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354. Dealing With Resentment Part 1 · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of Today.
0:13
Speaker 1: So this episode is all about resentment. I'm going to
0:18
Speaker 1: be talking about two things. When we talk about resentment,
0:20
Speaker 1: we're talking about dealing with resenting someone over something. I'm
0:26
Speaker 1: going to talk about exactly what resentment is and how
0:29
Speaker 1: it's different to just anger or just being annoyed. So
0:32
Speaker 1: we're going to be discussing how to deal with when
0:35
Speaker 1: you resent someone and how to let go of that
0:38
Speaker 1: and feel a little bit more empowered in that situation
0:40
Speaker 1: because it's a very disempowering position to be in. And
0:43
Speaker 1: also how to navigate a situation where someone resents you
0:48
Speaker 1: and what are the best things you can do when
0:50
Speaker 1: that is happening. Because I know that you can't change
0:54
Speaker 1: how other people, how other people perceive things. You ultimately
0:57
Speaker 1: can't change somebody, but there are certain things you can
0:59
Speaker 1: do to try and repair a situation when someone is
1:04
Speaker 1: resenting you. And like in most of my episodes, when
1:08
Speaker 1: you're listening to this episode, yes, I want you to
1:11
Speaker 1: listen to this from your perspective, like I resent somebody
1:14
Speaker 1: because of what they've done and now I've got to
1:15
Speaker 1: learn to repair. But also ask yourself, is there ever
1:18
Speaker 1: a situation in my life where someone is resenting me
1:21
Speaker 1: and I haven't taken accountability and I haven't done anything
1:24
Speaker 1: about it. Okay, So that's what we're going to be
1:26
Speaker 1: talking about today. We are also going to be doing
1:29
Speaker 1: a brain fact, which I'll get straight into very very
1:32
Speaker 1: very soon, and that brain fact is going to be
1:34
Speaker 1: on chronic fatigue syndrome. I've had a few requests for
1:39
Speaker 1: this one. Some of my bans listening playing at home
1:43
Speaker 1: have chronic fatigue syndrome, so they said, could you please
1:46
Speaker 1: cover this topic now. If you happen to hear any
1:50
Speaker 1: winging or whining throughout this episode, it's because I've brought
1:53
Speaker 1: my dog, Habib into the studio and he's a bit
1:57
Speaker 1: curious and active around the studio. He was sitting next
1:59
Speaker 1: to me on couch, very cute, and then just before
2:02
Speaker 1: we started recording, he leapt up, but I'm sure he'll
2:04
Speaker 1: make his triumphant return back to the couch. So if
2:07
Speaker 1: you hear that or grunting. He's a very vocal dog
2:10
Speaker 1: and he's also quite heavy. He's like forty kilos vocal,
2:13
Speaker 1: loves to winge over nothing, so that is what that
2:17
Speaker 1: sound would be if you hear it and his name
2:19
Speaker 1: is hbib In case you don't know to the topic
2:38
Speaker 1: of today, I did want to speak about my audio
2:41
Speaker 1: book which is coming out very soon. It is called
2:43
Speaker 1: How to Chase Change Thirty Days to Master Your mindset.
2:47
Speaker 1: This audiobook is I'm so excited for you guys to
2:51
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2:54
Speaker 1: You listen to roughly ten minutes a day for thirty days,
2:57
Speaker 1: and after every single session module you get either a
3:02
Speaker 1: piece of homework and exercise to do or further resources
3:05
Speaker 1: for you to further your knowledge in that topic. But
3:08
Speaker 1: there is something, a task or a resource every single
3:11
Speaker 1: day for those thirty days you can be doing it.
3:14
Speaker 1: It can take you longer than the thirty days, but
3:16
Speaker 1: it is designed for by the end of that thirty
3:20
Speaker 1: day period, your life is absolutely transformed. You've got a
3:23
Speaker 1: much better understanding of who you are and what you want.
3:26
Speaker 1: If you want to pre order the book, just check
3:29
Speaker 1: the link in the bio and you can click on
3:31
Speaker 1: that link and pre order the book. It comes out
3:34
Speaker 1: September tenth, so get your pre orders in. I'm so
3:38
Speaker 1: excited and I can't wait to hear from you guys,
3:40
Speaker 1: and hear what you think about the book. Okay, let's
3:45
Speaker 1: get straight into the brain factor to do. The brain
3:47
Speaker 1: fact is chronic fatigue syndrome and dealing with general fatigue. Okay,
3:54
Speaker 1: So chronic fatigue syndrome is also known as myalgic and
3:59
Speaker 1: cephalow mylitis. Say that ten times in a row when
4:03
Speaker 1: you're drunk, okay. So basically it's an illness which is
4:08
Speaker 1: defined by a combination of symptoms, and it is something
4:12
Speaker 1: that you need to get diagnosed with. You can't just
4:14
Speaker 1: self diagnose it. You need someone to kind of let
4:17
Speaker 1: you know what's going on. So the first thing is
4:19
Speaker 1: profound fatigue where you are feeling tired or fatigued. Then
4:23
Speaker 1: along with that is impaired memory and concentration, muscle and
4:29
Speaker 1: joint pain, headaches, and then something called post exertional malaise,
4:35
Speaker 1: which is basically a worsening of those symptoms after exertion
4:40
Speaker 1: and relatively minimal exertion. So you'll do something that normally
4:44
Speaker 1: wouldn't require that much effort, that normally wouldn't tie you out,
4:48
Speaker 1: and then you feel a worsening of the above symptoms
4:51
Speaker 1: that I just mentioned, Like you'd be even more tied.
4:53
Speaker 1: You'll feel really sore, you'll get more of a headache,
4:55
Speaker 1: you'll your memory and concentration is just shot to pieces.
4:59
Speaker 1: So it's obviously very debilitating this chronic fatigue syndrome, and
5:04
Speaker 1: this post exertional malase is also common in something called
5:07
Speaker 1: fibromyalgia as well. Now there is a difference that doctors
5:12
Speaker 1: or scientists are able to see in the central nervous
5:14
Speaker 1: system of patients that suffer from this chronic fatigue syndrome,
5:18
Speaker 1: and it's got to do with the spinal fluids. So
5:21
Speaker 1: when they analyze the cerebral spinal fluid of patients with
5:26
Speaker 1: chronic fatigue syndrome versus control groups, they found low levels
5:29
Speaker 1: of something called catecholamines and other molecules which are responsible
5:34
Speaker 1: for regulating the nervous system. So catecholamines are any class
5:38
Speaker 1: of aromatic amines. So it just includes certain neurotransmitters such
5:45
Speaker 1: as adrenaline, neu adrenaline, serotonin, histamine, dopamine, things like that.
5:49
Speaker 1: They act as both neurotransmitters and hormones and they're really
5:53
Speaker 1: important in maintaining homeostasis within the body via the autonomic
5:58
Speaker 1: nervous system. So they are real, least during physical stress.
6:02
Speaker 1: So if you're seeing that these levels of catechola mines
6:05
Speaker 1: are reduced, then you see this association with poor motor performance,
6:11
Speaker 1: reduced performance in effort related behaviors, and also reduced cognitive performance.
6:17
Speaker 1: So here we see this link and why exactly it happens.
6:22
Speaker 1: It's still not really understood why it happens to some
6:24
Speaker 1: people and why it doesn't. But we see this link
6:26
Speaker 1: between the cerebral spinal fluid imbalances and the chemicals in
6:30
Speaker 1: the brain in people with chronic fatigue syndrome versus those without,
6:35
Speaker 1: versus the control groups. Now, it does affect the individual
6:40
Speaker 1: in various ways, which leads to a whole bunch of
6:43
Speaker 1: different cognitive and neurological symptoms.
6:46
Speaker 2: I just want to go.
6:47
Speaker 1: Through all the different things that are happening within the
6:49
Speaker 1: brain when someone has chronic fatigue syndrome so you can
6:52
Speaker 1: better understand it if someone you know or if you
6:54
Speaker 1: yourself has it. So the first thing is what I
6:57
Speaker 1: mentioned earlier, cognitive dysfunction. So it's something called brain fog,
7:02
Speaker 1: which I'd need to do a whole episode on brain fog.
7:05
Speaker 1: But many people with this chronic fatigue syndrome experience brain fog,
7:10
Speaker 1: which is characterized by confusion, forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating in general.
7:15
Speaker 1: We also in the band of cognitive dysfunction, we also
7:18
Speaker 1: get memory issues, so that's short term memory problems and
7:21
Speaker 1: it's hard to recall events or information in general, and
7:24
Speaker 1: also reduced processing speed, so they might find that tasks
7:29
Speaker 1: that require quick thinking are more challenging for them. The
7:32
Speaker 1: next thing is neuroinflammation. So we've got these inflammatory markers.
7:37
Speaker 1: So there's research that suggests that neuroinflammation or inflammation in
7:40
Speaker 1: the brain could be playing a role in chronic fatigue syndrome.
7:44
Speaker 1: So we've got elevated levels of something called pro inflammatory
7:49
Speaker 1: cytokines and they've been found in patients with chronic fatigue syndrome.
7:54
Speaker 1: So an inflammatory cytokine is basically a signaling molecule that
7:57
Speaker 1: is released, so it's immune cells such as T cells
8:01
Speaker 1: or macrofages, and this promotes inflammation. So there's this whole
8:05
Speaker 1: thing that goes down with the immune system and inflammation
8:08
Speaker 1: and why that all happens, and I have just discussed
8:10
Speaker 1: that in other brain facts. But basically we are seeing
8:13
Speaker 1: this inflammation and then because of this inflammation, we have
8:17
Speaker 1: this immune system activation, and this response can basically affect
8:22
Speaker 1: the brain, which leads to fatigue, pain, and other cognitive issues.
8:26
Speaker 1: The next thing that we see is autonomic nervous system dysfunction.
8:31
Speaker 1: We're just basically getting a dysregulation of the ANS, which
8:34
Speaker 1: controls involuntary bodily functions. This is really common and chronic
8:38
Speaker 1: fatigue syndrome, so that's what leads to symptoms such as dizziness, lightheadedness,
8:42
Speaker 1: also problems with heart rate and regulating your body temperature.
8:46
Speaker 1: Then the fourth thing is reduced blood flow, so that
8:49
Speaker 1: cerebral blood flow. So studies have found that there's reduced
8:53
Speaker 1: blood flow to certain areas of the brain, which of
8:56
Speaker 1: course then will contribute to cognitive difficulties and fatigue. Sleep disturbances,
9:01
Speaker 1: so we're getting this non restorative sleep, which is a huge, huge,
9:05
Speaker 1: huge problem because sleep is where you have most of
9:08
Speaker 1: your restoration and if you have chronic fatigue syndrome and
9:11
Speaker 1: then you're getting non restorative sleep, then it's just making
9:13
Speaker 1: the problem so much worse. So you could have long
9:17
Speaker 1: periods of sleep, but many people with chronic fatigue will
9:20
Speaker 1: wake up feeling really unrefreshed, and that of course is
9:23
Speaker 1: going to exacerbate cognitive and neurological symptoms. And then you
9:26
Speaker 1: also see sleep disorders such as sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome,
9:30
Speaker 1: and insomnia that's more common with people with chronic fatigue syndrome.
9:35
Speaker 1: Then number six out of eight, there's eight in total.
9:38
Speaker 1: Number six is hyperthylamic petuitary adrenal axis dysfunction. So this
9:44
Speaker 1: HPA axis is something that regulates stress response. I think
9:49
Speaker 1: I need to do a whole brain fact on that,
9:51
Speaker 1: and it seems to be dysfunctional in people with chronic fatigue,
9:55
Speaker 1: so it can lead to abnormal cortisol levels and then
9:58
Speaker 1: contribute to fatigue intolerance and also cognitive impairment. Number seven,
10:03
Speaker 1: we've got neurotransmitter imbalances, so that serotonin and dopamine, which
10:08
Speaker 1: of course then affects mood, motivation, cognitive function. If you've
10:11
Speaker 1: got imbalances in serotonin and dopamine, your willingness to do
10:14
Speaker 1: things might go down, and also your enjoyment of that
10:17
Speaker 1: thing might also go down, which leads to less willingness
10:21
Speaker 1: to do that thing. And then we've also got gabba
10:23
Speaker 1: and glutamate. So if you've got abnormal levels of gabba
10:27
Speaker 1: and glutamate. You're having issues with this excitability, inhibition and
10:31
Speaker 1: ability to relax problems going on within the brain as well.
10:34
Speaker 2: And then lastly, we've got structural.
10:36
Speaker 1: And functional brain changes. So MRI and PET scans, these
10:41
Speaker 1: imaging studies have shown that there's actual structural and functional
10:45
Speaker 1: changes in the brain of people with chronic fatigue syndrome.
10:47
Speaker 1: So these changes include alterations in white matter, reduced graymouta volume,
10:53
Speaker 1: and abnormal brain connectivity patterns. So, just to quickly summarize,
10:57
Speaker 1: white matter in the brain is fat. It is surrounding
11:01
Speaker 1: the axon part of the neuron. The axon is the
11:05
Speaker 1: part of the neuron that sends the message from one
11:07
Speaker 1: neuron to the other neuron. And to make that axon
11:10
Speaker 1: perform at its peak, you have this fat it's called
11:14
Speaker 1: myelination that wraps around the axon. And there's several diseases
11:20
Speaker 1: that actually attack the mylon off the cells, which then
11:23
Speaker 1: causes neurological dysfunction. But basically, when the fat is not
11:27
Speaker 1: there surrounding the axon, imagine it like a hose with
11:30
Speaker 1: all these holes punched in it. There's less pressure by
11:33
Speaker 1: the time you reach the end of the hose, there's
11:34
Speaker 1: only a little bit of water going through versus a
11:37
Speaker 1: properly sealed hose where you're getting a really good conduction
11:40
Speaker 1: from one end to the other. That's kind of what
11:42
Speaker 1: mylon does. That's white matter. So if someone has high
11:45
Speaker 1: levels of white matter, we're seeing highly mylinated axons, we're
11:49
Speaker 1: seeing really good conduction of signals getting sent through. That's
11:52
Speaker 1: white matter. Gray matter is then the rest of the neurons.
11:55
Speaker 1: So if you've got good levels of gray matter as
11:57
Speaker 1: well within the brain, you've got good cognitive rbs. You've
12:00
Speaker 1: got a lot of connections between brain regions. If you've
12:04
Speaker 1: got low levels of gray matter in the brain, you're
12:07
Speaker 1: likely seeing atrophy, which is where the brain is kind
12:09
Speaker 1: of wasting away. Okay, so that's what you see when
12:15
Speaker 1: we talk about structural changes, and then structural also has
12:21
Speaker 1: an implication on functional brain changes as well. You're seeing
12:24
Speaker 1: these cognitive networks that get disrupted, which are responsible for attention,
12:28
Speaker 1: executive function, and working memory as well. Now we can
12:32
Speaker 1: understand why someone with chronic fatigue syndrome is not just tired,
12:37
Speaker 1: it's not burnt out. It's not I'm stressed and I
12:40
Speaker 1: just need to sleep. We're talking about a chronic ongoing
12:44
Speaker 1: problem here. So the question is does it go away
12:48
Speaker 1: on its own? Key thing being on its own? No,
12:53
Speaker 1: it does not typically go away on its own. So this,
12:57
Speaker 1: of course, the illness can vary greatly from individual to individual.
13:01
Speaker 1: Some people can experience periods of improvement or remission, but
13:06
Speaker 1: complete and permanent recovery is very very rare without intervention. Okay,
13:12
Speaker 1: So there's a few important things that you want to consider.
13:15
Speaker 1: The many people experience fluctuating symptoms, so we've got periods
13:21
Speaker 1: of improvement followed by relapses. But it is a long
13:25
Speaker 1: term condition that requires ongoing management. Symptoms can go on
13:29
Speaker 1: for years, and for some people it can go on
13:31
Speaker 1: for decades. So it's important to identify a if you
13:34
Speaker 1: have it, and b what treatment you need because with
13:36
Speaker 1: treatment a lot of things can be done. But to think, oh,
13:39
Speaker 1: this will just go away, I would not recommend you
13:41
Speaker 1: do that because this could be an issue that affects
13:44
Speaker 1: you ongoing. And also if you're not if you don't intervene,
13:48
Speaker 1: it could actually get worse. So there's currently no definitive cure. However,
13:55
Speaker 1: there's a lot of treatments and management strategies that really,
13:58
Speaker 1: really help alleviate the symptoms of your quality of life,
14:01
Speaker 1: and then that can then lead to ultimate remission. Okay,
14:05
Speaker 1: so let's go through a bunch of the treatments and
14:08
Speaker 1: then we're going to get into the episode of today.
14:10
Speaker 1: So the first one is medical management, so you may
14:13
Speaker 1: be prescribed to medication to address things such as your
14:16
Speaker 1: sleep disturbances, your mood disorders, antidepressants, sleep aids, pain relievers.
14:22
Speaker 1: And then the other management is cognitive behavioral therapy, so
14:26
Speaker 1: it helps you manage your symptoms by improving your coping
14:29
Speaker 1: strategies by addressing psychological aspects of chronic fatigue. So if
14:33
Speaker 1: you can have better coping strategies, then it's going to
14:36
Speaker 1: help how your brain processes certain things, and then it's
14:38
Speaker 1: going to help you actually overcome this. The next one
14:42
Speaker 1: is lifestyle modification, so it's pacing an energy management that's
14:46
Speaker 1: learning to balance activity and rest which prevents feeling exacerbated.
14:52
Speaker 1: Graded exercise therapy that's called GET, so it's a gradual
14:56
Speaker 1: and careful monitoring a physical activity which can help improve
15:01
Speaker 1: your stamina and reduce fatigue. And then of course sleep
15:04
Speaker 1: hygien which I talk about a lot, so it's improving
15:06
Speaker 1: your sleep patterns, your sleep schedule, your sleep environment techniques
15:10
Speaker 1: around that. I've spoken about that heaps before, and I
15:12
Speaker 1: think I've got a whole podcast on sleep, so go
15:15
Speaker 1: check that episode out.
15:16
Speaker 2: Diet and nutritions.
15:17
Speaker 1: Of course, a well balanced diet, making sure that you're
15:20
Speaker 1: hitting all your nutrients is very very very very very important,
15:23
Speaker 1: especially for your brain health, and also paying attention to
15:27
Speaker 1: how your body responds to caffeine, how your body responds
15:29
Speaker 1: to sugar, you might respond differently to people who do
15:31
Speaker 1: not have chronic fatigue syndrome. And then of course there
15:34
Speaker 1: is alternative therapies. Some people have found that acupuncture is
15:36
Speaker 1: really helpful, that yoga tai chi meditation, a lot of
15:40
Speaker 1: people find that really really helpful, and also massage therapy
15:44
Speaker 1: which helps reduce the muscle pain, and then it improves relaxation,
15:48
Speaker 1: which improves sleep and all of that. So basically, that
15:52
Speaker 1: is chronic fatigue syndrome. If you think you have it,
15:55
Speaker 1: go see your GP and then get referred. I think
15:58
Speaker 1: it's so important to start to manage it properly so
16:03
Speaker 1: you can actually start to feel like you're getting more
16:05
Speaker 1: out of your life. Don't just think it's gonna go away.
16:08
Speaker 1: Do something about it to help manage it.
16:12
Speaker 3: That does the brain fact of today.
16:32
Speaker 1: Now let's get straight into the episode of today, which
16:35
Speaker 1: is all about resentment.
16:39
Speaker 2: Okay, Now.
16:43
Speaker 1: I've written this up as dealing with pent up resentment,
16:45
Speaker 1: but I think it's going to be more than just
16:47
Speaker 1: dealing with pent up resentment. So firstly, what is resentment?
16:52
Speaker 1: I looked it up, googled it as in the definition
16:54
Speaker 1: of it, and it comes up as bitter indignation at
16:58
Speaker 1: having been treated unfairly. But you also want to look
17:02
Speaker 1: at it as re sense. So resentment is a resensing,
17:08
Speaker 1: a revisiting of these feelings that has caused you pain.
17:13
Speaker 1: So it is ruminating, it is holding on, it hangs
17:17
Speaker 1: over your head. It's a replaying of this scenario that
17:19
Speaker 1: has hurt you in the past and it's coming back
17:22
Speaker 1: to hurt you again. Okay. It keeps you in a
17:25
Speaker 1: pattern of re sensing this thing, and of course it
17:30
Speaker 1: affects your mental health and it affects your physical health
17:33
Speaker 1: as well. So studies show that resenting long term has
17:37
Speaker 1: effects on chronic pain, blood pressure, increased stress, depression, other
17:40
Speaker 1: mood disorders. Your cortisol is up, your stress is up,
17:43
Speaker 1: You're chronically stressed. It's not good and it's also really,
17:47
Speaker 1: you know, you've got to think about it. If you're
17:49
Speaker 1: resenting someone for something that they've done, it's a really
17:52
Speaker 1: it's something that we want to be able to address
17:54
Speaker 1: because if this person's fucked up, why am I the
17:57
Speaker 1: one harboring all this pain and discomfort? On what planet?
18:01
Speaker 1: Does that make sense? So now you're suffering twice because
18:03
Speaker 1: of someone else's bullshit. So you suffered the first time
18:06
Speaker 1: when they cooked it and they fucked up, and then
18:09
Speaker 1: you're suffering in your head because of what they did
18:11
Speaker 1: in the past, and you feel like it hasn't been repaired,
18:13
Speaker 1: or you feel like you haven't gotten the right answer
18:15
Speaker 1: or the right apology, and you go round around around,
18:17
Speaker 1: or that they didn't suffer the repercussions. So here you
18:20
Speaker 1: are suffering and resenting.
18:22
Speaker 2: Now I think.
18:22
Speaker 1: It's I want to figure out who said this quote,
18:25
Speaker 1: But basically the quote is resentment is like drinking poison
18:29
Speaker 1: and expecting your enemy to die. So I'm gonna get
18:32
Speaker 1: Shanaia to google who said that? Isn't Nelson Mandela? Great, Okay,
18:36
Speaker 1: so it is Nelson Mandela, And so again the quote
18:40
Speaker 1: is resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your enemies
18:43
Speaker 1: to die. And Mendela said, if you want to make
18:46
Speaker 1: peace with your enemy, you have to be able to
18:48
Speaker 1: work with your enemy. So basically, it's definitely holding you back.
18:52
Speaker 1: It's hurting you, probably definitely more than it's hurting the
18:56
Speaker 1: other person, and it's just festering, like rotting from the core,
19:01
Speaker 1: rotting from the inside out. Now, resentment is actually the
19:03
Speaker 1: cause of most relationship breakdowns. And if you can't identify
19:07
Speaker 1: what is causing it or what you know the root
19:11
Speaker 1: of it, and how to address it from within, from you,
19:14
Speaker 1: not just the other person, but how you're going to
19:16
Speaker 1: address these feelings, then you're going to be harboring it
19:19
Speaker 1: much more than you realize, and then one day you're
19:20
Speaker 1: going to snap and then there's no turning back. And
19:23
Speaker 1: a lot of relationships it's kind of this that go
19:25
Speaker 1: on for years and years and years in and one
19:27
Speaker 1: person clicks it and leaves and they just cannot turn back.
19:31
Speaker 1: They can't turn back they've got so much pent up
19:33
Speaker 1: anger and resentment to the other person. And I'm going
19:36
Speaker 1: to give you a little explanation of often what happens
19:39
Speaker 1: in a relationship. You can also turn this around to
19:42
Speaker 1: have to do with friends and family. It's very common
19:45
Speaker 1: in romantic relationships, but resentment happens in all kinds of relationships. Okay,
19:49
Speaker 1: so definitely don't pigeonhole it just to romantic. But I'll
19:54
Speaker 1: give you an example of something that happens. So a
19:56
Speaker 1: really common and very unhelpful thing to do in a
19:58
Speaker 1: relationship to label someone as a nagger. So you've got
20:03
Speaker 1: one partner that feels unheard and is trying to communicate
20:06
Speaker 1: something to their partner, and the other person is saying, oh,
20:09
Speaker 1: you're always nagging me. You're always nagging me, You're always
20:11
Speaker 1: nagging me. So when someone gets labeled as a nagger,
20:14
Speaker 1: they feel a little bit attacked. They feel like it's embarrassing,
20:18
Speaker 1: it's condescending. Instead of labeling your partner as a nagger,
20:21
Speaker 1: you could be thinking, are we both pulling the weight
20:25
Speaker 1: in this relationship? Is this even? Is my partner carrying
20:29
Speaker 1: the emotional load of this relationship? Are they carrying the
20:32
Speaker 1: mental load of this relationship? Why is it that they're
20:34
Speaker 1: always asking me to do this one thing? Is it
20:36
Speaker 1: so impossible for me to do this one thing? But instead,
20:38
Speaker 1: some people feel and it might be because you've gotten
20:41
Speaker 1: away with it so much in the past, but the
20:44
Speaker 1: calling your partner a nagger is a really good way
20:48
Speaker 1: of emotionally manipulating the situation and making them feel bad
20:51
Speaker 1: for asking for something, and you turn it around to
20:53
Speaker 1: make it look like they're stressing you out for even
20:56
Speaker 1: requesting that thing, and then that person almost always it's
21:00
Speaker 1: their way, because no one wants to be labeled as
21:01
Speaker 1: a nagger. But what happens is that, let's say that
21:05
Speaker 1: in this situation, you're the person that's always been called
21:07
Speaker 1: the nagger. Okay.
21:09
Speaker 2: What happens is that you want to.
21:12
Speaker 1: Feel like you are a team with your partner, but
21:16
Speaker 1: it doesn't feel that way because you ask them to
21:18
Speaker 1: contribute in something, and.
21:19
Speaker 2: Instead of them turning around and contributing.
21:21
Speaker 1: They call you a nagger. And then you get really upset,
21:24
Speaker 1: and then you finally blow up, and then they say, oh,
21:26
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I won't do it again, but
21:29
Speaker 1: then they go and do it again. Okay, so then
21:32
Speaker 1: this sorry it's almost worse than not saying sorry, because
21:37
Speaker 1: when someone says sorry and doesn't back it up with
21:40
Speaker 1: a change of behavior, it not only feels very frustrating,
21:44
Speaker 1: but it also makes their word mean less and less
21:49
Speaker 1: and less and less. To the point than when they
21:52
Speaker 1: say sorry the tenth time, the twentieth time, the fiftieth time,
21:55
Speaker 1: you are ready to rip that person's head off because
21:58
Speaker 1: you're like, you are so com descending. Why are you
22:01
Speaker 1: apologizing if you're just going to do it again? And
22:04
Speaker 1: what does this turn into resentment? Resentment because the person
22:08
Speaker 1: is kind of semigas lighting you by making you feel
22:11
Speaker 1: bad for even asking for something.
22:12
Speaker 2: Then it gets to a point where you accept it
22:13
Speaker 2: because you don't.
22:14
Speaker 1: Want to be the naggar. Then you snap. Then they
22:16
Speaker 1: kind of apologize because they don't know how to deal
22:18
Speaker 1: with your reaction instead of acknowledging your needs. And then
22:22
Speaker 1: they apologize, and then they just keep doing the same thing.
22:24
Speaker 1: That is a very very very common cycle that we
22:27
Speaker 1: see in relationships. And I think so many if you
22:30
Speaker 1: guys can relate to this, because you guys have written
22:33
Speaker 1: to me about this a lot, and I've seen it
22:35
Speaker 1: in other relationships. I've seen it, everyone's seen it. Okay,
22:37
Speaker 1: So this internalized frustration, then this is the next step
22:41
Speaker 1: that happens with a lot of relationship, especially relationships that
22:44
Speaker 1: have gone on for decades. You internalize it ultimately, this
22:48
Speaker 1: frustration of not being heard. Sometimes you might even start
22:52
Speaker 1: to question yourself as to, you know, how should I
22:55
Speaker 1: even be asking for those things? In my being unreasonable?
22:57
Speaker 1: You're questioning the dynamic. I don't feel like they're listening
23:00
Speaker 1: to me. And then each time you need something done,
23:04
Speaker 1: you kind of feel like you you're better off doing
23:07
Speaker 1: it yourself because your partner's just not gonna do it,
23:09
Speaker 1: and it kind of it grinds you down, it a roads,
23:11
Speaker 1: it eroads, it erodes, and then you see this pattern
23:14
Speaker 1: that this person's basically not willing to change for you
23:17
Speaker 1: when you've asked them to change. And then what happens
23:20
Speaker 1: is you ultimately one day snap for good and you leave.
23:25
Speaker 1: Now you see this in couples that have been together
23:27
Speaker 1: for twenty years, thirty years, you just leave. Okay, You're done.
23:31
Speaker 1: I've for years and years and years, I've asked this
23:33
Speaker 1: from you. I've asked you to contribute. I've asked you
23:35
Speaker 1: to come to the table and help me, and you haven't.
23:37
Speaker 1: So I'm done. I'm out. Okay, And funnily enough, the
23:40
Speaker 1: other partner is often left saying and I hate to
23:44
Speaker 1: generalize but it's often the man who ends up saying
23:47
Speaker 1: they're just left out of the blue. I don't know
23:49
Speaker 1: what happened. They one day just got up and left,
23:51
Speaker 1: no explanation. They blindsided me, you know. They tell everyone
23:54
Speaker 1: that there were no warning signs, They have no fucking
23:57
Speaker 1: idea why it is that she left. But what happens
24:01
Speaker 1: is that they just didn't see the value in trying
24:05
Speaker 1: to see their partner's needs as important as their own needs.
24:09
Speaker 1: That's what happened. So they live their whole life where
24:13
Speaker 1: they think that they've got a happy dynamic because it's
24:16
Speaker 1: their way, it's always been their way. And then they
24:20
Speaker 1: think that, oh, I can just label you as a naga.
24:22
Speaker 1: Oh if I apologize, I see that you've accepted the apology. Oh,
24:25
Speaker 1: it's all good, and we can play this on repeat
24:27
Speaker 1: until the end of our relationship. But then what actually
24:29
Speaker 1: happens is that somebody snaps and they're like, oh, what happened?
24:31
Speaker 1: What happened? Fuck? Oh fuck you left on it was nothing?
24:33
Speaker 1: What because I didn't take a rubbish out that day?
24:35
Speaker 2: Oh psychopath?
24:36
Speaker 1: You're a fucking psycho. And then they gas like you okay,
24:39
Speaker 1: So then you end up resenting this person. So that
24:41
Speaker 1: is one of the key foundations of resentment in a relationship.
24:45
Speaker 1: One person just does not see the other person's needs
24:47
Speaker 1: as important as their own, or they just don't see
24:50
Speaker 1: it full stop. They don't see it even if they've
24:53
Speaker 1: been told. They just for whatever reason, they're not grasping
24:56
Speaker 1: the importance of it. So I have banged on about
25:01
Speaker 1: this how you cannot get your partner to change, You
25:05
Speaker 1: can't force change on anyone. But I think what is
25:07
Speaker 1: really important when it comes to this feeling of resentment
25:10
Speaker 1: is to understand what it is that you can do
25:14
Speaker 1: within your parameters of control. Because when you resent, it
25:18
Speaker 1: means that you don't have power over a situation or
25:24
Speaker 1: over something. You feel this frustration and you feel powerless,
25:28
Speaker 1: and that is one of the reasons why resentment feels
25:31
Speaker 1: so painful and frustrating, and it could just it drives
25:34
Speaker 1: you to a point of insanity. Okay, So I think
25:37
Speaker 1: it's really important to understand how is this Firstly, how
25:43
Speaker 1: is it being communicated and how is it and secondly
25:46
Speaker 1: how is it being repaired? And then I'm going to
25:48
Speaker 1: go into another big key takeaway that you need to
25:50
Speaker 1: think about after this. So, how is it being communicated,
25:54
Speaker 1: how is it being repaired? I think that if I
25:57
Speaker 1: were to say to my partner, listen, can you please
26:01
Speaker 1: put the like, you know whatever? Like? It might be
26:04
Speaker 1: something little like do you mind making sure that you
26:07
Speaker 1: close the lid off the toilet? Or do you mind
26:09
Speaker 1: always putting the lid back on the toothpaste? Or you
26:11
Speaker 1: If your partner is like, oh, such a nagger? Why
26:14
Speaker 1: are you asking these small details from me?
26:16
Speaker 2: Why are you this?
26:16
Speaker 1: Why are you that? Then I think it's really important
26:18
Speaker 1: to understand how am I communicating things across? Are we
26:22
Speaker 1: able to talk about the division of jobs in this household?
26:26
Speaker 1: Are we able to talk about the mental load in
26:28
Speaker 1: this household? Are we able to say have you noticed
26:31
Speaker 1: that you've requested this small thing from me? And while
26:33
Speaker 1: it means nothing to me, you being happy does mean
26:36
Speaker 1: something to me. So I've gone and done that. However,
26:38
Speaker 1: when I've requested the same for you, you haven't done
26:40
Speaker 1: that for me. Why you have to try and find
26:44
Speaker 1: ways where you can speak to them in their language.
26:48
Speaker 1: Communication is everything. So it's all well and good to
26:51
Speaker 1: be like, well, I've said it and they haven't listened.
26:53
Speaker 1: But it's like if they're your partner, You probably know
26:56
Speaker 1: them better than most people. So if they are your partner,
26:58
Speaker 1: say well, I know them, I know what communication works
27:01
Speaker 1: with them or what gets a better result and what doesn't.
27:05
Speaker 1: So for me, a really good way of communicating in
27:07
Speaker 1: general with anybody is to try and get them to
27:10
Speaker 1: see it from try and look at it from their perspective,
27:13
Speaker 1: and get them to flip the perspective and then also
27:16
Speaker 1: flip the question, because if.
27:18
Speaker 2: You was just say it, say it, say get them.
27:21
Speaker 1: To analyze their behavior and say is this fair? Because
27:26
Speaker 1: they might turn around and say, you know what, that
27:28
Speaker 1: request isn't fair, and they might give you something to
27:31
Speaker 1: look at where you're like, yeah, fuck, I've never really
27:34
Speaker 1: looked at it that way.
27:35
Speaker 2: Here I'm banging on about the fucking.
27:37
Speaker 1: The top of the toothpaste, but they do all this
27:41
Speaker 1: other shit for me, and am I really going to
27:43
Speaker 1: break a relationship because of a fucking toothpaste.
27:46
Speaker 2: Sometimes you're able to.
27:47
Speaker 1: Sometimes they will frame it in a way where you're like,
27:50
Speaker 1: maybe I can just look at this not frustrating me
27:52
Speaker 1: as much, or maybe we just get two tubs of
27:54
Speaker 1: toothpaste and you can have a disaster on your side
27:56
Speaker 1: and my tube of toothpaste will be fine.
27:58
Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean?
27:58
Speaker 1: And I know I'll talking about something tiny here, but
28:00
Speaker 1: I'm saying, you give your partner the opportunity to be like,
28:04
Speaker 1: but you're not saying it from my side. I always
28:07
Speaker 1: put your cups away in the dish or shine, and
28:10
Speaker 1: if I never did that, they'd be all over the house.
28:12
Speaker 1: But I never say anything or I or it could
28:15
Speaker 1: just be fully one sided and they are taking you
28:17
Speaker 1: for granted. But what I'm saying is when you open
28:20
Speaker 1: it up as a legitimate conversation, not just a not
28:22
Speaker 1: a repetition of the same thing a thousand times, you
28:25
Speaker 1: allow that person to either see the flaws in their
28:29
Speaker 1: behavior and how it's not even in the relationship or
28:32
Speaker 1: as a friendship or whatever it is, as a housemate, whatever.
28:35
Speaker 2: And it also allows.
28:37
Speaker 1: Them to speak for themselves and see if they have
28:40
Speaker 1: a valid reason for their behavior. But what it does
28:43
Speaker 1: it opens up the floor for conversation, which I think
28:45
Speaker 1: is really key. It's not just this repetition of you
28:48
Speaker 1: saying the one thing without being like, can I see
28:51
Speaker 1: it from their angle? Is it true that they're actually
28:53
Speaker 1: doing things for me that I haven't realized? And here
28:55
Speaker 1: I am blowing up about one detail when I also
28:58
Speaker 1: leave shit out, but I don't see it because they
29:01
Speaker 1: do things for me, so it allows for this to happen. Okay, Now,
29:05
Speaker 1: repair is really important. And when I talk about repair,
29:08
Speaker 1: I also want you to look at it from the
29:10
Speaker 1: angle of yourself. This is, if someone is resenting you,
29:13
Speaker 1: and if someone is pissed off at you, then you've
29:16
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself, have I properly repaired? Because if
29:21
Speaker 1: I've said sorry, and then I've got to done the
29:23
Speaker 1: same thing, and then I've said sorry again, and then
29:26
Speaker 1: they don't forgive you, or they grumpy at you, and
29:29
Speaker 1: then you're like, well, I said sorry, what else do
29:30
Speaker 1: they want from me? You have to understand you've done
29:33
Speaker 1: nothing to repair. So, for example, let's say that you
29:39
Speaker 1: promised your partner that you would have a really nice
29:41
Speaker 1: night together and then you ended up hitting it hard,
29:43
Speaker 1: you went out, and then you came home at five am,
29:46
Speaker 1: and then the whole next day you weren't able to
29:48
Speaker 1: do anything with your partner even though you promised it,
29:50
Speaker 1: and then you know, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
29:52
Speaker 1: and then you did it again, and then you did
29:54
Speaker 1: it again and then you did it again. How do
29:56
Speaker 1: you And then you say, oh, my partner's so controlling
29:59
Speaker 1: because you know, I feel like I can't go out.
30:02
Speaker 1: I just want to have like a big night out
30:03
Speaker 1: and they're really controlling, when instead you could be looking
30:06
Speaker 1: at it as I promise my partner we would have
30:09
Speaker 1: quality time on the weekend. I've now ridden myself off
30:12
Speaker 1: and the so called quality time is me dying of
30:15
Speaker 1: a hangover in bed when they're like, well, this was
30:17
Speaker 1: really our day to spend together. So instead of you're
30:19
Speaker 1: looking at it as oh, they controlling me, you could
30:22
Speaker 1: look at it as this person was really looking forward
30:25
Speaker 1: to this quality time and I've let them down. And
30:28
Speaker 1: the only way I've tried to quote unquote repair was
30:29
Speaker 1: to say oh sorry, and then I go and repeat,
30:31
Speaker 1: and then I say oh sorry, and then I go
30:32
Speaker 1: and repeat. How would you feel you'd feel bottom of
30:36
Speaker 1: the barrel. That's how you'd feel.
30:37
Speaker 2: Okay, So you've got.
30:38
Speaker 1: To ask yourself as well, am I good at repairing?
30:42
Speaker 1: Or am I a piece of shit at repairing? Because
30:45
Speaker 1: it's very easy to point your finger at your partner
30:47
Speaker 1: and say you're terrible at repairing. You always say I'm sorry,
30:49
Speaker 1: but then you never really or at a friend you know,
30:51
Speaker 1: or at your parent or whoever, But how good are
30:54
Speaker 1: you at repairing? Because if you're good at repairing perfect,
30:59
Speaker 1: then you can use that as an example. You could
31:01
Speaker 1: say to your partner, remember that time that you pulled
31:03
Speaker 1: me up because I fucked up and I was really
31:05
Speaker 1: hung over whatever, and then I repaired it by making
31:07
Speaker 1: a really nice plan, not just the following week, but
31:10
Speaker 1: consistently for a couple of weeks time. And then when
31:12
Speaker 1: I really did want to go out, I actually gave
31:14
Speaker 1: you some warning ahead of time and said, look, I'm
31:16
Speaker 1: not gonna be able to do this because I've got
31:18
Speaker 1: a big night out, so instead, let's do something else
31:20
Speaker 1: like I prepped it so that way, I still go
31:22
Speaker 1: to do what I want to do, but I'm not
31:24
Speaker 1: doing it on your time. Remember when I did that, Well,
31:27
Speaker 1: now I'm asking you to repair this properly and not
31:29
Speaker 1: just say sorry. It's always good. If you can walk
31:32
Speaker 1: the fuck and walk and have examples of how you're
31:34
Speaker 1: good at repairing, then it's very easy for your partner
31:37
Speaker 1: to have a benchmark, or for your friend to have
31:39
Speaker 1: a benchmark, but for you to sit there and point
31:41
Speaker 1: fingers la. Where you don't have an example of you
31:43
Speaker 1: actually repairing something either, then it's hard for them to
31:46
Speaker 1: really see the value or understand how you would like
31:49
Speaker 1: that thing to be repaired.
31:50
Speaker 2: Okay, but repair is huge.
31:52
Speaker 1: But ultimately, ultimately, ultimately, ultimately, after you take away repair,
31:58
Speaker 1: after you take away the conversation and true communication, you
32:03
Speaker 1: have to remember at the end of the day that
32:07
Speaker 1: where I'm talking about best case scenario where both parties
32:11
Speaker 1: are willing to come to the table, But for most
32:13
Speaker 1: cases of resentment, it has to do with the other
32:16
Speaker 1: person not willing to come to the table or at
32:19
Speaker 1: least not willing to meet you where you would like
32:21
Speaker 1: to be met. And a big mistake in resentment, and
32:25
Speaker 1: this is huge, so remember this. A big mistake in
32:29
Speaker 1: resentment is telling yourself that it has to be fixed
32:33
Speaker 1: or mended or repaired in order for you to move on,
32:38
Speaker 1: or doing the same for yourself, like you're resenting yourself
32:42
Speaker 1: for something that you've done in the past, and unless
32:44
Speaker 1: you go back in past and fix it, so you
32:46
Speaker 1: suffer indefinitely because of something you did, and then you
32:48
Speaker 1: resent yourself for it. You say to yourself, until this
32:51
Speaker 1: is fixed, until this person repairs this thing until they apologize,
32:56
Speaker 1: until they make it right. Once that happens, then I
33:01
Speaker 1: can relax. Then I can let go. Then I can
33:04
Speaker 1: be happy. But notice how you are again as always, well,
33:08
Speaker 1: hopefully not as always, but this happens all the fucking time.
33:11
Speaker 1: I've done this so many times in my life. But
33:13
Speaker 1: notice how again you're putting the power in someone else's hand.
33:17
Speaker 1: You're saying, here's my power, but there you fucking go
33:19
Speaker 1: take the power, and you can decide when I can
33:21
Speaker 1: let go of this thing, because I'm saying that until
33:24
Speaker 1: you change, I'm not gonna be able to let go.
33:27
Speaker 1: I'm gonna harbor harbor, harbor harbor.
33:28
Speaker 2: And who suffers me?
33:30
Speaker 1: I suffer because it's in my fucking head. I mean,
33:33
Speaker 1: your actions are still existing, but the suffering is in
33:36
Speaker 1: my head.
33:37
Speaker 2: Okay.
33:37
Speaker 1: This is similar to what people do with closure. They
33:40
Speaker 1: kind of say, well, until that person comes and gives
33:41
Speaker 1: me a reason, I'll never have closure, never, never, never,
33:44
Speaker 1: And then this person's off living their best life unaware
33:47
Speaker 1: that they owe you closure, and you're the fair stirring
33:49
Speaker 1: like a rotting fucking bug. So basically, you have to decide,
33:54
Speaker 1: how can I reframe how I'm looking at this situation
33:58
Speaker 1: because there's well, there's many things that you can be doing,
34:01
Speaker 1: but there's going to be ultimately two options.
34:04
Speaker 2: If someone isn't changing.
34:06
Speaker 1: Their behavior, you have two options. Number one, this is
34:10
Speaker 1: after you've tried the communication and repair, because communication repair
34:13
Speaker 1: is best case scenario. It's two people on the same page,
34:16
Speaker 1: two people willing to work together, which I think should
34:19
Speaker 1: be the parameters of our relationship goes down. But let's
34:21
Speaker 1: say the other person is not coming to the table.
34:23
Speaker 1: They are not valuing your needs as much as they
34:25
Speaker 1: value their own needs. They are not a team player.
34:27
Speaker 1: You got two options. See Option number one is that
34:30
Speaker 1: you change the parameters of that relationship, as in, you
34:33
Speaker 1: leave the relationship. You make them more of a distant
34:35
Speaker 1: friend not a close friend. You step away from being
34:37
Speaker 1: as close with your relative because they're hurting you too much.
34:39
Speaker 1: It's not really you're not benefiting, it's whatever. And then
34:42
Speaker 1: option number two is you say, no, I don't want
34:45
Speaker 1: to leave this person. I know that they're still doing
34:48
Speaker 1: that same thing, and I'm holding on to Resember, but
34:50
Speaker 1: I refuse to leave this person. For whatever reason. I
34:52
Speaker 1: can't leave them. I want to stay with them. They're
34:54
Speaker 1: still the best person for me, They're still the best
34:57
Speaker 1: friend being I don't want to let off this person.
34:58
Speaker 1: So they're really your two options after repairing communication has
35:02
Speaker 1: been tried. If they're not going to change the behavior,
35:04
Speaker 1: you can leave or you can stay.
35:07
Speaker 2: Right, So, now let's say.
35:09
Speaker 1: You're going to stay. You've decided I'm not leaving my partner.
35:13
Speaker 2: We have kids together.
35:14
Speaker 1: I don't want to leave my partner for that reason,
35:16
Speaker 1: which many people choose.
35:18
Speaker 2: To do that.
35:19
Speaker 1: Then you have to say, how can I approach these
35:22
Speaker 1: situations different differently? If I'm going to stay, how can
35:27
Speaker 1: I minimize how this is making me feel? Because although
35:31
Speaker 1: they may not see it from my point of view,
35:35
Speaker 1: is there something that I can do that will get
35:38
Speaker 1: them to change?
35:39
Speaker 2: For example, let's say.
35:41
Speaker 1: Your partner never ever, ever, ever, ever helps with the
35:44
Speaker 1: housework ever. You know, ideally you would have already spoken
35:47
Speaker 1: to them nicely and whatever, but a sure way of
35:49
Speaker 1: eventually getting them to do housework is to never do
35:52
Speaker 1: their laundry. Trust me, the cant is going to do
35:56
Speaker 1: a lot of laundry if all their shit is filthy. Right, So,
36:01
Speaker 1: ideally you want to be doing things for each other
36:04
Speaker 1: as a team, But if you are the only one
36:06
Speaker 1: doing absolutely everything, and you've begged and pleaded and screamed
36:09
Speaker 1: and asked nicely, and you've tried passively. Great, you've tried
36:11
Speaker 1: everything and it's not worked. There's a way of getting
36:15
Speaker 1: them to do it.
36:16
Speaker 2: But ultimately you.
36:17
Speaker 1: Have to ask yourself, if I'm choosing to stay with
36:20
Speaker 1: this person that just doesn't want to meet me in
36:22
Speaker 1: the middle, and then I choose to harbor resentment, then
36:26
Speaker 1: I am literally a sucker for punishment because I'm either
36:30
Speaker 1: going to stay with them and change how I view
36:32
Speaker 1: this behavior because I'm choosing to stay with them, or
36:35
Speaker 1: I need to leave, or I need to not make
36:38
Speaker 1: this person a close friend anymore. So how can I
36:40
Speaker 1: put some parameters in place where I will be able
36:45
Speaker 1: to deal with this behavior in a much more in
36:50
Speaker 1: a much easier way that doesn't affect my own mental health?
36:55
Speaker 1: Because when you're in a state of resenting, you are
36:57
Speaker 1: in a state of powerlessness, and that is why it
37:00
Speaker 1: feels so bad. You are the victim of the scenario. Okay,
37:04
Speaker 1: and you also want to look at it as I'm
37:06
Speaker 1: not here to punish, but I've got to look at
37:09
Speaker 1: it from my perspective. So you've got to look at
37:13
Speaker 1: it from am I willing to put up with this?
37:17
Speaker 1: You know, so fuck what that person's thinking for one second,
37:20
Speaker 1: and what their intention is in all of that. But
37:22
Speaker 1: is this situation good for me? Or is this situation
37:25
Speaker 1: good enough for me? Because if it's something that, it's
37:29
Speaker 1: just a whole bunch of little things that have annoyed
37:32
Speaker 1: you about this person. But if you really add it up,
37:34
Speaker 1: they're actually a fucking legend as well, then there are
37:38
Speaker 1: ways that you can minimize how you feel so you
37:40
Speaker 1: don't resent them as much. For example, your partner might
37:43
Speaker 1: be an unbelievable parent to your children, or they might
37:47
Speaker 1: be incredibly helpful with your family. They do everything for
37:50
Speaker 1: your parents, they do everything for your siblings, Like they're
37:52
Speaker 1: so fucking helpful, but they're a slob?
37:55
Speaker 2: Are you able to be? Like?
37:57
Speaker 1: You know what, when I add everything up realistically and
38:01
Speaker 1: put shit into perspective, they are unbelievable.
38:05
Speaker 2: They're such a fucking good person.
38:07
Speaker 1: They go out of their way in all these other things,
38:09
Speaker 1: but there'sh they always leave the shit everywhere. Am I
38:13
Speaker 1: gonna let that ruin the relationship? You might or you
38:16
Speaker 1: might not, But you've got to be like, at the
38:19
Speaker 1: end of the day, I'm the one harboring all this pain.
38:21
Speaker 1: I'm the one suffering, So how can I minimize this suffering?
38:26
Speaker 2: So I want you to There's.
38:27
Speaker 1: Two things I'm gonna do now. Number one, I'm gonna
38:30
Speaker 1: explain how to look at something from another person's perspective.
38:33
Speaker 1: And number two, I'm gonna go through a bunch of
38:34
Speaker 1: things that you guys sent me and I'm gonna help
38:36
Speaker 1: you look at it from a different perspective. So the
38:38
Speaker 1: first thing is, are you able to see this from
38:41
Speaker 1: another perspective, either that person's perspective or a third party perspective.
38:46
Speaker 1: There's actually a name for this, and I can't remember it,
38:48
Speaker 1: but it's a form of cognitive behavioral therapy where you
38:51
Speaker 1: try and look at a situation from an outsider's perspective.
38:54
Speaker 1: Because sometimes when something happens to you, it is definitely
38:58
Speaker 1: magnified because you're also adding a onto a lot of
39:00
Speaker 1: other things. But when you look at it from their
39:02
Speaker 1: perspective and based on their experiences and how they would
39:05
Speaker 1: perceive that situation, sometimes it softens the blow of of
39:10
Speaker 1: how you're perceiving it.
39:11
Speaker 2: And the same.
39:12
Speaker 1: Goes for when you look at it from a third
39:14
Speaker 1: party perspective as well. So for example, this could be
39:17
Speaker 1: with anything. For example, you might be a really flirtatious
39:20
Speaker 1: person and flirting means nothing to you because it's just playful.
39:25
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter, it's in your character, you've always been
39:27
Speaker 1: that way, and you're loyal to your partner, whatever. But
39:31
Speaker 1: someone else might be like, that is the most insulting
39:34
Speaker 1: thing you can do to your partner. Oh my god,
39:36
Speaker 1: that was done to me. And notice how perception is
39:40
Speaker 1: everything then, because you're like, wow, oh my god, no,
39:43
Speaker 1: this is just a playful thing. I have no fucking
39:45
Speaker 1: intentions whatsoever. To me. It's nothing. I couldn't Oh my god,
39:47
Speaker 1: it's nothing. It's nothing, it's nothing. But your partner might
39:49
Speaker 1: be like, I would never do that. I would never
39:51
Speaker 1: do that, and you flirting with that person has absolutely
39:53
Speaker 1: destroyed me. I resent you now forever. So that's what
39:55
Speaker 1: I meant about perspectives. If you were able to turn
39:58
Speaker 1: it around and be like, if I could truly see
40:00
Speaker 1: from their perspective, if I can acknowledge that they've always
40:02
Speaker 1: been just a flirtatious person and there's zero intent behind it,
40:06
Speaker 1: even though it has hurt me, Am I able to
40:08
Speaker 1: soften the intensity of that thing because I'm looking at
40:11
Speaker 1: it from my angle versus from the third party angle
40:15
Speaker 1: looking at it from above. Okay, So sometimes it's a
40:18
Speaker 1: really helpful technique, and there's a lot of studies that
40:21
Speaker 1: have been done and where people use this third party
40:23
Speaker 1: perspective way of analyzing it actually softens how much they've
40:28
Speaker 1: been hurt. It makes them be like, oh wow, well,
40:30
Speaker 1: in perspective, if I was another person looking in on this,
40:33
Speaker 1: it's actually not that bad, or it's actually maybe it's
40:35
Speaker 1: not as embarrassing as I thought. I'm not really embarrassed.
40:38
Speaker 1: I wasn't actually humiliated. I was just magnifying it in
40:41
Speaker 1: my head. Guys, this has turned out to be a
40:44
Speaker 1: very long episode, so I'm actually splitting it here, and
40:46
Speaker 1: there is a part two, so go check out part
40:48
Speaker 1: two of this episode where I actually go through scenarios
40:53
Speaker 1: where you guys have written into me specific scenarios, just
40:56
Speaker 1: one liners of situations where you resent people and how
40:59
Speaker 1: I would approach that situation. So, dealing with friends, dealing
41:03
Speaker 1: with you know, how you were raised by you know,
41:07
Speaker 1: an unhealthy parent, certain you know someone ghosting you, all
41:10
Speaker 1: all these things are going to be talking about in
41:12
Speaker 1: the following part two of this episode. Love you guys
41:16
Speaker 1: so much. As always remember becanti Bri, don't text it
41:20
Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't text it from yourself.
41:22
Speaker 2: Dunker