Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1074 - R U OK: Tips For Parents

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#1074 - R U OK: Tips For Parents · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers Now.
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  Speaker 2: One of the things that I'm most proud of, most
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  Speaker 2: recently is my ambassadorship with are You Okay. You've all
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  Speaker 2: heard of are You Okay?
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  Speaker 1: Day?
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  Speaker 2: Everyone knows what it is, and people ask the question
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  Speaker 2: all the time are You Okay? Following the tragic loss
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  Speaker 2: of my nephew late last year, on November six, I
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  Speaker 2: reached out to a couple of organizations that I think
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  Speaker 2: do incredibly good work, valuable work in the mental health space.
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  Speaker 2: Are You Okay was one of those organizations, and since
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  Speaker 2: then I've been able to participate in advisory board work
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  Speaker 2: and be an ambassador for what I think is a wonderful,
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  Speaker 2: wonderful organization. Well this week, this Thursday, the twelfth of September,
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  Speaker 2: are You Okay holding their National Day of Action ahead
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  Speaker 2: of Mental Health Awareness Month next month, joining me to
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  Speaker 2: talk about the whole are You Okay? Thing, how it
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  Speaker 2: applies to us as adults, how it applies to our kids,
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  Speaker 2: whether we should be asking them if they're okay, and
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  Speaker 2: whether they should be asking their friends if they're okay.
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  Speaker 2: Is Hannah Brown, doctor Hannah Brown is the campaign manager
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  Speaker 2: for Education and Young People Are You Okay. In her role,
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  Speaker 2: Hannah leads strategy and campaign execution to drive national awareness
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  Speaker 2: and engagement with are You Okay? It all sounds so fancy,
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  Speaker 2: doesn't it? In schools, universities and tastes. Through meeting young
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  Speaker 2: people where they're at, Hannah strives to provide young people
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  Speaker 2: with the knowledge, the skills and the confidence to have
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  Speaker 2: are You Okay conversations and decrease the stigma around mental health.
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  Speaker 2: Hannah's PhD came from the University of Newcastle. She's worked
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  Speaker 2: in academia, research and teaching at that university And Hannah,
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  Speaker 2: where does this conversation find you today?
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  Speaker 1: I am working from home in Newcastle, so again an
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  Speaker 1: apologies if you can hear my dogs barking away in
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  Speaker 1: the background, but working from home lives.
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  Speaker 2: And then they are right on Q. All done. I
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  Speaker 2: used to live in Newcastle. I spent a lot of
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  Speaker 2: time as radio announcer at NXFM and I just love
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  Speaker 2: Newcastle in an absolutely fabulous spot. Okay, let's dive into this.
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  Speaker 2: What does aook do?
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  Speaker 1: So? Are You Okay? Is a charity with the mission
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  Speaker 1: to get everyone having more conversations to check in with
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  Speaker 1: each other to see how they're doing. So it's all
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  Speaker 1: about what we can do to help our friends, our classmates,
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  Speaker 1: and our family to get through tough times. We want
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  Speaker 1: to provide a shoallenge with the skills and confidence to
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  Speaker 1: check in on and support each other.
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  Speaker 2: Hanna, when you say that, one of the things that
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  Speaker 2: I hear all the time. When Auoka comes up as
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  Speaker 2: broad and as bold as the mission is, people consistently say, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: but Aoka Day is one day a year. Surely we're
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  Speaker 2: supposed to be asking Auoka more often than that. How
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  Speaker 2: does Auoka as an organization respond to this criticism? Because
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  Speaker 2: I'm sure you've heard it at least once.
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  Speaker 1: I have. I've heard it many times. In fact, when
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  Speaker 1: I started this in this role about a year ago,
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  Speaker 1: I had multiple family members ask, well, so what do
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  Speaker 1: you do the rest of the year, Like you know,
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  Speaker 1: once a UK days over, what do you do the
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  Speaker 1: rest of the year. Do you just kind of sit
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  Speaker 1: there and wait until next September just.
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  Speaker 2: Hope everyone's okay, just hope that they're all right.
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  Speaker 1: No, but we do work all throughout the year. And
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  Speaker 1: it's a valid conversation because we we're encouraging people to
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  Speaker 1: have these conversations. And our theme for this year is
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  Speaker 1: actually ask are UK any Day? So we're encouraging people.
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  Speaker 1: You know, you don't have to wait until the twelfth
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  Speaker 1: of September to ask someone. You can ask them whenever,
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  Speaker 1: any day, And that's what we want to be doing.
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  Speaker 1: We want to be providing people with the skills and
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  Speaker 1: the confidence to have these conversations whenever they come up
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  Speaker 1: in life, because you know, we all have struggles and
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  Speaker 1: we all go through our ups and downs, So yeah,
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  Speaker 1: any day it can really be the day to have
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  Speaker 1: an IUOK conversation.
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  Speaker 2: And what of the other regular criticisms that I hear
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  Speaker 2: when it comes to auoka day or are you okay?
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  Speaker 2: Just to concept is that quite often we'll see somebody
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  Speaker 2: that don't look like they're doing all right. We can
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  Speaker 2: quite clearly see that they're not, and when we say, hey,
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  Speaker 2: are you okay, there's no response although I say no, no,
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  Speaker 2: I'm fine, I'm just I'm having a bit of a
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  Speaker 2: rough day, but I'm fine. How do we help people
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  Speaker 2: to have better are you okay? Conversations when so often
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  Speaker 2: we are pushed away and told them none know everything's
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  Speaker 2: all right.
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  Speaker 1: It's such a good question, and it's one that I've
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  Speaker 1: been asked when we've been out on the road during
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  Speaker 1: our conversation convoys. And this will happen because this might
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  Speaker 1: be the first time that someone has asked this person
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  Speaker 1: if they're okay, and they might be a little bit
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  Speaker 1: defensive or a little bit taken aback that someone's actually
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  Speaker 1: noticed and asked. So what I encourage people to do
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  Speaker 1: is to, as hard as it is to not let
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  Speaker 1: this be a barrier, to not let it be a barrier.
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  Speaker 1: Because if you ask someone I've noticed you're a little
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  Speaker 1: bit quieter than usual, or you know, you're turning up
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  Speaker 1: to school later, is everything okay, and they do say yeah, yeah, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I'm fine, they at least know that you're there to
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  Speaker 1: support them, so you know, they might not feel like
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  Speaker 1: talking to you today, but maybe next week they might say, oh, actually,
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  Speaker 1: you know how you asked me last week, I'm actually
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  Speaker 1: not okay. Because they know that you're there to support them,
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  Speaker 1: you notice the signs and they can come to you.
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  Speaker 1: So that's that's one kind of way I look at it.
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  Speaker 1: But also if they say yeah, I'm fine, I don't
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  Speaker 1: want to I don't want to talk about it. You
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  Speaker 1: can also ask if there's someone else who they would
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  Speaker 1: feel comfortable talking to, so that person might not be you,
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  Speaker 1: and you know, try not to get offended by that,
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  Speaker 1: but you can say, okay, like I completely understand you
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  Speaker 1: don't want to chat with me right now. Is there
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  Speaker 1: someone else I can get who you might want to
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  Speaker 1: have a chat with, you know, maybe maybe you're sibling,
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  Speaker 1: or maybe maybe a different friend.
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  Speaker 2: So I had that conversation before, Hannah, Like I've said
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  Speaker 2: to somebody, is everything all right? And they're like, oh, no, no,
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  Speaker 2: I'm fine. I'm like, well, I know you well enough
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  Speaker 2: to know that you're not actually one hundred percent like normal. Fine,
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  Speaker 2: if you don't talk to me, that's fine. Have you
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  Speaker 2: got someone you can chat with? Though? Like literally just
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  Speaker 2: saying have you got someone to chat with if things
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  Speaker 2: aren't good? That seems to just let people relax and
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  Speaker 2: go no, no, no, no, it's all good. I just I'm
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  Speaker 2: having a rough day. Or they might say actually, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: maybe I should.
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  Speaker 1: Actually exactly, and and to the first point, it just
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  Speaker 1: really reiterates that you know, you're someone that they can
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  Speaker 1: turn to if they decide, you know, a few days
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  Speaker 1: later that they are ready to open up. They know
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  Speaker 1: that you're a friend and that you'll support them.
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  Speaker 2: I'm speaking with doctor Hannah Brown from are You Okay?
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  Speaker 2: In just a sec we're going to talk about where
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  Speaker 2: the kids should be asking one another if they're okay,
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  Speaker 2: especially since they're not therapists, and what they should be
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  Speaker 2: looking out for. It's the Happy Family's podcast. Doctor Hannah
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  Speaker 2: Brown from Are You Okay joins me on The Happy
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  Speaker 2: Families podcast today. Hannah, we've been speaking about where are
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  Speaker 2: You Okay? Has come from, how we're supposed to be
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  Speaker 2: asking this question all the time, and what we can
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  Speaker 2: do when somebody is actually not okay, or if they're
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  Speaker 2: not telling us that they're not okay, but we can
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  Speaker 2: see that they're not okay. Okay, you know what I'm saying.
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  Speaker 2: I thought that was so funny. Thanks for no one
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  Speaker 2: can see your smile, but they can hear you laugh.
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  Speaker 2: That's all the matters, all right, Very good. I know
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  Speaker 2: this is kind of my domain expertise, but I'd really
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  Speaker 2: love to know from an aook organizational perspective, what advice
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  Speaker 2: do you give to parents when they're dealing with a
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  Speaker 2: child who doesn't seem to be okay. Do you sit
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  Speaker 2: down with your child and say, hey, are you okay?
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  Speaker 2: You sit down and say have noticed you don't seem
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  Speaker 2: to be okay? How does that conversation unfold from a
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  Speaker 2: parent's perspective?
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  Speaker 1: For different people, we have these conversations in different ways
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  Speaker 1: depending on our relationship to them. So yeah, a parent
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  Speaker 1: talking to a child will look a little bit different
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  Speaker 1: to a child talking to another child. But yeah, definitely
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  Speaker 1: sit down with them. Make sure that you do pick
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  Speaker 1: your moments so you're not rushing out the door to
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  Speaker 1: go to work or you know, you're not trying to
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  Speaker 1: get them on the bus, like, You've picked a moment
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  Speaker 1: where you both have time, you can both sit together.
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  Speaker 1: You can use the notice ask model, so this is
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  Speaker 1: where you say, look, I've noticed and then you know
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  Speaker 1: a change in behavior, whether it's notice you've been a
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  Speaker 1: bit quiet lately, Well you know, I noticed you haven't
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  Speaker 1: been playing with your friends? Is everything okay? You know
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  Speaker 1: what's been happening. We say that the four steps are
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  Speaker 1: actually called alec so A L E C and they
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  Speaker 1: stand for ask, listen, encourage, action and check in. So
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  Speaker 1: we've just done the first step of asking, and yeah,
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  Speaker 1: you don't have to say the exact words of are
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  Speaker 1: you okay, because that is quite a closed, closed off question,
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  Speaker 1: but asking you in your way. You know, especially a
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  Speaker 1: parent talking to a child, they know their child better
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  Speaker 1: than anyone, so asking in a way that really works
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  Speaker 1: for them. So it might be yeah, as I said,
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  Speaker 1: the notice ass model, you know what's been happening at
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  Speaker 1: school lately, like what's what's been happening with your friends,
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  Speaker 1: and then just giving the child a chance to talk
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  Speaker 1: to you. So that's obviously the elder listened step, and
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  Speaker 1: as I said, picking a time where you have the
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  Speaker 1: time to actually talk and listen and you know you're
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  Speaker 1: not being distracted by your phone or TV or anything
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  Speaker 1: like that. But also encouraging parents that it might seem
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  Speaker 1: like they might have to have the solution as a parent,
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  Speaker 1: but oftentimes kids just want to talk and they just
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  Speaker 1: want to be listened to. So not having the stress
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  Speaker 1: of oh my gosh, my kid's going through this, what
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  Speaker 1: can I do to help them? Just giving them that space.
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  Speaker 1: And then that goes into the third step, which is
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  Speaker 1: e so encourage action. And again this will change depending
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  Speaker 1: on the situation, depending on what's going on, but it
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  Speaker 1: might be working with your child to say, you know,
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  Speaker 1: what do you think would help in this situation, you know,
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  Speaker 1: whether it's having a problem with a friend or what
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  Speaker 1: do you think we could do? So working with your
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  Speaker 1: child to really come up with some ideas of how
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  Speaker 1: they can how they can work through their issues. And
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  Speaker 1: then that takes it to see. So the final step
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  Speaker 1: of check in, and this is so it might be
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  Speaker 1: a couple of days later or a week after this
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  Speaker 1: initial conversation, just checking in with your child. You know, hey,
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  Speaker 1: how is things going since since we had that conversation.
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  Speaker 1: You know, it just shows that it's not just a
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  Speaker 1: one off conversation, but you're there for the long haul.
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  Speaker 1: You know, you're there to support them. Asking if there's
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  Speaker 1: anything that you can do to help them?
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  Speaker 2: Alec ask Lison, encourage action and check in. Okay, let's
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  Speaker 2: just talk about kids for a sec Should children be
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  Speaker 2: asking each other if they're okay? And the main reason
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  Speaker 2: I asked this is because most children are not going
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  Speaker 2: to be equipped with the skills that they need to
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  Speaker 2: help somebody in any meaningful way if they're not okay.
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  Speaker 2: Having said that, many adults are not equipped with that either,
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  Speaker 2: And we do encourage adults to do that. Where does
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  Speaker 2: Auoka stand on kids asking their friends if they're okay?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, this is a great question, and working in the
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  Speaker 1: education space, it's a question I get asked quite frequently.
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  Speaker 1: But at our uka we say that, you know, it's
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  Speaker 1: all about learning how to be a kind and respectful
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  Speaker 1: friend or classmate or teammate, and that's an important life
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  Speaker 1: skill and it's important that they are learning it early.
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  Speaker 1: And it's not up to kids to fix a friend's problem.
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  Speaker 1: As I said before, you know, you don't have to
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  Speaker 1: fix someone's problem. They just have to listen and show
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  Speaker 1: their support. But they can notice, you know, if a
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  Speaker 1: friend is struggling, making the time to listen and encouraging
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  Speaker 1: them to speak to a trust an adult if they
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  Speaker 1: do need more support. And sometimes we find ourselves being
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  Speaker 1: the ones asking are you okay? Where's other times we
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  Speaker 1: find ourselves in need of being asked. So by teaching
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  Speaker 1: our children to ask are you okay and to look
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  Speaker 1: out for their friends, we're helping them build the skills
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  Speaker 1: for strong and trusting relationships throughout their life.
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  Speaker 2: Hannah really appreciate the conversation. I think there's so much
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  Speaker 2: value here. There will be some people who are listening
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  Speaker 2: who are honestly not okay. If that is the case,
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  Speaker 2: where would are You Okay? Recommend they reach out for help.
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  Speaker 1: There's some really great support services in Australia. So there's
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  Speaker 1: Kids Helpline and this is twenty four to seven, so
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  Speaker 1: you can go to the Kids' Helpline website or give
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  Speaker 1: them a call on one ant hundred five five one
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  Speaker 1: eight hundred. There's also parent Line, so there's a different
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  Speaker 1: parent line service in each state or territory, so you
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  Speaker 1: can actually visit Kids Helpline to find the parent Line
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  Speaker 1: in your area. There's also Lifeline thirteen eleven fourteen. I
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  Speaker 1: always encourage people to have the Lifeline number in their phone.
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  Speaker 1: You know, you just never know when you or someone
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  Speaker 1: you love might need that number. They also have a
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  Speaker 1: really great tech service as well, so if you don't
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  Speaker 1: feel like calling, you can send them a text. And
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  Speaker 1: then there's also thirteen yarn, so there's there's quite a
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  Speaker 1: few really great support services ready.
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  Speaker 2: Doctor Hannah Brown joins me from Newcastle. She is the
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  Speaker 2: campaign manager for Education and Young People at Are You Okay?
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  Speaker 2: Hannah some really important useful information ahead of Thursday's National
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  Speaker 2: Day of Action for Are You Okay? Thank you so
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  Speaker 2: much for joining on the Happy Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 1: Thanks for having me.
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  Speaker 2: We will link to as many resources as we can
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  Speaker 2: reasonably do so, at least in the show notes, so
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  Speaker 2: that you can have a conversation with your children loved
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  Speaker 2: ones about them being okay for Thursday's National Day of
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: Action Are You Okay Day. The Happy Families Podcast is
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  Speaker 2: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. More information about
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  Speaker 2: making your family happier is available at happy families dot
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  Speaker 2: com dot au.