Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep18: Unleashed/ Best Jokes and Laughs 🤣

Transcript

S1 Ep18: Unleashed/ Best Jokes and Laughs 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I used to I used to apply for jobs a lot.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: They wouldn't give me a job.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Everywhere I go, I go to I go to uh I go to McDonald's.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, we're gonna hire managers and assistant managers.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I go to Southwest Airlines.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you gotta be certified to fly a plane.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Shut up.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I went, I went to the uh Florida mall to apply to be a security guard, which I thought it'd be super easy, because have y'all seen mall security?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: They're not real security.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like they're professional titletellers, you know what I mean?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like they got plastic handcuffs.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: As long as you bring scissors when you steal something, you're free, right?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I just assumed they was gonna give me the job.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, when do I start?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: They'd like, oh, in order to see the work here, you gotta take a 40-hour class, right?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Take the 40-hour class, and you don't take the class, they're gonna give you a test, right?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Take a test, and then you have the test, you don't give a dick again.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: You come back there, didn't again, and then it was so annoying, right?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I really need the job.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I took the 40-hour class, took me three weeks for some reason.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And when I came back, I was like, hey y'all, guess who's certified to be a security guard?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, sorry, but we just hired another candidate for the job.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, all right, well, I'm about to blow up this mall.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because it just took me three weeks to do this class, and you ain't gonna hire me.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Is that what you're saying?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, sorry, but if we have an opening, we'll let you know.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you need let me know.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't need this stupid job.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't say that out loud because I need that stupid job.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, yeah, whenever you get a chance, let me know.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was walking out and I was calming down.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, whoosar, I preach, you'll be fine.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: There's plenty of jobs out there.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need this job.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was calming down, and then I didn't until I seen the guy, they hired instead of me.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Then I flipped out because the guy they hired instead of me had no arms.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that some of y'all heard me, right?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: So the guy they hired instead of me had no arms, y'all.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was so mad I wanted to steal something just because I know he can't do anything.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: If I stole something, what could a normal security guard do?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Did you pay for them back embryos?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you didn't pay.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you something, boy.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: You had the right to remain silent.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Anything that you can we'll be used against you in the food court of the mall.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Get these plastic cuffs out the back of my pockets and arrest yourself.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Get these cuffs out of the back of my pocket and arrest these people.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was just tripping.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Whoa, did you trip me?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: As soon as somebody rolled me over, it is going down.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: You the must out.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And he be like, he'd be like, put your hands by your back.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, you first.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I know I'm going to hell for that.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I already know, okay?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I just didn't want to go alone.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for laughing.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're a part of it now.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: We're all going on the holy land route.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I need a cigarette.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't smoke cigarettes, but I should I never I want to start right now.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna start.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I just feel like it's a cool thing to say.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why people smoke cigarettes anymore.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like back in the day, you know, back in the day, they prescribed.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been doing it for a long time, I'm not talking about you, but if you're new to cigarettes, you're just a dumb person.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because like there's there's so many better options.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't weed legal here?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Almost?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, smoke cigarettes.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: My bad.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was legal.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was on a show called America's Got Talent.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was on there.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: You seen it?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was on Champions.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was on a uh season 12.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's why who seen me on season 12 though?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Who seen me on the season?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Look at me.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Look at me.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Twinnaquist, y'all.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't open her mouth the whole time.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: You will never know what it feels like to lose one million dollars to somebody that still has chores.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: You'll never know that feeling.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: She believes in cooties.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: She got money now.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: People ask me still, they still you still talk to Darcy?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Bruh, she's 14 now.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm not talking.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: What am I gonna tell?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, Darcy.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: How was school?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not talking to.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a grown man.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And she beat me, so I hate her.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Why would I communicate?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Someone I hate, man.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Don't hate Darcy.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: She's an angel.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: She is.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: So is the devil.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And listen, this is my thing.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even care that I I didn't lose for real.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, I don't think you can, I don't think you can lose on that show.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that I did not lose.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all know who I am.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: So that's cool right there.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's great.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, man.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Did win.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I won because y'all know me.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was homeless two and a half years ago.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Far from that now.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I got money now.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: I got way more friends and family members than I remember.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I got on the show, Tyra Banks licked my face.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: I think I'm doing okay.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I still have a shower on this side, and I never really.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: She licked my face, y'all.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I licked her hand first, right?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: She was interviewing me.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I can't believe it's you, Tyra Banks.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, Yeah, it's me.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And she puts her hand out.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, You can pinch my hand to see if I'm real.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Matter of fact, you can kiss it.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, kiss it.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't know when I'm gonna get this opportunity again.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, this is my chance.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: She started laughing.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, thank you, Jesus.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to jail.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: You laugh, that's consent.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so before I went on stage, right?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: She was interviewing me.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, she was interviewing me.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, you ready to do this?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm ready to do this.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, go get him, Tiger.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Alive.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, huh.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Funny you call me a tiger because I'm feeling great.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like a serial.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was walking on stage.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, you know that the judges they started to ask you all these random questions, like, hey, preacher, what's your favorite color?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: You got you got a girlfriend?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And at the time, I had a girlfriend.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, yeah, man, she's cool.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: I do my performance.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I get off stage, Tyra Banks waiting for me.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: She's mad, right?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, Why would you let me lick your face on national television, preacher?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And you got a girlfriend.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I replied, I'll let you lick my face, Tyra, because you're Tyra.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Why would I not let Tyra Banks lick my face?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: If my girl had a chance for Drake to lick her face and she turned it down, I'm dumping her because I don't want to date anybody that's stupid.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: If I had a chance for Drake to lick my face, I am dressing up like an ice cream cove.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: You don't understand.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: He's about to get all this.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: That sounds weird.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: But y'all get what I'm saying, right?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like there's certain opportunities you don't just want to pass up, you know what I mean?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: So but uh, yeah, man, I love that show.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: I love it, man.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: I love being recognized.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: First time I ever got recognized, three years ago.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Walking the Walgreens, it was like five people, they were like, yo, preacher, what's up, man?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: How you doing?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: When you clock in, because I work there, but listen, not much longer.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's going great.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I went to Walmart one time, I got recognized.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: It was so cool, man.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: There was a kid in line, and he recognized me.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was getting cash back.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: All I need was cash back.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Oh my gosh, you preach a lawson?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Yeah, that's me.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Yeah, you that guy who lost to Darcy.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I'm like, you could have stopped the head of that.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't have to add that last part, but yeah, that's me.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he's like, Can I get a picture?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, for sure you can get a picture, man.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Took a picture with him, he was so hyped.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, Thanks so much, Mr.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Sir.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't even need anything.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I just need cash back.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, why not get him something?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, hey man, you want some like candy or something?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Yeah, because he's like, I'm a kid.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, of course, kids, no kid is actually, oh actually, I'm doing keto right now when I can't do a number of sugar.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you're not gonna do that, right?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, You want some candy?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, Yeah, I want some candy.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Then I asked the mom for permission to buy him candy, because you can't just go to a kid, hey little buddy, how you doing?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: You want some candy?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Come up, buddy! You know, it's just weird.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't want to hurt nobody.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, hey mom, is it okay if I get your son some candy?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: She gave me an attitude.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, is it before seven?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what is he, a gremlin?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what that means.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Can he have some candy or not?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, he can have some candy.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, all right, but she said some, she meant one.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can have one piece of candy, bro.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Thank you so much.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: So he takes her Snickers and he puts on the conveyor belt.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I turn around because I'm about to pay for it, right?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling good about myself.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, you know, I'm about to hook this kid up with some candy.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like a good person right now.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then I hear a light thud, right?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Well, what was that?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I turn back around, guess what I see?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Two Snickers on the conveyor belt.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, you know, hey little stupid kid.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I just told you, you can have one piece of candy, you put two on there.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, no, I didn't.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, who did then, huh?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Was it the snicker monster?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: It was you, man.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Quit playing with me.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: What is wrong with kids stealing these days, huh?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: First, they take a million dollars.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to take a stickers from me.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I said, put it back.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, it wasn't me.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Then the mom was like, calm down.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't him, it was me.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, my bad.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Then pick it up.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna pick that up real quick, and then she goes, I thought you said you were gonna pay for it.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I agree to pay for one.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: She like, that's just two.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you know what two is?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: No one.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so you, that's you right there, you know?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Then she like, just do it.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, just do nothing.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't owe you any candy, right?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Then she tries to seduce me after she was already rude to me, right?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: She tries to do, she was like, hey, well, you know, well, maybe if you buy the candy, maybe I'll give you my number.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, what do you mean by maybe though?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, she was like, she's like, I'll think about it.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, if I'm being totally honest, right, you ain't even two snickers fine, okay?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I love I love traveling doing comedy.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's so cool.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's a lot of fun.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Get to be in Chicago, you know what I mean?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Bipolar weather.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: I got to be in Phoenix.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Phoenix is too hot for life.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Have y'all been to Phoenix?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Why is it that hot?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: If I lived in Phoenix, I would try to go to hell just to cool off.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's how hot.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Man, I went there, I was so arrogant.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I don't care how hot it is, I don't even get some burns.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then Phoenix was like, challenge accepted.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: It is so hot.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was a white three weeks ago.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: You understand?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, why do I keep getting pulled over?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's so weird now.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so it's not happening.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, I did a show in St.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Augustine, Florida.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: That was cool, man.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: St.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Augustine, Florida is the oldest city in America.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people don't know that for some reason.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's the oldest city in America.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Another fun fact about St.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Augustine is the people that first lived there still do.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: So many old people.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's like heaven's waiting room.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, everyone there is old.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, man.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's also where they grow white people.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: There's no black people there at all.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: We're like unicorns.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: My shadow ain't even black in St.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Augustine, Florida.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's three black people there.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's not even true, there's two, because I left.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: There's two black people, and they are ancient.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like when I was performing there, there was one black lady in the front row.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: She was super old, looked like the last survivor of Harriet Tubman's Underground Railroad, right?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And she didn't even laugh at me.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: She's just looking at me mad the whole time.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why are you mad, ma'am?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: You should be happy and you're free now.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can laugh at white people, I can say that, okay?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: My best friend, black.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm good.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: I got a black custom, so.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Just saying she was old, she was like 90, she had braces on.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, for what?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, a little too late now.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, who you trying to look sexy for?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's who you about to meet, okay?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, who with braces on fake teeth?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all think it's weird that someone just ordered dentures with gaps in it or something?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's weird.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Just saying she was old.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if she was like 90 for real.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like guessing women's ages because I'm a genius.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not stupid.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's a trap, ain't it?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, yeah.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: You don't guess women's age, especially someone younger, they flip out.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: You could be closer to the age, they still flip out.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Were you like, we like 25 or something?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: 25?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Are you serious?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Did I really look at it?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, 25 and 24.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Shut up.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: That was close enough.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Older women, as long as you're within the same century, they're fine.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, they don't even care anymore.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: You be like after the moon landing, you start your channel, man.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: So now way out of you.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: And dudes, we try to act like we don't care, right?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: But we care.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: I know I care.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: I know I'm getting older, right?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: I know I'm getting older.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because when I was younger, people used to tell me all the time, don't worry about a preacher.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: You got your whole life ahead of you.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know what they tell me now?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: You still got time.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they tell me.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: I guess this one dude's age.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is how I know any men care about your ages being guests, because I went to the bathroom, and I guess this dude's, okay, well, let me explain that.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just not kicking down doors.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: How old are you?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not doing that, right?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was what happened was I went to use the restroom because I drank a coffee that, you know, earlier that day.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if y'all drink coffee, but I don't normally drink coffee.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And when I do, I feel great.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, man, I'm so energized, and I feel alert, and I just, why don't I drink more coffee?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then my booty's like, this is why.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then snuck up on me.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I went to the bathroom, I was like, you know what I mean?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: You ever do like you got a sauce on your way?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I gotta go to the bathroom, right?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: I went to the bathroom and it was weird because I went to the, you ever go to a public restroom and you knock on the stall to see if someone's in there, right?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: I knocked on the stall of the guy inside.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: So this open.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what they expect me to do.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Scoot on over, like it was weird.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I went to the next stall, right?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I went to the next.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: You ever go to like use the bathroom and you think you only gotta pee, and then you get there, your body's like, nah, son, we got more work to do.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I destroyed that bathroom.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't breathe for 11 seconds.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: I lost brain cells.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, why is my arm in the toilet?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: It was so big.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, so when I got there, it was an automatic toilet, right?
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: I hate automatic toilets.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: I hate automatic anything.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: I hate automatic toilets, I hate automatic lights.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Why do y'all have automatic lights in the bathroom?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: That don't make any sense.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be in the bathroom getting your groove on and the lights just shut off.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, oh snap!
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: I can't stay.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're up there throwing toilet paper to get the sensor to go off.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's so annoying.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: And this stupid automatic toilet, people like them.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, they flush automatically, oh cool.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know when, okay?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a rush roulette for your booty.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like that.