Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / Ep. 25 – Gaslighting

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Ep. 25 – Gaslighting · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Rise Up.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Live Joy Your Way with Comedy Wood.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to step into your power.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: There and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: I am Comedy Wood, and for those of you who are unfamiliar with who I am or what I do, first and foremost, I'm a mother of five, and I am also a certified life coach that works with individuals on healing that relationship with themselves and ending the outsourcing of their self-worth so that my clients can go on to have healthier relationships with others and live their life the way they want to and to find success and happiness for themselves.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's about letting go of the idea that we have to be carbon copies of each other, but that living our life from an authentic place, living our life, recognizing the unique being that we are, is where the gold and the value is.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: So today I wanted to tackle a slightly heavier subject matter.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's something that has been coming up in conversation with several of my clients as of late when we're talking about toxic relationships.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: And that is that of gaslighting.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: So for those of you who are unfamiliar with this term, gaslighting is a term that is described as a form of emotional and mental abuse that causes the person on the receiving end to start doubting herself or himself and questioning their own reality.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: They start to lose a sense of their own identity and their own self-worth.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: And what ends up happening is they start um normalizing the the self-doubt as though it's um that things are really just because of them or how they see it.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Truthfully, brainwash uh gaslighting is a form of brainwashing.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's most commonly used uh in in some leaders who are of the dictator mentality, but in terms of relationships, it is a manipulative strategy that people use in their personal relationships and in social relationships.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Oftentimes, those who use gaslighting as a term of manipulation are narcissist are are of the narcissistic personality type, or they do they do tend to be emotional abusers of of one type or another.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um the individuals who use gaslighting do this in a way so that they can reclaim control or gain control or power over the other person, and the person uh on the receiving end of it just over time continues to become more and more uncertain of who they are or their own beliefs, and essentially what ends up happening is uh they start to develop a codependent relationship with the uh manipulator or with the person who uh uses gaslighting as this manipulative technique.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, anybody can become a victim of gaslighting, it happens in many relationships, it doesn't just have to be romantic relationships, it can happen in familiar relationships, it can happen in the workplace.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: There are often times where we are working with um either a colleague or a superior at work and they it's a toxic dynamic and they use gaslighting to get us to do um what they would like us to do in terms of the in terms of workplace um tasks or whatnot.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: What happens is many people in these toxic relationships who end up getting gaslit um don't realize that they're in the cycle, right?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: It becomes a cycle with with the um person who gaslits the other.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: So in terms of relationships, on the surface level, it may seem as though everything is fine, you're you're being very valued and loved on, and then what happens is the other person um starts to feel um threatened, or somehow they start to feel as though they're losing a bit of control over the other person in the relationship, and so because they have this need to be in control of their partner, they start to use gaslighting as a mechanism to take over and to gain that control.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Likewise, in as I mentioned, in the workplace, sometimes if you are with, for instance, um you're not it's not even a superior, it's a colleague, you know, colleague-to-colleague relationship, but one person wants to gain control over the other, they could use this term type of manipulation of gaslighting.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: In terms of familiar relationships, sometimes as uh children age and they become adults, they end up in these toxic dynamics with their parents, and their parent will use a form of gaslighting to regain that control because they're used to having the parent-child dynamic, for instance, where the child is dependent upon the parent as that child has aged and become an adult, suddenly the parent wants to regain that control, and so they say things and they gaslight the adult child in order to try to set the relationship back to how it used to be.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: How do we recognize gaslighting?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, gaslighting can be extraordinarily destructive and can absolutely detrimentally affect your emotional and mental health as well as take a toll in your physical well-being.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: As I've talked about many times over, both the physical and the emotional are intertwined.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you are not paying attention to your emotional health, your physical being will take a toll.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: And likewise, if you don't pay attention to your physical health, eventually your emotional health will end up taking a toll as well.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: So if you are the one who is always apologizing, or if you regularly are finding that you're making excuses for your partner's behavior, or you are feeling confused, or you're feeling as though you constantly are questioning yourself, like for instance, am I being overly sensitive?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you keep asking yourself, am I actually quote unquote good enough?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: You might, those might be red flags that there is a toxic dynamic happening here, you know, and again, this can happen not just in romantic relationships, it can happen in friendships, workplace, and uh familial relationships.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: So it's important to pay attention to those inner conversations we're having.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about some red flags of gaslighting.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, number one, lies and denials.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: A gaslighter will tell you obvious lies and then deny ever saying it.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: So they usually set up this pattern in the relationship by lying to you and until you begin questioning everything, including your own sanity.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: So what happens is they lie and they tell you lie after lie, and then when you try to uh um approach them and and talk to them about it, they'll deny that they ever said it to you.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so what ends up happening is this becomes a cycle where you start questioning yourself, as in, did I imagine that?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Did I make that up?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: And that could be a red flag that that's a form of gaslighting.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um the other red flag, which is really big, is confusion.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: This is when, for instance, in a partnership, the partner may create this constant confusion where you start to doubt everything.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: For example, they may say things and then later, again, later deny saying them.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: So this um this creates confusion in your own mind.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Did that actually happen?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: The other thing that might happen is they might hide objects from you and then deny that they actually hid the object.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Uh basically, what happens in this dynamic or in this uh form of gaslighting, it's again the the um they're causing the state of confusion within you, so you start questioning yourself.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: But in this situation, they're trying to increase their power over you because what will happen is because you're confused, it will force you to rely on them.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's just another red flag that gaslighting might be taking place.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: A third red flag is projecting.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: This is when you constantly feel the need to defend yourself or apologize for things that you may not have even said or done.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: And it's because your partner or whoever is the other person in the relationship of which we're if this is happening, accuses you of things such as being a liar or a cheater, which could be things that they're actually doing.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: So if it's a workplace example, they might be accusing you of doing nefarious acts in the workplace when in fact they might be the ones doing them.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: And they also tend to twist and reframe what was said or done so that they look positive in the positive favor, and you start again looking like you're not quite sane, or that you are the one who's confused in the situation.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Another red flag of gaslighting is discrediting you.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: So, what this means is a gaslighter will do everything they can to discredit you by making other people think that you are crazy, you are uh irrational, unstable, overly sensitive.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's a big one that happens in these dynamics is there the person who's being emotionally abused by the gaslighting is called overly sensitive.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: And what this is is that they're trying to discredit you in the eyes of other people.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: And uh they'll often tell you things like, Do you know that all of our friends are talking about you?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: They think you are acting crazy.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's a form of gaslighting, that's a form of trying to put the victim on the defensive and to feel as though how they're showing up and their inner thoughts, that those are not valid.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then a fifth uh red flag to be on the lookout for when you're when you're questioning whether gaslighting might be happening is when the other person constantly minimizes your feelings in order to gain power over you.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: So you'll often hear them say things as that's really not a big deal, you're overreacting.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Again, we go back to the concept of you're overly sensitive.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: The other common one that's said is I was just joking.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: So they'll say something, and then that's somewhat mean or off-putting, and then they'll just simply say, Oh, I was just joking.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: And they'll also say things like, Don't tell me you're gonna feel sorry for yourself now.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: So those are just common things that you might hear when somebody is actually gaslighting you.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: This form of gaslighting it can create a vicious cycle.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: So what happens in a gaslighting cycle is you know you're you're in the good graces with the person, and then they need to create power over you, or somehow they feel as though they're not in the most in charge, and so they they turn a conversation or turn somehow they turn the conversation against you, whereby you start feeling as though you have to doubt yourself or to question your intentions in the situation.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's how you know you're being gaslit.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not a very easy cycle to break yourself out of because when you are in these toxic dynamics, each and every time that the gaslighting happens and you start questioning yourself, and it becomes more and more normal for you to always wonder if if it's you or if it's you who's being overly sensitive or you're being overly dramatic.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: What happens each and every time your emotional state endures this is your your self-esteem is consistently taking a hit.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: Your sense of mental clarity is consistently taking a hit.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so when that happens, each and every hit that occurs, it makes you feel less and less than, right?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: So that whole false center of I'm not good enough or there's something wrong with me gets stronger and stronger.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's really important that people, when they think that they are in such a dynamic, they reach out for support from people who could help them, or at least start talking about what's happening with people that they trust.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't have somebody in your inner circle, reach out to somebody like a therapist or a coach who's used to dealing with these dynamics and dealing with individuals who are trying to heal from the relationships that have been toxic or where you have they have uh experience dealing with clients who've been victims of gaslighting and of those toxic relationships.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: My biggest advice if you feel as though you're being gaslit though, is to really start to seek out support.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because the truth of the matter is it's a cycle, and we know that unless we're willing to make steps to get off of that merry-go-round, it's gonna keep happening.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna keep going around and around until you're ready to step off.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: And awareness is that doorway to change.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: I say it all the time.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Awareness is the doorway to change, and then it's up to each and every individual to step through that doorway.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: If you would like support from me, I am here.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: Feel free to book a time with me by going to chatwithcomedy.com, or if you'd like more information about me, or I have various blog articles on my website at comedywood.com with information on gaslighting, on toxic relationships with women, many, as well as many other topics.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely visit comedywood.com.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, I am Comedy Wood.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening to Rise Up.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Always remember your uniqueness and the gift that you bring to this world.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Life happens for you, not to you.