Latest / Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast / Pt. 2: Unlocking Emotional Intelligence: Dr. Justin Grimes on Vulnerable Parenting

Transcript

Pt. 2: Unlocking Emotional Intelligence: Dr. Justin Grimes on Vulnerable Parenting · Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast

• 0:16
  Welcome back to Part 2 of Parenting Without Parents with
• 0:20
  Doctor Justin Grimes. Yeah, there's so much in there.
• 0:25
  Your mom, hey, sell your mom was a real one.
• 0:29
  She said, don't you keep my house?
• 0:31
  You sell it. And she gave you some sage
• 0:35
  advice. Pray and wait 24 hours.
• 0:40
  And as you're speaking about this and like how close it
• 0:45
  you're describing the relationship with your mom.
• 0:48
  I also think that God taking them home is an invitation for
• 0:54
  you to get closer with Him, for you to call Him those times
• 0:59
  where you would call Mom. Yeah.
• 1:02
  Talking to God. Yeah.
• 1:05
  As much as that, I don't know how that sounds to people, I'll
• 1:12
  say that. But like he, he does things like
• 1:15
  that. He wants it to be how he wants
• 1:17
  it to be, and even with the clear direction to sell the
• 1:21
  house, that made room for another family to build a
• 1:25
  legacy. Absolutely.
• 1:28
  And I'm curious like the way my mind works and how I'm seeing
• 1:31
  like how God does things. What comes from you being
• 1:35
  obedient with that sale and then that family with stability who's
• 1:41
  coming, who and what is going to come out of the household?
• 1:45
  I'm I'm this, I'm sorry because I grew up in a black
• 1:49
  neighborhood, but the people who are currently in my in my
• 1:52
  parents house are white and it's very different.
• 1:55
  And my neighbors are like, oh, they changed this.
• 1:58
  But even the previous person just didn't manage the house in
• 2:02
  the same way. And I was like, I know This is
• 2:05
  why it was intended for me to sell it because if I came back
• 2:08
  and I always told people if I came back and saw this
• 2:10
  destroyed, I don't know how. What's going to be a problem?
• 2:14
  You know, and so yes, I received that what you're sharing,
• 2:17
  because I do think that one of the things that I have been able
• 2:21
  to do is be obedient to what they said they wanted me to do,
• 2:25
  not straying away from that. And it just, it taught me a
• 2:28
  discipline in a different way. It taught me how to manage
• 2:34
  things that are very big and make them smaller.
• 2:38
  You know, we as a only child, I was, my parents bought the house
• 2:42
  in 1982 and I sold the house in 2021.
• 2:47
  So from 1982 to 2021, there's just stuff, right?
• 2:52
  There's stuff that I had to be all comfortable with saying, OK,
• 2:56
  just let that go. What are the things I can't
• 3:01
  bring this whole house to my new house.
• 3:03
  I got to, I got to take what matters the most to me and say
• 3:08
  this is what I care about. And I still have moments like,
• 3:10
  oh, I should have grabbed that. Why didn't I get this thing?
• 3:12
  Why did I give that away? You know?
• 3:15
  And then as I was selling the house, best friend who's in real
• 3:19
  estate was my realtor to manage it.
• 3:22
  And I was like, do what you feel.
• 3:25
  I don't feel like really seeing updates.
• 3:27
  Just show me the final piece of it.
• 3:30
  And so I got to see it, but I also I never forget the day it
• 3:34
  was. It was December of 20.
• 3:36
  No, we saw it in 2022. So it was December or somewhere.
• 3:40
  I remember that December when we went back and then used got a
• 3:46
  moving company to move the stuff I needed to come to Virginia.
• 3:49
  And I distinctly remember seeing my my room empty.
• 3:54
  And I'm like, whoo, I've never seen this before.
• 3:58
  My mom has 'cause she's done different things to the house,
• 4:01
  but I've never seen these spaces empty.
• 4:03
  I've never seen this kitchen without this table here.
• 4:09
  But now I have to see it in that way.
• 4:12
  But I what I take from that was these are not your, these are
• 4:16
  memories and great things, but they're just things, Justin, you
• 4:20
  can take the memories, You can even take some of the pieces,
• 4:24
  but more importantly, just take who they were, what they stood
• 4:28
  for, what values they instilled in you.
• 4:32
  Take the relationships with the people here.
• 4:35
  You're still from the same city, so nothing's going to change
• 4:38
  there. But what will change is that you
• 4:42
  get to live the life that you want to live and you don't have
• 4:46
  the what could be the strain of like navigating with who house
• 4:51
  we going to for Christmas and Thanksgiving.
• 4:53
  I don't have to. OK, how, how is this arrangement
• 4:57
  going to work 'cause my dad's in the wheelchair, how I don't have
• 5:01
  to take him to dialysis. And some people may be like, Oh
• 5:04
  my gosh, I would love to. And I'm OK with that, though.
• 5:06
  I'm OK with that. Where you what what God decided
• 5:11
  for your life, freed and opened me up to some new things.
• 5:16
  Yeah, I don't. See that as like, Oh my gosh, I
• 5:19
  would have been so burdened. No, I see it as he knew I
• 5:23
  literally about to prepare you to be a parent.
• 5:25
  And so I need you to have full openness, authority, but more
• 5:30
  importantly, trust in me. And so by holding them, you
• 5:34
  potentially could be trying to spend your time between multiple
• 5:38
  things. And I need your priority to be
• 5:41
  me first, these people who you you live with second, and
• 5:45
  everything else. Justin, that's so good.
• 5:52
  There's so many things in there like, 'cause that's God will
• 5:57
  reprioritize things for you. He absolutely will.
• 6:02
  And I think that's a great segue to this next question about how
• 6:07
  and where have you seen him fill in gaps for you, right.
• 6:12
  Providing that wisdom, that comfort, guidance, like as you
• 6:16
  parent without parents, but you, you have a heavenly parent.
• 6:20
  How has that been? Well, the the the relationship I
• 6:23
  cherish the most now is the one with my aunt.
• 6:26
  My aunt lived probably 10 minutes away from me and so now
• 6:34
  we talk every Sunday at 8:00 PM. Yeah.
• 6:37
  This started, you know, just casually checking in on me to
• 6:41
  like, this is our time and it's beautiful because we get to know
• 6:47
  each other in different ways. Again, I had a lot of aunts and
• 6:51
  uncles, so I didn't get to have that relationship with all of
• 6:54
  them in a deep way. I'm still loved by all of them
• 6:58
  and love them, but this is different.
• 7:01
  This is, you know, there were two who lived with me in Little
• 7:04
  Rock. And so that I cherish that.
• 7:07
  I'm like, I'm like, unless something is really going on,
• 7:10
  I'm answering that phone, you know, or I'm calling her back.
• 7:14
  And so, you know, God has made room for me to be able to be
• 7:18
  this. That's her sister, so and
• 7:22
  probably and her best friend. So I like I'm now get to fill
• 7:26
  this gap for her. If it's just 30 minutes or an
• 7:29
  hour, that's 30 minutes to an hour where she gets to
• 7:33
  experience my mother. Yeah.
• 7:36
  And experience me and just feel loved and cared for and all
• 7:40
  these things. And so it's a it's a beautiful
• 7:43
  thing to have that. So that is how God has shown up
• 7:49
  in one way is through my aunt, definitely through my child,
• 7:54
  because I've always wanted to be a parent and I get to experience
• 7:59
  that what they did, you know, I get to be like, Oh, OK, I can
• 8:03
  see where I probably call some have it here And I get to
• 8:06
  experience all of those things. I get to experience the way God
• 8:12
  shows up is through the joy that she brings.
• 8:14
  Like when people see her or talk about her or watch a video, it's
• 8:18
  never like, Oh my God, his child is just it's joy.
• 8:22
  And so as a guy brings joy into my life in that way.
• 8:28
  I I think my prayers are a lot more thoughtful, a lot more
• 8:31
  intentional, a lot more direct with where I'm at.
• 8:35
  They're a lot more transparent. And so I think that loss has
• 8:39
  prompted that. It's also prompted me to just
• 8:43
  have times with people where I say I love you.
• 8:47
  Yeah. I see something happening with
• 8:49
  you. What's going on with this person
• 8:51
  or what's actually going on with you?
• 8:54
  I don't just stop at the like random hello, like I care about
• 8:59
  the communication because you don't.
• 9:02
  We just don't know. And when you watch a person and
• 9:05
  probably the other thing was really special.
• 9:07
  My child was like probably like 8-9 months and I'm changing her
• 9:11
  diaper. It was challenging at times
• 9:14
  because and God had to work with me through through that because
• 9:18
  I had to do that for my mom. So even now is the time my child
• 9:24
  might you might pee in the bed and I'm like, but then I think
• 9:27
  about the moments where my mom couldn't control her body and
• 9:29
  this is that same thing. So I'm literally seeing full
• 9:34
  circle, you know, from young to old, you know how this works.
• 9:39
  In each of these moments, I feel like God is like, so are you
• 9:43
  going to just trust me? Are you going to just operate in
• 9:47
  a different zone, in a different space?
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  Can you choose? Can you be frustrated but also
• 9:53
  show peace? Like how can you allow all these
• 9:57
  things to happen at the same time while also giving me the
• 10:01
  glory? And the last thing that I do
• 10:04
  every prayer that we have is of my child at night time is we go
• 10:08
  through all the people who are not here.
• 10:12
  So I say to her, you know, like tell Grandma Aunt and tell
• 10:17
  Grandma Linda and Grandpa Albert and my sister Jordan goodnight,
• 10:22
  because it's important to me that she.
• 10:25
  About to make me cry, Justin. For me, it's important for her
• 10:33
  to know them. Yes, she won't know them like I
• 10:36
  knew them, but I at least want her to know that they were
• 10:40
  important to me and that they lived a life that she gets to
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  have the life she has because of the records, all of these
• 10:48
  people. Yeah.
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  So I don't want their memory to end.
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  So it's it's fun to me because if I don't do it, she's like, uh
• 10:57
  huh. We didn't.
• 10:58
  We didn't say goodnight to them. And so even when she prays, she
• 11:03
  says it. So that will always be with her.
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  These yeah. Oh, Justin, you got you got the
• 11:12
  you got the eyes. Well, and I'm over here.
• 11:14
  Yeah, that's it's it's so beautiful, like what God is
• 11:19
  about to do through Jalen and even the way that he's showing
• 11:26
  you to parent her and the things you're pouring into her the
• 11:34
  world. Get ready.
• 11:35
  Jalen Grimes. Jalen Grimes is coming.
• 11:41
  Yeah, I say the same thing. I I don't know what it what it
• 11:44
  is, but I just know that whatever it is is going to be
• 11:47
  truly special and I see the you know something all my kid is
• 11:52
  this and and you know, I don't have the expectations of her to
• 11:56
  be me or my wife like people like well, y'all got pH DS.
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  Do you expect her to? No, no, no, you, whatever path
• 12:02
  you choose is the one that God already set forth when you were
• 12:05
  born. And my job is to be born to that
• 12:08
  right. And so, but I could just tell
• 12:11
  from her energy that like she is the confidence that I, I wish I
• 12:16
  had earlier. She is the brilliance of my
• 12:22
  wife. She is the caringness of my
• 12:28
  mother-in-law and father-in-law. She is the excited person to
• 12:33
  bake cookies or make things that my dad would do.
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  But and she's she's, she's them. So I get to see it all and I'm
• 12:41
  like, wow, I don't know what's coming next, but I, I'm excited
• 12:46
  to see it. She gets experiences that I got
• 12:51
  later on in life. You're getting it now.
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  You know, I just, I'm just trying to set precedents for
• 12:57
  her, you know, like you can have this like I, and when we do fly
• 13:01
  home, I fly first class with her because I just want her to know
• 13:04
  that this is an option. I don't do that normally when
• 13:08
  I'm flying for work or business. No, I'm going to be back here in
• 13:10
  the back with the rest of y'all. But for her and my wife, I
• 13:13
  wanted them to have this experience that they know like
• 13:17
  this is your right to have this. And I work and do what I do so
• 13:22
  that you can have this. And if I didn't and your
• 13:26
  grandparents were alive, they would be mad at me for not
• 13:29
  creating a first class experience for you.
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  And it's not just there, it's just in, in life in general.
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  I'm creating the first class experience that I want you to
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  have in life because you deserve it.
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  Listen, God, whenever you're ready, please send me my first
• 13:43
  class husband. Thank you.
• 13:45
  Jesus name Amen. Amen.
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  Amen. OK, That's that is beautiful.
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  And that's how it should be. And I love how you are
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  normalizing these things for her.
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  You're preparing her for this life, whatever these things are
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  that God has for her, the spaces that she's going to have to go
• 14:07
  into, the purpose that He created for created her for her
• 14:11
  assignment. And I think that's so dope.
• 14:15
  I don't have any children, have always wanted children, but I
• 14:18
  think that's the real dope part. When you are a parent that's
• 14:22
  aligned with God, you understand that that's really not your
• 14:29
  child, but you are on God's assignment for what He has for
• 14:34
  her. And I, I love that.
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  Like, I, I have so much more. I, I always have had respect for
• 14:41
  you, but I have that much more respect for you, for how you are
• 14:47
  fathering and husbanding. I think I just made that work.
• 14:50
  Yeah. But.
• 14:52
  I want I just. Want it to be?
• 14:53
  Different yeah, I think what I had was bad.
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  I didn't have a a bad role models.
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  I I had a loving mother and father and we had our
• 15:04
  agreements, we had our spaces where we disagree.
• 15:07
  But at the core, I knew they always loved me and they were
• 15:10
  going to do any and everything. And it's evident by how
• 15:12
  organized they were with planning their time for when
• 15:16
  they weren't being here. That tells me their awareness of
• 15:21
  how they chose to live life knowing there at some point
• 15:24
  they're not going to be here. And then to say this is what I
• 15:28
  need you to do, you know, with things.
• 15:30
  And I'm, I'm real intentional. Like I'm like even to the point
• 15:35
  to where my, one of the biggest things I want to do was
• 15:38
  establish a trust because my parents did that for me.
• 15:42
  And I'm like, no, this child is coming.
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  So I got our trust documents and stuff done 3 weeks before she
• 15:48
  came to the earth. So because I'm like, I don't
• 15:51
  want you to have any financial worry or burden because this is
• 15:56
  what I got as a result, right? Like I sold this house, so I put
• 16:00
  this money back so that you can live a great life when I'm not
• 16:04
  here or later on, so you won't have any type of financial
• 16:09
  strain or stress. Like I to me, it's like, what
• 16:12
  good would it be to receive any inheritance or property or
• 16:17
  anything and waste it away, right?
• 16:19
  Like that's very biblical, right?
• 16:20
  Like we know the the son who went off and just wasted his
• 16:24
  riches. That's not at all what I do.
• 16:25
  If anything, sometime my wife be like, go ahead and buy that.
• 16:28
  You act like you don't got it. So it's, it's like I have to,
• 16:32
  you know, but I try to be a good steward of what I've been
• 16:35
  blessed with and to set her up for success.
• 16:39
  I think that's my primary responsive One of my
• 16:41
  responsibilities is to make it so that if you want and God says
• 16:46
  yes, then all I got to do is just do what he says and we go
• 16:50
  forward. And Justin, I'm not, I don't
• 16:53
  remember exactly where the Scripture is.
• 16:54
  It's in the Old Testament. But when it says that
• 16:57
  grandparents make sure that there's things for inheritance
• 17:02
  for future generations. And so that's what your parents
• 17:05
  were able to do through the house.
• 17:07
  And you being a good steward, able to put that into trust for
• 17:10
  Jalen like to just keep this entered.
• 17:13
  It's like an intergenerational thing that's happening.
• 17:15
  You're normalizing this. Yeah, in my mind if.
• 17:19
  He can't wait for Jalen to grow up.
• 17:21
  I can't wait to see this. We, but we had those
• 17:25
  conversations, you know it when we were respecting the first
• 17:28
  child that allowed us to enter into a new space of conversation
• 17:32
  about preparing to be a parent and things that she was
• 17:36
  organizing on the back end to ensure that like this child
• 17:41
  would have what they need and inheritance and these things.
• 17:44
  And so it was like, wow, again, the thoughtfulness.
• 17:49
  And so that is what I was raised with.
• 17:52
  So I'm going to carry that forward.
• 17:55
  And just that I also hear how your parents broke a common
• 18:02
  cycle that we see where it is US caring for the previous
• 18:08
  generation and having to use our resources for them because they
• 18:14
  weren't prepared versus them. It's going down, it's moving
• 18:19
  downward and not backwards or for it's going forward and not
• 18:22
  backwards, right? The resources are going back to
• 18:25
  taking care of that. And you didn't have to have that
• 18:29
  experience. No, I could have been like that,
• 18:32
  that man in the Bible and just went off.
• 18:34
  It just was like, oh, I sold this house.
• 18:36
  I can do it. I want this money.
• 18:38
  No, no, no, I don't know. And part of that is because I
• 18:41
  don't see it as mine. I see this as this is theirs and
• 18:45
  like I seek approval even through this day.
• 18:48
  My prayers are like, here's what I'm thinking.
• 18:50
  You know, I, I try to be a good steward of what they were given
• 18:54
  to me, giving me because I don't see things as mine.
• 18:56
  I see it as theirs. And it's imperative for me that
• 19:00
  I do right by what was given to me and create this generation of
• 19:08
  leg or really legacy of being able to have and not only just
• 19:14
  have, but to understand what to do with what you have so that
• 19:18
  it's just not me, you know, sitting on money or sitting on
• 19:23
  knowledge or education. It is passing that along.
• 19:26
  So I I am intentional with like, make sure you get that trust
• 19:31
  created. Don't just get the will also
• 19:33
  figure out your power of attorney is going to probably
• 19:35
  cost this amount of money. Start putting money back.
• 19:38
  You know, I try to encourage these things in my friends so
• 19:41
  that they don't wait, so we they're not scrambling to be
• 19:45
  like, I don't know what we going to do, because I just know the
• 19:49
  inevitable we we going to pass from here.
• 19:52
  And I think yes, we are. I don't want to burden anyone
• 19:55
  with now what happened and what we supposed to do and what is
• 19:59
  where. No, everything is already
• 20:01
  outlined. All people know who's supposed,
• 20:03
  who's in charge of what and what it's supposed to do.
• 20:06
  And that's part of like, even though I'm parenting without
• 20:09
  parents. I am able to reflect on what
• 20:12
  they did and say here's how I can take that forward.
• 20:17
  I don't have to know all the detail of what was set up.
• 20:19
  You know, growing up, my parents always told me we were broke.
• 20:22
  We don't got nothing. But I understand now, like, oh,
• 20:26
  OK, this what you were planning? Right.
• 20:29
  Make things better. Yeah, I'm hearing another
• 20:35
  business in this for you to to really help people get things
• 20:41
  settled together or or when that time comes so that yeah, because
• 20:47
  your mom modeled it for you and you're already having the
• 20:49
  conversations and people don't even know where to start with
• 20:52
  it. So I don't know.
• 20:55
  I hear it. I hear it, I hear the dollar
• 20:59
  signs. And that is also going to help
• 21:02
  so many generations navigate awful time because I'm, I'm, I'm
• 21:08
  imagining there's any number of people listening to this who
• 21:12
  knows someone who wants they, you know, they transitioned,
• 21:17
  they didn't have it. The family's scrambling, trying
• 21:20
  to raise money, do all these things, or trying to sort
• 21:23
  through paperwork where people really and truly avoid.
• 21:28
  Yes. Aren't prepared.
• 21:30
  No one's or or they try to do it and then the loved 1 is like
• 21:36
  y'all figure it out when I'm when, Yeah, when the time come.
• 21:40
  I wish that. I don't wish that on people.
• 21:42
  If you arguing over stuff, well, you know, grandma said I can
• 21:46
  have that purse or this jewelry. No, no, no.
• 21:48
  What's in the documents? That's what's going what's going
• 21:52
  to happen. It just makes to me things much
• 21:54
  easier and that it might be because I'm an only child so I
• 21:56
  don't have to argue with nobody. That's true too, but that's
• 21:59
  still that's still a lot when when you see that happen or hear
• 22:03
  the stories about it or even just how it's depicted in
• 22:05
  movies, right. And I, I just love to hear
• 22:09
  Justin, how you're really truly honouring their legacy and
• 22:14
  building and maintaining legacy through the way that you are
• 22:18
  parenting Jalen. You and Tamika are parenting
• 22:21
  Jalen, So what are maybe some grounding scriptures that have
• 22:30
  anchored you through the grief process as well as the parenting
• 22:34
  process? I would probably say my favorite
• 22:38
  is first Peter, first Peter 57. Pass all your anxieties on him
• 22:46
  because he cares for you. I feel like that is the one
• 22:51
  because as a man, I'm anxious all the time.
• 22:54
  There's always something popping up, you know, and even through
• 22:59
  the grief process is it's it can bring a lot of anxiousness for a
• 23:04
  person, uncertainty, frustrations and anger.
• 23:09
  But it's, you don't have to carry all of that.
• 23:12
  It's not meant for you to carry all of that.
• 23:14
  You should bring it forward and allow God to be the one to
• 23:19
  provide you with that outlet in that space, allow him to bring
• 23:23
  you the supports and the resources that you need.
• 23:27
  But the key part of that is the beginning, which he says cast
• 23:32
  all all right. Like it's not OK, here's this
• 23:36
  one thing I'm thinking about. No, like, I don't know how I'm
• 23:39
  going to make this decision. Should we go do this thing?
• 23:42
  Is this the right thing? You know?
• 23:44
  OK, so I'm still to bring another birthday without my mom.
• 23:47
  Like, again, why did you make this decision?
• 23:50
  Bring all of it. You just can't decide.
• 23:52
  You know, I think God requires us to be to be the best versions
• 23:57
  of ourselves. I think it requires us to be the
• 24:00
  most open to him and when we are holding back.
• 24:04
  I me personally, I just feel like there's he's blessing us,
• 24:07
  but there's some more stuff he want to give us, but he don't
• 24:10
  give it because you won't cast at all.
• 24:12
  And so it don't matter what it is like.
• 24:14
  I just, I have big prayers. I have specific prayers, but
• 24:17
  like God, I'm going to go, I want to go do this speaking
• 24:19
  opportunity here. It's gone.
• 24:21
  But to do that, I got to pay this much money.
• 24:24
  This how much I need or I'm thinking about getting this for
• 24:27
  my child. I can do it, but if it's
• 24:30
  supposed to happen, make this happen, but make it, you know,
• 24:33
  I'm very specific and he answer in the specificity of which I
• 24:39
  show up and ask ask questions or he'll just surprise me, you
• 24:43
  know, with things and I'm like, I don't know how this is going
• 24:46
  to work out. And then he'd be like, Oh,
• 24:47
  that's that's it. Boom.
• 24:50
  You know, I always say God can only bless us as big as our
• 24:55
  faith, as big as our beliefs, for sure.
• 24:59
  I love how you're saying like the specificity and listen, you
• 25:02
  just gave me, I was like, yeah, I'm a sit down and be doing the
• 25:04
  math. Like, OK, God, this what we need
• 25:08
  'cause I was just saying I was like, you know what it takes?
• 25:10
  I don't necessarily get into the numbers, but like God, you know,
• 25:14
  you know what I'm asking for, you know I'm seeing what
• 25:17
  example? Yeah.
• 25:18
  And I'm going to give you a great example of this.
• 25:22
  When we were getting our first home together in Virginia, we
• 25:26
  have been looking through homes during the pandemic in between
• 25:29
  being in Arkansas for cancer, cancer treatments, all these
• 25:32
  things, North Carolina And we finally got to a home that we
• 25:37
  liked. I remember we were in North
• 25:40
  Carolina and I think I was still and, and I was in Virginia.
• 25:45
  My wife was spending the weekend with her mom.
• 25:47
  A realtor called and said, there's this house available.
• 25:50
  It's going to probably be a lot of people coming.
• 25:52
  The open house is this time. Can I put you in this slide?
• 25:54
  I know you're dealing with a lot, but can you come?
• 25:58
  We said, OK, cool. So my wife came back and picked
• 26:03
  me up and then we went to the house.
• 26:04
  No, we, we were both in North Carolina or something to that
• 26:06
  effect. We went to the house.
• 26:07
  I said, I think this is it. And so she said, I need you to
• 26:12
  write a letter to this person. Yeah.
• 26:16
  And why don't we write a letter? She was like those letters.
• 26:18
  Want a competitive letter? But in that letter we just
• 26:22
  explained exactly what we were dealing with and we were blessed
• 26:27
  to get that house. And the last thing I told my
• 26:31
  mother-in-law before she passed like this is like minutes before
• 26:35
  she passed. I said mom, we got the house and
• 26:39
  she turned her head to me and she blinked, which to me was the
• 26:43
  indicator of confirmation. But again, God, if this is the
• 26:48
  house, this is what they're asking, this is what I'm going
• 26:52
  to say. If this is not the thing to say,
• 26:55
  change it. Show me what needs to be said.
• 26:58
  If this is what you want us to have, then then as our first
• 27:02
  home together as a married couple to raise a child, then
• 27:05
  that's where Jalen was born, Then I believe this is it.
• 27:10
  But if you say no, it's OK, we're going to keep looking and
• 27:14
  seeing what happens. We only want what you want for
• 27:18
  us. Just like that.
• 27:19
  But again, I even after that, the anxious feeling like is, oh,
• 27:22
  this is a big payment. This is a how much?
• 27:24
  OK, we go. Can can we do this?
• 27:27
  And he's like you, you. So you need confirmation.
• 27:30
  I'm gonna give it to you. And in this difficult moment
• 27:34
  where your your wife is losing her mother, I'm going to use her
• 27:37
  one last time to give you confirmation.
• 27:42
  God is so good and intentional, man.
• 27:47
  Justin, that's so good. I I appreciate you sharing that
• 27:49
  testimony. Because some people, because
• 27:51
  they've not asked, they're not asking, seeking, knocking, any
• 27:56
  of those things, they don't understand the goodness of God
• 28:01
  yet. Yeah, it's just good.
• 28:04
  Yes. And, you know, what'll probably
• 28:06
  be important for people to hear too, is that, you know, even
• 28:08
  after Jalen was born too, and probably too much after she was
• 28:11
  born, I quit my job and went full into business.
• 28:15
  Like, that's it. That's that's a faith walk.
• 28:17
  And I'm always very clear, God, OK, if this is supposed to
• 28:20
  happen, just get me to December. If it's not going to happen,
• 28:24
  then in October, let me know so I can start the process of
• 28:28
  looking for new jobs. And he's like, yeah, cool.
• 28:31
  And that was April of 2022. I have not had to go back and
• 28:35
  look for a job since because of praying and constantly being
• 28:40
  like, all right now this is a check in.
• 28:42
  If it's not supposed to happen, go ahead and let me go get back
• 28:45
  in here and work in the student affairs, academic affairs or
• 28:48
  something. And he's like, how much do you
• 28:51
  need? OK, I need this amount.
• 28:52
  Cool. Here's go here and speak here.
• 28:55
  Go do this here, sell this here and you'll be fine.
• 28:59
  Just that the the Holy Spirit is staring up in me like you don't
• 29:03
  even know that God using you right now to talk to me, to me.
• 29:10
  Yeah. 'Cause I I have been obedient,
• 29:14
  been only working for God, not quite a whole year, but the
• 29:21
  majority of it, like he took me out of a whole of the job.
• 29:29
  It was like Nope. Yeah.
• 29:31
  You don't even let me clock in, track how much money coming in
• 29:36
  because I used to like to watch the money go up.
• 29:38
  Like after, you know, the insurance payments coming
• 29:41
  through co-pays. God said turn it off.
• 29:44
  This was maybe in like March. I feel like I don't know, but
• 29:49
  God, OK, you told me to turn it off.
• 29:51
  I I don't even know. And some of these insurance
• 29:54
  companies, they still send paper checks.
• 29:56
  I really I don't even know what's in the envelope, but God,
• 29:58
  you know you, I'm hey you that because.
• 30:03
  Because because to tell somebody, you know, to tell
• 30:07
  someone to, to have a conversation with my wife and
• 30:09
  say if they say the right thing on the right day, which means if
• 30:12
  you say the wrong thing on the wrong day, I'm going to quit
• 30:15
  this job. And I came back from maternity
• 30:18
  leave and I knew it was just not the right job.
• 30:20
  Money was great. It was a easy, I mean, I could
• 30:23
  have just coasted that if I really wanted to, but I just say
• 30:28
  this is not it. And they said that thing and I
• 30:31
  said I was going to quit, but I'm going to go all in on this
• 30:35
  business thing. But before I did that, I had a
• 30:37
  plan. I was like, no, let me know
• 30:38
  about the plan. Here's the plan.
• 30:41
  Here's how much I'm, here's where, here's where I'm trying
• 30:44
  to go. Here's what I have coming up.
• 30:46
  So we're not going to take a loss at all, but be good for
• 30:51
  this long. So if something needs to change,
• 30:54
  it's going to be about this period.
• 30:57
  But that's wild. The idea that you would just,
• 30:59
  you would have your child is born and you just quit.
• 31:02
  But that's the obedience, right? That's the obedience in the
• 31:05
  belief to say this is the thing, right?
• 31:09
  And so I I celebrate April 22nd because of 2022.
• 31:15
  Because that. Moment that that to me opened up
• 31:18
  a new level of freedom. And what was most important that
• 31:20
  too was I got this small window of time where my child wants to
• 31:25
  be with me. And so I get this time.
• 31:29
  Let me spend that with her. Let me let me be available to
• 31:32
  pick her up and take her to school.
• 31:34
  Let me be available to go get things from the grocery store.
• 31:37
  Let me go do some extra nights, you know, staying up and bottle
• 31:42
  feeding and doing these things. Let me be present in this
• 31:45
  moment. I don't know how present my
• 31:47
  father. Well, I imagine he was very
• 31:48
  present, but what I imagine him to be, I want to, I want to be
• 31:52
  more than that. Yeah.
• 31:54
  So let me do that and I got this window of time that I can do
• 31:58
  that. And I just believe I'm going to
• 32:00
  be blessed on the back end for for doing it.
• 32:03
  And again, I'm it's three years later and I'm still good.
• 32:07
  Yep, that's so good. And as you were sharing that
• 32:11
  scripture, the Philippians 46 came up.
• 32:14
  I had to look it up. You know, be anxious for
• 32:16
  nothing, but in every situation, by prayer and petition with
• 32:20
  Thanksgiving, present your request to God.
• 32:24
  And my favorite part of that is with Thanksgiving.
• 32:27
  Yeah. Because people will will, people
• 32:29
  will petition and say everything and completely forget to say
• 32:32
  thank you. They say thank you to the
• 32:34
  person, thank you to the pastor, thank you to God.
• 32:36
  They don't say thank you. I think in our world we just
• 32:38
  don't say thank you enough. Agreed for what people have
• 32:41
  done. Small stuff and that's a that's
• 32:45
  for a marriage thing that I had to learn that I didn't see role
• 32:49
  modelled in my household was appreciation and thank you.
• 32:56
  And so I, I try to be more intentional with like, thank you
• 32:59
  for cooking that food. Thank you for washing those
• 33:02
  clothes. Thank you for putting your cup
• 33:03
  in the washer, I mean in the sink.
• 33:06
  Just so we build a habit of appreciation and gratitude.
• 33:09
  Yes, yes, that is how we keep things flowing for sure.
• 33:16
  Who are some of the people that God has sent to help you carry
• 33:20
  the weight of parenting without parents?
• 33:24
  Oh man, let me tell my sister in law's are great.
• 33:27
  I don't call my sister in law's in my sisters and they're
• 33:30
  they're phenomenal aunties. You know, they are, they are.
• 33:34
  And that's part of the reason why we moved to North Carolina
• 33:37
  because I wanted, I knew that I wasn't going back to Arkansas,
• 33:39
  but I was raised around, I was raised with aunts and uncles and
• 33:43
  I wanted her to have that. And I was going to, I wasn't
• 33:46
  going to have that in Virginia. And so, yes, that's a sacrifice.
• 33:50
  Yes, that's a shift in my wife's career.
• 33:52
  Yes, that pushed the tenure clock for her role as a
• 33:55
  professor back another year and a half.
• 33:58
  But we gained family and friends and support that have been
• 34:02
  there. So they have been a tremendous
• 34:04
  assistance. My father-in-law and the the
• 34:07
  ways that he shows up, it's been a tremendous assistance.
• 34:10
  Again, I mentioned my aunt has been there.
• 34:13
  My cousins are are that for me. Friends who do and friends who
• 34:19
  don't have children have been great advisors for parenting.
• 34:24
  You know, I think the beauty of having a child in my late 30s is
• 34:30
  that I got to see everybody else's experience.
• 34:33
  Being the baby of a lot of cousins, I got to see everybody
• 34:37
  else's experience. And so I was able to learn and
• 34:41
  take from those. You know, again, when I go home,
• 34:46
  it's like I never left. And so there's this
• 34:49
  overwhelming, like, it feels like a big hug from people.
• 34:54
  You know, my, my people check in and they care.
• 34:58
  And they like, yeah, we've been seeing this and do this, you
• 35:01
  know, one of my cousins, for every birthday, she makes Jalen
• 35:05
  an outfit. Like, we were just talking about
• 35:06
  this yesterday. She's like, I need to get ready
• 35:08
  to make my outfit. So tell me what the colors are,
• 35:10
  what the theme. She does this.
• 35:12
  This wasn't anything I asked her to do.
• 35:14
  She just does this thing, you know, and so one of the things
• 35:17
  that my mom did was because I got so many cousins, she picked
• 35:22
  three that she felt there could be, she could trust the most and
• 35:26
  say these are the three that I want to care for you in my
• 35:30
  absence. I didn't know this but those
• 35:34
  three have been there and not the other ones haven't but it's
• 35:37
  they weren't given the. Assignment.
• 35:40
  And so because, and the one who makes the apron is in the in the
• 35:43
  outfits is one of those. And so because they were given
• 35:46
  the assignment, I don't have worries and stresses in their
• 35:51
  way. You know, I've been blessed to
• 35:53
  be around great people still to this day, just great people even
• 35:57
  from when I was in Virginia, I still have great people who
• 36:00
  check in and and offer support. And you know, some of our
• 36:04
  buddies are coming in this weekend.
• 36:05
  So I'm excited because I just have love.
• 36:08
  I have real love around me. I don't have to do this alone.
• 36:14
  God sent me the wifey. No, I needed to be not only the
• 36:17
  parent, but to be the person to be with me through that.
• 36:21
  That is, it is hard to be with a person to watch them have to
• 36:26
  clean out their house that they grew up in, to drive 11 hours to
• 36:33
  and 11 hours back to drive to North Carolina, to trust like
• 36:39
  all these things to be like you quitting your job and what.
• 36:42
  And it wasn't no pushback. He knew who they sent to do
• 36:46
  that. And so I'm grateful.
• 36:49
  I'm, I'm, I'm thankful I'm blessed as a result of that.
• 36:52
  So people, I got people all around and I got my, my parents,
• 36:56
  you know, they're still around, you know, they're just around in
• 37:00
  a different way. And so, yeah, I again, I got, I
• 37:03
  got the folks that I need to be here for me.
• 37:08
  Yeah. And when you just said they're
• 37:10
  still around, I noticed earlier when you talk about your mom,
• 37:13
  you said she is this is at the beginning of the episode.
• 37:17
  But I didn't, I didn't say anything but it, it hit me and
• 37:21
  then you just confirmed it. You're like, yeah, they still
• 37:23
  around. So it is and is for you, for
• 37:25
  sure. What are some spiritual or
• 37:29
  practical tools that have helped you when grief has resurfaced?
• 37:36
  Sit still if if, if you're in a space where you can sit, just
• 37:40
  sit. Just sit and breathe and take a
• 37:43
  moment to just feel that the next thing is probably early on
• 37:49
  I was journaling through a lot of things.
• 37:54
  Even now I just discover things like I just sometimes open a
• 37:58
  book and be like one of their items and I'm like, well, what,
• 38:02
  what was in here, you know? And so that is there, the
• 38:07
  biggest spiritual or life practice for me is therapy.
• 38:12
  Highly encourage people to be in therapy.
• 38:15
  I'd have not done grief therapy. I know that that will probably
• 38:18
  be a really good one for me to do next, even though I've had
• 38:22
  different therapists. But therapy is for me the saving
• 38:26
  thing. It, it allows me to have space
• 38:28
  to talk through and work through different things.
• 38:32
  So those of them, I would say my biggest 3 that are by far the
• 38:36
  the the best things that I could do to navigate grief.
• 38:41
  That's so good. Thank you, Justin.
• 38:43
  So then if someone listening right now, they're overcome with
• 38:48
  grief, parenting without parents, what encouragement
• 38:52
  would you leave them with today? Yeah.
• 38:56
  You know, the thing I would say 1st about grief is that it's
• 39:00
  normal. It happens.
• 39:02
  We can't predict it. We don't know how it's going to
• 39:04
  show up for us. But continue to observe the ways
• 39:10
  in which it shows up for you, but more importantly, how you
• 39:12
  respond to it and why you're responding the way you're
• 39:16
  responding to it. You know, and some people may
• 39:21
  not understand why you have that feeling in that moment, why you
• 39:25
  may feel frustrated or angry. They may not understand.
• 39:31
  There will be, you know, other things that come up, especially
• 39:35
  with parenting without parents is people would tell you may
• 39:37
  tell you stories who may have known you for a while.
• 39:40
  I remember when you were this and like, just give room for
• 39:43
  that and allow that to be the case with them to share that.
• 39:48
  And you may have been given, you know, really, oh, how I want to
• 39:55
  say this, you may have been given the instruction, but it's,
• 40:00
  it's imperative that you actually drive yourself to your
• 40:03
  destination. Like my parents have given me
• 40:07
  plenty of instruction around how to do things and things I
• 40:12
  observe that I would impart to my child at some point as she
• 40:17
  continues to grow and develop. But how I go about doing that is
• 40:21
  my responsibility. And.
• 40:24
  It's OK to be mad sometimes. Like I don't have all these
• 40:27
  things. And some people are parenting
• 40:30
  not because they just lost their parents, but because the absence
• 40:33
  of a parent absent of a parent. And so, you know, even
• 40:37
  similarly, my advice to them is that you get to be creative.
• 40:43
  You get to be creative. Forgiveness is so important.
• 40:47
  They may not have been there. They may have be be gone now.
• 40:51
  They may be present and just don't want to be a part.
• 40:55
  Forgiveness is so important. They had their own lives and
• 40:59
  their own assignments. And sometimes we'll never know
• 41:02
  the things that led to their decisions or even God's decision
• 41:05
  to take them. And the longer we hold on to
• 41:09
  that anger or frustration about the version of them that we knew
• 41:12
  them to be or where they are, the longer it is for us to get
• 41:17
  to a space of healing and more importantly, to receive certain
• 41:21
  blessings that are just specific and tied to your ability to
• 41:25
  navigate them not being here. And so I think that's super
• 41:30
  important for people that even counselors have worked with me
• 41:34
  through that is. So why are you still mad at the
• 41:37
  person who's not here? Why are you still holding on to
• 41:41
  this resentment around this thing?
• 41:43
  And I'm like, no, I'm not Like what?
• 41:45
  The way you just described that she told tells me that you still
• 41:49
  have some resentment. What is there?
• 41:52
  What do you want them to know? What do you need to tell your 7
• 41:56
  year old self, your middle school self, your high school
• 42:00
  self? What does younger Justin,
• 42:02
  younger you need to hear in this moment to allow you to feel
• 42:06
  seeing value heard so that you can continue to go forward?
• 42:11
  And whatever that is, just say it to yourself.
• 42:13
  They're not here to say it. So you have to say it to
• 42:16
  yourself and you have to allow yourself to receive it.
• 42:20
  It may feel awkward, and that's OK.
• 42:22
  Let it be awkward. Let it be weird.
• 42:24
  But I'd rather be weird and you get to a position where you can
• 42:28
  move positively through life. Then they'll let you hold on to
• 42:31
  that resentment because that resentment going fester into
• 42:34
  something else or carry yourself over to something else.
• 42:37
  And whatever that is, don't. The world don't need that.
• 42:41
  We need the best version of you, the healed version of you, and
• 42:44
  the grieving version of you. But you don't know that somebody
• 42:48
  else's ability to manage their grief may be directly connected
• 42:53
  to how they see you manage yours.
• 42:55
  Come on. Which is why I share stories
• 42:57
  about my mom. Which is why I share stories
• 43:00
  about my mother-in-law or take pictures with my father-in-law
• 43:03
  because I want to carry forward positivity with them.
• 43:10
  That's so good and such a a healthy outlook on lost grief.
• 43:19
  And I really love what you said for people who their parents
• 43:24
  are, are physically still here, but they're not involved to not
• 43:28
  so that they don't feel further abandonment and and that there
• 43:33
  is a uniqueness because they can feel that way.
• 43:35
  And sometimes that burns more because it's like you're here
• 43:39
  and you're choosing not to be involved or you're not or for
• 43:42
  whatever reasons, whatever their circumstances are that their
• 43:47
  parents haven't worked through to be able to be present for
• 43:50
  them. That was so good.
• 43:51
  Justin, you, you came through. I don't know who your therapist
• 43:56
  is was but. Hey, I've had great black women
• 44:00
  therapist. I've had great black women
• 44:02
  therapist. I hear it.
• 44:04
  I see it like you look lighter. You're like, even when I saw you
• 44:10
  and I no, that was still end of September.
• 44:13
  That was end of September when I saw y'all end of September, like
• 44:17
  you felt lighter, like you've always been like a good vibe, a
• 44:21
  good, you know, good energy, but like it felt it felt different.
• 44:26
  And so this is good and and to hear it from you as well.
• 44:30
  Well, you have certainly blessed us.
• 44:32
  And so I'm going to take you wrap you up with our signature
• 44:35
  question. If you could leave the audience
• 44:39
  with one powerful truth to help them to rise in faith and thrive
• 44:43
  in purpose, what would it be? Oh, that's a really good
• 44:49
  question. What would I say to a person
• 44:51
  with that? Allow opportunities to come,
• 44:56
  both the ones that you want and the ones that you don't expect.
• 45:01
  Parenting is an opportunity. Grief is an opportunity,
• 45:05
  experiencing losses and opportunity, job changes are
• 45:09
  all. Everything we experience in life
• 45:11
  are different opportunities. So allow yourself to experience
• 45:15
  these opportunities. And more importantly, as you do,
• 45:19
  going back to the verse that you shared, give Thanksgiving.
• 45:22
  Be thankful for those, right? Like some of them may not feel
• 45:27
  great in the moment, but still be thankful that you got the
• 45:30
  opportunity because you got lessons.
• 45:32
  You were able to learn through all the jobs, through all the
• 45:35
  loss, there were great opportunities to learn.
• 45:38
  I learned about caregiving. I learned about cancer.
• 45:41
  I learned about wills and trust and inheritance and a lot about
• 45:49
  these things that I don't live through every day.
• 45:53
  But I am better suited because I had those experiences and now
• 45:57
  I'm better prepared to help someone else who's also
• 46:00
  navigating those things. And in this season, right now in
• 46:04
  my life, as I'm thinking about the loss of a recent fraternity
• 46:08
  brother and how people are managing that grief, I'm able to
• 46:12
  hold space to listen, to be there and to talk about grief
• 46:20
  with people. And I don't know if prior to my
• 46:25
  parents passing I would be able to do that.
• 46:28
  Thank you, Justin. That was so good.
• 46:30
  Everything is an opportunity. That's a critical reframe for
• 46:35
  sure. That's that's one for the ages.
• 46:38
  Just everything is an opportunity.
• 46:40
  I'm going to use that like I think that, but to really look
• 46:44
  at everything through that lens, it's going to hit different.
• 46:47
  So thank you so much for that and for sharing that audience.
• 46:52
  This is where we shift to you this week.
• 46:55
  I want you to reflect where has grief shaped me and where has
• 47:00
  God sustained me? So this will look like writing
• 47:03
  down a few moments where you felt that ache, that absence,
• 47:08
  whether it was a milestone, a memory, a holiday, a parenting
• 47:11
  moment, or a transition. Or it's just to set an
• 47:14
  opportunity and then reflect on the subtle and surprising ways
• 47:19
  that God has stepped in with comfort, strength, resource, and
• 47:24
  guidance. Every place where grief rises is
• 47:28
  a place where God is willing to meet you.
• 47:31
  And then we want you to take action.
• 47:34
  Take one intentional step to honor both your grief and your
• 47:39
  healing. So this could look like writing
• 47:41
  a letter to a loved one that you lost and tell them what's
• 47:45
  happening in your life, what you're proud of, and what you
• 47:48
  wish they could see. Create that legacy moment with
• 47:54
  your child, your children, your community, or yourself,
• 47:57
  something that reflects the values that your parents
• 48:00
  instilled in you. You can ask God for wisdom in
• 48:05
  areas of your life where their presence is missed the most.
• 48:09
  Be specific. Justin told us about the
• 48:11
  importance of specificity today. Invite God to father you, to
• 48:16
  mother you, to guide you, to carry you in the places where
• 48:20
  you feel most alone. These small, intentional acts
• 48:24
  cultivate healing over time. And finally, speak this over
• 48:29
  yourself this week. God is close to me in my grief.
• 48:33
  I am covered, I am guided, I am held.
• 48:37
  I parent with wisdom, strength, and love because God fills every
• 48:42
  gap. So if this conversation has
• 48:46
  challenged you, if it has affirmed you, we want you to
• 48:50
  leave us feedback. Drop some comments in here.
• 48:52
  What were some of your favorite quotes from Doctor Grimes today?
• 48:56
  What are some of those key takeaways?
• 48:58
  Share this with someone who might be in a season of grief,
• 49:02
  who's parenting without parenting.
• 49:04
  Wherever you're consuming this podcast, leave us a review.
• 49:09
  Subscribe, follow. Give us five stars.
• 49:11
  If this has blessed you, we want you to join the community of
• 49:15
  people that are rising in faith and thriving in purpose and help
• 49:20
  us to continue to grow and to help others.
• 49:22
  And make sure you check out that merch.
• 49:24
  You can get it on www.evolve at Doctor J nicole.com.
• 49:29
  And we'll be back next week with another episode.
• 49:33
  Justin Doctor Justin Grimes, I want to thank you again for
• 49:38
  joining me today on Rise and Thrive with Doctor J Nicole,
• 49:42
  it's been an absolute pleasure to have you here.
• 49:45
  Same here. All right, take care everyone,
• 49:48
  and see you next week.