frustrations,
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: but even more importantly, they also own the victories. It's
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: their touchdown dance, not yours. If you're in there problem
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: solving and fixing things and overdoing it, then in the end,
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: if they get the A in the paper, who owns it?
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: It's not theirs. I want them to own it. I
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: want it to be their grades, their victories, their touchdown dances.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: Last quick story about adversity. Because I think in this
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: day and age, sometimes we don't allow our kids to
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: experience adversities because we're so worried about them falling behind,
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: worried about them getting overloaded. Anyway, we're fixers these days.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: So here's a great story to keep in mind. This
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: is a quote by Haruki Murakami. And it goes like this.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: And once the storm is over, You won't remember how
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: you made it through, how you managed to survive. You
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: won't even be sure whether the storm is really over.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: But one thing is certain. When you come out of
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: That's what this storm is all about. Let me say
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: those last two sentences again. One thing is certain. When
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: you come out of the storm, you won't be the
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: same person who walked in. That's what the storm is
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: all about. So all these experiences your kids are going
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: to be having throughout the school year with grades, with tests,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: with quizzes, with teachers who they don't like, etc. That's
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: their little storms. And when they overcome the storm, when
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: they figure it out, and they come back, out wherever
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: they need to be on top, if you will, then
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: they won't be the same person before they went through
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: all that. That's the growth that all of our children need.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: So you're there. You can help make sure they don't
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: get so overloaded that they crash and burn. We can
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: be there to support but not in the way I
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: think that too many of us are doing today. So
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: allow them the autonomy, allow it to be their grades,
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: their schooling, their problem, if you will, so that when
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: they end up doing well and getting what they want,
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: they own it. Check out my website at www.drtimjordan.com. And
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: on the website, you'll find a lot of things. I've
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: written seven books today. I have a new book. It's
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: actually not a new book. I have an old book
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: that I redid this past year. And, excuse me. It's
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: called Keeping Your Family Grounded When You're Flying by the
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: Seat of Your Pants. So I wrote it. I added
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: some new chapters because things like technology and some other
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: things weren't around. I wrote the book 15 or 20
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: years ago, so it's updated. And it's now in an
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: oral form So you can listen to the book as
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: opposed to reading it. Because I know a lot of
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: you like to listen to things when you're taking walks,
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: driving around. So now you can get that in a
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: listening format. Just go to the website and you'll find it.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: It's just coming out in that form. Also, all my
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: old podcasts are on there. I think this is podcast.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: Let me look here. I believe this is number 398. Whoo!
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: Almost to 400. So you can find all of my
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: old podcasts on there under the podcast page. Also information
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: about my weekend retreats this fall. I have one for
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: grade school girls, one for middle school girls, and one
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: for high school girls, all separate age groups. Also my
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: summer camps. All the stuff that we do is on there.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: So www.drtimjordan.com. I'll be back here with a brand new
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: topic and a brand new podcast in a week. Thank
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: you so much for stopping by.