Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 202. Is A Wife's "Needs List" Really Longer Than A Husband's "Needs List?"

Transcript

202. Is A Wife's "Needs List" Really Longer Than A Husband's "Needs List?" · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: It's that time of week again for the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: We know you've all been waiting all week for the next episode.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: So here we are, and today's podcast episode is titled Is a Wife's Needs List Really Longer Than a Husband's Needs List?
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: Maybe that should be our question of the day.
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: Do you, Nick, believe that my list is longer than your need list?
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: In our marriage I'm definitely more high maintenance.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: My needs are definitely greater than Amy's needs, no question.
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: Wait, so you're saying this isn't true?
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: I'm saying in our marriage my needs list is probably longer than your needs list.
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: Do you really believe that?
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, really.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess I've never really sat down and compared your list to my list, but I definitely feel like in certain aspects I'm more high maintenance or probably more needy than you.
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'll agree.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: I'll agree with that.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: I mean, I'm the one begging for sex, I'm the one not begging Not begging.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: Let me take that back.
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: He's never begged.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that just came out of my mouth wrong.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: I'm the one desiring sex.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: I'm the one desiring physical touch Nuggets.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: I like to talk.
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: I like to talk more than Amy does.
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you like to hold hands more.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I definitely have some more needs in certain areas than Amy has.
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: So what he's trying to say is even though we're going to talk about this, this is going to be a good conversation, because we don't feel like this is true, but it's definitely what every other husband.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: A lot of other couples felt this way.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: In fact, we did a video right.
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: Yes, so we did a video Some of you who ever's on Instagram probably saw it and it was titled Women's Needs vs the Husband's Needs, or Wife's Needs vs Husband's Needs.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: And I would say in a lot of relationships like a husband's needs are typically very simple, like feed him.
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: Well we're going to go with that.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: And.
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: So and that was the joke I made when we like decided to do this video was just that we hear from so many husbands all the time that his needs doesn't matter.
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: He doesn't need very many things, but his wife has all these emotional needs.
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: He can't ever check them all off because everything has to be perfect in the relationship for sex to happen right Like.
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: I think that's kind of where it came from.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean honestly, like if I'm making love to you often and I'm eating food like I'm a happy dude.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: So I am pretty simple actually.
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: Okay, so we decided to list them out on this video.
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: Well, the reason we're talking about this is because it went viral.
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: We're like 1.2 million right now.
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: I think we got 19,000 likes, and I don't care about that.
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: What I care about is when people start commenting and it's like makes us start thinking.
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: Right, I was like wait, this many men are saying that this list is true.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: It's supposed to be a joke, like because in our marriage it's all the opposite.
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: So it was a joke to us, right?
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: But both men and women are agreeing in the comments.
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: Some of the women are agreeing, but what a lot of the women were saying is that the husband's list is actually the same as the wife's list.
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: It just wasn't all spelled out in details.
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: It was more like combined, and we'll talk about that because I got a really good comment.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so what we wanted to do is basically read through some of the comments and then react to the comments.
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so the video showed.
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: I talked about the did you talk about?
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: Oh, I remember we made a list for the wife's needs and it was like appreciation, time alone, foreplay for you to stay attractive, to make a good living.
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: Date nights, physical touch not too much physical touch to show support, to show affection, have romance set up.
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: Date nights read my mind give kisses, give hugs, blah, blah.
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: Initiate Like no, this is the women's yeah, yeah, and it goes on and on.
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: It goes on and on.
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: Initiate was not on the women's list.
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: I don't think most women well, some women do need their husband.
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: To initiate the man's list.
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: We put husband's needs food, sexual intimacy, appreciation or respect.
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: It was a joke.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: It was a joke, okay women's, but was it because most people are agreeing?
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: I thought it was, but the more I look at the list it's like I think that the husbands need all those things too for you to stay attractive.
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: They still need that right.
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: You still want date nights.
• 5:26
  Speaker 3: You still want affection.
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: You want physical affection.
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: Most husbands love languages from.
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: Our polls said physical affection was number one, right.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: And I think as we dive into this, you will see that some of the responses make a lot of sense.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: I mean, they're really well thought out when they responded and you're like, yeah, that's totally true.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: And, like Amy said, we're doing this for fun.
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: We're not harping on the women or anything like that.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: It's just fun to do these kind of podcasts and hear what other people, in a playful manner, think, because for most men really most men are shaking their head and saying, yeah, you give me food, you feed me and give me sexual intimacy and I'm going to be the happiest man in the world and that really is true.
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: Actually, most of the men said I can cook myself, I don't even need the food.
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: Take that one off the list.
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: Most guys said that.
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: They actually said I want the respect, the appreciation and the sexual intimacy, and I'm a happy dude.
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: If you think about that list, though, hold on.
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: If you think about that list, the sexual intimacy they still want the date nights, they still want the kisses, they still want the hugs.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: A lot of those things are just little bullet points on the women's list.
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: And what we've done is lump those into a bigger topic.
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: The conclusion from this video to me was that spelling it out and making it look like women have more needs.
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: I think, I don't know, maybe we do.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: No, I think for most marriages, women do have more needs.
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: But I want to.
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: I think you should read the one comment first, talking about how women are men, or, like the title, and women are more, and I think this explains it really really well.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: I think it hits right on that.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, women may seem like they have more needs, but I thought that made a lot of sense.
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: Okay, he says men are headline people, women are fine print people.
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: God made us different.
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: Marriage goes so much better when each spouse truly understands the role that God has given them.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: But I think that makes a lot of sense, that's exactly what we did there.
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: We made like fine print for the women and the headline and then we're more like a title heading, correct?
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: Correct yeah, I need this, this and this, and women need this, this, this, this, this, this, this this.
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: But if you were to break down the sexual intimacy that a husband wants?
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: We've already discussed this it's not that he just wants to have sex, he wants the emotional bonding.
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: He wants the connection, he wants the cuddling, he wants you to love it.
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: He wants, he wants a whole package under that one.
• 8:10
  Speaker 3: That would be fine print.
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: So, yeah, I could have put a bunch of bullets under that topic.
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: Correct, that's a good one.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a really good one.
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: That's a really good one, and I love that.
• 8:22
  Speaker 3: He said that God makes us different.
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: Marriage goes so much better when we understand the role God has given them.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: And I.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: You're exactly right and I want to point out the while we are having fun talking about this, the list and things like that.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: On a very serious note, god did make us different and this is why marriage can be so gratifying and so amazing.
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: When it works the way it should is because he did make us different, and that's okay.
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: And regardless of those differences because there are many when we respect those differences and we understand those differences and recognize that those are a good thing, those differences can really make our marriage so much stronger.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: That's the way it should be.
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, we really should.
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: I mean I said this before marriage is like a big, huge test, right?
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: You take two completely opposite beings and then put them together and like tell them good luck not to just survive each other but to thrive together.
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: Right, and that's what it takes.
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: Is understanding that okay?
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: How do we make our complete differences and our complete different needs unite?
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: And that's hard to do.
• 9:33
  Speaker 3: We get that.
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: The next comment I wanted to share I'm just going to start at the beginning.
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: He says how I saw this.
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: Women and men have the same basic needs in a marriage, but women are usually better to able to articulate them, what those needs look like for them.
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: The list for each individual could be equally long when you spell each need out.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, totally agree.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: What I interpret there is that she's saying is like for a man, sex.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: A man just says I need sex, right, right.
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: But under sex is I need to feel desired, I need you to initiate, I need to feel close, I need to feel that vulnerability.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: I needed that trust and that the husband's list can go on and on and on.
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: But everything's encompassed under that one thing sexual intimacy, right, right.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: Where a woman's going to say, well, I need maybe almost flip it.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: Where a woman's going to say I need this, this, this, this and this, which all equals this one thing.
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: And this could be different like switched right, correct?
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: In marriages, because that could be totally opposite for a wife or a husband.
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: Do you think that husbands need to do a better job at expressing their needs as in, in more fine print?
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that would probably solve a lot of problems.
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: Is that a lot of this disconnect is because you're not fine printed and you're a headline.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think for a lot of men they like yeah, like you said, it's just a headline.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: There is not a lot of times fine print and so there's maybe misunderstandings or assumptions made and you know the women are thinking why can't my husband just understand me or what?
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean?
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: Like I don't know.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: I think there's something to be said about that.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: But I'm just wondering if.
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: Why do the women, if husbands did a better job at saying this is why I want to make love to you, not tonight, instead of just grabbing their butt or stuff like that, do you think that women, do you think that would change things in marriages?
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: Because, like what he's saying or whoever wrote, this is saying it could.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: It would be easier to articulate what those needs look like for them, because women are better able oh, just be able to express that.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: Well, I think the answer is yes, because we've had several emails come into us from wives saying your podcasts have transformed our relationship.
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: I never understood that, my husband, that's the way he felt, or I never understood.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: That's why he desires sexual intimacy with me.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: We've had tons of emails like that, and when they understand the real reason that sex just doesn't mean sex, the sex means ABCD and E and all these other things, then the women are like oh, that makes much more sense, I feel appreciated, I feel desired, I feel like it isn't just about sex, right?
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, I think we've heard from a lot of people that have said that exact same thing, and I think that I've gotten a lot of women that have expressed.
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: Well, when he grabs my butt, it just means that he wants something.
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: It's not really romantic anymore.
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: It usually happens because I can tell you want something.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: I get a lot of those women comments.
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: So, husbands, there's nothing wrong with doing that.
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: If your wife likes that, that's great.
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: Maybe try doing it on the other days.
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: So it's constant, so she doesn't feel like it's just a I need something now and do a better job instead of grabbing her butt or trying to do some kind of outside the bedroom foreplay during the day, really expressing why you want to make love to her.
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: I think it really comes down to husbands being a little bit better at being open about what their needs actually mean.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah like you said making a list rather than a headline, getting into the paragraph rather than a headline.
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: Okay, the next one is probably going to catch some heat for this.
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: This is what he said, but a lot of this is very influenced by a woman's monthly cycle.
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: Men's needs are more straightforward because we just have predominantly one hormone keeping us in balance and moving in one direction.
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: I don't know why he would get heat from that, because I totally agree with that.
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: Like we have a more complicated system and we are dealing with PMS and a lot of people in menopause and just our bodies are little more, a lot more.
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: Emotions.
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: Emotions are hormones, are hard to regulate sometimes, and so I like that he pointed that out and I think as women we could step back and be like you know what.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: I sometimes can be a little bit harder, and it's not that I want to be, but sometimes my body is doing things to kind of affect my mood or my brain, you know.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think with husbands can try to be more understanding of that as well.
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: For sure, and we can do better, have better conversations around this too, don't you think?
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: For sure.
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: Like this has to be an open communication topic in marriage when you're going through some health things or woman things you know in your month.
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: The next one says they are the same.
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: Women are on the details.
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: Thus the list seems longer.
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: Men simplify it, so the list seems shorter, kind of what we said.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I totally agree with that.
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: You hear all the time, but I think we as men are really simple, right.
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so if we were to break down the men's list.
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: So the men, most of the men in the comments agreed most of them that some of them said you forgot loyalty.
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: A lot of them actually said that and a lot of them said we don't need the food, we need loyalty instead of food.
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: So what does that mean to a man like?
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: I think just knowing that their wife is going to be there no matter what, and be there to support them, and yeah, it's loyal in every way.
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: Because loyalty to me is like so much more like you think of being faithful.
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: When I think of loyalty, I'm like I go straight to like being faithful but, it's like so much deeper than that right.
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: Like loyalty is like loyalties.
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: I have your back.
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: No matter what I mean, that's going to keep me from supporting you and having your back in every single way.
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: Well, and I also think that's taking care of my needs like loving me enough to be loyal to my needs too.
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: Like right, that's like a depth of a relationship.
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: We all want Appreciation.
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: See, this one goes both ways, and a lot of men's love languages appreciation because they're really hardworking men.
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: But I think men get shown appreciation, most of them through intimacy.
• 16:32
  Speaker 3: Some of them want to be thanked.
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: That's true.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: That's true, but again I think for a lot of men that falls under that category, you know.
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah and respect, Like we've always.
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: We did an entire podcast episode on respect, right.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: We did.
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: Respect is earned.
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: If you want your wife to respect you, be a good, loyal back.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: Loyal back, faithful, good, honest man.
• 16:58
  Speaker 3: Right the next comment.
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: You're gonna like this one Men need reciprocation, plain and simple.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: Women want all their needs met, but that isn't considered needy.
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: But when a man voices his needs, he gets called clingy, needy, etc.
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: God created women so that man would not be alone.
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: Ladies, this is a two-way street.
• 17:25
  Speaker 3: After a man pleases you, you should return the favor.
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: There's too much selfishness in marriage Thoughts.
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think there's a lot of good points to that.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: I think there is a lot of selfishness in marriage, both from husbands and wives.
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's not just a one-way thing, but I understand what he's saying.
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: Sometimes I feel like men in general just want more than anything to please their wife and connect with their wife, and a lot of times women are not as reciprocal, so to speak.
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: Which is really sad.
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: I feel like that's the whole emotional sexual disconnect that we talk about all the time.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you can go back to that our toxic games being played in your marriage, where that kind of goes back into that right, where women sometimes use sexual intimacy to control their husbands or to get what they want in the marriage.
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: So if women want a list of things done in the marriage before they're willing to be intimate, right, so you can take either side right.
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: We had so many husbands agreeing with that list, like, yes, my wife needs all these things and I literally don't need anything, but I still don't get my needs met and I'm not siding with any side because obviously there's a disconnect somewhere in the relationship for them to say that.
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: What we're doing is this is not Nick and Amy's, necessarily just our opinion.
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: What we like to do, especially if something's controversial, is say why do we think this way or why is our opinion this way, and what do other people think?
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: And this is a great example.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: Like as we're doing this podcast, you read every single response and pretty much every single response is yeah, I feel this way.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: And so if that's how men feel in general, how can couples make it so that that's not how men feel in general?
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: Right, Like it's not a knock or it's not.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: We're not sitting here trying to point the finger.
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: What we're saying is why do so many people feel this way, and understand the why they feel that way, and then how can that be corrected or fixed?
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah, because if a husband is willing to do a bunch of stuff to emotionally connect with you and he's just a great husband, his list should be as important whether it's longer or shorter, it's still equally important, right.
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: And you should be grateful.
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: Yes, short list Like really right Like oh, he just needs these couple things.
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm so grateful you have a short list.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: Oh, you're welcome.
• 20:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know, I just love the.
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: He said God created women so that man will not be alone.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: Ladies, it's a two way street.
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: After a man pleases you, you have to return the favor.
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: I think that there is and I'm not saying all women, I'm a woman, I'm not going to say all women I think there is a lot of women that expect, expect.
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: Expect my needs, my needs, my needs, I'm the woman in the relationship and then totally deny knowing that he has needs that absolutely aren't.
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: I think women think of men's needs as men's wants.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah for sure.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: Like oh, sex isn't really a need, it's just a want.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: And because I don't desire it.
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: therefore, it's not a need.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: I don't need to do.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not a need.
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: So the problem Once again is if it's important to your spouse, it should be important to you.
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, really it's that simple.
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: Right, Nick's shaking his head because he's like oh people, complicate marriages that you're thinking.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: Just how well we all do Like.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it really is just that simple right Like.
• 21:20
  Speaker 3: Oh, I got hammered when I said marriage shouldn't be as hard as we make it.
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: And people are like you have no idea.
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: I was like, well, if you literally gave your spouse as much as they gave you not scorekeeping, but like if you generally genuinely tried to take care of their needs as much as they try to take care of your needs.
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: I think what you're trying to say is if you and your relationship were equally focused on giving rather than what you were receiving.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: That would solve so many issues.
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: It would solve a lot of issues, right?
• 21:53
  Speaker 3: What's another quote or comment?
• 22:00
  Speaker 3: What's funny is women generally need emotional connections before being sexual, but men sometimes need sexual touch to feel emotionally connected.
• 22:13
  Speaker 3: No, question.
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: I have a lot to say on this one.
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry, but men, you're going to lose on this one.
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: Emotional connection has to come first.
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: You're shaking your head.
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, yeah, I mean I.
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: I mean there has to be a win on this one.
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: And I'm siding with the wives, Like if she's not feeling emotionally connected to you, you don't deserve.
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: I don't want to say deserve, but you've got to step it up and make sure.
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: I mean, it's not that hard to make a woman feel emotionally connected.
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: You make her feel safe.
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: You make her feel secure.
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: You talk to her, you make her feel loved.
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: It doesn't mean I'm not talking about romancing her and being like the most amazing.
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: I'm talking about basic human needs in a marriage that you committed to making that emotional connection strong, like that should be natural before you ever expect to be intimate.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: Now I'm going to give the man's point of view for a lot of men, A lot of men out there are saying well, I provide her the emotional connection and there's still no interest in being intimate.
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: That's not what he's saying here.
• 23:24
  Speaker 3: He's saying men sometimes need sexual touch first to feel emotionally connected.
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: Correct that can't come first.
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: That's all I'm saying, correct?
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: A woman is not going to go climb in bed with you if she doesn't feel loved, safe and secure in your arms.
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: What I'm saying to those a lot of women aren't going to climb in bed with their husbands, even if they are emotionally connected.
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: Oh yeah, that's a whole different topic, for sure, but this one has to come first.
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: Emotional intimacy has to come first For sure, correct yeah.
• 23:54
  Speaker 3: He's saying that men need to feel sexual touch, to feel emotionally connected.
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: You men have to sometimes give in this.
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: Well, all the time, give in this area, because Nick would never expect me to be initiating or even wanting to make love to him if we weren't, if I wasn't feeling safe, respected and loved to begin with.
• 24:13
  Speaker 3: Like I'm sorry, the women win on this one.
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: That always has to be first.
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: For sure, but it doesn't have to be over the top.
• 24:19
  Speaker 3: If your woman is like I need to be romanced and I need this and I need this, and her list really is unhealthy expectations like unhealthy, then I get there's a problem.
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: But emotionally connected should be natural things.
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: It should be texting your wife during the day saying I love you, give me a kiss when you say goodbye, being 100% faithful, talking to him with respect.
• 24:44
  Speaker 3: Those things shouldn't be hard.
• 24:47
  Speaker 3: It's not too much to ask for, yeah.
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: Right, yeah, I totally agree.
• 24:51
  Speaker 3: Okay, so that's all the comments I'm sharing.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: No, those are great comments.
• 24:57
  Speaker 3: I mean a lot out of the other 300, they were agreeing with the list and some of them were finding it funny and some of them weren't.
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: So I think a lot of people were triggered by this and some people just laughed it off.
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: This is the funny.
• 25:11
  Speaker 3: The sad thing is is it's not really funny if your needs are actually getting neglected.
• 25:17
  Speaker 3: That's not funny at all.
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: And so some people were like super unfair, super tired of it, super feeling, tired of feeling lonely in my marriage, like my needs don't matter, like that's not okay.
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: Well, and I think, going back to talking about like the title and then the paragraph, getting into the details, women are a lot more detail oriented and the whiz men are a lot less detail oriented, and so that makes a lot of sense.
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: So I would say in this episode, yes, the women's list is longer, but it's not necessarily or it's not really because the list is longer.
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: It just looks longer on paper because they are expressing things in a paragraph type way where men are expressing things in a title.
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: Get to the point summary.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: You know, just the title says it all right, like kind of like we talked about.
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: So really, I really feel like men's and women's maybe the list on paper looks different, but at the end of the day you take it off paper and men's and women's needs are very pretty similar, so to speak.
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: They're just it's expressed in different ways.
• 26:25
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, because if you were to ask me at the end of this video podcast, whatever conclusion, I would say that it depends on the marriage, obviously, but going off our marriage, we absolutely probably have equal needs.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: They're just different, absolutely probably.
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: So is it absolutely or probably I?
• 26:49
  Speaker 3: changed from absolutely to probably.
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: We absolutely probably have, because.
• 26:54
  Speaker 3: I can't really say absolutely, because I just got done saying you're needier but I'm like maybe I'm not needier because you're already fulfilling those needs, so I can't really calculate that.
• 27:05
  Speaker 3: Does that make sense?
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's deep, baby, that's deep.
• 27:07
  Speaker 3: That is deep.
• 27:08
  Speaker 3: If you're already taking care of the needs that I have and I don't have to ask for them, they might not be in need of mine because I'm already getting fulfilled.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: That is, that's true.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: That is deep.
• 27:18
  Speaker 3: And that's where I come to with love languages, because, like I always say, I feel like you change love languages depending on what you're not getting.
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: So Nick is like all over me all the time.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: I don't, I don't think Look at you, how can I not be all over you?
• 27:34
  Speaker 3: I don't think that I need physical touch, but it might be because I'm already getting that.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: That is true.
• 27:40
  Speaker 3: And I don't.
• 27:41
  Speaker 3: I'm like.
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: You can stop complimenting, babe.
• 27:44
  Speaker 3: I don't need words of affirmation.
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm fine, like I really feel fine about myself.
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: You don't need to compliment me all the time.
• 27:50
  Speaker 3: But maybe it's because he does that so often that it's not in need of mine.
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: So we do a test.
• 27:57
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: So do we do a test for a week and see what happens?
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: If you cut everything off, cut everything off.
• 28:03
  Speaker 3: Then I'm going to become the needy one.
• 28:05
  Speaker 3: But see, with this conclusion you can see how some marriages will be totally opposite, or some marriages where he's expressing all his needs, he might be getting his needs fulfilled, or maybe she's already fulfilling his needs really well, and so it doesn't seem like his list is very long.
• 28:26
  Speaker 3: But, her needs aren't getting fulfilled at all, so her list becomes longer.
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: So what you're saying is, your list is probably based upon what needs you feel aren't being fulfilled.
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: That's what I think, because if your needs are being fulfilled, you're not going to put that on your list.
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: I'm certainly not going to put things on my list if the needs are being fulfilled, right.
• 28:47
  Speaker 3: Yep, which is why certain people call you super husband, because you already fulfill my needs on my list my list is like two things.
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: So yeah.
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: Just kidding.
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: What do you think of our conclusion?
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: I, yeah, I think.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: Like I said, yeah, I think, I don't know, I'm speechless.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: How do we?
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: solve the problem, we have to have a solution at the end of the problem.
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: Right that we came up with a conclusion of why the list might be different.
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think the solution is to recognize that maybe, maybe a wife's long list can be put into a title and be summarized very shortly, and a husband's title could be put into a list, or vice versa, I think.
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: Again, getting back to it, I'm sure that our our lists, at the end of the day, are probably pretty.
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: If we were to put them on paper, we're probably be pretty long as well.
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: It's just how we express ourselves.
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: Men are very just, direct to the point, and women are more detailed.
• 29:52
  Speaker 3: So well, you brought up a good point, because a lot of men don't communicate their needs like women women really like I need this, or why aren't you more romantic, or why haven't you bought me flowers, or I need to touch me outside the bedroom, or can you do this better?
• 30:09
  Speaker 3: Like, and men tend, if I'm correctly, to hold things in a little more.
• 30:14
  Speaker 3: Not you, but like that rich man.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, right, that's what we're told at least my husband doesn't open to me.
• 30:20
  Speaker 3: He doesn't share his needs.
• 30:21
  Speaker 3: He's a little more closed off.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: Maybe that's part of the problem because men are taught to not express their needs.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: Men are taught to hold things in.
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: Men are taught to not share their emotions or their fears, and maybe that summarizes the whole entire podcast as to why a men's list is a lot shorter than a woman's list is because men are taught not to express their needs.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: Don't express your fears, just keep things in.
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: Handle it like a man.
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: Don't let your wife know that you're doing with these things make her think you're strong exactly, exactly which isn't okay, which isn't okay for both people.
• 31:03
  Speaker 3: A wife needs to know that he could be.
• 31:05
  Speaker 3: She needs to respect the fact that he could be a human being and have emotional needs right exactly like you're not expected to be strong and powerful all the time like you're just a human being.
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: We covered a lot of things in this podcast.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: My head is spinning so yeah, because I'm a simple man and a lot just got thrown at me a lot of paragraphs stuff you are so simple.
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: I think, though, if if you have a struggle with this in your marriage, I really think that if you sat down and, like, took it to like first grade level and said let's make a list and listed out all your needs, and then had this discussion like, oh yeah, maybe I don't need these things because you're giving me those and you're not giving me these, but I could really use these needs, whether it's love, language or something totally different.
• 31:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I bet if you listed these out, the things that you're receiving and needing, I bet your lists would be pretty dang similar.
• 32:05
  Speaker 3: I agree.
• 32:07
  Speaker 3: I think we're a lot more like than we we think we are.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: I totally agree yep so yeah, we hope you enjoyed the podcast.
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: Go check out all the great products we have in shopultimateentimacycom.
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: We got free shipping in the United States.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: We have awesome products to help your marriage, so check it out shopultimateentimacycom.
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: Let us know if you have any questions and, as always, we appreciate listening to the podcast.
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: Please feel free to leave us a review if you feel comfortable doing so.
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: We would love that.
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: That's what keeps us going yes, and we would love for you to jump on Instagram and take our pulse right.
• 32:44
  Speaker 3: That's right.
• 32:45
  Speaker 3: Really appreciate that at ultimate intimacy.
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, did I get that right?
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: Yep, perfect, all right.
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: So until next time, we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.