Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #31: My Stay-at-Home Adult Child is NEET: What That Means and What Parents Can Do to Help

Transcript

#31: My Stay-at-Home Adult Child is NEET: What That Means and What Parents Can Do to Help · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have a neat adult child living in your home?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean tidy.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I mean N E E T.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's an acronym, and when I explain what it means, it's gonna shock you.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: In this episode, I'll do more than just tell you what it stands for.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna talk about how to know if this is your adult child, why this might have happened, and more importantly, what you can do about it.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: So let's begin with these questions.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have an adult child living at home who isn't working, isn't in school, and isn't even trying or in training to do anything?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Do they sleep in half the day?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Avoid talking about their future, and you're tiptoeing around them just to keep the peace?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is a NEAT kid.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And many of them have actually accepted this lifestyle.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're okay with it.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can read it for yourself, you know.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Just go on to Reddit and look up NEAT.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: These kids aren't hiding how they feel, not from anyone, except of course their parents.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: So what does the acronym NEAT stand for?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: It means NOT in education, employment, or training.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: The term comes from researchers who were looking at how young adults have chosen to not work, study, or build any skills.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, they're not launching.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And the scariest part is the longer they stay as NEETs, the harder it is to change.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And believe me, this is not a small group.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: In the United States, over 10% of young adults ages 16 to 24 were considered NEAT in 2023.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's roughly 4.5 million young people, enough to fill a small country.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Among 25 to 29 year olds, the rates are estimated to be upwards of 15%.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not just a North American problem.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, in some countries, like Italy or Spain, the number is over 20%.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now that might sound like a lot, but your adult child does not have to be part of that group.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: They can get out of it and become the 80 to 90% who are living independently.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so what are the telltale signs of a neat young adult?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm sure you won't be surprised to know that they have no daily structure, avoid talking about their future, they're up all night and sleep all day because they're playing video games and other online activities, they aren't helping around the house, they don't seem motivated to change, and they get defensive or hostile when you ask them what's going on.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And here's a few reasons why this might have happened to them.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: They hate the idea of adult responsibilities, they have a fear of failure, they say they can't do anything because they're depressed and anxious.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, there's no need for them to do anything because someone in the house is always handling everything.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, it's a cultural thing for some families.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if you think your adult child is neat, I will say this.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't cause it, but you are certainly helping to perpetuate it.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want things to change, here's how you're going to start.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Your first actionable step is simple, but it also might be a bit terrifying.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna have to ask them.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now you'll need to set the stage a bit.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean is you need an ideal place where you can have an open and honest conversation with them.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: My suggestion is to take them out of the house, but if that's not an option, ask them to sit down at the kitchen table when no one is around and start this conversation.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: It will go something like this.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever heard of the term neat?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And they'll answer yes or no.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: If they don't know what neat stands for, you'll explain it.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or if it's easier, have it ready on your phone.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Which brings you to the next step, and that depends on how they answer.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Either they will admit to being neat or they'll deny it.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: But regardless of their response, I want you to make sure that there is no yelling, no judging, or any display of emotion.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: You need to just listen.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because until you understand what's going on in their minds, you can't possibly help them change.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if their answer is no, that they are not neat, then look them in the eye and calmly say, so what's your plan?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I call gathering evidence.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Ask them to be specific with the following questions.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: What are you working on?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: What steps are you taking this month?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: What's your timeline?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: If they can't answer any of these, you know it's just a smokescreen.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: But if they have a plan and it's still in the works, give them a date.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Say, let's revisit this in seven days or sooner, but not longer than a week.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: However, if they really can't give you any details, you'll say, We have to put a plan in place together because this current lifestyle of yours cannot continue.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if they answer yes, if they acknowledge that they're in the neat category of young adults, then it's time for you to say, well, that's no longer an option, and here's why.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: I or we are not going to be around forever.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know that sounds ominous, but in their minds, they think that they can live like this forever because again, in their minds, they can't imagine a life without you taking care of them.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the next step for this yes group is for you to take the lead.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: First, I want you to thank them for being honest and then say, together, we're gonna get you out of this rut.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna mention a few options because if you don't know this by now, I do have a parenting course that is so comprehensive that by the time you've completed it, your young adult will be moving in a forward direction.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: The link for signing up is in the show notes.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: But since I always like leaving you with actionable steps with every episode, here's what you have to do.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Set clear expectations, discuss your boundaries, and make a game plan with a timeline.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: They need help exploring realistic options, whether it's work, school, or some sort of training.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: You need to address their mental health if that's an issue.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And lastly, you have to stop enabling them to live this lifestyle, and you'll accomplish that by no longer doing everything for them.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Slowly but over time.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: To all of these adult kids, it's really important that you say in your calmest voice, in this house, not doing anything anymore is not an option.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: You will start to take action and I will help you stay on track.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: We're in this together, but we are moving forward.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you have a neat young adult at home, believe me, as long as there is no serious mental health issues, addiction, or disability, this is not a permanent identity, but you must get involved.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And if you feel you can't do it alone or you're so unsure of what to say or do, then take a look at my course.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's no harm in that.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: But leaving your neat kid at home on their own, well, there's plenty of wrong in that.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Your adult child is adrift and you are standing by watching them, so afraid to rock their boat.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the truth, because I will never sugarcoat it.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: That boat is sinking.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: So you get out there, give them the oars, and get them paddling.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's my best analogy.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you like it.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if this conversation today has opened your eyes, please remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And share it with another parent who is struggling with a neat kid.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: We can't keep pretending that these young adults will bail themselves out on their own.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: They need help.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that help is you.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is launch.