Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 210. Good Daughtering in the Empty Nest: Caring for Aging Parents and Loving Adult Children Well with Dr Allison Alford

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210. Good Daughtering in the Empty Nest: Caring for Aging Parents and Loving Adult Children Well with Dr Allison Alford · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Christian parenting.
• 0:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hey mama, I'm Pamela Hinklman, certified emptiness coach and your listening to the mid-life Mama podcast.
• 0:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: This show is for Christian moms navigating the emptiness, learning how to let go with grace, set healthy boundaries, reconnected marriage, and step confidently into their God-given purpose.
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Each week I'll coach you through this season with faith-building encouragement.
• 0:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: honest conversations and practical tools that you can apply right away to your relationships and your life.
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: If this episode encourages you, I'd be grateful if you leave a quick rating and review.
• 0:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: It helps other moms find the support they need.
• 0:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: You'll find the link in the show notes and make sure you're following the podcast and let's get started.
• 0:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome back to the mid-life mama podcast, the place for faith, friendship, and real talk for empty-nest moms.
• 0:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: One of the surprising realities of mid-life is that just when we think our parenting role is changing, another one starts to grow.
• 1:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're still daughters to our own parents, many of whom are aging, needing more support, and sometimes more emotional energy, than we expected, and at the same time we're living how we relate to our adult kids in a new way.
• 1:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: It can feel like we're stretched between two generations trying to be a good daughter to our parents, while also loving our adult kids without control, expectations, or guilt.
• 1:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you've ever wondered, am I doing enough for my parents?
• 1:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Am I too involved or not involved enough with my adult kids?
• 1:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And why does this season feel so emotionally heavy?
• 1:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Been today's conversation is for you.
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm joined by Dr. Allison Alford.
• 1:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Author of Good Daughtering and we're talking about what it really means to be a good daughter in midlife.
• 1:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: Both for our aging parents and our ever evolving relationship with our adult children.
• 1:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Dr. Allison offered his a communication scholar, professor at Baylor University, an author of Good Daughtering.
• 1:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: The work you've always done, the credit you've never gotten and how to finally feel like enough.
• 2:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is a gentle, freeing conversation about guilt, expectations, boundaries, and how to walk through this season with grace instead of pressure.
• 2:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: So grab your coffee, take a deep breath, and let's get started.
• 2:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome Dr. Allison.
• 2:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for having me, Pamela.
• 2:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's my mom's name, so I have to like everyone named Pamela.
• 2:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we're all fun and good start.
• 2:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's wonderful.
• 2:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love the concept of your book when you reached out.
• 2:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was like, oh, great.
• 2:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is going to be kind of it.
• 2:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your book talks about good dottering.
• 2:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Where do most women get their definition of what a good daughter is?
• 2:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And how might that definition be unrealistic or harmful in midlife?
• 2:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: such an important question.
• 2:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we should all pause right now and ask ourselves, where did I get my definition of what it means to be a good daughter?
• 2:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what I found is that we're absorbing that, that idea of what good or good enough,
• 3:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Man's through our cultural interactions, our family scripts, decades of watching the relationships between our other family members.
• 3:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're watching our friends and seeing what they do with their parent or grandparents over.
• 3:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: the years and we rarely stop to define what we think good is and that creates a problem which is that good keeps moving farther away.
• 3:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Every time we do something good we think, oh there's another person doing this other thing or my mom sure would like it if I did this much also and we keep moving the goal post so we never actually get to good enough a feeling most of us
• 3:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that's good.
• 3:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: So especially in this season of life, how is that difficult for women in this tension between aging parents and adult children?
• 4:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I loved what you said in the intro.
• 4:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was so valuable to think about how our parents are changing right now.
• 4:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: And many of us have parents who we can see that they're changing.
• 4:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: They don't necessarily have an intense need for us.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: They don't.
• 4:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: All of a sudden, we need to live at our house or they can't drive all of a sudden or there's some big illness.
• 4:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're just slightly different every day.
• 4:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that, what you said in the intro is it takes more of our emotional resources.
• 4:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: It also takes more of our cognitive space.
• 4:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're thinking about them.
• 4:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're worrying about them.
• 4:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're making different kinds of plans.
• 4:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: And...
• 4:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Suddenly, that takes up just a little bit more of our energy and our effort every day.
• 4:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, that's a big struggle because we are also giving cognitive space an emotional resources to our launching children in emerging adulthood.
• 5:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I know this myself very intimately because I am launching a senior in high school.
• 5:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right this moment, it is amazing to me how much mental space that takes up, how often I am thinking about the present, his future, we're talking about the today and then in the next conversation we're talking about the tomorrow, but I am simultaneously, he's not aware that I'm simultaneously doing that for my parents.
• 5:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm thinking about them.
• 5:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: and I realized, wow, so many minutes of so much effort in the day went toward these giving of these resources to other people who I love, but it can be draining.
• 5:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 5:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: So what did you say ultimately good-daughtering boils down to expectations and how those impact us as daughters?
• 6:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Good-daughtering absolutely has this element of expectations.
• 6:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's where it starts is thinking, what am I supposed to do?
• 6:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: What should I do?
• 6:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: What ought I do?
• 6:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: What are other people doing?
• 6:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: What will people think if I don't do these things?
• 6:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: But then what I will add to that is that we can come and transform that thought.
• 6:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: We can transform from expectation to action.
• 6:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's why I talk about daughtering as a verb.
• 6:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: because we have choice, we have agency within our relationship.
• 6:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's so we can transform good-daughtering into what I say it is.
• 6:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what is reasonable for me at this time?
• 6:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can allow myself to do that and have that and also know when to stop and pursue other things.
• 6:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that's so good.
• 6:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: So boils down to awareness, right?
• 7:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, for sure.
• 7:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, we have what's going on the inside, I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm feeling so much pressure.
• 7:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's, it starts out right?
• 7:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think that one of the most interesting things I found through my research over the past decade is that women just don't have the language to talk about daughtering, and if we're not talking about it, then it really does escape our top level awareness.
• 7:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: what I noticed from the interviews with the women that I conducted as part of my social science research is that we're always using these borrowed terms, right?
• 7:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: One of the things that I noticed is women particularly younger adult women will say she's my best friend or she's a friend or now we're friends because they've emerged from adolescence.
• 7:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: and they think that this more of the symmetry of positioning in the world makes them friends, but it's such a miscalculation of the daughter parent relationship because daughters and their parents are never ever going to have the same makeup of a relationship as friends do.
• 8:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so we
• 8:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Which is both this tie, this family tie that's never going to go away with obligation, with an age gap, and yet also a lot of love.
• 8:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that we see a similar problem as a daughter if I start to take care of my parents more, and I say now I'm the mother of my mother.
• 8:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: or I'm parenting my parents.
• 8:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: This misnomer confuses our brain about what daughters actually do and why.
• 8:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because we turn it into something maternal and it's not.
• 8:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's daughterly.
• 8:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is daughterly to care for those in our family.
• 9:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that's so good.
• 9:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: I should back up and I'd say, please explain this term good dottering because that's foundational.
• 9:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's the title of the book and we don't use word.
• 9:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: So tell us about that.
• 9:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I have the book right here, so I'll show it.
• 9:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's go, look at that.
• 9:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's so nice and the subtitle that I wrote is the work you've all used on.
• 9:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: The credit you've never gotten and how to finally feel like enough.
• 9:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think this helps us understand the word good dottering or the title, it's a bit of a play on
• 9:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: looking at what's expected and then redesigning daughtering for ourselves so that then I know I'm a good daughter at every level even without having to do more.
• 9:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: So one of the things that the book starts by just pointing out all the different ways that daughtering is occurring.
• 9:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he talked about daughtering as a form of labor in the same way that we could talk about
• 10:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Daughtering is a form of work, and I describe the four ways that work shows up.
• 10:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: The first way is the acting, and it's the tasks.
• 10:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's the very visible way we see doing daughter going over to your parents' house, taking a meal.
• 10:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sitting and watching golf together, making phone calls hosting events, the second way is emotional.
• 10:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: As you described giving our emotional resources to suit and smooth or reduce conflict or prevent issues from occurring with other family members.
• 10:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the fourth way is our identity.
• 10:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: How do we engage in being a daughter?
• 10:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'd mentioned by Mom's name as Pamela, so I moved through the world thinking, how am I Pamela's daughter?
• 11:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And how do I represent my family at everything she's taught me?
• 11:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even when she's not around, and this is so important for people whose parents have passed away, is we continue to do daughtering all our life as we carry that legacy.
• 11:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: So good dottering is our reframe for ourselves that we're already there.
• 11:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're doing so much more than we've ever acknowledged to ourselves and we don't have to do more to be worthy.
• 11:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're already there.
• 11:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: beautiful.
• 11:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: I, that's such an interesting concept that even when our parents are gone, we're still we still will be dottering because we're carrying on that legacy.
• 11:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's beautiful.
• 11:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hey mama, if your house feels too quiet and your heart feels too heavy after launching your child, I've created a guide just for you.
• 11:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's called journaling through transitional grief.
• 12:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: A gentle, faith-filled resource to help you process the deep of motions of letting go.
• 12:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Inside, you'll find six reflection questions that will help you name your feelings, invite God into the grief and experience his comfort in the middle of change.
• 12:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Remember, transitional grief is only a season and God is leading you toward peace, purpose, and joy.
• 12:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can grab your free copy at the link in the show notes.
• 12:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want to talk a little bit about pressure that emptiness moms are mid-life women feel.
• 12:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: The pressure between the aging parents and the adult children, like recently, I was supposed to go to Minnesota to help my parents move in December and then all of a sudden my youngest daughter with the toddler was very ill. And I was like,
• 12:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh my gosh, what do I do?
• 13:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I prayed about it.
• 13:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: I said, Lord, I don't know what to do.
• 13:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I just talked to my mom, and I said, Mom, I don't really know what to do.
• 13:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: And she's funny.
• 13:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: We'll be fine.
• 13:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: You go be with Kizaya and Rene.
• 13:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: She needs help.
• 13:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, that.
• 13:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: First of all, that was so courageous and loving of my mom, not to put that expectation on me that I had to be there at that moment.
• 13:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was going to circle back and I said, Mom, I'll come once she's, I will come and help you.
• 13:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: They were moving.
• 13:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: And of course, I wanted to be there to help them.
• 13:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a five and a half hour drive, but gosh, so this tension is real.
• 13:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, absolutely.
• 13:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think that that tension is all our life long we're managing that tension.
• 13:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: But especially when we add other people in the mix, so it could be our partner.
• 13:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It could be our spouse that all of a sudden name something and we're thinking, how do I balance my parent versus my romantic partner?
• 14:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we add kids, it certainly adds this element.
• 14:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I think something important that you're identifying
• 14:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: When our kids are little and they live in our home, it's a much more obvious choice that we have to do the stuff for our kids.
• 14:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And also because our parents are not elderly yet, so we make the choice for our kids over and over again.
• 14:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: But once we launch our kids, and our kids are adults, where adults are parents are adults, and you're describing a situation where there's multiple
• 14:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're not actually caregiving each other as in.
• 14:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I need you to operate on a day.
• 14:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're talking about those emotional connections and often feeling like, because I don't live with them or spend all my time with them, when I can do something for them, that feels like a big obvious way to demonstrate my love through
• 15:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Something important that we have to remember is that's not the only way to do daughtering.
• 15:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: That connection of you calling your mom and letting her know I wish I could be there.
• 15:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love you.
• 15:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: I, that's offering her an emotional resource and letting her know your sentiment.
• 15:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that is where we can all grow a little bit.
• 15:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Be can be aware of our daughtering in so many more ways.
• 15:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: We can narrate that by talking about it out loud, telling our mom, our dad, our children, our partner, our husband, our wife, and when we do that,
• 15:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: we create a bigger fullness for what daughtering is and we can start to give ourselves credit for other parts of it because you're not only daughtering if you drive five and a half hours and help with the packet.
• 16:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: A course you would want to do that, that was nice of you, but it wasn't the only way you got credit for the work that you did that week.
• 16:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: You did other things on the phone and through your planning and your loving and care.
• 16:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that you were also doing an important form of daughtering, which is, you were teaching your daughter how to interact between daughter and mother by showing her the example intergenerationaly and that's a huge part of our responsibility is training and teaching the next generation about how to be healthy and effective in their relationships.
• 16:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's beautiful.
• 16:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love it.
• 16:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, let's pivot now.
• 16:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have daughters as middle-aged women.
• 16:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have grown daughters fully grown who are doing their own daughtering.
• 16:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if it's this is so complex, it's amazing.
• 16:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: So how can she step out of with her now adult, 20 something, 30 something, 40 something, whatever.
• 17:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Step out of control and respect autonomy and relating in a new way.
• 17:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: How can women approach that shift in their relationship with their grown daughter with just humility and grace?
• 17:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's such a smart, beautiful way of thinking about what our opportunities are here to improve our family relationships.
• 17:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we started this conversation by talking about ourselves as the daughters, but we all exist in these multiple roles.
• 17:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a daughter, I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a worker, I'm a neighbor, I'm a community member.
• 17:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am all these things at once, but we do often
• 17:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: priority to one role or the other.
• 17:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so now we are shifting from thinking of ourselves of the daughter to thinking of ourselves as the mother.
• 17:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: What do I want for my adult daughter with her daughtering?
• 17:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I also think about this a lot.
• 18:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't have an adult daughter, but I have a teenage daughter.
• 18:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm very aware that I am responsible for teaching her
• 18:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And a big piece of that is talking to our daughter about her daughtering and also allowing for multiple things to be true at once.
• 18:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: So one of the things I've heard from many women over the years is mothers say, I don't want my daughter just to show up for me out of obligation.
• 18:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want her to want to be with me and then that's when they start using the friend language.
• 18:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: that obligation is just part of it.
• 18:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's always gonna be there.
• 18:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's just whether you wanna call it biological tie, evolutionary tie, a social cue, women are going to feel, our daughters are going to feel obligated to do dottering for us.
• 19:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: What we have to do is take that, but not negate that there's also a level of desire for them to be there, and when they give us daughtering, they are also seeking our mothering, and they get a big benefit out of being a member of a family, knowing that we're there to support them.
• 19:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: So one of my favorite things is that as I started learning about this and writing about it, I told my mom about the word daughtering.
• 19:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she started saying to me, thank you for dottering me today, or that was some good dottering.
• 19:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we laugh, it's a little silly sometimes it feels a little cringe.
• 19:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if I'm honest, it's very meaningful to me.
• 19:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she started
• 19:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not just when I come for a holiday, or I bring meals and I put them in their freezer, or I send her something in the mail because I know she likes these little lotion gel caps, right?
• 20:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, just for surprise, her.
• 20:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those are some doing or task things that are very visible, and she'll say, thank you for dotting me with these things.
• 20:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: But she started to really hone in on and notice when I give her emotional support.
• 20:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when she feels validated by me, she talks out loud and then I say something back.
• 20:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she'll say, thank you for sharing that wisdom with me or that was some good dottering.
• 20:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I am validated then as the subordinate member as the daughter,
• 20:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: that my effort was worthwhile, that it was meaningful, that it's accepted, that my wisdom as a daughter is valued and accepted and allowed in an adult capacity, which is very different than friendship, but so important to have validated for our young adult daughters.
• 20:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so that it boils down to that when you're with your young adult daughter,
• 21:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: see her for where she is right now.
• 21:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's the crux of life.
• 21:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: To just be a little bit more gracious with herself in this season of life where we're so used to mothering and then our children are, leave us and we're like, I'm really not actively mothering, but yet we are.
• 21:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it is complicated to be human, isn't it?
• 21:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think it's such a smart way of looking at that there is saying that part of my mothering of an adult child is allowing her to daughter me.
• 21:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 21:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Taking what she wants to give as an autonomous,
• 21:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: person in our relationship and letting her adulthood her personality, her wisdom, letting that impact me, and not constantly thinking that mothering is just a downward thrust, and a downward molding, and allowing myself to be molded changed and transformed by my daughter is a gift to her.
• 22:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's beautiful.
• 22:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: That just requires a lot of listening, a lot of empathy, and a lot of validation, right?
• 22:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 22:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 22:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of self reflection that you have raised a beautiful person who is a full adult human.
• 22:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: and they probably have cool things to share with you.
• 22:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: So if you can speak directly to the emptiness mom, who feels stretched thin between ageing parents and grown children, what would you want her to know about what it means to be a good daughter in this season?
• 22:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mom, daughter, wife, woman, who is stretched thin,
• 22:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just because you can see what could be done, or what needs to be done, doesn't mean that it's yours to carry.
• 22:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: We are so smart, we are so wise, we see so many things, we see what our parents need, or what they could use, or what could be done to optimize our brains, our optimizing everywhere.
• 23:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: We see what our grown child.
• 23:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: might have might need might want where they could go what path could open up, but just because we see it doesn't mean we should act on it and doesn't mean it's ours to carry.
• 23:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I want you to give yourself permission to pause before saying yes to something and definitely pause and close your lips before volunteering for something that no one asked you to do.
• 23:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: and recognize that a lot of in a lot of these situations are parents or a grown child they can handle it on their own and maybe they want some emotional connection from us but they don't necessarily need us to step in.
• 23:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: and take over.
• 24:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it's really okay to see everything and then still take a step back and let each of these people run their own lives and it's a beautiful but stressful time of life to be in between these different generations.
• 24:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think we have to find the ways to enjoy it.
• 24:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: What do I like about these people?
• 24:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: What do I value about my role?
• 24:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is so cool about where I am now?
• 24:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And saying those things out loud and bringing the top of mine makes us feel them more strongly so we can stay in that in the joy.
• 24:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love that.
• 24:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: So what you're saying is just because you've seen a need, it doesn't mean you have to meet it.
• 24:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have to just think, clear and pause and say, I said something I need to help with or should I let them figure it out on their own.
• 24:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
• 24:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, yeah.
• 24:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: But all all around us, even in the workplace, even with our neighbors, even with something that's happening down the street, even when we see something in politics or on the news.
• 25:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Our brains are going 150 miles an hour all the time, and sometimes we start to get confused.
• 25:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: That means we need to step in just because we've seen a space where something isn't being taken care of.
• 25:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if we let those things go, we will begin to see that there are spaces in our life where we need to take care of ourselves.
• 25:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that actually can rejuvenate us and help us to get in contact with what it is that we love about our family and what it is we love about our life.
• 25:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Love it.
• 25:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for this beautiful conversation, Dr. Allison.
• 25:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: I would love to know, can you tell my listeners where they can grab your book, Good Duttering?
• 25:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, absolutely.
• 25:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can grab this book anywhere, find books or sold, but you can also go to my website dottering101.com, my socials, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, dottering101.
• 26:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have a sub-stack, dottering101, and I'd love to hear your stories about what it means to be a daughter, what it means to be a good daughter.
• 26:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I really appreciate you sharing your listeners with me today.
• 26:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, wonderful.
• 26:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: I will have links to all those good things in the show notes.
• 26:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: What a thoughtful and freeing conversation.
• 26:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Mama, if you've ever been feeling stretched them between your parents and your adult kids, I hope this episode reminded you of something important.
• 26:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Being a good daughter doesn't mean doing everything, fixing everything, or caring everyone's emotions on your shoulders.
• 26:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: In mid-life, God is gently reshaping our roles, we're learning to love with more wisdom, more boundaries, and more trust in Him.
• 26:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're allowed to care deeply without caring at all.
• 26:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: You are allowed to honor your parents and respect your adult children while still tending to the woman God is forming you to be in the season.
• 26:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Here's your coaching tip of the week.
• 26:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: In each episode, I will give you one actionable step to improve your life.
• 27:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
• 27:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: This week, I want you to take a moment to contemplate where God might be inviting you to release guilt and receive grace in your role as a daughter.
• 27:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: If this episode encouraged you, I'd love you to share it with a friend who might be walking through the same tension.
• 27:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if you haven't already, be sure to follow the podcast so you don't miss future episodes on emptiness marriage, adult children, purpose, and all the beautiful complicated parts of mid-life.
• 27:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Grace and peace, Mama.
• 27:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: You've got this, and God's got you.
• 27:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama Podcast.
• 27:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: My hope is that you leave each episode feeling encouraged, grounded, and clearer.
• 27:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Clearer about what you're feeling, what God may be stirring in you, and how to move forward in the season of the empty nest.
• 27:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Through these conversations, I'm not just sharing stories, I'm coaching you, helping you name what's happening beneath the service, challenging the thoughts that keep you stuck and take intentional steps toward peace and confidence as a midlife mom.
• 28:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're ready to go deeper and want personalized coaching support, I invite you to apply for coaching.
• 28:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Coaching is a focused one-on-one space where we work together to gain clarity, process emotions, and discern what God is calling you to in this next chapter.
• 28:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: You'll find the application linked in the show notes, and let's stay connected.
• 28:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can find me on Instagram at P-Hinkleman.
• 28:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's P-H-E-M-K-E-L, M-A-N, or on Facebook at Pamela Eagleman, M-D-N-S-Coach.
• 28:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't have to figure out the season alone, Mama.
• 28:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Support and direction are possible, and I'm here when you're ready.