Latest / The Parenting Podcast / More Than Memories: The Quiet Power of Family Traditions | Ep. 205

Transcript

More Than Memories: The Quiet Power of Family Traditions | Ep. 205 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:00
  Cheryl: We're just living out our values.
• 0:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 0:02
  Cheryl: not The tradition.
• 0:06
  Speaker: we started a conversation a while back about traditions and why they matter so deeply in family life, and there was still more worth saying.
• 0:16
  Speaker: So today we're simply picking that thread back up, talking not just about holiday traditions, but looking a little more closely at what traditions actually do in a family.
• 0:29
  Speaker: And why over time they seem to matter more than we expect.
• 0:43
  Christie: Well friends, were back with, yeah, Andrea Soltani and Joanne Crawford.
• 0:49
  Christie: Hello.
• 0:49
  Christie: Hello back here.
• 0:49
  Christie: Hello.
• 0:50
  Christie: Thank you for coming
• 0:50
  0: back in.
• 0:51
  0: Thanks for having me.
• 0:53
  Christie: And we just had too much fun talking about
• 0:55
  Christie (2): traditions previously, That we wanted to Yeah, talk about'em some more.
• 0:59
  Christie (2): And um, I think today we really wanted.
• 1:02
  Christie (2): Get into sharing some of the things that we do in our families, some of the things that we grew up doing, and, and just springboard from those, um, those traditions that we have in, in our own lives and talk about the reasons why we carry those on.
• 1:17
  Carol: Andrea's, our resident, um, researcher,
• 1:20
  Andrea: millennial researcher,
• 1:22
  Cheryl: I'd read about it too.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: Studies show traditions build something very deep in our children and in our families, and let's see it's identity
• 1:31
  Carol: Emotional closeness
• 1:33
  Andrea: was another one that they found belonging.
• 1:35
  Andrea: Belonging.
• 1:35
  Andrea: Security.
• 1:36
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 1:37
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 1:37
  Andrea: Now security I think comes more from the everyday routine.
• 1:41
  Andrea: Routine, okay.
• 1:41
  Andrea: Of like, I go to school every morning and then I have a bedtime routine and every, we a Wednesday we do this and every That makes sense.
• 1:48
  Andrea: Sunday we go to church or whatever it is you do.
• 1:51
  Andrea: Right.
• 1:52
  Andrea: Um, and
• 1:52
  Carol: Right.
• 1:53
  Carol: So
• 1:53
  Andrea: that would be routine, but traditions would be things that you do on special occasions, okay?
• 1:58
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 1:58
  Andrea: So like for holidays, um, maybe it's back to
• 2:02
  0: school.
• 2:03
  Andrea: Back to school, right?
• 2:05
  Andrea: You know, Halloween or Christmas, Thanksgiving season, celebrating birthdays.
• 2:10
  Andrea: Yeah, that's a good one.
• 2:10
  Andrea: Birthdays.
• 2:11
  Andrea: Um, so those are special things.
• 2:13
  Andrea: So they're repeated.
• 2:15
  Andrea: Events, but they're special events.
• 2:17
  Andrea: Mm.
• 2:17
  Andrea: Where you're slowing down to do something different outside of that every day in day out routine.
• 2:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:23
  Cheryl: So, like Christy said,
• 2:24
  Carol: previously, we processed that Kind of we need to put our values and the pros and cons and the struggles we have.
• 2:30
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 2:31
  Carol: So now tell me are you more of a spontaneous tradition person or?
• 2:37
  Carol: A strong, no, we've always done it this way and I'm gonna do it this way again.
• 2:42
  Joanne: Well, um, I could say both and I can say some of the ones that have become ones that we do all the time, happen very spontaneously or organically.
• 2:52
  Joanne: Um, can I give an example with that?
• 2:54
  Joanne: Yeah, I would love it.
• 2:54
  Joanne: Okay.
• 2:55
  Joanne: So, um, one of the things we like to do, especially during Christmas time, is find a way that we can serve with our family.
• 3:02
  Joanne: So.
• 3:03
  Joanne: For years we have gone and, uh, wrapped presents
• 3:06
  0: with this one organization for, uh, underprivileged children.
• 3:10
  Joanne: Uhhuh,
• 3:10
  0: Wow.
• 3:11
  0: And so it's something we've done for years.
• 3:12
  0: Sweet.
• 3:12
  0: I love.
• 3:13
  0: And when we started doing it years and years ago when our kids were little, uh, the warehouse where it was located was right next door to a Cracker Barrel.
• 3:20
  0: So we just naturally went and ate at Cracker Barrel after we wrapped the presents.
• 3:26
  0: And, um, anyways, fast forward a few years and their warehouse moved locations, and my husband and I just decided we would go to the nearest restaurant after we got the wrapping and our kids protested very fiercely Like, no, we.
• 3:41
  0: Eat that Cracker Barrel after.
• 3:43
  0: Oh.
• 3:44
  0: So we had to find, you know, a barrel, barrel, barrel drive across town.
• 3:49
  0: And even to this day now, wow.
• 3:52
  0: And your kids are nearly grown.
• 3:54
  0: They still want to do that?
• 3:55
  0: Yeah, definitely.
• 3:56
  0: Yeah.
• 3:56
  0: Young adults and teens.
• 3:57
  0: I love it.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: Me, I, as I'm listening, I can see, look at the strength of the tradition.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:04
  Cheryl: And that.
• 4:05
  Cheryl: We've talked about how we want to play our values out through our traditions, but let'em be fun.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:10
  Cheryl: And look what she's done.
• 4:11
  Cheryl: That giving, serving.
• 4:14
  Cheryl: Unentitled work.
• 4:16
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:16
  Cheryl: Linked strongly to Cracker Barrel, right.
• 4:20
  Cheryl: By food.
• 4:21
  Christie: Right.
• 4:21
  Christie: Which we know it's more than Cracker Barrel.
• 4:23
  Christie: It's that time spent.
• 4:24
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:24
  Christie: I'm sure you guys have had great conversations as they've grown up about the reason you guys even have this
• 4:30
  0: tradition over the years.
• 4:32
  0: And Yes.
• 4:32
  0: And it's been fun as they've gotten older to invite friends and, you know, boyfriends and just a lot of different people to join us, so I love it.
• 4:41
  Andrea: I feel like I'm way more the, the, what did you say?
• 4:46
  Andrea: Spontaneous.
• 4:46
  Andrea: What were the options?
• 4:47
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 4:47
  Andrea: Spontaneous Versus
• 4:48
  Cheryl: traditional or whatever.
• 4:49
  Cheryl: Traditional.
• 4:50
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:50
  Andrea: Okay.
• 4:50
  Andrea: So I feel like I am way more in the planned, more traditional, like I'm not.
• 4:57
  Andrea: Always very good at coming up with spontaneous things to do with my kids.
• 5:00
  Andrea: But I'm married to somebody who's really good about being spontaneous.
• 5:04
  Andrea: He is like, oh, I saw this thing is happening.
• 5:06
  Andrea: Let's take the kids.
• 5:07
  Andrea: Okay.
• 5:07
  Andrea: And I'm like, do
• 5:08
  0: we
• 5:09
  Andrea: have to?
• 5:11
  Andrea: But then I'm always glad that we went later.
• 5:12
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 5:13
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 5:13
  Andrea: So he's good at balancing me out in that way, but I'm very, very like.
• 5:18
  Andrea: Sentimental and I want everything to be like the same every year.
• 5:22
  Andrea: Uhhuh.
• 5:22
  Andrea: That's one thing that I think I've grown in and trying to let go of.
• 5:25
  Andrea: Like we can do a tradition, but it doesn't have to be on this specific day.
• 5:30
  Andrea: That's good.
• 5:31
  Andrea: You know what I mean?
• 5:31
  Andrea: Like trying to be more a adaptable, flexible, hold those things a little more loosely as I get older.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: I think that's very wise.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: And it's not written in cement,
• 5:41
  Andrea: right.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: You know that we do this, but the flexibility of it and see.
• 5:47
  Cheryl: By marriage, usually you're gonna have probably a spontaneous versus a traditionalist.
• 5:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:52
  Cheryl: And then to spontaneous the other sounds stuck in the mud and old.
• 5:57
  Cheryl: And to the traditionalist, it looks flippant and fly by night.
• 6:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:02
  Cheryl: So that's a good thing to have you balance each other.
• 6:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:05
  Christie: That's really good.
• 6:06
  Christie: Well, speaking of marriage, I was thinking about how traditions.
• 6:10
  Christie: Might evolve from what you grew up with and how when you do get married and start a family that you might realize some of those things need to change in certain ways.
• 6:21
  Christie: Have you guys found that at all in your families?
• 6:23
  Christie: Things that you thought were great or maybe you had a compromise on with your spouse?
• 6:28
  Cheryl: Well, I have one because.
• 6:30
  Cheryl: Growing up as a baby boomer.
• 6:32
  Cheryl: So my parents, um, they were very much more traditional.
• 6:37
  Cheryl: They were World War II veterans, the whole thing.
• 6:41
  Cheryl: There wasn't a lot of money for extravagant things, but my dad really liked to be extravagant for our budget at Christmas, and it was a really big deal.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: He really got excited about it, which made me really excited.
• 6:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:55
  Cheryl: Because it was such a big deal.
• 6:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:57
  Cheryl: But one of the things we did is we did not open presents until Christmas morning.
• 7:02
  Cheryl: I mean, it was set in stone and then finally after years and years and years, okay, we could open one gift on Christmas Eve.
• 7:11
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 7:11
  Cheryl: You know, so it was so exciting.
• 7:13
  Cheryl: But see, it became the tradition.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: And so in my heart, I feel how that felt.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: So fast forward 25 years, you get married.
• 7:25
  Cheryl: What?
• 7:26
  Cheryl: You open all your gifts on Christmas Eve.
• 7:29
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 7:30
  Cheryl: This is heresy.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: No one does this, but that's what Bill's family did.
• 7:35
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: So it was terrible for me'cause I go, this is not Christmas at all.
• 7:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:41
  Cheryl: And the way we.
• 7:42
  Cheryl: Did.
• 7:43
  Cheryl: It was you went around and each person opened a gift and you do it like this and you ooh, and awe and you take time on a gift and it might be something fun.
• 7:53
  Cheryl: And everybody takes the time and we play with it.
• 7:56
  Cheryl: Even in my very traditional family, we didn't get out of pajamas all day long.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: Oh, it was wonderful.
• 8:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:02
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 8:03
  Cheryl: And then chaotic at Bill's family.
• 8:07
  Cheryl: Everything opened on Christmas Eve.
• 8:10
  Cheryl: Everybody there, and you all open gifts at once.
• 8:13
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 8:13
  Cheryl: So you don't even get to see what other, and I was just like wind blown.
• 8:18
  Cheryl: I'm like standing in a wind tunnel.
• 8:19
  Cheryl: You know where you're facing your hair.
• 8:21
  Cheryl: Blown back going, this is not.
• 8:22
  Cheryl: Christmas.
• 8:23
  Cheryl: So
• 8:23
  Christie: you
• 8:23
  Cheryl: had not yet
• 8:25
  Christie: come to the place Andrea's naming for of flexibility?
• 8:29
  Christie: No, I had
• 8:29
  Cheryl: to go with it, but then it worked out really nicely because we did that on Christmas Eve and then we could have.
• 8:37
  Cheryl: Real Christmas on Christmas morning in our family, and then we did the same thing.
• 8:42
  Cheryl: We stayed in our pajamas and we slowly opened the gifts so I got the two worlds, I was so thankful because if we had only gone with one, I would've felt a deficit, I think.
• 8:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:54
  Cheryl: So anyway, just saying that was our tradition.
• 8:57
  Cheryl: So I'm not saying do it like I did, but I'm so thankful it worked out because he got what he was used to and then we also got what I was used to it.
• 9:06
  Cheryl: So it worked out really nice.
• 9:06
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 9:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:07
  Cheryl: That's funny.
• 9:08
  Andrea: My family was definitely the, everybody opens gifts all at the same time.
• 9:12
  Andrea: Total chaos for like.
• 9:14
  Andrea: 15 minutes and then it's just like over done.
• 9:16
  Andrea: Then you go around and you look at everybody's gifts.
• 9:18
  Andrea: You say, oh, look what I got.
• 9:19
  Andrea: Oh this.
• 9:20
  Andrea: Oh, that's so cool.
• 9:20
  Andrea: Or whatever.
• 9:21
  Andrea: So yeah, just different family traditions.
• 9:23
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 9:23
  Andrea: It's funny to, to realize that not everybody does it the same way, even though we might be coming from largely the same culture.
• 9:31
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 9:32
  Andrea: Right.
• 9:32
  Andrea: Shared language and things like that.
• 9:34
  Andrea: Or even shared heritage.
• 9:36
  Andrea: Um.
• 9:38
  Andrea: We have our own family culture.
• 9:40
  Andrea: Right.
• 9:40
  Andrea: And those can be very, very different.
• 9:42
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 9:42
  Andrea: Even if you feel like we were raised in a similar way or like we're the same age or whatever it is.
• 9:47
  Andrea: Right?
• 9:47
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 9:47
  Andrea: It can be so wildly different.
• 9:49
  Andrea: I remember um, the first year, um, that we were married and had kids.
• 9:54
  Andrea: I was like, um, well.
• 9:58
  Andrea: We are gonna decorate the Christmas tonight.
• 10:00
  Andrea: And he was like, oh, okay.
• 10:01
  Andrea: And so I made this, you know, I went into the whole thing, like, get all the ornaments.
• 10:05
  Andrea: And you don't start like, we've got a put on Christmas music.
• 10:07
  Andrea: Uhhuh making like special apple cider hot chocolate, like a dignified woman.
• 10:13
  Andrea: This is like a, right, this is like a big deal.
• 10:15
  Andrea: Right.
• 10:15
  Andrea: Everybody, the, the Christmas lights are on, so the, the tree's set up every, the Christmas decorations are up, but the tree has not been decorated.
• 10:22
  Christie: Okay.
• 10:22
  Andrea: Okay.
• 10:23
  Andrea: And then he like was came in and was like, Hey, I was gonna run over to the gym.
• 10:28
  Andrea: Is that okay?
• 10:28
  Andrea: And I was like, what?
• 10:31
  Andrea: Are you kidding me?
• 10:32
  Andrea: On that day, on Christmas decorating night, I mean it was so funny'cause he just like had no idea.
• 10:39
  Andrea: I was like, no, this is really important to me, Uhhuh.
• 10:41
  Andrea: And also the youngest child gets to put the star on the top of the tree and you're gonna have, you know, and so he was like, oh, like I had no idea this was important to you.
• 10:50
  Andrea: And I said, no, this is so important.
• 10:51
  Andrea: So.
• 10:53
  Andrea: And he was great about it.
• 10:54
  Andrea: And so now it's our tradition in our family that Right.
• 10:56
  Andrea: That's one that I've been able to carry on in my own family, where we have a special night where we decorate the tree and then the baby puts the star on the tree.
• 11:03
  Andrea: Yes.
• 11:03
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 11:05
  Cheryl: But Andrea, both of our stories, you and I came into it with the wrong attitude.
• 11:11
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 11:12
  Cheryl: No, this is the way, it's
• 11:13
  Andrea: the right way.
• 11:14
  Andrea: This is the right
• 11:16
  Cheryl: way.
• 11:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:17
  Cheryl: You know,
• 11:17
  Andrea: expectations.
• 11:18
  Andrea: Ugh.
• 11:18
  Andrea: Expectations and
• 11:19
  0: communication.
• 11:20
  0: Uhhuh,
• 11:21
  Cheryl: Uhhuh.
• 11:21
  Cheryl: Good.
• 11:23
  0: What about you, Joanne?
• 11:24
  0: Yes.
• 11:25
  0: Um, yeah, we had that same tradition of, uh, special night for putting up the Christmas tree, Uhhuh, and, um, the way I grew up, and thankfully my husband did, they didn't have a lot of like.
• 11:35
  0: Super strong tradition.
• 11:36
  0: So we used a lot more of my traditions, which was great.
• 11:41
  0: Um, but even on our tree and all of our decorations are very meaningful, so we like to have ornaments that we've collected from different vacations through the years.
• 11:51
  0: Um, the tree skirt that we have was given to us by my husband's grandmother and so Wow.
• 11:56
  0: So it's just a way for us.
• 11:58
  0: To remember, you know, uh, fun vacations or family members.
• 12:02
  0: Um, we have the kids' old Play-Doh ornaments or things that they've made in different art classes.
• 12:08
  0: And so it's, it's a special night of remembrance and connectedness, so.
• 12:13
  0: Wow.
• 12:13
  0: I love that.
• 12:14
  0: Yeah.
• 12:14
  Christie: I'll speak some, um, hope into that.
• 12:17
  Christie: For someone that's thinking like we don't have all those little memory things, I, I hit a year.
• 12:24
  Christie: Oh.
• 12:24
  Christie: Probably 2015 where I realized my kids were going to grow up and move away, and it just hit me on a Christmas Eve one night.
• 12:33
  Christie: How few Christmases I had left with all my kids home.
• 12:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:36
  Christie: And I realized I had not done the mom thing of keeping the hand prints.
• 12:41
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:41
  Christie: And, and having a little ornaments made, I will confess to decorating for an aesthetic.
• 12:46
  Christie: It's not always sentimental.
• 12:48
  Christie: That's okay.
• 12:49
  Christie: Um, and we have, you know, some that have memories attached, but they also fit the aesthetic.
• 12:56
  Christie: Um, so my remedy that year was I went and bought some of those little picture frame ornaments Oh.
• 13:04
  Christie: And went back and printed photos from all the Christmases.
• 13:08
  Christie: Wow.
• 13:08
  Christie: And, uh, so I, I share that just.
• 13:10
  Christie: To give hope to any moms out there that are like, mm-hmm.
• 13:13
  Christie: I wish I would've done something like that, but I didn't.
• 13:16
  Christie: There's always some way to be creative.
• 13:18
  Christie: And, and like you were saying last time, Andrea, looking at the reason why you wish you would've done that, what the meaning was, and then creating something that can fill that
• 13:28
  Cheryl: That craving.
• 13:28
  Cheryl: Absolutely.
• 13:28
  Cheryl: Because it's the people that matter.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 13:31
  Cheryl: And by the way, we only have.
• 13:33
  Cheryl: Two Play-Doh ornaments that have made it all these years.
• 13:37
  Cheryl: Yeah, I was gonna
• 13:37
  Andrea: say one of my Play-Doh ornaments broke.
• 13:40
  Andrea: Thank you.
• 13:40
  Andrea: Oh, I was taking them out.
• 13:42
  Andrea: I was like, oh, that's a go forever.
• 13:43
  Cheryl: All of them except for two.
• 13:45
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:45
  Cheryl: And so I kind of keep those safe way up high.
• 13:49
  Cheryl: 'cause I have little ones around now but remember it's the people that matter, right?
• 13:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:53
  Cheryl: And speaking of that, so I'm listening again and coming from.
• 13:57
  Cheryl: Some years where I was empty nesting.
• 14:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:01
  Cheryl: And widowed.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: So, wow.
• 14:05
  Cheryl: Nobody can come and help me decorate my tree.
• 14:08
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 14:08
  Cheryl: And I had to come up with tradition by myself'cause nobody was available.
• 14:12
  Cheryl: And then it's really great as people are kind of.
• 14:15
  Cheryl: Coming out of their young 20 years and their traveling years and or not living close by.
• 14:21
  Cheryl: And now with grandchildren, there's more cohesiveness.
• 14:25
  Cheryl: So what I wanted to encourage everybody is to think about the one, maybe somebody you know, that maybe they're suddenly single.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: Or they're in their empty nest years or they're older and they don't have someone else to help them decorate that.
• 14:42
  Cheryl: You might call them over and say, Hey, would you like to come?
• 14:45
  Cheryl: We're gonna have our tradition.
• 14:46
  Cheryl: We would like you to help do that.
• 14:48
  Cheryl: And can we come and help you decorate your tree?
• 14:51
  Cheryl: It would've been amazing to have people say, Hey, can we come help you decorate your tree?
• 14:56
  Cheryl: I love that, Cheryl.
• 14:58
  Cheryl: Because.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: Suddenly it feels very lonely and, and I've worked my way through it to where I enjoyed it.
• 15:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:05
  Cheryl: But I'm just sensitive to the people.
• 15:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:08
  Cheryl: Or a single.
• 15:09
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:09
  Cheryl: So someone who's been part of a family and maybe they aren't mm-hmm.
• 15:13
  Cheryl: Or they've moved mm-hmm.
• 15:14
  Cheryl: Or everybody else is married and they all have their children and they have their mm-hmm.
• 15:19
  Cheryl: And you've got a single.
• 15:20
  Cheryl: To invite that single in, whether they're part of your family or not.
• 15:24
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:24
  Cheryl: Think about the person who doesn't have everybody sitting around making ornaments and decorating the tree.
• 15:29
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:30
  Cheryl: I like how you mentioned
• 15:30
  Andrea: Joanne, that you like with your gift wrapping, you know, service project mm-hmm.
• 15:36
  0: That
• 15:36
  Andrea: you would allow like friends to come.
• 15:38
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 15:39
  Andrea: Or even.
• 15:39
  Andrea: A boyfriend or whatever, A girlfriend.
• 15:41
  Andrea: Right.
• 15:41
  Andrea: It doesn't have to be like, no, it's only family allowed.
• 15:44
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 15:44
  Andrea: This is our tradition.
• 15:45
  Andrea: It's like, it's about the spirit of, you know?
• 15:48
  Andrea: Yes.
• 15:48
  Andrea: Like yeah.
• 15:49
  Andrea: Expanding.
• 15:49
  Andrea: Right.
• 15:50
  Andrea: I
• 15:50
  0: love that.
• 15:51
  0: And um, Cheryl, just kind of piggybacking on what you said about the loneliness of the season, sometimes it can really be amplified, you know, for sure with all of.
• 15:59
  0: Families.
• 16:00
  0: And so I have a, a dear friend who shared with me that she grew up, uh, it was just her mom and her sister.
• 16:05
  0: Oh.
• 16:05
  0: And they didn't have any family around.
• 16:07
  0: So what her mom did was invite all of the, you know, people around, wow.
• 16:12
  0: Them in their community, didn't have a place to go.
• 16:14
  0: And so her home was always full at holidays, and she told me she didn't even.
• 16:21
  0: Feel that they didn't have family.
• 16:23
  0: Yeah.
• 16:23
  0: 'cause they always had a full home.
• 16:24
  0: And I thought that was a really beautiful way to, uh, create
• 16:27
  Cheryl: a new tradition.
• 16:28
  0: Yeah.
• 16:28
  0: I, I
• 16:29
  Cheryl: love that.
• 16:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:30
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 16:30
  Cheryl: So big and small.
• 16:32
  Cheryl: Traditions matter, and so I'll tell you some of the silly traditions we did, but they turn to be tradition.
• 16:38
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 16:40
  Cheryl: I dunno where we started, but somewhere, when Bill and I first married and we went on a trip and he bought a bag of Tootsie Rolls and I didn't know it, and suddenly in the middle of the trip he flipped a Tootsie roll to me, and so he would just flip Tootsie Rolls.
• 16:55
  Cheryl: Well then that started being a special surprise.
• 16:58
  Cheryl: We never said we were gonna buy them, but we always hoped one of us did.
• 17:02
  Cheryl: Then with the kids.
• 17:03
  Cheryl: Then when we would go somewhere on a trip, suddenly I'd be throwing TS rolls into the backseat.
• 17:09
  Cheryl: By the way, ts rolls are smaller than they used to be, just saying.
• 17:13
  Andrea: Okay.
• 17:13
  Andrea: And they call Reflation Uhhuh.
• 17:15
  Andrea: They were just,
• 17:16
  Cheryl: they
• 17:16
  Carol: didn't know when it was gonna do it, and I just would start throwing the Tootsie Rolls in the back.
• 17:20
  0: Oh.
• 17:20
  0: And
• 17:20
  Cheryl: then it became something.
• 17:21
  Cheryl: And so then years, if I didn't have Tootsie Rolls and we're on a trip.
• 17:25
  Cheryl: It was devastating.
• 17:26
  Cheryl: Oh, mm-hmm.
• 17:27
  Cheryl: You know, you have to have the Tootsie rolls.
• 17:30
  Cheryl: So just even something.
• 17:31
  Cheryl: I love that.
• 17:32
  Cheryl: That's silly.
• 17:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:33
  Cheryl: But it's something, um, another one, again, because of budgeting, I came up with ideas.
• 17:39
  Cheryl: I didn't do all the beautiful cakes that look like, you know, something you would see in a, on Instagram.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: But one of the things is we'd have kids, a bunch of kids over to spend the night like my son.
• 17:53
  Cheryl: He would have his four or five friends come and then, um, and Andrea, or me,
• 17:59
  Carol: Andrea came with my daughter.
• 18:01
  Carol: And so what we would have is ice cream and cake traditionally then a sleepover.
• 18:06
  Carol: And then I always bought enough ice cream.
• 18:08
  Carol: I would have pancakes the next morning and we'd have ice cream on the pancakes.
• 18:12
  Carol: Oh, fun.
• 18:13
  Carol: Now that sounds real silly in the world of all this stuff, but I mean, if I ever didn't have ice cream and pancakes, uhhuh, and their Friends that are grown now, and they go, by the way, we do the ice cream on pancakes at my children's birthdays.
• 18:26
  Carol: Oh, that's so fun.
• 18:27
  Carol: And I do that.
• 18:29
  Carol: Oh my goodness.
• 18:29
  Carol: What a fun thing.
• 18:30
  Carol: And see I'm kind of known for healthy foods.
• 18:32
  Carol: Right.
• 18:33
  Carol: I was thinking that, Cheryl.
• 18:34
  Carol: I was like, wow, that's a big thing at Cheryl's house.
• 18:38
  Carol: Just ice cream on top of junk pancakes.
• 18:40
  Carol: Yeah.
• 18:40
  Carol: And fluffy, big white pancakes.
• 18:43
  Carol: Mm.
• 18:43
  Carol: All the ice cream you want.
• 18:45
  Carol: So great.
• 18:45
  Carol: So it, you don't have to spend a lot of money.
• 18:48
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 18:48
  Carol: It's the joy that's really fun.
• 18:51
  0: And am I alone in thinking that like, food plays a really big part in these trees?
• 18:55
  0: Yeah.
• 18:56
  0: Like, I think it's so special if you can make it multisensory to, you know, have like mm-hmm.
• 19:01
  0: Something that tastes good and smells good and visually, you know, just all the ways will make it so much more meaningful for your kids.
• 19:08
  0: So I agree.
• 19:08
  0: I think that's great.
• 19:09
  0: Yeah.
• 19:10
  Christie: Some of those things that, um, you can be extra indulgent because it's only once a year or Yeah.
• 19:16
  Christie: Right.
• 19:16
  Cheryl: And so one of the things, particularly my children did it and now my grandchildren doing, can we have ice cream on our pancakes?
• 19:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:22
  Cheryl: Oh no, that's birthdays.
• 19:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:24
  Cheryl: So it makes it a tradition even though it's something very common.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: Helps them
• 19:27
  Andrea: distinguish.
• 19:28
  Andrea: Yes.
• 19:29
  Andrea: And the rhythms and the time of year and things.
• 19:31
  Cheryl: And one of the things that I do, and I'm telling you, it's top tier and it takes.
• 19:34
  Cheryl: All day long and I make now, I used to moms, but now they're Giya's Christmas rolls.
• 19:40
  Cheryl: And I mean, they rival something you would buy at a very expensive bakery.
• 19:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:46
  Cheryl: And so They are huge, but it's like two pounds of butter and.
• 19:52
  Andrea: You had me at two pounds a Yeah, you can stop there.
• 19:55
  Andrea: Sorry.
• 19:55
  Andrea: Now six
• 19:55
  Carol: four eggs And they have to rise three times.
• 19:58
  Carol: So it's really something.
• 20:00
  Carol: Well, I get asked easily four or five times a year.
• 20:03
  Carol: Can we have your Christmas rolls?
• 20:05
  Carol: They're called Christmas rolls for a reason, and The tradition stays meaningful..
• 20:10
  Carol: Right.
• 20:10
  Carol: And then.
• 20:11
  Carol: I kind of asked when I got 20 somethings and released, I'm in my empt nest.
• 20:16
  Carol: I'm going, I don't wanna spend all day making.
• 20:17
  Carol: Right?
• 20:18
  Carol: And I go, can I get like the easy ones that people make and everybody, I mean up in arms?
• 20:24
  Carol: Absolutely not.
• 20:24
  Carol: No, you have to do the whole thing.
• 20:27
  Carol: So.
• 20:28
  Carol: It really does matter.
• 20:29
  Carol: You're talking about food and keep it special.
• 20:31
  Carol: And I go, wow, this is worth the investment.
• 20:34
  Carol: And then my kids say, mom, you'll have to show us how to make it so someday we can make'em in our home.
• 20:40
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 20:40
  Carol: Because they're not gonna make it in their homes if they can come to Giya's house and have'em.
• 20:43
  Carol: Right?
• 20:43
  0: Yeah.
• 20:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:44
  Christie: How special I, I think you did something really wise though, Cheryl, even though they demanded no change on this particular tradition, but to check in with your family on traditions.
• 20:54
  Christie: See, it's a good point.
• 20:55
  Christie: Is this important still?
• 20:57
  Christie: Like, reevaluate maybe at different ages?
• 21:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:00
  Christie: Or if when you start adding people to the family or some, some turning point in your family.
• 21:05
  Christie: Um, I've been doing that recently as all my kids are growing and moving and some outta state, like which of the things are worth fighting for and do we all need to be mm-hmm.
• 21:14
  Christie: Together when we.
• 21:16
  Christie: Go look at Christmas lights in our pajamas in the car.
• 21:18
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:18
  Christie: Or is that important to you guys?
• 21:19
  Christie: And sometimes the answer will be yes.
• 21:21
  Christie: And then sometimes like, I mean, it's just not worth the energy anymore.
• 21:24
  Christie: And that's fine.
• 21:25
  Christie: You create something new and for the season of life.
• 21:28
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 21:29
  Carol: So wise to Evolve, and again, I have several single daughters, um, and so I want to make sure that they get included and pulled in because.
• 21:40
  Carol: It's important to them.
• 21:41
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 21:41
  Carol: So one of the things that was fun that we did as a tradition, because of course this is the way Christmas is done, is a big stocking on Christmas morning, Even when they were in high school and college and post-college, they still wanted a really nice, Christmas stocking.
• 21:58
  Carol: And I decide to involve everybody.
• 22:01
  Carol: So now with grandchildren, whoever's going to be here, if you come to Giya's house, you get a Christmas stocking.
• 22:07
  Carol: But now, all the other adults help to fill the stockings for everybody.
• 22:12
  Carol: Mm, that's right.
• 22:12
  Carol: So that they get pulled in so that they're part of a tradition and not just coming and something's done to them.
• 22:19
  Carol: Yeah.
• 22:20
  Carol: But.
• 22:20
  Carol: That they get to be a part of it.
• 22:21
  Carol: So the, the aunts and uncles fill the stockings for all the grandchildren.
• 22:25
  Carol: Cute.
• 22:26
  Carol: And for one another.
• 22:27
  Carol: So we all get stockings and it's fun, it's great.
• 22:30
  Carol: I, I just enjoy it.
• 22:31
  Carol: And it's supposed to be inexpensive stuff.
• 22:34
  Carol: Mm-hmm.
• 22:34
  Carol: Which gets expensive now, right?
• 22:35
  Carol: Yeah.
• 22:36
  Carol: Yeah.
• 22:36
  Carol: But just again, including, just look at your family as you're releasing.
• 22:40
  Carol: Who has.
• 22:41
  Carol: Their own family tradition.
• 22:43
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: And one of the things Christy you have a great story I like about releasing children to their own family traditions, because I feel real strongly about that.
• 22:54
  Cheryl: I, I love having everybody, but it's really hard when they go, oh, by the way, mom, we won't be there for Christmas.
• 23:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:01
  Cheryl: Would you share, one time you said somebody did a really neat thing and she gave a gift to her kids.
• 23:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:06
  Christie: I read a book on empty nesting once, and um, the woman that wrote the book said that she, when her kids were engaged, gives them a box on Christmas.
• 23:18
  Christie: Um, that in the box is a slip of paper that just says the word freedom.
• 23:22
  Christie: And with that, she gives the explanation that I, I'm not going to be the one to guilt you to be here at a certain time or to accommodate my schedule.
• 23:33
  Christie: We will be flexible and you know that that doesn't mean if you have multiple kids.
• 23:37
  Christie: Sometimes that gets really tricky.
• 23:38
  Christie: So maybe somebody misses out on something at some point.
• 23:42
  Christie: Relationally speaking, I'm not gonna hold a grudge or, you know, get upset or guilt you in any way.
• 23:48
  Christie: And I just thought that was really good.
• 23:49
  Christie: You know, my daughter had my first granddaughter last year and, and we had a good conversation when she was pregnant.
• 23:55
  Christie: They're always gonna be Yeah, in ministry.
• 23:58
  Christie: So they'll be at their home church on Christmas Eve, and they live outta.
• 24:01
  Christie: State and, and she said, mom, we also want our kids to wake up in their homes.
• 24:05
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:05
  Christie: On Christmas morning.
• 24:07
  Christie: And, and I thankfully, having had that woman's advice could come into it with a good mindset of, of course you do.
• 24:14
  Christie: That's wisdom.
• 24:15
  Christie: That's how you love your children.
• 24:16
  Christie: Well, and I want that for my grandchildren, so I'm not gonna be, as much as I wish I could have all of my kids with all my grandkids in matching pajamas on Christmas morning, that's not love.
• 24:27
  Christie: And getting that freedom is all right.
• 24:30
  Christie: I really
• 24:30
  Cheryl: love that.
• 24:31
  Cheryl: The open handedness,
• 24:33
  0: mm-hmm.
• 24:33
  0: Yeah.
• 24:33
  0: Another layer in all of these traditions and holidays is when you have blended families.
• 24:39
  0: Yes.
• 24:39
  0: Um, yes.
• 24:40
  0: So in our family, um, my, my older brother.
• 24:44
  0: He had the courage to say, no, I'm not gonna run around to, you know, three or four different holiday meals.
• 24:50
  0: And so him and his wife decided to host a Christmas Eve meal and then, and they wanted to wake up in their own home mm-hmm.
• 24:58
  0: On Christmas morning and, and so he had courage to start a new tradition.
• 25:03
  0: We all love it.
• 25:04
  0: So that's now.
• 25:05
  0: Our tradition and that's when we see him is on Christmas Eve.
• 25:09
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 25:09
  0: Um, and so just having, you know, courage to start something new if I love it, if it's not serving your family well, to do all of the different things.
• 25:17
  0: And then also we had talked about having courage to let something go if it's not serving your family well.
• 25:23
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 25:23
  0: If it's stressing you out or, um, your kids are just not into it, you know, just having that, um.
• 25:29
  0: Wisdom and discernment to know when to just let it die and start something new.
• 25:34
  0: I love that.
• 25:34
  0: Yeah, I love it.
• 25:35
  Cheryl: And so your children, you're just on the edge of the releasing years and empty nest.
• 25:41
  Cheryl: I love the fact that you already have this value and view of it.
• 25:46
  Cheryl: So you're looking through that lens when they go, oh, by the way, mom.
• 25:49
  Cheryl: I'm not gonna see you Christmas anymore, right?
• 25:51
  Cheryl: You, oh, I released you to that with Freedom.
• 25:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:54
  Christie: My parents divorced when I was eight, and so I all, I grew up only knowing holidays that were spread out over a week, and we call it like a month of birthdays, A month of you know, Christmas and.
• 26:06
  Christie: It's funny because you know, now my dad has passed and our tradition was similar to what you were saying your brother-in-law did.
• 26:13
  Christie: We would have breakfast for dinner on Christmas Eve at my dad's house in our pajamas, and that was always Christmas at his house.
• 26:21
  Christie: Well, he's passed now and we still get together with my brother on Christmas Eve.
• 26:25
  Christie: That's so sweet.
• 26:25
  Christie: And so that became a tradition that came out of what?
• 26:28
  Christie: Could, what was actual hardship?
• 26:30
  Christie: You know, to have to figure out how to do Christmases with both parents I love.
• 26:35
  Christie: And so it really is about finding silver lining and, and making the best of the moment.
• 26:39
  Christie: Very good.
• 26:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:40
  Andrea: That's great.
• 26:40
  Cheryl: Wow, I love this.
• 26:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:43
  Andrea: Say just as your token millennial, because I'm not, I love it.
• 26:47
  Andrea: So to, I'm not the point where I'm having to release my children yet.
• 26:51
  Andrea: My oldest is 13.
• 26:52
  Andrea: It's coming.
• 26:53
  Andrea: I'm mentally not there yet, but, um, my parents divorced when I was eight as well.
• 26:59
  Andrea: Okay.
• 26:59
  Andrea: And so, and I will say that as an adult.
• 27:02
  Andrea: And through the process of having my own kids, I've seen both of my parents do exactly what you guys were talking about where they just kind of hold it with an open hand and they kind of release this.
• 27:14
  Andrea: Like, if you, this is what we're doing and if you can't make it, mm-hmm.
• 27:17
  Andrea: Don't worry about it, don't stress about it.
• 27:19
  Andrea: And also being flexible about the day, like, well it doesn't have to be Christmas Eve, we can do it on the 23rd, or we can Christmas Adam, or we can do it on the 27th.
• 27:27
  Andrea: Or, you know, things like that that actually.
• 27:30
  Andrea: Does genuinely help.
• 27:32
  Andrea: Right.
• 27:32
  Andrea: I don't know how many, you know, empty nesters or grandparents you have listening.
• 27:35
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 27:36
  Andrea: But just I'm speaking from the other side of that, the receiving end.
• 27:39
  Andrea: It has been really, really, that is so good, helpful and reassuring to know that like it doesn't actually matter which day.
• 27:46
  Andrea: It doesn't have to be a certain way.
• 27:48
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 27:48
  Andrea: It's about us all trying to get together.
• 27:51
  Andrea: And if you still can't make it, if one of us can't make it,'cause I come from a big family.
• 27:55
  Andrea: Mm-hmm.
• 27:56
  Andrea: It's okay.
• 27:56
  Andrea: Right?
• 27:57
  Andrea: Yeah.
• 27:57
  Andrea: Well, and
• 27:58
  Christie: all, all kind of, you know, as we're multi-generational sharing voices and insight, um, you know, when, when my husband and I first married, his family had the tradition of Pizza Hut on Christmas Eve, I.
• 28:11
  Christie: Every year.
• 28:12
  Christie: And so, like I just said, I have plans on Christmas Eve, I don't know what you're talking about.
• 28:16
  Christie: Um, and so you have breakfast for dinner.
• 28:19
  Christie: Yes.
• 28:20
  Christie: And so that wasn't their Christmas, that was just a, a thing they did.
• 28:24
  Christie: And so that we had to tell her, you know, we can't do that.
• 28:26
  Christie: And I, I remember being at 19 or whatever, perplexed at her sadness.
• 28:32
  Christie: And so I'll just speak to the young parents.
• 28:36
  Christie: Have compassion on your parents and, and grandparents and in-laws that might have to be, you know, they may be having to give up traditions and grieving some of those things.
• 28:45
  Christie: Yeah.
• 28:45
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 28:46
  Christie: I'm not saying you don't set boundaries and you don't have, you know, healthy arrangements, but, but at least have some tenderness when you're breaking that news.
• 28:53
  Christie: For sure, because now I understand her sadness more than I did when I was young.
• 28:58
  Cheryl: That's a good point.
• 28:59
  Cheryl: We're just living out our values.
• 29:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 29:01
  Cheryl New: Not the tradition.
• 29:03
  Cheryl: Right.
• 29:04
  Cheryl: It's the value.
• 29:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 29:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 29:06
  Cheryl: So it's together is the point.
• 29:08
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 29:08
  Christie: Yes.
• 29:09
  Christie: Right.
• 29:09
  Cheryl: So just trying to love one another.
• 29:12
  Cheryl: Well, yeah.
• 29:13
  Cheryl: Hey, you all, this was so much fun.
• 29:15
  Cheryl: Yes, thank you.
• 29:16
  Cheryl: That made me Okay.
• 29:16
  Cheryl: I want y'all to think of more things to come back in and talk about.
• 29:19
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 29:19
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 29:19
  0: Mm-hmm.
• 29:19
  0: We'll do it.
• 29:20
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 29:22
  Cheryl: Hey parents.
• 29:23
  Cheryl: Remember, hang in there.
• 29:25
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: You know, as I listen back to this, I keep thinking, oh, how easy it is to feel like we've missed it, that we didn't start early enough or we didn't do it quite right, or we let something go that mattered, and I just don't think that's the point.
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: What stays with our kids isn't whether everything was perfectly planned.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: It's that sense of being together, of being known.
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: Of having something that felt like us.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: And you can always begin even something small, even this month.
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: So maybe just notice what your family already leans towards, what brings life when you do it, and stay there a little longer because those are the things they'll quietly carry with them.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: Long after the moment's gone.
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: And as always, if you wanna share what that looks like in your home, we'd love to hear from you.
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: You can reach out through our website, social media, or at contact@theparentingpodcast.com.