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Building Self-Trust · Trauma Free Relationship

0:00
Welcome back to Trauma Free Relationship podcast.
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I am so glad that you are joining us today.
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This this episode I think is really important because it goes
0:13
to the heart of what I think trauma can take from us at
0:17
times. And of course, we're talking
0:19
today about self trust. And when we think about self
0:24
trust, one of the ways that we can conceptualize it is through
0:29
attachment styles. So insecure attachment styles,
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whether it's avoidant, anxious, or even disorganized, are a way
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to think about a lack of self trust.
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Whereas secure attachment is a sense of self trust, trust in
0:48
yourself. And I think one of the
0:50
advantages of secure attachment, it is that they do trust
0:54
themselves. They trust their needs, their
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wants, their wishes, their desires in their relationships.
1:00
And this gives them advantage because it allows them then to
1:04
be able to communicate and assert those needs when they
1:09
need to. Whereas those that tend to be in
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a more insecure style, they tend to lack some of that self trust.
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Not always, but by and large, this is what I've seen across
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those that I've worked with that have struggled with past
1:28
relational or attachment trauma. So by the end of this episode,
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you're going to understand how trauma disrupts self trust.
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You're going to understand the signs of a lack of self trust
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and what it looks like in your relationship.
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And we're going to talk about what are some safe tips that you
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can begin to rebuild trust in yourself.
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Welcome to trauma free relationship.
1:53
I'm your host, Tom Philp, and I've been working for years with
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adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
2:00
trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
2:04
safe and secure relationship. Let's get started.
2:14
OK, As I mentioned at the introduction, we're going to
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talk about self trust today. And often times self trust or a
2:24
lack of self trust is created in our environment.
2:30
And so relational trauma often comes from repeated experiences
2:35
of betrayal, neglect, rejection, or emotional unavailability.
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And so when we grow up in a environment like that, or maybe
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we had a first marriage like that, or maybe our first love in
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high school was was unhealthy in that sense, then often times, as
2:56
as always happens, we tend to adapt to that because we are
3:00
nothing as human beings if not adaptable.
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It is amazing what we can actually adapt to and still
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survive. But it, it has a toll on us and
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it takes a toll and, and there's ramifications and consequences
3:15
of our adaptations. And sometimes that means that it
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takes away parts of ourselves or aspects of ourselves and hides
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them in dark corners of, of our own psyche, if you will.
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And so we have to then go in and figure out how do I recover that
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and integrate that back into the part of who I am.
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And survivors, when they learn to adapt to betrayal, neglect,
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rejection, or emotional unavailability, then what
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happens is they often learn to override their own instincts.
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They ignore their gut feelings. They silence their needs.
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They doubt their own perceptions of the relationship and
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certainly they can they can have lack of trust in others as well,
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right? We don't trust others intentions
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or motives. We're not sure why they're being
4:10
nice to us. Or there was a pattern that
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built up in the relationship for years when we were first
4:16
married. And my memory understands that
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pattern very well. And so now when my partner has
4:24
changed and I can see my partner trying, I only come back up with
4:29
those old memories. And it's hard for me to trust my
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partner because I remember what they used to be like and I
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remember how they used to treat me, even though I can see now
4:40
that they're trying something different.
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And so they they tend to override their instincts.
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If you think about it, we don't come out of the womb not knowing
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what we need or how to get it. Babies instinctively know what
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they need and how to get it. When they're wet, they cry.
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When they're hungry, they cry, cry.
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When they when they need nurturance and care and and and
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holding and comfort, they cry. They know how to speak up.
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They do it in the end with the only tools they have available
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at at that developmental stage, but they they don't hold it in.
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They don't think to themselves, Oh, my caretaker's busy right
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now. I'll just wait until they're
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more available. Of course not.
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Of course not. They scream out, they throw a
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fit. Toddlers throw a fit on the
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floor because they're learning how to get their needs met, but
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they're also learning the the higher social skills as well,
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like how to share, how to be benevolent, how to wait and
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soothe themselves until their caretaker can be available at
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times for them. Because not everybody in our
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adult life is always going to be available and responsive exactly
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when we need them to. So these kinds of things are all
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impacted when we override our instinct and we ignore our gut
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feelings and we as silence our needs and we doubt our own
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perceptions. And when that happens, we, we
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then have a lack of trust in our own needs, in our own wants, in
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our own desires, in our own feelings.
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Now, one of the things I want to talk about here, and this is
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just a moment, sidebar if you will, but I, I added this in
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because I think this is so important.
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I want to talk about the difference between self trust
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and self esteem because they are, there are there are some
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differences, they're not the same.
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When I talk about self trust, I'm not just talking about how
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you feel about yourself. When I'm talking about self
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trust, I'm talking about the belief that you can rely on
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yourself. You can rely on your judgement.
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You can rely on your feelings. You can rely on your decisions
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and your own ability to handle life's challenges or your own
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relationship challenges. And so this is more about
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consistency, reliability and an inner sense of safety.
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I, I have some sense of my own wants and needs and I trust that
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and I know how to communicate that and I feel consistent and
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reliability in those those wants and needs.
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So, you know, you can ask yourself some of these kinds of
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questions. Can I count on myself to listen
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to my needs? Do I follow through on what I
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say I'll do for myself? And do I honor my intuition and
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my boundaries and, and can I communicate these to my partner?
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When I do have a gut feeling about something, can I trust it?
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Because often times trauma survivors lack that inner sense
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of safety and trust at times for, for their own needs and
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their own judgment and their own feelings.
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So that is that is more aligned with self trust.
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But that's different than self esteem.
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Self esteem is sort of the way you value yourself and the way
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you believe in your worthiness. So it's more about positive or
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negatively view yourself, right. So self esteem is more about,
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oh, someone gave me a compliment today and I know they were only
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saying that I don't believe a word of it for a moment.
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And so that's more about self esteem, right?
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Where we tend to view ourselves more negatively, we tend to have
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difficulty taking a compliment or we begin to question why they
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complimented us in the 1st place, whether it's our our
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partner or our wife or husband or whether it's a Co worker.
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We just blow those things off because they couldn't possibly
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mean that if they really knew the true us.
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And so the focus with self esteem is really more on
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self-image and worth and confidence.
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So, you know, asking yourself these questions, am I good
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enough? Do I deserve respect, love and
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success? How do I see myself compared to
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others that's more about self esteem.
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And so those are different. And I just want to sort of
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outline the difference between those because I think sometimes
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when we talk about self trust, we tend to think about like self
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esteem or how I feel about myself.
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Or sometimes we conflate self esteem with self trust and
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think, Oh yes, I know what I need, but my needs are bad.
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They're wrong. And certainly that these aren't
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diametrically opposed from each other.
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Self esteem and self trust aren't polar opposites there.
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There is some overlap between the two, right?
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And if you remember studying geometry and in high school at
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all, remember those old Venn diagrams, those two circles, and
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you had to find what what part of it was overlapped and that
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sort of thing. There is some overlap between
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these two. I don't want to suggest that
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they're completely separate concepts, but they are separate
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enough that that I don't want you to think today when I'm
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talking about self trust, I'm really just talking about your,
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how you view yourself, yourself image or how you compare to some
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others because there's some differences there that I, I just
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think are important. OK, I don't want to belabor that
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point anymore. So let's talk about, let's talk
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about self trust. And as I mentioned, how that is
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sort of created and one of the things ways it is created is
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because we are not in an environment that tends to
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validate our needs, that tends to validate our experience of
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what's happening and the relationship.
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You know, this can be parents, this can be siblings, this can
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be, you know, this, this can be an, an adult relationship.
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Maybe you got married young and your partner was constantly
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invalidating your own experience of things.
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One of the popular phrases we use today is gaslighting.
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You know, my partner gaslights me.
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And the idea behind that is that that when I feel like I know a
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truth about our relationship, they try to turn that around in
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such a way that I doubt my own experience.
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I doubt the truth of what my senses are telling me.
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And so that can, that can create a lot of confusion inside of us.
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And it can, it can begin to question our sense of self worth
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and, and certainly our sense of self trust if we stay in that
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environment long enough. I have certainly seen the
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extreme versions of this when I'm dealing with couples where
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one partner could be classically defined as a narcissist or as
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borderline. And often I see the impact that
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has to the other partner where they where they really begin to
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doubt themselves and doubt their experience of what's happening
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in the relationship because they are constantly being told that's
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not true, that's not right, you have that wrong, you're crazy or
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whatever, whatever that partner might be doing to try to
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convince them otherwise. And so, you know, when, when we
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had that lack of self trust, man, it is really hard to be
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able to honor our own truth, honor our own experience.
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And part of I think internal safety and rebuilding safety is
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rebuilding the, the trust and the consistency and reliability
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of our own experience. I know what I'm seeing here.
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I, I know what, what's happening here.
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And regardless of the other purposes, motives, I know how
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this impacts me and I don't like it.
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And I can stand firm in that experience.
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Not that I'm finger pointing or blaming or that this is just a
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matter of projection or I'm just trying to get my partner to
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change, but rather this doesn't work for me and I trust this
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experience of myself. You know, sometimes when people
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get together early in the relationship, they'll have some
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yellow or red flags that pop up with a partner.
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And often times, you know what? I'm seeing a couple and they've
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been married 5-10 years. I'll hear them say I should have
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trusted my instincts. I should have, I saw some signs
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of this and I should have paid more attention to this when it
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happened and and I blew it off. I justified it.
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I ignored it, I downplayed it, whatever to maintain that
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connection because there was lots of good things about the
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relationship too that I loved. But this is one of those things
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that I should have paid attention to when that red flag
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came up. And so I really feel like when
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we talk about regaining self trust, what we're really talking
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about is how do we build an internal sense of of safety and
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consistency in our own experience.
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So part of that starts with how do we begin to trust our own
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body? And so self trust begins with
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listening to the body and part of of of traumas, tyranny, if
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you will, over our our internal insides.
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I, I've said that very poorly, I apologize, but in internal life
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is that it disconnects us from the physical cues that often
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give us an idea of what's happening.
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So when we're hungry, we don't doubt our own hunger unless for
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some reason we have an eating disorder, right?
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Then when we have hunger cues that actually might not come as
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a cue for us to feed ourselves. We need sustenance to keep going
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as fuel, but rather, oh, I'm on the right track to losing
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weight. Or we we see that as a cue that
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that should be the opposite of what it is.
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Or when we're so tired we can't even think clearly, instead of
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going and making ourselves rest and and rejuvenate ourselves,
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somehow we try to power through and then we end up making
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mistakes or, or ignoring our own danger signals, right?
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I feel, I feel like this person is not safe for me.
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And I, I can't even put my finger on it, but I'm just
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getting that signal that when I'm with this person, I don't
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often feel safe. And so it's really important
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that we begin to reconnect to our bodies because our bodies
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are constantly sending us cues. There's a book that was written
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by Bessel van der Kolk. You probably have heard it.
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It's called The Body Keeps the Score.
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And it's one of these Seminole books in in trauma.
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And it talks about all kinds of trauma.
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It talks about trauma, you know, big T trauma, like a war trauma
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or car accident kind of trauma. But it also certainly talks
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about small T trauma like relational trauma, which is the
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most common type of trauma, relational or attachment trauma.
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And so that book is is called the Body Keeps the Score for a
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reason. Because what he learned through
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his decades of study is that your body holds the trauma.
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It is not, it is not a left brain verbal consequence.
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It is a deeply ingrained right brained and body consequence of
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what happened to you. Being able to engage in your
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body, being able to understand the cues that your body is
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telling you is absolutely vital for your post traumatic growth
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recovery. And so you know, if we just do
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an experiment here for just a moment, you know, try just place
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your hand on your chest or your stomach and and ask yourself,
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what do I feel right now? What do I feel right now?
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Maybe I feel kind of sad hearing Tom talk about this.
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Maybe I feel slightly annoyed, you know, maybe I'm resisting
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some of what I'm hearing. Or maybe it just isn't hitting
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me and it's not really relevant to my situation today.
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And I don't, I don't feel anything right now.
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I feel OK. All those experiences you might
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be having to listen to this podcast are OK.
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Every single one of them. But what's most important is
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that you put your hand on your chest, you're able to just pick
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up some of those signals that your body is telling you.
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And So what we're trying to do is we're trying to reconnect
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those bodily sensations in order to help you rebuild trust.
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Because when your body is tired and you let yourself rest,
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you're providing for yourself that what your body needs.
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And, and when you're hungry and you go and you eat something
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relatively healthy for you so that you get the nutrients you
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need, you are tapping into what you need and what your body
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needs. And when you pick up on those
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danger cues and danger signals and you pay attention to them,
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you are honoring your own body. And what is it is telling you?
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So one of the things I think we can do as, as we've kind of now
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outlined what it means to to not have self trust, what that looks
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like in our relationships and how it shows up in our own lives
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and our own bodies. Let's talk about now, how do we,
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how do we work with rebuilding that?
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Well, at first of all, it it's about micro commitments.
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It's not about big leaps. You're not going to, you're not
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going to go and wake up tomorrow morning and just turn on a
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switch and oh, now I can trust myself.
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Now I trust my own instincts. I trust my own experience of
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myself in relationships and so on and so forth.
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But what you can do is you can find those little micro
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commitments, those micro moments that slowly start to begin to
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trust yourself. And so, you know, you wake up
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tomorrow morning and, and you, you have a list of things that
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you are going to do that are going to make you feel good.
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And maybe that starts with getting up, taking a shower,
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making your bed. Normally maybe you don't make
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your bed, but tomorrow you're going to do that because that's
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just a little thing that helps you feel a little bit better and
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starts it sets the tone for the day.
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Then you're going to eat a, a, a, a decent breakfast.
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You know, something, something with the right minerals that you
20:35
need in it. Normally you may just skip
20:37
breakfast. Maybe you just go and get your
20:38
latte and go on into work. And this has been OK.
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But tomorrow you're going to try to change that habit a little
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bit. And then you're going to go into
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work and you're going to start trusting your experience of what
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you see and you're going to speak up maybe a little bit more
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when you notice something's wrong.
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And you might actually give some feedback to somebody that you've
21:00
been not saying anything to. Or you might actually go ahead
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and pitch that idea that you've been holding on to.
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Because by golly, you really do feel like this is worthy of of
21:13
them knowing about it. What it whatever that is,
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whatever your day looks like. Then when you come home in the
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evening, you're going to, you're going to let yourself relax a
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little bit and you're not going to, you're not going to be on
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constant watch and, and, and constant motion to take care of
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everybody else. It might be that you come home
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tonight and you actually asked your partner, would you mind
21:36
cooking dinner? I am just exhausted tonight.
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It would really, I would really appreciate it if you would mind
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cooking dinner tonight or you know, what would you help me
21:44
with bad time with the kids. Normally your partner, you know,
21:48
goes downstairs and gets on the computer or gets on their phone
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or whatever. I really would.
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You might help me with bad time. I just feel really tired
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tonight. I could really use your help.
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These are just small little micro moments where you can
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begin to show up for yourself. And every time you follow
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through with one of these instincts, every time you follow
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through with what your guts telling you, then you're sending
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a message to yourself that says, I can rely on me, I can rely on
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me, I can show up for myself. And that's so vital.
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It's so important because it starts to build self trust.
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And so these micro moments allow you to sort of keep 1 little
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promise to yourself a day. And that's really important.
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I think another thing that you can practice is how you can sort
22:43
of start getting in touch with your own tuition.
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Part of that is what we just kind of walked through if if
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your day looks at all like that, but also with some reflective
22:52
practice as well. So maybe you write down a
22:55
decision you made recently and ask yourself, what did my gut
23:00
say at the time? Did I, did I ignore my gut?
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Did I follow my gut? And you can, you could explore
23:08
that. And over time, if at the end of
23:11
each day you sit down and say, what decision did I make today?
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Were there ever times where I was able to reach out and ask
23:19
for help? Was there times where I was able
23:21
to step up? Was there a time where I was
23:23
able to notice and stand firm in my own experience of what was
23:27
happening? Was there a time I was able to
23:29
show up for somebody else even though I didn't want to,
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Whatever these might look like? Was there a time where I was
23:36
able to speak up and say something where normally I would
23:39
shut down? Was there a time where I was
23:41
able to sort of dial back the intensity of what I was saying
23:44
so that my message could actually be more heard?
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Whatever, whatever it is, if you jot these things down, then what
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happens is at the end of a week or two week period, you can sort
23:57
of look at how you shown up for yourself.
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And you can chart over time how you're able to begin to really
24:06
comfort yourself and be able to soothe yourself and, and create
24:12
more self trust so that you can honor your own experience of
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yourself and your relationships and your world.
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And when you rebuild that self trust, then what you're doing is
24:24
you're reprogramming the impact of trauma on on your inner life
24:30
and your inner world. And that can make all the world
24:33
of a difference. All right, thank you so much for
24:36
listening. I really appreciate you tuning
24:39
in each and every week. My name is Tom Phillip and I am
24:43
here to remind you to stay grounded, clear and connected.