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The Gunslingers Tavern -Sexual Assaults and the true Affects · Military Broadcast Radio | MBR Talk

• 0:15
  Try to listen to me. You're keeping us.
• 0:21
  Alive. Now you can forget about that
• 0:22
  one and you keep them coming in. You're doing well, son.
• 0:23
  Find us on the web at MB radio dot.
• 0:24
  US want to make it clear that the views expressed by our hosts
• 0:27
  are not considered the official stance of MBR views.
• 0:31
  Remember, this is all about having fun and enjoying the
• 0:33
  ride. Welcome to Gunslingers Tavern.
• 0:42
  I'm Audrey McHugh. I'm a bisexual open woman that
• 0:46
  served in the military brown water Navy.
• 0:49
  Shout out to my Airedales One in three veterans experience
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  military sexual. Trauma.
• 0:55
  Here we use whiskey. For good and talk about all
• 0:58
  different events that affect veterans and how we can do
• 1:01
  better to make sure that no one has to release their burden of
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  rape at these gates anymore and ensure that veterans lives are
• 1:09
  advocated and lived for. Hey guys, it's Audrey with you,
• 1:17
  with gunslingers, Taverns slinging you some perspective
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  today along with some good dreams.
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  But. I wanted to talk to you today.
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  About what it. Takes to deal with being
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  sexually assaulted or raped in the military, or just dealing
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  with that in general. So today I went to the gym.
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  And I went to the gym on base. It was great.
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  It was very difficult for me. To actually walk into a gym
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  after being sexually assaulted and sexually harassed,
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  especially being assaulted by your.
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  Own. Right.
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  That betrayal is. So devastating I don't.
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  Know how to say that when somebody's supposed.
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  To be your brother and protect you.
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  And they decide to do something like that.
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  How much it impacts your life? So just.
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  Going to the gym today on base and working out and it wasn't
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  like. A huge.
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  Workout It was just like a start to something better and I was
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  triggered. I had a.
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  Flashback of. One of the sexual.
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  Assaults. At the gym and I was refusing to
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  give in. So I'm very proud.
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  Of myself today, honestly, I, you know, said fuck you, PTSD.
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  Like I went to the gym. Anyway, and I didn't.
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  Do anything spectacular but just me being there.
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  And not leaving the gym and saying I have the right to be
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  here just as much as anyone else was a victory like a true
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  victory for me. And I can't wait to go back.
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  I can't wait to keep going on base and.
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  Working. Out and enjoying myself and
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  getting back to the person that was an athlete before she was
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  raped and sexually assaulted in the Navy.
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  And I think I have every right to want that person and this
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  elevatedness that comes along with going through this
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  experience too. Those are some of the things I
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  don't even think people think. Of that when?
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  You're raped. Or sexually assaulted people are
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  just like that's. Horrible.
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  I'm sorry that. Happened to you?
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  But it really takes so much work to get through what somebody
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  else did to you and their choice to.
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  Destroy your happiness because. Of their lust and really their
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  need to have power. And control over someone at the.
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  Expense of someone else. 'S happiness?
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  And I think that I'm never going to forgive those people and I
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  don't have to be asked. To forgive those people, and
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  I'm. Happy.
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  For other people that feel it's necessary to do that in their
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  healing process, but I'm never forgiving those people.
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  Ever. Ever.
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  And I'm going to do. Everything in my power to keep
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  people. Held accountable for those.
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  Kind of. Actions because it shouldn't
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  take me 20 years plus to feel safe to go.
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  Back on a base again. Like ever.
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  It shouldn't take me over 20 years to feel like it's OK to
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  work out. With my shipmates.
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  I should have felt that. Over 20 years ago.
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  I should have felt safe. Then.
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  And I had a. Flashback I was triggered.
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  I mean triggered by. Like I was looking around and
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  being like, well, how many people are in here and who could
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  be potential threats? And you know, am I going to be
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  safe here instead of just like, hey, I'm just going to the the
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  gym today and this is another day and what's my workout going
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  to be? I can't really focus.
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  Like that yet, And I'm really looking forward to when I can,
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  but today was. I got there.
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  I didn't leave. I didn't have a panic attack.
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  The triggers came in to. Give me those panic attacks and
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  I. Beat that.
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  I beat that. So I really enjoyed being there.
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  It made me feel good to be back into my my community.
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  I. Served my country.
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  I have every right to be there and yeah.
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  So I don't think people think about that.
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  It took me over 20 years to get back in the ocean after being
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  raped on the. Beach outside of my apartment.
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  And I loved the ocean, and it took everything for me to.
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  Start surfing again. And I don't think people
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  understand that. And I'm.
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  Happy for myself. I don't think I really talk
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  about. Me.
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  Very often I talk about how much I'm going to help other people.
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  Which I do, I help people get through the same.
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  Things that I'm going through. But there are days where I don't
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  want to take a. Shower.
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  There are days when just taking a shower triggers me.
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  There are days where I look like a bum because I one.
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  I just don't care. And two, I just don't.
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  Feel like it I. Don't feel like.
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  Going through the process and dealing with shit so there are
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  days. Where I should be?
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  More attentive and trying to be on track, and I can't do it
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  because PTSD is playing its game.
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  But. I would say that if I look at
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  just my video. Where?
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  I'm at the gates of a place where I was raped at and I'm
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  dropping. A rock off.
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  And that's, I would say two years, almost two years now, and
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  I'm releasing that burden and that woman is crying
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  hysterically. At that.
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  Gate because she's remembering everything.
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  I'm nowhere near her. I'm.
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  Such a different person from when that happened when I
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  released that I have. Gone through edmr I've.
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  Gone through exposure. Therapy.
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  I kind of did a lot of exposure therapy myself, so I just
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  decided to go to awesome nightclubs.
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  In some pretty dope places. Like New Jersey shut out, This
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  New Yorker loves the Jersey Shore and.
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  Yeah. I was like, OK, I got sexually
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  assaulted in a nightclub and I have to be able to, like, dance
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  and enjoy myself while I'm having flashbacks.
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  And I did that and I got through it, and now I can go dance and I
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  don't even fuck if y'all like how I dance or not at all.
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  Let me just make sure y'all know 'cause it's a silly thing you
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  don't like. Me, I don't care.
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  They don't like us. We don't care.
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  Like we're not gonna give you our energy.
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  So. So I'm gonna go.
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  Have fun. Dance my little heart.
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  Away. Not give a fuck.
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  If people like it or not, and that's wonderful, I think
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  everybody should live. Like that.
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  It's very empowering. It's.
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  Freeing it's happiness Gilbert's So that's that's just one
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  little. Part of it.
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  I. Made sure that I.
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  Made rocks with. Some of the perpetrators I went
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  to different places where I was raped at and went back to it and
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  kind of like. Took my one wheel.
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  And just rode through that pain and I keep doing that.
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  I keep riding. Through the pain, unfortunately,
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  it doesn't go away. Like it's not.
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  Like hey. I've woken up and.
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  I don't have any more triggers today and.
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  I don't have a memory. Of being raped and it's good to
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  go. That hasn't happened.
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  I'm just not going to and I'm not going to say that's.
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  OK, because being raped. Is just not OK.
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  I have to go to pelvic floor because I.
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  Was raped so brutally in one attack with my own crutch for
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  hours that. The insides of my body are still
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  damaged. Over 20 years from that crutch
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  sodomizing. Me and being placed in my
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  vaginal area. For over 2.
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  And a half three. Hours that I still have to go
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  get help. To try to.
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  Repair the damage from a rapist over 20 years.
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  So I'm still. Healing.
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  My body inside and out, my soul my.
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  Happiness. I'm still healing and I don't.
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  Think that I should have to heal.
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  And keep healing from this. When the.
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  Person that did that got to carry on with their life.
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  These other people got to be promoted and have no.
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  Real consequences to it. But I still have to keep doing.
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  The work. To heal me from pain that other
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  people caused. It's just simply morally wrong
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  and right. Now.
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  Hamas has over 100 of my people held hostage and they're being
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  raped every day and you go to sleep, they are being raped and
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  it's horrendous. Rape is horrendous.
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  It should never be used as a means of war.
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  And certainly. We should not condone.
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  These kind of things we have to do better.
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  We have to do better I. Am grateful.
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  I'm grateful that I have the opportunity, A gift to be able
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  to use some of what I've gone. Through to help others.
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  I really, really am. I wouldn't wish anything that
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  happened to me to anyone. It's terrible.
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  I just didn't. Really.
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  Talk about. But.
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  It's happened to me. Very much because I'm kind of
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  too busy trying to save the lives of other people, I put a
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  Glock 17 in my mouth. And tried to kill myself.
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  I pulled the trigger and there's somebody right now who it's
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  right near that that moment, and I think that we.
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  Revise that. Active duty service members are
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  apparently making ends meet that literally the fire ups in the
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  military have come forward and basically have begged Congress
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  to sufficiently pay us for what we do.
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  And it's being ignored. They say that they've given us
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  the biggest pay raise ever, but the reality is you.
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  Haven't. Because the states are.
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  Often. Being.
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  Relied on. To give people that are on
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  active duty food stamps, we aren't really even feeding.
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  Our own military. This isn't a Department of
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  Defense issue. At this point.
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  This lies with Congress. We've asked for money to make.
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  Improvements to Barracks. We have some of the lowest
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  levels of. Enlisted members.
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  Living in despicable conditions, we need people to join the
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  military. So in order for them to join the
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  military, we have to show them that we're really going to take
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  care of them, that this is the place you want to be.
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  That this brotherhood, this sisterhood, there's nothing like
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  it. I mean, to be a part of the
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  military is uniquely special. You have chosen this path.
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  I chose it because I love. This country, I wanted to serve
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  my country. Pretty.
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  Much, I mean indefinitely. I will never not still serve
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  this country, but for other people.
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  They only. Wanted to join for school or for
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  a few. Years and I respect their
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  choices. So long as they realize.
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  That you are joining something. Where you could lose your life
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  and if you're OK with that, then I come in.
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  For a little bit, but. As this family will always be
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  welcome, you will always be a part of something special that
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  you will never get with your blood relatives.
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  I don't care how close you are to your family.
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  There is nothing like a military family.
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  It's irreplaceable. It is across all ages, this
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  bond. It doesn't matter what branch
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  you're in. Again, go Navy, beat Army.
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  I can see that because I actually served in the Navy.
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  See that? So I can pick on the R&D every
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  time you want, but if you do, I'm not even punch you in the
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  fucking face. That's my brother and sister.
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  Like, I can give that shit to them, but you can't.
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  I mean, you just can't. You.
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  You're not allowed. To at all whatsoever.
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  So there's always these. People that want to talk about
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  how they wish they had served or they were.
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  Going to serve? Well, I did serve.
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  I'm served. Y'all didn't.
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  So your criticism? Of me is literally.
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  Legible. I don't care and.
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  You're not my brothers or sisters, so don't we have to
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  worry about what your. Opinion is.
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  I mean, what are you? Doing to serve your country.
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  What do you do right now to make this country?
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  Better. So what I'm asking Congress to
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  do right now is to make the. Military better.
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  Make it so that people really want to stay here, because it's
• 17:05
  a wonderful thing now. Very few, even in Congress, even
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  Syria at this point. It used to be it was serve in
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  the military, go to law school. And then join Congress.
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  That has not happened. We got people who are not.
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  Qualified. At all who know more about well.
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  Some of them know. Something about sports.
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  I wouldn't say they know a lot about sports.
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  And then they just decided to run the.
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  Office. Rather than wanting to serve
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  their constituents or their people, they did this.
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  For power rather than for the love.
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  Of this country. So I served my country because
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  I. Love this country.
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  I love Americans. I.
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  Love democracy like it is my soul mate.
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  I mean, I'm. Sorry for my soul mate, but you
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  know, I hope you can love the Constitution as much as I do.
• 18:07
  All jokes aside, Congress really needs to get their shit
• 18:12
  together. They need to fully support and
• 18:16
  fund the military at levels which make people want to join,
• 18:21
  especially this younger generation that we need to be
• 18:26
  able to defend democracy in the future because they have to have
• 18:31
  good living conditions, they need to be able to eat.
• 18:36
  It is no longer like you have a good.
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  Retirement package to retire? On we Don't You want to know who
• 18:43
  messed it up? Congress.
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  You want to know who messed up retention rates for the
• 18:49
  military? Congress, You want to know who
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  messed up people? Wanting to serve.
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  This country, Congress, and they don't even serve.
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  And without us, democracy doesn't work.
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  Y'all can try to enforce democracy without the military
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  and it just won't work. You need us, so that means you
• 19:15
  need to clothe us. You need to make sure that we
• 19:19
  have good high levels of pay that our.
• 19:23
  Barracks are taken. Care of that we are well funded
• 19:28
  so that we can make sure that democracy.
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  Carries forward in the. Future rather than Congress
• 19:35
  being cowards. So that's.
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  My talking point on that now? I will give them some.
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  Credit today. Poverty has been their choice,
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  right? Poverty is a is a.
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  Choice in this country. The child tax credit passed
• 19:56
  overwhelmingly with bipartisan. Support in the House.
• 20:01
  Today, I mean they. Had to go around and do it a
• 20:05
  different way, because if you of course, MAGA Republicans, it's
• 20:09
  their choice, their choice to make sure.
• 20:12
  Children. Starve in this country.
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  Rather than be risen. Out of poverty so that we can.
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  Have a continuation of. Our generations that are going
• 20:21
  to support democracy. But those people don't matter.
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  What matters today is today. In this country.
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  Together, together, Democrats and Republicans said, poverty.
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  Is not our. Choice.
• 20:42
  That's effective legislation. That's Congress doing what they
• 20:48
  have been elected to do. So they should stand a little
• 20:53
  bit taller. They should stand in pride.
• 20:57
  And remember. That legislation is exactly what
• 21:03
  they have been sent there to do. They have been sent there to
• 21:07
  solve problems of all. Americans.
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  No matter what their political affiliation is.
• 21:14
  And today the House of Representatives conducted
• 21:19
  themselves in that manner. Wow.
• 21:23
  That's only one small little drop in the bucket.
• 21:28
  Because you know. They out here trying to spend.
• 21:30
  All taxpayer money on some bullshit and you're like, what?
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  Bullshit. The bullshit I'm trying to use
• 21:40
  impeachment for. The the secretary of.
• 21:43
  Homeland Security for. Political gain.
• 21:47
  So this is where you're done. Fucked up, right?
• 21:51
  Stop. Spending our money on shit
• 21:54
  that's not real. Like we as Americans don't get
• 21:59
  to have our money wasted. It's fraudulent misuse of our
• 22:03
  funds, of our taxpayer dollars, and every American should be
• 22:07
  pissed the fuck off when they do something like that.
• 22:11
  In fact, you know, they should have their penny docked for dumb
• 22:15
  little games like that. What?
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  Let's hope. Y'all.
• 22:20
  Let's truly hope today, Republicans and Democrats said
• 22:26
  poverty. Is not our.
• 22:29
  Choice. So that means that when we turn
• 22:34
  this house blue, we're going to get stuff done, we're going to
• 22:39
  take care of things together, that there can be true
• 22:44
  bipartisan packages and solutions to huge issues can be
• 22:52
  solved together. So that's kind of, it's kind of
• 22:59
  my inflection of the day, you know, I've spent a lot of.
• 23:03
  Years in service to this country.
• 23:06
  And goodly, I'm definitely more qualified.
• 23:09
  Than half of those people in the fucking House of Representatives
• 23:13
  and Senate. But here I am trying to save
• 23:17
  the. Lives of veterans.
• 23:19
  Every. Single.
• 23:19
  Day I can and. I just wanted to take the.
• 23:22
  Time to have some reflection on how far I've come, because I've
• 23:28
  come very far I. Can go to.
• 23:30
  Dance clubs. Now I can.
• 23:33
  Sleep with. Guys that have beards, I can
• 23:38
  have fun and dance again I can. Go in the ocean, I can surf I.
• 23:44
  Can snowboard by myself and not care?
• 23:48
  As in, like, I don't believe that I'm going to be attacked by
• 23:51
  somebody I've been boxing and let's just say hockey.
• 23:59
  Ball with bitches, I'm. Ready.
• 24:03
  So you know, I'm just. I'm proud of me.
• 24:08
  I don't think I ever say this to myself.
• 24:10
  But like I'm. Proud of you.
• 24:11
  I'm doing the cue. I'm proud of you because I have
• 24:15
  spoken. About some of the darkest.
• 24:17
  Things that has happened in my life.
• 24:20
  With dignity. And I have.
• 24:23
  At the same time been saving people who have been trying to
• 24:27
  kill. Themselves.
• 24:28
  From the exact same thing that happened to them.
• 24:32
  Because of this. Horrible culture.
• 24:34
  In the military. I'm going to take a moment to
• 24:39
  reflect on the fact that I spent almost 15 years of my life in
• 24:45
  domestic violence and today. I reflected on why.
• 24:52
  Is it called domestic violence? There is nothing domesticated
• 24:59
  about violence like it almost insinuates.
• 25:06
  That Violet. Should be tamed.
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  And that it's. Domesticated because it's at
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  home well. I can tell.
• 25:14
  You with this red mark on my lip that.
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  Has nothing to do with a beauty. Mark.
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  It's from being punched in the face.
• 25:23
  By my ex-husband. Or my teeth being fucked up and
• 25:26
  not aligned properly from him hitting me in the face with
• 25:30
  baseball. Bats and besides his first and
• 25:33
  hammers like. I know you see me.
• 25:39
  You don't really see me. You don't see what I have been
• 25:45
  through. I just don't.
• 25:47
  Talk. About it very often.
• 25:49
  I don't go into deep down right horrible details, but I think
• 25:57
  that the more I do, perhaps it will help you understand that
• 26:03
  violence like that is not domesticated.
• 26:08
  I was hit repeatedly, whether I was at home with this man or
• 26:13
  not. Violence should never be viewed
• 26:17
  as something that is tamable. It's horrendous and as I.
• 26:25
  Grow. Into myself, I believe that
• 26:28
  words become increasingly important.
• 26:31
  I believe that the way we label ourselves are much more valuable
• 26:38
  than the labels that other people put on us.
• 26:43
  I got to experience this beautiful college that
• 26:49
  specializes for the non hearing. What's unimportant because this
• 26:57
  is what they have chosen to identify themselves.
• 27:00
  As. Non hearing rather than death.
• 27:05
  I acknowledge that. I think it's wonderful.
• 27:09
  I think that when somebody informed.
• 27:12
  Me. What the proper terminology of
• 27:15
  somebody who cannot hear wishes to be labeled as it's an
• 27:22
  acknowledgement of them. I could see them, I could hear
• 27:27
  them. The visually impaired.
• 27:31
  I've helped, you know some snow waters with that, and they
• 27:37
  prefer to be called visually impaired rather than blind.
• 27:43
  It's important. It's important that we recognize
• 27:48
  people as they want to be called rather than a label that usually
• 27:54
  a perpetrator or society has placed on someone.
• 27:59
  I think it's so important that we take the.
• 28:02
  Time to truly. Recognize people as they wish to
• 28:08
  be seen. When you've been raped.
• 28:12
  When you've been sexually assaulted.
• 28:15
  When you have been violently abused and only abused, as in
• 28:21
  beaten almost every day with a baseball.
• 28:25
  Bat a hammer. First knocked out, unconscious
• 28:29
  almost every single day. Waking up in pools of blood,
• 28:33
  being suffocated, having guns, being put in your mouth, being
• 28:38
  stabbed, being almost drowned, that's not abuse.
• 28:44
  That's a description of what has happened to me and so many
• 28:49
  others like me. So when you say abuse, it
• 28:55
  doesn't really explain what has happened to a person.
• 29:02
  And I think that the word domestic violence should be
• 29:05
  changed. You're more than welcome to help
• 29:08
  me find a proper word, but I think it needs to be changed to
• 29:13
  reflect the pain that it causes people and families.
• 29:19
  So that's what I. Have today.
• 29:22
  I appreciate you listening to me.
• 29:24
  As always. Your sister's here.
• 29:27
  This Amazonian is here. If you're.
• 29:29
  Suicidal. If you need someone to talk to,
• 29:32
  if you're homeless, if you just don't know what the fuck to do
• 29:36
  at this point, I'm here. Reach out.
• 29:40
  I will. Help you whatever way I can and.
• 29:45
  You're not alone, and it doesn't get better.
• 29:51
  It gets wonderful to be free and to live how you really want to
• 29:56
  be, to come into yourself, to experience who you truly are.
• 30:03
  It's stunning and I encourage you all to heal.
• 30:08
  Your shadows. To not be afraid of it at all.
• 30:11
  To embrace yourself and to stand tall.
• 30:16
  So that's all I got, Amazonians and I'm going to have a drink
• 30:22
  now because I. Definitely deserved.
• 30:25
  It and I don't know why you people participated in dry
• 30:28
  January. I just maybe somebody should
• 30:31
  fill me in, but I'm not doing that.
• 30:33
  So much love. And see you next time.
• 30:39
  That's the show for today everyone.
• 30:41
  Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with an
• 30:44
  all new show. And remember, you can listen to
• 30:46
  us again and again. The podcast of this radio show
• 30:50
  is available right after we go off the air tonight.
• 30:53
  Anywhere that you can get your podcast episodes and thanks for
• 30:58
  joining us today. I'd like to take a moment to
• 31:01
  talk about something close to my heart.
• 31:03
  Military Broadcast Radio is in doing incredible work to support
• 31:08
  our veterans and bring their voices to the world.
• 31:12
  They rely on your generous donations and your dedicated
• 31:16
  volunteer hours to make it happen.
• 31:20
  I encourage you to consider supporting MBR in any way form
• 31:24
  that you can. Use this QR code that's attached
• 31:28
  in the picture. Or you can go to our website at
• 31:32
  MB Radio dot US that's MB Radio dot US to learn more about how
• 31:39
  you can donate or volunteer, even just an hour a week from
• 31:44
  your home. Help make a difference in the
• 31:46
  lives of our veterans. Because once again, we're all
• 31:50
  here for you and not for us. We're giving a veterans a voice.
• 31:58
  Bag of Mike and Ice for $25. Y'all crate.
• 32:03
  I will buy you 25 fucking things.
• 32:06
  Other than that, yeah, there's a move up there.