Latest / Deep-Grace Diving with Tim Wright and Terey Summers / Grief! Revisited

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Grief! Revisited · Deep-Grace Diving with Tim Wright and Terey Summers

0:12
Hey everyone,
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Tim Wright here,
0:16
the Deep Grace Diving Podcast and I'm here with Terry today.
0:21
SPEAKER_01: Terry is back with us and she's not been with us for a couple months.
0:26
SPEAKER_01: This is her, technically her first podcast back.
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We actually did a couple podcasts prior to this one just to
0:32
kind of give her some
0:33
SPEAKER_01: runway to get used to being back at it.
0:36
SPEAKER_01: As we have said many times over the last few weeks,
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SPEAKER_01: Terry has been going through some deep,
0:45
SPEAKER_01: deep grief.
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And she is at a point in her life where I think she's willing
0:52
to talk a little bit about it.
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SPEAKER_01: We're getting it raw, right, Terry?
0:54
SPEAKER_01: I mean, this is still fresh.
0:57
SPEAKER_01: You mentioned it was two months ago today that Jonathan passed away.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: Today's date.
1:03
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:05
I've kind of felt the clock tick on Thursdays because of it
1:11
happening on a Thursday night.
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SPEAKER_00: But today is actually the actual two month date.
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SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01: So we're going to we're going to talk about grief.
1:22
SPEAKER_01: Today, we all go through it.
1:25
SPEAKER_01: We're all going to experience loss some way, shape or form.
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SPEAKER_01: It might be the loss of a loved one.
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SPEAKER_01: It might be the loss of a job.
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Loss of a home whatever we all go through loss we go through
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grief but Terry is no
1:39
stranger to grief and so we're gonna let her talk a little bit
1:44
about it but I just
1:45
want to give people Terry sort of a sense of what you've been
1:48
through in your life
1:50
you lost your dad when you were pretty young 22 you were 22 and
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your dad died from
1:56
SPEAKER_00: cancer
1:58
SPEAKER_00: It was a cancer that they were unable to identify.
2:03
As a matter of fact,
2:04
I think on his death certificate,
2:05
it says undefined carcinoma.
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SPEAKER_00: And it hit hard, hard and quickly.
2:15
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
2:16
So how long was it between the time that you had the news and
2:19
he passed away?
2:23
SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, there were things going on that we suspected.
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SPEAKER_00: He had an original diagnosis of cancer and quote unquote,
2:33
SPEAKER_00: you know,
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SPEAKER_00: beat it when I was 10 years prior when I was 12.
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He was a weight lifter,
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athlete,
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and he had a gym in our home and a pulley broke.
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SPEAKER_00: and he worked out with his brother Jim,
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SPEAKER_00: his younger brother Jim,
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and a pulley broke and the weights came down and hit my dad on
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the right side of
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SPEAKER_00: his head.
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SPEAKER_00: Well, he didn't pass out or anything, but it was quite an impact.
3:02
And then about four or five months later,
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experienced some ringing in the air and things.
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Lo and behold,
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there was a tumor that had developed there and it was the same
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weird undefined
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SPEAKER_00: Carcinoma.
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SPEAKER_00: So they removed it surgically.
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There are all these things that were supposed to happen that
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really my dad,
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SPEAKER_00: through God's grace,
3:28
SPEAKER_00: just really got by without.
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But they had to give him so much radiation that they told him
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at the time,
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SPEAKER_00: cumulatively,
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SPEAKER_00: I know this sounds unbelievable,
3:40
SPEAKER_00: but it's true,
3:40
SPEAKER_00: that he had the equivalent to the bomb that was dropped in Japan.
3:48
and they kind of said that alone could bring it back and in
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fact it did so I want
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to say we learned no one could figure it out even even the
4:02
doctor that did the
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original surgery he actually missed something two years prior
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in a scan when my dad
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SPEAKER_00: was having weird symptoms
4:12
SPEAKER_00: And so when he went to Stanford,
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SPEAKER_00: my uncle worked there,
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SPEAKER_00: University Hospital,
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SPEAKER_00: and in August of two of us,
4:21
SPEAKER_00: excuse me,
4:22
SPEAKER_00: no,
4:23
SPEAKER_00: 86,
4:24
SPEAKER_00: 1986.
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SPEAKER_00: And they discovered very quickly that,
4:27
SPEAKER_00: in fact,
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SPEAKER_00: that original doctor had missed a return that had been two years prior.
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SPEAKER_00: And that really could have saved my dad's life had he detected that.
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SPEAKER_00: But it had already metastasized and was
4:43
SPEAKER_00: Oddly, pretty much everywhere.
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SPEAKER_00: So from the time we learned it in August,
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SPEAKER_00: late August,
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SPEAKER_00: early September,
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SPEAKER_00: he died on February the 7th of 2000.
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SPEAKER_00: I mean, excuse me, I keep saying that of 87.
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SPEAKER_00: So that's not very long.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
5:00
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01: And of course,
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grieving as a young daughter or a dad is different than the
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kind of grieving that
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SPEAKER_01: you
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SPEAKER_01: are going through now.
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And you'll have to remind me of the years,
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but you were married prior to Jimmy.
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SPEAKER_01: And I remember the phone call I got.
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SPEAKER_01: I was in Minneapolis.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01: And so tell us a little bit about that.
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Yes,
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Tim,
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you were one of the first I personally called or someone
5:33
connected us that night.
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SPEAKER_00: Jim died.
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SPEAKER_00: It was a surprise.
5:40
SPEAKER_00: And
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SPEAKER_00: Still don't totally have clarity on it 100%.
5:46
SPEAKER_00: It was definitely heart attack related,
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but they never could determine for sure if the heart attack
5:54
happened and then the
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SPEAKER_00: car accident that followed was a result of that,
6:00
SPEAKER_00: or had he gotten ill,
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SPEAKER_00: which he was earlier that evening,
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SPEAKER_00: and passed out and an impact caused the heart attack.
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SPEAKER_00: But regardless, he died
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SPEAKER_00: Tim Wright in 2007,
6:16
SPEAKER_00: excuse me,
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just in the evening returning home from he visited his dad and
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brother and he was
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just returning home and his car left the freeway witnesses said
6:31
uneventfully and he
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SPEAKER_00: exited
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SPEAKER_00: Tim Wright without braking at 65 miles an hour and hit a tree.
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He was an engineer and I kind of joke about it a little bit
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that that after seeing
6:45
SPEAKER_00: the car,
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SPEAKER_00: it was a Honda Element.
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He couldn't have aimed that there were I mean it landed right
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smack in the center
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of like this U shape the tree that he hit and it was just kind
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of like his life to
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SPEAKER_00: measure everything down to the but
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SPEAKER_00: That was a shock.
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SPEAKER_00: And I learned from police trying to get in touch with me.
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And we had Jim had struggled with depression and we'd been in a
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in a in a place
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SPEAKER_00: between the two of us.
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SPEAKER_00: And I kind of had fear that he might have taken his life because of
7:26
SPEAKER_00: the vagueness of the phone calls.
7:29
SPEAKER_00: So I hate to say I was a bit relieved that it was what it ended up being.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: But it flipped me upside down in a very different way.
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I was a little different back then in terms of just what God
7:43
had done in my life.
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SPEAKER_00: And I was on the cusp of great change and then sought great change.
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SPEAKER_00: I lost 170 pounds that came on
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In a time when I think I was living in a lot of hurt I wanted
8:01
children and I
8:02
learned we couldn't have any and I feel like not excusing
8:05
myself but I mean I think
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food just became a substitute and I was very large and and the
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death of Jim as I'm
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sure it does for anyone with a loss it does and a spouse in
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particular it does make
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SPEAKER_00: you pause and
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SPEAKER_00: In that time, I conquered a lot of things, a lot of fears.
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I'd struggled with some anxiety,
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which interestingly enough has kind of come back a little bit.
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But it was a powerful time in my life where I thought maybe
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this was a joke.
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SPEAKER_00: I really struggled with the idea of being alone.
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And I think from my childhood,
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I always feared I would be left or abandoned.
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SPEAKER_00: And here I was left.
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SPEAKER_00: Abandoned, essentially, I thought.
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SPEAKER_00: And so the grieving was different.
9:03
SPEAKER_00: The loss felt different.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: I recognize a lot of the same things that I'm feeling right now,
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SPEAKER_00: but there's so much that's totally brand new and totally piercing.
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SPEAKER_00: Tim Wright that I don't ever recall from either my father's death,
9:25
SPEAKER_00: which was debilitating,
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SPEAKER_00: too,
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SPEAKER_00: and then,
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SPEAKER_00: of course,
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SPEAKER_00: Jim's.
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SPEAKER_00: So, yeah.
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And you can tell us whatever you want to tell us,
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but with Jimmy's death,
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you weren't there.
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It was whether an accident or sickness or heart attack,
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you got the call from the police.
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SPEAKER_01: With Jonathan, you were there.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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SPEAKER_01: and you were celebrating your anniversary.
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SPEAKER_00: Yep.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
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SPEAKER_00: We, um, sorry, I, I'm gonna make it.
9:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm totally fine.
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SPEAKER_00: I just, it's.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
9:58
SPEAKER_01: Well, you just talk about the things that are going to be okay for you.
10:00
SPEAKER_00: It's good.
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SPEAKER_00: It's just so fresh.
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SPEAKER_00: Like,
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SPEAKER_00: you know,
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SPEAKER_00: I'm an easy crier too,
10:04
SPEAKER_00: just to be fair,
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SPEAKER_01: but,
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SPEAKER_00: um,
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SPEAKER_00: we had,
10:07
SPEAKER_00: um,
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SPEAKER_00: been pulling out of for about a year and a half.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm more than pulling out.
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SPEAKER_00: We had arrived at
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SPEAKER_00: a place and we're continuing to grow in it.
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SPEAKER_00: And actually,
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SPEAKER_00: I guess,
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SPEAKER_00: like a plane taking off,
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SPEAKER_00: we were,
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SPEAKER_00: you know,
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reaching altitudes that were not they were new to us in terms
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of just being free
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SPEAKER_00: from some repeated challenges.
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SPEAKER_00: And really, almost most of our marriage had one thing after the other.
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SPEAKER_00: And then just us navigating through that as two individuals who had
10:46
SPEAKER_00: You know,
10:47
SPEAKER_00: when you marry as an adult in your middle age,
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there's so much you bring to the table that you don't grow
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together with as if you
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SPEAKER_00: marry in your younger years,
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SPEAKER_00: not to say that's still not going to arise.
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SPEAKER_00: But so we were just in a,
11:03
SPEAKER_00: to coin a phrase,
11:04
we were in a really good place and one of the best places that
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we had as of yet
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SPEAKER_00: been in.
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SPEAKER_00: So we
11:15
SPEAKER_00: Wanted to be I'm a fan of the pines and so is Jonathan.
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SPEAKER_00: He was a mountain ish kind of guy also love the ocean,
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but so we wanted to be in the mountains and we had not never
11:30
traveled to Greer and
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I'd always heard of it and wanted to go and we had such a
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lovely drive up.
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SPEAKER_00: It was
11:44
SPEAKER_00: Unlike any that we'd ever had traveling.
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SPEAKER_00: And I, there's lots of reasons for that.
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SPEAKER_00: We don't really need to flesh out here, but it was just a great day.
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SPEAKER_00: And when we pulled in through Greer,
11:55
SPEAKER_00: our heads,
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SPEAKER_00: it's a one road in and our heads are just turning left to right,
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SPEAKER_00: taking everything in.
12:00
And we were having conversations like,
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what would it take to have a cabin up here?
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SPEAKER_00: I mean, this is just tranquil and stunning.
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SPEAKER_00: And
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SPEAKER_00: So when we got there, the sun was going down and it started to rain.
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And so we didn't want to venture back out that long road to
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grab something to eat.
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SPEAKER_00: So I had gotten us a cabin,
12:24
SPEAKER_00: one of the only places last minute to grab one,
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SPEAKER_00: which was at a resort called Edelweiss and a German influenced resort.
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SPEAKER_00: And we were actually in a cabin,
12:35
SPEAKER_00: but they had a restaurant in the resort and they let us bring Dipsy in.
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SPEAKER_00: So we did have dinner.
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SPEAKER_00: And in the dinner,
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SPEAKER_00: we had to eat in the bar because of bringing Dixie in,
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SPEAKER_00: but he went and walked up to the bar to grab our drinks.
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SPEAKER_00: They sat in iced teas for both of us.
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SPEAKER_00: And he got up and he said, gosh, my legs are killing me.
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SPEAKER_00: And I didn't remember that until just recently.
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SPEAKER_00: But long story short,
13:03
SPEAKER_00: when we finished the meal,
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SPEAKER_00: I had driven down after putting our luggage quickly,
13:08
SPEAKER_00: or not our luggage,
13:09
SPEAKER_00: actually,
13:09
SPEAKER_00: no,
13:10
SPEAKER_00: we just
13:10
SPEAKER_00: I just went in to look at the cabin.
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SPEAKER_00: I'd driven down, Jonathan walked down with Dixie.
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SPEAKER_00: So on the way back up, I said, babe, do you want a ride?
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And he,
13:18
because it was raining and lightly,
13:20
but it was,
13:21
he's no,
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my legs are killing me.
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SPEAKER_00: And Jonathan was not a person to note out loud things like that.
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SPEAKER_00: Like he just was not.
13:31
SPEAKER_00: And so I kind of tilted my head in curiosity.
13:34
SPEAKER_00: And I remember thinking to him, oh, I'm so glad I brought some Tylenol.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: And
13:40
SPEAKER_00: I drove and he made the way up.
13:42
SPEAKER_00: And when I got up, I saw my peripheral vision.
13:44
SPEAKER_00: He was leaning against the post, which also seems strange to me.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: And I had the keys and I took Dixie.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: I opened the door.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: I got inside and literally four or five steps to get her some water.
14:01
And I turned around and he was propping himself up,
14:04
it appeared,
14:05
on the back of the sofa.
14:06
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, dang, he's hurting.
14:08
SPEAKER_00: And he said, my back is killing me and my legs.
14:12
SPEAKER_00: Well, I said, I got a little scared.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: I said, because this is something so unusual for Jonathan.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: And I said, can I?
14:23
SPEAKER_00: Should I call?
14:24
SPEAKER_00: What's the matter?
14:24
SPEAKER_00: Because I don't know.
14:25
SPEAKER_00: That even scared me more.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: And then I said, should I call someone?
14:29
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
14:30
SPEAKER_00: So I said, can you come sit down?
14:32
SPEAKER_00: So when he moved, he moved like Frankenstein.
14:34
SPEAKER_00: It was like he could barely get one leg to move and all this sort of
14:38
Let in to what was going to soon unravel but so we sat down and
14:44
there was a
14:44
bathroom just literally like a foot step and then into the
14:49
bathroom I was right
14:50
there near him and I heard him grunting like and I thought oh
14:55
he's trying to get up
14:56
SPEAKER_00: and his back starting.
14:57
This is not necessarily a mystery because Jonathan did
15:01
sometimes when he overworked
15:03
had a weird back thing but we've been driving for six hours so
15:06
I was just adding
15:07
SPEAKER_00: all this up as to
15:09
So when I came out of the bathroom and I just oh he said I
15:12
excuse me he was not
15:14
vulgar but brass he said I gotta pee but it sounded weird like
15:19
I don't miss
15:20
anything and I this whole experience is just reiterated that I
15:24
just heard a
15:24
SPEAKER_00: different tone like
15:26
Almost softer,
15:28
which he was soft spoken,
15:29
but like cotton in your mouth,
15:31
sort of.
15:32
SPEAKER_00: And I said, what?
15:33
SPEAKER_00: And he reiterated with a little bit more vibrato, I've got to pee.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: So I hurried.
15:38
SPEAKER_00: We're talking just seconds.
15:40
SPEAKER_00: And I came around and he was at the edge of the sofa.
15:45
SPEAKER_00: So in fact,
15:45
SPEAKER_00: he was trying to get up,
15:47
SPEAKER_00: but he was looking at me and the look was,
15:51
SPEAKER_00: I had not recognized that look before.
15:53
SPEAKER_00: And it was vacant.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: It was becoming vacant.
15:57
SPEAKER_00: And he was trying to say something to me and I'm like, babe, Jonathan.
16:03
SPEAKER_00: And about the second Jonathan,
16:05
SPEAKER_00: I started to freak out and I started slapping his face thinking maybe,
16:10
SPEAKER_00: you know,
16:12
SPEAKER_00: he was having a seizure or I don't know.
16:15
SPEAKER_00: And it then just went very quickly.
16:18
SPEAKER_00: I called 911 and I saw movements in his head and
16:25
He did wince once,
16:26
like not audibly,
16:27
but drew his eyes in as if something hurt.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: And then it was very brief.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: And then he tilted his head.
16:36
SPEAKER_00: And then that look became more and more vacant.
16:38
SPEAKER_00: And his mouth was open.
16:39
SPEAKER_00: And the 911 opera asked me if he was breathing.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: And I'd had my hand around his head.
16:44
SPEAKER_00: And he was leaning against the back of the sofa, or futon rather.
16:48
SPEAKER_00: And I was trying to feel for a pulse.
16:51
I sensed by cupping my hand over his mouth if I could feel
16:55
anything and I said I
16:57
don't think so I don't think so and then he made a noise a
17:02
breath like noise that
17:04
at the time I interpreted as a gasp but also having I was with
17:11
my brother-in-law
17:12
when he passed away and there was something familiar when he
17:15
exhaled and so in my
17:16
SPEAKER_00: spirit I thought oh and I was holding on to him
17:24
SPEAKER_00: at that time.
17:29
SPEAKER_00: My heart,
17:29
my spirit resonated that he went from hearing my voice and
17:37
having me hold him that
17:39
SPEAKER_00: he was with Jesus.
17:44
SPEAKER_00: It was a surreal feeling,
17:45
but I continued to do what the 911 operator said because I
17:49
thought even if he is
17:51
SPEAKER_00: gone,
17:51
SPEAKER_00: I know they do things.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: They revive.
17:55
SPEAKER_00: They are not sure what had happened.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: Well, I don't need to go through all of that.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: It was quite,
18:00
SPEAKER_00: maybe another time because it was really,
18:02
SPEAKER_00: I did recently listen to the 911 call again.
18:05
SPEAKER_00: I know people think, what are you doing to yourself asking for that?
18:08
SPEAKER_00: But the night was so surreal that I
18:11
I had to I'm that kind of curious person I needed to hear it
18:15
and and it did help me
18:18
and like I said maybe sometime we can revisit that but in the
18:24
moment I did what
18:24
they told me to and it was hard on me physically I'm out of
18:30
shape and this is not
18:33
SPEAKER_00: for weenies you know what I mean like this is intense and
18:38
Tim Wright I felt like my humor showed up and also my bravado
18:44
and I debated
18:48
politely but assertively with the 911 operator that I didn't
18:53
want to hear her tell
18:54
SPEAKER_00: me they're going to be there soon anymore.
18:56
SPEAKER_00: She needed to get me a time.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: And anyway,
19:00
it was about 10 minutes and then they came and they worked on
19:02
Jonathan for about an
19:04
SPEAKER_00: hour.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: But what we did learn
19:06
SPEAKER_00: Hindsight is, which made so much sense.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: I thought maybe it was a stroke.
19:11
SPEAKER_00: I wasn't sure,
19:12
SPEAKER_00: but,
19:12
SPEAKER_00: um,
19:13
SPEAKER_00: he,
19:14
SPEAKER_00: uh,
19:14
SPEAKER_00: per his symptoms and,
19:17
SPEAKER_00: uh,
19:18
SPEAKER_00: all the details that they,
19:20
SPEAKER_00: in the interview that the doctor had with me and also the sheriff,
19:24
SPEAKER_00: uh,
19:24
SPEAKER_00: they,
19:25
SPEAKER_00: they are certain without an autopsy,
19:27
SPEAKER_00: which I didn't want to do.
19:29
SPEAKER_00: And they weren't going to ask that of me.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: Um, uh,
19:35
SPEAKER_00: He died of an abdominal aortic aneurysm that ruptured.
19:41
SPEAKER_00: It would have been what caused that extreme pain in his legs.
19:46
SPEAKER_00: And then it also travels to your back.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: And then the doctor said, did he complain of his stomach?
19:52
SPEAKER_00: He didn't.
19:52
SPEAKER_00: But I did see that his stomach in all of the efforts to save him,
19:58
SPEAKER_00: you know,
19:58
they had to take his shirt off and I did see that his stomach
20:01
was distended
20:03
SPEAKER_00: You know, he carried a little belly, but it was not that.
20:05
So all that put together what he was when I thought he was
20:10
gone,
20:10
he was he was gone.
20:11
SPEAKER_00: So and then my you know,
20:15
SPEAKER_00: the evening went on with things that you just well,
20:18
SPEAKER_00: he's laying in front of me in the floor.
20:20
SPEAKER_00: They had me get Dixie out of the room.
20:22
So I watched a lot of their heroic measures happen from the
20:26
bedroom door being cracked.
20:28
SPEAKER_00: But they then when they tell me
20:31
SPEAKER_00: And just like they say in the movies, Tim, we've done all we can do.
20:37
SPEAKER_00: And I already been writing that out.
20:40
SPEAKER_00: So it was like a complete shock, but they covered him up.
20:45
SPEAKER_00: And I think that's when, you know, grief hit.
20:52
If there's anything that says someone's gone is that and in his
20:56
leg was sticking out.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: with just a sock on because they got his shoes off.
21:01
SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, those were chilling times.
21:05
SPEAKER_00: I hate that cabin.
21:06
SPEAKER_00: I hate the thought of it.
21:08
SPEAKER_00: It was so terrifying and frightening.
21:11
SPEAKER_00: And I know I'm carrying some of that still.
21:14
SPEAKER_00: But that launched, I want to say, not to be dramatic, but Terry
21:28
SPEAKER_00: Me, I changed that and I couldn't believe it.
21:38
SPEAKER_00: And to be honest, Tim, I still can't to so much a degree.
21:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
21:48
So it's almost like for you,
21:50
you've got this grief on top of grief on top of grief.
21:55
SPEAKER_01: Each of these grief experiences are different,
21:59
SPEAKER_01: but this third one,
22:03
SPEAKER_01: the trauma of that whole experience,
22:06
SPEAKER_01: the helplessness that you felt,
22:07
SPEAKER_01: what's going on,
22:08
SPEAKER_01: the questions,
22:11
SPEAKER_01: and then to have to relive that in your mind over and over again,
22:14
and then to be grieving at this stage of your life where you
22:19
sort of had these
22:20
SPEAKER_01: plans and were ready to go.
22:23
SPEAKER_01: What have you
22:25
SPEAKER_01: What I shouldn't say what have you learned?
22:27
SPEAKER_01: What are you learning about grief this time around?
22:35
SPEAKER_01: Well, besides that, it sucks.
22:38
SPEAKER_00: No.
22:39
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
22:45
SPEAKER_00: Oh, gosh.
22:47
One of the very first word that came to mind is that it is a
22:51
relationship I entered into with
22:54
SPEAKER_00: Tim Wright- within me with the pain of losing someone.
22:58
And what I mean by that is Tim Wright- like there's
23:03
conversations that grief and
23:05
SPEAKER_00: myself have,
23:07
SPEAKER_00: though grief is also part of me.
23:10
SPEAKER_00: It's this place I don't want to explore, but I have no choice.
23:15
So this relationship has been forced on me Tim Wright- and Tim
23:20
Wright- that it's very internal.
23:25
I couldn't quite I wasn't one to break it down but to
23:30
differentiate but I read
23:32
something or I heard something someone speaking and I've been
23:35
so curious this time
23:38
because I am so boldly and bravely different than I was in 2007
23:50
because I have
23:51
SPEAKER_00: fought through some things I gained a lot of that weight back
23:55
SPEAKER_00: in the gaining of that weight.
23:56
SPEAKER_00: I had to say, what, what, what is this?
23:59
SPEAKER_00: What, what is it?
24:00
SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
24:01
SPEAKER_00: There's something deep,
24:02
SPEAKER_00: deep,
24:03
deep in there that has you returning when you thought you'd
24:06
conquered something to
24:08
SPEAKER_00: take care of something.
24:10
SPEAKER_00: Well, I did find answers and have been through the digging.
24:16
SPEAKER_00: So this, this time with grief, I feel like I'm gonna, well,
24:24
Just off the bat,
24:26
I did not want to have anyone here with me when I came home.
24:30
SPEAKER_00: My brother and sister-in-law drove up that night.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: I was keeping them abreast of things,
24:36
hoping that they would paddle him and that that would change
24:42
things and they would
24:43
SPEAKER_00: be taking him to the hospital.
24:45
SPEAKER_00: So over that hour, I was constantly checking in.
24:48
SPEAKER_00: Well, when I had to say to my brother, he's gone.
24:54
They said he and my sister-in-law Michelle said can we do you
24:57
want us to come up
24:58
SPEAKER_00: and I am not someone to ask for things like that,
25:01
but I knew I had I said absolutely I could not get my mind
25:06
around even staying in
25:07
this space by myself now as it turns out I was with the sheriff
25:14
who's interestingly
25:15
enough named Jonathan and then the coroners come and what have
25:19
you so I was only by
25:20
SPEAKER_00: myself about an hour but
25:22
SPEAKER_00: Mark and Michelle, they drove up.
25:24
SPEAKER_00: It was about a six hour drive.
25:26
SPEAKER_00: You know, they left at nine and they got there at three.
25:29
But the wherewithal that I had to say I want to be by myself
25:39
was this position that
25:41
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to miss anything in the grieving.
25:45
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to
25:48
SPEAKER_00: I have a fearlessness about that,
25:51
SPEAKER_00: and I know it's anchored in my faith,
25:53
SPEAKER_00: but I knew that in previous losses,
25:59
SPEAKER_00: like I remember after Jim,
26:02
SPEAKER_00: I stayed at my mom's house.
26:03
SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that I felt like going home.
26:06
I stayed at my mom's house for probably seven days or something
26:08
like that.
26:09
but I just didn't want to I didn't want to wallow in this but I
26:14
wanted it's it's
26:15
not wallowing it is taking it as it comes because I don't get
26:22
this opportunity to
26:24
do grief from the beginning with the loss and so I would get
26:29
phone calls for and
26:30
SPEAKER_00: text messages or
26:32
SPEAKER_00: Tim Wright or is someone staying with her?
26:34
SPEAKER_00: Like I even see it on social media.
26:36
SPEAKER_00: All my nieces would say, call me Bobo.
26:39
SPEAKER_00: Bobo, we don't think you should be by yourself at this time.
26:43
SPEAKER_00: And I totally understand the need to comfort,
26:46
but I didn't want to be distracted and I didn't want to miss
26:52
because I loved
26:53
SPEAKER_00: Jonathan so deeply.
26:59
SPEAKER_00: I wanted every minute of
27:03
SPEAKER_00: Of what grief has brought me.
27:05
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:07
SPEAKER_00: Because it was because of my love for him that I was grieving.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: One couldn't be separate from the other.
27:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
27:17
SPEAKER_00: So.
27:18
SPEAKER_01: Boy, this is Terry.
27:19
SPEAKER_01: Can I just say here?
27:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:23
I don't think I've ever quite heard that perspective on grief
27:26
shared in that way before that
27:28
That you wanted to have this relationship with grief because
27:32
you loved your husband so much.
27:34
SPEAKER_01: And this is just a part of that love.
27:36
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
27:38
SPEAKER_01: And you have to go through this.
27:40
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
27:40
SPEAKER_01: Especially in our culture where we just come on.
27:43
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
27:44
SPEAKER_01: It's been a week.
27:45
SPEAKER_00: Right.
27:45
SPEAKER_01: Move on.
27:46
SPEAKER_01: And people who are grieving like you, you know, it's not about a week.
27:49
SPEAKER_01: It's about the rest of your life, but that you're not running from it.
27:55
SPEAKER_01: You're not necessarily
27:59
SPEAKER_01: enjoying it,
28:00
but it is a part of your relationship with Jonathan that you do
28:05
him honor and you
28:06
SPEAKER_01: do yourself honor by saying,
28:07
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to take this grief seriously.
28:09
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to feel it.
28:10
SPEAKER_01: I'm not going to be afraid of it.
28:13
SPEAKER_01: I'm not going to wallow in it.
28:14
SPEAKER_01: I'm just going to live in a relationship and then where Jesus takes me.
28:19
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I feel heard.
28:21
SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Tim.
28:22
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's really...
28:23
SPEAKER_01: So Terry, tell me a little bit, you know, I think sometimes
28:28
SPEAKER_01: People of Faith,
28:32
SPEAKER_01: we have expectations put onto us that if we're people of faith,
28:36
SPEAKER_01: that Jesus comes along and it makes it everything better.
28:39
SPEAKER_01: And that's not necessarily how it works.
28:42
SPEAKER_01: How has Jesus been a part of this grief experience for you?
28:45
SPEAKER_01: What does that mean that Jesus is even a part of it?
28:53
SPEAKER_00: I go to an initial conversation when I had,
28:56
SPEAKER_00: when I got the call from our doctor,
28:58
SPEAKER_00: he was filling out the death certificate and our,
29:01
SPEAKER_00: our doctor is a Jesus follower.
29:03
SPEAKER_00: And at the end of,
29:06
SPEAKER_00: of all of that,
29:07
SPEAKER_00: you know,
29:07
SPEAKER_00: and of course I was relieved to kind of at least know without,
29:11
SPEAKER_00: with,
29:12
SPEAKER_00: with some,
29:12
SPEAKER_00: without some doubt,
29:15
SPEAKER_00: mostly,
29:15
SPEAKER_00: you know,
29:17
SPEAKER_00: it's pretty certain that that's what took him.
29:19
SPEAKER_00: But the doctor said, Terry.
29:23
SPEAKER_00: Do you trust, and he used it in the present term, but it was inclusive.
29:31
SPEAKER_00: Do you trust Jonathan's life to Jesus?
29:37
SPEAKER_00: Hands down, absolutely.
29:40
SPEAKER_00: Do you trust your life?
29:44
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
29:46
SPEAKER_00: And that kind of set a tone for everything.
29:52
SPEAKER_00: Because
29:55
SPEAKER_00: In trusting, this hasn't challenged my trust.
30:00
SPEAKER_00: I have curiosities like, seriously, the night before our anniversary?
30:06
SPEAKER_00: And like, why in Greer?
30:08
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't want to ever go to Greer again.
30:10
SPEAKER_00: It's one of the most beautiful places in Arizona, like things like that.
30:13
SPEAKER_00: But in terms of trusting,
30:15
it just set a foundation for every kind of question that might
30:20
come about.
30:21
SPEAKER_00: And in that I did have
30:25
Because I like the Bible speaks of a piece that passes all
30:33
understanding.
30:33
And that was like,
30:35
there can't really be words put to it,
30:37
but it comes from this trust.
30:39
SPEAKER_00: And,
30:41
SPEAKER_00: and then about three days in,
30:44
I have been one that spends my mornings in a time with God and
30:50
they have become
30:53
SPEAKER_00: like oxygen to me now.
30:55
SPEAKER_00: I know that when we're in relationships with people that we love,
30:59
SPEAKER_00: particularly ones that we live with,
31:01
SPEAKER_00: that there is by design an exchange that occupies us.
31:07
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
31:07
Hopefully it's never interferes with the relationship that I
31:13
seek with God.
31:16
SPEAKER_00: But it takes up space.
31:22
SPEAKER_00: And so that space is hollow right now.
31:26
And I felt the like a vacuum like I wanted more of God with me
31:33
because that was
31:34
SPEAKER_00: what I knew to be.
31:36
SPEAKER_00: I knew it.
31:37
SPEAKER_00: I knew it.
31:37
SPEAKER_00: I knew it.
31:37
SPEAKER_00: Just like I knew my love for Jonathan and Jonathan's love for me.
31:41
SPEAKER_00: So I was I was reading and I the scripture
31:46
in this devotion of Jeremiah 29 11 and I don't know what
31:51
verbatim you might but for
31:53
I know the plans I have for you when I when I read that I'm so
31:58
sorry ah it took my
32:00
breath away because I trust that and so I had to go hmm yeah
32:07
three nights ago I I
32:08
SPEAKER_00: lose
32:15
SPEAKER_00: the love of my life.
32:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
32:18
And though I have a piece that he's with you and it's what our
32:26
relationship was built on.
32:28
SPEAKER_00: It was what our conversations were about so much.
32:32
SPEAKER_00: So I have that.
32:33
But are you saying then you know the plans you have for me not
32:38
to bring you harm to prosper and
32:44
uh it wasn't a hard pill to swallow it was just oh okay you
32:50
know what I mean like
32:51
it uh in the light of that I have had to I won't say I've had
32:57
to I chose to let
32:59
that be the platter that I I that this that this loss rests on
33:11
it's almost like
33:12
SPEAKER_00: It was presented under that umbrella of God knows.
33:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
33:19
SPEAKER_00: God knows.
33:20
SPEAKER_00: And those are answers that I might never understand or get,
33:25
SPEAKER_00: but I don't have to to know that he knows.
33:28
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
33:31
SPEAKER_01: Terry, this has been really good.
33:33
SPEAKER_01: Obviously, you're just two months in to this grief and that you're
33:39
have articulated very clearly,
33:40
we need to grieve because when we love deeply,
33:42
we grieve deeply.
33:44
And what our faith does is it meets us there in the depths and
33:50
carries us.
33:50
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't take away the hurt or the pain, it just carries us through.
33:55
SPEAKER_01: And I've been a pastor for over 40 years,
33:59
and over the years I've seen probably the best and the worst in
34:04
terms of saying
34:06
SPEAKER_01: things to people who are grieving.
34:08
SPEAKER_01: You know, because we just don't know what to say.
34:10
And there are some things that are just so,
34:14
they're well meant,
34:15
but so trite and so on.
34:16
SPEAKER_01: But there was a post on your, somebody, you reposted it.
34:22
SPEAKER_01: And I took a screenshot of it because I just, this really moved me.
34:26
I don't know why,
34:26
but I want to kind of close with this and see sort of why you
34:29
reposted it.
34:30
SPEAKER_01: When the skyline of our lives is forever changed,
34:34
SPEAKER_01: and we don't know what to do,
34:36
SPEAKER_01: how to be,
34:37
SPEAKER_01: or what to say,
34:39
SPEAKER_01: May God meet us in our grief.
34:42
In this place of emptiness and loss,
34:45
may we hold the hard,
34:47
the horrible,
34:48
and the hope."
34:50
SPEAKER_01: Wow, that's just, whoever wrote that, that really says it all.
34:58
SPEAKER_01: It does.
35:00
SPEAKER_01: And that God holds us in the horrible, in the hard, with hope.
35:08
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, may God meet us in our grief.
35:10
SPEAKER_01: That was just well said.
35:12
SPEAKER_01: So thank you very, very much.
35:16
SPEAKER_01: It's good to have you back.
35:18
SPEAKER_01: We love you.
35:19
SPEAKER_01: And we appreciate you sharing your story.
35:22
And I thank you and Community of Grace just for undergirding me
35:27
like you have.
35:28
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate it so much.
35:29
SPEAKER_01: You bet.
35:30
SPEAKER_01: So next week, we are going to make a little
35:39
SPEAKER_01: We're going to bring our good friend John D. Burgess back with us.
35:43
And the three of us are going to do a Bible study together each
35:46
week on the Gospel
35:47
SPEAKER_01: of Mark from the Bible,
35:50
SPEAKER_01: the New Testament.
35:51
SPEAKER_01: We get so many questions asked about faith and about life.
35:56
SPEAKER_01: And I thought,
35:57
SPEAKER_01: you know,
35:57
a lot of those questions need at least context and Jesus gives
36:01
us the context.
36:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
36:03
So for folks who maybe don't have the time or haven't had the
36:06
chance to do a Bible
36:07
SPEAKER_01: study,
36:07
SPEAKER_01: never done one,
36:09
SPEAKER_01: we're going to do a little three Bible study together,
36:11
SPEAKER_01: three of us,
36:12
SPEAKER_01: and people can listen in.
36:14
SPEAKER_01: And so we hope that you'll join us for that.
36:17
SPEAKER_01: If this grief podcast has been helpful,
36:20
share it with somebody and let them know that God loves them
36:24
too and that grief is
36:25
SPEAKER_01: okay.
36:26
SPEAKER_01: Grief is a gift.
36:27
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, of love.
36:29
SPEAKER_01: That's it hurts, but it's a gift in the end.
36:32
SPEAKER_01: So I hope you'll join us for that.
36:34
SPEAKER_01: Terry again.
36:35
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
36:35
SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Tim.
36:37
SPEAKER_01: Let's get some Morse code in here.
36:39
SPEAKER_01: Just remind us that we are graced.