Latest / Head Shrink Inc. / Is the "X-PLAN" really a good plan?

Transcript

Is the "X-PLAN" really a good plan? · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, this is Doc David with Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: And today on the show we are going to talk about something called the X Plan for Teenagers.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, it's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: And hopefully I'm recording differently today.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: I think you can obviously tell, and I apologize for that.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully that doesn't distract from what we're going to talk about today.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: So someone sent me via Facebook, it was a friend of mine.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: They sent me a link to a blog post by a guy named Bert Fulkes.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: And Bert apparently is a um substance abuse counselor that works with teenagers.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: And uh the essence of this post, well, first of all, let's just be honest.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: All of us that are bloggers, we are always in search of having that blog post that goes viral.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because if that blog post goes viral, then more people know about us, then we get more hits on our website, then we get more notoriety, etc.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: etc.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's kind of like this unending uh circle.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: And at least that's true for me, just in being honest.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: I I do want to write that uh end all be all blog post that everyone raves about and that gets you on um television.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: And what I found is that that that tends to be true, and the people that I've spoken with that are bloggers, that tends to be true as well.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: So it looks like Bert was able to do that with this idea that he and I don't even know if he came up with it because it's something that seems fairly simple, um, but he just wrote about it, and uh let's talk about it for a minute.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: So it's called the X-Plan, and essentially it's a give giving your kids a way out of um difficult situations that they get into with their peers.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Now, um, just for clarity's sake, Burt works with teenagers apparently, and I also work with teenagers.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: I've been working with teens and um at-risk teens and families for about 18 years now, and so I've had my fill of um lots of different situations with teenagers, teenagers that have been on the run, teen teenagers that have used uh parents that are uh that have abused their kids, kids that have been sexually abused.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I've seen a lot of different circumstances as I've worked with families over my um 18 years.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so this idea that Bert uh wrote about is not something that I've I mean, to me, it's not something that it's it's like wow, it's this amazing brand new idea.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um I think he articulates it pretty well.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about it.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: So it's called the X-Plan.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so basically, if you have a teenager that's or a child that's out at an event of some sort with friends, and they start to feel like they're in over their head at this event, so maybe there's alcohol that's being served, or maybe they're being bullied, or maybe someone's pressuring them to have sex or something like that.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um the the idea is that the parent wants to be the person that um gives them a way out because the kid feels too much pressure to say, I don't want to do this.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now, um that I think is a good idea.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: The pushback, I think, what I've as I've read is that, well, kids need to be able to learn to stand up to their peers.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well, sure, I agree with that, but I think that initially some kids are able to do that very easily, and some kids are not.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Similar to there's some adults that you know are people pleasers, and then there's some that are very type A, and you know, they will always take a one-up position with you, and um you can't change their mind on anything.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think similar to how there's adults like that, there's gonna be kids like that, there's gonna be kids that can stand up and easily say no, and then there's kids that are gonna feel like, well, if I don't say yes to this thing, they're not gonna like me, and I'm gonna I'm embarrassed, etc.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: etc.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: So the the idea of this plan is that if you have a kid that is feeling particularly pressured or something, you can uh they can text you, um, and all that they do, all they do is text you the letter X.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so then when they text you that letter X, and I suppose it could be any letter of the alphabet that you have agreed is is like the code word for help.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but in this instant it's X.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so you get a text from your teenager or your kid that says X.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so you are supposed to then um start a conversation with them that says, you know, paraphrasing uh, hey son or daughter, something's come up and I have to come get you right now.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then daughter or son is supposed to text back, what happened?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: And then mom and dad are supposed to say, I'll tell you when I get there, be ready to leave in five minutes, I'm on my way.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, which I think is a good idea because it it increases communication, it it allows your kid to see you as this um source of relief when they're in a challenging uh place in their life, and so I I think to that level I agree with it.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so um Bert then goes on to you know bring up several different questions that people may have as they you know think about this plan.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't this encourage dishonesty?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Does this cripple a kid socially instead of teaching them to stand up to others?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: What if this becomes habitual?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um he answers those.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: I think that those are you know, if it is habitual, then you have more issues than you know texting X to your to having your kid text you X.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um does this encourage dishonesty?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care if he's dishonest with his friends, I just want him to be safe.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, does it cripple a kid socially instead of teaching them to stand up to others?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: No, because I think it like I said earlier, there's some people that are just able to do that.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're not able to do that as a teenager, you can learn to do that as you become an adult.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: The part that I didn't agree with with Mr.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Folks was um if you don't talk about it or ask questions, how do they learn?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: And and he basically went down this path of, well, you know, you're building a relationship with them, and and they will probably be the ones that start the conversation.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um most of the these conversations needed to take place on the front side of events, and then he talks about a cruise and how on a cruise, and I agreed with this, on a cruise they make you go through a safety check in the beginning, talking about lifeboats and etc.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: etc.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: But where I think he was a little bit off base, and and again, I get that he works with kids, but I also work with kids, and as do thousands of other people, so there's gonna probably be thousands of different opinions about this.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: But I remember going through this cruise briefing about, you know, if the ship starts to sink, here are these lifeboats, and you know, but I don't remember the specifics of it, and I do remember that I kind of was wanting to get out of this briefing as quickly as possible, and so I didn't pay a lot of attention to it.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: I probably was on my phone or I was talking to my wife or talking to one of my kids.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um I think comparing um using the cruise metaphor is not a good metaphor to use simply because that's probably a um a metaphor, that's probably a situation that people tend not to pay a lot of attention to.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Some do, just like anything.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: Some kids will pay attention, but in my experience, the vast majority, when you're having a lecture type conversation with your kid, their eyes tend to glaze over if it goes longer than let's say two or three minutes.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so where I disagree with this plan is that if you have a kid that texts you ex and you go through the whole role, the role of you know going to get your kid and helping them be safe and things like that, not having a conversation with them afterwards, I think, in my opinion, is a mistake.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now, you don't have to have a conversation like directly afterwards, but I think at some point there needs to be a conversation.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you don't have that conversation and you wait for your kid to bring up that conversation, I have a feeling you're going to be waiting a long time.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: Now, there may be certain situations that the kid does bring something up, but in general, if you have a kid that's going to situations where they're needing to text you an ex, you've got you've got bigger issues, I believe, that need to be dealt with.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm going to suggest that you don't want your kid going to situations where it's going to have he or she is going to have to be texting you an ex.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm going to suggest that if your kid is texting you ex, you know, I'm not saying over and over again, but if they're texting you ex a fair amount, um I I think you need to question I think as a parent you need to be considering why is my kid going to these places where they're feeling a lot of pressure to do things that morally, let's say I don't agree with as a parent.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a conversation you need to have with your kid because this um plan that he proposes, to me, the the sense is I'm gonna let my kid be autonomous, and there's gonna be situations that are challenging for them, and I'm gonna be their exit door, but I'm not gonna then have conversations with them and see if I need to help them and hold them accountable to these behaviors and these places that they're going that I don't agree with.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think as parents, we are our our one of our goals is to protect children, to protect our kids.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I think you protect kids by putting up boundaries and consequences for behavior that is wrong.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: And to me, the idea here is that oh, your kid may be doing this wrong behavior, but you know, don't talk to them about it because they need to come to talk to you about it because you're building a relationship.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I get that you're wanting to build a relationship, but also you are a parent that's tasked with keeping your kids safe and having that helping them learn what's appropriate and what's not appropriate.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: And you can just take a quick view on any social media and see that a vast majority of teenagers are often doing inappropriate things.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I think you know, people say society these days, but I think it reflects a lot of it reflects on um poor parenting practices and maybe a little bit reflects on society as well, on what we're willing to tolerate more and more.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: But I think a lot of it comes down to um this idea that uh my kids need to be independent, and who am I as a parent to you know stifle their experience in life?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, that's where I would directly agree with, disagree with people is like I think your job is to stifle your kids' experience once in a while.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you don't stifle their experience, they're gonna have all these unhealthy experiences that you as the parent are going to reap because either they're gonna get hanging with sketchy friends, they're gonna start uh getting involved with drug use, or they're gonna be drinking, or there's just gonna be this general, I'm not gonna tell mom and dad, they won't ask me, and so I'm not gonna tell them, and then this double life is created with your kid.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: And so I I believe that this plan is essentially a good idea, but I don't agree with pot all of the implementation of this plan.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah, I'm gonna turn this into a blog post and and hopefully you um can look at it and share it.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: You can find me on Instagram at Dr.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: David Simons, and you can find me at Facebook on DocDavid, and then you can email me at headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for listening in.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: If you have any questions, feel free to comment or ask me.