Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #265 Dealing With Exhaustion

Transcript

#265 Dealing With Exhaustion · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: once answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: Now, what I know as a parent is that I'm
• 0:13
  Speaker 3: a better dad when there is margin in my life.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: It's so ironic that today we're talking about overcoming exhaustion
• 0:24
  Speaker 3: and you're sitting here yawning like you're tired or something.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: I'm sitting here yawning.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Okay, well maybe.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: We'd like to get yawns. And you're yawning too.
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: Were you yawn first? Isn't it funny how contagious yawns are.
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: Have you noticed that somebody yawns and everyone starts yawning
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: around them. Hey, something really funny popped up in my
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: Facebook feed the other day. I thought i'd share it
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: with you. Ready for this, okay, So what I love
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: about this before I play it, is that it's a
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: dad who's giving a report on his day with his
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: kids as if he's a sports player who's just come
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: off the field and is doing a press conference. Because
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: you know how the guys in the press conferences, they
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: always said the same thing, Oh the boys did really well,
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: that's the setup you some the day.
• 1:02
  Speaker 4: Yeah, honestly, just felt like we got behind early after
• 1:04
  Speaker 4: the milk spill and the marker on the wall. We
• 1:07
  Speaker 4: just felt like we were playing catch up the rest
• 1:09
  Speaker 4: of the day. Right before you went to the store
• 1:10
  Speaker 4: you called the time out. Was there an attitude change
• 1:12
  Speaker 4: after that? Yeah, it felt like we were losing our
• 1:14
  Speaker 4: heads there for a minute, so we wanted to just
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: calm things down and get back.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: To the basics.
• 1:18
  Speaker 4: Did you ever find your keys? I no, no, no
• 1:22
  Speaker 4: idea where they are. You gave them a snack half
• 1:24
  Speaker 4: hour before dinner.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Was that planned?
• 1:26
  Speaker 4: No, last track of time. Just wasn't thinking and so
• 1:30
  Speaker 4: you know, three bites at dinner.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: That's on me.
• 1:32
  Speaker 4: And didn't look like you had many answers to the
• 1:34
  Speaker 4: double teams a question.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: I really liked that.
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: I thought it was pretty funny and really consistent with
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: what it feels like to be an exhausted parent, right.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: I just like always said, we just started off on
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: the wrong foot. As soon as the spilt milk happened,
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: that was it that the day was doomed.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: So today we.
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: Thought we would share some ideas about what we can
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: do as parents to overcome exhaustion. And and I want
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: to use a metaphor for this. What you can hear
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: right now in the background is Kylie playing the piano. Now,
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: Kylie's only just started to learn the piano. In fact,
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: I'm going to play this one instead to start off with.
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: Just started your lessons, getting very excited about counting to
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: for doing a great job, not making any mistakes, sounding good,
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: and then all of a sudden we end up at
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: a new situation where you decide to put two hands
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: together inside.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: My teachers told me I have to.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: And you went from being able to play really well
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: I forgot to count.
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: To trying to do a little bit extra. And I mean,
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: you're definitely getting better, but it's a little bit messy.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: Is it okay if I say that? Of course, because
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: you're really is.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: We's be fair.
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: This is I don't want this to turn it to
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: a pick on Kylie thing. I mean, you're doing really well,
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: and I'm so excited that you're learning the piano. But
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: it's a great metaphor for what it's like to be
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: a parent, right because you can play one hand just fine.
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: That is, you can look after your own life reasonably well. Actually,
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: some people even struggle with that. Let's be honest, but
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: most of us can look after our own lives pretty well.
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: That's like playing with one hand, and then you get
• 3:22
  Speaker 3: married or you create a partnership with somebody else, and
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: you can usually still navigate that pretty well. That's like
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: counting while you're playing the notes.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: But as soon as you.
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: Bring children into the scenario, all of a sudden, it's
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: like that second hand has to come in. So now
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: you're trying to play with one hand, count with your mouth,
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: and also play with the second hand, and.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: My second hand just does not want to stay where
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: it's supposed to stay, or find the notes that it's supposed.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: To find, or do them all the right timing. Yeap. Yeah,
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: does that not just sound like parenting a little bit?
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah, So we thought, let's talk about what it's like
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: to overcome exhaustion as a parent, or how we can
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: overcome exhaustion as a parent.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: What seems to be happening more and more.
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: I mean, I have so many parents who email me
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: and say, we're just so busy all the time.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: You talk to anybody, and.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: They say, oh, flat out don't have any time, no balance,
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: It's all too much.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: So it's probably a useful conversation to have.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: I think the reality is we're busier than we have
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: ever been, But how do we counter that because we're
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: more exhausted than we've ever been.
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: I kind of feel completely qualified in some ways to
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: answer this because I've done a lot of study, and
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: I feel completely unqualified to answer this in other ways,
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: because you're exhausted.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: I'm exhausted. Where exhausted.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: I've always tried to do too much, But in the
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: last couple of weeks, I've made a conscious decision to
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: live in this space of time.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Affluence, Kylie.
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: I've decided to I've decided that time is abundant and
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: I'm going to have all the time that I need.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: How's that working for you?
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: Not very well at all, because there's so much stuff
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: that I have to do.
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: And what happens is I say I've got all the
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: time in the world, and I'm going to be completely
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: focused here and now in the present, and everything something
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: else just stacks up, including time with children and the
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: desire to give you a great Mother's Day and all
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: that sort of stuff. We will talk about Mother's Day tomorrow.
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: I saw your eyes light up when I said that.
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: For I'll do better tomorrow. So I reckon that there's
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: a couple of things that we can do. What I
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: know as a parent is that I am a better
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: dad when there is margin in my life, and that's
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: not margin. Like on a page, you rule a margin,
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: and that creates a line from which you can start,
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: But it also gives you space to make margin notes.
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: It gives you time to pause and reflect if you
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: read over what you've written. The whole purpose of the
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: margin is not only are we starting from a good space,
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: but we're going to be able to reflect and improve
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: as a result. Margin doesn't mean I'm going to just
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: try to do less so that I can stare at
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: my phone and veg out. That's not the same kind
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: of thing. The word recreation is made of two words. Recreation.
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: We're supposed to be recreating ourselves in our downtime, in
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: our margin, but finding space for margin is really tricky.
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: So I think after the break, we should discuss how
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: we might help parents navigate this really crazy space of
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: having too much in our lives.
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: In other words, help parents to create some space in
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: this crazy space.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Love it.
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 6:23
  Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
• 6:26
  Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The Do's and don'ts
• 6:29
  Speaker 5: of Discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
• 6:31
  Speaker 5: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy
• 6:35
  Speaker 5: families dot com dot au slash shop.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we're
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: going to tell you all how to find more space
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: in your space.
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: We're so good at ourselves with our six kids in
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: the business and goodness.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: So I reckon.
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: There's a handful of things that we need to talk
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: about if we want to create more margin. And the
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: first thing that I'm going to highlight is the importance
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: of sleep. Sleep is not a luxury item. So many
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: people treat sleepers that thing that you get when you've
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: done everything else that you had to get, or gotten
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: everything else you had to get. Sleep is not a
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: luxury item. And so many parents are exhausted because they
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: go to bed so late well.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: And lots of cases they're doing all of the things
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: that they can't do for themselves during the day because
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: they're being parent and trying to be the perfect parent
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: in that space and I think the realization that we
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: can't be good at everything, and we can't have it
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: all because in order to try, it's just too big
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: a cost.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure.
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: Second thing that I think is we've got to get
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: really clear on our values and our priorities. And this
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: is not something that people spend a lot of time on.
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: We're going to do a podcast about this next week
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: because we've had a listener send us an email via
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: podcasts at happy families dot com.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: Dot are you. They've asked, what is it that you do?
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: They've heard us talk about.
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: Our quarterly getaways, but getting clear in our priorities. We
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: go away once a quarter for an I or two
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: and we talk about what our going to be and
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: try our hardest to get clear on those priorities we
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: intentionally decide, rather than letting life push us around and
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: force us to have priorities based on other people's agendas.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: One of the things that I've been really intentional on,
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: and I actually have to pull you up on it
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: sometimes as a result, is just you know, our kids
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: go off to school, and then having a large family
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: means that there are a lot of different options for extracurricula.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: For each child. I would love it if they would
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: all just play one sport, or if they would all
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: just do you know, X, Y and Z, But it
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: doesn't happen that way. And in the beginning, before we
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: were experienced parients, we used to just think if everyone
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: just had two sports or you know, two extracurricular activities,
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: we could manage. We hadn't taken into account that that
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: meant ten different activities that we were going to have
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: to and then twelve different activities that we had to
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: try and squeeze into any given week. And so one
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: of the things that I have really really been conscious
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: is trying to make our afternoons as calm and peaceful
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: and uncluttered as possible. And that has meant at times
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: when you've come to me and said this, the kids
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: want to do X Y and said that, I've actually
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: said no.
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: And it's really hard as a parent, because you want
• 9:16
  Speaker 3: your children to have every opportunity. You want them to
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: learn the musical instrument and to play this sport, but
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: also to have that opportunity at school to do the
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: drama thing, or be in the band, or play percussion.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: Whatever it might be. It's really hard to say no.
• 9:28
  Speaker 3: Which I guess kind of ties in with this idea
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: of values and priorities. If we're going to reduce exhaustion,
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: we've got to be clear on what we're saying yes
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: to and what we're saying no to. Every time you
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: say yes to something, you're saying no to something else.
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: If I say yes to one more lesson that's twenty
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: minutes across town that the kids have got to go to.
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: I'm saying no to family dinner.
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: Exactly because of the time of day. That is, because
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: it's twenty minutes there, then it's half an hour of
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: the lesson, and then twenty minutes back you've lost well
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: over an hour in a really important part of the
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: day for the rest of the family. Every time you
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: say yes, there's a cost in terms of the things
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: that you're missing out on, as well as the cost
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: of participating in and doing it. And the other thing
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: is when you say yes to all of these things,
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: they all actually cost financially as well, which means that
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: you've got to work harder, you've got to do more.
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: You kind of say yes to all that stuff, which
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: means that you might not be able to say yes
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: to a family holiday because you're spending all your warning.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: On extracurriculum, very very hard to balance.
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: I think what it really comes down to is, and
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: this is such an unsatisfactory thing to say on a
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: podcast like this, but you can't have it all, like
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: you just you cannot have it all. If you want
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: to not be exhausted, you have to say no to stuff.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: And as you're talking, I think for me, it's just
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: it's this idea of living a life of intention, you know,
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: being so intentional about the things that you welcome into
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: your space and you welcome into your life and the
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: lives of your children.
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: Something else that's really stood out to me, maybe the
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: last thing to highlight is when so we made a
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: choice early on, or you made a choice early on
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: in our marriage that you wanted to primarily be at
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: home and raise the kids while I would go out
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: and be the primary breadwinner. And while there's been times
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: where you've gone and worked and certainly supported the family financially,
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: your central way of supporting our family has been to
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: be at home with the children so that I can
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: go out and do my studies and do my work,
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: which has been really really great for us, but for
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: two people who are running faster than they're able. It's
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: really it's absolutely exhausting for two parents to have to
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: go out and work all day then come home and
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: try to look after the laundry and the cleaning and
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: the cooking and the uniforms and the permission notes for school,
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: and just doing one thing is tiring enough. It's got
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: to be so so hard. So the take home message
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: from all of this is.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Number one, create margin. Create margin, which means.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: You need to have space to breathe and to be
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: able to reflect and recreate.
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: Recreation means recreate yourself. It doesn't mean stare at Netflix
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: or play some stupid game on your telephone which isn't
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: going to have any meaningful impact on your life at all.
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: So create some margins somehow. Second, think enough sleep. Like, seriously,
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: there's so much research that talks about the benefit of sleep.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: Nine hours a night. If you can eight hours.
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: Is probably sufficient for most I know some people say
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: they can do it on six. The research wouldn't support
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: that as being a healthy way.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: To live long term. Get enough sleep.
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: And the third thing, if you can't have it all,
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: be intentional about your priorities.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm really looking forward to having a conversation in
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: the next few weeks about those couple getaways because that
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: is where we specifically talk about our priorities.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so in a couple of tuesdays, we're going to
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: be having a conversation. We received an email podcast at
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: Happy Families dot com dot you somebody asked about what
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: we do in our family meetings. We've got a daily
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: family meeting, a weekly family meeting, and a quarterly couples meeting.
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: So we're going to talk you through that because we
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: think that it's at the absolute forefront of intentional family living.
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: Can't wait to dive in and share all of our
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: secrets and the conversations that we have.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: We really hope that you've enjoyed.
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: The podcast as produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: and Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Tomorrow I'll Do
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: Better Tomorrow our favorite episode of the week. Tomorrow, though,
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: I'm more nervous than I've ever been for one of these,
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: because we're going to be sharing with.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: You some things that we've gotten wrong.
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: Oh and on Monday, how to have a playful household
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: and create traditions that count. Can't wait to talk to
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: you about that. That's coming up on the Happy Families podcast.
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: If you'd like more and fol about making your family happier,
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: fight at all at happy families dot com.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: Donate you