Latest / The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast / Lonely in the Fast Lane

Transcript

Lonely in the Fast Lane · The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello, friends. Yeah. Oh, that's my turn signal. I know. Listen, nobody likes me.
• 0:05
  Like, seriously, nobody, nobody fucking likes me. And that's okay.
• 0:09
  That's all right. I'm okay with it.
• 0:11
  Where do I start? You know, like, my mom almost died again.
• 0:14
  Don't worry, she's home again. She's on oxygen now. So that's,
• 0:17
  that's fun. That's, that's really fun.
• 0:19
  I, I don't know how to explain this level of anxiety and stress to anyone, really.
• 0:27
  I'm not okay. I'm not doing well. But don't worry.
• 0:32
  The sun will come out tomorrow, right? Everything's fine. Just keep swimming.
• 0:36
  Just keep swimming. And you know what? Maybe I fantasize about winning the lottery
• 0:40
  and getting my mom a nice little nurse, and I just like fucking fly far,
• 0:44
  far away like Jenny from Forrest gump. I just want to go so far away from my
• 0:48
  actual life. That's fine. Don't worry, guys.
• 0:51
  Don't worry. I'm going to just, you know what? I'm going to skip the mom stuff
• 0:53
  because like overall she's okay.
• 0:56
  And I did go to her house the day that we called the ambulance and she had taken
• 1:00
  two Tylenol. So she was fine.
• 1:04
  She wasn't fine. She wasn't fine at all. She was not so far from fine. It was really amazing.
• 1:09
  And they put her on 12 liters of oxygen when she got to the hospital.
• 1:13
  That's how not fine she was, but don't worry.
• 1:15
  She had taken the Tylenol. I was just overreacting. And someday I'll tell that
• 1:20
  whole story, but it's not going to be today. Today I want to just talk about dumb shit.
• 1:24
  And I will. And I will. I put up a Facebook post on my neighborhood page saying,
• 1:29
  hey, I'll fix your lawnmower for free because I'm a sad, old,
• 1:33
  bald lady who wants to learn a new skill.
• 1:36
  And yeah, people jumped on that. But you know, they don't give me their nice
• 1:38
  shit because who would? For all they know, I'm going to steal it.
• 1:43
  Right. Like who in their right mind would do that? But whatever.
• 1:46
  I had this one lady. Long story short, it was her coil. She had no spark.
• 1:51
  It took me a long time to figure it out Because I'm dumb And yeah She comes
• 1:56
  to pick it up And I'm like your oil was very very dark And she's like oh okay,
• 2:02
  And I said so like you know,
• 2:05
  you should empty your gas tank. And I took a breath in and she goes,
• 2:10
  actually, my husband prefers fuel stabilizer.
• 2:14
  And keep in mind, you know, I had spent a few hours on this fucking machine
• 2:17
  and she was missing a spring and she's lucky I didn't get it started because
• 2:21
  that spring regulates how fast or how slow your engine is moving.
• 2:25
  And it would have, with the oil and the condition it was in,
• 2:28
  and if it went at top speed, that whole fucking engine would have blown up.
• 2:31
  So she's lucky I was smart enough to look for the spring.
• 2:34
  And then I had to drive 40 minutes round trip to get that fucking spring.
• 2:39
  And then I had to track down a used coil for her because I didn't want her to
• 2:42
  have to spend the $30 on the one on Amazon that I knew was going to be a piece of shit.
• 2:46
  So then I had to drive another, I'm going to say 25 minutes round trip to go
• 2:49
  pick up that used coil. But I did get to meet an 80 year old Asian man who was
• 2:52
  really funny and interesting. So that was cool.
• 2:54
  So when when she had said well actually to me i felt,
• 2:59
  this rage come over me because it's like oh yeah oh your husband likes fuel
• 3:03
  stabilizer oh okay well where the fuck is he,
• 3:07
  yeah that's right because he didn't come did he no he sent his 60 year old wife
• 3:12
  to lift a fucking lawnmower into a car with another woman is that sexist i don't know
• 3:17
  i i just think maybe he didn't want to face that a woman could fix something
• 3:20
  that he couldn't because he was too fucking stupid but make sure you change the spark plug.
• 3:24
  Just never, ever change the oil, you fucking loser. Sorry. I don't even know.
• 3:27
  This is like the most lesbian I've ever been about anything in my life, okay?
• 3:31
  Yeah, and you know, maybe he's in a wheelchair or something.
• 3:34
  Maybe that's why. But I choose to believe he just didn't want to come pick it
• 3:37
  up because he didn't want to look me in the eye.
• 3:39
  Like, all they had to do would be like, oh, she's a lesbian.
• 3:41
  Okay, well, that makes sense. There's no insult to your manhood here,
• 3:43
  okay? Anyway, just, but when she said that to me and I thought about every fucking
• 3:47
  step I had gone through to get to the point where I could fix this fucking thing
• 3:50
  that isn't even worth 20 fucking dollars.
• 3:53
  And then she's like, well, actually, oh, okay. And then I was like, well, my point was...
• 3:58
  Because I had had it at that point, that you should empty out the gas tank so
• 4:01
  when you tip it over to change the oil, it doesn't flood your engine. Okay?
• 4:06
  All right. Well, thank you so much. Hope you have a great day,
• 4:08
  you fucking asshole. Sorry. I know, right? Like, I have a serious problem. I think, I think, yeah.
• 4:14
  I think, yeah. Okay. And that's it. You know, I can really use some thoughts and prayers.
• 4:20
  Here's my last story, okay? This is not good. None of this is good or positive
• 4:23
  or happy or anything. I just I'm in a like I'm in a very 2026 mode like fucking
• 4:29
  Dolly Parton died. Are you fucking kidding me?
• 4:32
  Why? Like Donald Trump should be the next 80 something year old that dies.
• 4:38
  I just cannot fucking believe it. Dolly Parton, she doesn't get to live to be
• 4:41
  100. Get the fuck out of here.
• 4:44
  So sad. Anyway, I have this group of friends that I grew up with since we were
• 4:48
  14 and we like I just I've been at the bottom of every fucking friend group I have ever been in,
• 4:57
  and I understand why okay I I have trouble controlling my face and if my friends
• 5:04
  who I think have made really stupid,
• 5:08
  decisions in their lives sometimes like not career-wise but.
• 5:13
  Just as people, they just date partners. And I'm just like, wow,
• 5:17
  you chose this guy out of all of the men in all of the world,
• 5:20
  this guy who is controlling and abusive and manipulative and lies.
• 5:25
  This is the one. And then, you know, endless, endless chats about why this guy sucks.
• 5:30
  She's like, yeah, he saw hookers while we were dating. It's like,
• 5:33
  but he only got blowjobs. So it's okay because he can't get an STD that way.
• 5:37
  And I'm just like, I, I don't know what, how do you help somebody like that.
• 5:42
  They just, they want to be where they are and you kind of just got to let them sometimes.
• 5:47
  Yeah, just drive. Yeah, that's a green light. Green means go.
• 5:51
  Holy fucking shit. And I can't even talk shit because I'm on my fucking phone
• 5:55
  illegally with you cunts. Okay.
• 5:57
  Anyway, so this group of friends, I don't know, like if ever there was someone
• 6:01
  cut out or someone who wasn't invited or more commonly was invited at the very
• 6:06
  last minute when who she actually wanted to go with was unavailable,
• 6:10
  it was me. And that's okay. I didn't know any better.
• 6:13
  I thought at that age that chasing was friendship and I didn't realize that
• 6:19
  real friends, people that actually care about you and like you,
• 6:22
  make themselves available and they will text you first and check on you and show concern.
• 6:27
  Things like that. So I'd rather have two friends that actually like me than
• 6:33
  the 30 friends I had before that don't give a shit. That was always me texting
• 6:37
  first and calling first and making arrangements and paying for everything.
• 6:40
  Like, I'm not doing that anymore.
• 6:42
  I haven't for a very long time. And this sprint, back way back when.
• 6:46
  In 2011, I had just found out I was pregnant.
• 6:49
  I hit that three-month mark, and I was so excited to share the news with my friends.
• 6:54
  Okay, so we're at this restaurant. My one friend shows up and I'm like,
• 6:56
  great. And my other friend, this one that I'm currently talking about,
• 6:59
  who I'm going to just not even fake name because I'm really sad and angry about it.
• 7:04
  She doesn't show up. Why? Why? Because she currently at that point,
• 7:08
  I think was addicted to cocaine and she was dating some fucking loser and she just didn't come.
• 7:14
  She didn't call. We sat there and eventually the restaurant's like,
• 7:17
  hey, we're going to close in a half hour. So if you guys want to eat, you need to order now.
• 7:21
  We sat there for, I don't know, two and a half hours waiting for her. She didn't come.
• 7:25
  I didn't get to share my good news with her. She just followed around some fucking
• 7:29
  cokehead loser looking for coke.
• 7:31
  And her son, who was probably 12 at the time, calls me super upset.
• 7:35
  He sounded like he was crying looking for his mom because he couldn't find her
• 7:38
  and he thought she would be with me.
• 7:41
  Okay, right? You know, everybody makes mistakes, things of that nature.
• 7:44
  And I, I just cut her off like, and out of respect for her mom,
• 7:49
  because her mom called me, she's like, listen, I really need someone who's a
• 7:52
  positive influence in her life. Like that's, that's how fucked she was.
• 7:55
  Like I was a positive influence. Am I right? Holy fuck.
• 7:58
  So I'm like, okay, I owe her mom a favor. Her mom was really nice to me.
• 8:02
  She like welcomed me into her house. Like I was one of her own.
• 8:05
  She was so kind so generous and like okay so I did you know and things got better
• 8:10
  for her she got she kicked the habit all that stuff but I told myself I'm not.
• 8:17
  Fostering this friendship like however it goes I'm not texting first or calling
• 8:22
  first ever again and I didn't and we only really saw each other every two or
• 8:27
  three years so I guess at those points she had done something else fucking stupid,
• 8:32
  like she dated her sister's ex-boyfriend,
• 8:35
  i just think never never ever would i do that and she like moved in with him
• 8:40
  and everything and then guess what he cheated on her just like he cheated on
• 8:43
  her sister like these are fucking crazy decisions to me and i don't like it
• 8:47
  and she slept with our other friend's boyfriend,
• 8:50
  what like i just i don't just i don't agree and don't get me wrong i am not
• 8:55
  perfect okay i am a trash monster i react out of anger like i'm a real piece
• 8:59
  of fucking shit when I get in the mood to be a piece of shit like say
• 9:02
  when my mom's in her in the hospital and my mother-in-law also now recently
• 9:06
  diagnosed with congestive heart failure and she needs help
• 9:09
  and now my mom needs help and my sister's a fucking,
• 9:12
  never mind and I am just getting at it from all sides she asked me to go out
• 9:18
  with them to meet up and the last two or three times she's asked me I have said no I
• 9:23
  I am struggling mentally which have been true at every single point and I don't
• 9:28
  want to go out like I'm sorry I'm having a hard time getting out of bed every single fucking day
• 9:33
  I don't want to go anywhere but my fucking bed,
• 9:37
  okay so she she's like and then she she was like oh okay.
• 9:40
  Nothing else. Just, oh, okay. And then she writes me back a few days later on
• 9:45
  the attack. She's like, what's the matter with you? You never come with us anywhere.
• 9:48
  Even my mom has asked you to come. You never come.
• 9:52
  And I was so fucking fed up with every single thing in my life that I just gave it to her.
• 9:57
  I was like, oh, okay, well, let's clear this up.
• 10:00
  I said, I stopped texting first. I stopped arranging things.
• 10:03
  I stopped paying for everything. And guess what happened? Nothing.
• 10:07
  And I have told you multiple times that I am struggling and you don't ask me
• 10:11
  a single fucking question.
• 10:13
  Not one thing. Not a how are you? How's it going?
• 10:16
  What's going on? Like even just like thoughts and prayers even I would have
• 10:21
  fucking taken as stupid and vapid as that is. At least it would be something.
• 10:25
  And then she's like oh okay sorry I didn't realize I'm struggling too you know. Okay then.
• 10:31
  And I just never wrote back and two weeks went by and yesterday morning still
• 10:35
  at the end of my tether, things have only gotten exponentially worse because
• 10:38
  there's other things going on that I just don't want to talk about.
• 10:41
  But, you know, I'm just not capable of taking anything else on in my life that's
• 10:48
  going to fuck me up. And she writes me.
• 10:50
  And I didn't even read it. I just read a lot of fuck yous and bitches.
• 10:54
  And I was like, not today, man.
• 10:57
  I don't have the capacity for this. So I just archived it. And I'm like.
• 11:02
  Not doing it. And then later on, my other friend from that group,
• 11:07
  she texts me, hi, how are you? And I had posted on Facebook,
• 11:10
  because my mom is an asshole, all right? Like, you know that, and I know that.
• 11:13
  And what happened that morning that she took the two Tylenol,
• 11:17
  and she was fine, but later needed 12 liters of oxygen forced into her body
• 11:21
  through a mask, and almost ended up in the ICU. Don't worry,
• 11:23
  she took the Tylenol, though.
• 11:25
  What had happened that day is I, like, was just running around,
• 11:28
  because that's what I have to do when I go to my mom's house.
• 11:30
  I just run from task to task to task and get as absolutely much done as I can
• 11:34
  in 45 minutes to an hour before I go to work.
• 11:37
  Like, I'm serious when I say I leave there and I am drenched in sweat.
• 11:40
  And I just, I don't even know. It's like she's ordering me around.
• 11:45
  I see shit everywhere that needs cleaning. I just try to focus on what I can do.
• 11:50
  And that's also part of the problem, but whatever. So I wasn't really paying attention to my mom.
• 11:54
  Like, I wasn't. She was in my periphery, but there were so many things I needed
• 11:57
  doing, like her sheets and the floor and the bathroom was a fucking disaster.
• 12:01
  And the kitchen was disgusting and the dishes and the dishwasher needed to be
• 12:05
  unloaded. And I just, I wasn't paying attention. So I started her,
• 12:09
  I had some chuck roast and it was all cut up and I just frying it up,
• 12:12
  getting some sauce going.
• 12:14
  And I texted my sister when I got to work, the one that I haven't talked to
• 12:17
  in a year because I, she stole fucking, I don't know,
• 12:20
  in the end with interest, probably about $50,000 it'll be because it's tacked
• 12:24
  onto the end of my mortgage so instead of retiring mortgage free because I made
• 12:27
  good choices I now will have this,
• 12:30
  mortgage that I'm gonna have to pay on a pension which is only 70% of my income
• 12:34
  like do you see what I'm what I'm doing here like what's happening I'm just,
• 12:38
  I'm drowning okay so I wasn't paying attention but don't worry guys don't worry,
• 12:43
  because I texted her and she actually wrote me back I guess because I wasn't
• 12:46
  inquiring about how the fuck and when the fuck I was gonna get my fucking money back.
• 12:49
  I was like, listen, she looks like shit. She screamed at me.
• 12:52
  I no good, no place. I'm a fine. I take a two down at all. Okay.
• 12:58
  Right. That's going to really help your whole fucking breathing problem, but okay.
• 13:02
  And she's like, okay, I'll head over there. And she's like, I'm going to call
• 13:04
  an ambulance. And I was like, well, thank God, because.
• 13:09
  I don't want to be the bad guy, I guess, but I can identify a problem.
• 13:12
  Anyway, what was going to be her dying statement?
• 13:15
  Okay. They're waiting for the ambulance to come.
• 13:17
  The sauce was ready. They're eating it. And my mom goes, you know,
• 13:20
  she doesn't put enough onions or olive oil in her tomato sauce.
• 13:25
  Like that was going to be her message to me from the grave. It's right up there
• 13:28
  with however many years ago, my cunt sister, the other one who somehow didn't steal $50,000 from me.
• 13:34
  Like if I were to guess which one of them would have stolen money from me,
• 13:37
  it would have been the cunt. But anyway, she was like, I'm in the front of the
• 13:43
  ambulance. I'm going to come with you to the hospital. And my mom said to her
• 13:45
  with what was going to be her dying breath at that time, I don't care about you.
• 13:49
  So yeah, that was our family creed. And it still is really. I'm going to get
• 13:53
  it embroidered on a pillow. I don't care about you.
• 13:56
  That's who I got That's who I have.
• 13:59
  So I posted on Facebook about how those, like, while she's fighting for her
• 14:03
  life, her last words to me, I guess, particularly, or behind my back,
• 14:07
  I should say, is that I don't put enough onions and olive oil in my sauce.
• 14:11
  So even at death's door, she could still somehow criticize my cooking.
• 14:14
  So like, good for her, right? So I turned that into a Facebook post.
• 14:18
  And yeah, okay, so this other friend messaged me, hi, how are you?
• 14:22
  And I thought, oh, like, especially after this terrible interaction with the
• 14:26
  first friend who makes terrible life choices, I'm like, oh, like,
• 14:29
  I was like, that is so nice.
• 14:30
  Like, especially after all this, that someone who I grew up with,
• 14:34
  who I've known for 30 plus years is asking me how I am.
• 14:38
  And I wrote back, oh, you know, I'm struggling, blah, blah, blah.
• 14:40
  She's like, oh, what's going on? And then I'm like, oh, thank you so much for
• 14:43
  asking. Like, wow, someone has taken an interest in me.
• 14:46
  And I wrote back that, you know, like I'm struggling.
• 14:48
  We're sandwiched. We've got kids. We've got old people. Everybody needs something.
• 14:52
  Like everything just fucking sucks. And she's like, oh, well, yeah, that's cool.
• 14:55
  So we have this friend in common and I'm messaging with him on a dating app
• 15:00
  and I just want to see what kind of guy he was.
• 15:02
  And I was like, oh, I wrote back, oh, I thought you were writing me because
• 15:06
  my mom was in the hospital, but you just start chasing dick.
• 15:10
  And I'm like, fuck, am I stupid? And she wrote back, oh, stop being such a twat.
• 15:13
  I didn't even know your mom was in the hospital.
• 15:15
  And I didn't know all of this other stuff because like she's trying to date
• 15:18
  the guy that my niece's sister was married to.
• 15:22
  Like, I know that's a lot to follow and I don't even care if you do or not.
• 15:25
  And she's like, I didn't even know you had a niece. And I was like,
• 15:27
  right. I didn't know your mom was in the hospital.
• 15:30
  Okay. So I go back to my Facebook post because, you know, this is 2026 after
• 15:35
  all. And I scroll down and she wrote on my post that she claims to not know
• 15:40
  anything about, your mom will outlive us all.
• 15:43
  So like, is it is or is it ain't? You know, like why?
• 15:47
  But like, what is wrong with me that I attract these people? Like, it's one thing...
• 15:53
  To attract them at 14. But still, even in my adulthood, they try.
• 15:57
  They try to get in, and I just shut them out. Like, and sometimes,
• 16:01
  you know, you don't realize someone's an asshole until many years in,
• 16:04
  and you're like, wait a minute, why is this person wanting me to change every
• 16:07
  fucking last thing about myself?
• 16:10
  I don't want that. If you don't like me, you just don't like me.
• 16:12
  Don't try to mold me into something else. Like, no thank you.
• 16:16
  As you were. Enjoy. Go find your next fucking victim.
• 16:19
  What is the point of any of this? Nothing. It's nothing. It's just that I feel
• 16:22
  like shit. I have two friends, but I love those friends. Sugar is one of them.
• 16:27
  And, you know, she texted me and she asked how I'm doing. And repeatedly,
• 16:31
  every day, she checks in on me.
• 16:33
  And that's, is that too much to ask? Like, is that weird?
• 16:37
  I feel like that is just like the basic common level of decency to show other people.
• 16:45
  I'm not saying come over and let's like have an international coffee and talk
• 16:49
  about it. I just like, hey, you okay?
• 16:52
  What's going on today? How's it going? Anything like that. You don't have to,
• 16:55
  we don't have to hang out.
• 16:56
  Just like a tiny little modicum of kindness. Like what the fuck?
• 17:01
  Anyway, so that's where I'm at.
• 17:04
  I don't even know why anyone would listen to this. And yeah,
• 17:08
  but on the bright side, I have maybe, maybe 20 good years left.
• 17:11
  So that's kind of nice to think about.
• 17:13
  So get that over with pretty soon. If I'm lucky, I mean, I could get hit by a bus today.
• 17:17
  This could be me from the grave, for all you fucking know. Okay,
• 17:20
  I'm going now. I'm just going to go be sad and pathetic by myself,
• 17:23
  and I hope you have a great day.
• 17:25
  And yeah, this is pretty bad. Not having any fun.
• 17:30
  Not having any fun. And if I think I'm going to get my period and these perimenopause
• 17:33
  periods, man, the hormones, holy shit.
• 17:37
  Anyway. All right. Well, bye. Wish I had something more uplifting. I don't.
• 17:43
  Okay. Take care. Text your old friends. See how they're doing.
• 17:47
  Not just because you want to find out about a guy. Just because you're a nice
• 17:50
  person. Okay. Love you. Bye. Bye. Call me later. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.