Latest / Student Ministry: What They Don't Teach You / Episode #4 - Parents Aren’t the Problem
Transcript
- Blake Lewis: What I'm gonna do. So when I first started ministry, I have my mentor, Scott Sullivan. He told me that if you're gonna be a good student pastor, you have to equip your parents. And I I remember looking at him like, Scott, I'm 19. What in the world am I gonna tell a parent that's 30, 40, 50 years old that they need to do with their teenager? But he was a Blake, that's something you gotta figure it out. And so I just remember early on, just sitting in my office, just staring at the wall, like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. but I remember one of the first things that I started doing was I Brand, I think you were kind of in a similar age that I got Instagram at the end of high school. That's like when Instagram came out. for those of you that are way way younger student pastors were ancient. Instagram came out at the end of high school. And so I knew how to use Instagram. I knew kind of the how things were going. And so I built a bridge between parents. in me. Now I couldn't tell that parent how they need to discipline their kid. I couldn't tell that parent how to have quiet time with their kid or you know, I couldn't do any of those things, but I could say that, hey parent, here's potentially how they're using Instagram and I want you to be aware of it. So I told about spam accounts. I told about all kinds of stuff that that that was helpful. And then from there that's what kind of began my parent ministry is hey, let me figure out ways that I can be an asset to these parents and help them grow. and so but but Brandon, I I Would you agree that a lot of student pastors would say parents are difficult or parents or even the problem sometimes? Yes. I I think a lot of a lot of student pastors view parents as the enemy, right? Like they look at them as the people who are hating on them and stopping them from getting their job done. and the reality is we should view parents as a partner, as an ally. For sure. Because I I think you said this too, is that We have to understand that just because we have the word student pastor in our name, we think that students is all that we pour into. But in reality, parents are probably just as important in our ministry as the students. And so the the biggest mistake we make is looking at parents as the opposition as instead of a partner. and I think the big part of that is because the moment you realize that parents have your students a lot more than you do. Then you realize, maybe I should be equipping them to continue the growth of what I'm doing. And so yeah, your parents are not your enemy. They have to be your partner. For sure. And and I'll echo kind of what you're saying. I I I forgot where I read it. I I I used it in one of my talks I did at Conclave this last year. but but the I forgot what book it was, but it talked about the with your student ministry time, you should be doing ministry in thirds. You should do third of your time should be with students, a third of your time should be focused on parents, and a third of your time should be focused on volunteers. And when I first read that, I'm like, bro, I'm doing ninety-five with students, like thinking about students. How can I write sermons for students? How can I plan events for students? I mean, everything I did was students. And then like, yeah, I gotta have a meeting with the parents, you know, once in a while and I have to have a meeting with my volunteers once in a while. And so when I read that, I was like, okay, that's probably not super realistic, but that I need to get closer to that thing ministry in thirds. And so If you're a student pastor watching this and you're like me, like I was a few years ago, man, ninety-five percent of my time just thinking about how can I reach the the the students, like you're talking about, our job is so much more than just students. It is equipping the families to be able to help disciple their own kids. Deuteronomy six. Everybody in discipleship ministry probably quotes that, but but the parents job is to be the primary discipler and we're to come alongside and equip them. Now now are there families where students don't have parents pointing in them? Yes, and we can be a good Help for that, but our job should be building tools and helping the parents be able to be that primary discipler. Yeah, for sure. I I my encouragement to all the youth pastors out there is to spend time learning and finding resources to help with that. I I think you don't have to build it from scratch, is probably the biggest thing is intimidating. When you're young, you're like, where do I even start? I'm 19 years old, like you said in the story. We got this thing started off. We we don't know the first thing about parents. We ain't had our first kid yet, you know? Now I've got, you know, kids in the third grade and kids in in in kindergarten. And so I understand a little bit. But like even then, I don't have a teenager yet. And so I'm still learning, but I've been in the game long enough to know about teenagers and I've been around enough parents to know. But like when you're younger, you have no idea. But guess what? We have the internet. We have something that a lot of our parents didn't have growing up. Is that we have resources and and availability to look at other people, call other people, find resources, find books, get on YouTube, man, and just learn how to like how to pour into your parents, man. There's endless amounts of resources you can send your parents to help them with different phases. You get they got kids who are struggling with depression, anxiety. You got kids who are struggling with, you know, you know, their identity and and and their gender, all those different things. You don't have to build these things by yourself. There's books and resources and podcasts and everything else you can use to communicate with your parents to help them. And so you ain't gotta be, you don't have to be the person that's think you gotta build everything from scratch. Maybe you just being a a resource distributor is the best way to help equip your parents in those specific things. So what are what are some resources you use for parents? I have some that I can share, but like what are some resources that you use maybe consistently in your ministry? there's a few different ones. I mean, I think about certain different, you know, books and stuff. Like one thing that we dealt with a lot in our youth group the last couple of years is we had a group of students that were really struggling with depression anxiety, right? And so learning or you know, those different resources for that. And I've I came across a book called The Anxious Generation. a great book that you can you can give to your parents. That will help them understand, you know, why our kids are anxious and how cell phones and social media and everything else plays a part into that. And so a lot of times I will listen, I listen to the podcast a lot. And I I think this is a big thing to help too, is if student pastors, you have to be willing to learn. That's gotta be a big thing too. Like, are you curious in what you're doing? Like you have to be a student of the game. You hear us say this a lot. Are you a student of the game to where you want to learn and be curious about your students and what makes them tick and your parents? And so as I come across stuff that I'm listening to, I was driving back from a lunch meeting heading to this podcast. I mean, and I'll listen to a podcast. And so I'm constantly listening to resources and different things, and I'll take notes and write them down. When I I'm always on Amazon, I have an Amazon cart or list of just when people are saying things in a podcast, I'm typing in Amazon and try find it for for later. So Are you are you finding things that you are putting in your memory bank in your bank? Because maybe you don't want to overload your parents with 35,000 resources. But do you know your kids enough to know, hey, my kids are struggling with this right now? So I got this resource I need to give to my parents. So two resources that I'll plug really quickly is I use CPYU, center of parent and youth understanding. so CPYU for anybody that's listening. And so that is by Walt Mueller. and he has great just articles on there, culture update stuff on there. That's really good. But I also subscribe, it's like sixty dollars a year, and I subscribe to his newsletter. So it's a monthly newsletter that I print, copies, physical copies from my parents. I have it in our information center over in the youth building, but then also I have a digital link that I put on my email that I send out. And so that's one resource that's really helpful. But the articles are really good as well of kind of staying up to date in their culture, what's going on. But then also Axis, A X I S. Access is unbelievable for for any parent that's listening or even to student pastor to share that with families. I mean, there's all kinds of like conversation guides that they have. Like I know some of them are like masturbation was one. Like I had a parent that text me was like, Hey, how do I talk to my kid about masturbation? I'm like, great question. Got you. Let me send you this resource. So that that one's really good. There was one that's a six step sex talk. And so it's like six conversations you have with your student before you you know, while you're trying to give them a sex talk. And those are like two big conversations that parents are just like, I have zero clue how to do this. How do I do this biblically? How do I do this in a way that honors Jesus? And so those are just two easy ones that are good on there, but there's all kinds of other ones. So C P Y U. And access are both great. If you don't already use those, use those and then help give those to your your parents. But but two things I wanted to add to it because I remember feeling this way when I was young, trying to have parent meetings, trying to do stuff. I would say two of the most important things is one, you need to be authentic. You need to be able to say say what you don't know and try to stick in the lane where you can be helpful. So when I was early on, I wasn't like I was saying earlier, I wasn't trying to tell parents how they should parent. I was saying here's something that I do know a little bit about that maybe. you don't and let me help you again bridge that gap. So find ways that you can help bridge the gap for them. Be authentic and be humble to say, hey, I ain't trying to tell y'all how to parent. Here's just stuff that's resources I want to help you with. That'll go a long way. But two, and I think this is one the most important, you have to be a professional student pastor. Yes. I I can't tell you, and this is probably just how I'm wired. It it irks me when a student pastor is Not that dress ends everything, but but have you dress sloppy, you're late to things, you say that you're gonna start something, but you don't start for 30 minutes, you don't you don't do what you say you're gonna do, well then those parents aren't gonna come to a parent meeting and listen to what you have to say. And they're gonna take you seriously. That's good. No. And so you have to be a professional student pastor and you have to because if you want people to take you seriously, you take your job seriously. Yeah. So that's how I look at it. And so that's why I feel like if we do have a parent meeting, parents are a little more inclined to listen to what I may have to say. Because they know that I'm doing the work, I'm studying what it is that I'm talking about. I'm not just winging it, making stuff up. And so I think that's a huge thing that most student pastors usually learn year 10 or so in, unfortunately. But man, you gotta be professional so that your st your families want to listen to you. That's that's a great point, man. I think piggybacking off of that, like even not just with the meetings and everything, but how you carry yourself around their students, like how you handle issues, like how you deal with all of these things. They like you are showing these parents long before they start listening to you that you are legit. You know what I mean? And so yeah, I love the meetings and starting early and all of those things are great. But yeah, like every day. How you carry yourself at ball games, at at church on Sundays, like in in in the community, yeah, you your your age when you're young is against you. Like that that is nothing you can do about that. But how you carry yourself will speak louder than your age ever will. And so yeah, that I mean that's a great word, man. How you carry yourself will give you a lot of clout with these parents. Well, and just our our last episode was on volunteers, but for me, almost all of my volunteers are parents in the ministry. And so I want those because that I mean, I know a lot of people use college-age kids and they're great, you know, they're relational, but like I want those parents in here. And so when I'm looking for volunteers, I'll pull up my my list of my students and I'll start going through parents. Who can I bring in? Who's already parenting well that I can bring into our ministry? And so like we said at the top end of this, parents aren't the problem. You know, it's it's it's they're not an issue that you have to deal with. We hear guys say all the time, student ministry be fun if you didn't have to deal with the parents. Well I I I I'm kind of probably on the back end of my student ministry career, but it's the parents are really fun for me now to be able to work with and to to to to to because they're the the advocates and especially as a middle school pastor. I won't have students if I don't have parents on board. I need the parents to be on board to want to be a po have their student here. And so don't look at them as enemies. They're not. they're really a great resource that you can plug into. And I'll I'll we'll I know we kind of close this thing out pretty soon, but I'll go one step further and say they're your greatest protectors as well. I I know for sure. Yeah. Man, as my parents, I built relationships with them when someone is trying to Attack me or say something bad about me, those parents are the way main ones who step up and protect you. And so they can be your greatest allies or they could be your greatest enemies, but it won't be because they just want to see you fail. You're dealing with their kids. They want to see you succeed. Now, are you gonna have some that's gonna be upset because you don't let little Johnny, you know, seed ling, seed seeing lead every week for youth worship? Maybe. But like for the most part, your parents want you to succeed. Because you're pouring their baby, man. And so if if they're against you, I would say most of the time check yourself and see like why do they have a foot to stand on? Am I doing something that's causing them to be frustrated? Listen, be humble. Don't think you got it all figured out. Know what you don't know and do everything you can to like pour into these people who who are trusting you with their kids. Because we understand as seasoned youth pastors, our jobs become a lot easier when the parents are pouring to their kids at home. when they cause they will send a a product to you, a kid to you who is well mannered, who is trained, who knows how to respect authority. And it makes your youth group much better if you're pouring into them. Absolutely. So I think that was a great word. Let's go ahead and wrap it up. And so our next episode we're gonna be talking about that Wednesday night isn't the win. So we're gonna talk through what did we actually measure? What are good things to measure? How do we know if our student ministry is being effective? Not just the number of kids in the room, but what can we actually do to make sure that we're making disciples? So we'll catch you on the next episode. Thank you all for listening. What