Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Life Advice | How to forgive yourself for past mistakes, and navigating feeling hopeless about the dating landscape

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Life Advice | How to forgive yourself for past mistakes, and navigating feeling hopeless about the dating landscape · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: This is a head noise episode. It is an email
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: head noise episode, so I'm going to be reading out
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: three email questions that you guys have sent in. As always,
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: thank you so much for sending in those questions. We
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: get so many that come in, so we try and
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: get through as many as we can, but obviously sometimes
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: we just unfortunately can't get to all of them, but
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: I am very grateful for the ones that are sent through.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: Little life update. What is my life update?
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Oh my God, my friend Lizzie had a baby. I can't,
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: she's just divine. We've got, so my friendship group in
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Sydney is this tight group of friends. There's five of
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: us and we live in a very kind of close,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: tight radius of each other. And we are like, we call,
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: we literally call the group the circle of love. And
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: it is honestly, probably when I look at things that
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: have gone well in my life and things that I'm so,
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: so grateful for, this has got to be very close
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: to the top of the list as one of the
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: things that makes my life so fucking good. And it
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: is that radius of people that I live close to
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: that are so close to me. So my best friend Liv, Ebony, Bella, Lizzie,
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: and then of course myself. So we make up the five.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: We go to the, like the Potts Point markets every
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Saturday morning.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: We have coffee in the.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Mornings, you know, one to two, if we're like killing it,
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: sometimes three times a week, we'll have like, we call
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: it a family dinner once a week with our partners
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: and all the kids. It is One of the things
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: that makes my life as rich as it is. I'm
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: so fucking grateful. Anyway, so Lizzie, one of the five,
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: had her first baby on, it was last week, but
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: we met her, Ebony Liv and I went and met
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: her on Saturday and it was just fucking divine.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: And I don't know, my heart is just so full.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: It's just gorgeous.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I was actually going to do an episode,
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: not was, I am going to do an episode on
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: something that I've been really reading into and it is
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: the psychology of.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: Where you live.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: And kind of that idea of the 10 to 15
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: minutes or what you can get to within to 10
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: to 15 minutes around your home is probably the most
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: important decision that you will ever make in your life
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: based on just the amenities, but also more importantly, the
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: people that you live close to. So when you're trying
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: to figure out where you want to live, that weighs
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: the most as far as mental health benefits versus like
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: having a bigger backyard or a bigger house and whatever,
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: because Yeah, pretty much your human connection, especially to people
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: that you like, is going to be the number one
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: factor that's going to determine your overall life satisfaction and happiness.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: So it's really, really interesting. I'm going to read way
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: more into it, do a bit more research, pull some
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: studies together and put together an episode about the psychology
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: of where you live because it's really working in my favor.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: So yeah, feeling very grateful, very, yeah, just happy and grateful. Anyway,
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: let's get straight into the first question.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: Hi, Alexis.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: How to rebuild and forgive myself as a parent for
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: the mistakes I made when I did not know any better.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: I'm a woman in my mid-30s and my story starts
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: as so many of our beautiful beans. I have built
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: a solid foundation starting from rock bottom using so much
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: of the education and knowledge you have given me. I'm
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: so truly grateful for your existence. You have changed my
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: life over the years. To summarize, I met a narcissist, abusive,
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: older man when I was a teenager, married said man
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: and had my daughter in my very early 20s. I
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: left the marriage at 25 and filed for divorce when
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: my daughter was three. In the short while after, it
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: was like a storm cloud followed my daughter and I.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: We faced homelessness, that's just horrible, and I faced some
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: serious health issues. My daughter was the only reason I
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: had to get out of bed some days, such pressure
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: on a child's shoulders. But despite it all, we were
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: finally free to be ourselves and we had each other.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: But if you wish to see a rainbow. You have
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: to stand a little rain. So we knuckled down and
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: these days life is amazing. My daughter and I smash
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: life as a little team and she makes me proud
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: every day. Through listening to your podcast, I gained the
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: tools to change my life. I studied a degree and
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: have an amazing career. I was able to afford surgery
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: that changed my life and my health and I lost
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: 50 kilos. This is like an incredible transformation story. but
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I look even better on the inside. My mental health
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: has never been stronger and my daughter finally gets the
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: best version of me. This last year, I met the
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: love of my life after 10 years happily single.
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: Great times. Great fucking times, babe.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: And with his children, we have fit together like glue.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: We are so happy. Is it possible for my daughter
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: to still have a secure attachment style after adversity like
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: this in her childhood? Please note, my daughter has and
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: continues to be linked.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: In with mental health providers and medical professionals.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: I'm referring to the things I can do as a
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: primary caregiver to undo mistakes I have made in formative years.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Okay, this is a phenomenal question for many, many reasons.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for sharing your story as well.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: But I really like that you have addressed this idea
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: of secure attachment and attachment style in general or attachment theory.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: So one of the most important things when it comes
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: to secure attachment is pretty much above all is the
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: concept of repair. If repair is done consistently and properly,
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: that attachment can be very, very healthy. And to get
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: proper secure attachment, you need to have that very close
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: bond with your primary caregiver. So given that she, although
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: has gone through obviously many traumatic experiences with you, alongside you,
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: you have been that primary caregiver, not her biological father.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: So already that is a positive thing in the sense
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: that she's had you as her absolute rock.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: Now, of course, the kind of attachment that you would
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: have had.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: When you were unable to get out of bed and
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: you'd only get out of bed for her and all
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: these days, of course, that wouldn't be giving off the
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: most secure.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: Style of attachment for her initially.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: It's what you were doing to kind of rebuild and
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: strengthen a secure attachment as she goes through her life,
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: which it seems is what you were doing now. You
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: have gone through this amazing transformation process with yourself. You
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: seem to have a very close relationship with your daughter, where.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: You are each other's person.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: So this sense of adoration for your daughter is but
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: also demonstrating through your actions that you are prioritizing yourself
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: and you care for yourself is very, very valuable for
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: your daughter to see unfold in front of her. She's
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: seeing firsthand this kind of true self-respect modeled in front
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: of her after going through so much adversity. I think
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: your daughter is currently seeing everything that needs to be
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: seen in.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: Order to repair.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: You are also providing her with the tools of professional
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: mental health support outside of that. So in my opinion,
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: I genuinely do believe that you are doing all the
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: right things you can be doing, especially with the circumstances
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: that you were in that you had really no control
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: about and you did everything that you could have done.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: You left that relationship.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: You went through horrible hardship to pull yourself out of
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: it so you and your daughter wouldn't have to be
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: exposed to an abusive relationship, which was incredible that you
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: were able to do that. So in my opinion, I
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: think you're doing it all right now. I think you're
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: doing all the right things that you should be doing.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Um, yeah, the only thing I.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: Would add to that is just keep focusing on that
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: sense of repair. And that is when you think that
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: something has gone wrong, or maybe if like an old
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: wound is reopened and you, maybe you don't react or
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: respond or do something in a way you would have wanted.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: The main thing is to then circle back to what
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: happened in an open and calm conversation with your daughter
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: and try and repair that. Try and say, you know,
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry for this. I didn't mean this. This is
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: what I meant. I apologize to you, forgive me, that
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: sense of repair. Because when you look at secure attachment
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: with parents, People will always make mistakes. Parents will always
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: make mistakes. And you don't want as a parent to
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: feel like you're walking on eggshells. Did I ignore my
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: child at that time?
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: Did I do that?
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: Did I, oh my God, I didn't address it properly.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: I didn't.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: You can't live that way.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: You have to be comfortable and confident as a parent.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: The main thing is if you make a mistake, firstly,
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: you're always bettering yourself as a parent. You're always seeing
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: where you can make improvements. But sometimes we fuck up.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we say the wrong thing. Sometimes we you know,
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: ignore someone. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes we snap. Sometimes we're
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: at the end of our tether and we yell or
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: we raise our voice or whatever it might be. But
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: the main thing is that we acknowledge it, we're aware
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: of it, and we include our child in that repair.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: Because what a lot of parents do or used to
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: do more so than what I feel they do now,
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: at least in the current society that I'm in and
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: that I'm able to witness, is that if they did
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: something wrong, they would brush it under the rug and
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: wait till things smoothed over and they would never address it.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of parents thought that it was
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: an admission of defeat if they admitted that they were
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: wrong or they did the wrong thing, whereas that's the
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: opposite of what a healthy repair relationship is with a child.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: If a child can see their parent say, I shouldn't
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: have done that, I did the wrong thing, this is
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: what I should have done instead and I'm sorry, not.
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: you know, will you forgive me?
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Will this, will that, you know, I don't think it's,
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: you know, you're not asking your child to like, you're
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: not putting, you're just saying, this is how I feel.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: And I genuinely do apologize. And this is why I
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: did it. And this is what I'm going to try
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: and do next time.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: And I'm so sorry. That kind of repair.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: Is including your child in your growth progress. And then
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: your child sees that, you know, you can make mistakes
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: and it's not the end of the world to turn
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: around and apologize. It's very healthy, very healthy thing that
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: you could model in front of your kid. But I
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: think you're doing absolutely everything right. You know, you've provided
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: her with a great model of someone who's gone through
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: so much hardship and adversity and come out the other end.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: And you're also providing her with professional mental health support.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: So yeah, honestly, good on you and congratulations. And thank
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: you so much for writing in. That's an incredible story.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: And yeah, very proud of you. Okay.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: Next question. Hi, Alexis.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: First of all, I'm obsessed with you and the podcast.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: Thank you. I've listened for years and I don't know
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: what I would do without you. Please never change. I
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: recently had a friend bring up to me that she
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: noticed her husband's frequent search history of OnlyFans pages. They're
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: cool with each other's urges. They watch porn together sometimes,
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: and they're pretty open that it's cool to watch.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: That kind of material.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: The problem is that She didn't realize OnlyFans was paying
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: for subscriptions and chatting with these girls, not just free
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: internet porn. That really threw her through a loop. I
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: also have friends who have found out about partners paying
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: girls for pictures on Snapchat, etc. Some men have even
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: drained their mutual married funds on things like this. I
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: got curious and looked back on my ex's following, and
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: he indeed follows and likes a lot of OnlyFans models,
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: local strippers, etc. And it gave me such an ick.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: I'm typically very supportive of sex workers and I don't
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: blame anyone for using their assets and getting their bag,
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: but I've really felt sad and gross knowing people so
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: close to me.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: Or dating are participating.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling kind of confused and hypocritical. I think I'm
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: writing all of this to say I'm sort of losing
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: faith in finding a loyal partner. When I looked into
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: the OnlyFans profiles, I was shocked by how many other
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: husbands of friends were also following these women. People who
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: seem very innocent, good guys, and between this and the
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: recent news of the our own politicians and people in
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: power in the US, it's just all feeling quite icky
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: the way men view women and compare women and judge
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: women and take advantage of women. Is it reasonable to
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: look for someone who doesn't do these things in today's world?
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: It's too easy to hide in social media, dating apps
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: and all of this unlimited internet access. I'm not Mother
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: Teresa by any means. I'm a very open person around sexuality, kinks,
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: whatever your thing, but this has me feeling quite jaded
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: around finding someone decent. Again, this is zero shade to
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: any of the workers or kink shaming. I know you've
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: talked about some of this on your pod before, but
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: I'm really curious on the psychology of porn addiction, what
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: the apps and this kind of access to photos and videos,
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: a lot of times ones that aren't even real or
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: realistic versions of women's bodies does to our brain and
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: maybe lack of satisfaction in the real world. It almost
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: feels safer to stay single at this point, if that
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: makes sense. Thanks again for all you do.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: I just love you.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: This is a very, very good question. I mean, they're
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: all good questions. I say that after every question, but
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: it's a great question. Listen, I would agree that if
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: I didn't find a partner that aligned with me on
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: these morals and values, I 100%, without a doubt in
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: my mind, would be single as the alternative. There's no
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: way in fucking hell I would settle for this bullshit.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: So yes, if you don't find your partner, my advice
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: to you is absolutely stay single, like without a doubt.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: because you are safer that way. Okay. Emotionally, psychologically, and
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: physically probably with a lot of fucking fuckwits out there.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: So unless you found a partner that you feel is right,
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: that is my advice. Now, how are we finding these partners?
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: Do they exist? What's the deal? This and that. They
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: do exist.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: They do exist. I think it's very easy to become
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: jaded and fair enough because there is so much of
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: this happening. There is so much of this happening. And
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: now with this crazy accessibility to all this stuff, it's
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: more and more obvious of how common this kind of
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: thing is. Now, when we talk about porn addiction, one
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: thing that I will say is I would never personally
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: be in a relationship with someone that has a porn addiction.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: If you want to dabble into porn and I've agreed
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: that that's okay, that's one thing, but addiction is a
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: whole nother ballgame. And it is a very, very painful
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: journey that you would embark on if you were in
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: a relationship with someone with a porn addiction. And it
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: is so layered and I'm not going to go into
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: it because I have an entire podcast episode on the
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: psychology of porn addiction. So definitely go check that out
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: if anyone else listening is interested in what I.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: Mean by all of that.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: But basically there are so many layers to it and
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: it is something that I would never sign up for
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: and I never want any of my listeners to sign
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: up for that kind of life. Addiction in general is
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: just a battle that only the addict can truly, truly
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: fight for themselves. You can support, you can do as
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: much as you can, but ultimately you have no control.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: You don't know how much control they have over their
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: addiction and you end up sacrificing so much of your
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: own life and happiness for someone else's addiction. and the
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: journey that they're on, and you're kind of just a
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: passenger along for the ride. It is a very difficult
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: thing to do. So if we're looking at someone with
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: a porn addiction, in my opinion, that's an absolute no-go zone,
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: a fucking no-go zone for your own sanity.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: Now, and people might disagree.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: With me, but if that's your vibe, absolutely go for it.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: But I'm talking from a mental health perspective, I wouldn't
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: go there. Now, when we're talking about how are we
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: finding people that don't do this and are not like this.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: I can't tell you where you can find these people,
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: but what I can say is that absolutely they do exist.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: And you also are.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: More likely to find different circles will hang out with
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: people that are kind of similar to them, right? So
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: you will normally find that men that turn a blind
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: eye to something negative being said about women or who
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: are derogatory or use a certain kind of language or
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: engage in certain kind of behaviors are more likely to
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: find peers that kind of do the same thing, that
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: kind of make that behavior seem perfectly acceptable and perfectly normal.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: You don't want to find someone who you like and
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: then you find out dabbles in that and you think,
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: how can I change them? I would never want to
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: start dating someone and think, How can I make sure
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: that they see that that's unacceptable and this and that?
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: I just don't think it would ever be my responsibility
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: or anyone else's to teach someone the ways of how
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: to just be an adult when you're already a fucking adult, okay?
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: I would rather just find an adult who behaved like
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: one or be single.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: So for example, I look at, it's certain things about
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: language and behavior and little things that you start seeing. Obviously,
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: you can't truly know someone until you know them well.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: You can't truly know someone's real character until you've gotten
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: close with them and understood how they deal with adversity
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: and how they deal with a conflicting point of view
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: and how they deal with someone else who's going through
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: something difficult. Are they an advocate? Do they just shut
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: their mouth? It takes a long time to truly get
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: to know someone. This is why I don't believe in
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: love at first sight. I believe in lust at first sight.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: But to really love someone is to really know someone.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: And it takes a while. So I can't say, oh, well,
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: there's these like key factors that are dead giveaways that
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: they're a misogynist or they are watching porn or this
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: or that. But there are certain things that you can
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: start to tell in the early stages of dating that
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: you could gauge how they feel about certain things. When
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: you start talking about women's, you know, like the issues
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: that women go through, or if you raised something like
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: the Cornell seven, like what's their reaction?
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: How do they feel about it?
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: Do they, You can start to get a general sense
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: of where they are positioned and do they genuinely care
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: about what a woman has gone through without them needing
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: to be their mother or their daughter? Because another thing
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: that I really hate is that a lot of men
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: will say.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: Imagine if she was your daughter. Why?
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: Here's me going off on a tangent, but why? Why
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: does this man have to have a blood tie to
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: this individual to care? Why do we need to say
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: imagine if they were your daughter? Like a woman, if
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: I saw a man getting beaten or assaulted, I don't
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: have to be like, oh, imagine if he was my son.
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: No, I would be horrified, full stop.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: I would never have to think what would be my
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: relationship type for me to care. That is crazy that
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: men have to do that in order to be like, oh, yeah,
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: now I care.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: Oh, oh, that's awful.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Oh, it's fucking awful.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: Like get a fucking grip.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: So for me, it's actually quite easy to think, well,
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: if that's what I'm dealing with or being single, I'll
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: just be fucking single. But I'm telling you, there are
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: good fucking men. I hate that I even have to
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: say that on the podcast. There are fucking great men
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: out there. And you can tell by the conversations that
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: they have. So for example, here's an example. My dad
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: the other day came up to me and was like,
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: I was listening to this really interesting podcast about PCOS
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: and how many women are, like it's so underdiagnosed and
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: this and that. Here's my dad listening to a podcast
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: about something that has nothing to do with him, that
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: he's genuinely interested in and cares about women's health and
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: was then passing on the information to me being like,
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: listen to this.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: And I don't even have it.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: But he was like, oh, it's just crazy and how
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: there's just no research around a lot of women's health
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: things and whatever.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: So this is what I mean.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: Conversations with men that care about women in general is
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: a good starting point. And then from there, you'll be
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: able to like gather more information and you start saying,
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: for example, my partner, Tyrone, how much of a, he's
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: such a carer, such a provider, such a, even with physical,
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: like with acts of service, just not only to me,
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: but to his mother, to his sister. He's, you know,
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: like you look at how he really prioritizes.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: And values women in his life.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: So it's things like that. I've never heard Tyrone make,
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: you know, he doesn't make derogatory statements in general. So
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: it's little things like that, that you start collecting all
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: this data.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: And evidence around the men that you are engaging with.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: And you can start to piece together if you think
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: that they're going to be someone that you want to
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: be in a relationship with or not. I know it's
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: messy and it's complicated, but there's some fucking legends out there.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: It's just, you're, you're sifting through it to find, you know, and,
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: and any, you know, that's, that's with any kind of
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: relationship and with, and it's not just with that. There's
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: many aspects of someone's personality that you need to be
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: sifting through to.
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: Find your right match.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: And you could have your kinks, you could have you know,
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: your sexual things that you do. But when it comes
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: to what you were referring to in this question, everything
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: has to do with communication and consent. The reason why
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: it's so fucked up when you find, oh, well, this
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: happened is because a lot of the time that was
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: not communicated, that was not made clear. The idea that
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: someone was paying for something, obviously there was no agreeance
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: that that was okay in the relationship. Most relationship breakdowns
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: happen because of a lack of communication around something and
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: lying behind someone, you know, going behind someone's back about
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: something because you didn't communicate properly. You have to, number one,
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: you have to express your needs. You also have to
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: listen to the other person's needs. You have to communicate effectively.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: And then you have to adhere to the things that
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: you have agreed on. If you can't do those three
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: steps in a relationship, that's the first for that you
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: leave immediately because nothing else is going to come of it.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: So if you can get those three steps down, it
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: doesn't matter what your kinks are, what your sexual preferences are,
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: none of that matters. Because if you can tick all
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: those three boxes, then everyone's aligned and everyone's fucking happy. Okay.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: That is the answer to that question. So I've gone
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: on a million tangents, but I feel like it was
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: a broad question. So I wanted to cover it quite broadly. Okay.
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: We've got one last question. Hi, Alexis.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: OG listener here. You're doing God's work. Thank you.
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: I'm in my new mum era as well.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: Welcome. So I thought you might be able to give
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: me some advice on my situation. My partner and I
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: have been together for four years and we have a
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: beautiful 10-month-old baby girl.
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: Congratulations.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: As a new mum, I feel like the postpartum challenges
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: that can arise in a relationship during the first year
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: after having a baby just aren't spoken about enough. My
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: partner is still going out partying and regularly comes home
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: at 6.30 a.m., When I tell him it hurts me
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: and doesn't feel fair, his response is, you and the
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: baby are asleep anyway, so what's the difference between me
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: coming home.
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: At 12am or 6?
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: To me, it's about so much more than what time
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: we wake up. It's about being a parent, respecting your family,
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: being present and knowing that if something happened overnight, he
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: would be there. I've said this to him before and
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: he calls me melodramatic. I just feel like once you
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: have a baby, your priorities naturally have to change. I
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: do love him and I don't want to leave, but
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: I also don't think this feels equal anymore. I'm home
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: carrying the mental load, caring for our baby and adjusting
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: my whole life around being a mom while he still
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: seems to be able to be living as though he
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: doesn't have the same responsibilities. Do you know anyone who
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: has been through something similar? Did their partner eventually understand
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: where they were coming from? How do you get through
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: to them without it turning into another argument? Okay. Thank
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: you so much for this question. Now, This is the
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: annoying thing that a lot of people do in relationships.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: Your final question is what's going to start my whole
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: answer for you. You said, how do I get through
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: to them without turning it into an argument? This is
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: such a weapon that a lot of people use. They
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: create the problem. They act on this problem. They benefit
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: from the problem that they've created because it's a problem
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: for you, but it's not a problem for them. So
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: they're just living their fucking loving life, being fucking selfish.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: Their partner then approaches them and say, this is an issue.
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: There's an imbalance of fairness here. It's unfair for me.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: And they're like, and then it causes a fight. So
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: then you're then stuck thinking, how do I raise this
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: without causing a fight? He wins.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: He's instantly won.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: He's now created a dynamic that if you ever want
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: to raise it again, it equals fight. You now have
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: to deal with not only the issue that he started,
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: but you also have to deal with the fact that
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: now it's going to result in an argument. You guys
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: being annoyed at each other, him being pissed off, him
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: blowing up, or maybe you blowing up or whatever it is.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: So then you start avoiding bringing it up. He got
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: exactly what he wanted. Never avoid a fight because that's
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: what they try and do. They'll try and create such
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: a drama around you even bringing it up. This is
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: why people always label their partners as being a nagger.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: It's a psychological manipulation. If I say to you every
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: time you tell me to take the, let's say we've
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: agreed that I have to take the rubbish out every day.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: But I decide not to do it. And then you say, oh,
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: can you take the rubbish out? Hey, you didn't take
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: the rubbish out. You said you'd take the rubbish out.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: Then I'm like, oh, my partner's such a nagger. All
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: he talks about is me taking the rubbish out. Fucking
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: such a nagger.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: Nags me all the time. Nags me all the time.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: Instead of being like, wait a minute, cunt, you can't
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: stick to your word.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: You said you'd do something. You don't do it.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: Now someone has to either remind you or tell you
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: that you didn't do it. But all of a sudden,
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: I'm not the problem.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: I've pushed.
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: I've pushed the label and the problem and the embarrassment
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: on the nagger, okay? So that's kind of a similar
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: psychological thing. They try and make you bringing it up
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: the problem. They're deflecting from the real problem and now
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: you're the problem.
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: You're melodramatic. I'm going to cause an argument. You've got
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: a problem with this.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: It doesn't work that way.
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: This is a relationship. We've gone through a major change.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: And part of this major change involves both of us
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: maturing into parents. Another really infuriating thing that I see
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: just in society in general, it's not, I mean, luckily
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: not in my own relationship and in close friends, but
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: a very common theme that you see is that parents
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: will have a baby and all of a sudden it's
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: kind of forgiven that the mother knows exactly what to do,
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: how she's doing it. how she's going to carry on,
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: that she's the responsible one in the middle of the
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: night waking up. If anything happens, she's the one who's
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: taking the lead, controlling everything. And the man is kind
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: of like, well, I don't know what to do.
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: I don't fucking know what to do.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: You tell me what to do.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry. I'm just fucking out. What does it matter?
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: They become this victim in their own life. They're just
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: like this helpless twat, essentially. And so you're kind of
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: there trying not to be turned off. trying to be like,
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: I do love them. I do want to stay together.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: Of course, I want to stay together with the father
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: of my child, if possible. And they're just not doing
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: anything to help. So in your question, have I seen this? Look,
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: I've seen it play out with a lot of podcast
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: listeners and in general public. None of my close friends
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: that I can think of have gone through exactly that,
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: to be dead honest with you. But can behavior change
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: is your question?
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: Of course it can.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: But in order for the behavior to change, it can't
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: be you constantly feeling like you're nagging him and then
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: hoping he takes that and hoping this and hoping that.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: This needs a very, very hard, strong conversation. This needs
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: something that has to get to him. And you need
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: to sit him down and say, this is not just
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: a passing thing. This is not a reaction on the
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: fact that you came home at 6am last night. We're
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: going to have a conversation. We are going to sit
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: the fuck down. We can book it in if you're
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: not ready right now, 8 p.m. tomorrow night or whenever
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: the fuck, but we're going to block out time because
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: I have to have a serious conversation with you. And
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: one thing that I will not have is character assassination.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: You're not going to call me melodramatic because I'm raising
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: a legitimate concern when I've got a 10-month-old baby.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: You're not going to do that. I won't have it.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: You're also not going to turn this into an argument.
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: We are two adults having a conversation about our fucking future, okay?
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: So those are the two fucking.
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: Criteria of this conversation that we are going to have.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: And you can voice your opinions like an adult, and
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: I will do the same. But we need to have
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: some serious boundaries, some serious parameters around what is acceptable
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: and what is not acceptable. Now, I will tell you
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: that there have been definitely nights where Tyrone has gone
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: out since we've had the twins. But firstly, it's been
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: planned ahead of time. He has let me know. Secondly,
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: it's few and far between, very few and far between.
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: It'll be like someone's birthday or this or that, you know.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: So I am well prepared that he's going to be off,
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: you know, on his best friend's birthday or whatever. It's
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: very rare that he does, but it's something that we
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: can both prep for. And I'll have you say it
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: works both ways. I also can go out with my
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: friends and Tyrone is alone with the babies as well.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: So it's something that is mutual. So that communication needs
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: to be happening. You also have to say, before you
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: even sit down and talk to him, you have to say, genuinely,
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: what am I willing to accept? Is there a middle
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: ground I'm happy with, or do I want him to
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: turn around and say, I don't ever want to go out?
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: Is there something that you could say, you know what,
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: if you only did this once every two months, I
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: would say, you know what, go nuts, have a big night,
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: it's fine, I'll hold the fort down. But if you're
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: doing this weekly, this is unacceptable. As a family, you
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: cannot be doing this every single week. So it's It's
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: a bit of give and take. It's understanding what am
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: I genuinely okay with and why, and what am I
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: not okay with and why?
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: What does it represent?
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: Is he then hung over the whole next day and
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: then you have to pick up the pieces and do
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: absolutely everything? It's not just the night that he's gone.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: It's the whole next day as well that negatively impacts you.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: So you also need to have a very clear idea
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: of what is the share of responsibilities around that time
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: of when he's going out and what this even means.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: If he's not willing to sit, the main thing around
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: all of this, because this might take a bit of
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: teething to get to a happy place where you're like, well,
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: I'm fine with this And I think this is a
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: good threshold and he's fine with then reducing this, whatever.
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: The main thing is that he's willing to have the conversation.
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: If he is not willing to even have a conversation,
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: I will say that that is a major crack that
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: will only get worse. And I'm not saying you need
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: to leave him, whatever, but you need to have some
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: sort of bigger intervention in that relationship if that's the case.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: If your partner keeps deflecting and calling you dramatic, that
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: is a huge problem that's not going to fix itself
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: on its own. It will not go away on its
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: own and it will get worse. Your partner has to
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: be willing to sit down and talk because your partner
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: should care about how you feel. If he doesn't care
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: about how you feel, that's your answer. Now you know
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: what your future is going to look like.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: End of story.
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: Now what you choose to do with that future is
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: not up to me, but that is the big thing.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: So what I do see a lot of is that
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: A lot of men will feel left out sometimes emotionally
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: when they have a baby because the mother's, all her
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: attention is going on the baby. And then they make
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: it all about them because they're just another big baby.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: And they'll get all upset instead of being like, I'm
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: actually a man. So I'm going to step in and
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: really be a man in the family. They choose to
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: be a victim at the most convenient time in everyone's life.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: And they make it all about them, right?
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: And so then they don't really put other people's needs
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: before them, which is exactly what The mother is doing,
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: she's putting the baby needs before everyone else's needs, but
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: they can't do the same. So your main thing in
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: all of this to summarize the whole question is you
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: need to see that he cares about your feelings, number one,
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: and is willing to have an open, honest, kind, kind
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: conversation with you about this. If he deflects, if he
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: character assassinates, if he starts calling you this, that fucking melodramatic, whatever,
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: If he then turns every conversation into an argument, huge
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: red flag, huge cracks.
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: And you can tell him that.
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: You need to say, if I don't see that you
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: care about my feelings and you can have a nice
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: conversation about something that is weighing on my mind, especially
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: when I've already told you that it's a concern of
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: mine and I just want to talk about it. If
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: you can't even talk about it, then this is the
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: first major problem in moving forward for us as a couple.
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: So yeah, that's what I would do. And I would
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: look out for those main things. You need to see
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: that your partner cares about your feelings. I can't believe
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: I'm even saying this. I can't believe I'm stating the obvious,
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: but if, yeah, you need, yeah. Number one, does he
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: care about your feelings? Does he show concern when you say,
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: I'm sad that this happened?
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: Or is he like, oh, for fuck's sake.
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: Because that just tells you absolutely everything you need to know.
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: If my partner came to me and was.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: Like, look, I'm really upset. I'm really concerned about this.
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: I'd be like, oh my God, are you okay?
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: What happened?
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: Like, tell me, what have I done? And then I
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: would decide if I'm going to defend myself or not.
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: But if my initial reaction is like, oh, what a pest.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: Fucking has come to ruin my vibe.
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: Ruin my day, ruin my fucking night out.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: Then what does that show about how much I care
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: about my partner? Okay. Guys, that is the episode for today.
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for sending your questions in. If
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: you do want to send in your questions, you can
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: email your question at info at dyfmpod.com. And if you
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: want to send a voice note in, you can go
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: onto the website and there's a little thing where you
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: can submit a voice note. And the website is www.dyfmpod.com.
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: Also with your questions, sometimes we would receive some really
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: good questions in the email format, but they take like
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: literally about 10 minutes to read. And then of course
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: that eats into like half the episode. So we just
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: unfortunately cannot answer the super, super long ones. And I
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: do understand that people do want to include detail, but
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: because I'm, yeah, I'm answering like three questions an episode,
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: we want to keep the questions to like three minutes
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: reading time, maybe a bit less roughly.
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: Sometimes that can be a bit over.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: But make sure they're not super, super, super lengthy because
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: I do want to include as many questions as possible
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: in the episodes. Guys, thank you so much. As always, remember,
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain. Don't
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: take shit from anyone and especially don't take shit from yourself. Danke.