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Healing the Inner Child · Trauma Free Relationship

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Welcome back to Trauma Free Relationship.
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Today we're exploring one of the deepest parts of healing after
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relational or attachment trauma, and that is reconnecting with
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our inner child. Now remember, relational trauma
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isn't just about what happened to you, it's also what didn't
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happen. And the inner child, it's sort
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of the emotional part of you that carries early memories of
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those unmet needs and the longings for safety, love, and
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belonging. Now, by the end of this episode,
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you'll understand how attachment shapes our inner child.
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You will understand your inner child how it may need healing
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and what are signs that show up that indicate it needs some
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healing and how to begin connecting and healing in a
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Safeway your inner child. Welcome to trauma free
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relationship. I'm your host, Tom Philp and
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I've been working for years with adults who struggle with
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relational trauma to regain trust in themselves and others
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so that they can experience a safe and secure relationship.
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Let's get started. OK, As we talked about in the
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opening, we're going to talk about healing the inner child
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today. And this is something that in
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all honesty, the phrase inner child I've struggled with for a
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long time. That to me has just felt like a
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silly phrase. Others of you may not it, it
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may, it may feel like a really warm and and gentle and caring
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phrase, But to me, I've always felt like that's kind of a I'm,
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I'm an adult. I'm not a child anymore.
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And and maybe it was even just part of my own way of trying to
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distance myself from some of those hurts as a child, but that
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was never a what felt like a warm and inviting phrase to me.
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So I just want to throw that out there that the phrase inner
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child itself I've struggled with for a long time.
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Probably even part of why I didn't even create a podcast
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called Healing the Inner Child for a long time.
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But I'm, I'm coming to terms with it.
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I'm grappling and I just began to realize that, you know,
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regardless of the phrase, what I absolutely do believe is there
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are parts of us that feel childlike.
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There are parts of us due to trauma that tend to be frozen in
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more of a childlike state or at a particular age sometimes when
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that trauma occurred or series of trauma, since we're talking
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about relational attachment trauma.
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So I absolutely believe in that aspect of it, that there are
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immature parts of us and when they get triggered, we do act
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and feel in a more childlike state.
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I think one of the best examples I can give you is when I was
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going to my high school reunion. This was my 20th high school
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reunion and it was quite a few years ago, but I remember
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showing up and being around all these people and I remember
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feeling like that same insecure child that I was in high school.
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And, and it was weird because I, you know, been out of high
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school 20 years. I've been around the sun a few
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times, accomplished a few things, was doing fine in life,
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so to speak, by by outward measures.
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And yet I got around the same group of people.
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And what I noticed is that it sort of triggered that inner
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child part of me, in this particular case, adolescent part
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of me. But it very much made me feel
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like that same sort of insecure kid who was trying to find his
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way and find his community and and measure up.
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So that I absolutely do believe that there are parts of this
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that kind of stay stuck or frozen.
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Sometimes in time that can be and appear more childlike.
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I know my wife would certainly say that when I get around a
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certain group of friends, I do tend to regress by about 30
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years and act more like an, an, an adolescent.
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So I definitely can tell you that much that there's a certain
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group of buddies that I get around that they bring more of
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that stupid, silly adolescent side out of me.
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And we all end up, you know, appearing like we are in in high
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school again or junior high even as opposed to being the adults
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that we are now. So I, I just want to throw that
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out there that this might be a nice healing phrase for you.
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Or you might struggle with the phrase inner child like I have.
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Let's pivot for a moment and talk about what is this inner
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child? How do we look at this through
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the lens of attachment? And so in other words, how does
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our early caregivers shape that inner child's sense of safety
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and self worth and trust? And what happens is when we're
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growing up and, and from ages zero to 18, let's say, if we are
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growing up in a environment that is good enough, then what that
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means is that we are allowed to explore our feelings.
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There's space that's given to us to show up, sometimes in the
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wrong ways. Sometimes we have meltdowns when
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we're toddlers. Sometimes we get very verbally,
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we talked back a lot maybe in our our adolescent years to our
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parents, but there is a cushion there.
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There's a space for us to show up and explore and express
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ourselves that feels somewhat authentic to where we are at the
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time. And what happens is our our
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caregivers are providing us a sense of attunement.
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They're providing us a sense of safety and they're providing us
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a sense of security for all of those places in us.
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All of those feelings, all of those needs to be able to
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express themselves. If we don't grow up in an
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environment that is good enough, then there are restrictions
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around that. So, for example, maybe in an
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environment you grew up in, there was a restriction around
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expressing anything negative. Oh, in this family, we just
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don't talk about negative things.
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Oh, we don't talk about what happened to Uncle Joe years ago.
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That's, that's, that's just a myth In this family.
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We don't really acknowledge that.
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Oh, we don't talk about the death of your father when you
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were five years old. We just don't talk about that.
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So there are restrictions around how we can grow and learn and
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explore our own emotional life. And how do you explore your own
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emotions? How do you use them in the
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service of creating your own sense as a guide in the world
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when your environment restricts that for you and it gives you
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messages that that's not allowed?
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And so when that happens, there are parts of us that can stay
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frozen in time. There are parts of us that can
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stay stuck around the times where these things might have
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occurred. Maybe there was a period of time
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where a stepfather entered into the picture, and from the ages
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of seven to 10, that stepfather was extremely intimidating,
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really suppressed your ability to be able to express yourself,
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dominated your mother in a way where you feel like you lost
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access. And so for three years, while
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they were together and while this man was in your home, you
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felt completely abandoned and rejected by your mother.
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And there was no safe space for you to be able to express that.
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Now I'm just making this up. It certainly could have really
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happened, but I'm not referencing anything in
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particular. But I I can see a scenario where
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there was a period of time and a part of you that might stay
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stuck in that. So the the inner child of, say,
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for example, the anxiously attached often feels fear of
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abandonment and unworthiness, whereas the avoidantly attached
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inner child learn to shut down their needs to avoid rejection.
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So what we do is we take these parts of ourselves and we turn
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off their attachment longings because there was nobody there
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at that time that was able to be responsive to those needs.
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And of course, the disorganized inner child feels both.
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They feel drawn to and afraid of connection, so they tend to wax
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and wane, wobble back and forth. I need you.
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I'm desperate for you in this moment.
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I can't. I can't accept this because you
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didn't show it from the way I needed.
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Now I'm rejecting you. And so we can see that a lot
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back and forth. What are some signs that your
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inner child may need some healing?
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Well, first of all, you might have some emotional flashbacks,
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right? So some disproportionate
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sadness, fear or shame feelings can come up for you that are
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often flashbacks. Flashbacks don't always have to
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be visuals. They can certainly be emotional
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flat back flashbacks. All of a sudden a part of you
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feels really strange, right? Like I said this, this
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disproportionate sadness or fear or shame comes over you that
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that's not quite in keeping with the situation right now.
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If you're having a conversation with your partner and
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everything's going fine, but all of a sudden your partner uses a
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word or a phrase or a tone and next thing you know, feelings of
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shame come up for you, that's a disproportionate reaction to the
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situation. Unless of course, they've said
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something that that was like a complete put down or contempt or
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something like that. I'm, I'm not, I know there's
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1000 exceptions I could say here, but what I'm talking about
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is everything typically is fine in that conversation that all of
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a sudden something becomes a trigger for you.
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That's a pretty good sign that there may be an inner child that
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needs some healing, a part of you that got triggered, that may
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go back to a time in your past when you struggled with being a
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able to express yourself and, and have an environment that was
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open and accepting of you. Another one is harsh shelf talk.
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So this is definitely one that I see a lot where people will come
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in and they just have a really, really difficult inner critic.
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And I mean, that inner critic just beats the crap out of them
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all the time. And that often can come and
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derive from the internalization of a really critical parent,
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because what we tend to do sometimes is we tend to treat
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ourselves the way we were treated.
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And so if we grew up in an environment where we never felt
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good enough, then guess what's going to happen.
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There are times in our adulthood where that inner critics going
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to come out and and he or she is going to make sure that we are
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not measuring up. They're going to make sure that
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we are not feeling like we are adequate in any way, shape or
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form through a negative self talk.
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And so being able to trust yourself and being able to trust
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others, there's a lot about being able to work through that
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sort of harsh self talk and perfectionism that we put on
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ourselves. Of course, I've mentioned
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feeling unworthy of love or care.
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Being able to notice the ways our partner does show up for us,
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the ways our partner is able to step into and be with us in
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difficult moments. And being able to take that in
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and let that in so that it can replace those feelings of
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emptiness, it can replace those feelings of being unloved and
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uncared for is really important as well.
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And finally, the tendency to over function or to shut down
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when relationally threatened, when we feel there's a threat to
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the connection in the relationship and our attachment
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styles get triggered and show up and we get very flooded and very
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anxious. And we need to resolve this
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right here, right now. And we're putting all kinds of
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pressure on our partner to open up and understand us and talk or
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when we feel like we need to shut down in order not to make
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things worse. Those are definite signs that
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your inner child may need some healing and may have been
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triggered as well. So the question becomes then,
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how do we begin to heal this inner child?
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What are some practical steps that we can take that will allow
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us to begin to heal our inner child?
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Well, I think one of the first things that we need to do is we
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need to be able to recognize when our inner child gets
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triggered in our adult relationships.
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And if you're listening to this podcast and, and you're a fan at
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all, you know, I always start with with trying to work on some
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sort of an awareness of the problem.
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Because if we're not aware of the problem, then we have no
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ability to be able to solve the problem.
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Awareness is the first step to being able to solve anything.
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If we are unaware, then we cannot solve it.
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And more often than not, it tends to creep into our life and
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into our relationships in ways we can't even begin to
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recognize. But it's there, it's in the
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background, and in some cases it's even driving our
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interactions in terms of its fear of what it's trying to
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avoid and in terms of its longings, what it's trying to
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attract. But we don't often recognize
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that, and shame is certainly one of those hallmarks, if you will.
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If we don't recognize that there are places in our life where
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inner child gets triggered and it comes out as feeling not good
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enough. It comes out as feeling like you
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don't measure up. It comes out as a lack of self
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worth, then those are places in your life and in your
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relationships where it's going to show up.
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And if you're not aware that there's a pocket of your life or
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pockets inside you where you hold this sense of shame, then
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there's no possible way for you to be able to understand and get
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clear in those moments of what's really happening.
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So when your partner, say, for example, doesn't text back, or
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when someone withdraws from you, you might fear that as
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rejection. And so maybe that triggers your
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inner child. Now all of a sudden you are
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thrown, emotionally speaking, back into a place where you
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tried to get consistent love from your caregivers, from your
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parents, from your grandmother or grandfather, whoever it was
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that might have raised you. And it just seemed like no
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matter how much you sought that love and acceptance, that sense
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of security, you just couldn't get it on any consistent basis.
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Or the message came across that it was very conditional, you had
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to do certain things in order to earn that kind of security and
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safety. And so that certainly can be a
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trigger for you. Being able to recognize that is
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absolutely huge. So the first step I think, is
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recognizing when the inner child gets triggered and what that
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trigger might actually lead back to.
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What does this emotional flashback, so to speak, If I
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pull on this thread, where might it go back to?
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What does this remind me of in my past?
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And then when that happens, we can become more aware and we can
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say to ourselves, you know, OK, this inner child is being
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triggered right now. What I need is some reinsurance,
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or what I need is some space, or what I need is some comfort.
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What is this inner child lacking that it never got before?
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And so becoming aware of the needs behind the trigger is
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vastly important as well because we can't reach out to others for
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Co regulation and comfort and care and soothing unless we're
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able to recognize what's happening inside of us and that
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need. Now, I talked about this as if
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it's a 12 step process. It's really not.
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And as you know, any of you know and have tried to do this, it's
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messy and it it shows up ugly sometimes and confused.
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And there's maybe other mixes of emotions in, in, in the mix,
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other emotions in the mix, Excuse me.
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And so it's not a clean, linear process.
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In other words, we might have some vague recognition, but we
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can't lead it to any particular need.
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Or we might feel a really strong sense of rejection or shame and
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immediately it's covered up with a sense of anger and
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frustration, which blurs and mass the actual hurt and the
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pain that was caused. So being able to work through,
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it's kind of a 2 step forward, one step back process I think at
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times, because what we're really trying to do is create clarity
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in this moment. And that clarity doesn't come
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easy because of past trauma. Clarity is something that we
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have to fight with sometimes. Clarity is something we have to
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struggle with sometimes. How can we get clear on what
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we're feeling? What tools can we used to gain
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that clarity? Because trauma tends to mask
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that. Trauma shows up as
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defensiveness. It shows up as blame and
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projection. It shows up as anger, a
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secondary emotion. It might show up as shame, but
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what we're really feeling is actual pain and hurt.
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It might show up as mistrust of others when what we're really
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feeling is that we were never able to trust ourselves and our
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own emotions because of the environment we grew up in.
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So I described this as sort of a, oh, just take this step and
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just take that step and you'll be perfectly clear.
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And I understand that that is easy to talk about but hard to
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execute. And so I'm with you on that
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because that's certainly something that I struggle with
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and have have struggled with. I think we all do, whether we
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have trauma or not, we all struggle getting clear on our
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emotions. And so when we get triggered,
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when we have maybe these feelings coming up of this
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emotional flashback or man, you know what I kind of acted out,
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it really wasn't proportionate to the situation.
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It was disproportionate to the situation.
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And that was on me. You know, I think about this in
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terms of raising my own kids sometimes.
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And if you have kids, you know that sometimes they can be
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trauma triggers for sure they can they can sort of show up and
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mirror the worst parts of us that we don't like in ourselves.
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And in those moments, we don't always handle situations well.
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And so I definitely think about times where as a parent maybe I
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raised my voice and yelled and I shouldn't have.
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And I certainly had to come back and apologize for that, but I
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also had to dig in and do the work of what was happening for
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me here, what was really going on?
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What was what was the thread that I need to tug on that will
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help me understand why I reacted the way I did.
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That was disproportionate to the situation more often than not
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for me, because of my past wounds.
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I can come back to a place where, man, maybe I was feeling
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incompetent in this situation. Maybe the situation was my my
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son was going through something and I didn't quite know how to
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deal with it. And I begin to feel incompetent.
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I begin to feel maybe not up to the task, or maybe I just felt
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shame that I didn't know how to fix this and make it better and
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solve it for him. And So what did I do?
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I just raised my voice and I just wanted the problem to go
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away completely disproportionate to the situation.
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And so that could be kind of an example of an inner child maybe
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getting triggered and responding disproportionately to a
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situation where it really wasn't necessary or appropriate.
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And how do I then pull on that string that takes me back to
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what is this really about? And then more importantly,
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uncover the need in that moment, what was I really needing?
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Let me think about that. Maybe what I was really needing
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was more of a soothing voice inside my head that showed up
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that said, Tom, you don't have to solve every problem for your
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child. What your child's needing now is
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just for you to understand and not to have to fix something for
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them not to have to solve it for them.
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Not to have to tie everything up in a nice little bow so that it
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never happens again. Maybe your own childhood
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adequacies got triggered here and you were really thinking you
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had to just fix it and instead of just being and sitting with
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your child and helping them make sense of what was going on.
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So a more compassionate voice might have been what I needed in
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one of those situations that would have helped me calm myself
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and provided a little more of what I needed.
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And so I think that's really important.
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The 3rd and final step, and I briefly touched on this, is in
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those moments when we can understand #1 the trigger.
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And what does this go back to? Two, what is it that we were
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lacking in that time that we might need now?
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And then the third one is how can I reach out and ask for
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that? And how can I pull from those
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resources inside myself and and access that if I don't have
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anybody in that immediate moment?
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For example, I would not be asking my son for reassurance or
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nurturance. That is not his job.
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But in myself, I need to be able to reach for that resource so
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that I can show up for him better in that moment.
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So how can I reach out to others to get what I need?
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Or how can I access that inside myself in in in order to be able
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to access that need? And This is why I think healing
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the inner child is so important because what it does when we
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begin to heal it, when we begin to look at this process and we
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begin to show up for ourselves differently, then we begin to
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access those resources for ourselves and inside ourselves
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so that we create, and here's the keyword, more flexibility.
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More flexibility for us to be able to handle different
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situations, different people, stressful situations, situations
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that might call for us to use certain emotional and, and
24:03
psychological tools that maybe we didn't have before, but that
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now are available to us. It's not about perfection.
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It is about how can we create more emotional flexibility so
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that we stay in the window of tolerance that helps us be able
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to solve the problems and access resources inside ourselves and
24:26
in our world. So that I think is really
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important when we start talk about healing the inner child,
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we really need to be able to talk about how can we heal in
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such a way that it creates access to resources that we
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don't have otherwise. If my inner child goes into a
24:47
shame spiral and in that moment feels unwanted, unloved,
24:53
unneeded, never going to be able to measure up, inadequate,
24:57
incompetent, all these words that I could list off for you,
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you can probably tell I've struggled with this a lot,
25:02
right? All those words, then how could
25:06
I possibly be able to gain access to the part of me that is
25:11
competent, that is able to step up, that does measure up, that
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can be able to use those resources to be able to show up
25:20
for people in my life when they need it and to show up for
25:24
myself when I need it. This three-step process, again,
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I don't want to, I don't want to give you the idea that it's
25:34
simple or easy because it's not. But I do think it can be very
25:38
effective having that sense of reflection and awareness when we
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get triggered, pulling on that thread so that we understand
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where that emotional trigger leads back to.
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And then what was it we were lacking at the time?
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And then what tools do I need to be able to provide myself that
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now in my adult relationships? So that's, I think a good
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starting process. There can certainly be more to
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that in terms of healing the inner child.
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If you follow these three steps, I think that will get you at
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least 80% of the way there. It takes work, it takes
26:19
repetition, it takes time, but I think it can be extremely
26:23
powerful. Take it slow.
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As I said, it's it can be messy, but be sure and take it slow a
26:30
little bit at a time. And it's about progress over
26:34
perfection. Not about showing up perfect for
26:37
yourself, but about stepping forward into your true authentic
26:43
core self so that you feel more a home in yourself, you feel
26:47
more alive in your life, in your world, and you feel more
26:52
authentic. Hi, I'm Tom Phillip, I just want
26:55
to thank you so much for listening to this podcast.
26:58
As always, shoot me a line. Let me know more of what you
27:01
want to hear. Be sure and give us a review if
27:04
you like the show as well. I'm here to remind you to stay
27:07
grounded, clear, and connected.