Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 305. You're Panicking About Everything In Life You Can't Control, When You Should Be Panicking About The Things You Can Control... Like Your Marriage

Transcript

305. You're Panicking About Everything In Life You Can't Control, When You Should Be Panicking About The Things You Can Control... Like Your Marriage · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you have been married, you can find passion, happiness and romance at any stage of your life.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat-out fun.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: It's the ultimate intimacy podcast with Nick and Amy, and today's episode is you're panicking about everything in your life you can't control, when you should be panicking about the things you can control, like your marriage.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: What are you panicking about?
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: The things?
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: you can control, like your marriage.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: What are you panicking about?
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: I need to get my inhaler out that's a long title.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: Um yeah, welcome to the podcast we could just read the podcast title and then wrap it up welcome to the podcast.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of people are panicking about a lot of things Politics, storms, food prices inflation the election wars man everything.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: There's a lot to panic about right now Our world's kind of a disaster?
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah for sure there is.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: There is a lot going on and I think a lot of times we're so overwhelmed and concerned about all the things going on that we can't control, that we neglect and forget about the things that we really should be focused on, that we can control.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: And I'm totally, I'm partially guilty of this.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: I was going to totally I'm partially guilty of this.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: I was gonna say I'm totally guilty of this, but I'm partially guilty.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: I'm what makes you partial and not full?
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: um, I, I do worry about things going on and stress about things going on, but I, but I don't let it overtake our marriage okay, I kind of I kind of you know, if I was getting in a pool I'd kind of be dipping my foot in, but I'm not like jumping in, so to speak.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: I haven't fallen in yet.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: I think everyone's concerned about politics right now.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just a lot of crazy things going on, but again, I think these things oftentimes take our focus away from what's important and we think we're focusing on things that are important, but we we virtually have no control over those things, and it's I think that's what makes it so hard is we're just sitting there watching our country get invaded and destroyed and all these bad things happening around us.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: We're like man, this is really impacting our life in a negative way, but I feel like there's nothing we can do about it.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: There is not a whole lot we can do about it, unless you are going to run for president.
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: I should Do.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: You think I'd get any votes?
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: You might get a few.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: You might get a couple podcast listeners that like you.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I get like 0.0001%.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: Let's stick to what we're doing.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: No, I mean like our job and not going into politics.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: Gotcha, I wasn't trying to like Nick's, like what?
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: Okay, I'll stop talking.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so we're going to dive into why we need to be more focused on the things that we can control in our life, which is our.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: I mean we can't control our marriage in our life, you know what I mean.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: Like can't control, like not in a bad kind of control, but doing the kind of things that are going to bring you happiness in your life, which is your family and your spouse.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: And you can control you and what you're doing for those people and in your marriage and how, instead of being glued to your phone and I mean we're all guilty of that like whether we're watching politics all the time, or the news, or the hurricanes or the wars, like those are important things, I know, but when we are putting them above our relationship and we're glued to that in a fact that it's harming our spouse or our family, that's when it's time to push a reset button and be like okay, what am I?
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: What is this really doing for me by, besides stressing me out or giving me neck ache and headaches?
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: I?
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I know you need to be informed, but there's a balance to okay, there's nothing I can do about it.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: I need to tap back into what's really important, right?
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: yeah, and I also like to look at it this way if we're putting a lot of negative into our mind constantly, it's going to show up negatively in all other aspects of our life, right, and if we're putting positive things into our mind, then we're going to have positive lives.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: And so I guess what I'm saying is, if we shift the focus and start putting more energy into our marriages and making our marriage life and family life better, it's going to seem like those other things seem maybe less significant and and although maybe they doesn't take away that importance, it's going to make those other things a lot more easy to handle, right.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: But when we're solely focused, for example, like I mean not to talk too much politics, but like when you're really frustrated with things going on, I noticed myself like talking to Amy and I'm like can you believe this?
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: like this is ridiculous, like our country's, you know let's all get that, but but I, I it's good to have those discussions, but what I'm saying is, when you're consuming negative things all the time, it's probably going to have a negative impact on, maybe, the people around you, the relationships you have.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: If we can shift the focus to, you know, having the positive things in our relationship and marriage and focusing on the things that we can control, it's going to make those other things seem less significant and we are not downplaying how big this election is, or all the things going on in the world.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: Not downplaying that at all.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: It's very important to stay educated and to absolutely go vote.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: Please go vote big deal.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: Right now, all we're trying to say is that too much of that, where it's consuming your life, might be hurting your relationship, and that's what we want to talk about yeah, exactly, say that right, because these things are really, really important.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: We're not downplaying that.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: So just remember, it's all about balance.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: Right, it's all about finding that balance because if one, if one spouse I know we did like just a entire episode on like not letting politics like wreck your relationship already, but like if your spouse is feeling like you're constantly addicted to your phone because of the stuff that's going on that is going to harm your marriage, so what's that balance?
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: like nick usually goes out for an hour at night, goes and sits in our backyard by his little fire pit and gets on his news, and sometimes I will go take a hot shower or a bath.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: I mean and I'm not saying that I don't do the same thing, but like sometimes we separate go.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I mean you've got to have downtime and you got to be educated.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: But like, what is that balance in your marriage that you're both happy with?
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: and then after that we say, okay, we're done, and we reconnect and I say, let's make love baby.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: And sometimes it's a no and sometimes it's yes.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: My point is, my point is is that we hardly ever move on from oh my?
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: gosh, why don't you tell the entire audience how many times I've said no?
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: I know I'm totally joking.
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: It's on one hand no, I'm just joking.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: We're not going there in this podcast episode.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Too much information.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: I was making a joke, that's about TMI.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: You love to talk about that.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: TMI for this episode.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: Okay, okay, should we jump in?
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, if you start getting me talking about that, we'll totally bear off course.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: That's true, that's true, okay.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: So here's the ways that you can shift your mindset back to focusing on the things that you can control, which and again, the positive things that really will have a better impact on your relationship overall.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: So first is, you know unplug and reconnect.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: And when we say unplug, it doesn't mean completely get off the grid and go live in the desert or the mountains or wherever you're at, like your phone.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: What we're saying is like be aware of how much time you're spending on technology and what you're consuming, and we're not saying completely unplugged, but you know if you're spending two or three hours a day, you know, limit that time and just really be mindful and aware of how much time you're spending on social media and the news and the different things.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: Spend more time talking to your spouse I've said this in so many other podcasts but the average couple talks for a meaningful conversation for like 11 minutes a day, like that's nothing so crazy to me so instead of maybe being on your phone consuming stuff for 30 minutes, go talk to your spouse for 30 minutes okay, I've got an idea.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I have an idea to share.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: There are so many couples that are so addicted to their phone.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: They're literally like, well, I'd rather be on my phone than talking to my spouse, right?
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: I mean, we hear that a lot.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: So here's an idea.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: Talk like, maybe set this as a goal, say, because me and Nick, we, we feel that too.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Like sometimes we're climbing to bed, we look at our phones.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: It's not good, like we can feel a disconnect, and sometimes it's fine because we'll connect later, like he said.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: But if you're, if you're really struggling with this addiction, set a goal to okay, let's go on a walk every night and that's where we'll talk.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: We do that every night of our relationship because we don't take our phones.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: Um, another way is let's go sit in the shower.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: Our shower is tiny, no excuse.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: Like, sit in your shower and talk there.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: You can't take your phone.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: Like we do that often, not as often as we used to, but I mean, I think it's because it's been so hot, but in the winter we do it a lot more.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: But this, this sometimes I recognize even myself if I've been on my phone a lot.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: I'm like my spiritual time is literally in my shower.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: I'm like I'm not distracted.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: I can been on my phone a lot.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: I'm like my spiritual time is literally in my shower.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: I'm like I'm not distracted, I can't take my phone in there.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: I can literally just sit and think for a little while and sometimes we just have to like look at ourselves and be like, okay, am I spending too much time on my phone?
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: What is my screen time?
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: And if that's overtaking the amount of time that you spend talking to your spouse in good, honest conversation or even just like quality time together, you have a problem.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: If you are on your phone more than you're connecting with your spouse and you have time for your phone but not your spouse in your mind, that is a problem, and so when you're aware of that, that's where you can be like let's go on a walk, let's go take a shower together, let's put yourself in situations where your phone is not an option to be there.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: Well, I totally agree, and I think it's so important too that like be mindful and aware of what you're taking in with whatever you're watching, right, right, like, I think it's one thing to be aware of what's going on and be informed I think that's really important but then it's another thing to be like Taking so much negative in that it starts impacting you, right?
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: I think that's what I'm trying to say, yeah.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: No, I totally agree with you.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: I think we don't realize how our emotions are affected by social media and stuff.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: I really don't think we do.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: We're totally being manipulated, yep, are affected by social media and stuff.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: I really don't think we do.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: We're totally being manipulated.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: Yep, we all know that, right, we all know that, yep, all right.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: So I think it's.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: I think it's important too, to focus on the things that we do have versus the things that we don't have that is hard.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: In this world that is hard.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: We are all guilty of this one agreed I mean, I just have to say it like we are all guilty of everyone's.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: Everyone would like to have more or something new or something different.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: Right like it's just.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: It's how we're made for sure, we just have to be mindful of that, like and I think gratitude, like you always say, like once we're grateful for what we do have that changes everything in our relationship and in our entire life.
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, for sure, for sure.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: We've been dealing with some things with people we know real well, and it kind of puts things in perspective, to where, all of a sudden, you're like wow, like this is what really matters, right?
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: These are the things that don't really matter as much, right?
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: Right, continue to invest in your emotional intimacy, and that means dating each other.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: Like Amy said we intentionally go on walks together, we sit in the shower together, we have some of the best conversations.
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: I really believe like Amy and I have gone through some really, really hard stuff, but if I look back on the times when we were going through really hard things, I don't feel like we ever had really deep, meaningful conversations.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: I feel like our conversations were more just surface level.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: Well, that's because when you're going through hard stuff, one person usually doesn't want to keep talking about it.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: Like, whatever that situation is, someone feels like, whether it's like I don't want to do that, or I'm too lazy to do that, or I don't care about that, whatever the attitude is like usually this is comes back to our one-sided podcast.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: Like, usually one person doesn't want to keep having that conversation, but to the other person, that conversation is really important.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: So that's where your, your conversations turn surface level, because you're like why won't you talk?
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about that anymore, right?
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: Especially if it's something that causes a fight, like sexual intimacy.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: But the point I'm trying to make is that when you are having those good, deep conversations like I really believe that so many aspects of your marriage are going to be better when you're focused on each other, you're going to be focusing on the things that you can control, which is your relationship, and less about the things that you can't control.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: Continue to date each other.
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: We talk about this all the time, but we don't need to spend a bunch of time on it but date each other and continue to get to know each other, fall in love with each other, be interested in each other, focus on each other, see how each other are feeling and really care about each other's feelings.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: That's a great way to again focus on the things that you can control and the things that are important versus the things you can't control.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: For sure things you can't control for sure.
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: Um, I think we've I think we've really covered that, but prioritize intimacy.
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: What do you think it means to prioritize intimacy?
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: I want to get your thoughts on this one I want to know what kind of intimacy you're talking about all aspects well, we just talked about emotional intimacy, so that's a big one for women yeah so all aspects I just talk about physical intimacy.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: Why would physical?
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: Why would focusing on physical intimacy?
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: Physical intimacy is different than sexual intimacy well, let's talk about physical intimacy and sexual intimacy.
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: They're different.
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: That's what the guys want to talk about.
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: So why?
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: shocker.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: So why would focusing on those things um that you can control and I should, I should why are you asking me, I should joke?
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: Around, because sometimes you can't control those things right you can't well, sometimes your wife has a headache or she's not in the mood or your wife or your husband is like come on, please, please.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: I just want to make love to you and you're like, really, right now.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that happens yeah.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're asking me what this means.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: I was just wondering what your thoughts were.
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: I mean, I can talk about this.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: Why don't you talk about it?
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: I can talk about this until next Thursday.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: Why don't you talk about it?
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: I know you have lots to say about it.
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: He's over here grinning like oh, I gotta talk about sexual intimacy in this podcast.
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: Well, because no one wants to hear a man talk about sex.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: They wanna hear from a woman's standpoint.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: They wanna hear from your standpoint as to how focusing on sexual intimacy and physical intimacy things that you can control can help you focus on those things versus the things you can't I I'm speaking to the load drive wives because I am one, I don't know why, um, I don't love it, but I think there's some, I don't know I.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: It's hard I'm not going to lie Like to come out and be like you need to prioritize sexual intimacy.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: I say it all the time, but it's hard, I'm not gonna be dishonest here.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: It's really hard when it's something that you just don't naturally think of.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: So I'm just you wanted my, you wanted my opinion on this.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: It's hard, husbands, if you're, if your wife is a low drive spouse, be patient with her.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: Please be patient with her.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: Yes, if you want me to talk about prioritizing it, I think prioritizing for a low drive is to be be not just willing I don't like the word willing but willing with a good attitude, to be like yes, let's be intimate tonight.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: What I know you're in the mood, let's be into it tonight.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: I'm I'm willing for both of us, for the marriage so a lot of people out there are thinking what does it mean to be patient?
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: Are you talking like be patient till new year's?
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: no, I'm, I'm not saying about time.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: I'm saying be patient with her, that she's not the one initiating be patient with her that it's not on her mind.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Be patient with her that you're like I just want my wife to desire me so bad.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: And blah, blah, blah.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: Like we aren't wired like you, like if, if your wife has a low libido, she's not feeling the way that you do about sex.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: So be patient with her that she's wired differently.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: Like we just did that podcast episode on yeah, we're wired, listen to those two episodes again.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: We're wired differently.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: Be patient with that, be patient with him.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: We have to be just as patient with you having a high drive as you have to be patient with us.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: It goes both ways.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: It goes both ways.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: So when we talk about prioritizing sexual intimacy, just having a good attitude, that, like you know, a couple nights a week, I am going to make time for that, I'm going to have a good attitude about it because it's important to you.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: I might not be thinking about it, but it's important to you.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: To me, that's what prioritizing sexual intimacy.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean I'm going to, I got to go initiate all the time and try to make this equal.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: Like I, having a good mindset about it and be like this is important to you.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: It's not quite on the priority list of mine, but I'm because of you and because I love you and it's good for our marriage, I'm going to be positive about it.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: That to me, with a low drive wife, is what prioritizing it looks like that's what everyone wanted to hear.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: I I don't think they really wanted to hear that, but it's the truth.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: I think men want me to tell women like you need to go initiate and you need to start thinking about it more and blah blah.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: Like yeah, like if your wife is willing to go get her hormones checked and find out if she needs a little testosterone boost or whatever, like yeah, those are things you need to talk about.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: But if she's low drive because of stress, because of mental load, because of a career, because those because of body changes, because of menopause I mean I can't even tell you how many things affect our drive be patient with her.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: And I do want to tell women like it's really important to him.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: That's probably how he feels loved and prioritizing it might just be being positive about it when he initiates.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I'll bet you, if women were to initiate more, their husband would focus on the things they can control versus the things they can't control more I just I think that's a lot.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: I think it's really hard to ask women to initiate more when that's not something that comes into their mind.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: A lot of women, if you're a high drive wife, then you're feeling like then you are having the opposite problem of this, and then the men that are the low drive are not initiating.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: They're not initiating because I mean, I hear from so many high drive wives now they're like I have the opposite situation.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: My husband never initiates.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: They're feeling it too, and so it's coming both directions, like when someone doesn't have a drive they are not initiating.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: It's not natural.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: It's not natural.
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, agreed, agreed.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: Like it's not natural yeah, agreed, agreed.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: Like it like it's.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: If you, if you look into it in a different area of intimacy, like for a husband, is it natural for you to think, as you're driving home from work, to stop at the store and get your wife a big bouquet of flowers?
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: Is it natural for you to think that?
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: just being honest here, no like, does that come into your mind all the time?
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: Like you?
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: Of course not exactly.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: It's kind of the same situation.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: Do you do it once in a while, hopefully, husbands.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: Do you do once in a while because it comes to your mind or because it means a lot to your wife?
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: I hope so, but it's the same thing.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: Like you're sitting here thinking, yeah, that's not natural to me.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: I I don't care about flowers and I, I just, but if, if, if something like that makes your wife feel loved you can see the difference here.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: Like that's not natural for me to think of even doing that.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: It goes both ways.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it goes both ways.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: Oh, you just reminded me I need to run to the store today.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: That's a separate subject.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: If you, run to the store today.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: It will not be meaningful, husbands, if your wife tell you to do it.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: You gotta wait a while and actually do it on your own terms and do something else that would mean a lot to her, instead of the things she tells you to do see, a lot of this podcast is me telling you.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: Here's the things you shouldn't do if you want a better marriage.
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: So what I'm just teasing I, just I.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: I think that we need to put ourselves, and I think men complain all the time about this, like why won't my wife initiate?
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: The women are saying the same thing.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: Why don't you do this?
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: Or why don't you do this?
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: Because you are not naturally thinking about it.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: It goes both ways, like you've got to try to understand her and she's got to try to understand you.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: That is what marriage is.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: Oh sorry, I got on kind of a little rant there.
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: No, that's totally good.
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: That's what you asked for.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: I asked for it this podcast is honest.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: Be careful what you ask for.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: You wanted that, though, right, oh, absolutely, yeah, yeah, that was perfect Okay.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: So the next one I think is important too is showing gratitude, like, just in the uncertainty of life and all the chaos and everything that's going on, just you know, take, take moments to express gratitude to your spouse for for everything that they do and for your life and for your relationship, the things you're grateful for, and it really will help take those stress, stresses on the things that you can't control um again, make, make them less important.
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: I think too, when you, when you are grateful, you start immediately focusing on things that are good and things that you have in your life, and you start looking at life in a very positive way, instead of focusing on all the chaos or the things that you don't have, or things you can't control or things like that.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: I have one tip for this one, and it just the only reason I say it is because it works for us.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: If, if you feel like you're anxious, you feel like you're stressed out, you feel like you're all the stuff in the world or whatever is kind of getting to you and your marriage in some way, get outside, get outside.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: Last week, me and nick took off on a wednesday afternoon.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: We had tons of work to do and we're like we're getting outside.
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we did a little bit of work stuff, but we went up to um, one of the state parks by our house, went and did some hiking.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: We got outside and and some of it was work related.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: But just getting outside makes you realize how beautiful it is and how much that can really help your stress and your attitude and just being together.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: And if you go somewhere without service, once again, then you don't have a phone, it's just the two of you in nature.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: There's something about the nature that is just calming and makes you feel like how amazing life can be yeah right yeah
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: unplug well, the reason why we named it, this, uh, the episode, the way we named it, about panicking about things that you can't control versus things you can't control.
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: I know panicking is a pretty strong word, but I think it's so important.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: Like, when you're focused on the negatives and you're worried about things in life, it's a natural tendency to focus our energy and thoughts and actions and everything towards those negative things and we neglect what's more, what's more important.
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: That's why you see, during tough times, that marriages fall apart all the time is is for this exact reason, is because a lot of times, we do start focusing our attention on the negative things or the things that are less important or things like that, and so what we're trying to do is to get, get you to realize that during these tough times, or during things that happen in life that you can't control or don't have any control over, that's when you need to shift your energy and focus back to the things that you can control and, even more so, focus your energy on your relationship.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: It's going to take a stronger relationship to get through the tough times and the uncertainties and the things that are ahead, because if you don't focus and put more work and energy on the things that you can control, like your marriage and your family, when the tough times continue to get worse, it's going to tear you away from your family and the things that are more important 100%.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: I wanted to add you were just saying something about naming this podcast.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: We picked the word panic, right?
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: I'll tell you why we picked this word.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: I'll tell you the story behind it.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: A couple weeks ago now that you've listened, let's see this will be.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, a couple weeks ago, if you were on social media, they were talking about, you know, the ports shutting down and a lot of people went into a full-on panic mode.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: They ran to Costco, ran to the store, started doing the whole toilet paper thing again, paper towels, food, like you, you saw videos of people panicking.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: If you were on social media, it went full, like back to like COVID panic, right.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: And the reason I bring that up is because I was sitting there thinking why, when we hear something, as humans we panic.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: We want to take care of our family, we want to, like make sure that we're going to be okay, but when we start to slip away in our marriage, why don't we go into panic mode, like we do with natural disasters or with things starting sounding like they're going to?
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: We hear sometimes they're not rumors, sometimes they're rumors but we panic about things and we go try and hurry and fix the situation right.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: Immediately.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: Immediately we try to go fix that situation.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: But so many people in marriage get to a point where they should be panicking about their marriage and going into full-on action like we do in other ways, and instead they just kind of like, do the opposite.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: And if marriage is really the most important thing in our life because it's good for our kids, it's our family, it's like the one thing that actually matters at the end of our life, why are we not going into panic mode, severe panic mode, when things feel off?
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: when it's not passionate or when it's not in a good place at all, Like why are we not running and trying to gather the tools or sit down with our spouse and fix the situation?
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: I guess that's.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: My big question is why do we panic about things that are less?
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: important, and when you panic about something, there's always an action, right like you said when you panic that the ports are gonna strike and you're gonna be out of toilet paper again, you immediately run to the store because you're like okay, I gotta take care of this.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: A panic is something you gotta take care of immediately, and you exactly right.
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: That's why we use the word panic for your marriages.
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: This is something that needs to be taken care of immediately, right, if you're panicking or something is vital that you need to do that's what we're trying to say is you need to panic about your marriage.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: It's time that you focus back on your marriage and the things that you can control and get your house in order immediately, for when things get difficult, that all of a sudden, you're not going to be in a place to where there's nothing you can do.
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: Well, it's the same with spiritual right.
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: Like a hurricane comes or a big storm is coming and all of a sudden people are like on their knees praying to God.
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: Right Like save me, help us hear our prayers.
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: Like sometimes panic is what sets people into like a spiritual high right.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: Like save me, help us hear our prayers.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: Like sometimes panic is what sets people into like a spiritual high right.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: But panic in this area, when it comes to marriage, doesn't need to be a bad thing.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: Like panic could be used as a word thing.
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: Like panic in a good way.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: Be like.
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: I need to take care of this now.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, we're slipping apart.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: I need to panic.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: Let's, let's go on a date night.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: Let's have some really good conversations.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: Let's, let's buy.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: Let's buy a tool or or learn a tool that's going to help us, like fix this disconnect in our marriage.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: Like it's just about intention and about, okay, things are slipping, we got to fix it.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: That's a good thing to panic about.
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: Like panic in a healthy way, where you look at each other and you're like we got to hurry and we got to solve this together because we're a team, which leads us to teamwork right.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: Which is the last thing we're going to talk about is being uniting.
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: Like you're listening to this podcast because you want strong emotional connection.
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: You want to be best friends.
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: You want to be lovers at the same time.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: You signed up for marriage because you wanted it passionate.
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: You wanted to be best friends.
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: You want to be lovers at the same time.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: You signed up for marriage because you wanted it passionate.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: You wanted to be united.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: You wanted ultimate intimacy in your marriage.
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: Right, we all want that.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: So sometimes we have to dive in and like, start being more intentional and just doing the.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: And sometimes it's like just the little things that are off.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: Like we talk about all the time, little tiny things, like panic about those little things.
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: What are we not doing in our marriage that we can start right now?
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you said that perfectly.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: I don't have anything to add to that.
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: Really, I think that's.
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: That's perfect.
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: Don't panic over toilet paper.
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: Stock your toilet paper.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: You're going to be fine.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: You can actually live without that if you really had to you.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: Your marriage is most important like go put in the effort to let it thrive.
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: Let it thrive start treating it that way, like it is the most important thing.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: I, I, I know we're wrapping up, but I it's amazing how much importance and emphasis we put on so many other things, but then, when it comes to our marriage, for whatever reason, we kind of just like, ah, it's you know.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: Just kind of put on cruise control.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not quite as important as my kids.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it is.
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: It's not quite as important as my hobby or quite as important as my work or you, whatever that is.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: And you know, I think, we, I think, like I said, with everything going on, I think it's vital that we do panic, like you said, about our, our marriages and relationships and really say, okay, it's time to get those in order it's time to get them in order.
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: It's time well, I, if you've listened to the last podcast episode we are sponsored by vital health products usacom.
• 31:13
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• 31:55
  Speaker 1: I feel so much better, so, yeah, we, we just really, really believe that in our marriage that good health also is such a big factor of a good marriage.
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: So we, yeah, herbs, vitamins, supplements Good for you, good natural stuff for you.
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so we appreciate you listening to the podcast, which one were we getting.
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, vitalhealthproductsusacom.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: Grab some and we will see you next time.