Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / March 16, 2021 | Expresso - Bekah Wenger

Transcript

March 16, 2021 | Expresso - Bekah Wenger · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, hi, my name is Becca Winger.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Most people call me Becca.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Before I start my story, let me tell you a pre-story.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: It was just last year, I believe, that I told Connie Hall that I would never be speaking at Espresso.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: LOL.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's interesting how God can change your mind on some things that you said you would never do.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: He definitely has a sense of humor.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Back in September, let's see, back in September one night, I kept hearing this voice, and it was God, telling me that I should share my story at Espresso.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I tried to ignore it, thinking the voice would go away.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: But it didn't.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I finally texted Connie around 9 o'clock, I think it was, that night, telling her that I would like to share my story at Espresso.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I think she was really surprised to hear from me, much less share my story.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I later found out that apparently I was the first woman in the history of Espresso to volunteer to share.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: That kind of surprised me, but I was willing to be a part of history.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right after I texted Connie, we texted back and forth just for a little bit.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: The voice stopped.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: So then I knew that I'd made the right decision.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And originally I was supposed to speak in January, and then it was moved to February.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess that happened for a reason too, maybe several.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And now here we are.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I did the animation.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: In my favorite font, Comic Sands.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's my picture.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see, I think that's an extra one.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I broke it up in different parts.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Part one, the background and biographical information.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, now I'm starting in on my story.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was born in Topeka to my wonderful parents, Rick and Rosalie Winger.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And there you can see, I'll try not to ramble too much.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: We timed it about 28 minutes.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: I guess Connie's gonna start dinging me at 29.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: So there I'm in the middle.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: I was born uh 10 weeks premature.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a few days after I was born.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's me when I was a baby.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was a little older.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's me with my parents.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then oh sorry.
• 2:19
  unknown: Okay.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, and then there I am in the middle with my parents there.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I'm the oldest of three girls.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Renee is three years younger than me, and Elena is five years younger than me.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: So then there's some pictures of us.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: There's the three of us.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: My mom liked to make sure we dressed alike.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: So we have the pink, all the pink dresses.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Then there's us on our old couch in my parents' living room, and then there's us playing, I think, like train or something like that.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's my sister Renee going down the slide.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's a picture of us.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think that was when we were in high school or college.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: We grew up in a loving, Christian, stable home.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: There was always food on the table, love in our hearts, and much support.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I do not have any memories for which my parents were never at something that we three girls participated in.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: We attended church and Sunday school and were involved in church and school activities.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: We also went on lots of family vacations.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's just a few pictures.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that picture was cute.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure where we were at, but we were definitely on a family vacation.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I liked the pose, how we were all facing our legs, our legs are crossed the same way.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's us outside of Topeka Bible Church.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: That was back in the 90s.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's a picture of us inside the church in the auditorium.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's us in Yellowstone, and that's a hammock we were camping.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: I accepted Christ as my savior when I was five years old, after we'd had a backyard Bible club at our house led by Sandy Balacca.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: My parents would do anything for us.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: We had good family relations as well, and I was close to my grandparents, even though they were older than some grandparents, since my parents were the youngest of their siblings in their family.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: When I was six, my mom's parents moved to Topeka from Newton so they could be closer to us.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: They just lived a few blocks away from us on the other side of 10th Street.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: We would go over to their house often and play.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: My grandpa liked having bunnies and doves or chickens as pets, so I have memories of playing with them even when they lived in Newton.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: My grandparents were very loving and supportive as well, and would have done anything for us too.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can tell I like pictures.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Does anyone know that?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's my grandpa, my dad's dad, right there.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: There's my sisters and I with him.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: There's my granny.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: She died when I was six or seven, so it was hard to find pictures of the two of them together.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: She died of Parkinson's, and so that was a good picture that I found.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then here's my mom's parents together, and that's with my aunt and uncle.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: They live here in town too.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's my grandpa.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I liked that one.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: We must have liked slides, because there I am going down a slide, and he's gonna catch me at the bottom.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: We also had pet bunnies and later a couple dogs, Minnie and Tanner.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: There, some of you may remember her, that's Minnie.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: We some people thought she looked like a rat.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: She was pretty sweet, but if you if you um riled her up, she could be kind of nasty sometimes, but she was pretty sweet for the most part.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's Tanner, and then there's me when I broke my arm, and there's a picture of my bunny snowball.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can't see him very well because he's white, he blends in with my white dress.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's my sisters, and then there's Tanner when he was a little puppy.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: My sisters and I did various activities, and we had musical talent too.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: For a time we all took music lessons.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I played the piano, later the guitar, and my singing voice started maturing when I was 15 or 16.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: So then I started taking voice lessons.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Renee played the flute and piccolo, Elena played the violin and later picked up the guitar and piano.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: We got our musical talent from our mom, who played and still plays the piano and organ.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: My dad would joke and say that if he had been given an opportunity when he was younger and had the musical talent, that he would have played the banjo.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: But for then, he was our audience.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: In high school, I was involved in various activities, including a couple different women's vocal ensembles, newspaper staff, Mandalist Staff, which was a literary magazine, FCS, which stands for Fellowship of Christian Students, NHS, which is National Honor Society, AFS, which is American Field Service, a group for international students, etc.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: My senior year, I was in Madrigals, a group of 24 singers that composed of 12 men and 12 women.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I did lots of other things too in high school.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I volunteered at the hospital, aka a candy striper.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: I really enjoyed that.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I also volunteered at the library in the summers, helping out with the children's summer reading programs.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: I also was involved in the youth group at church and went on a few missions trips, including Mexico and Puerto Rico.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: When I was 15, I went with my dad to the Philippines to visit some missionaries from our church to encourage them.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: He had gone a couple times already, and so when he mentioned that he wanted to go again, I asked if I could go with him.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's me with my friend Jamie.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: We're in uh that's an FCS, that's Fellowship of Christian Students.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if Linda Crandall is here tonight, but uh I was in high school with two of her boys, uh, Matt and Joel.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Matt was my age and Joel was a couple years older, so you can see them in that picture.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then here's a few of my high school senior pictures.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And this picture, I don't know if Nan Nelson is here, but that's in her garden in the backyard.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's us at a winter dance.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's that picture.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was in Madrigals, and so my senior year, that was at Christmas time, we went to my we went Caroline at different people's houses, so that's in my parents' living room.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: I graduated from Topekah in 2001 and then went off to college at K-St.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was involved in some extracurricular activities, including a community choir group in Manhattan called Masterworks Corral, Christian Challenge, and Navigators.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I did some volunteer work at an elementary school a couple times a week during my junior and senior year, and also was a big sister through an after-school tutoring program.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I did change my major after my junior year from journalism to elementary education.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: I did have some difficult situations, but with God's help and the support of my family, I made it through and graduated with a Bachelor's of Science degree in December 2007.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: My sister and I had been living with our aunt and uncle in Manhattan, and I continued living with them until May of 2008.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Then I moved back to Topeka to live at home with them until I could find a job.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's my sister, Renee and I.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: So this is when we were in college, that's outside my dorm room in Boyd Hall at K-State.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then this picture I'll explain here in a little bit, but this is when my sister came to visit me at K-State with my mom and one of her friends.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'll explain that here in a little bit.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: It took me a few months to find a job in my chosen profession, but in June 2008, I was hired through 501.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And in August 2008, I started teaching at HPC Elementary.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I had been searching while still living in Manhattan with my aunt and uncle, and during that spring semester after graduating, I worked as a para full-time at an elementary school.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: I also joined a dance team called Yosukoi, which is a dance team that did traditional Japanese-style dancing with the makeup and costumes.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And there you can see the makeup.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: This picture is kind of blurry, but I actually had like the white, you know, on my nose and my cheeks, and then uh you can see the costume too, which I still have in my closet.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: It was really fun, even though I'm not the best dancer.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: I learned a lot and made some new new friends.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: I taught second grade my first year, and at the end of that year, I was told that the following school year I would be switching to kindergarten, trading places with another teacher there who was in her 50s and wanted to switch to this children with at this age level.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: It was indeed very difficult, considering the part of town as well.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I did have some great kids and some supportive parents, but after the end of the third year of teaching kindergarten, I made a very difficult decision, but one that had to be made and resigned from my teaching position.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Before moving on to this next part, I do have to add a part about my wonderful dog and companion Bella.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: So there's all the pictures.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: I won't describe all of them, but this picture and this picture are the first pictures that I ever took with her.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll explain that here in a little bit.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: I got her on January 2nd, 2011, when I was still teaching.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: I had been thinking about getting a dog of my own.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Growing up, we had a couple family dogs, Tanner and Minnie.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: But now I wanted one I could call my own.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I started looking online.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: I saw the cutest picture of this dog that was a little over three years old and was house trained.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: I had wanted a dog that was already potty trained, so I wouldn't have to train them.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: She was looking at the camera in the most endearing way, as if to say, I need you, Becca, please take me home.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: She was.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: I think she said that.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I made an appointment with the humane shelter for January 2nd.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: I had seen that she had had some puppies.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was so excited that day that I got there early.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see.
• 12:16
  unknown: Excuse me.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: When I got there, Bella was out there with her puppies in the side yard, and they were playing.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I got to meet her puppies too.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: They looked nothing like her.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: When it was time for the appointment, they brought her into a room by herself.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: When I was sitting in a chair, and they put her on the floor.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: She kind of wandered around that tiny room, kind of lost.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: I finally decided to just sit on the floor with her.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: I put her in my lap, and right away she curled up and started getting sleepy.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: One of the volunteers walked by and peered inside the window.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: She or he said, She looks pretty comfortable.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I didn't have to debate too long whether or not I should get her.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: I sent a picture to my mom and a friend asking them if I should get her.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: They both said, Yes, I should.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I did.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Her name was actually Molly at the time.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to name her, so I found the name Bella, but I kept her name Molly as her middle name.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: She has been a constant source of joy and companionship for me.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: She is a good, very good, cute, sweet little dog.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: I also have a sweet dove named Noah.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: A friend gave him to me about five and a half years ago.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: We estimate him to be maybe around 18 years old or so.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And there's Noah.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then I always kind of remind Bella, you know, just to make sure I say he's our friend, he's not food, he's not a meal, he's our friend.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I think she hears me.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Going back to the job situation, I had to decide what I wanted to do.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: So for a few years, I was in a transition period.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was doing substitute teaching and also working part-time as a health surveyor at KDHE, which stands for Kansas Department of Health and Environment Education, through a TIMP agency.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: On days that I did not get a sub job, I would try to work at KDHE.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I would be bringing in some money, even though it was minimum wage, it was something, better than no money at all.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: But there were some days for which I didn't work at all.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: These times were very hard for me.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: I went through what I now call a Great Depression.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: I worried about money, worried about finding a more permanent position, a permanent job that offered good health insurance and benefits.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: I worried about my present and future.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Some days were just a struggle to get out of bed.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: I would have days for which I would just start crying and weeping because I was just that down and depressed.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: I felt stuck, trapped, and that things were never going to change.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: I really wrestled with God.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: I would question him all the time, wondering why I had been brought to this place in my life, why he let me go through what I did that made me resign in the first place from 501.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: I also questioned that no one would ever hire me because I wasn't good enough or seemed confident enough.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: The list went on and on.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: It was a very dark time, and I felt like no one understood what I was going through.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: God did finally bring me out of the pit, and I was finally offered a full-time position at Security Benefit as a call center associate for SC2, and I would be answering questions about people's annuities.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even know what an annuity was at that time.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: They told me that I would be offered lots of training, and I was.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: It took a while to build my confidence, but now I've been with SE2 for over five and a half years.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: In May, it'll be six years that I started working there, and I love it.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Some moments and days are hard, but overall I love it because I'm confident and competent in this profession.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: It makes me feel good, so good that I can explain people's annuities well to them that they understand what I'm saying.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because I try to put it on their level, and I'm also patient and willing to explain it to them.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I strive to do my best to help out each customer, no matter who it is, on every call.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, the reason that I'm slipping this in here is that's me when I was little, and I have a ball and I'm in my parents' backyard.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if you look in the background, right back there, you can see that's a house, and now I live in that house.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: That was not planned to move next door to my parents, but that's God's plan, so that's where I'm at.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna explain this here in just a little bit.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna show some before and during, and also the after.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you have seen these pictures, but it's also part of my story.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of tie it in at the end and you'll see why.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but there you can see Bella made a little, she was always doing that when I was painting.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: It required a lot of work.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: The whole house needed painting.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then my dad, I'll get to that here in a little bit, had to work on the kitchen.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Bella was always making bedding out of the towels or whatever was on the floor, so that's her.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then you can see the living room just needed lots of work.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's the after.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, of course, you know I like bright colors, so I had to have two different bright colors in the living room.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then here's the entryway.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: That was a lot of work, also.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: As you can see, there were like two or three old layers of wallpaper, I think that had been there forever.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: So you can see it took like me and my mom and dad and like three or four friends, different people to try to get that layer of wallpaper off.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: So you can kind of see that.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what it looks like now.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the two three colors in the of the living room are that bright blue that I showed you, and then as you can see, this is the same color that's in the entryway, but then I have blue.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if I opened up the closet, you'd be able to see the pink and blue in the closet too.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and then this is the spare bedroom, and also a lot of work.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can see that that's what we came into, that's what it looked like, and then we discovered we were really excited one day when we pulled up there was hardwood floor underneath, and so we were really excited about that.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: So then you can see us pulling up the carpet and then getting the paint cans out, and then you can see some of the paint on the walls.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that's it now.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, all the each wall has its own color.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: And all of the walls that are all the colors that are on the wall are in the closet, too.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, some people call it Barbie's Dream House.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: One of my friends called it that.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, let's see, Skittle or Rainbow House.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's what somebody else called it.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: So and then this room was the most work.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, all of it was a lot of work and a lot of time, lots of hours.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, my dad did all of this.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: I helped him with some of the painting, but I couldn't do any of this stuff that he did.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you guys can see over there too.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so you can see he had to we had to tear up everything the walls, the floor, the cabinets, the countertops, everything.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's a completely new kitchen.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready for the the after slide?
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: There it is.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it looks it looks amazing.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: He did a great job.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so now I will move on to part two, and I call this the meat behind the scenes an emotional and spiritual response.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: And now I've reached part two in my story.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: If I were writing my autobiography and you had just read the first part of my story, the background and biographical story, everything would look perfect.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: Except that last part that I shared, how I felt like I was in the pit off and on for several years.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: I used that as a segue into part two of my story.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: No one's life or story is perfect.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, sure, we look on Facebook and decent people only post the things that they want others to see, but we don't see or know the inner part of their struggles unless they share it.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is where I will share some other struggles and experiences.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Moving forward, a few months ago when I was ending a friendship with someone who was not very nice to me or treated me with kindness and respect.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: Note, not a man, just a friend I was close to for a while.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was still transitioning and working through the emotions that follow.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: All of the feelings that I let be repressed were coming out, and I was filling them head on.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: It was a process to realize that I finally needed to let this person go.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: Times were not always bad.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: We had some good times, times of laughter, inside jokes, and could talk about some things.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: But then one day I was thinking about all the times that this person had said some really rude, mean, or disrespectful things.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Then they would say sorry and apologize, or say that they didn't really mean it that way, but that's how I felt.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: And the behavior or words would continue.
• 20:52
  unknown: Excuse me.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: I felt trapped in this endless cycle.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: The final straw was when this person pressured me into doing something, saying yes to something that I still wasn't sure I wanted to do yet.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I said it just matter-of-factly, but she didn't like my answer, and in front of other people told me what I should do or else.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: She gave an ultimatum.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not only did she not respect my answer or give me time to think about it some more, but she threatened me and embarrassed me in front of other people.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: At the time, I tucked this away deep inside.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: It made me mad, but I had tucked it away so deep down that I didn't realize how much it really bothered me that she did that to me.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: It bothered me because of some other things that she had said or done in the past as well.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: She knew that I didn't like it, but she kept doing it anyway.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, one night, I let this person know that I definitely did not want to do the thing that she wanted me to do.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: I gave logical explanations and even gave other suggestions as to what could be done instead.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: This person questioned me, asking me what had changed my mind.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: She even tried to call me.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't pick up the phone because I didn't want her to.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Try and talk me out of it.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: My decision was made, but if I knew if I talked to this person, she wouldn't really listen to me and respect my decision.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: This person and I texted just briefly.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't let it go on too long, but in the beginning she said that we were at a stalemate, as if we were at war.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: I guess in her mind we were, because I was actually standing up to her and telling her no, when before I would just give in and go along with it, even though secretly resenting how I was being treated to give in, so she would get her way.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: This person also kept giving arguments as to why we should do it, and I wouldn't give in, wouldn't budge.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: My mind was made up.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was tired of letting this person rule me and tell me what to do and disrespecting me.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: She was used to me going along with whatever she wanted to do, but it had enough.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't rude or mean, I just didn't give in to her wishes.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: I shared all of my thoughts and feelings with my wonderful mom, as I do lots of thoughts and feelings.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: Not only does my mom have a nursing degree, but a psychology degree.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: So she's very good at discernment and analyzing people when they react certain ways.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: So she is very good at discernment.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I already read that.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: So she can tell me in others what that actually means.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: I call her Dr.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: Mom sometimes.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I started reflecting a lot more and realized that what was actually happening was signs of a toxic relationship.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: I would be hurt by something this person said or did.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: She would give a great, well-played, and what seemed to be a genuine apology, and then be nice again.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: But then the vicious cycle would start over again.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then I would say sorry, and she would reassure me.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: But to be honest, I wonder now why was I apologizing for how she made me feel?
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then I wasn't really that sorry.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was just actually sorry because she made me feel bad and got mad at me for how I felt.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: She was also starting to take more control of my life, it seemed as well, and I didn't like that either.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: Extremely controlling and toxic people start taking over your life, but it's gradual.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't happen overnight because they know if they do it all at once, you will see right through it.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: Signs of a controlling toxic person.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I looked this up, and then it reassured me that this is what this was.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: They start to control where you go to eat, they get jealous of other friends or people you spend time with, can make rude comments about your hair or clothes, mock, embarrass, or threaten you in front of others, and on purpose too, to exert control and intimidation over you, to make you feel inferior to them.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: They accuse you of things before getting the whole story and jump to conclusions.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: They put you in the middle of situations so that you feel trapped.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: The list goes on.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: Their own bitterness and anger consumes them, and eventually, like I said earlier, they start projecting that onto you.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: The choice to leave toxic people is hard at first, but recently God used this situation and another part I'll mention here in a bit to take me out of this toxic relationship.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: I felt so trapped, repressed, powerless, I just didn't know it yet because it went so deep.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: A few weeks before this final straw situation happened, I'd had this dark, ominous dream.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: I dreamed that these two extremely ominous men were at my front door, and it was nighttime.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: The porch light was on and they were trying to get inside.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was so scared.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, while they were trying to get inside through the glass in the front door, I was sitting in the living room floor across from this toxic person and another person who was one of our friends.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: I think God can use dreams to warn us in a sense of things to come.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: These two ominous men were trying to come inside and come between us.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: I now realize that not only was this dream a premonition for an end to this relationship, but to some others as well.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: When a relationship is in transition and ends, it can also affect other parts of our lives and trickle down to other relationships too.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: This did happen in my case.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: Ever since the saying no incident happened, it did affect relationships with some other people in that circle.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: Things were set in motion to happen.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: I did not intend for any of this to happen the way that it did.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: But as my mom says, she thinks that maybe God was working it out, so these people would not be in my life anymore.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: God did and does have a better plan for me to be around people that are more biblical, holy, and pleasing to him and me and how they treat me and other people around them.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: God has taught me so much in all of this, and yes, it's been extremely hurtful.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I told Connie one hard day that I felt like Jesus did being betrayed in the Garden of Gethsemane.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I practiced that several times.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to get that right.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: Moving forward and sparing some details, gradually things changed more with these people, and some other things happened that were biting and hurtful.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: When I went to Espresso in November, I was talking briefly with Connie Hall about some recent events.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: Then Connie told me the exact same thing that someone else outside this situation told me.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't about me, it was bigger than me.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's a spiritual battle.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: My eyes got really big, and I told her, that's exactly what someone else had told me.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: But both of these people are right.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is a spiritual battle every day.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: And the people involved will receive justice someday, even if I don't see it.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'll let God handle it.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: Easier said than done sometimes.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's out of my hands, and I'm moving on to better things, more godly, biblical biblical people who can be supportive, encouraging, and help me grow closer to the Lord, because that's what it's really all about.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm almost done, I promise.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: Ding ding yet?
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: Part three, the end, but not the end.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: God is still writing my story.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: And now reach the final part of my story, at least for tonight.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: Even though this situation has been extremely hurtful, it's also been very eye-opening to me how selfish and prideful people can be.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: But on the other hand, I've also seen some very good, genuine people, godly, biblical, supportive, loyal, confident in the Lord, etc.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Some friends have stuck by my side in all of this, and God has also placed some wonderful people in my life.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: There's my mom and my sisters, and then there's some other people.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's Connie Hall.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: She's in this story a lot.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's, I call her my little darlene and Bella, and then my friends Patty and Mallory.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's my friends Sarah and Patty.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's Martha Bishop.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: I got to know her a few months ago when we were doing a project for the Sunday school Christmas thing.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's my mom and dad.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: And there's my friend Gail.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: I call her Goldilocks.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's Tamara.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: I've got to know her the last few months in the last year or so, and we've really become really good friends.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's my friend Sarah.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: I call her sweet Sarah.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: The former friends and the enemy would want me to fail to be broken.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: God is an amazing protector and friend.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: Even though he allowed all this to happen, and it's been awful and emotionally draining at times, he still has brought me over to the other side.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: As Connie Hall texted to me one day during all of this, Joy is coming, my friend.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: God used this experience to slough off the good the good, the bad, and the ugly, and to shape me into an even stronger person than before.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: In him, I've learned a lot of lessons.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: To stand for what is right, even when others do not agree or are blind to their intimidation, cruelty, and bullying.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: Another friend recently reminded me of whose measuring stick I should be using here.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: She said it should be the Lord's, not other people's.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: I elaborate here by stating also that we all have a voice and a choice, even if others do not agree with what we say, as long as what we say is not sinful.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: In Christ, we do have the power to say no.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: In the midst of all of this, God had been laid in on my heart that I needed to reach out to someone who used to be a part of this circle of people before we sadly kicked her out.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I was a part of it, and I deeply regret it.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: She was removed from this group because, like me, she was a threat.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: I called her up one night a few months ago, asking her to forgive me for what had happened.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: At the time when this person was removed from our group, she let's see, I was under the influence of this other friend.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: I went along, usually, like I said, with whatever she wanted, and she wanted this person out of the group.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: So we had someone else do the dirty work.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: This was very sinful and wrong, not godly or biblical.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: When I called up this person to repent and ask for forgiveness, I immediately started sobbing.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: I felt so bad about what had happened.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: She started tearing up too.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: I could hear it in her voice.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: She said she forgave all of us a long time ago.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: She told me tearfully that I had no idea how much it meant to her that I called her.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: She also told me that she was so proud of me for standing firm and sticking up for myself.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: It was so freeing to ask somebody who had been wronged by us, by me, to forgive me.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: It was so healing, and I'm so glad I did it.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: I have seen some other advantages or benefits from being from not being a part of these people's lives anymore, and I'm sure as time goes on, I will continue to see why God did not want me a part of them anymore.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: A few examples of the blessings I've seen in the aftermath.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing a daily devotional with two other girls.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've made some new, better friends and rekindled some older friendships.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: I have heard some things that have happened ever since God removed me from that group that makes me so glad and thankful that I'm not there anymore.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I've had some validation and encouragement of my feelings from some of what happened, etc.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's been very difficult, but also growing for me, and I continue to work through the after effects.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: My story is not over yet.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's not done.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's a work in progress, but that's how all of our stories are.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: Just like when I was working on my house three years ago.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: It took some work and time, but at the end, when it was all done, it was beautiful.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: God is still writing my story.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening to me share tonight.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: I hope it was encouraging to you, and I end with singing this song, and my mom will be accompanying me on the piano.