Latest / I Choose Me with Jennie Garth / I Choose ... to Break Free from Trauma with David Archuleta

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I Choose ... to Break Free from Trauma with David Archuleta · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: to I Choose Me, the podcast about making choices, some
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: that scare us, some that save us, and some that
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: ultimately set us free. I am honored you, guys to
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: welcome David Archiletta, someone who has made more courageous choices
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: than most of us can imagine. David is a platinum
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: selling artist, American idol icon, and now New York Times
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: best selling author of his new memoir Devout. David Welcome.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Funny story. I was preparing for David Archiletta to come
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: you to come to my studio today, and I walked
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: outside and I thought, oh my gosh, Well, our house
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: is under construction. I thought, oh my gosh, these windows
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: are too dirty for David Archiletta. So I was out
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: leaning the windows in my crocs when David or to
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: let I drove up in my driveway.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: Well, well, Ken, my publicist drove me up. Yes, I
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: didn't realize we were early.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize I was late and you weren't.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: You were track. We were twenty minutes early.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Oh well, that's nice. That never happens.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: I know, that's that's what happens. When you worked with
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: Ken he's publicist.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he's on he's on duty. He's getting your places
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: before you're supposed to be there. Yeah said never said,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: no one ever in Hollywood.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: I hope we didn't and make you feel uncomfortable though.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: I'm totally for the crocs vibes. And that was so
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: sweet of you too, be cleaning your windows for us.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: For me, they were so dirty. It had to be done,
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: really because you see there's obstruction.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: Oh no, it's a construction.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Everything is dirty here.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: How about how adorable Dotty is?
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: You love Dotty?
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: So cute.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: She's just chill, she is she just sleeping in the sun,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: soaking up the sun. Oh my gosh, this is surreal
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: that you're here, because we've been trying to get this
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: going for a minute.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then I got like, you got sick.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: I think something happened to me. I got sick or scheduled?
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: Did you wacky? Then we had to do it reschedule again.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: Then we just missed each other at the lit fest.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, l a litfest. Yeah. We kind of crossing
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: paths on our book tours. I know you on yours
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: for Devout your new book.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: Thank you and congrats by the way, on yours as well.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, you guys, two best selling authors coming
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: at you right now.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: One of my friends was telling me how much they
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: were enjoying your book, by the way, So I need,
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: I need to get on top of this.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: Send you home with one Okay, I would love that.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: And I I read your book, Thank you. I read
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: every word in it. I really enjoyed it. I love
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: getting to know you first of all, you know, on
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: a really intimate level, like inside your own brain kind
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: of know you. Yeah, and like all the ups and
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: downs that no one would have ever known about. How
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: did you not put this book out there? And I
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: know that's you know, crazy, vulnerable feeling to let the
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: world in like that to that degree. I heard your friend, actually,
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: Jeanette McCurdy encouraged you along the way you wrote about
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: that in the book. She encouraged you to write this book.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yes she did.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: How did you come to writing the book?
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: So I was catching up on life with Jeanette and
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: she was telling me about the book she was writing,
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: which was her first one. I'm glad my mom died, yes,
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: And then she was in the process of like her
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: second book, a novel that she wrote half his age,
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: and she was just like, have you thought of writing
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: a book? As we were talking about life, I was
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: letting her know where I was at and what had
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: been happening, and she said, I would if it's okay
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: with you, I would love to make an intro with
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: you to my team that I did my first book with.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: And I I was like, that'd be great, sure, and
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  Speaker 2: I hit it off with them, and that's that's how
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  Speaker 2: it came to be. But as I started talking more
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: about it, I think just a lot of people were
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  Speaker 2: curious about being very Mormon and publicly and then coming
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: out and what that was like. So I was like, okay,
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: here's well, here's the gist of it, and some other
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: things that kind of paint more of a bigger story here.
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  Speaker 1: So yeah, a lot happens in your book.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, Oh my gosh. I feel so slacking though that
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  Speaker 2: I haven't gotten to read yours yet though, But I'm
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  Speaker 2: very excited about it because it seems like it's a
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  Speaker 2: lot of like similar you grew up starting young as well,
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  Speaker 2: like in front of like an audience being watched.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah you too, So there I did feel some commonalities
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  Speaker 1: throughout it. I was not a Mormon, but you know,
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: and I didn't have all that experience that you did,
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  Speaker 1: but I did feel some industry related commonalities for sure.
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  Speaker 1: I want to talk a little bit about the Mormon Church,
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: if that's okay, Because you were raised as a Mormon
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  Speaker 1: in the Mormon Church and you've left now and you
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: still have positive things to say about LDS and the religion.
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  Speaker 1: How have you been able to sort of weed out
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  Speaker 1: the parts of it that didn't fit for you to
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  Speaker 1: find still a positive place for it in your heart?
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  Speaker 2: It was all it was the community that I was
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  Speaker 2: born and raised in, so it was all I knew.
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  Speaker 2: And it's like most of my friends were just from church, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: for most of my life, and so I kind of
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: kept myself in a little bubble. But I also saw,
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  Speaker 2: you know, that's how what life was for me, and
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: that's how I experienced it. And those were the friends
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  Speaker 2: I made and the memories I created, and the things
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: that conditioned me to be who I am my personality.
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  Speaker 2: So I would hope that there was there are positive
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: things from it. Of course, there are things that are
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: quite odd about it and strange and very strict, and
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  Speaker 2: you know, I can't help, but also just love what
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: helped me be who I was. I mean, it made
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: it hard for me to be who I was as well, Right,
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  Speaker 2: But I in the end, I like who I am finally,
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: and I feel like I have the Mormon culture raising
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  Speaker 2: me to to think for a lot of the things
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  Speaker 2: that I still value in life and what I and
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  Speaker 2: that I like. It's like strong about family and community,
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: looking out for others, thinking outside of yourself, learning how
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: to save, and to be disciplined. They value work effort
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: in music like so many they love the arts and
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: they invest a lot of time and effort and money
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: even into dedicating themselves to the arts. So big into theater,
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  Speaker 2: big into music. Piano playing like so many of my
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: friends and people at church play the piano because they
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: find value in it. And dancing, like there's so many
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  Speaker 2: sounds like.
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  Speaker 1: A lot of joyous moments.
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  Speaker 2: Right right, but a lot of dancing with the star
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  Speaker 2: and so you think you can dance. People come from
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  Speaker 2: Utah because of their amazing programs that they have, I
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: mean the huffs, we're through those and come from that pipeline.
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  Speaker 2: So many others that are there. Yeah, my friend Ezra,
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: who's currently on dancing. Like he came from Utah, so
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: it's he grew up Mormon as well. But yeah, just
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  Speaker 2: some beautiful memories to bring from it.
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  Speaker 1: What about the memories that weren't so good, the things
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: that kept you from being like you said before, who
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  Speaker 1: you ultimately ended up being.
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  Speaker 2: I think a big part of it is like a
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  Speaker 2: fear of there's us and we're in the safe bubble,
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  Speaker 2: but anything outside of it is dangerous. You can't trust it.
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  Speaker 2: It's it might taint you and tarnish you, and we're
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  Speaker 2: supposed to stay pure and holy and clean. So I
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  Speaker 2: think that made me more afraid of the world and
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  Speaker 2: of other people than necessary. And also I think the
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  Speaker 2: lack of there's an idea we were always taught that
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  Speaker 2: the gospel in the Mormon Church had all the answers,
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  Speaker 2: and they had revelation, They had like constant revelation being
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  Speaker 2: given to them by God, so we would only be
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: receiving more and more info, like we'd be progressing. But
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  Speaker 2: I think they don't realize how much they are lacking
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: in information and knowledge and just you know, ways of
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: looking at life and other people. I think they would
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: come to conclusions a lot more quickly than they should.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: And one of the biggest one for me was homosexuality
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: right and gay marriage. For some reason, they had their
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: ideas and they were set on no, this is what
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: it means to gay marriage means this, and that is
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: not what we stand for. And so that caused me
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: because of how strict they are. It's very strict, and
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: I've heard a lot from releasing my book that is
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  Speaker 2: considered a high demand religion. It's all I knew, so
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  Speaker 2: I didn't know what else to compare it to.
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  Speaker 1: What do you mean by high demand?
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: Are they demand a lot of their followers, like it's
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  Speaker 2: required to give ten percent of everything you earn. You're
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  Speaker 2: not allowed to drink alcohol, you're not allowed to drink
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: coffee or tea. For a while, we weren't supposed to
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  Speaker 2: watch rated our movies. I still think that's kind of
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  Speaker 2: a thing. You're not supposed to swear, so it's like
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  Speaker 2: those things. But I think because of like the consumption things,
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  Speaker 2: it was considered more of a high demand religion. You're
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  Speaker 2: expected to go on a mission, you're expected to get
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  Speaker 2: married in the temple, and in order to enter the temple,
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: you have to believe Joesseph Smith is a prophet. You
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  Speaker 2: have to believe Jesus is Christ, and you have to
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  Speaker 2: you must donate ten percent of your income in order
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: to enter the temple and get married there.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Well, I've heard some people who have left the religion
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  Speaker 1: refer to it looking back as a cult. Did you
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: ever feel like anything like that? I mean, because what
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: you're describing about, you know, the making you fear the
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: outside world, that raises a red flag for me right away.
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  Speaker 2: It's interesting because I never felt like I was in
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  Speaker 2: a cult, and even till today I didn't. Looking back,
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  Speaker 2: I didn't feel like I was in a cult.
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  Speaker 1: But I don't think it's an actual cult. I think
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  Speaker 1: there may be some cult like you know, characteristics happening,
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: but I don't see it as a cult either.
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  Speaker 2: Honestly, I see so many similarities of what people would
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  Speaker 2: accuse Mormons of being in a cult. For I'm like,
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  Speaker 2: I see that in other religions. I see that in
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: sports teams and like sports followings, or even like someone's
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: a fan of an artist, like I see a lot
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: of that same behavior where it's just like extreme devotion,
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: fanatical and even radical devotion. Right, But so for me,
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: I'm like, well, yeah, I guess there's some Yeah, I
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: see that in my beliefs, and I just like I
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: see it in other religions and in football.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: You said, my husband is a cult of the Philadelphia Eagles.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: He's in his own cult. We think about it that way.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: You write in Devout that when we were all introduced
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: to you and your incredible voice on American Idol, I
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: was watching, by the way, with my girls in real time,
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: and we were obsessed with you, in love with you.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Just I thought you were the dearest thing on the planet,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: and they thought you were just so cute and talented.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: That's what I mean. We were part of many, many,
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: many many people they thought this way, But a lot
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: more was going on for you during that whole time.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: And I can so relate to this part in your
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: book because, you know, having been on a show that
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: was very, very popular, and trying to make it look
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: a certain way for the fans, for the people watching,
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: and feeling that sort of responsibility kind of on your shoulders,
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: but at the same time dealing with so much that
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: was going on in my personal life. Like I really
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: related to this part of your book when you talk
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: about the whole everything behind the scenes at American Idol,
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: which if you haven't read Devout, you guys have to
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: read it because there's something in here that you will
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: definitely relate with. But can you tell me a little
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: bit about that time in your life because you were
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: how old we I was?
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: I was sixteen and seventeen on American Idol. I was
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: on Star Search as well when I was twelve and thirteen,
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: so that was like my first time being in front
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: of cameras, working with producers, being on a set, and
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: then I had vocal paralysis, so everything was just put
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: on pause. I went back started going back to school
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: when I turned sixteen, though oh I was doing vocal
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: therapy as well during those downtime years. But when I
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: turned sixteen, then it was like, Okay, I'm old enough
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: to audition for American Idol, and.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: Your vocals were strong enough at that point, I mean,
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: I guess they were.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I was worried about anything that was long, a
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: longer set, like anything above ten fifteen minutes. But I
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: could I'm like, you know, I could sing thirty seconds
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: of a song to go audition, or I could sing
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: a minute or two minutes if I end up being
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: going further. But yeah, it was. It was at the
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: peak of its popularity during that time. Everyone knew about it,
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: everyone spoke about it. Everyone was watching.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: Water Cooler Talk for sure.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: Oh my goodness. That's It's so fascinating to me that
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: that's what it was for people.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I feel like.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: It's it's still a popular show, it's just not as
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: much of a cultural.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: Well because movement. It felt like it was the first
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: of its kind. Like I mean, yeah, there was Star Search,
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: but that I don't know, that felt different. American Aisle
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: felt so much more like modern and current and accessible.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: And you know, I remember watching it with my girls
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: and everybody would sing and then there'd be a commercial
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: and you couldn't fast forward through the commercials back then,
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: and during the commercial, my daughters would pretend like they
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: were auditioning for American Idol, and I always ended up
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: having to be Simon.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: I kind of had fun with that though. It's fun
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: to be if you want to pretend to be Simon
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: the og Simon. Yeah, he was. He was tough.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: He was tough.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: It was a tough cookie.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he's softened up so much since much. I'm like Man,
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: he's so much easier on these Americas, got talent an
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: X factor of folks than he was on Idol with
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: all of us.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think though, that's it that it was like
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: just like Beverly Hills on A two and Oho, it
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: was the first of its kind that people really got
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: invested in the characters and you being one of the
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: characters for that season and just want rooting for them,
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: you know, from their couches at home. So I'm sure,
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: I'm sure that's had just all kinds of I'm sure
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: that's so layered like that experience for you.
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's kind of a thing where it's at the
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: time that it's happening, it's moving so quickly that you're
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: not really able to process anything that's going on, and
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: you're not able to take in all the new amount
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: of attention you're getting, all the amount of new people
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: you're interacting with. It's happening faster than you can handle
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: and take it in that. I don't know how it
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: was for you, like your experience, but it took me.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: It took me years to fully process what had happened
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: and to catch up and say like, oh, that's why
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: I'm here where I am in life right now because
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: of all that happening, so much happening, the good and
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: the bad, that I'm like, oh, now I can finally
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: enjoy where I'm at right now because it's making sense
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: why I'm here in the first place. Because it's like
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: I didn't really I didn't. I mean, I went to
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: audition because I was curious, but I wasn't expecting a
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: career to come out of it, and millions of people
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: watching and knowing who I was, and so it just
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: it took a while to finally be even fathom that
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: I was someone who was capable of that and had
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: the capacity for what was now required of me of everyone.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: Do you look back and think, I cannot believe I
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: did that, I survived that.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, It's like it's I think it's the biggest,
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: the hardest thing to process of all of it is
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: the attention. It is everyone now invested in you and
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: your life and what happens next for you. And usually
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: you're thinking, oh, it's the people who are invested at
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: that level, or like your your grandma and grandpa, or
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: your your cousins, your uncles and aunts, and your parents,
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: say some of your neighbors maybe, or some of the
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: people at church that you know are some of your
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: friends at school. But suddenly it was like.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Everyone everyone in the world.
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's like I don't know how to take
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: that because they don't. I mean, I didn't know anyone
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: else who could relate to it right that. You know,
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: all my friends and family were so out of touch
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: with what that felt like and what it was like
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: that it's like you don't really have anyone to talk
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: to about it, and that are going through it with you, Yes,
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: on the same season. I think that's why you bought
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: you form a special bond with them, Like for me,
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: there was the other contestants on my season and from
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: previous seasons too, like Jordan Sparks, because you don't have
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: to talk to them about it. They just know and
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: they get it. So they understand your triggers and your trauma,
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: your excitement when you're overwhelmed, feelings, like they just understand
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: it all. So it's, you know, to this day, like
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: they still have like that idle family. And I was
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: catching up with David Cook, was that last week? Yeah,
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: last week last.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: I love to hear that, you know, those important people
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: are still in your life. I often describe my castmates
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: from the original show. I say, like, there's this invisible
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: string connects us. No matter where we go or whatever
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: we do with our lives or our careers, there's always
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: going to be that connection that's during that nobody even understands.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: Only we understand it. Like you're saying, yeah, so you
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: talk about them like you know, everybody knowing your business,
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: and that I know from watching it. They go and
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: they talk to your family. They kind of do like
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: those you know, packages where they come home and they
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: see what's going on in your family life, and things
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: weren't great in your family. I know your parents split
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: up right before the show started for you, which must
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: have been so difficult and I'm sure so like hard
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: to process that too and then be thrown into this fire.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: M Yeah, why, I guess too. I didn't think too
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: much of it because it seemed like so many people
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: go through that experience of your family together and then
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: they're not, like your parents go different ways.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Wait, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but was that something
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: that was will you say allowed in your in the
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: Mormon religion, it.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: Was definitely discouraged, you know, unless it was like special scenarios.
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: It was just like, well, then you try to make
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: it work. You know, you don't just leave your giving
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: up and you made a covenant in the temple to
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: be sealed in marriage for time and eternity, like even
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: after this life. So there was that pressure that my
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: parents felt. I think it was awkward because you know,
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: those initial times when you're on the show of American
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: idolts like, that's how people portray you. I mean, to
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: this day, that's how people portray me. How the producers
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: chose to highlight my life, to set up my interviews,
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: and how they edited what I said. You know, they
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: and they can paint you in an ugly light too
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: if they wanted. But they wanted me to be the
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: you know, one of the underdogs that people rooted for.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: But in the end too, it's like they paint however
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: the millions of people perceive you, and so you kind
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: of feel like, oh, I guess I have to keep
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: up with this image that they want me to be.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: Yes, one hundred percent understandable. Did you feel like that
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: person that they painted was an accurate depiction of you?
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: They wanted me to be more energetic than I was.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: They wanted me to be more excited than I was. Like,
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: they wanted me to look like I was so happy
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: to be there, and I just almost didn't care, Like
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: I didn't express that I cared like it was exciting
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: to be there, but at the same time, I didn't
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: want to be there as much as a lot of
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: other people did.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Have you uncovered why why you felt that way?
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of it had to do with
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: that my dad wanted it so bad for me that
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: I almost felt like I had no space for me
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: to have to care have an opinion.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: Someone else that you love and trust and depend on
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: is so so so excited and you don't match their
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: their level. That's got to be a weird feeling.
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: It was, especially because it was me that was there,
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: and so the producer like sometimes they'd be like, oh,
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: like I was like, I got my golden ticket. I'm like,
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: oh my gosh, yeah, I got it. Because they I
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: knew they wanted me to be excited, and they're like, hey,
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: that was Hey, can we actually do that again? Can
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: you walk out again and act more excited like and
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: like try and throw your hands up in the air
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: and like shout. And I was like okay, but I
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: was like, did you do it? I did?
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you told it, okay.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and they used it, but I was like, okay, yeah,
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: I'm like I don't want to. I don't want people
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: to think I'm more ecstatic and like this is my
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: everything when I don't feel that way. But I also
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: felt like I had to act it because the producers
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: wanted me to, because if I didn't, then they'd be like,
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: we needed to do that again, and that's more painful.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: That's more painful than just doing it the first time,
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: having to recreate something that's just not in you.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, exactly for the camera for the Yeah. So
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: it felt a little un like I didn't feel like
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: I could be genuine because I couldn't be myself fully.
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: But I was trying. I was trying, but I think
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: also people saw. I think what they found in endearing
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: about me was that I was trying. But I was
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: so awkward in trying to do it. I was shy
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: being in front of everyone. It was like, I don't
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: really want to be here, but I feel like I'm
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: expected to, and I have a lot of people counting
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: on me to here, like the producers and my dad
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: and my like my hometown, and so I'm like okay,
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: and I think people found it enteering how uncomfortable and
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: awkward I was up there. So I look at it
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: in the suite and dary inside, but I think I
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: also look at it like I was really, you know
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: under behind the scenes, was very stressed out because of
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: the family stuff going on, the dynamic with my dad,
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: and also just having to be in front of everyone.
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: Before I felt ready to be in front of people.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: I didn't feel like I was ready for attention yet
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: because I felt like I still needed time to figure
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: out who I was, and I just felt like I
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: never got that chance. And being a Mormon, I wasn't
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: allowed to break rules. So, you know, I feel like
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: other artists have like the rebellious phase, like Miley, I
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: was just we were just at the Cyrus fun and
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: like a Demi Levado justin Bieber.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: People kind of taking risks and learning who they are
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: as artists but also who they are as people.
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but because I was so devout to my faith,
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: I didn't feel like I could break rules. I'm like,
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: I'm not allowed to if anything. When they were in
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: the rebellious phase and like partying I went and I
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: went on a two year Mormon mission. So I feel
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: like part of me was a little bit a little
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: bitter that I didn't get to break out of that
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: and discover who I was. And a big part of
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: that was like figuring out my sexuality. But you know,
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: my beliefs didn't allow me to do that either. You know,
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: you weren't allowed to, Like, even if you think you
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: have those feelings, don't just don't do to think about it.
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: Keep praying that God changes to heal you, heals you
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: to change and get rid of those feelings. So I
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: think it was very It's very difficult for me to
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: be in front of everyone when it's like I know
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: im like, I know there's something about me that you know,
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: I might be gay or you.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: Know, queer, something feels different.
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I don't. But I'm not ready to process
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: that myself, like I and I wish I could have
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: a moment to do that, but I just never got
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: that moment because of the combination of being in the
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: spotlight and then being in the church. Because I felt
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: like if I wasn't in the spotlight but still in
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: the church, I could have done things and no one
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: would have cared because no one was really watching me.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: But like the mark now is like a magnifying class
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: for everyone in my church, in my community, Like those
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: are all the people I knew, So if I if
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: I did something bad, everyone would talk about it and
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: be like, how dare you? You should know better because
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: Mormons keep each other in check.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: Right, And you're also like probably seen as a spokesperson
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: for the church itself, which is a really unfair position
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: for you to be put in.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was a lot of pressure, and they would
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: use me as an example like this is how to
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: be a Mormon, and this is see how happy he is.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: Like the church can make you happy too, and if
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: you if you follow the rules like David does, you
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: can be blessed the way he is as well, which
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: is kind of a bit odd.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: And a little manipula. Yeah, yeah, I have a question.
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: You said. You said something that made me wonder if
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: you were able to call the shots at that time
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: in your life, would you have not done the show
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: or left the show mid series.
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't have gone as far as I would have
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: as I did. My dad also was That's what was
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: complicated about it as well, which is why it made
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: it messy, messy. It's like there was well, you know,
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: trying to stay to the church, trying to make the
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: producers happy. I was. I was a people pleaser, and
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: that was that was my quest of unlearning how to
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: not be such a people pleaser in in the book
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: and in my book. And but my dad was intense.
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: If I disagreed with him, that just wasn't an option.
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: If I just if I disagreed, then it's like, well
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: then you need to we need to sit down and
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: you need to understand why I'm right and why you're wrong.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: And I love those conversations.
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: They're either the best, the best, especially when they last
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: hours because you don't want to give in, and they
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: they won't quit, They'll they wear you down, exhaust rate you.
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: You refer to you describe your father as a relentless
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: stage dad who controlled every aspect of your career.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, at first I was I beat around the bush
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: more with it by I didn't want to call him
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: a stage dad. I didn't want to call him relentless.
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to talk about how difficulty was. So
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: I was like, you know what, I'll let you come
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: up to your own conclusion. And let me just get
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: these experiences. But my book, I was like way past
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: my word count and they're like, you need to cut
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: this book in like half. So I was like, okay,
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: I can be more direct. I can be more direct,
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: and so I to just call it for what conclusions.
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: I was like, Okay, everyone's coming to this conclusion, I
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: just say it. But I just didn't want my dad
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: to feel like I was calling him names, because I yeah,
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: but in the end, it's like, Dad, you did do
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: this and this was how you were and it was
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: really exhausting. And so I I think my dad was
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: just he had it like an addiction, and it was
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: to me and my career, and it was also his
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: escape from all the family problems that he didn't want
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: to confront. So instead of dealing with the problems, he
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: felt like we're on unsalvagable with his family situation, like
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: he couldn't save his family. I think he just kind
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: of tuned out and was like, I'm going to put
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: all my focus and attention on David in his career
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: and make him a star.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: After the book came out, what happened? How did it go?
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: When he read his book? Like, how did it go
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: yeah with dad and with the family.
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: Oh. I have not spoken to my dad since the
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: book has come out. I was on pretty good terms
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: with him before the book, like we had found like
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: a good space where there were good boundaries and he
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: expected my boundaries, which I never thought would happened. But
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: it took it took him like fifteen years to respect
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: my boundaries and we're finally there somewat somewhat, and I
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: had I people can It was like, People Magazine wants
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: a quote from your dad. And I was like, uh,
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: let me talk to him because I don't know. I'm
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: just like I don't want to look I don't want
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: to feel like a coward where it's like, Okay, People
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: Magazine can reach out to my dad, but I'm gonna
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: I'm too. I don't have the balls to speak to
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: him about Hey, just you know, this is what the
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: book talks about. And so I called him. I said, Hey,
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: People magazine wants a quote from you, and just so
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: you know, they want to know about I'm like, did
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: I talk about in my book or from my experience
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: and my perspective what I experienced during my time with you,
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: you know, during you know, point a point b of life.
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: It was abuse. It was verbal and emotional abuse, not physical.
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: My dad wasn't physical with me. But I was like,
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: you know, I talk about it and they it's my
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: life and you're a big part of it. And a
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: lot of it was messy, but I I I'm glad
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: at where we ended up, and I'm happy to see
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: where you have landed and that you've been able to
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: heal as well. But it was, Yeah, he didn't. He
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: didn't like it. Of course, you know, who would Why
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: would he want Why would he be thrilled about me
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: talking about Yeah? And and he gave his perspective. He's like,
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: you know, to me, it was an abuse, and to me,
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: I'm like, that's fine. I'm like, but he also just invented.
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: He was venting a lot to me because he felt
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: like it was unfair how our relationship ended up. And
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: so for me, I'm like, well, you know, it's okay
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: to not have to validate everything he says. I don't
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: have to agree with what everything he says, and I
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: don't have to go along with the conversation the way
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: he wants it to be because he wants me to
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: apologize and say no, everything was fine, and the way
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: you treated me, there was no issues, and I'm like, well,
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna I'm not going to pretend like all
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: that didn't happen.
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I'm so I'm cheering for you inside
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: right now because I know how hard it is to
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: break away from your parents like that, especially in a
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: religion that teaches you about the importance of family and
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: that being just everything. This conversation has been so good.
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: I need to talk more to you, so we're going
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: to continue this in part two with David Archiletta.