Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / What Messy Bedrooms Really Teach Our Teens

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What Messy Bedrooms Really Teach Our Teens · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: A couple of months ago, I pretty much swore off
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  Speaker 1: social media. I've always had a mixed relationship with it,
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  Speaker 1: but I struggle with how antagonistic social media can be.
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  Speaker 1: People share things that they think are going to be
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  Speaker 1: wholesome and uplifting and positive and helpful, and every now
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  Speaker 1: and again, well not every now and again, on a daily, minutely,
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  Speaker 1: hourly basis. Whatever, there's controversy, there's provocation. Stay with us.
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  Speaker 1: Hello is doctor Justin Colson. Welcome to the Happy Family Podcast.
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  Speaker 1: I'm here with missus Happy Families, my wife and mum
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  Speaker 1: to our six kids, Kylie. Today we're going to be
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  Speaker 1: the voice of reason. There's a post from somebody called
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  Speaker 1: Shannon Taki. She's a mom of five, she has triplets,
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  Speaker 1: and she shared this video on Instagram and Facebook showing
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  Speaker 1: how she makes her son's bed and picks up his clothes,
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  Speaker 1: and people had feelings about it. So the text overlay
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  Speaker 1: on the video while she's tiding up his bedroom says this,
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  Speaker 1: I started doing this every morning for my teenager, not
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  Speaker 1: because he won't do it, because I do everything for him,
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  Speaker 1: but because teenagers are now growing up in a very
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  Speaker 1: strange and complicated world, and I want him to feel
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  Speaker 1: at peace when he comes home and there's this spick
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  Speaker 1: and span, spotless room just in, I guess, because she
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  Speaker 1: anticipated that there might be some backlash. She also added
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  Speaker 1: this in her caption for the photo. She said, he
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  Speaker 1: has his own chores and has been taught his entire
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  Speaker 1: life to clean up after himself. But when he's getting
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  Speaker 1: himself up early in the mornings and rushing off to school,
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  Speaker 1: this is something I've come to enjoy doing for him.
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  Speaker 1: This way, when he gets home, he can get his
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  Speaker 1: homework done in his room and just relax. There's plenty
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  Speaker 1: of other things Austin helps with around the house, and
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  Speaker 1: I can only imagine what it's like being a teenager
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  Speaker 1: in today's world. It is my job to make my
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  Speaker 1: children feel at peace. So if it's picking up a
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  Speaker 1: few pieces of clothes or making his bed, then I'm
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  Speaker 1: more than happy to do it for him. And I
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  Speaker 1: read that and I just thought this is so wholesome.
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  Speaker 1: Isn't that great? But not everybody felt the same way.
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  Speaker 1: What's your reaction when you see something like that?
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  Speaker 2: Whole heap of feelings there? The first thing is it
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  Speaker 2: interests me what people feel they should share on socials well,
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  Speaker 2: there's that, But secondly, why everybody has to have an
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  Speaker 2: opinion And if we know that people are going to
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  Speaker 2: have an opinion about it, then we can't really get
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  Speaker 2: upset if we pose something and people have a different
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  Speaker 2: opinion to ours.
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  Speaker 1: Well, in fairness to Shannon Taki, I'm not sure that
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  Speaker 1: she was upset, and I'm sure that she probably expected it,
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  Speaker 1: but I guess I don't really want to talk about
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  Speaker 1: her and the I mean, the feedback was huge. It
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  Speaker 1: was extreme on both ends, right, some people saying, you're
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  Speaker 1: enabling your son, You're teaching him gender roles, He's going
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  Speaker 1: to expect his wife to pick up after him as well.
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  Speaker 1: And then there are people at the other end saying
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  Speaker 1: good on your mum, like this is a really kind
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  Speaker 1: and sweet thing to do, and kids are carrying a lot,
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  Speaker 1: and I mean, there was just so much warmth as well.
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  Speaker 2: And that's how I feel about it. I just I
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  Speaker 2: think that's the difference between you and I. When it
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  Speaker 2: comes to social I don't actually read any of the comments.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not interested in what other people's opinion is about
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  Speaker 2: somebody's posts.
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  Speaker 1: If I ever get back on to social media, I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to stop reading comments completely.
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  Speaker 2: I just don't.
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  Speaker 1: I'll share my thing and it can blow up, and
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  Speaker 1: I'll just walk away. I'll be the rock walking away
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  Speaker 1: from the warehouse that just exploded. After I've destroyed the enemy.
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  Speaker 1: Just walk away. Don't even look back over my shoulder.
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  Speaker 1: Oh there's a firewhere it didn't even notice.
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  Speaker 2: Mother to mother, heart to heart, I love that she's
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  Speaker 2: actually thought about why she does what she does, and
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  Speaker 2: that her actions are guided by love. I know, on
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  Speaker 2: the other hand.
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  Speaker 1: I don't think her actions. Well, maybe they got it
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  Speaker 1: by love. She certainly said that I reckon her actions
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  Speaker 1: so guided by I want a clean house.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I was just about to say, I, on the
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  Speaker 2: other hand, a guided by the fact that I need
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  Speaker 2: to have a clean house. So the reality is I
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  Speaker 2: don't do it every day. But when the children's rooms
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  Speaker 2: get to a point where I cannot walk in there
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  Speaker 2: and feel calm and peaceful, I will get in there
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  Speaker 2: and I will clean it. But just like she said,
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  Speaker 2: the kids don't have the same level of I want
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  Speaker 2: to say, perception and understanding, because when I have conversations
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  Speaker 2: with our children, specifically about what it feels like to
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  Speaker 2: walk into a clean home, they can absolutely, absolutely tell
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  Speaker 2: me how nice it is and how calming it is,
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  Speaker 2: and how peaceful, and how it just feels so good
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  Speaker 2: to come home to. But in their own space, they
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  Speaker 2: haven't yet worked that out. They just think it's all
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  Speaker 2: of their stuff, and so they find comfort in their stuff.
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  Speaker 2: But when they come home and their room is clean,
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  Speaker 2: they love it, and they will tell me that they
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  Speaker 2: love it.
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  Speaker 1: We have a daughter who gets up very very early
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  Speaker 1: every morning. She's off to a class before school, like,
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  Speaker 1: she's out of the house at six am, and often
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  Speaker 1: you will spend some time in her room making it
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  Speaker 1: tidy so that when she comes home the room's tidy.
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  Speaker 1: And that doesn't enable her, that doesn't make her take
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  Speaker 1: it for it's just the reality that she's not going
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  Speaker 1: to get up early enough that she can pull her
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  Speaker 1: whole bedroom together and have it reset before she starts
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  Speaker 1: the day. For you, it's important you like the house
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  Speaker 1: being clean and tidy, and so that's what you do.
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  Speaker 1: So there's a social media aspect, Kylie, where people have
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  Speaker 1: outrage and people share their opinions. What I'm interested in
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  Speaker 1: is having a productive conversation about kids and chores and
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  Speaker 1: their contribution around the house. What actually matters and to me,
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  Speaker 1: there are two things that are really key here. The
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  Speaker 1: first is do our children express and experience gratitude for
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  Speaker 1: the things that parents do? Do they have a win?
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  Speaker 1: Are they able to recognize that Mum or dad or
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  Speaker 1: their care are going out of the way to cook
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  Speaker 1: a meal or drive them somewhere or do all those
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  Speaker 1: things that need to be done for me. That's vital
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  Speaker 1: and as parents, it's our job to help them to
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  Speaker 1: do that in a way that isn't overbearing, and also
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  Speaker 1: in a way that recognizes the Developmentally, kids will just
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  Speaker 1: take it for granted and are not supposed to recognize
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  Speaker 1: and see everything that we're doing. The second thing is
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  Speaker 1: getting their contribution, making sure that they're having a go.
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  Speaker 1: And while they don't necessarily do the things that we
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  Speaker 1: want them to do all the time, like they're not
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  Speaker 1: cleaning the room, for example, what are they doing in
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  Speaker 1: the living room or in the yard, or in the
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  Speaker 1: kitchen or.
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  Speaker 2: They have regular chores where they are actually contributing to
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  Speaker 2: the house. Is this part of their daily schedule?
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  Speaker 1: That's exactly what I'm getting at. Yeah, And it sounds
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  Speaker 1: like in this case certainly that's what's going on. There's
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  Speaker 1: this gendered element that comes into it as well. And
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  Speaker 1: I get that, but I also think that as you
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  Speaker 1: get older and you find yourself in a relationship. Let's
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  Speaker 1: assume that this boy grows up and he finds himself
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  Speaker 1: a girl. Because all the conversations were about him and
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  Speaker 1: his future wife. There's going to be a division of
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  Speaker 1: labor in the home. Not everybody is going to do everything.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe they'll do a perfect fifty to fifty. You clean
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  Speaker 1: the bedroom Monday to Thursday, and I clean the bedroom
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  Speaker 1: from Friday to Saturday. I just I don't think Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
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  Speaker 1: I don't think that's going to happen what usually happened.
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  Speaker 2: But I don't think anyone wants that neither neither do I.
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  Speaker 2: The greatest contribution that I have experienced in my life
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  Speaker 2: is when somebody is willing to just work side.
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  Speaker 1: By side with me, right right, whether.
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  Speaker 2: That's you in an employment situation, there's a big thing
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  Speaker 2: that needs to happen, and just knowing that you've got
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  Speaker 2: teammates that are there beside you and you're working towards
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  Speaker 2: a common goal.
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  Speaker 1: Let's get up to our elbows in this and make
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  Speaker 1: it up. I love cleaning our bedroom with you. I
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  Speaker 1: really like making our bed with you. I just can't
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  Speaker 1: make it as well as you. But the other thing
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  Speaker 1: is there's going to be different people doing different things
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  Speaker 1: for work at different times. So maybe it just makes
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  Speaker 1: sense that one person does kin'd of look after the
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  Speaker 1: cleaning up of the bedroom and the living room in
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  Speaker 1: the kitchen, and the other person does look after the X,
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  Speaker 1: Y and Z. I think in these social media situations
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  Speaker 1: people get really really worried about the future, and unnecessarily so.
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  Speaker 1: And the best claim that I have on that is
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  Speaker 1: that when I look at our daughter Chanel, who is
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  Speaker 1: now in her mid twenties and is married with her
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  Speaker 1: own child.
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  Speaker 2: And could not keep a clean room she had she
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  Speaker 2: had the messiest room of all of our children.
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  Speaker 1: I think her room was messier than the other kids combined.
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  Speaker 1: And they're not tidy by any stretch. And now she's
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  Speaker 1: a wonderful a wonderful mum and homemaker and she really
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  Speaker 1: relishes having things in order. She's organized. It's like she
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  Speaker 1: figured it out, she worked it out, and with her
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  Speaker 1: husband Jared, they just make it work. I'm sure they
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  Speaker 1: have a little bit of conflict now and then around
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  Speaker 1: stuff who's not doing this, or who should be doing that?
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  Speaker 1: But as you get older, you work it out.
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  Speaker 2: As I've talked to mums over the years, the number
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  Speaker 2: one complaint that they have had is the acknowledgment that
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  Speaker 2: their partners are not contributors in the home, whether it
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  Speaker 2: be in the kitchen, cooking, or just doing the household
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  Speaker 2: chores to keep the house maintained and functioning. It's a
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  Speaker 2: really big challenge that so many couple's experience because there's
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  Speaker 2: this kind of I don't know, gendered expectation. Girls do
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  Speaker 2: the cleaning and boys do the earning.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, And maybe that's why I'm relaxed about it because
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  Speaker 1: in our situation that hasn't been the case, and we
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  Speaker 1: know many good families where people just pitch in and
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  Speaker 1: do what they need to do. When I his stories
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  Speaker 1: like that, it does worry me, and it also helps
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  Speaker 1: me to understand why some of those comments are saying
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  Speaker 1: what they're saying. But there's a way around this as well.
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  Speaker 1: The simple way around this is for us as a
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  Speaker 1: family to sit down and have a family meeting and explore.
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  Speaker 1: And we do this with our kids all the time.
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  Speaker 1: They get sick of the chores, they stop doing the chores.
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  Speaker 1: They start complaining, I hope feeding the dogs? What do
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  Speaker 1: os have to feed the dogs? And so we sit
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  Speaker 1: down on a Sunday, we pull out a treat or
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  Speaker 1: two and we say, all right, we need to talk
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  Speaker 1: about chores because we're having a little bit of conflict
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  Speaker 1: and it's not working. And then it's really simple, wear
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  Speaker 1: are you up to with the chores? What chores are
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  Speaker 1: you willing to do? How do you feel about this one,
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  Speaker 1: this one, and this one. Here's the thing we've all
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  Speaker 1: got to contribute, So what are we going to do?
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  Speaker 1: And it's an explore, explain in power conversation. It takes
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  Speaker 1: about ten or fifteen minutes the kids reading the chores,
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  Speaker 1: they decide that they're going to rotate who's feeding the
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  Speaker 1: dog and who's I don't know, vacuuming the floor or whatever.
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  Speaker 1: And within fifteen minutes they've got their new list of chores.
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  Speaker 1: And you and I both know that in three weeks
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  Speaker 1: time they're going to be complaining about the chores they've
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  Speaker 1: got and they hate them, and we're going to have
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  Speaker 1: to do it again. But that is the detail. The
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  Speaker 1: most important principle here is contribution, and everyone's contributing that's
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  Speaker 1: the conversation that you need to have.
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  Speaker 2: I saw a post the other day and a mum
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  Speaker 2: of six put up six things that she does to
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  Speaker 2: simplify her daily running of family life with six kids,
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  Speaker 2: and one of her points was the acknowledgment that she
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  Speaker 2: doesn't do a weekly chor chart. It's a yearly chorchut.
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  Speaker 2: I love that I don't have to remember who's doing
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  Speaker 2: what job because they're doing it for a whole year.
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  Speaker 1: Can you imagine the complaints about I mean, the main
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  Speaker 1: one is feeding the dog rock can we'd have to
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  Speaker 1: deal with like a less.
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  Speaker 2: Dog that everyone begged to have eleven and a.
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  Speaker 1: Half months of complaining I don't want to feed the
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  Speaker 1: dog again.
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  Speaker 2: But you also acknowledge that they perfect that job. By
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  Speaker 2: the time they've done it for twelve months, they have
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  Speaker 2: they've really really got it under wraps.
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  Speaker 1: All right. Explore what the kids feel about the chores
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  Speaker 1: and their contribution. Explained that the contribution needs to be
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  Speaker 1: made and empower the kids to come up with some chores, responsibilities, roles, tasks,
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  Speaker 1: jobs that they're willing to do as their contribution to
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  Speaker 1: the family. And by the way, if you want the
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  Speaker 1: kids to have a clean bedroom and they just can't
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  Speaker 1: get it done for any number of reasons. Do it yourself.
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  Speaker 1: It's okay, just don't post it on social media. The
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  Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
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  Speaker 1: Love you, Justin, Thanks so much for your help and
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: for more information about how to make your family happier,
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  Speaker 1: We'd love for you to visit us at happyfamilies dot
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  Speaker 1: com dot a