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10 Signs a Narcissist is Testing Your Loyalty and What God Has To Say About This! · Toxic Relationship Podcast

0:00
SPEAKER_01: Rachel's phone rang in the grocery store.
0:03
SPEAKER_01: She was debating expensive strawberries.
0:06
SPEAKER_01: They weren't worth it.
0:08
SPEAKER_01: But it had been a long week.
0:11
SPEAKER_01: Her boyfriend's name appeared.
0:14
SPEAKER_01: Hey, she said.
0:16
SPEAKER_01: I'm at the store.
0:18
SPEAKER_01: Need anything?
0:19
SPEAKER_01: A pause.
0:21
SPEAKER_01: You went to lunch with Emily today?
0:23
SPEAKER_01: Rachel glanced at the strawberries.
0:27
SPEAKER_01: Yes, I told you last week.
0:30
SPEAKER_01: I just think it's interesting you have time for her when I've had a hard week.
0:36
SPEAKER_01: Rachel's stomach tightened.
0:39
SPEAKER_01: She had spent three evenings comforting him, cancelled yoga, listened to a 45-minute rant about his co-worker.
0:49
SPEAKER_01: I didn't know you needed me this afternoon, she said.
0:53
SPEAKER_01: If you really cared, I wouldn't have to tell you.
0:57
SPEAKER_01: By checkout, she was apologizing for a turkey sandwich.
1:02
SPEAKER_01: She put the strawberries back.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: That story hits home for so many.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: I'm Pastor Jake O'Connell, and I'm glad to be here with Shannon.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: What Rachel experienced is a classic loyalty test, a situation designed to measure devotion by sacrificing your comfort, values, or relationships.
1:19
SPEAKER_00: It's exhausting because the finish line keeps moving.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: But God doesn't ask us to abandon truth, wisdom, or well-being to prove love.
1:28
SPEAKER_00: Let's unpack these signs together.
1:30
SPEAKER_02: Thanks, Jake.
1:31
SPEAKER_02: I'm Shannon Alder, author of the book The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible and Life Coach.
1:36
SPEAKER_02: Welcome to the Toxic Relationship Podcast.
1:39
SPEAKER_02: Before we dive in, make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel.
1:42
SPEAKER_02: It helps us reach more people who need this message.
1:45
SPEAKER_02: Today we're looking at 10 signs someone may be testing your loyalty and what scripture teaches about love, truth, and boundaries.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: Let's start with the first sign.
1:54
SPEAKER_00: They make you choose between them and someone you love.
1:57
SPEAKER_00: It might sound reasonable, your friend is a bad influence, but the pattern is always the same.
2:02
SPEAKER_00: You must give up someone important to prove devotion.
2:05
SPEAKER_00: Isolation rarely begins with a dramatic announcement.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: It starts with a sigh or a wounded expression whenever you mention plans with someone else.
2:14
SPEAKER_00: Proverbs 15, verse 22 says, without counsel purposes are disappointed, but in the multitude of counselors they are established.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to have people who love you and help you think clearly.
2:27
SPEAKER_02: That's a great point.
2:28
SPEAKER_02: A boundary might sound like, I care about our relationship and I'm also going to keep spending time with my friends and family.
2:36
SPEAKER_02: Now, sign two.
2:38
SPEAKER_02: They create a crisis whenever your attention goes elsewhere.
2:42
SPEAKER_02: You have a work presentation, your child's school performance, a friend's wedding, suddenly they have an emergency only you can solve.
2:50
SPEAKER_02: Real emergencies happen, but the pattern is that whenever something matters to you, their needs must immediately become more important.
2:58
SPEAKER_02: You may stop making plans altogether, because enjoying yourself becomes too expensive emotionally.
3:04
SPEAKER_00: Philippians 2, verse 4 says, look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
3:11
SPEAKER_00: Christian care is not meant to flow in only one direction.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: Your needs, responsibilities, and relationships matter too.
3:18
SPEAKER_00: A boundary might sound like, I'm sorry you're having a difficult day.
3:21
SPEAKER_00: I can talk after my appointment.
3:23
SPEAKER_00: If someone threatens to harm themselves when you cannot respond immediately, take it seriously and contact emergency services.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to become their only crisis support.
3:34
SPEAKER_01: Sign three, they punish you for saying no.
3:38
SPEAKER_01: You say no to lending money, changing plans, sharing a private conversation, or something that makes you uncomfortable.
3:45
SPEAKER_01: Suddenly they become cold, sarcastic, angry, or distant.
3:51
SPEAKER_01: They might sigh dramatically or announce they'll never ask you for anything again.
3:56
SPEAKER_01: The message is if you want peace, you must say yes.
4:00
SPEAKER_01: Over time, you become less concerned with what you want and more concerned with preventing their reaction.
4:07
SPEAKER_00: Jesus said in Matthew chapter 5, verse 37, but let your communication be yay, yay, nay, nay.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: Honesty matters.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: You don't need to say yes when the truthful answer is no.
4:21
SPEAKER_00: A healthy person may feel disappointed by your boundary, but they're still responsible for how they handle that disappointment.
4:27
SPEAKER_00: A boundary might sound like, I understand you're disappointed.
4:31
SPEAKER_00: My answer is still no.
4:33
SPEAKER_00: You don't need a 20-page legal brief explaining why you can't attend their cousin's neighbor's birthday dinner.
4:39
SPEAKER_02: Sign 4.
4:40
SPEAKER_02: They demand you take their side, even when they're wrong.
4:44
SPEAKER_02: Everyone wants support, but there's a difference between standing beside someone and abandoning your own judgment.
4:50
SPEAKER_02: They may expect you to agree in every conflict.
4:53
SPEAKER_02: If they insult a waiter, you're supposed to say the waiter deserved it.
4:58
SPEAKER_02: If they lie, you back up the story.
5:00
SPEAKER_02: When you gently disagree, they say, you never have my back.
5:05
SPEAKER_02: But real loyalty doesn't require dishonesty.
5:08
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes the most loving thing is to tell the truth.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: Truth and love belong together.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: Telling someone I care about you, but I don't think that was fair, is not betrayal.
5:24
SPEAKER_00: A boundary might sound like, I love you and I'm willing to listen, I'm not willing to say something I don't believe is true.
5:32
SPEAKER_00: This is where I gently challenge us.
5:34
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we confuse peacekeeping with peacemaking.
5:37
SPEAKER_00: Peacemaking requires honesty, not agreement at all costs.
5:41
SPEAKER_01: That's a good challenge.
5:43
SPEAKER_01: Sign five.
5:44
SPEAKER_01: They ask you to keep secrets that make you uncomfortable.
5:48
SPEAKER_01: Some secrets protect privacy, like a surprise party.
5:52
SPEAKER_01: Others protect harmful behavior.
5:54
SPEAKER_01: They might say, what happens in this house stays in this house, or, if you talk to anyone, you're betraying me.
6:02
SPEAKER_01: You may begin to believe that seeking support is disloyal, but silence can leave you alone with a situation that's becoming more confusing or frightening.
6:11
SPEAKER_00: Proverbs 11, verse 14 says, where no counsel is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to speak with a trusted friend, pastor, counselor, or advocate about what you're experiencing.
6:26
SPEAKER_00: Telling the truth to get support is not gossip.
6:30
SPEAKER_00: A boundary might sound like I'm allowed to talk with someone I trust about what is happening and how it affects me.
6:36
SPEAKER_00: If you believe someone monitors your phone, consider using a safer device or speaking privately.
6:42
SPEAKER_02: Sign 6.
6:43
SPEAKER_02: They use jealousy to measure your devotion.
6:45
SPEAKER_02: At first, jealousy can be mistaken for passion.
6:49
SPEAKER_02: He just loves me so much.
6:50
SPEAKER_02: But love doesn't become healthier when one person must constantly prove they've done nothing wrong.
6:56
SPEAKER_02: They may question your interactions, accuse you of flirting because you were friendly to a cashier, or demand access to your phone, passwords, location, and private messages.
7:07
SPEAKER_02: You may spend hours defending an innocent conversation.
7:10
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes they deliberately make you jealous, then watch your reaction.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: A boundary might sound like, I'm willing to discuss concerns respectfully, but I won't participate in repeated accusations or give up my privacy to prove my loyalty.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: Love is not a contest you can never win.
7:40
SPEAKER_02: Sign 7.
7:41
SPEAKER_02: They move the finish line every time you try to please them.
7:44
SPEAKER_02: You stop seeing the friend they dislike, then they complain about your sister.
7:48
SPEAKER_02: You spend more evenings at home, then they say you don't seem enthusiastic enough.
7:53
SPEAKER_02: You apologize, then they insist your apology wasn't sincere because you didn't use the right tone.
7:59
SPEAKER_02: You may think, if I can just figure out what they need, everything will be peaceful.
8:04
SPEAKER_02: But the problem isn't your failure to understand, it's that your constant effort gives them power.
8:11
SPEAKER_00: Matthew 11, verse 28 says, Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
8:19
SPEAKER_00: Jesus' invitation is especially comforting when you're worn down by trying to earn peace.
8:25
SPEAKER_00: Bring your exhaustion to Him.
8:26
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to solve another person's every emotion before you're worthy of rest.
8:31
SPEAKER_00: A boundary might sound like, I've listened to your concern and considered what I can do.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to keep defending myself against changing expectations.
8:40
SPEAKER_01: Sign 8.
8:41
SPEAKER_01: They give you the silent treatment until you chase them.
8:44
SPEAKER_01: After a disagreement, they stop speaking to you, not to cool down, but to punish.
8:50
SPEAKER_01: They ignore your texts, refuse to answer questions, or walk past you as though you're invisible.
8:56
SPEAKER_01: You ask what's wrong and hear nothing.
9:01
SPEAKER_01: You ask if they want to talk and hear, if you don't know what you did, I'm not going to tell you.
9:08
SPEAKER_01: Now you're expected to investigate the crime, identify the suspects, apologize, and offer emotional compensation, all without being told what happened.
9:18
SPEAKER_00: Ephesians 4, verse 31 says, Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and evil speaking be put away from you.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: Healthy communication makes room for honesty and repair.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: You can't force another person to communicate, but you can decide not to chase them endlessly.
9:36
SPEAKER_00: A boundary might sound like, I'm willing to talk when you're ready to have a respectful conversation, I'm going to continue with my day.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: Their silence may feel uncomfortable, but discomfort doesn't always mean you've done something wrong.
9:49
SPEAKER_01: Sign 9.
9:50
SPEAKER_01: They use faith, forgiveness, or scripture to pressure you.
9:54
SPEAKER_01: For Christian women, this can be especially painful because it reaches into something sacred.
10:00
SPEAKER_01: They might say, if you were a godly woman, you would forgive me and stop bringing this up.
10:05
SPEAKER_01: Or, the Bible says you have to honor me, or, God hates divorce, so you can never leave.
10:12
SPEAKER_01: These statements can make you wonder whether setting a boundary means disobeying God.
10:18
SPEAKER_01: It does not.
10:19
SPEAKER_01: Scripture should never be used as a weapon to excuse cruelty or silence someone who is afraid.
10:25
SPEAKER_00: Jesus said in John 7, verse 24, Judge, not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: You can seek God's wisdom about what is happening, rather than accepting someone else's use of scripture as the final word.
10:39
SPEAKER_00: A wise pastor or Christian counselor should listen carefully, take your concerns seriously, and help you consider safety, not simply tell you to endure mistreatment in silence.
10:49
SPEAKER_00: A boundary might sound like, my faith matters to me, and I won't accept scripture being used to pressure me into ignoring harmful behavior.
10:56
SPEAKER_01: Sign 10.
10:58
SPEAKER_01: They expect you to prove your loyalty by betraying yourself.
11:04
SPEAKER_01: This is often the deepest test.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: You may be asked to give up your values, your voice, your financial independence, your friendships, your parenting decisions, or your sense of what is true.
11:20
SPEAKER_01: Perhaps you're expected to laugh at jokes that humiliate you, overlook lies, accept repeated disrespect, or stay quiet when your children are hurt.
11:32
SPEAKER_01: Eventually the question becomes: how much of myself am I expected to surrender to keep this relationship?
11:40
SPEAKER_01: Love can require compromise, but a relationship where only one person must continually disappear is not mutual care.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: Jesus taught in Matthew 22, verse 39, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: Your neighbor matters.
11:57
SPEAKER_00: You matter too.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: Caring for others doesn't require you to treat yourself as though your voice, health, and safety have no value.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: A boundary might sound like, I care about you, but I'm not willing to go against my values or ignore what I need in order to prove it.
12:11
SPEAKER_00: This is the heart of it.
12:12
SPEAKER_00: God's love is not something you earn by allowing another person to diminish you.
12:17
SPEAKER_02: Now, how can you tell the difference between insecurity and control?
12:21
SPEAKER_02: A person can feel insecure and still treat you with respect.
12:25
SPEAKER_02: They might say, I've been feeling disconnected.
12:28
SPEAKER_02: Could we spend some time together this week?
12:31
SPEAKER_02: They can hear your answer and work with you.
12:34
SPEAKER_02: Controlling behavior looks different.
12:37
SPEAKER_02: The person may insist their feelings are your responsibility to fix, reject reasonable reassurance, punish your independence, or demand you prove yourself repeatedly.
12:47
SPEAKER_02: Ask yourself, can I say no without being punished?
12:51
SPEAKER_02: Am I allowed to have relationships and interests outside this one?
12:54
SPEAKER_02: Do I feel free to tell the truth about my life?
12:57
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to label someone a narcissist to take your answer seriously.
13:01
SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to respond to harmful behavior, even when you don't know what diagnosis, if any, the other person has.
13:08
SPEAKER_00: Consider how Jesus treated people who were burdened and ashamed, he saw people others dismissed, he spoke with compassion, he valued truth.
13:16
SPEAKER_00: He didn't teach that love requires pretending evil is good.
13:19
SPEAKER_00: When a woman who had been suffering touched his garment in Mark 5, he stopped, listened, and called her, daughter.
13:27
SPEAKER_00: Your worth does not depend on another person's approval.
13:31
SPEAKER_02: What should you do when someone tests your loyalty?
13:34
SPEAKER_02: Start by noticing the pattern.
13:36
SPEAKER_02: You don't need to confront every situation immediately, especially if doing so could put you at risk.
13:42
SPEAKER_02: When it's safe, try these steps.
13:44
SPEAKER_02: Name what's happening to yourself.
13:46
SPEAKER_02: I'm being asked to cancel my plans to prove I care.
13:50
SPEAKER_02: Pause before agreeing.
13:52
SPEAKER_02: Choose one clear boundary.
13:54
SPEAKER_02: Notice the response.
13:55
SPEAKER_02: Disappointment is human, but punishment, threats, and intimidation deserve attention.
14:01
SPEAKER_02: Talk to someone trustworthy.
14:04
SPEAKER_02: Consider your safety.
14:05
SPEAKER_02: If the person has threatened or monitored you, seek support before announcing changes that could increase your risk.
14:12
SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are not magic words that make a controlling person behave differently.
14:16
SPEAKER_00: They help you identify what you will do to care for yourself.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: If setting a boundary leads to threats or fear, you deserve support as you decide what to do next.
14:26
SPEAKER_00: James 1, verse 5 says, if any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God that giveth to all men liberally.
14:34
SPEAKER_00: You can pray for wisdom and seek help from trustworthy people.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: Those things belong together, you don't have to keep taking the test.
14:42
SPEAKER_01: That's so very practical.
14:45
SPEAKER_01: I want to emphasize that boundaries are not about controlling the other person.
14:50
SPEAKER_01: They're about controlling yourself.
14:52
SPEAKER_01: You can't force someone to respect your boundary, but you can decide what you will do if they don't.
14:59
SPEAKER_01: For example, if they yell at you, you can say, I'm going to take a break, and we can talk when voices are calm.
15:08
SPEAKER_01: Then you actually take the break.
15:10
SPEAKER_01: It's not a threat, it's a consequence.
15:13
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
15:14
SPEAKER_00: And remember, you don't have to announce every boundary in a big speech.
15:19
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, a simple, calm statement is just enough.
15:22
SPEAKER_00: Jesus often withdrew to lonely places to pray.
15:25
SPEAKER_00: He modeled healthy limits.
15:27
SPEAKER_00: You can follow his example by stepping away from toxic interactions without guilt.
15:31
SPEAKER_00: Your peace is truly worth protecting.
15:34
SPEAKER_00: Proverbs 4, verse 23 says, Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life.
15:41
SPEAKER_00: Guarding your heart is not selfish.
15:43
SPEAKER_00: It's wise.
15:44
SPEAKER_02: Let's return to Rachel.
15:46
SPEAKER_02: She eventually bought strawberries again, not because strawberries changed her life, although a good strawberry can make a persuasive argument.
15:54
SPEAKER_02: She bought them because she began noticing how often she gave up small things to manage someone else's feelings.
16:00
SPEAKER_02: A lunch.
16:02
SPEAKER_02: A friendship.
16:07
SPEAKER_02: Her confidence.
16:08
SPEAKER_02: The changes didn't happen overnight.
16:11
SPEAKER_02: She talked with a trusted friend.
16:13
SPEAKER_02: She prayed.
16:14
SPEAKER_02: She practiced saying, I need to think about that.
16:18
SPEAKER_02: Instead of automatically apologizing.
16:21
SPEAKER_02: Little by little she recognized that love should not require passing a new test every day.
16:26
SPEAKER_00: If you recognize yourself in these signs, be gentle with yourself.
16:31
SPEAKER_00: You may have been trying to keep the peace with the tools you had.
16:35
SPEAKER_00: Learning a new way takes time, and you don't have to do it alone.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: Let's pray together.
16:42
SPEAKER_00: Heavenly Father, thank you for seeing me clearly, even when I feel confused or unsure of myself.
16:48
SPEAKER_00: Help me recognize the difference between loving someone and losing myself to keep them happy.
16:53
SPEAKER_00: Give me wisdom to see harmful patterns, courage to speak truth, and strength to set boundaries where they are needed.
16:59
SPEAKER_00: Lead me to trustworthy people who will listen and help me make wise decisions.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: Remind me that my worth comes from you, not from passing someone else's tests.
17:09
SPEAKER_00: Bring peace to my heart and guide me one step at a time.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: In Jesus' name, Amen.
17:14
SPEAKER_02: Thank you, Jake.
17:15
SPEAKER_02: That prayer is a beautiful way to close.
17:17
SPEAKER_02: Before we go, remember, God's love is not something you earn by allowing another person to diminish you.
17:23
SPEAKER_02: You can love others while also telling the truth, seeking wisdom, and taking steps toward safety and peace.
17:30
SPEAKER_02: If this episode encouraged you, please subscribe to the Toxic Relationship Podcast on YouTube.
17:35
SPEAKER_02: You can also search for Shannon Alder on YouTube and visit ShannonAlder.com.
17:41
SPEAKER_02: Share this with someone who needs it.
17:43
SPEAKER_02: Until next time, walk in truth and grace.
17:46
SPEAKER_02: Goodbye.