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Decluttering After Divorce - An Unexpected Gift · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartel, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to speak about one of the unexpected, sometimes unexpected, one of the gifts that divorce or a breakup can bring.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when we divorce, break up a long-term relationship, and we're moving on afterwards, it can be seriously overwhelming.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: There's that never-ending to-do list, so much to think about, organize, do, get done, and so much stuff just to be dealt with.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: But this time can actually bring gifts.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And some of these are unexpectedly pleasant little gifts, little glimmers, little surprises.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the gift of decluttering your space and your life can be one such surprise gift.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: I know I found it to be quite liberating to go through some of the stuff that we shared and to declutter not just the shared stuff, but also my stuff.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I did find it an unexpected surprise gift of my divorce, the decluttering process, I suppose.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it gives you the perfect opportunity to clear out any stuff that no longer serves you, no longer lights you up, or just no longer reflects who you are, where you're headed next.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, this can be physical stuff, but there are also less tangible things in your life that you may want to look at, you may want to or need to declutter.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: So there are some key places to start.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a really easy purge is if it belongs or belonged to your ex, it's gone.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: If it did belong or it does belong to your ex and it's still hanging around, it's gone.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Anything left behind after you've agreed to the division of your property and assets goes.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, of course, give your ex every opportunity to do this for themselves, to come and collect it, but if those last few things have been left behind, box them up, place them out where he or she can safely come and collect them, give a time frame by which this needs to be done, and after this, bin it, opshop it, whatever, get rid of it.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, your ex-partner will take responsibility for it, collect it, deal with it.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: But if not, and there's been sufficient communication and sufficient time elapsed, it's perfectly fine to say, hey, if you can't come and get this by X date, I'm gonna pop it in the bin.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: If they're being that slow about it, perhaps they don't really want it anyway.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: So a discussion around, you know, do you really want this?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna put it in the bin, can be helpful.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing to consider is was this thing shared?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Was it a shared thing between the two of you?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Does it have good memories attached?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe consider keeping it.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Does it cause you pain to look at or to use?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's gone.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Release it.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's a really easy declutter if it hurts.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: If it is something of significant financial value or even significant financial value, don't throw it out straight away.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Put it in a drawer, put it in a box, put it away where you can't see it until such time as you are ready to look at it again, and then you can ask yourself the question: Do I need to get rid of this?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Am I wanting and able to reintegrate it into my life?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Then you can make you can make the decision further down the track.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Again, looking at things of financial value you've collected over the course of your relationship, ask yourself what purpose does each of these things serve in your new solo life?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Does it still or did it ever bring you joy?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Is it something that brings you joy to look at, to use, to have around?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: If the answer to that is an absolute resounding yes, by all means keep it.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Again, if you waver, you're not sure, store it away where you can't see it, you can't use it, pop it away for a period of time while you decide.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you can right now answer clearly no, no, no, to the joy question, then get rid of it, sell it, donate it, gift it to someone, bin it, burn it, whatever.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really, I don't really suggest binning or burning things of value on give it, donate it, give it to an op shop that can sell it and put money that put them that money, I'm sorry, back into um charity or whatever.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Having said that, binning or burning can actually be really cathartic, but do the do the binning and the burning after some time has elapsed.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Don't do it in that first in the first throes of anger, pain, or high emotion.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Binning or burning is great in terms of catharsis.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I advocate writing things down and burning them with my clients all the time, but trashing something that has high financial value, you can't ever get it back.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: So you might be better to sell it, gift it, but if you sell it, then you can use the money to purchase uh a thing or an experience that actually does give you joy.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go step by step through a decluttering process.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let's start in the bedroom.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Bedroom stuff.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you can, if you can afford to, if it's practical, get rid of some of the bedroom stuff.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, if you can get rid of that bed, maybe suggest that your ex-partner takes the old bed with him or her to their new space if you're staying in the home.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely try and get rid of bed linen, just buy yourself something new, something that feels right for your solo life.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Mine, mine is pastel pink washed linen with silver and grey cushions.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Something I would never have bought when I was married, when we lived together.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: So buy something that represents your new start.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, towels too.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, call me crazy, but a bit like the bedding, those towels, I wanted them gone.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted fresh stuff, I wanted a fresh start, and towels to me felt a little bit intimate, and so I wanted them gone.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I just bought some new soft fluffy towels that were just for me.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Jewelry is a big one that comes up.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: The wedding and engagement rings or other significant pieces that represent your relationship, what to do with them.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now you may choose to keep these on give to someone, your daughter, your son, now or in the future, or you may choose to sell it.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: What whatever you whatever you choose, maybe consider buying something new, even if it's for a different finger.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: I asked my kids, and yes, my ex helped them and also paid for it.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: I asked my kids for a ring for the first Christmas after we separated.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and for me, that ring represented my life as a single mum.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: I also bought my necklace myself, I'm sorry, a necklace when the three of us, me and my two kids, were on one of our first holidays together without their dad.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I still wear it.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't expensive, but it represents the three of us.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: A tight little powerful unit.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: I wear it almost every day, and in and I wear it especially on those days when I'm feeling a bit wobbly, a bit vulnerable, and need a lift for my heart or my soul.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, going back to the jewelry that represents your relationship, make a conscious decision about what you do with it.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And yep, that could be throwing it in the ocean, it could be dropping it off at an op shop, or it could be having it remodeled into something that you wear every day and represents a new start for you.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Taking the bedroom declutter one step further, think about anything that you shared in your intimate life together, sex toys, etc.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Anything that you shared with your ex that really doesn't bring you joy to look at or even use, get rid of it, release yourself from it, free your pleasure from being anchored to memories of this past relationship.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Go get some, go get yourself something new.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Solo life, of course, does not have to mean no fun, no sex, no pleasure.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a perfect opportunity if you've never had sex toys in the past, it's perfect opportunity to explore.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to drop a link to an Australian business started for women to find pleasure for themselves in the show notes.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my vibe, it's called Oh My Vibes.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: One option for you to explore.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: But if there are things that are that are linked to your intimate relationship, your sexual partnership with your ex-partner that don't feel great, get rid of them.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that goes for lingerie, all the things, anything that's linked to that intimate partnership that just doesn't feel like who you are anymore, get rid of them.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: It also goes for clothing, you know.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do you or did you sleep in one of his old t-shirts?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and particularly if it still smells of him and it's upsetting to wear it, or it or it activates or triggers you to pull it out from under your pillow, get rid of it.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Go and buy yourself something new, even just a really big, lovely, soft t-shirt to wrap yourself into sleep.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: This can be especially difficult if you did not choose the separation and you still want that, you want that comfort of a night time.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: You want to wrap yourself up in sheets and clothing that smells like your ex-partner.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to do it for a time, and when you're ready, ditch it.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Declutter.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it goes for lingerie that he bought you or that you wore, especially bought to wear, especially for him.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Think about ditching it.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: And also here, when you are thinking about your clothing, ditch anything that's old or shabby or whatever it is that just does not light you up.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know that you know the things we've all got them, and at the very least, go and buy yourself something new.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be expensive and it doesn't have to be fancy, but buy yourself some new underwear, some new lingerie, whatever it is, buy it for you, and when you put it on, wear it for you to reconnect with your inner goddess, your inner sexy, your inner beautiful sensual self, but declutter the old and bring in the new for you.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Something else that I'm often asked about, clients, other people in my community, are photos.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: How far do we go in decluttering our photos after a separation, after a divorce?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I don't think you necessarily have to burn or bin them, but you probably don't want to be looking at that huge poster size print of your wedding day each time you walk into the house or walk into your bedroom.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: So think about shifting some things around.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you've got kids, I think it's important to allow them to have images of their other parent in your house, whether that's in their own bedrooms or whether that's part of general display.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you're one who has photos on display, you know, stuff stuck on the fridge, um, don't necessarily immediately strip their other parent out of all of those photos, if it is appropriate to keep them up.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: There are times, of course, when it's not.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I created a file on my computer a few years after my own separation, and it's called Not All Bad for some of the digital files of our relationship, and and there's a box in the cupboard for actual real print photo prints.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: I just wanted a space where I could acknowledge that our relationship, our marriage was not all bad, that there were fun times, there were lovely times, there were times full of love and light and laughter.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: So there are a group of photos in that file that date back to our early days together as a couple, right up until things got a bit wobbly.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: So the kids are in there too.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a reminder that it was part of our lives that was not all bad.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: So while you need, you may need to declutter some of the photos that are on display around your house, remember you're still a family, and your kids, if you have kids, still have two parents.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a family that looks and feels different.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: So declutter some, but consider keeping a few.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: So allow it to be something that inspires you, something that represents where you're going in terms of your life post-separation, post-divorce.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Allow it to be a source of inspiration and joy, something that represents and reflects your dreams.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: So declutter, strip out the things that don't bring you joy and fill those spaces with things that do.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: On a less tangible kind of level, decluttering after divorce actually gives you a chance to strip out and declutter your relationships, your relationships beyond just your marriage, your primary relationship, the relationship that's dissolving.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you know, your toxic ex-mother-in-law, yep, you don't have to deal with her on Christmas Day or any day really anymore.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: His sister, who you love dearly, it's certainly okay to maintain your connection and friendship with her.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now, friends, some will choose for you, some will declare aside, and some will sadly freeze you out.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: There's a podcast episode on this exact topic.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Some will freeze you out or just not know how to deal with your separation, so they will do the decluttering for you.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Others, though, you may choose to let go of or release yourself from, and this can be one of the beautiful gifts of divorce.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Decluttering your friendships, shifting, changing, growing through a separation and divorce really changes who can really change who you are, what you're looking for in life and friendships.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: It really causes you to re-evaluate a whole lot of stuff, and your friendships and relationships can be one of those.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna say casualties, I don't want to say that.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: It can be one of the outcomes that you get to declutter your friendships.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's a rough ride, divorce, and you do need people on your team who really love, support, and uplift you.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, they can still be friends with your ex-partner too, but if they're not loving and supporting and lifting you up above the crapstorm that divorce can be, maybe it's your opportunity to gently and gracefully let them go.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's a time where you have almost free license to declutter your social media accounts.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Unfriend, unfollow, block, anyone or any account that doesn't make your heart sink, that doesn't bring you know light and love and joy to your life, that doesn't challenge you in really good, healthy ways.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's a time to actively seek out sites and accounts that do really resonate with who you are, what you're experiencing now, and where you're going.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a beautiful opportunity to declutter your social media.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the final component, I suppose, of decluttering that divorce brings that I wanted to touch on is it gives you an opportunity to declutter your mind.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I know if you're in the messy middle of it, if you're in the thick of it, you are overwhelmed, you are stressed, there's a never-ending to-do list, there's always stuff that you need to be dealing with, but it also does give you an opportunity to declutter your mind, to find ways to release yourself from the churning, constant questioning, constant seeking for answers, or the painful thoughts, the sad memories, and the stories that you're telling yourself.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's an opportunity to work on calming your inner critical voice, that inner critic.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, there's another podcast episode on that, so go seeking that one if you haven't already listened to it.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's an opportunity to really work on your mindset, to shift it from a victim or a fight mindset to a freedom and a fly mindset.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's a chance to go inward and choose where you're spending your time, your effort, and your energy, and make that about spending it on you, on decluttering all the crap, all the stories, all the noise, and really focus on you, on updating and prioritizing your relationship with yourself with a free, clear mind.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've worked with me in any capacity, you know I'm an advocate for meditation, for mindfulness, for whatever works for you, for finding ways to calm and declutter what's going on in our brains.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: And just in closing, I wanted to say that divorce, breakup of the long-term relationship with roots that run deep, it's rough, it's hard.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: It can be a bumpy, bumpy ride.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: So stripping out what is not necessary, what no longer serves you, what maybe never did, decluttering your life, freeing yourself from anything that does not bring you joy or offer support or expand your horizons or challenge you in healthy ways, anything that doesn't fit with where you're headed can actually ease that journey.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it super simple, let go of anything that feels like it's weighing you down, be it physical stuff, people, memories, stories, mindset, and allow yourself to move forward, invigorated, released, empowered, and really ready to step into what's coming for you, what's new, what you're creating for yourself.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode has brought up anything that you would like to work through on a deeper level, I would love to support you one-on-one.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's always a link in the show notes to jump on a free call with me to explore how coaching can support you to not only declutter your life during and after divorce, but to choose a new way of being.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you're in the messy middle or out the other side and ready, ready to heal and create something new for yourself.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'd really love to support you.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: So grab that opportunity to discuss it with me one-on-one in a free intro call.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, there's a link in the show notes.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate hanging out with you and all of your messages and support for the podcast is really important to me.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Proclaim and Liberate.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.