Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep25: The Unfiltered World of Tom Segura 🤣.

Transcript

S3 Ep25: The Unfiltered World of Tom Segura 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what kind of a psychopath I look like?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Walking through a porn store with a grocery list?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like you ever meet somebody and they're so boring you feel like they poisoned you?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're talking to them and you're like, I feel like I'm dying right now.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I think you did it.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: This guy's name is Craig.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I met him.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I made sure to get it.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm gonna remember you for the rest of my life, man.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: He I met him at the bank.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Is he a bank teller?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Is he a security guard?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Nope.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: What's his job?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever they call that guy that stands in the lobby of banks now?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Where you like you walk in and you're like, do you work here?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, I think so.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: That guy?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: The lobby liaison.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I saw him.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: We made eye contact.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how you work.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: For me, if we make eye contact during the day, not at night, but during the day, out of human decency, I acknowledge you.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what I did.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: We made eye contact and I go, how you doing?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he went.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, okay.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So then I get to the second set of doors to walk in.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And as I reach for that door, I hear uh, you going to the bank?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: I go, is this still a bank?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, yeah.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I go, I'd like to.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, go for it.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, okay.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then I reach back and he goes, uh, I'm going to Virginia next week.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Are you telling me that?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, you said how you doing when you got here.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: I had to think about it.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm doing.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: I go, that's the craziest shit I've ever heard anybody say.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And also not how that question works, but alright.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And now I reached back and he goes, Yeah, my sister lives there.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, how long she lived there?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm roped in.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, 15 years.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, you've never been?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, mm-mm.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm starting to look at him like, hey man, do you drive to work or does somebody drop you off?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: I think he can.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I think he could see it in my face.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because out of nowhere, he goes, I drive.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, that's cool, man.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's cool.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: I drive too, that's crazy.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I gotta get in here.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, yeah, we're gonna check out DC and we're gonna see some monuments.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I go, I would love to hear about it, but I have to make a deposit.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Well, I'll be here when you walk out.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I go, you motherfucker.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck that guy.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And fuck everybody like him.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you have the audacity to tell people how you're doing when they say how you're doing, that shit is rude and selfish, alright?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm serious.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: There are two acceptable answers to how you're doing: fine and great.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're miserable, you say fine.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: You don't burden people with your real world problems during a courteous exchange.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: When I was a freshman in college, I looked like this.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: I looked 47 years old.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was alarming to other students.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: They would see me walking through the doors and they'd be like, Are you a fucking administrator here or something?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, I'm a freshman.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm 18.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, You're a narc?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's who you are.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is my birth face, man.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm 41 Jump Street.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: So with this face came great responsibility.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I bought alcohol for our entire dorm.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't mean three or four, everybody.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't even a challenge.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I looked so old that when I walked into liquor stores, they'd be like, hello, sir, how's the stock market today?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Shit like that.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I bought booze to everybody.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody got boots.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I did the same thing with pornography.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you, before you jump at me, like, why would you do that?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: You just watch it in your dorm room online.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the story takes place in 1997.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a lot of buffering back then.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: That is the truth.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you remember the late 90s or if you were even around, but like porn in the late 90s was like, ha ha, hmm.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I kidding?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: I use my right hand.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: So now, keep in mind, I'm not buying porn for a couple buddies.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: It is for an entire building of 18-year-old freshman dudes in college.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: You can't wrap your head around how massive and specific these orders were.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I would go door to door and guys would hand me cash and their wish lists.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: They'd be like, I want black cocks, asses, and feet.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Don't fuck it up.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, all right.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what kind of a psychopath I looked like walking through a porn store with a grocery list?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like mom said not to forget.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: So one day, I am buying outrageous amounts of porn.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the owner of the store comes up to me.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, You should go to this other store.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, that is a weird thing to tell your best customer, man.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I go, why?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: He just goes, I just think you'll like it.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so I go, Okay.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: I go.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: He sends me to, I don't know if you've ever been to a cement block building with no sign or address.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: The kind of building that's like, I don't know, you fucking guess what's in here.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like that.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I walk in and I see a man wearing overalls and no t-shirt, which I think we all know is the international uniform for the last guy you'll ever see.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this guy is behind the counter.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: He looks up and sees me, and the first words out of his mouth are, piss fetish?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, what?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, Oh, I got a full bladder.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Don't want to waste it.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, what the fuck?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I said, is that what you do around here?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, among other things.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: I said, well then show me around.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let me see what else do you have.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be closed-minded.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: So we go through the store.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: He shows me movies and toys.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, We got a booth.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can put in a quarter.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, Yeah, I got it.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, but this here's our VIP.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you'll notice there's a hole in the wall.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're standing in there, someone might stick their finger through that hole.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And they'll go, just like this.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to, you stick your prick in that hole and someone will suck it on the other side.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And my dumbass goes, Is it a guy or a girl?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, You see any other cars in that parking lot, Junior?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: I walk offset and I notice there's a bar across the street.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I go, I'm gonna walk into this bar, have a drink, go back to the hotel.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Simple enough, right?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I walk in, I see a woman seated at the bar doing what I can only describe as weird shit.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: If you're like, what do you mean, Tom?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think there's a normal spectrum of behavior that you see from one seated at a bar.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if you see them seated there, you might see them go like this, or uh like, hey, or maybe even ha ha.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: This lady is seated at the bar and she's going, I'm like, is she making fudge?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: What is she doing over there?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I also notice it late.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I notice it as I'm walking past it.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: That happens sometimes, right?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like you walk, you see something as you're passing it, you're like, that's some crazy shit, and you keep walking, and then you're like, I need to see that again.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how I'm gonna see it again.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm dead center, and I see that a woman, to be clear, is in public 4:30 in the afternoon, and she is sitting there fucking peeling her potato.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, uh playing with her pussy.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm trying to say.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And she is not hot, if you're wondering.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you're like, was she super hot?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: No, she wasn't.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And because of that, I tattletailed immediately.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know what's up.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I go to the bouncer, I go, excuse me.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: That not model over there is diddling herself at the bar.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And this big yoked dude look, and he goes, I go, yeah, talk to her.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, I'm like, excuse me?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, I don't want anything to do with that shit.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I don't think anybody does.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's a woman masturbating at the bar.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, oh, like he's put out by my outrageous request.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, all right, man, Jesus Christ.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: So he gets up, he walks like halfway there, turns around, he goes, Yeah, I couldn't do it, man.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I go, you have to.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: So he calls over the hostess, this cute little 22-year-old is like, what's up, calls?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, handle that.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, uh-huh.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: She goes over there, super polite, which is fucked up, considering the circumstances.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I can't hear her, but I can read her body language.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, Ha.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, everybody can see you.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then she goes, stop it.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Stop it.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, You promise?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, thank you.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And she comes back and she goes, she stopped.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, she finished or she stopped.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, she stopped.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, okay.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, wait, is she allowed to stay?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, Yeah.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: I go, why?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, because she stopped.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: I go, I'm sorry.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Would I be allowed to stay?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: If I was just sitting at your bar, just kind of toying with the top, you know, like.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Would you tap me on the shoulder be like, excuse me?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Will you put your leaky dick back into your pants?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: You want some chicken fingers or sprite or something?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: I say you called a SWAT team, and they would repel into the building.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Someone would crack my fucking head on the side of the bar, and you'd have a parade as my corpse was carried out.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: As she goes, You're right about that.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we as a nation, we have been traumatized by these horrific laws and people being imprisoned for having weed.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it highlights the absurdity of not only it having been illegal and so crazy for so many years, but also highlights how the next generation will not believe our stories about it at all.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: There's a 0% chance they will understand what we're talking about.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: It'd be like trying to tell a kid now, like, uh, hey, you know, pigeons used to deliver messages to people.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: They'd be like, Who the fuck are you saying right now?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: It'll be the same thing.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna sit my son down one day and be like, you know, when I was your age uh to get weed, I almost died.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: And he'll be like, why?
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Was 7-Eleven on fire or something?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't sell it at 7-Eleven.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Daddy used to get in cars with strangers.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Where are we going?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Chill out, alright.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Three-hour round trips to buy weed.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're like, oh, what kind of weight were you moving?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Uh$20 worth of marijuana.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: That kind of major shit.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: I bought weed from a dude in a standalone trailer one time.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Not a trailer park, a solo trailer.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: The most terrifying housing situation that exists.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like where other trailer people were like, get the fuck out of here.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: They kick him out.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: I just walk up to that shit, 15.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: And this dude's like, You trying to get a sack?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh shit, yeah.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, we could go do that.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, all right, cool.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, we just need to go get it.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you don't fucking have it?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that your sole responsibility?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I tried to play cool.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, all right, let's go get it.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, I'll go get it.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: You stay here and watch my place.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, okay.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, there's a 357 and a shotgun on my bed.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody comes in here, blast them.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Inside, paralysis.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: But what I said was, that's what's up.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, man.