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79. Understanding coercive control (Part 1): Why most professionals miss it · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever sat across from a lawyer, mediator, or report writer and tried to explain what you're experiencing only to hear something like Hm, sounds like I conflict or you both need to communicate better.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or can't you just put your differences aside for the children?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: While you're sitting there thinking uh you're missing it.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't conflict, this is control and it's harming my kids.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you're right, they are missing it.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're going to unpack exactly why and more importantly what you can do about it.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Danielle Black, and this is the Post Separation Abuse Podcast.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Before we begin, a quick note.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Everything I share here is education, research and strategic insight, not legal advice.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it's important to note that coercive control can be perpetrated by any gender.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: In my practice and in the research the majority of perpetrators are men, but it can occur in any family constellation.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Also, if at any point this episode feels activating or triggering for you, please pause, take a moment, step away, and come back when you're feeling more grounded.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: This feels heavy because it is.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I know after two decades of lived experience with coercive control and working with hundreds of protective parents.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: The Australian family law system is systematically failing to identify coercive control.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because they are not trained for this.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: They're applying frameworks designed for normal separation conflict to situations that involve systematic abuse.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's like using a map of Sydney to try and navigate Melbourne.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: The map in and of itself isn't necessarily wrong, but it's just completely inappropriate for the terrain that you're actually dealing with.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And your kids are paying the price.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Every single week I work with protective parents who tell me variations of similar stories.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: A lawyer saying, just focus on what we can prove in court.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Let's not get caught up in the controlling behaviour.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Has there been any physical harm?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: The mediator says you both need to be more flexible.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Co parenting requires compromise.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: The report writer said this appears to be a high conflict dynamic with both parties contributing to communication difficulties.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: What they're all missing is that one parent is systematically controlling the other and using the children as tools, and children are also being directly harmed.
• 2:39
  unknown: Dr.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Julie Blake at the University of Queensland has done groundbreaking research proving what protective parents already know, that coercive control is routinely misidentified or watered down in Australian family reports.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Even when the evidence clearly shows systematic surveillance, isolation tactics, degradation and humiliation, control through children, and fear-based compliance, report writers regularly call it quote communication difficulties or quote high conflict dynamics.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they want children to be harmed, but because they simply don't have the training to see what they're looking at.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: When coercive control is mislabeled as quote high conflict, dangerous things can happen.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: There can be recommendations for children to spend significant time with a parent who is systematically controlling them.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Protective parents can be told to quote communicate better when communication isn't the problem.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Power is.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Courts focused on reducing quote conflict when the conflict is actually just one person trying to resist control.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And children miss out on the safety, attunement, and protection that they desperately need.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: On top of all of this, protective parents are left feeling crazy, unheard, and deeply powerless.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Professor Evan Stark, the world's leading expert on coercive control, defines it as a liberty crime, not anger management problems, not poor communication, not conflict.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rather, a systematic campaign to erode a person's autonomy, credibility, and freedom.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the critical piece that Dr.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Blake's research adds, quote, coercive control is not just an adult relationship issue, it is a parenting issue.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: This reframing changes everything.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because if professionals see coercive control as an adult issue, they completely miss how children are being used, shaped and harmed within the pattern.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: And here's something important that we need to say out loud.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: None of this requires physical violence.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: The harm comes from control, instability, fear, and psychological pressure.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what the family law system gets so catastrophically wrong.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's primarily designed to respond to incidents.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: So did X happen on X date?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: What evidence is there?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Can this specific event be proven?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: But coercive control is a pattern, not isolated incidents.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: One example is on november fifteenth he asked where I was taking the kids for the weekend.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Alone?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: That looks really harmless.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Reasonable.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe a little intrusive, but probably nothing worth documenting.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: But when you map the pattern, November fifteenth asked where we were going.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: November seventeen demanded a full itinerary for local travel.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: November twenty showed up unexpectedly at a school activity.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: November twenty three told Child to report back.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: November twenty seven questioned teacher about our whereabouts.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: December two sent eight messages demanding specific location updates.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: December five told Child that we need his quote permission to go places.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now what you're looking at is escalating monitoring, surveillance, using the child as a reporting tool, and creating learned helplessness.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is coercive control.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it disappears completely if you only look at individual incidents.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: This is what most professionals, even those who understand coercive control, dynamics between adults, often miss entirely.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Children are not just witnesses, they are often forced participants in the dynamic, used as tools, leverage weapons, emotional regulators, sources of compliance, and extensions of the controlling parents' needs.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: In my over 20 years of experience, and this includes more than a decade of post separation coercive control, it's not called the post separation abuse podcast for nothing.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Along with hundreds of cases coaching protective parents, I've identified seven patterns of coercive control directed at children.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: One is conditional love and approval.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Two triangulation and divided loyalties.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Three undermining your parental authority four fear and intimidation five parentification six isolation from you and your support system seven gaslighting and reality distortion.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Each pattern has specific red flags, developmental impacts, documentation requirements, and all of them can be profoundly damaging.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Please believe me when I say you are not crazy.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you felt like you're trying to explain the ocean to someone who's only ever seen a puddle, this is why.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're seeing the pattern, they're looking for incidents.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Your perception is accurate, your kids' distress is real, your protective instincts are spot on.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is that the system doesn't yet have the frameworks to see what you're seeing.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: After surviving coercive control myself for more than a decade after separation, and then supporting hundreds of protective parents, I realized something.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: There was no comprehensive resource that explained coercive control with the precision required for post separation dynamics.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: There was no comprehensive resource that showed how it operates towards kids, or that teaches parents how to document patterns and not just incidents.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or provides frameworks for presenting this to professionals.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: There was nothing that integrated research with strategy.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And there was nothing that was specific to Australian protective parents.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I did what I do.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I built it.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: In the post separation parenting blueprint, there is a new module dedicated to coercive control.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: And can I say that professionally this is one of the best things that I have created?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the most powerful modules in the postseparation blueprint.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: It includes six detailed lessons, including Professor Stark's Liberty Crime Framework, Dr.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Blake's Australian Research, the Seven Patterns Towards Children, Strategic Documentation Advice, How to Present Patterns to Lawyers, Report Writers, and others, the difference between consent versus coerced compliance, and how to integrate this with other things in the blueprint.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's big but it's easily digestible.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's practical and it's evidence-based.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why anyone who engages with Danielle Black coaching starts with the blueprint.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Think of it like this The blueprint is your map and coaching is your guide.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Most parents need the map first because once you can see the pattern, you can document it.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Once you can document it, you can present it.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where your power really starts to grow.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where coaching can often be most effective.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: But don't buy the blueprint yet.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: This might sound strange, but if you're thinking about joining the blueprint, please wait.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Black Friday is coming.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: From Friday, November 28 until midnight, Friday, December 12, you'll receive$300 off the post-separation parenting blueprint plus four months complementary access to AI Danielle.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Think ChatGPT, but trained on my frameworks, my strategies, my language, my approach, my coaching.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's a calm, evidence-based extension of me in your pocket available 24-7.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: One of my clients, when we were chatting about this, actually called it Danielle in my pocket.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: AI Daniel is designed to help with refining co-parenting messages, identifying patterns, documentation strategies, self-regulation in triggering moments, and applying blueprint principles on the go.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: During Black Friday, so for Danielle Black Coaching, the dates that we've set for that are again Friday, November 28 to Friday, December 12.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Anyone who purchases access to the blueprint during that time frame gets$300 off the blueprint price plus four months complementary access to the beta version of AI Daniel.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now for anyone who has already purchased access to the blueprint, you're not going to miss out.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: You will also have four months of complimentary access to AI Danielle and any of my current coaching clients who are listening to this.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Anyone working with me or with Trudy via a coaching package also gets access to AI Danielle.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: For all of our current coaching package clients, there's going to be more information for you about this, so please don't worry, we haven't forgotten you.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I want you to take away from today's episode.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're not crazy, you're not imagining it, you're not overreacting.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: The pattern is real, the harm to your children is real, and the system's blindness is real.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: The blindness of individual professionals is real.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not isolated, it's not rare, it's common.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Most post separation professionals don't understand coercive control, and of the ones that do understand the dynamics between adults, most don't understand the way in which it directly harms children.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I want you to know that you are not powerless.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: When you learn to see the pattern, to document strategically and present those patterns clearly, you can go from confused to being clear, from reactive to strategic, from unheard to being able to advocate effectively, and from powerless to being able to build a compelling case.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not because the system suddenly is going to understand coercive control, but because you can become the expert in your own case.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: So what are your next steps?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: This week?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to part two of this episode when it drops.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Mark Black Friday on your calendar if you have not yet purchased the post separation parenting blueprint.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Start noticing patterns in your situation, not incidents, and begin your shift away from reactive to strategic.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not doing this work because I read about it in a book.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: I lived it, I survived it, I've studied it, and I have walked hundreds of parents through it.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Protective parents trust me and Trudy because honestly, we're a bit battle toughened.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: We know where the landmines are.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: We know the paths that lead nowhere and that are a waste of your time.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: And we know what actually works.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: The blueprint is the map that we both wish that we had had.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: In the next episode, we're going deeper into the seven patterns of coercive control directed at children, along with some real examples, some red flags, and some more documentation frameworks.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is essential knowledge for every protective parent.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for your time.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'll look forward to chatting with you again soon.