Latest / Not Right Now / Don't Make It Somebody Else's Problem

Transcript

Don't Make It Somebody Else's Problem · Not Right Now

• 0:00
  [upbeat music] Hey, I have three kids. They eat so much. We try to eat real food. We try to cook when we can.
• 0:10
  We try not to waste too much because it drives me nuts and it's expensive, and also for obvious climate reasons, which is why the Mill Food Recycler changed our lives a couple years ago.
• 0:23
  It is an odorless, effortless, and fully automated food recycler. Look, we've had this thing front and center in our kitchen for, again, a couple years now it feels like, and it is just such a game changer.
• 0:37
  Way less waste, less smell, way less garbage, which by the way saves you money. No leaky bags.
• 0:44
  Look, you got peels, bones, stalks, whatever leftovers, dump them in the Mill, and Mill dries and grinds them while you sleep. Again, it doesn't smell, which I don't understand. It's sleek. It's actually sexy.
• 1:00
  Here's a question people ask. How often do you empty it? Good question. It's every three weeks. I don't know, maybe, and there's a bunch of us.
• 1:07
  Plus, there's a little app where you can control it if you want and set a schedule, and it shows you how much food your family keeps out of landfills. A delight.
• 1:15
  Look, you can get seventy-five dollars off right now when you go to our special partner site. I'm gonna read you the link, but you should know it's also in the show notes and you can just click it.
• 1:26
  It is mill.com/lp/important-not-important. That is mill.com/lp/important-not-important. I couldn't remember that, so we put it in the show notes.
• 1:44
  It's right there for you. Check it out. Huge thanks to Mill for sponsoring our work and doing the right thing, and thanks to all of you listeners for supporting our partners.
• 1:54
  [upbeat music] 10 years from now, you won't even think twice about who breastfed and who didn't because there's no carryover. There's no like, "Well, Jane's got a C-minus because I formula fed him." Oh.
• 2:06
  When you get out in the world, you can't tell who was breastfed and who wasn't. [upbeat music] Welcome to Not Right Now, the podcast about parenting through all of this.
• 2:18
  We'll be talking about slash crashing out over topics like- Soccer snacks and sea level rise... while the Arctic melts, question mark. Cleaning out uneaten lunch boxes again at 4:00 PM or 10:00 PM every day.
• 2:31
  Youth sports and other camp signups you forgot about and won't get into anyways. And is there such a thing as unstructured time anymore for anyone? For me? It's not an advice show.
• 2:41
  It's a you're not alone and you're also not crazy for screaming in the shower kind of show. I'm Claire Zulkey from Evil Witches. And I'm Quinn Emmett from Important Not Important.
• 2:52
  You can find details on anything we talk about in the show notes or at our website, notrightnow.show..show.
• 2:59
  And if you like what you hear today, please share it with a parent who needs it or who might laugh and tell their kids to be quiet, and then drop us a nice little five-star review.
• 3:07
  And reminder, you can send questions or feedback to questionsatnotrightnow.show.
• 3:13
  [upbeat music] I live in fear of having a tiny little injury to get me off track, not like I'm in such good shape, but it would be very hard to get back to the shape that I'm in, you know? Uh-huh.
• 3:31
  Where I can do 15 burpees without peeing myself or, you know, um- No, you're where I aspire to be, 100%. Like 15 burpees without peeing myself would be a dream.
• 3:42
  Well, I don't know if Dana talks about this, but there is like a... I don't know what it is. I guess I could look into it, but there is an injury.
• 3:48
  Something happened when I gave birth that there's some muscle that got broken. Oh, she pees her pants once a week if that's what you're asking. Yeah.
• 3:56
  It's weird because I'll do a certain exercise and I'll feel it, and I don't know how to explain it.
• 4:00
  It was something I never had, like a little twinge that never happened before I gave birth, and then it was like a little reminder of, "Don't forget, you're broken inside."
• 4:07
  Yeah, for her it's sneezing, laughing, really any of those things. Yeah. It's a disaster.
• 4:11
  No, I feel lucky that it's not that bad for me, because I have a friend who hers was so bad that she would like suddenly wake up and she had fully pissed herself completely. Ugh. Like had- What a fucking nightmare...
• 4:20
  like no knowledge that it was coming. Anyway, what do you... I wanna know when you are feeling chubbington, how can you tell...
• 4:27
  What have you been doing that makes you get to the point where you're like, "Okay, time to drop a few"?
• 4:30
  First of all, I've basically n- I've only had this issue once ever in my life, which was the first year of working out of college. 'Cause
• 4:38
  I swam for the first three years, swam and played some baseball for the first three years of college. Dropped baseball first, then dropped swimming. But I was like 2% body fat, 185, like no questions asked.
• 4:50
  And then I spent a year and a half-ish playing rugby and I got up to 205 pure muscle.
• 4:58
  When you then transition to office life and sitting and drinking fucking Frappuccinos in 2005, '6, whatever it was, all that muscle has gotta go somewhere, and it's not great. It's not.
• 5:09
  But much easier to dig out of that hole when you're like 24. I'm nowhere near that now, but startup life, moving, all, all the things have contributed to it.
• 5:19
  And yeah, it's been definitely longer than I thought and should've been, and it's frustrating. Basically, I got one like nice green suit for the Wicked stuff last year and I was like,
• 5:31
  barely fit into this, and I'm gonna fix everything by next year, 'cause how often do you know you're gonna do the exact same shit next year? Did not. So I got 32 days to pull my shit together. Right.
• 5:42
  Not to get in shape, but it's time to at least right the ship here. Awesome. Great. Take the laxatives, like, you know. I'm using this eating tracking app. Like my diet's pretty good anyways.
• 5:54
  MacroFactor, it's like apparently the fucking nerdiest of all of these things. I don't know. And e- every day by noon it's like, "You're done." What do you mean I'm done?
• 6:03
  Can I give you a gentle suggestion that is-Human just put a little note in your calendar maybe two weeks before the premiere just to say seamstress, just give yourself the option- Just pop by...
• 6:14
  that you could maybe let it- Just pop by... let it out. Like, do that to yourself 'cause we are old, and- We are old, but I also, like, have four times as much energy.
• 6:23
  I sleep better, I eat better, pa- all these different things when I am- Yeah... quote, unquote, "in shape." Not even in, like, peak, which will never happen again, but imagining what peak is for now.
• 6:32
  I gotta turn the whole thing around, so feel better every time. It's so annoying when you get, like, the flood of good chemicals and you're like, "Goddammit, it does feel fucking great." Yeah. I know.
• 6:42
  I did my cults this morning. I did the Song Pug. Oh, yeah 'Cause, 'cause the proof is in the pudding that I always feel good after I do it, and there's nothing, like, hard about it. There's no lift- Doesn't matter...
• 6:50
  or anything like that. But when you're a boy or a man, an old man, when you start feeling chunky, where do you feel it? I'm just curious- Mm-hmm... like where in your body does it manifest?
• 6:58
  Right now it's just, like, th- the belly. Ugh. It's two things, I think. It, it's that, which is, again, like, it's compared to a lifetime of the shape I've been in, for sure, but it's also I'm genuinely...
• 7:11
  I told a buddy this the other day, I think I'm probably weaker than I've been since I was, like, 16 or 17 years old, which is a long time.
• 7:19
  One, it's I've done less strength training of any kind over the past few years, but two, as you know, and i- it's among some of the most solid research we have,
• 7:29
  as you get older, you lose muscle so much faster, and it becomes more important than ever to support your bones and stuff like that. So I can't just keep it on, you know? Yeah. Can't just get away with basic shit.
• 7:40
  So yeah, gotta, yeah, gotta dial the whole thing back. I'm excited about it, I just need to stop interrupting it. And my final question, do you fuck with protein or, like, powders or anything like that? I try not to.
• 7:51
  Most of that shit's pretty fucking terrible in the sense that it's not regulated, you know? Mm. And there's a few independent labs out there that will test these things.
• 8:02
  They'll buy them and just test them for a few different things. One, like, what is in it at all? Two, how does that measure up to what the label says is in it?
• 8:14
  And three, what else is in it, and what percentages are those? 'Cause often it's one thing to be like, "Oh, this doesn't have as much omega-3s as it says it does."
• 8:25
  It's another when they're like, "It is 2,000% your daily vitamin C," which will fuck up your kidneys in a real way, you know? So- Yeah... the answer is I avoid most of that stuff.
• 8:35
  There are some plant-based protein shakes I do like. A company I've, like, a extremely small investor in from, I don't know, six, seven years ago, O-W-Y-N, Only What You Need, and they're very clean.
• 8:47
  They've got powders and stuff too. I just do little refrigerated shakes. But there's not a lot of bullshit, if anything. They don't taste great- Mm... but that's because it doesn't have a bunch of stuff in it.
• 8:56
  Other than that, I really don't, you know? So yeah, that's it. But it- Okay...
• 9:01
  it's less, like, measuring it on my body, which, again, I don't notice when I'm in shorts, but I do notice when I'm trying to get back into this suit. It's very frustrating. That's interesting.
• 9:11
  It's nice to kinda hear the guy's side of these things. I used to have a lot more stuff that I would care about looking good for, you know, fitting into a dress for whatever, and there's fewer of those going on.
• 9:21
  And I don't know, I used to wear a lot nicer clothes, and then I worked from home, and then COVID happened, and I still have- Totally... that little tinge of, "What if you, like, looked good every day?"
• 9:29
  [laughs] What if you're one of those, like, famous women who, like, gets up every day and gets dressed and has a look? And then you're like, "And then I'd be like my mom-" When... "of course." Right. Yeah. Yeah. Right.
• 9:39
  No, that's real, like, stepford wives situation. Mm. Yeah, no, it's not that.
• 9:42
  It's just, like, we're in a phase right now where I actually have to do some of that for particular for the next six months or so, if we're so lucky, and I wanna show up and be supportive, but also I gotta feel better.
• 9:52
  It's crazy. That's where we are. That's what I did- Yeah... this morning, and then didn't have coffee. Still, here's what I've eaten today. What is that? These are delicious. Spirit almonds. Oh.
• 10:01
  The mustard flavor, fucking delicious. So that's what- For-... I'm running on... anyone who hasn't seen, Quinn is drinking from a inspiringly large iced coffee.
• 10:08
  Like, it's as large as- It's the cold brew from the independent coffee shop downstairs. There's a lot of ice. I like it cold. How do you do it? I on- I prefer hot.
• 10:16
  I do cold when I'm, like, doing my getaway, which I'm doing in a couple weeks when I stay by myself and I don't wanna make coffee, and I just like that without ice. But I like it black, you know.
• 10:25
  Somebody was on Reddit once saying, like, "Why do you like black coffee?" And people were saying, "Once I realized how bitter life is, like, black coffee began to taste more normal to me."
• 10:34
  So, you know, why mess around with things that will get be- in between you and that, that good caffeine? So... Yeah. I like the bitter, I like the cold. I usually do cold brew 'cause it's got supposedly less acid.
• 10:44
  Again, it's less about the numbers and more, like, doesn't give me reflux. I love a good cup of, like, straight black hot coffee, but I can't put stuff in it. The sugar just makes me go up and down. No, thank you. Yeah.
• 10:54
  I'd rather preserve- Yeah... that for one enormous chocolate chip cookie at the end. Yes. Oh, God, yes, indeed. Well, my thing right now is we were doing...
• 11:02
  I did the concession stand for football, and then of course we had all of these leftover Rice Krispie treats and Oreos, and that, you know, there's one side of your brain that's, "I know this i- these are all m- like, the most processed food in the world," but also they are so good at making me f- want to eat it- They're also-...
• 11:18
  and making it taste-... fucking delicious. Yeah, so- Yeah, it's a Rice Krispie treat. God, Jesus Christ, they're so good. I know.
• 11:22
  So I'm on a diet plan right now of mainly just not t- ordering in takeout and not eating those sweets, which is very modest, achievable thing.
• 11:30
  Yeah, but c- for a second, and we can dive completely into it if you want or not, but I think you have to give yourself those windows where you're like, "You guys just went through some shit.
• 11:37
  You gotta order fucking delivery," and be like, "Sorry, that's it." Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's it.
• 11:42
  No, you know it's bad though when you start losing your appetite or it's not sounding good, you know, and you're just, like, in the Eating Factory showing up for work.
• 11:49
  I get it, but you gotta let yourself be there, and you can't let yourself feel bad about it. It's like the seamstress thing. Like, it's fine to be like, "Okay, it's time to, let's shut it down and start over." Yeah.
• 11:58
  Well, Steve and I are going out for our anniversary on Saturday, and my main goal is, like, to have just an appetite.
• 12:03
  That's the other thing is, like, when you eat shitty so much, then the good food stops, like, being exciting- Mm-hmm... 'cause you've had everything.
• 12:09
  So, you know, I'm working my way towards that cheese plate, and that, that's my goal. It's gonna be amazing. What anniversary?I think seventeen or sixteen. We got married two thousand and eight. What year is it?
• 12:20
  I don't fucking know. Sixteen. What year? Is it twenty twenty-six yet? No, it's twenty twenty-five. How many years is that? Too many. Where are you going? French restaurant, just for... Well, I've been getting a sitter.
• 12:30
  Nothing special. Great. Is this on par with your usual celebrations or something different, something less? Pretty typical.
• 12:37
  We do, once in a while, every few years, maybe we'll do a trip, although that's harder and harder each time we do that. No, not really.
• 12:43
  There was one year, I think the first year, I bought Steve a candy bar or a card, maybe both, and we don't try that anymore. I don't know. Quinn, come on. What are you-- What are we- Oh, no... gonna do?
• 12:53
  We d- we started off strong. You know, Dana would be like, "It's the leather anniversary. It's this." And I'm like, "You're so my-" Yeah. I showed up, like, to dinner in a T-shirt. You know, I'm a fucking monster. Yeah.
• 13:02
  I try to do things. I remember once I surprised her with a little picnic. Again, listeners, all pre-children stuff, for sure. Right. And we try to do stuff. I don't... Maybe we've done trips.
• 13:12
  There's a couple little spots in Virginia where it's pretty easy to get away for a night. Mm-hmm. Maybe two? Doubtful. Like, Charlottesville is lovely and stuff like that, and we'll just bail.
• 13:23
  Kids don't want us around anyways. That is easy. Like, a trip trip is hard. We've done a couple of those. This year, ours is in a couple weeks. It is- Right... fifteen, and Dana has to be at the Austin Film Festival
• 13:36
  for Wicked on our actual anniversary, which is in the middle- Mm... of the week. And so I was like, "Well, I'm coming." Great. Fine, I'll sit in the audience. And then I tacked on, like, a day at a hotel after that.
• 13:47
  Nice. You know? 'Cause I was like, "Fuck it, we're already over here." And that'll be what it-- Like, would, would it be nice to have more? Sure. Would it be more stressful? Probably.
• 13:56
  I feel like anniversaries are like the New Year's Eve of relationships, where you're like, "I should do something," but also- I get it.
• 14:03
  I remember w- o- on our honeymoon, I remember this, and we were really bad about it for a long time. I remember a woman.
• 14:09
  Dana was, like, drunk shopping at, like, a French boutique, and this nice, lovely French woman was like, "You, you gotta... Don't forget the partnership, the marriage thing." Mm.
• 14:17
  So we try to stop here and there, and we're good about it on an every day, but... Oh, Claire, I give up. [upbeat music] So we're on a big cleaning streak right now.
• 14:29
  As you can imagine, I'm very annoying about it to my children. But we're trying to dial it down to the essentials at home.
• 14:36
  So whether you're an appliance, a piece of furniture or clothing, whatever, you gotta earn your spot. Everything's got a place.
• 14:45
  Everything has utility, which is hard with kids who constantly bring things into the house and all their stuff, and it's really hard when you're trying to feed them constantly.
• 14:54
  And there are various appliances that are advertised to you that can literally do one thing that honestly can't justify the counter space. But I'll tell you what does.
• 15:06
  It's the Mill Food Recycler, and holy cow, does it ever. It doesn't even go on the counter, by the way. It goes on the floor like a sexy trash can. It plugs into a standard outlet, and voila. No more food waste.
• 15:20
  Got peels, bones, stalks, whatever, leftovers? Put them in there, and then while you sleep, the Mill automatically turns on, dries, and grinds them, and it doesn't smell at all. It's crazy. Again, let's rehash.
• 15:34
  Not only does it not stink up the house, or two, cause leaky trash bags, which are disgusting, and three, send leftover food to the landfill to turn into waste and then methane and then rising oceans.
• 15:47
  It actually makes you feel good because it grinds up all of your food waste into these adorable grounds you can use in the garden, you can give to a local farm, you can put them right in the green bin.
• 15:59
  You can even ship back to Mill via Postal Service pickups like it's Netflix in two thousand and three. Anyways, a delight, a game changer.
• 16:07
  You guys can get seventy-five dollars off right now when you go to our special site. I'm gonna read it to you, but you should know the link is right in the show notes, and you can just smash your finger against it.
• 16:17
  It's mill.com/lp/important-not-important. Can I remember that? No. That's why we put the link right in the show notes.
• 16:27
  So anyways, huge thanks to Mill for doing the right thing and trying to cut down on food waste, most of which comes from our homes, for sponsoring our work, and of course, thanks to you listeners for always supporting our partners.
• 16:39
  [upbeat music] But, uh, what... So you guys got married in October, November? October twenty-third. Why was that your wedding date? How did you guys choose that? It's a really great question.
• 16:51
  We were in California, but we wanted to do it in sort of a fall setting and didn't exist even then, really. My family's enormous, so I think I told you my mom's the second of nine kids.
• 17:03
  I'm the second of thirty-one cousins. We're all pretty close. They were all invited to start with. I think we ended up having a total of two hundred and three attendees.
• 17:14
  Dana had, no joke, thirteen or fourteen bridesmaids. I had to have that many groomsmen. It was big, but it was really split between East Coast and West Coast. But I still had a couple living grandparents- Wow...
• 17:23
  and she had a couple sort of fake grandparents who were also on the East Coast who were like, "Fuck it. Let's do it in Virginia." What does fall really look like? Days like today, it's incredible. Mm.
• 17:33
  But, you know, it's still the tail end of hurricane season, and just rain and shit happens. And yeah, I don't know how we picked that specific date.
• 17:41
  It was late enough fall where you're like, "It's gonna look awesome out here," and we knew we wanted to do it outside and stuff like that, so. Mm.
• 17:47
  Oh, the other reason was we were the-- We said no to a couple, so this does not include those. We were the twelfth wedding we went to that year. Yeah. Ours was the last one.
• 17:57
  Starting on New Year's Eve, that was number one literally of the year, and ours was the twelfth one. So we were like, "I guess we'll get in line. I don't fucking know." Yeah. Yeah.
• 18:06
  I remember that time of life when you're- Oh, my God... yeah, on the train and, like, I'm like- How expensive it was? Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. And then we were, like, in all of those. Oh, my God.
• 18:15
  It was crazy.Yeah, and I remember how, God, I went to a wedding in Atlanta, outside Atlanta. It was on a plantation, so of course already canceled. Same thing, like a million bridesmaids.
• 18:26
  And I thought this was really interesting. The wedding was very... The family is really wealthy and over the t- like I expected. I'll just say I was really surprised.
• 18:33
  It was a very light on the food kind of wedding, and I don't know if that was like a s- What are you doing? Everyone was so shit-faced.
• 18:41
  I remember like we went to the after party and I remember telling Steve, "We need to go." I, I believe we were in like a shitty motel and we slept in separate beds that night 'cause I was so drunk.
• 18:50
  I remember getting so drunk at the like rehearsal dinners often that the weddings would be so low-key in comparison, 'cause you're like, "Blew my wad." Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Yeah, no.
• 18:59
  I mean, look, everybody do their own thing. You wanna have a full fucking communion, like best wishes. But we were like, "Feed people, get them shit-canned, have a great time."
• 19:08
  Our ceremony I think was 16 minutes, something like that, outside. We gave people drinks as they walked in. But also food. We were like, "We're having the most incredible food."
• 19:16
  Our friend, one of the biggest supporters of all of my fucking work, my buddy Matt Poley, runs this high-end catering company in Los Angeles, and they had just gotten it started, he and his previous business and life partner.
• 19:28
  And they were doing like high-end all kinds of fancy stuff. It's called Heirloom LA. They're incredible. Still going. And he was like, "I'm gonna cater your wedding." We're like, "We're doing it in Virginia."
• 19:40
  And he was like, "I know. I'm gonna drive a fucking truck there and I'm gonna cater it." I was like, "We're doing it on like Jamestown Island in the middle of nowhere." Which, again, semi-canceled. Fair.
• 19:49
  And he's like, "No, I'm gonna do it." We're like, "Okay." And he figured it out. It was fucking incredible.
• 19:53
  We were just like, "No, you gotta have the good food and stuff, but then you gotta get to the party, that people have to eat." You wanna get shit-canned, that's great, but you gotta feed people. That was our...
• 20:02
  Of how many of those bridesmaids and groomsmen- Mm... are close to you? We're gonna open up a picture here and we're gonna go down the list. We're gonna name names. No, I'm kidding. What about you?
• 20:10
  You answer while I'm looking at it, 'cause I got so many people I gotta go through here. Well, it's kinda funny 'cause like when I got married, I had just gone through a difficult friendship breakup where...
• 20:19
  I'm not gonna go into details, but I was demoted- Please... from someone's wedding. I was then like... I was doing that thing where you're like, "Well, I'm not, I don't give a shit. I'm a cool bride. Who gives a sh..."
• 20:28
  You know, and of course, like the answer is you do give a shit, but I had three bridesmaids total, including my maid of honor, and I only talk to one of them still after this point. Like so- Okay... I'm not like
• 20:38
  proud of that, but it's just interesting that at that time of your life you care so much, and everyone has to dress, and you pay for their nails and their makeup and all, whatever, and you care about their shoes and their dress.
• 20:48
  And then cut to, you know, being like, "I think I never talking to you again." So- Mm-hmm...
• 20:52
  I always am like it'll be interesting when our kids get married if we by that point agree that is a big deal, or there's a part of me that's like it'd be hard to imagine some child being like, "No, I'm serious.
• 21:03
  I need the band to play this song on time." You know what I mean? Like that matters and to agree with them. It's hard for me to imagine thinking that matters right now, but... I know. Or does it matter the most, Claire?
• 21:13
  You know? I'm kidding. I know. So Dana had 13 bridesmaids, and this is... Here's the thing about my fucking wife. Does she talk to all these people every day?
• 21:21
  No, for sure, but I think each of them thinks she's their best friend. Oh. This is who I'm married to. It's crazy. And I know she would show up for all of them. My sister's one of them. Yeah, it's crazy. 13.
• 21:33
  13 total, and then she's got, you know, 10 other friends. Now y- maybe you have the same thing where you look up and you're like, "It's so weird. That person wasn't even at my wedding." And then mine, yeah, yeah 10, 11.
• 21:44
  Majority. Okay. Not all. Well, you're a better person than I am. Not all, but it comes and goes. I've got a single text thread, but I've also got like, uh, my office mate, I finally apologized to him 15 years later.
• 21:55
  I was like, "I feel terrible you weren't at my wedding." He's like one of my best childhood friends. Fucking life, man. I've got three-quarters of these guys on one text thread. Okay. And I think that helps.
• 22:06
  I don't know. It's weird. Life is weird, Claire. Yes, it is. For sure. My wedding date was chosen 'cause my mom told me that she always thought a fall wedding sounded good.
• 22:14
  And little had I known while Steve and I were only getting engaged she had booked the golf club like for October 11th, and she'd already set it in motion. So I was like, "This is a train." Oh, okay.
• 22:23
  And I can just like get out a little, get on board. Or- That's the thing. You can fight it or... And now I know me, I'd be like, "Best wishes. Don't care." Yeah. Well, I'm not stupid.
• 22:33
  Why would I like let someone, like get in the way of someone who wants to do the logistics? Mm-hmm.
• 22:39
  And Steve's parents came to visit some months before the wedding, and my mom took them to the golf club to show them like where the reception would be, just to kinda get them, you know, on board.
• 22:47
  And there was a bit of culture clash where his parents I think assumed that they were like the country mouse, you know.
• 22:53
  And Steve's dad was looking out the window, looking upon all this, you know, here's where the band's gonna be, here's where the cocktail piano will be, here's this and that.
• 23:02
  And he looked out the window and he said, "I'm so glad I don't have daughters." And the real kicker is that he does have daughters, two daughters from his first marriage, so anyway. Jesus. Right?
• 23:13
  It's got some layers to it. Yeah. Yeah. These fucking... Claire, how do we, besides airing our grievances and our failures publicly to listeners, how do we not do that? I don't know. I'm really scared.
• 23:25
  Like I, I am- I am too, 'cause it, there's a lot that's built into the machine. Yeah. But I'm like trying to be as hyper self-aware. So like we've talked about very earnestly, I do not drink because I do not...
• 23:35
  There are opportunities for me to yell at my kids through drinking that I'm not gonna participate in. And things like that where I'm like, "Nope, not doing it. I'm just gonna take that out."
• 23:43
  And the gummy is gonna even take us more in the other direction. But like how do we not fucking become that? "Oh, I'm so glad I don't have daughters." Jesus Christ. I don't know. I really don't know.
• 23:53
  And I think about this ahead of time. It's just funny, 'cause Steve and I have talked about this for forever about how mothers are to sons-in-law and vice versa, and I already am like I already give myself pep talks.
• 24:04
  Just stay out of the way. Don't give any opinions. Just be happy she's there, assuming that there, there is anyone, let alone a she. I don't wanna be that person that I'm scared of being. You know?
• 24:14
  But I wanna be fun, but w- who doesn't, right? Also at the same time-Who doesn't wanna be fun, like figuring out the not right now of it all.
• 24:22
  Like, I have more notes on my phone right now about what to do about ice than I did, you know, with the year I got married, and that's like a fucking bummer. Yeah.
• 24:31
  You know, just to kick things off a little bit, and my phone is pinging with the new, i- improved mom's text thread that now includes a dad. [laughs] Because the wife died. Why? So he- Right. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
• 24:43
  Anyway, yeah, I really wanna be a young, cool... Not young, but like a cool empty nester who travels a lot and is like, goes out to dinner and invites your grown kids and their friends or partner to join you.
• 24:56
  But who knows? I might be like, "I don't wanna talk to you at all. I'm not leaving the house." There's a good chance that could all happen, so. Oh, sure. Yeah. But that's also non-destructive, right?
• 25:04
  Well- You're like, "Not only am I not gonna ruin things, I'm just not gonna show up." Talk about being the cool parent. You had a note about, you know, and the...
• 25:14
  Parenting, this is such a specific, you typed this and I was like, "Oh, I, I can name those five people off the top of my head."
• 25:19
  When you've found a good parent friend, you can take out your kid's medication and ask them what their kid takes and it's not weird. Yes. Lifers. Yeah. And this is also, like, when you are friends with someone.
• 25:29
  I have a friend who has a kid who has, like, pretty, pretty hard to control ADHD. It happens to the best of us. And this kid, you know, in the past I've seen him have hard days.
• 25:40
  I've had to do some gentle discipline on him myself. Mm-hmm. But also, I'm a mom, he's in my school network, so I feel very, like, warmly towards this kid, even though if he can be a nightmare sometimes.
• 25:51
  So, like, I was doing the concession stand for football a couple weeks ago, and this kid came up and asked for something, and I said, "How you doing?" And he said, "Pretty good. How about you?"
• 26:01
  And [laughs] I went and talked to the mom and I said, "Your son not only responded to me, he asked me how I was doing." And she- Gold star. Well, yeah, exactly. She was so happy.
• 26:12
  Anyway, yeah, at our other football game last week, I took out James' stay asleep pills, and I asked her, I was like, "Do you guys take this?" And she's like, "Oh, we've taken clonidine. We've been through that."
• 26:21
  She's like, "Now he takes guanfacine." And y- yeah, it's just great to not worry at all about, you give your kid a pill or what, you know, or aren't you embarrassed, or anything like that, so, you know.
• 26:33
  Also, this lady beat cancer, so I'm sure she gives zero fucks about, you know, what happens medical-wise. You gotta do what you gotta do. But yes, indeed. You gotta do what you gotta do.
• 26:42
  Like, I don't want my kid to get yelled at m- more than he has earned. Right. Like baseline earned. In which case, please parent my child. Like I say to everyone in our community here, I'm like, "They're yours as well."
• 26:53
  Yeah. So, you know, do as you will. [laughs] Yeah. No, I love passing on compliments when a boy especially, sorry to, to... But when a boy does...
• 27:02
  Whoa, there was this kid who came over, we were doing our, they shut down the busy street outside our house once a year where I live. 'Cause it's a war zone? It is a war zone.
• 27:09
  [laughs] But it's a, like if you live in Chicago, there's a famous thing called Bike the Drive where they shut down Lake Shore Drive for a couple hours and people can ride their bikes up and down, and this is called Bike the Ridge.
• 27:18
  It's very similar. And so Steve likes to sit out with donuts for people who come by. Mm-hmm.
• 27:22
  And Paul has this friend who came by, and he's sort of known for being a mooch, and he was like, "I'm gonna be your first customer," but then said, "Can I help you set up?" And I was so fucking touched.
• 27:34
  I've known this kid for so long, I've wiped his ass, and I immediately went to my phone and said, "Your son just offered to help me." I mean, truly the, it is like a yes right now. It is always a good time- Mm-hmm...
• 27:45
  to tell another parent that their kid has done, like, the smallest thing. And what is the quote about being nice? Like, it's it doesn't cost you anything, right?
• 27:55
  Because the look, every time, the look on the parents' faces in is fucking shock and relief. Oh. And then, like, pride.
• 28:02
  But you gotta go through shock and relief first, 'cause you're like, "What is this person gonna fucking say right now?" And it's great. Just do it. Just do it. Right. Not that it happens very often.
• 28:10
  The stakes are so low. The stakes are so low. Like, I have been more proud of the time that my friend told me that my son offered to help her unload the, like, the groceries than, you know, when he was on the honor roll.
• 28:19
  'Cause one of those to me matters a lot more, and to hear him be good when I wasn't watching is very- What a segue to talking about grades. Look at you. You're fucking nailing it.
• 28:29
  No, fully, I mean, I cared so much about my fucking sports and social standing and all this, and I was very smart and applied myself very little, and, you know, barely graduated fucking college for no one's fault but my own, 1,000%.
• 28:46
  But had the stress and anxiety. Dana, overachiever, type A, had to do it, you know, was the full... Who, uh, what's the famous, the Saved by the Bell, who's the one who did the caffeine pills? Jessie. Jessie said- Yeah.
• 28:57
  Mm-hmm... that, that was Dana's entire high school and college, you know. Yes. And do we want our children to, quote-unquote, "do well?" Are they privileged to be able to do whatever this and this?
• 29:07
  But we are really trying to consciously every day back off the fucking stress train about grade stuff. And they're doing fine, and they can talk about tutors or whatever.
• 29:17
  We can help however we can, but I'm not trying to make it worse, man. Oh, yeah. My- I would so much rather get the text that they helped set up a fucking donut stand. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
• 29:26
  Well, my kids' school is very stringent with the grades, and they grade hard. And so we got a, you know, a special email saying that one of our kids was getting a C minus in social studies.
• 29:37
  And just to go back in time, maybe Dana was the same.
• 29:40
  I remember the night we got a phone call at home, I was probably around fifth or sixth grade, from the math teacher telling my parents that I was getting a D in math, and that was like heretofore the 9/11 of my life.
• 29:50
  Like, at that moment in time, like, I remember crying and the devastation and the shame and- Was that all self-induced, or was that brought on by parents as well? Both. Both. Okay.
• 30:01
  My parents definitely wanted me to do, you know... They were definitely like, "Why'd you get a B+?" kind of parents, you know, B+ is not good. Yeah.
• 30:10
  And I just happened to be a people-pleasing, parent-pleasing kind of firstborn, which is like, you know, lucky for them.
• 30:16
  And then, you know, cut to years of my mom, like, making math quizzes and sitting down with me painstakingly to get my grade up.
• 30:22
  And I remember they paid for the SATs, like, for me to take the SATs a second time to see if they could get my math grade up, 'cause they paid for me to have private counseling, all of this stuff. Mm-hmm.
• 30:31
  I don't have it in me.
• 30:33
  First of all, my mom didn't have a job, so that was, you know, she could be my unofficial tutor.I do have a job and now I can say from the other side of it, is that y- if you do get all of your good grades in middle school and high school, it doesn't promise anything for college and beyond.
• 30:46
  And it doesn't mean you're gonna be successful or happy. You know, I don't think getting better grades would make my clinical depression any better than it was.
• 30:54
  But I think if it was Paul, our older one, like who had the C minus, I could imagine freaking out a lot more. But looking at the... I was like, "I think you just didn't turn in work, basically." I don't know.
• 31:05
  I just was like, "Well, this sucks. This is one more thing to deal with." But also I was like, "He can do this. It's gonna be fine."
• 31:10
  And then Paul meanwhile told us that he wants a tutor because he got moved up a level in math, which I already was like, "Is he gonna stress about this 'cause I don't want that to happen." Mm-hmm.
• 31:18
  And he didn't get like his first night's homework, so he immediately went to, "I need a tutor." Mm.
• 31:23
  Side note, he did Steve the biggest favor in the world where Steve came over to try to figure out this math assignment, and he did it. And he like remembered algebra and was able to convince Paul.
• 31:34
  And I haven't seen Steve feel so good about himself for a long time, not since he came back from doing his shoot with Giannis and said that Giannis was a good guy.
• 31:42
  So you get the, was it call, email, whatever the fuck letter in the mail saying- We got an email saying, "Midterm grades are coming. You're gonna get a special email if- Yep... your kid is flopping- Okay, great...
• 31:51
  and getting a C or worse." Let's talk through this, because everyone knows there's so many... I mean, I have six different school apps we gotta subscribe to and logins. All this shit, right?
• 32:00
  And you can't keep up with it. Do you and Steve both get those emails? We do get the emails. So had you both seen... I'm treating this like CSI.
• 32:08
  Had you both seen the email and then decided to talk about it together before you approached your child? Or how did it go down, basically? He was out of town for work, so I got it. Okay. And I knew I'd have James on...
• 32:21
  And then again, I looked it over and I was like, it seems like this is like a lot of admin stuff that he can...
• 32:25
  And I feel like at this grade level, five and six, a lot of it is like, can you keep your shit together more or less? Which is pretty hard. What it... Yeah. And what it probably should be. But- Yeah. And let's see.
• 32:36
  What did I say to Steve? I just was like, "I think we're gonna have to deal with this." I kind of had a little thing in my back pocket, actually, when I picked up the boys, and I said, "James, I'm gonna have to...
• 32:45
  I need to talk to you after school." And he was very... Yeah, exactly. He was very intrigued, you know, scared. Uh-huh. He wanted to know what it was. Like- Going through the list in his head. Yeah, exactly.
• 32:55
  And there's a part of me that's like excited to have the intrigue. You know, he's like, "What is it?" And I was like, "Let's go talk privately." He's like, "Why can't we talk here?"
• 33:02
  And I was like, "Do you want Paul to hear this, whatever it is?" You know? So I just, I pulled up the email in front of him and I said, "Here's what it is, and here's, like what I think is going on."
• 33:13
  And I said, "You need to talk to your teacher," you know? And I said, "Dad will talk to you as well." But also, I mean, I did calm down. It's not like we had been doing our jo-...
• 33:20
  Here's the thing, 'cause I don't want to check their backpack every day, check Google Classrooms, check the binder, but you have to, you know? Yeah. And like, we will... You need to do this better. We will help you.
• 33:30
  I was like, "I know you can do this. I'm not mad at you, but let's all try harder," basically. And I just... [upbeat music] Hey, it's Quinn.
• 33:40
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• 35:24
  We depend on it every minute of every day. So thanks for supporting our partners. [upbeat music] Too much going on. Like, too much going on to think deeply about this.
• 35:34
  So then Steve came home and I think had his own little talk with him. So- And do you think he approached it the same way? Probably. Yeah, I think so.
• 35:42
  You know, I think the issue with James, Paul is very, you know, he's first born, he's neurotypical, or at least he seems to be, and he's really good at being like, "I gotta get some work done, sit down, and do my work," whereas James is like, "I gotta get some work done, but first snacks and reading, and then also first basketball."
• 35:57
  Mm-hmm. And then comes me, like the bitch, being like, "Time for potty," you know? Or that, that's what I sound like. Great. And my pa- my frying pan- Yep... and hair in curlers and, you know.
• 36:08
  And I'm like, "I don't wanna make you do this," but also you, we can't wait till the end of the night when you're all tired and then, like, the sobbing starts and, you know, you're writing with a pen, and you poke through the paper and, you know.
• 36:17
  Like- Yeah, that was like Tuesday for us. Really? But yeah. Yeah. So who are we going through it right now? What class and how are they handling? They're not really. Yeah. They're doing fine.
• 36:25
  There was an interesting hiccup. You know, I'm sure you're seeing it a little, there's a difference between elementary and middle school.
• 36:31
  And like what I've talked about, our school system, for the most part, the elementary, some of middle, they really chose to not do much homework, which I think is fantastic for the kids who are doingWell enough, right?
• 36:44
  'Cause free time and rest is important but then you'll have things. But when we went to, and we chose to take the kids to that Wicked concert a few weeks ago- Oh, yeah...
• 36:54
  in the middle of the week There's only one way to go to LA, which is it takes a couple days to do the whole thing, and so they missed Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Oh.
• 37:01
  And they told their teachers ahead of time and, you know, did the work. It wasn't like exam season or whatever, I mean, they're young enough, but it was substantial.
• 37:10
  And we came back, and didn't do well on a test a few days later. He was like, "They just straight up covered things, like while I was gone, that I didn't even know about." And you're like, "That's totally fair." Oh.
• 37:19
  So, you know, do they get to do, what are they called, test corrections or anything like that? I was like, "What can you do?" You, you know why. This isn't like a question of you didn't apply yourself or whatever.
• 37:29
  But then the young one's also, "I've got all this to do," but it's, like you said, it's always like he's got a ton of anxiety and issues. And like you said, it's right before bed. It's this, "I gotta do this.
• 37:39
  I can't go to bed." I'm like, "First of all, what is it? Because you're in third grade. And also- [laughs]... where was this for the three hours prior since you got home?" And I would rather... Like you said, the
• 37:52
  fourth, fifth grade thing is it's a measure of do you have your shit together. I would rather them deal with this now than- Mm-hmm... go full Saved by the Bell in 11th grade.
• 38:01
  What are the things, the habits, the setups, and things like that we can set up to make it a little better now, knowing we are who we are, but it's hard.
• 38:12
  Well, I mean, we didn't handle it well 'cause we're like, "What the fuck is this coming out of nowhere?" But also you're very small. I don't understand. Mm-hmm. Like, Cornell's not calling right now. Uh, no.
• 38:20
  What could this be? Can we... Like, we also just aspire for the kids to go unnoticed, basically. Like, than to have us do more to have them excel.
• 38:28
  Please just do what you have to do and leave us alone so we don't have one more thing to think about it. Yeah. It's a real not right now. At the same time, I know it's like the primary...
• 38:37
  But at the same time I'm like, here's the thing, you know, there's no rules, Claire. There's no rules, and will doing better possibly get you into better life circumstances? Yeah. But guess what?
• 38:54
  So much of that is already baked in socioecon- economically anyways, and also you, at this point, can't do enough.
• 39:01
  I mean, the number of kids who get passed over by most of the colleges de- despite 40 fucking extracurriculars and tutors and 4.1 GPAs, which I didn't- Yeah... even know was a thing. Oh, excuse me. Like- I had a 4.5.
• 39:13
  Sorry. You know, you must have been dumb. Just take that. Take three off. Yeah. [laughs] And, you know, I'm not interested in making their lives worse.
• 39:21
  I get a very short amount of time with them, and stress is a real motherfucker, and I remember it. Right. And that is super privileged to be able to do, but
• 39:29
  our same thrule, re, three rules apply, and we'll see how they hold up. Try your hardest, which is often different than doing your best. If you're not doing your shit, sorry, that's on you. You fucked that up.
• 39:39
  Be a good teammate, which in the classroom is help your fucking teacher and help other kids, and don't disrupt everything as much as you can. Yeah. And, uh, have fun with it.
• 39:46
  Well, I really hope not to get in the slipstream of it all, but I also know I have enough ex- experience now to know it's possible.
• 39:52
  'Cause like we were talking with some friends who have older kids, and they were talking about the, hiring the college counselors who will help them apply.
• 39:59
  And you wanna say, "Why is the high school counselor, you know, the free one that you get, not sufficient?" But I also know what it's like when you get into a slipstream, and suddenly you start caring a lot more.
• 40:10
  But also it's crazy the things you forget.
• 40:12
  I was just having a phone call with a woman who has a three-month-old, and she wants to write something for Witches about how this lady chose not to breastfeed, which is something close to my heart 'cause I was the same way.
• 40:21
  But I was like, you would not believe... It will take your breath away how 10 years from now, you won't even think twice about who breastfed and who didn't. 'Cause there's no carry over.
• 40:31
  There's no like, well, James got a C minus, you know, because, you know, because I formula fed him. Oh. When you get out in the world, you can't tell who was breastfed and who wasn't.
• 40:39
  But at the time, you're like, everyone's thinking about it, everyone cares, my decisions make it. So, so we'll see.
• 40:46
  I hope I can have some perspective by the time Paul is like a junior in high school, but I also know there's a good chance that I might like, you know, lose my shit and start caring very much. No. It, it...
• 40:55
  But it's again, the screen time thing, where everything has been put on the children and the parents against like these enormous hyper object forces.
• 41:03
  You know, there was a report the other day, it said Virginia's fourth in student debt per capita. Oh.
• 41:08
  And because we're such a government heavy state, both through the armed forces, but also just being, you know, south of DC and so many people live here, and because the areas south of DC are very expensive to, to live in, Alexandria, all, all those kind of places, you know, it's pretty overwhelming.
• 41:22
  And those are a lot of people who were, in the past 20 years, like forced into the system where they were... They're not gonna pay...
• 41:29
  To be clear, like they're just actually not gonna pay it off, and it doesn't really matter what job you get.
• 41:33
  And some of them are just like, "Well, then I guess that's part of my life," and some of them have parents who've helped, and some of them don't, or they can't help enough, or whatever the fuck.
• 41:40
  Again, it's like the thing where you're going, I think the system is just broken. Oh. This is not ideal for most people.
• 41:46
  You know, it's like we were at the batting cage, and our nine-year-old was whiffing on a bunch of pitches. Oh. And I said... He was very upset, of course, "I'm terrible," this and that. And I said, "Let me stop you."
• 41:57
  And this isn't like a system's built against you, but it was a, it's the same source statistic where I said, "So you know, the best hitters of all time missed...
• 42:08
  Y- the b- single best season of all time, 4-0 season, he got out 6 out of 10 times." And he was like, "Well, that can't be right." I'm like, "It's 150 years of statistics."
• 42:17
  The last highest batting average I think was Nomar Garciaparra went 372, right? Oh. In fucking 2003 or some shit. Sorry. You are not gonna hit two out of three of these. Yeah. No questions asked.
• 42:28
  But that's also just where we are with like fucking college and all this stuff. It almost doesn't matter. Yes- Yeah...
• 42:34
  there are enormous socioeconomic privileges to be able to even consider tutors or whatever it might be, but it's just fucked.
• 42:41
  Well, one thing, first of all, the batting cages are extremely fraught because you are conscious of like how bad you're doing, and you're like, "How could I- Totally... fuck this up?"
• 42:49
  And I paid money to fail this badly- Sure... in front of everyone, so. Yep. I ca- I made the effort. I came here. Other people are waiting in line. They're watching. Yeah.
• 42:55
  I'll do this all day.Yeah, Paul hates it too, and so I get it.
• 42:58
  But yeah, Northwestern, I guess, lost one ranking spot, so now it's below University of Chicago and I was just thinking, I was like, "Will there be people who graduate this year who like get a worse job because Northwestern, you know, slipped one?
• 43:10
  Or does it possibly not matter?" Nothing fucking matters. Nothing fucking ma- Like it's... I don't know. It's crazy. It's frustrating. Does that mean like you can opt out of it entirely?
• 43:19
  No, but you know, our 12-year-old's getting really into music and I was like, "Did you know that there are entire colleges just for music? And you could do that or fucking whatever. I don't care." Yeah.
• 43:32
  And then of course, my brother reminded me that the unspoken rule of Berklee College of Music is you can't stay the whole time, which I think is really great.
• 43:38
  Um- Or he goes to a non-music school and then he's like the best musician there 'cause there's no, you know- Great... you're the big fish in the little music pond.
• 43:45
  My big measuring stick is, are you gonna contribute to the world in whatever way, man? And again, that's privileged, but hopefully they can extend that in some way. What's the Tony Morrison?
• 43:54
  "The function of freedom is to free someone else." Anyways, that's my rant. It's just incredibly frustrating. Okay, two quick things about trying to be a good guy with the not right now of it all.
• 44:05
  Where is ICE and all that in the National Guard in DC? Are you seeing that shit? Is that, any of that in your life? Are you like top of mind?
• 44:12
  You know, do you have an action plan or that's not something that is going on near you at all? Yes. We're south enough to DC, we don't see the National Guard there.
• 44:21
  I'm sure, you know, we're about to have an absolutely enormous election also in about 24 days or something like that. That will be not just like a symbolic bellwether of how people are reacting, but also a
• 44:34
  can we enshrine reproductive rights and same-sex marriage into our fucking constitution? But also literally, can we just protect folks more?
• 44:42
  My personal story about that super privileged version was literally the folks doing my landscaping didn't show up, and I called and they were like, "Yeah, three-quarters of our guys got taken off the job."
• 44:51
  It was like a month ago. Oh, wow. Just pulled up, taken off, goodbye, in fucking Williamsburg, Virginia. I think a bunch of them were able to come back, and we-- It was so...
• 45:00
  What's the quote from Clue where she's like, "The flame's coming out of the side of my face"? Oh, yeah. "The flame's coming out of the side of my face." Yeah. Um, yep. I feel that every day, and good, let it drive me.
• 45:08
  I think some of the airports in Virginia, again, I think proximity to the coast, to the port, and DC have been airports for a lot of these flights that are going out, which again, what can you do?
• 45:18
  There's a lot you can do, there's a lot you cannot do. Yeah, it's a fucking nightmare, though we're not in a city.
• 45:24
  It's an outdoor museum like yours where it is directly threatened every day and troops are coming in from other fucking states. So let me turn the tables a little bit. How is Chicago?
• 45:36
  Well, I mean, it's a hell hole as always.
• 45:38
  I haven't been in the city, so I haven't seen anything, but I just got a text right before we jumped on the phone from a friend of mine who shared me, shared a clip of ICE co- at the school drop-off line.
• 45:48
  And the video was taken by a woman s- who saw these guys getting out of a car with masks and guns, assuming they're ICE and not just fucking randos. But ICE are randos.
• 45:58
  Um- That's another whole fucking question, by the way. Continue, though. Yeah. No, so I'm gonna tr- She wanted to know if I had a contact in the media, so I'm gonna try to send this on after that.
• 46:07
  And then in the meantime, I have numbers. I have like an ICE reporting number saved in my phone. I have a note on what to do in case you, you do it. And in the meantime, same thing, privilege, embarrassing.
• 46:19
  I have a friend who's Mexican and I was saying like, "I wanna check with our cleaning service, like if they're okay," but she was like, "Be careful 'cause you don't wanna sound like you're asking too much about their info."
• 46:29
  I saw somewhere online that was like, you know, so many like people, progressive, you know, people with money wanna help and jump in. But, you know, what can you practically do that actually makes sense?
• 46:40
  So it's things like checking in with people, seeing if you can, you know, do errands, bring groceries, like a little extra money.
• 46:46
  And so, you know, trying to do that now, but I was just talking with my friends at the football game about, again, the not right now of life.
• 46:53
  We had a death in our school family, which kind of threw us all off kilter, and I was like, "And are we going to Broadview also to protest ICE?"
• 47:00
  'Cause that's where they are, you know, taking people and where they're set up. And so that's TBD of like when you put the, your body on the line, you know, but also who am I?
• 47:09
  So in the meantime, I did have a conversation. I mean, and if we can, I'd like to put a link in the show notes if this goes up in time. But I did talk with a friend of mine.
• 47:17
  She is in an organization called The States Project. Oh, yeah. And they... Yeah.
• 47:21
  So they raise money for local elections, and I've been doing this for a long time, and we are gonna be-- I'm raising money for the Virginia election because, as you mentioned, first of all, if they can flip more seats and get a Democratic governor, then obviously policy will impact everyone in the state and then ideally influence the rest of the country.
• 47:40
  But yeah, this is a bellwether and it will say whether we are s- getting our country back or like we're gonna roll over and keep taking it up the ass with no lube the way we've been.
• 47:49
  So anyway, if anyone's listening, check the link, chip in a couple bucks, 'cause this effort does work. We flipped a election last time by 963 votes, I wanna say. Mm-hmm.
• 48:00
  So the state level work is much more effective than national. So that's- Yeah... my little pitch. 100%. Yeah. We'll put your specific link up. I will match whatever people donate up to 2,000 bucks. Let's say that. Whoa.
• 48:13
  So. Okay. Whatever people donate, because I'm here. That's why I'm here. Thanks. I mean, the first week we... It's not this easy, but the first week we moved back from LA, which is always gonna be a fight.
• 48:25
  It is what it is. Incredible place, diverse people, this and that. But, you know, an LA school board election is complicated.
• 48:31
  It's bigger than most like state legislature elections, LA County Board of Supervisors, this and that.
• 48:36
  We came back and within two weeks, a buddy and I helped a lovely, this woman, a Black woman, former kindergarten teacher for 30 years, whatever, thought she might run for school board. There was an open seat.
• 48:47
  And we just helped get her elected. And we were like, "Well, that was fucking easy." It was, but it wasn't.
• 48:52
  But the point is, like you're saying, and you know, we're making a big deal of it in the rest of our work, but the state and local stuff goes so far. You can feel like a fucking kingmaker with this stuff.
• 49:01
  So it's real important. And am I annoyed sometimes that-A lot of times that Virginia has these off year insane elections, yes.
• 49:08
  But sometimes it helps to have the spotlight and, yeah, we get 24 days to, again, not just be this symbolic thing, but also to be like... I'm going back to what you said, and I've been hesitating to ask, but
• 49:20
  are you showing up at, like, school drop-off lines?
• 49:23
  Again, the flames coming out of my face, like when I read the article about the paratroopers coming to the Chicago building and taking kids, and I'm like, "I'm just so angry all the time." I'm her. Yeah.
• 49:34
  Give me all the things. I'm so angry all the time. Yeah. No, it's extremely...
• 49:39
  I was just talking to a friend of mine who we are in the stage of life where our kids are a little bit older, but our parents are aging, and it's really depressing and sad, and also you are, you know, trying to fight the system.
• 49:49
  And then weirdly you're like, "And I'm not feeling very ambitious or creative," which shouldn't matter at all, but also it kind of does because, like, you're like, it feels like a sign of your, yourself dying when you're like, "I don't give a shit about my work output, but also I kinda don't.
• 50:05
  Is that okay? I don't know. There's babies, you know, getting kidnapped, so who gives a shit about whether I write another paragraph ever again?" Nobody fucking cares.
• 50:14
  Here's the thing, like, I care of course, but I'm also starting to see as a little bit old me where I'm just like, "I give zero fucks. I give zero fucks." I can't...
• 50:21
  The idea of them showing up at, like, a bus stop- Yeah. Well- I, I just- And that's the thing, though. It's, it's very hard to ma- to...
• 50:27
  'Cause fe- anger feels productive, but not real- Like, I have a friend who, this friend of mine has the kindest heart, and she actually in her spare time facilitates a caregiving group for her church, so people can come on Zoom and talk about their experiences.
• 50:40
  Like, it's really... But she sent me a, an Instagram from a friend of hers who was like, "I'm showing up every morning to walk these kids to school so they don't get kidnapped for ICE."
• 50:49
  And this woman was like, on Instagram, was like, "What are you doing? I'm doing the..." Like, yeah, so my friend- Just stop right there. Yeah. Yeah. No, I just meant lady. Oh, yeah. She can stop right there. Yeah.
• 50:57
  Thank you for showing up. But- So my friend was like, she's like, "Why is this annoying me so much?" Just- And she was, like, really going through, like, "This woman's doing good work. Why is it bugging me?"
• 51:06
  And I was like, " 'Cause it's performative," and because we are in such a state right now where it's easier to be mad at someone who agrees with you, you know, and is slightly off path than, you know...
• 51:16
  Because it's harder to find, you can't yell at Donald Trump in his face or Kristi Noem in what passes for her face. And, you know, but we all have really heightened emotions. So we were texting about this last week.
• 51:27
  The mother of one of my son's classmates died, which was incredibly sad, and obviously, sorry, I have no, I don't have good words to describe human tr-
• 51:36
  But in response to it, in trying to do something, which is very normal, like, the boy mom text thread was blowing up with all of these logistics, and it meant well, but I had this emotion of getting annoyed by, it felt like it was not productive.
• 51:53
  Like, it was, didn't have big picture in mind. But then I was like, "Why am I annoyed?"
• 51:58
  Like, why am I such an asshole that I, like, go to this negative view instead of saying what a wonderful community we have where everyone's jumping in and trying to help?
• 52:06
  But all I'm saying is I think our emotions are miscalibrated at this time, so yeah, the rage is there. Everybody is fucked so many different ways right now, and obviously so many fucked more than others, of course.
• 52:19
  There's a lot of truths here, which is like everyone feels pulled in 10,000 different directions, which is what we all thought in, like, 2017. It's so much worse, right? In so many different ways.
• 52:28
  Just the burnout, and the exhaustion, and the inequality, like, all these different things. You know, the fucking screens with the paratroopers and all this.
• 52:37
  There's so much diff- disinformation on purpose about what you can do and what you can't do, and what's true and what's not to children and adults, which then you have to help the children try to fucking rectify.
• 52:47
  It, it never fucking stops. Then there's the people who are showing up every day. This woman walking kids to the bus stop, fuck yeah. Every day. That's not hard. It doesn't cost you anything. Just fucking do it.
• 53:00
  Do you have to then yell at other people? No. But there's a really great JFK quote I'm remembering about, you know, silence and neutrality isn't gonna help either. Oh.
• 53:18
  And there's an author I really love, and I'm gonna talk about this in our yes right now. His name is Clint Smith.
• 53:24
  He's a fantastic writer, and he wrote a book a few years ago about how we talk about slavery throughout the South called "How the Word Is Passed." And they just came out with a...
• 53:35
  He worked with a woman, oh, I'm totally forgetting. Sonia. I'll put it in the show notes. They just came out with a young readers edition literally last week.
• 53:42
  I bought 20 copies, giving them out at the schools, because it's really important these kids understand it, right? Not just that it happened, obviously, but how we talk.
• 53:51
  But Clint also writes for The Atlantic, and he wrote a post a few years ago, 2022, '23, "Revisited German," 'cause it was after "How the Word Is Passed," and he talked about he wanted to understand how they still, both over the past 80 years, but still now, actively remember both the Holocaust and the many roles Germans played in it.
• 54:16
  One of which is, and it's been recorded a thousand times, but he talks it very eloquently, the neighbors who watched people get marched off. Mm-hmm. They didn't march people off, right? They didn't phone them in.
• 54:30
  They didn't do any of that stuff. But they did look out the window and watch them get marched off.
• 54:33
  And you can say that's not a very apt comparison, but when there's paratroopers coming into Chicago fucking apartment buildings to take kids from their moms or moms from their kids, pick your fucking poison,
• 54:43
  we're now in the same territory. And so I would put it this way.
• 54:48
  Now, this is what I used to do obnoxiously to a lot of people, but look where we are now to people in LA who were fine and didn't show up for things, and now here we are. You know if you're showing up. So if the lady
• 55:02
  who walks people to the fucking, watch children to their bus stop, which should be a very safe place-If it's bothering you that she's yelling at you, it might just be because it does seem performative, and I get that.
• 55:13
  But I think you also know if you're showing up. And by the way, we built a whole app so the- if you are only comfortable showing up in your sweatpants at midnight by donating to the, one of these rigorously
• 55:24
  researched places where other people do show up with their bodies 'cause they can or they're able or whatever it is, fine. I don't fucking care.
• 55:31
  If you're doing it for a tax credit, I don't fucking care 'cause we'll take it. We'll take the dough, you know? Yeah. But I think we're at the point where, again, it's like my rule to my kids, try your hardest.
• 55:41
  You know if you're showing up in this moment. Mm-hmm. And good news, you can go to whatcanido.earth, or you can go to Claire's link and contribute and fucking show up.
• 55:49
  And you can either do that privately or publicly, but you know.
• 55:52
  And it doesn't take a lot 'cause there's bus stops throughout the fucking country where you can just show up and be like, "I'm just hanging out, I'm having my coffee, and I'm gonna talk to some parents." Yeah.
• 55:59
  Or parents who can't be there 'cause they're working hourly jobs and they gotta be there at 6:00 AM.
• 56:03
  Well, I was telling my friend, I was like, I think part of what's maybe would be take the sting off this messaging is if the woman said, "Join me." Sure. Totally. "This is how you can do this." You know?
• 56:11
  And- And by the way, I also understand why she's angry. Do you need to do it? No. Did it help some people? Maybe. But yes, the words join me would be great. Find a bus stop near you. It's not complicated.
• 56:20
  Look down the fucking street. Yeah. Yeah. The narrative is so important.
• 56:22
  The-- My friend Melissa, her name is Melissa Walker, and I've known her for pre-kids, pre-everything, and she's so good at telling me a story, basically, which is so important.
• 56:32
  She was like, "Yo, can you do some fundraising for Virginia?" And I said, "I'm really not into it. I'm really not feeling good right now." And I was like, "And I know I'm not the only one, so, like, what's the story?"
• 56:43
  Sure. "Why now?" And she's so good at that about... And acknowledging all the human feelings instead of just being like, "You gotta have faith," you know, or whatever. Like, we gotta, this works.
• 56:52
  But also you feel good to do something, you know? But, um- Feels good. Yeah. And again, it doesn't really matter. That's why, you know, we have, a-again, not to keep pimping it, but that's the part.
• 57:00
  But we sometimes bring into this show, not very often, but we sometimes do, sometimes indirectly, directly.
• 57:05
  I said to somebody else the other day, I said, "My secret hope for this show is that sometimes once in a mile, people will realize, even if they just stop at realizing, that they give a shit about other people's kids, too."
• 57:16
  And maybe you simply do not have the time, not right now, Sal, to actually even think about that, even if you do, much less to put it in practice, but now's the time to put it in practice. And we try to make it easy.
• 57:26
  W-we-- you can literally say, "I wanna volunteer." Great. Here's how you can show up with your body. Yeah. Or you're a coder or an accountant. I don't give a fuck. Give something you can add.
• 57:35
  Or it's just donating or learning whatever about the rights o-of what these people have. There's a lot of ways to show up.
• 57:41
  There's a lot of ways to help kids and moms and parents or m-people who are moms that didn't wanna be moms. There's all the different fucking things.
• 57:49
  But if it's just contributing to your state's Project Link from afar because in 2019, Virginia gave four hundred thousand people who had never had health insurance, and now they wanna make it go away, you can actually stop that.
• 58:01
  Mm-hmm. You can stop it from happening. Congratulations. Yeah. Like, it's pretty great. Yeah. It's pretty great. Yeah.
• 58:06
  It definitely feels good, and it, like, especially after, again, I still feel like the-- I remember the, what's the word? Impotent feeling after, you know, door-knocking for Hillary.
• 58:17
  And I think that's a burn, you know what I mean? You feel like, "We're gonna do this," and you're like, "What do you mean that, that added up to nothing?" Like, we really thought we were doing something.
• 58:24
  But again, my friend Melissa told me, she's like... 'Cause I forget what election. There's one that we worked on that we didn't win.
• 58:30
  Daniel Squadron, who's one of the leaders of States Project, was saying, like, to, "You have to lose to win." Yep. "This is not just, like, one-and-done thing.
• 58:37
  You know, you don't understand winning if you haven't lost, so, um-" The number of groups that do really amazing work that came out of Hillary getting smoked, you know, culturally, electorally, all the things, have done incredible work.
• 58:50
  And does that mean we've won? No. But it would be a lot worse, to be clear. Yeah. And yeah, you gotta lose. I mean, you gotta lose. And it sucks, and a lot of people get hurt from that- Mm...
• 59:01
  for sure, but we can't just watch people get marched off. Not gonna do it. One thing, I was talking to Dan Oshinsky, who is, like, my newsletter boss/guru. So tall. He was- Yep. [laughs] Love how tall he is.
• 59:13
  He's taller than Giannis. But we were talking about, like, how I do this other newsletter now about local things, and I was saying how I feel like in some ways it's not as sexy as Evil Witches.
• 59:21
  Like, it's not as personal. But on the other hand, I'm so thankful that I have an official reason to be way more knowledgeable at how our school board works at our- Yeah...
• 59:29
  or doesn't work in my town and realizing, being much more in tune with how special ed works or doesn't work in our town, and I'm really thankful that I have that reason 'cause our kids are in Catholic school, so we're out of the drama for now, you know?
• 59:42
  But that doesn't mean I shouldn't be aware of the drama 'cause the, these are the kids in our neighborhood, you know? And these are my friends' kids.
• 59:48
  So anyway, I guess if someone's listening and it's, "What else should I do?" Sign up for your local paper. Just read your local news.
• 59:53
  You know, especially if you are like me and you still continue to k- like, I have such a problem with self-harm in terms of reading the comments of conservative publications to I don't know what, just to confirm that, you know, there's people out there who are like, "Why won't J.B.
• 1:00:10
  Pritzker let Trump come in and solve all the crime? Is it 'cause he's so fat?" And you're like, "I'm gonna kill all of y-" You know, that's when the murder, the impractical murder creeps in.
• 1:00:19
  By the way, it's really funny to me when Trump supporters point out that J.B. Pritzker is fat. I just like- I'm like- I'm like, "You can't call him that." [laughs] What?
• 1:00:29
  You know, it's like saying his skin tone is off or something. But we're not doing fat criticism- Nope... no matter what. Well- These fucking people. I hope folks take, you know, what's the Gandalf quote to Frodo?
• 1:00:43
  "These are the times we're in. Sorry, I know you weren't, didn't wanna be born with it." And then there's the other one that you see sometimes. "Never apologize for raising" whatever.
• 1:00:51
  What is it, like, dragon tamers in the time of dragons? Or, like, whatever. Here's where we are. Like, I don't know what the fuck to do. Mm-hmm.
• 1:00:55
  And, you know, that's where we are, so I hope you take it away as, like, you're here, do something positive, because there's- Wanna hear-... opportunity everywhere.Do you wanna hear something depressing? Sure. I,
• 1:01:05
  we, we get an email, but also random. Like we got an email from school warning, giving us a heads-up that they were gonna have a lockdown drill at the school, and they always tell us how that'll go. Mm-hmm.
• 1:01:14
  And I mentioned it to my kid, and he said, "I hate lockdown drills." And I said, "What do you hate about it so much?"
• 1:01:20
  I mean, I know the answer, but I was like curious about whether it was like, you know, the fear or if it's just like a drag to do. I was like, "What, you know, what do you hate about the lockdown drills?"
• 1:01:29
  And he was like, "You know." And I was like, "I don't know because we didn't do that when I was in your school, or when I was in school 'cause that wasn't an issue." There was one- Yeah...
• 1:01:37
  school shooter who was very famous, named Laurie Dann, hyper local, but like we never did... We did tornado drills and fire drills, and that was it. So I was like, "Boy am I lucky that we never had to deal with that."
• 1:01:48
  So yeah. We were truly like the, the middle of the Oreo. Like our parents did nuke blastss, which was like- Oh... hide under your desk. Good luck. I know. So sad. And, and now this. Yeah.
• 1:01:58
  I'll tell you an uplifting, a very short version one of those. Good buddy. Yes. His daughter was doing them, and she told him the same story. "We had to do a lockdown drill today." And same thing.
• 1:02:07
  We're all just overwhelmed with... I wish... The root feeling I think for a lot of us is I really fucking wish you didn't have to do that, right? Mm-hmm.
• 1:02:14
  And then you gotta kinda go through it and this and that, and she said to him, she goes, "One of my, a girl I have a crush on held my hand during the drill." Okay. [laughs] And he was so just excited.
• 1:02:26
  She was, I don't know, sixth grade or some- Oh... something like that, and that's it. And that's what she took out of it, and he was like, "That's what I'm gonna think about. I'll take that all day."
• 1:02:34
  So- The boners we had along the way. The boners we had along the way. Anyways, well, great. This is a great one. You apparently had a victory over fake spiderwebs.
• 1:02:43
  Claire, what are you gonna be for Halloween before we get out of here? Oh, I have a poncho that is... Actually, I was... I have a poncho that is like spooky, so I'll probably wear that.
• 1:02:51
  I was thinking about dressing as one of my kids for Halloween actually, and just wearing like a stained hoodie and pajama pants and dirty Crocs and seeing if that'll fly at all.
• 1:03:00
  But yeah, as you know, we got TP'd recently, which we asked for, and we're still picking up the paper. And Steve loves decorating for Halloween. You know, fine.
• 1:03:12
  You know, just like being so fun, you know, and then cutting to like weeks later being like can you drag all that shit back inside? Oh.
• 1:03:19
  Anyway, I asked him, I said, "Can we, since we covered our house in toilet paper, can we take a year off from the cobwebs, the fake cobwebs?" And he said, "Sure."
• 1:03:29
  And then he tried to push back a little bit, but I was like, "Y- we already agreed. We already said it." So he's like, "I always take the cobwebs down."
• 1:03:36
  I'm like, "It's not you cleaning up, but just a matter of like voluntarily putting garbage around our house, you know?" So anyway, maybe I scored a victory against one form of garbage outside the house.
• 1:03:47
  Let me ask you a question. Do you think there will still be fake spider webs? We'll see. I don't think it's much to ask.
• 1:03:52
  It's just funny 'cause Steve is like on the one hand grew up camping, and he loves hiking, and he's one of those people who like makes the kids shush when they are r- running down a path screaming, you know, because God forbid you're not silent in the woods.
• 1:04:05
  But at the same time, he like does not mind putting a lot of shit out front of our house, and like buying more and more skeletons and, you know.
• 1:04:13
  And since he's a director he l- gets the fog machine out and the lights out- Sure, as you do... and things like that. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
• 1:04:19
  So anyway, yeah, Paul is gonna be allegedly one of the Daft Punk guys, and Jane's gonna be a football player for the fifth year in a row, god knows. What's going on? Is Charlotte doing K-pop demon hunters?
• 1:04:30
  What are the kids gonna do? No, she's doing, I don't know, something with a couple friends. I didn't pay a lot att- Honestly, same thing. I need a minute this year, you know? Mm-hmm. I don't fucking know.
• 1:04:39
  12-year-old is like, he mentioned something I've never heard of. Great, don't care. Haven't had a chance to even talk to our youngest about it. Who can know?
• 1:04:46
  I realized I put my Glinda and Elphaba costumes into our storage unit somewhere, so those are... W- we have a blanket rule, nothing's coming out of those things- Oh... until they need to come out.
• 1:04:57
  So I gotta figure it out. Yeah, I don't really know. I don't really know. I bet you'll have s- ways.
• 1:05:02
  I'm sure they're gonna turn the movie into a different musical, and then they're gonna turn that musical into a TV special- Oh, I'm definitely-... and then a movie on that... gonna do it for the rest of my life.
• 1:05:10
  Rest of my- Yeah, there's gonna be more than those. But here's a spooky story.
• 1:05:12
  And I mean, I don't mean to be irreverent, but the boys saw their first dead body last weekend because we went to the wake for this woman, Lisa, who passed away, and I did not...
• 1:05:22
  It was a weird social navigation of are we doing a funeral and wake? And now the kids have to go to, Paul has to go to mass once a week to get con- confirmed 'cause we're Catholic, 'cause we're stupid.
• 1:05:32
  And I was like, "Well, this woman was young. She had a big family. Let's not put our bodies in the church. I bet there's more people who wanna sit there, so we'll just go to the wake."
• 1:05:41
  And I didn't mention open caskets to the kids 'cause I didn't know if that was gonna be a thing or not, and I didn't wanna get them thinking about it.
• 1:05:46
  So they got a, like a sort of jump scare with, you know, first dead body, and James kept saying, "She looks like she's sleeping."
• 1:05:53
  And I said, "Well, you should compliment the mortician because that meant that they did a really good job with her makeup and stuff."
• 1:06:00
  And he kept, he said a couple times, and I don't know if he was joking or not, that he thought she was gonna wake up or that he saw her moving. And I kind of was like, "Shut the fuck up."
• 1:06:10
  Also, like, I didn't know what he had to say about it. But long story short, nobody said a peep after onwards about it. We were ready for nightmares, like lots of questions, lots of thoughts.
• 1:06:20
  No one said anything about it after all this, so I guess it went quite well. So good news there that kids saw their first dead body and did not bother us about it, so that's a win. Yeah, great.
• 1:06:33
  Either they re- handled it really well, or they're just shoving it down with everything else, with their shooter drills- Yes... and all the stuff. Well, it's really, again, the performative...
• 1:06:43
  The performance of grief is very interesting 'cause like we, you know, as a school and as a class wanna surround this family with love, but Paul's also new-ish to the school, and he's not that close friends with his kids.
• 1:06:54
  So you're like where do we slot into things? You don't wanna be insincere and be like all of a sudden, "Hey, Miles, we've never talked in our lives.
• 1:07:01
  Do you wanna come have a play date that's related to this tragic death?" You know? I was gonna ask you anyways before- Yeah... yeah. Yeah.
• 1:07:08
  And I think there's a rush to be the front of the line of being a helper and being seen as a helper, but for better or worse with death, you're like, "It's gonna be a long haul.
• 1:07:15
  He's gonna need friends at Christmas time and graduation." And so yeah, and I kept trying to be likeDo you guys wanna talk about this? No? Okay. Well, I guess that's fine.
• 1:07:26
  I don't really prefer to, but also I don't know if we should be talking more about death, but it hasn't come up, so not recently.
• 1:07:33
  So Paul asked me last night if we could have a little snuggle time before he goes to bed tonight, and I said absolutely.
• 1:07:38
  So I don't know if that's just, if that's at all related to the death in the school family or if he just likes being cozy. It could literally just be about erections. It could be anything.
• 1:07:48
  You brought that up, so you find the next transition then. Have you- Is there a segue from erections? I don't think so, ever. Have you talked yet about jerking off best practices? No. I mean, we've talked around it.
• 1:08:00
  I'm trying not to be too... I don't wanna scare the deer off, you know? I don't wanna be too proactive, but I'm trying to lay the ground of it's an open conversation as much as possible.
• 1:08:11
  I did recommend to him, and I think he actually read some of, I think we talked about the This Is Awkward adolescence book, 'cause there's some good stuff in there about that.
• 1:08:18
  I know he reread part of the part about fucking acne the other day, 'cause he was like- Oh... "Oh, that's right, I don't, I, I know what I can do and what I can't and why." I was like, "Yeah, just do that.
• 1:08:26
  I'm just gonna tell you things out of that, so you just do that." But no, we haven't talked best practices yet. Yeah, just don't do it dry. [laughs] God, I, I can't speak to that.
• 1:08:35
  I kinda want Steve to say, "You do you, but make it unknown." I don't wanna find evidence. That's all I really would like. Yeah, don't make it somebody else's problem. Don't do it in public. Don't do it dry. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:08:46
  It's picking your nose. We all do it, just please don't make anyone else look at it or see the res- Yeah. It can be very healthy, but yeah, don't make it somebody else's problem, man.
• 1:08:54
  I don't have a daughter, and I always thought if I did, would I talk to her about jerking off? 'Cause no one ever talked to me about it, and, uh- About girls doing it or guys doing it? Girls doing it. Uh-huh.
• 1:09:04
  And I was like, I think if I had a daughter, I would have to talk to her about it. But that, how do you do that without being like, "Let's go to the sex toy shop, and I'll destroy you forever"?
• 1:09:12
  But anyway, that's someone else's discussion and not mine. You know, there was a show on for a little while, two seasons, three seasons, that a good friend was a costume designer on.
• 1:09:21
  And it is a fantastic show called Pen15. Mm-hmm. Like the penis. And they covered that. And it's great. That show is fantastic. Amazing premise. Well, I hope someone out there is doing it. Someone. I hope somebody is.
• 1:09:34
  Jesus, yeah. [upbeat music] That's it for this week. You're gonna make it. You're doing great.
• 1:09:50
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• 1:09:59
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• 1:10:05
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• 1:10:14
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• 1:10:25
  [upbeat music]