Latest / Impact Ready / 112. Don't Begrudge the Darkness

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112. Don't Begrudge the Darkness · Impact Ready

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Welcome to Impact Ready, a show dedicated to helping you elevate
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your impact in the world. I'm Steph Safra, your host.
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Let's explore the power of showing up with intention and
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energy each day. This is for those who seek to
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make life truly meaningful. Get ready for impact.
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Hi team. Thanks for tuning into the
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Impact Ready Podcast today. 1 little announcement I wanted to
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make before diving into this episode.
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I just recently launched my newsletter that I would love for
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you to be a part of. It's called the Impact Effect.
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It's bimonthly, so it comes out twice a month and it's a little
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extra coaching, a little more inspiration for you to be
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connected to aside from the podcast and just another way to
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be able to connect and communicate.
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My goal with all of this stuff is to help you feel empowered
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and to have you stepping into the most impactful, powerful
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version of yourself. Because I, I think that if we
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are those versions of ourselves, things work out in our lives
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better. I think it allows us to be the
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creators of our life where we can design things that we dream
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of. And it does take a lot of
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reminders. For me, part of my scaffolding
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in my life is to surround myself with lots of of positive
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inspiration. It comes in the form of podcasts
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and books and music and newsletters.
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I sign up for a lot of stuff. I get a lot of positive
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affirmation, self development, growth and development stuff in
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my e-mail as well as showing up in my podcast library and my
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Audible library. So this is another way that I
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hope to be able to serve you and I would love to have you sign up
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for it. All you have to do is go to my
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website, steph@stephsaffer.com, and you can sign up for the
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Impact Effect newsletter. I'm so pumped about it and I
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can't wait to connect with you today.
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In this episode, what I want to talk about is this idea that we
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all go through pretty hard, challenging times at different
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seasons of our lives and the fact that when we're going
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through those times, it can be a bit lonely and a bit isolating
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and just emotionally very challenging.
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It can just, it could be a very lonely time and this is not a
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unique human experience. We all go through it.
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It's fairly universal. We're all going to have the
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challenge and the hardship and I don't begrudge any of that.
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I think it's actually really necessary for so many reasons
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that we have those moments. I think that life is all about
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contrast, and there's a lot of beautiful moments and there is a
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lot of dark moments. One of my clients said to me one
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time, the bigger the dark, the bigger the light, and I
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completely understood what she was saying because it is the
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contrast between the two that really allow you to see the
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beauty. If everything was great all the
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time, we would lose our reverence for the greatness.
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We wouldn't honor it as much because we wouldn't recognize
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how beautiful it was, how magnificent it was.
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We have to have that contrast, that yin and Yang as we think
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about it in Chinese medicine. And it's just part of the human
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experience. It's part of the natural world.
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But all that being said, going through seasons where you are in
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hardship, where you are dealing with something really emotional,
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maybe you've lost a loved one or a child, maybe you are
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struggling with infertility, you're going through big
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financial crisis, maybe a divorce.
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There's so many different things that can create this myriad of
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difficult, challenging emotions. When you're going through stuff
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like that, it can be very lonely and it can be very isolating.
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And within this episode, I think the main sentiment that I wanted
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to explore is this idea of how do we not begrudge the darkness?
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How do we not resent the hardship?
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How can we honor the challenge? Because I think something that
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so many of us understand, especially if you're here
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listening to this podcast, is that the challenges that we go
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through are the things that shape us.
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So often when we look back on our lives and we reflect on the
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things that we've been through, there's so much that we wouldn't
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change. We wouldn't want it to be
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different because we recognize that we are who we are today as
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a result of all of that stuff that we've been through.
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And I've been thinking about this a lot lately.
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Obviously, I think anytime you're going through your own
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personal process of dealing with anything challenging, it makes
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you reflect. And so here I am reflecting, and
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I wanted to open up the conversation about it.
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There's something that my mom said to me when I was younger.
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I was probably a teenager when she said this to me at the time,
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but we were having a conversation one day about
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grief. I was asking her what it was
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like for her to go through a process of grief.
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My dad passed away from acute myelogenous leukemia when I was
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seven years old, so my mom was around 34.
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All of a sudden, my mom had A5 and A7 year old and a house and
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no job and my dad had just passed away.
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Her best friend, somebody she was thinking she was going to
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build a long life with. And all of a sudden she was
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alone by herself, dealing with picking up the remains of her
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life and putting everything back together again in the midst of
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being in deep, tremendous grief and fear and unknown.
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And I was asking her about it. I was saying, how did you deal
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with being in that position at such a young age?
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I mean, I remember when I was 34 years old, my wife was going
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through her own breast cancer treatment and I was feeling like
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we were way too young to be dealing with all this.
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It was too much. It was too hard.
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I, I didn't feel like I had the tools or that I was equipped to
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be handling all this. But she was describing how in
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the 1st three to six months after something like this
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happened, something grave, something traumatic, something
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big like losing a spouse, The first three to six months, she
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said. I just felt like my brain was
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numb, like I couldn't take in all the information at once.
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I was sort of going through the motions on autopilot, and slowly
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over time, I was starting to process what had happened.
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But for that first three to six months, I was just going, she's
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like, I barely remember what was happening during that period of
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time. I knew there were a lot of
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people around me supporting me, but it's a blur and you're
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really just trying to survive at that point amongst all of these
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emotions and feelings and shock of losing somebody and having to
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carry on normal life and routine as if nothing had happened.
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She said it's after the first six months that you really need
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to check on your people. And I asked her what she meant
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by that. And she said after the dust
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settles, after that first six months passes, people start to
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go back to their normal lives and all that support starts to
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sort of dissipate. And it's a natural process.
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People have to go back to their lives.
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They have their own things going on, and so they're not going to
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be thinking about me as much. But it was after those first six
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months that I felt like I was really alone.
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And that was the time where I started to process what had
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really happened. And I've never forgotten that
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piece of advice that she gave me.
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Check on your people six months to a year after the event
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because that is when you are so often left alone to start doing
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your own work. That's when the support starts
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to go away. The time when people have gone
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back to their lives and it is us.
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It is we who remain to sift through what's in front of us
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and decide what we're going to do with it.
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I've actually done this so many times in my life with patients
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and clients and friends, people who have gone through hard
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times. I've made intentions to check in
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with these people 3-6 months, nine months, a year down the
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line to check in with them and just say, hey, how are you
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doing? This probably feels like a
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lonely, scary time to you, and it does for so many people.
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It can feel lonely and scary to confront our own selves in this
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way, to be processing all the feelings, the fear, the grief,
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the unknown, the self doubt, the worry, all the ways that we've
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been broken apart and maybe are now tasked to put ourselves back
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together. It is a tremendous amount of
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internal work that is happening in that period of time and many
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people have referred to this as shadow work.
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It's, it's the work that's done internally inside to confront
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our inner demons or emotions or those feelings that we shove
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away, maybe the ego, maybe the depths of despair or just the
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parts of ourselves that we don't willingly show to the world.
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You know, the stuff that we don't share on social media.
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My coach calls it dark work. He refers to it as this work
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that you do in the dark, the work that people might never
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see, but it's so that you can shine in the light.
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And it's so true. It's so true.
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It it is work that is so often hidden, that is so often ours to
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carry alone. And it can feel very lonely.
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It can feel very lonely in the shadow work or dark work or
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isolated quiet times. But the more I look at the
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experiences in my life, and those are the people that I've
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had the honor of caring for in my work, it's clear that this is
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often ours to carry. Some of this work can only be
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done alone. It's wonderful and necessary to
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have the support of other people when we are going through hard
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times. It's a big part of what I call
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scaffolding. The things that hold us up when
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we're going through a challenge, when we're going through life
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storms. The support and the love of our
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community is absolutely life giving.
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But a lot of the growth and the healing when something happens
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in our lives has to happen alone because other people can't do it
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for us. They can't be in our heads and
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our hearts, navigating the feelings that we're having or
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the thoughts that we're thinking, the things that are
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going through our head. We are the ones who have to
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decide how are we going to respond to this hardship?
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We are the ones who have to choose the story that we want to
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tell about our life. Is this thing that's happening
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to me, is it going to shape me or is it going to take me down?
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Am I going to be pissed off and resentful and rail against the
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world, or am I going to look for the lessons or surrender
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control? Will I let it be my expansion,
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my growth? This isn't work that other
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people can do for us, and it's not sexy work.
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It's not exciting. We might not ever get credit for
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it or accolades for it. I mean, help.
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Most people will never even know or see this type of work that we
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do until they see us as a different version of ourselves
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years down the line. But isn't this the stuff that
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really changes us? Isn't this the work that leads
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to transformation? I think it is.
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It's in my darkest moments, looking back, that I've had to
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confront my shadowy self. It is my deepest moments of
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sadness that I've had to figure out what I truly believe about
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myself and the world. Who do I want to be?
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What am I willing to sacrifice? How much am I willing to
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tolerate? All those questions have gone
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through my mind before. I've shared this story in the
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past, but when Leanne was going through her breast cancer
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treatments back in 2018, we were newly married.
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We were married for less than a year.
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We were under tremendous stress, extremely worried about her
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health. She was really going through it.
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It was a hard time for our family.
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It was a hard time for us as a couple.
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We had been married for six months when she was diagnosed,
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and we were still trying to work out how to be in a marriage in a
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home with two little kids. My stepdaughters were five and
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seven. It was a lot to run a household
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and both trying to be working. We were teaching spin at the
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time. We both had separate jobs.
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I was also launching a business in that moment of time.
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We were so in it. And I remember I used to go on
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walks around our little neighborhood blocks, just kind
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of circle the streets around there.
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And I would just be walking up and down these streets just sort
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of feeling like I was trying to survive.
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And I remember in those moments I was feeling very lonely.
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I was feeling very isolated. I was very sad.
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We were just dealing with so much and I didn't really have
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the tools. I wasn't equipped.
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And I I just felt shocked by what was happening to us.
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Many times I'd find this little dead end corner and I would sit
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on the curb and I would just cry and I'd sit there for 30 minutes
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sometimes. So often I would do this that I,
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I remember like I, I knew all the little orange wildflowers
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that were poking up through the cement in that corner.
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I can still picture the, the Moss around the storm drain and
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the different cracks and the curves because I sat there so
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many days and I would just let it all flow out until I felt
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empty. And, and then I'd walk the 5
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minutes back home and do it again the next couple days.
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But those were the moments that helped me sort myself out in
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reflection. Those were the moments that led
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me to seek my own truth. And yes, there was a lot of
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heaviness. There was probably, I would call
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it darkness, whatever you want to call it, sadness, grief,
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fear, all of that. But there was also discovery.
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It was those curbside sessions that I had to do by myself.
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I had to do that alone, where I came to understand deeper layers
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of who I was and who I wanted to be.
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And haven't you been there? Haven't you had those moments
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where you felt truly, utterly alone in your fear or your
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sadness? And then out of nowhere, you
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might have felt this little flicker of a flame of some truth
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that you didn't realize, even just a little sentiment.
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It could be something like, oh, maybe I don't have to fight this
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fight anymore. Maybe I don't have to control
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this thing like I've been trying to do.
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Maybe I'm stronger than I thought.
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Maybe I'm done with this relationship.
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Maybe I need to change my heart to this thing.
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It's like this little flicker of truth that you start to to see
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and feel and it grows. And those are the experiences
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that change you, that that inform you, that shape you into
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who you want to be and, and just tell you like, Oh my God, you're
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capable of doing this. And it's those moments that
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facilitate our evolution and our expansion.
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We can't begrudge the darkness, we can't begrudge the loneliness
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or the isolation. And in reality, I don't feel
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like we're ever truly alone. Whatever it is that you believe
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in, whether it's God or universe or source energy or angels, I
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truly don't believe that we are ever alone.
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And I think part of this process, part of this looking
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within and learning and growing during those periods of shadowy,
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dark, quiet work, I think it's part of our remembering.
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It's helping us understand that we aren't alone, that we are
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whole and incapable and resilient.
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And that's part of the lesson of being on this earth.
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We have to lean in and embrace that sometimes it's our work
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alone to do. That work that we feel alone in
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doing is actually the work that tells us that we are not alone.
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There might be dark shadowy corners of the mind that we all
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have and they can only be sorted out by us.
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We are the only ones who have that internal flashlight to
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illuminate them. In honesty, I'm facing some of
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these shadowy corners of my own mind in this season of my life.
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And while I have incredible support, wonderful community
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around me, and it is so helpful, it is such an important part of
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my scaffolding. It is life giving to me.
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There is some of this that I can recognize that only I can
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navigate the fears and the doubts and insecurities and the
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stuff that keeps me awake at night.
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Those are my lessons to learn. That is my work to do, my truths
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to discover. And I've been reminding myself
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of this throughout the last few months and leaning into that.
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The work that I have to do alone is what is going to help me
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understand that I'm not truly alone.
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That I am whole, that I'm capable, that I'm resourceful,
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that I'm connected to something bigger than myself.
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I truly believe that, and this is work that you can do too, you
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are stronger than you think you are.
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It's probably stronger than you will ever really know because we
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don't always get pushed to our limits.
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But my hope in this conversation and probably more conversations
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to follow about this topic, my hope is that we can remember
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that this solo quiet work that we have to do, it doesn't have
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to be scary, that we are capable, that we are strong
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enough to do it. It is the stuff that will lead
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to our growth and that growth will create the life that we
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want. And as we navigate to the other
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side, there are so many beautiful rewards, so many
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beautiful rewards to this work. We just have to stay with it.
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We don't have to begrudge the darkness.
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We can honor it. We can have a reverence for it,
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and we can know that it serves a purpose just like so many other
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things in our life. Do I?
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I hope that this conversation serves you.
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I, I don't feel like I can say this perfectly yet.
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I'm still in the throes of understanding it to greater
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depths myself, but I want to have these conversations in full
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transparency before it's all figured out and polished.
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I want there to be a little bit of the messy and the
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imperfection so that we can all just show our humanness.
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So I appreciate you being here and listening.
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I hope that I see you sign up for that newsletter so that we
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can stay in touch. And as always, team, thank you
17:50
for being ready to Impact. Thanks for listening to Impact
17:53
Ready. I hope today's episode inspired
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you to own your impact and recognize that you are powerful.
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By elevating our energy and awareness, we can create
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exponential change in this life. If you enjoyed today's insights,
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share them with a friend and subscribe to the show for more.
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I truly appreciate you. Thanks again for being here.