Latest / No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women / Turning Tragedy and Loss into Purpose

Transcript

Turning Tragedy and Loss into Purpose · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Our silence says as much as our voices can.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, if we see something going on or that's a problem or how people are treating us that isn't working, voice it.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Our voices matter.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Every one of us, just by being on this planet, just by breathing, we have purpose.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: We we deserve to take up space.
• 0:23
  Mary: For centuries, the phrase shrinking violet was used to diminish women, to suggest we were meant to be small and meek.
• 0:31
  Mary: But in nature, violets are anything but weak.
• 0:34
  Mary: They're resilient, beautiful, and essential to the ecosystem.
• 0:37
  Mary: Hi, I'm Mary Rothwell, licensed therapist, and each week I sit down with women who remind us that being compared to a violet isn't an insult.
• 0:46
  Mary: It's a testament to strength, endurance, and the power of taking up space and living by your true nature.
• 0:52
  Mary: If you're ready to stop shrinking and start thriving, you're in the right place.
• 0:59
  Mary: Hey violets, welcome to the show.
• 1:01
  Mary: I have always used little reminders or things only I can see to help me stay centered and take up my space.
• 1:08
  Mary: During one particularly rough patch in my life, I wore a tiny pendant with my birthstone and the word peace in kinea form.
• 1:14
  Mary: When I was dealing with an awful supervisor at one of my jobs, I would wear socks with smiley faces or hot dogs on them.
• 1:21
  Mary: They were hidden inside my boots, but I knew they were there.
• 1:24
  Mary: They helped me not take myself or my situation too seriously.
• 1:28
  Mary: I don't need those types of things so much anymore.
• 1:31
  Mary: But recently when I set up an account with Claude AI, I put my name in as Your Highness.
• 1:36
  Mary: It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, but I can't tell you how much simple joy I get anytime I open the app and see the greeting of the day.
• 1:44
  Mary: Today it was back at it, Your Highness, how can I help you?
• 1:48
  Mary: It honest to goodness makes me feel taller and, well, special.
• 1:53
  Mary: My guest today owns her own royal title completely and proudly.
• 1:57
  Mary: In fact, my little old title for my AI app pales in comparison to her claim to the throne.
• 2:03
  Mary: She wore a crown for 730 days.
• 2:06
  Mary: That's all I know, and I can't wait to find out more.
• 2:09
  Mary: Because she identifies with the word queen, and I believe wholeheartedly that the words we use, especially when it comes to how we address ourselves, have a lot of power.
• 2:19
  Mary: And I'm guessing she doesn't hesitate to take up her space in the world.
• 2:23
  Mary: My guest today is Holly Fair, a powerhouse transformation coach, keynote speaker, Tony Robbins trainer, and someone who helps thousands break through their limiting beliefs to create extraordinary lives.
• 2:34
  Mary: Welcome to No Shrinking Vibe.
• 2:36
  Mary: It's Holly.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: It is so great to be with you, Mary.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just going to start out by saying my title is not pale yours in at all in comparison.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: We are all royal.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: You and I, all of your listeners, that's what my queen is all about.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I am not the queen, I am a queen.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And there is room for all of us to live our beautiful royal birthrights.
• 3:05
  Mary: Well, I believe that too.
• 3:07
  Mary: And I can't wait to find out how you got to where you are by doing this crazy thing.
• 3:13
  Mary: But before we get to that, I know that you have had some situations in your life that were not easy.
• 3:19
  Mary: And so I tend to say this a lot on this show.
• 3:22
  Mary: When we see someone show up, like you're showing up, you're looking beautiful, you have this crazy great energy.
• 3:29
  Mary: And I think we can make a mistake of thinking, oh, well, she's got it all together.
• 3:34
  Mary: She's always had it all together.
• 3:36
  Mary: And that's, I have not met anyone that's always had it all together.
• 3:40
  Mary: Right.
• 3:41
  Mary: Can you share some of the things or one pivotal moment from your life that you feel was the crossroads or something that brought you to where you are today?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I had a life starting as a young child, uh sexual abuse from a grandfather for a period of two years.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that gave me a sense of I'm bad, I'm wrong.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: This was back in the 80s when things weren't dealt with or talked about like they are as much now.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the message I got from my parents was don't tell your friends, don't tell people.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it I know it was because they didn't want me to come off as bad or dirty or anything, yet it instilled in me, don't be real.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: You have to have a shield up, you can't be all of you.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I lived through most of my life.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I I look back at pictures of when I was little teeny, and I my spirit is full of life and joyful, and I like to sing and dance and and play.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that I know exactly when that was stifled.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then I didn't really deal with it until my 20s when I finally could talk about it.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, got some help that, you know, life takes its turns.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I on paper, I did all the things.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I, you know, got married and bought a house and got my education and married someone who wasn't the he was good for the time, not for forever.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Split up.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I'm grateful for all of the things that that I because you learn along the way.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Found the wonderful guy I'm married to now, soulmate, and it was like, okay, now I'm gonna be a mom.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: I've you know, like this, uh I'd always wanted to be mom, and and I'd been doing a lot of healing inner work.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it took a while to get pregnant.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: When I did, it was an ectopic pregnancy, so I lost the baby, and that was devastating.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I knew I had heard heartbeat, yet they had to end the pregnancy because that's not a livable, a survivable thing for the mother.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I was in despair.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Decided because I was aging, I was 40 at the time, that I, you know, I have to try again and wasn't able to get pregnant again, did all the things, spent tens of thousands of dollars, IVF, you know, you name it.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And during this time, I just let myself go.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: It was every month, you know, having my cycle, and then it's like, oh, you failed again, oh, you failed again.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And all of the upset from childhood trauma was rearing its ugly head of see, you weren't good enough then.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: What makes you think that you can bring a life into this world?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I was telling myself awful things, and I spent two years almost bedridden of guilt and shame and despair and grief.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And during this time, I gained a ton of weight, uh, a lot of weight.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: I watched streaming all the time and ate.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I was telling myself, oh, well, I've gained weight because I was on all those hormones.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, yeah, they they messed with my body a bit, but you know, if you eat a lot and you lay around in bed all the time, hmm, you know, there there are consequences.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: In one of my Netflix-induced stupors, I saw a show on Netflix called I'm Not Your Guru.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it is about a Tony Robbins event, date with destiny, and it goes through and it's a documentary.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I told my husband, I'm like, babe, you got to watch this with me.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then after it was over, I said, okay, we are going.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: We are going to this event.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, okay, I just felt in with you know, my soul, okay, this is what I need.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: We went to the next one a few minutes later.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: And the event is all about diving into what your limiting beliefs are, what your rules are to be happy versus sad.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it's amazing.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: We have all kinds of things that can make us, you know, upset for the day, yet it's so hard to feel joy.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: We make it that way for ourselves and to really see, okay, what are the goals?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew I, for my health, I needed to lose a hundred pounds.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was a big goal for me.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And another goal was to be able to go through the grocery store and not cry and leave crying because there are all these pregnant women with their babies and you know, little toddlers in tow, and I would literally leave my cart and have to go out and just, you know, not do that.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: On the last day of the event, day six, the very last uh exercise, Tony Robbins called me up on stage and said, you know, Holly Fair, come on up.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Okay, you know, from what I I know about you, you are living in a lot of sadness.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Is that correct?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Yes.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Oh, you know, we're going to get this into your system, your new beliefs, your new values about yourself, so that you're gonna walk away from this and your life's going to be different.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready or not?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yes, I'm ready.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I owned that stage.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: I played full out, and that's who I am, really inside.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yet I'd been letting her hide through not just my actions, but all this extra weight.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was cocooning myself.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: I was shielding myself from the world.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yet I was craving the love and the attention and the affection.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And he asked a question.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: He said, What would you have to forget to go back to that sad life?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Something welled up inside me, and I said, I would have to forget that I am a queen.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I ceremoniously crowned myself on that stage in front of 5,000 people.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: They're up on their feet, they're standing on their chairs, they're cheering for me, they're crying with me.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: They are seeing me in all my rawness, in my vulnerability, in my pain and in my victory.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it shifted like that.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: My old story of I don't fit in, no one likes me.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I now saw they were all on my team and I was on theirs.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: The world is so much brighter when you're not looking for people to be mean to you or to leave you out.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hello, if I'm looking, whatever we're looking for, we're going to find.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I decided, okay, what's wrong is always available, and so is what's right.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to look for what's right.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I got a gym membership and a personal trainer and nutritionist and met with my doctor, and I got a plan, and I started losing some weight and getting in shape.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: It was a little bit slow going, which I was 276 pounds at the time.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was big.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I, you know, things, things were up and down, and I was doing okay.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: For fun, I bought a tiara.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, well, this would be fun for some photos.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And we were on a trip to Paris, and I thought, okay, standing outside the gates of Versailles, isn't this perfect?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I put on my my crowd and and it was so much fun.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I had the neatest reactions from people that I thought, hmm, this would be a fun experiment.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'll wear it for a month every day, everywhere I go, and document the experience.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I took selfies and, you know, okay, this is where I went.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And that turned into three months, which turned into a year, which turned into just shy of two years.
• 12:17
  unknown: Oh my.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: I wore it, I'm telling you, everywhere, out weeding my front flower beds, walking the dog, running at the gym, at the supermarket, at Costco.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you name it, I wore it.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: And we also did some extensive travel during that time.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: I went to Egypt wearing it, South Africa, Peru, Ecuador, the Galapagos Islands, London, Paris, you know, all over the United States.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just so much fun.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: The reactions it was an anchor to me to remind me of who I was.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, I'm a queen.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it required me to show up.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: It was the exact counterbalance that I needed to stop hiding and be seen.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: People even were staring, you know, it's unusual.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody's thumping their melon in the store, and you know, so I, you know, I got a little, huh?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: I could shy away or I could meet them head on and have conversations.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I did.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it was so much fun.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: I and I just want to explain how it I felt like it was important also to define who my queen is.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: My queen, she is gracious, she is kind, she is generous, she is nurturing, she supports others, she shines her light so that others can shine brighter as well.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: She is not a ruler over anyone.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a uh, you know, I have I'm holding court and you're my subjects.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is a wow, I am ruling, reigning over my own destiny.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I am an ambassador of, hey, we're all royal and we all have that goodness within.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, I see a fellow queen with her crown, a little bit askew, I help her straighten up instead of oh, you know, it's about uplifting the world.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so it it has really there's a really long answer to the moments of where I was at the pivotal moment, and then here where I've I've found myself.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 14:33
  Mary: Well, talk about a very comprehensive definition of mindset.
• 14:38
  Mary: You know, I think we hear that word and it's like, oh, I just need to change my mindset.
• 14:42
  Mary: And yours was a 180.
• 14:46
  Mary: Yes.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Mindset is all about the thoughts you think, the language you use.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: If a lot of us beat ourselves up with our language, we say things to ourselves that other people, we would never say to a friend or you know, a loved one.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that was stupid.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you know, look, you look fat and that and all of those things.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, so it's it's about deciding, okay, what am I going to focus on?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: What is important in my life?
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: What matters?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: And shifting if you catch yourself, because we all I still have moments where I wobble and it's a rough day.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, it's not all sunshine and roses every minute.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's the, okay, I've decided to quickly, all right, I'll give myself a bit to feel it's important to feel our feelings, feel the feelings, and then regroup and go, okay, what is important?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I I believe it's also looking at the things that we find as upsets in our life and seeing what is it I can learn from that?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: What what gifts have I been given from that situation?
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: We learn from the hard times even more, I think, than we do from the good times.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: What lessons, what and even more than lessons, because sometimes lessons sounds like, well, lesson, you know, you learned your lesson.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, it's what gifts have you been given, have you received from those experiences?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so I can honestly say that where I am now, I am grateful that I went through that abuse as a child.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: I am grateful I lost my baby because the gift that those things gave me, I now have found myself.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: I am at a point place where I can understand others, I can relate, I can connect because I've been there, I understand it.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And if I had that little girl, and I know she's a little girl, her name was Aurora, and she's still with me in spirit.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: She gave me the gift of my of my queenhood and of being able to affect so many more people and be on this path.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: I never would have done the really intense work that I've done because I would have been so wrapped up in being the best mom ever, which is a great thing.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's beautiful.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't the the right, you know, it wasn't the purpose that I was meant to play.
• 17:28
  Mary: Well, in all of that, you said many important things, but one of the things that really stood out to me was you said feel your feelings.
• 17:33
  Mary: And I think sometimes we can hear some some people may hear what you're saying and be, oh, toxic positivity.
• 17:40
  Mary: And that's not what we're talking about.
• 17:42
  Mary: Not at all.
• 17:42
  Mary: It's not denying that things suck sometimes.
• 17:46
  Mary: Right.
• 17:47
  Mary: Yeah.
• 17:47
  Mary: It's acknowledging, processing, allowing there to be bad days, and then coming out into the sunshine again.
• 17:57
  Mary: Right.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's the okay, the clouds will, they will pass, they always do.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: I we've survived everything we've been through to this point.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Therefore, okay, we've proven to ourselves, yep, we can do it again.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, that the toxic posity, it's not, it's not the good vibes only type of thing.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's the okay, yeah, things are bad things happen to people.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not I'm not justifying or saying that what he, you know, my perpetrator did is okay, because it absolutely wasn't.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: I can say that I receive the gifts now that I've things that I've learned and where I am now.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: And and the beautiful human that I am, that years ago I didn't like myself, let alone love myself.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now I can genuinely say, even through the rough days, I love me.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: I love this woman that I've I've built her, I've let her out, I've let that inside shine.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: And and with what you're doing, Mary, I bet you feel so purposeful every day because you know that what you're doing matters.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's in your heart.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's who you are on the inside, right?
• 19:13
  Mary: Oh, yeah.
• 19:14
  Mary: Yeah, that's how I've made pretty much every career choice in my life.
• 19:18
  Mary: You know, how do I make the world better each day?
• 19:21
  Mary: Um, so and you know, as a therapist, what I'm thinking as you're saying this, I mean, to say, you know, you can have gratitude that you lost a child.
• 19:31
  Mary: I think some people on their journey are not where you are and could be like, there would be an audible gasp.
• 19:38
  Mary: Right, of what's wrong with her.
• 19:40
  Mary: Right.
• 19:41
  Mary: This is coming directly from choice theory.
• 19:44
  Mary: William Glaser has a choice theory.
• 19:46
  Mary: And it's basically we get to choose.
• 19:48
  Mary: Like it doesn't matter what happens, we define what it means for us.
• 19:55
  Mary: And it's okay to be able to see an event that we would pretty much universally say that was tragic.
• 20:02
  Mary: That was that was negative.
• 20:04
  Mary: And we are allowed to then reassign a meaning to it because we have a choice and how to move through that.
• 20:13
  Mary: And then what is that fuel for the next part of life?
• 20:17
  Mary: And so this brings me around to one of the questions that you could have continued to wallow in victimhood, because I think there's that negative thinking.
• 20:27
  Mary: Yes.
• 20:28
  Mary: And I do want to also revisit the abuse, but we can really get lost in why did this happen to me?
• 20:35
  Mary: Why did this happen to me?
• 20:36
  Mary: All these things are happening to me at many times in life.
• 20:40
  Mary: Surely, again, we have a choice.
• 20:42
  Mary: We make sometimes decisions, like we do decide I'm going to eat five cupcakes sometimes after, but there's also a lot of things that just life just does to you.
• 20:53
  Mary: So, how did you?
• 20:55
  Mary: I mean, you talked about Tony Robbins.
• 20:57
  Mary: It was obviously a just a moment in time where where it was kismet.
• 21:01
  Mary: It was like, this is where I'm going.
• 21:03
  Mary: Yeah.
• 21:04
  Mary: How would you help people or suggest to people how do they move from why me to what's next?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: Looking really seriously, uh sometimes I think it's good to step back a bit.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, if you were watching a movie, or if a friend was going through this, what would your advice be for your friend?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: What would you see were the gifts that she received?
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what what golden nuggets could she take out?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: What advice could you give her to help her through the kind things that and because then it's not a so personal, it's oh, you know, well, well, but, but, yeah, but you know, this happened, but oh well, you know, both my parents were overweight.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, they, you know, do are both overweight.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: But, but, well, okay.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I think so.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Stepping back, getting a little bit of distance so that it's not so raw.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: And feeling and being heard, I think talking to people, talking through it is really valuable.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: Seeing a therapist, seeing a coach, spending time with people who are going to be uplifting.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: We all have those friends that just call us to gripe.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it's, you know, yes, hi.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you just don't want to even listen to them anymore.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you sort of you can set the phone down and go about your business and then come back, uh-huh, you know, 10 minutes later, and they're still deciding, okay, I don't want to be that person.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's draining, that's draining on everyone.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: And most of all, it's draining on yourself if you're constantly in that because it's a self-fueling fire.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then you're just willing, God, universe, whatever, to have bored things.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when it rains, it pours, sure.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then if you're okay, I I could have an umbrella, but I'm not going to, I'm just gonna suffer through this.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then, oh, see, another rainstorm came when you could have done some work, some healing, some preparation, and decided I'm worth having an umbrella.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: I am worth, yeah, sure, I'll get a little bit wet, and that's okay because I'm worth some shelter.
• 23:36
  Mary: Yeah.
• 23:37
  Mary: Yeah.
• 23:38
  Mary: And the other thing with these limiting beliefs, you know, and negative thinking.
• 23:43
  Mary: Well, first I want to say, I'm glad that you brought up getting help because often we we have that negative thinking that can many times come from trauma.
• 23:52
  Mary: And it can be really hard to pull ourselves out of that.
• 23:55
  Mary: It isn't just like, oh, cheer up, you know, just just change your thinking.
• 24:00
  Mary: It can be a little bit deeper than that.
• 24:01
  Mary: And so, yes, sometimes it's very important to find someone to help you.
• 24:07
  Mary: And you deserve that.
• 24:09
  Mary: It's not, oh, I can't because I don't have insurance.
• 24:12
  Mary: Well, there's always a way.
• 24:13
  Mary: There's you know, there's always a way because it you get one life.
• 24:17
  Mary: Exactly.
• 24:19
  Mary: Depending on what you believe, you have this life right now to live.
• 24:22
  Mary: Yeah.
• 24:22
  Mary: And the other thing that you bring up that is such a theme on this show is how we allow other people to determine our worth.
• 24:30
  Mary: So there's there are not many things in life that are as damaging as sexual abuse.
• 24:36
  Mary: Because here, talk about ultimate perpetration upon someone, spirit, mind, body.
• 24:44
  Mary: And what we take from it often as women is shame.
• 24:49
  Mary: We feel responsible.
• 24:50
  Mary: We are ashamed when we had nothing to do with it.
• 24:55
  Mary: You know, it's the society makes us think, well, what did you do?
• 24:59
  Mary: You know, what should you have done?
• 25:00
  Mary: And so the and the other part I want to bring up is we often women often put on weight.
• 25:08
  Mary: When there was something that happened like that, sexual abuse, yes, this we don't often recognize it, this unconscious thing.
• 25:16
  Mary: I want to be as unattractive as possible.
• 25:18
  Mary: Exactly.
• 25:18
  Mary: And I didn't realize that for years and years.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:22
  Mary: And it has nothing to do, sexual abuse has nothing to do with attractiveness, want to be very clear.
• 25:27
  Mary: Um, but so, so often, you know, when we have something like that, it is so difficult to first of all recognize like you had that work to do.
• 25:38
  Mary: How is this weaving its way into so many things in my life?
• 25:42
  Mary: And we think, okay, well, I handled that in my 20s.
• 25:45
  Mary: It's like, yeah, but did you?
• 25:47
  Mary: Like how deep are those roots?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it takes uh it there's it's an onion.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: You have to keep peeling the layers.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: And sure, there are every layer there's healing, and then something will happen that it kind of hurt, and I'll go, didn't I deal with this already?
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, here it comes again.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you know, whatever the situation.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: If I drill down far enough, that's where it lands.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that's that was the the root of it.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: It it is it is troubling.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: And sexual abuse, as you said, it affects body image, it affects how we deal with other people, uh, other intimate relationships, even friendships, um, things that we can or can't say, our workplace confidence, it really does a number on just overall that that feeling of you don't deserve protection and and the shame.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so sad.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: And even, you know, and especially with older children and adults, there's the, oh, well, did it really happen?
• 27:03
  unknown: Yeah.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: We need to, we need to listen and we need to I feel err on the side of, okay, what truth is there there?
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: Versus, you know, jumping to the the other side of, oh, well, was were you drunk or you know, were you wearing skimpy clothes?
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what did you do?
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: You were you leading him on?
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's like now there's there should be that that body sovereignty as well.
• 27:35
  unknown: Yes.
• 27:36
  Mary: Yeah, we have been brought up with such a narrative of you deserve that, or nice girls don't do this, or see, see what happens when you dot dot dot.
• 27:46
  Mary: And so we look to adults to learn who we are.
• 27:50
  Mary: And so when I think about what you said about how when you shared what happened, part of the advice was don't talk about that.
• 27:58
  Mary: And it's like I can viscerally feel that piece of you get shoved back into the back of the cave.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 28:07
  Mary: That's so that's so, so hard.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:12
  Mary: And then that limiting, so we talk about limiting narratives narratives on this show a lot.
• 28:17
  Mary: And so I want to talk a little too about and come around to this um wearing your crown.
• 28:24
  Mary: I can hear people, first of all, the first thing that I think people listening are going to think, I would be so freaking embarrassed because I would it as a therapist, I would give people assignments, especially if there's a lot of social anxiety, safe assignments, do this thing.
• 28:40
  Mary: And sometimes it's like, oh my God, I can't do that.
• 28:42
  Mary: People will laugh at me.
• 28:44
  Mary: People will.
• 28:44
  Mary: So I'm thinking of you deciding I'm gonna step out and I'm gonna wear this thing pretty much all the time when you're in public.
• 28:54
  Mary: And so I think when And even around my house, I was inside doing the dishes with it on.
• 29:02
  Mary: Well, you really so that really fueled that change in mindset.
• 29:07
  Mary: But this idea of imposter syndrome, because I think, too, there's gonna be some people thinking, Well, am I a queen?
• 29:15
  Mary: Like, am I really?
• 29:17
  Mary: So talk a little about what that experience was.
• 29:21
  Mary: Is there something that stood out that somebody's reaction that you really remember that maybe wasn't positive, or your family, your partner?
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what was all that like?
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: My husband was extremely supportive through it all.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: He thought it was kind of quirky, but he was just like, oh, well, you know, whatever.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: He saw the way I was showing up differently and was like, hey, it's working for you, go for it.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: My mother, of all people, was the worst critic.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: In her world, it is not safe to be different, it is not safe to stand out.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, she was the good girl, she did her hope work, she never got in trouble, she blindly believes in her faith.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, she's not a question ask, she's just a uh worker be and she saw it as me wanting attention as me wanting the spotlight and felt like it was inappropriate.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: And we had some really heated conversations on her part.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: I, with my work, was able to stay skillful and you know, I understand what you're saying, and this is how I feel.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I'm doing, this is important to me right now.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: But and when we were going to Egypt, she's like, you know, those people in the Middle East, they don't like Americans.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: And what if somebody takes it off your head and stabs you with it?
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, it's like this visceral, like like I know, and I'm like, I'm going, okay.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: I know that her message, her, her deep-seated was, Holly, I don't want you to get hurt.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to be safe.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want people to make fun of you or laugh at you.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, like I I I can see, I can understand that was where she was coming from.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: I felt extremely misunderstood by her.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and one friend did say, and she's Native American, and she sent me a message and said, I know the crown is your thing, but I have some issues because of colonialism.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I it just doesn't land for me.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: And at first I was like, Well, you're my friend, you should get it.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then I thought, okay, no.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: What is she telling you?
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: I then made sure that my messaging was more clear.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: I always have said I am a queen, not the queen.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: I then added, I am the queen over my destiny, not anyone else, because I I value her her voice and her feelings.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I am now in gratitude of her speaking up because that helped me to dial in and go, oh, because that's not my, that's not what I want to perpetuate, you know, like have anyone feel that way at all.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is about uplifting.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so that that ended up being uh quite a gift that she gave me of of all right, let's let's help this narrative so that people understand that that what I really mean is goodness.
• 32:37
  Mary: Well, and there could have been other people that felt like that was a barrier, but you wouldn't know.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, she was she was brave enough to say and confident enough in herself to say, you know, this is how I feel.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so I really do, I really am grateful for that.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: And and I feel like we all owe it to ourselves and to others.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: And my mom was doing, she was doing what she believed was right.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I honor her also for having those tough conversations because it wasn't fun for her to confront me and you know, tell me what I was doing wrong.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: The way she went about it wasn't necessarily as skillfully as I would have appreciated.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: But that's okay.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: I I get the intent.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: Our voices, our silence says as much as our voices can.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, if we see something going on or that that's a problem or how people are treating us that isn't working, yeah, voice it.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: Our voices matter.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: Every one of us, just by being on this planet, just by breathing, we have purpose.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: We we deserve to take up space here.
• 33:47
  Mary: Oh, 100%.
• 33:48
  Mary: And it's interesting because my mom probably probably would have been the same way.
• 33:52
  Mary: So I think they're the probably the same generation.
• 33:54
  Mary: Generation.
• 33:55
  Mary: Yeah, my mom's not living anymore, but very motivated by fear.
• 33:59
  Mary: That message that they got was so much more indelible than even what we have gotten of stay small, don't make waves, don't be weird.
• 34:08
  Mary: You have a certain way to dress and look and be.
• 34:10
  Mary: Yes.
• 34:11
  Mary: And it's not expansive.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's very cookie-cutter.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: They went to the same job for 50 years and you know, retired with a gold watch.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it it was very, yeah, very much that way.
• 34:23
  Mary: Yeah.
• 34:23
  Mary: Which is why I chose the title for my podcast of No Shrinking Violets, because we do shrink.
• 34:29
  Mary: Okay, so if there's if someone is listening and they have been mired in whether it's a weight issue or an abuse issue or or a divorce or all of the things, because you've your life has checked a lot of those boxes.
• 34:42
  Mary: Right.
• 34:44
  Mary: What would you love for them to hear and believe as a starting point?
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_00: You matter.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_00: You are worthy, you are beautiful, you have gifts.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: Living those gifts, being the real you that's always been inside that maybe has never even shown.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was so oppressed as a little one that, you know, from fear, you know, society, our parents, our teachers, our siblings, we start, as you mentioned, we become what we are the reflection of what other people are saying about us or or how they're treating us.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: In your heart, take an inventory of all the things you're good at.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: And have the list as my as little of minute things as possible.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really good at stacking up the dishes, you know.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm super good at, you know, Tetrising the dishes in the dishwasher.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: I get a lot in, you know, I'm really good at, you know, painting my fingernails.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really kind to strangers.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: I always hope hold doors open for for you know older ladies, like all the little things.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: Realize what a huge list you have of all the goodness about you.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: Those other little flaws, I don't like to call them flaws.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: I call them quirks.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I have some quirks about me.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, and I can own quirky, I can own silly.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: Stupid, no.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, uh stupid to me, you say stupid, and I just like la la la, I'm not listening because I I just you know I'm repelled by that.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's silly.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_00: There, you know, I'll do silly things.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it's all about the language that we say to ourselves.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: So take an inventory of, all right, what are all the great things about me?
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then also, what are the things I'm saying about myself?
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_00: I for my clients, I have them go for a week journaling.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: Anytime they catch their inner dialogue, what is it?
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: What is it saying?
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: Is it that was stupid, that was dumb, uh, I always mess up, I never do anything right, you know, whatever it is, no judgment, no judgment and just looking and then okay, let's break that pattern.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: Being aware of it is the first step, and then we can make changes.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: Then we can reframe of like just like silly, you know, that's that's a silly thing or that's quirky.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I have a a friend who instead of saying, Oh, I messed up, she says, Oh, I'm so adorable.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so adorable, I'm being adorable again.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then we all kind of laugh and giggle.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_00: It it's a fun, cute thing versus the beat up.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not, oh, I'm so adorable again.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's the, oh, isn't that adorable?
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's the way the tone, the attitude.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: So there are little things that we can do that just that help us shift the mindset.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: Even, even just a two millimeter shift can change the trajectory over a long expanse.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's making those little shifts at first that can then get you to a point where you can find an ally in, you know, a therapist, a coach, friends who are advanced, who are also doing the inner work.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_00: If we rely on the friends who are those downers all the time or themselves in victimhood, we'll get sucked right back in.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: So it's about finding people who are going to support us in our positive choices.
• 38:40
  Mary: And knowing whose voice are you hearing?
• 38:43
  Mary: You know, somewhere along the way, someone told us, or many people told us.
• 38:47
  Mary: And then you made this point in the beginning that we then decide where we're going to focus.
• 38:53
  Mary: So we can focus on our failures because we all have failures, but failures are learning tools, you know.
• 38:59
  Mary: Okay, what went wrong there?
• 39:00
  Mary: What could I do differently next time?
• 39:02
  Mary: Failure isn't an indictment of worth.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's an observation.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 39:07
  unknown: Yeah.
• 39:08
  Mary: And we all fail.
• 39:09
  Mary: And sometimes if you don't fail, you don't get to the thing.
• 39:13
  Mary: And I, you know, you've made that point, I think, very well.
• 39:16
  Mary: If things hadn't gone wrong, you wouldn't, you would be at a different point in life.
• 39:20
  Mary: So I think being aware of whose voice are you really hearing because it's not yours.
• 39:25
  Mary: Those negative thoughts.
• 39:27
  Mary: And I think the other thing that I want to say, and again, I'll I'll sort of say this as a therapist when you get past worrying that are people are going to laugh at you or look at you weird, the power in that, because there's always going to be somebody, it doesn't matter how perfect you try to be, which is unattainable.
• 39:44
  Mary: There's going to be somebody, whether it's coming from jealousy or just they're having a bad day, they're going to give you the side eye.
• 39:51
  Mary: And it's like if you stop being affected by that and you just continue sweeping down the road with your crown on and robe, it's that power of being a and I don't think we're ever impervious to others, but we can get pretty darn close.
• 40:11
  Mary: Yeah.
• 40:12
  Mary: Just you.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I have found that the more authentic I really am allowing myself to be, the less that stuff concerns me.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm not, I'm honestly not seeing it.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_00: People treat me well.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, people treat me with respect.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have cat calls from men, you know, like it's like different things like that.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_00: I I am I am treated with respect when I go into a restaurant or you know, wherever it is.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I treat others with respect, you know, in return.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I am looking for now as this, hey, this is me.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I'm not everybody's flavor.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm a little extra, uh, you know, but I feel like it's a little extra in all the right sparkly, you know, magical ways.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay if some people they don't like my flavor.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's all right.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm not going to concern myself with that.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_00: I've got enough of my goodness.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm comfortable in my own skin.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: I know who I am.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I have a feeling that you know who you are as well.
• 41:25
  Mary: Oh, yeah.
• 41:25
  Mary: We all know.
• 41:26
  Mary: And I think it's we doubt when those voices that we've listened to for too long say, yeah, no, stand down.
• 41:33
  Mary: Like that's and it typically comes from fear.
• 41:36
  Mary: But yeah, I will say that I feel energized just talking to you.
• 41:41
  Mary: This has been fabulous.
• 41:43
  Mary: So share with us how you help people, where they can find you.
• 41:47
  Mary: I'm going to put all your info in my show notes.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_00: Fabulous.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_00: I am a speaker.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_00: I have spoken on Tony Robbins stage several times now.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_00: I also do keynotes at different conferences and businesses and expos.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_00: I also coach.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_00: I have a I specialize with women who are midlife, who feel like been there, done that, have either lost the fire or never thought that they found the fire and are ready to, okay, I know there's something next.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_00: What is it?
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready for it.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I help these women find that, reintroduce themselves to themselves.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_00: And they're not all in love with the queen motif.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, everyone has their own archetype that they lean to.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I have a superhero client, you know, I have a bodybuilder client, you know, that that she's the the buff bodybuilder.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's kind of her identity.
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_00: And and it's whatever resonates with you, it's it's finding that and tapping into that so that you know they can really figure out how they shine the best.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_00: Please reach out to me.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_00: My website is fireuplife.com.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like it sounds f-i-re-up e dot com.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_00: You can reach me at Holly at fireuplife.com.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_00: And if you mention no shrinking violets, you can get an hour-long strategy session where we can look and see what the gaps are of what life you're living right now and how to close those gaps to get where you'd like to be.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's excellent.
• 43:30
  Mary: Thank you so much, Holly.
• 43:31
  Mary: What a great conversation.
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's been fabulous.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_00: Love to you and love to the audience.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, our crayons are there.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_00: Let them shine.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_00: Let your big, bright beautifulness be out there and be real and be that gift that you were meant to be.
• 43:47
  Mary: Awesome.
• 43:48
  Mary: What a great note to end on.
• 43:49
  Mary: So thank you again.
• 43:50
  Mary: And I want to thank everyone for listening.
• 43:52
  Mary: If you are thinking of someone as you're listening to this that needs to hear what we talked about today, please forward this episode to them.
• 43:59
  Mary: And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.