Latest / Harder Than Life / CrossFit Star & Big Brother All-Star Christmas Abbott on How to Find Yourself When Life Breaks You

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CrossFit Star & Big Brother All-Star Christmas Abbott on How to Find Yourself When Life Breaks You · Harder Than Life

• 0:01
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• 0:30
  You changed tires for NASCAR. What was that like? Terrible. My athletic career had ended. Then I said, who the is Crispin Sabah without that?
• 0:41
  My shield was who I was. And then it compounded because a year later, I got pregnant. How did you break that identity? I didn't break the identity. It broke me. God gave me a lot of warnings. And then when I went and listened, he was like, you will surrender to me, you will surrender to this child, and you will surrender to the life that I'm going to give you. We make things too damn hard. We make things too damn personal.
• 1:05
  You say confidence is not found, it's built. What is the first small promise someone should make to themselves today? Lie to yourself. Because when we have the thoughts, it actually creates the environment. My mantra was, I'm the baddest bitch here. And I would say it in my head over and over. Put your blinders on. Stay in your lane. Lie to yourself about how amazing you are and that you're doing a great job. And if you f*** up, keep going.
• 1:29
  What does it take to become one of the first women to ever change a tire on a NASCAR pit crew? Before the racetrack, she spent four years in a war zone in Iraq. She became a CrossFit Games athlete, a nationally ranked weightlifter, and a two-time best-selling author. Today, she's going to tell us how she got her spark back. She is a badass in every sense of the word. Please welcome Christmas Abbott.
• 1:56
  Your story is remarkable bananas. I had no clue it was in depth. I feel like I'm looking at a female version of me, but so much better and so much prettier. I didn't know you changed tires for NASCAR. What was that like? Terrible. Terrible. Listen, I loved the act of it. I accidentally got recruited for it. I didn't know that I was going to a pit crew. I...
• 2:25
  The guy calls me and he's like, hey, you want to come play NASCAR? And that's what he said. So I went and then I found out that we were doing a pit crew challenge, not driving, and beat all the boys. I swear I read about this in another book. That's a super appreciation.
• 2:41
  It was a part of 12 Seconds. You ever read the book 12 Seconds? Yeah. Pit Stop. You were in that, weren't you? When they referred to you? They didn't say your name. I don't know. I don't know, but I was the first female in history at the highest level. You had to have gotten so much grief and flack for being... I mean, look at you. You guys are watching us on YouTube. She's in remarkable shape. Booming energy. Booming smile. How was it being around all that testosterone? Yeah.
• 3:09
  It wasn't new. So it's funny because you just like jumped right in the middle of the story where, okay, so I got recruited for it and I loved the act of it. So I was really big in competing in CrossFit and weightlifting at the time. I'd been to the CrossFit Games. I had also, I was nationally ranked top 10 in my weight class for weightlifting. And so they were like, well, let's go make some history. And this guy that was a marketing guy was very smart about it.
• 3:34
  and he pulled me in. I had no idea what I was doing, but the best things that I've ever done in my life, I jumped right in, and it always scared the shit out of me. So I was like, if it scares me, I have to do it within safety. So I just said yes, and it was an amazing training experience. My team ended up coming around, but there was a lot of talk about because I'm pretty and...
• 4:00
  That got me the job. And this is one of my favorite quotes, is that you can't fake strength. You just can't do it. So I went on this circuit. It was kind of miserable, to be honest. Like the fumes, the pushback, the treatment from not only everybody else, but your teammates. And I finally got the respect when we went into the gym. We had been training together for a long time. And they just, I out lifted them.
• 4:31
  You said what I love to say all the time, face your fears, live your dreams. And if it scares you, you have to do it. That's why I know we're a lot alike. I'm the same way. And then you said you can't fake strength. But you're talking about physical strength in that moment. What I immediately thought about was for the audience members is mental strength. And it takes so much mental strength to have to do an entire change in 12 seconds.
• 4:53
  I thought it took more mental strength to not pop off at these guys that would talk, you know, walk by and say things under their... I mean, it is a good old boys crew. Who's the driver? Clint Boyer. Oh. Before they got popped for cheating. Sorry, I gotta say, that was before me. I mean, that came after me. What is harder, changing a tire in a NASCAR pit or changing the way the world sees you? Hmm.
• 5:22
  So this is kind of something that's a little controversial even with me is that I came up not caring what the world thought because like, they don't know my story, they aren't in my shoes. So I'm gonna do what I love and it, right? Like there's never been a time that somebody actually believed in me until I proved them wrong, except for my mama, right? So when you think about changing the world's perspective, and I know we talked about like, we may talk about rebranding and like,
• 5:50
  just this identification for yourself shift, this who you are through these experiences, I never sought out to have the world see me a certain way. When did you believe in you? There's this like, well, there's believing and changing your life and then the belief in yourself. Those were two very different
• 6:13
  Episodes for me and I still struggle with the later one. That's what I figure. Yeah, I do too Yeah, and I think everybody does on some level there's a continuum of all of this that and if you don't then you have this amazing Ability to just lie to yourself so true like it's actually concerning about how Much people can do that. I look at some people and I'm like I
• 6:37
  teach me this. Like how, like it's also, it seems sociopathic that they just can put on this happy-go-lucky face and you know them and I see them and I'm like, why are you so happy? Nothing's going right. That's how I've been lately.
• 6:51
  I've just been surrendering, letting go, letting God, and just all of a sudden things are happening. I had somebody on the show, they had this big fuck it bucket. Oh, yeah, I like that. And they throw everything in the fuck it bucket. I'm going to steal it. And I'm like, what? I love that. And you're coming out strong with some gems for the audience.
• 7:15
  When you look back at the younger reckless self, the young woman who got on a plane to Baghdad, what would you tell her since we're going so deep right now? Do it again. That was one of the things that I said yes to and I had no idea what I was saying yes to. Before that, and I attribute this to my mama, is that I had not a terrible childhood, but a hard childhood. And...
• 7:43
  It was like my teenage years were really, really tough because I got into a car accident when I was 13 and my whole family just like fell apart. So when I was a little bit later in my teens and early 20s, I just like ran down. I was like, if it's in front of me, I'm going to try it.
• 7:59
  and run with it. Like there was, I was such a gifted child and then I had this traumatic and I didn't know how to cope with it. And so I used anything and everything in front of me. And my mom saw that journey that I was going on and she said Christmas, actually she calls me Joy, it's my middle name, Joy. And- Christmas Joy.
• 8:20
  She set me up for success. I'm going to just give her all the credit right now. She set me up for success because I think in her mind she knew with a name like that, you have to do something daring. And so she told me and she kept harassing me to try it. She was like, it's so much fun because she was working over there to get out of a really bad marriage. And I finally just started when I make a decision or make a goal –
• 8:41
  either surrender or get run over because I will do it. And I started applying for this company and I applied every week for six months until they hired me because they gave me a laundry attendant job. They're like, just give this girl a job, get her over there. And I hopped on a plane and the first day I landed and we got stuck on the bus because there was an IED, improvised explosive device for those people that are not in the military. And I was like, can I get outside and smoke a cigarette?
• 9:10
  ignorant self was like so oblivious. And I am so I was driving in a war zone, active war zone. This is 2002 January. Like we were popping off and I was like, can I smoke a cigarette? I didn't I wasn't aware. So fast forward a little bit.
• 9:30
  We had some incoming into the camp. And that was the moment where, like, I was like, I want something better. And that has been my, like, my compass since. Is this good or better or, you know, bad? Like, I knew that I was going to end up killing myself by the decisions that I was making. And that's also when the idea or the thought of you can be the victim of your circumstances because everything had been happening to me.
• 9:58
  Or you can be the hero of your story. I made a change. I went to Baghdad for a company that was supporting the military and logistics. Oh, so you weren't in the military. No, I was paramilitary, but I did work. So you chose to go there. You're extra crazy.
• 10:13
  Well, I got rejected by the military for health reasons, which is hilarious because I ended up being a pro athlete. Yeah, I chose to go there. It was the only way that I could support the troops. I don't get into politics, but I wanted to support the troops. And I wanted to serve in the military. So I went and...
• 10:30
  I loved it. I worked there for four years. That's my education. Isn't the youth wasted on the youth? There's times today that I literally think, I wish I could have my carefree attitude of my 20s. If I could have that right now, which is funny, life isn't any more stressful. We just give it more meaning now.
• 10:50
  It really isn't. I don't have the financial stress that I had when I was in my 20s. I don't have the need to be validated. I don't know why I get in my head. Do you know what? The people that you coach, why do you suppose that that is? And I'm sure that you probably do it too. I think that it's time. Over time, we get experience and we expect more from ourselves. And then we start beating ourselves up for not having it. Hmm.
• 11:14
  Back to Baghdad. Sorry, I'm bouncing everywhere. I'm here for it. I'm just fascinated by what's going on. You discovered this fitness, this CrossFit in Baghdad. Yeah. What did training give you there that you cannot get anywhere else? Because you seem to weaponize everything.
• 11:29
  And that's a good quality. I like that line. Weaponize everything. I do the same thing. Yeah. Oh, you can tell me I can't do something? I'm going to show you. Tell me I can't and you can guarantee I'm going to do it. Yeah. Well, that comes from a deep need of acceptance.
• 11:45
  Hey, could you give it to me, judgefully, please? I'm here to wear myself now. Lots of therapy. Okay, I guess I do need validation. So in that moment when I decided to change, I was like, I want something better. I didn't know what I wanted to do because, again, I was drinking and smoking in a war zone. And I ended up...
• 12:01
  trying to run a mile for the first time and it it wrecked me because I had never done anything other than in middle school So I said fuck fitness. That was dumb people that do this to themselves are idiots and then a year later Six months later. I started just like getting on the elliptical. So that's like my gateway drug for fitness
• 12:23
  And then there's this thing where like you, it's a continuum of, I have to do this to get away from something. And then it clicks to, I want to do this to get towards something. And initially I was doing it because I wanted to get away from my old life. And then when it clicked, I remember being in my hooch, they called them.
• 12:45
  I was in my hooch and it's like this tiny, I mean, it's half the size of this room. And you have a bed and that's it. And I was doing push-ups on the floor because I was like, I noticed there was this change in me. And I couldn't.
• 13:00
  ever emulate that anywhere else, and I had done it. And it was only through that work, that time served, that I got that change, and it clicked. So that's when I found the drive towards something. That was clicking of the continuum on the other side.
• 13:17
  And this military fella, he must have believed in me in a way that I didn't know. He just kept telling me to watch this video of these girls working out. And I was like, I'm not watching a fitness video. It was like all bodybuilding and running then. So I eventually watched it and I fell in love with this chaos that was CrossFit. And I was like, this is what I need to do. And I was just a sloppy, bad person.
• 13:48
  technique maniac for it after that and The rest is kind of like I just didn't stop after that. I always say look good feel good do good and I love working out because A you have the best endorphins doing it and then it's the only thing you can see you can foreshadow of what you're gonna look like If you keep doing it It's so you can when your muscles are all pumped up. You can see oh I keep doing that's what I'm gonna look like I love it. I'm addicted but
• 14:16
  It's well documented. I did this. This is my safety armor. This is my armor. My parents beat me emphatically. And I said, I'm going to get bigger. So nobody's ever going to beat me. And I say all that to say this, is that we can build a body that looks unbreakable and still be falling apart inside. How did you hide that for so long?
• 14:40
  Listen, I can't even imagine having to go through having your parents treat you that way. And I want to say I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Thank you. I've healed it. And it's a part of the story. It's not who I am. But it also, I weaponized it. So thank you. I do receive it. But it got me here today. Yeah.
• 15:01
  I relate not to that detail, but to that journey. And I weaponized it because it was a control thing that it was the first thing in my life that I could control. And it was the first thing that I ever did that I was proud of.
• 15:19
  So that combination was like a spark in kerosene, you know? I'm so proud. Yeah. So I weaponized it because it was, yeah, my shield, my f*** you to everybody that said I was going to die in a ditch. I just felt that. I just felt that deep. I should have. What were you doing? You're not talking about a ditch in Baghdad. You're talking about you being wild as a teenager? I mean—
• 15:49
  yeah i mean i just did anything and everything i had no regard for the consequences of my actions and i mean before i left i mean it was i was doing meth just just whatever i could to avoid myself yeah and i don't want to sit there and say you know these things happen to you but we're also responsible for the change like once we have the awareness the awareness is not the change
• 16:15
  The awareness is the switch, right? You can either, now you know you're going down this path to either continue to self-destruct or you can make a change. Baghdad helped me become aware and then I made the change. So fitness was the portal. You've been the strong one for a lot of people. What does nobody see when they look at the strong one?
• 16:39
  that I'm really just like a little mush inside. You know, you have to, especially with like, this was kind of true in the fitness journey and in the NASCAR journey and working, remember I'm working in Baghdad where there's nothing but men. I'm 22 years old. I have always been in an environment or a work area that I am one of the very few women.
• 17:08
  So I've always been in these environments where I've been looked over, talked over, dismissed, disrespected, whatever, you know, just constantly. And so you build this. I mean, I'm very big into feminine or masculine energy. You build this persona. You're like, all right. And so you go in as this person.
• 17:27
  Bossy bitch, essentially their words, not mine. But you have to assert yourself in a different way. And that is kind of a tool that I use to be able to go in and command the room. Assert what I want without having any pushback. But for me, I prefer to be in my feminine energy. And I'm a lot more softer than what people probably know of me. We're having the masculine and feminine talk. I just read the book.
• 17:56
  How to be feminine. It wasn't funny. It says it's Dr. Elena is coming on in a couple weeks. And I read all of everybody's books when I come on. And I was like going through and I'm like, ooh. So you probably have to find people that are in full masculinity that can actually lead you before you can drop into your femininity. Yeah. By the way, gentlemen who listen to this. I just gave you guys the cheat code, by the way. Are you all listening? Yeah.
• 18:22
  The audience is growing. You got to lead your woman. You got to lead them. But not the whoo, whoo, whoo. But this one is you're putting me in my feminine and I like it because I'm almost never in mine. So I'm letting you lead and it feels good and we're kind of bouncing off of each other if you're feeling that. There's a moment.
• 18:45
  that I faced when success and losing yourself happened at the same time. We talked about it before we hit record. When did you realize it was happening? I was an ostrich. I pretended it wasn't. So I realized it really kind of happened when I broke my foot on Big Brother. I was there twice and I broke my foot. And when I fell, I knew that my athletic career had ended. Then I said, who the is Crispin Sabat without that?
• 19:15
  Like, right? My shield was who I was. I had entwined my identity with my accomplishments, with my hard work, with my protective.
• 19:25
  And then I couldn't show the world that anymore. And originally, like I said, I've never like sought the world's, like we were talking about how the world sees you. That's how the world started to see me because I didn't kind of chase the spotlight. It happened. And then I was like, oh, well then that's who I am. So the fans kind of decided my badass, all the things. And then I ran with it, right? So when I broke my foot, I thought,
• 19:53
  Who am I now? And then it compounded because a year later, not even a year later, I got pregnant. And I was like... Oh my goodness. Talk about identity shift. Identity shift.
• 20:08
  Let's go a little deeper into that because I'm feeling that right now where everything that got me here, the person I was that got me here is going to keep me here and not get me there. And I've ripped down who I was. Yeah. And that's why I said I've been surrendering. Everything I've ever known, work harder, do more, push harder, more, more, more, more, more, more, more. And now I'm doing less, less, less, less. Mm-hmm.
• 20:34
  And it is so uncomfortable. So how, when you break your foot, get pregnant, being in fitness, getting pregnant probably is not fun. And then was the relationship healthy with the, oh, you know what, I don't want to ask that because you had a baby. I was a single mama since pregnancy. Okay. That answers my question. Choice. So a lot was happening and it wasn't.
• 20:57
  Besides having a beautiful baby. He's so cool. He's so cool, man. He's rad. Well, look who his mom is. How did you break that identity then? How did you do it?
• 21:12
  I didn't break the identity. It broke me. God, so this is where I am. I have so many gifts that God gave me, and I found God on a lot of different levels, a lot of different times in my life. And I kept, as soon as I'd find him, I kind of go back to my own little ways, right? It's my plan. It's my gifts. It's mine. It's not. It's not.
• 21:32
  None of this I own. It is on loan to me and it can be taken away at any moment. So I realized, and this took a long time to go through because I've been in this bubble for a couple of years, where everything that I was doing was self-serving. Mm-hmm.
• 21:48
  And again, for me, it was more, bigger, faster. I had a team. Speed of implementation was important. All these things that just, it was a black hole of consumption with no fulfillment in the sense of, like, nothing would ever be enough. And so God gave me a lot of warnings. And slow it down, change your ways, slow it down, come back to me. And then when I wouldn't listen, because let's be real, I'm stubborn.
• 22:17
  I'm trying not to be as much. He broke me. He broke my foot in my career. He gave me a baby, which is not breaking me, but he was like, you will slow down. You will not only slow down, but you will not be selfish anymore. You will surrender to me, you will surrender to this child, and you will surrender to the life that I'm going to give you. So good. And so that's when I was like, shit. And it shifted everything in a way that...
• 22:43
  I still wasn't completely learning my lesson. I just still didn't really surrender completely to him until two and a half years ago. So it was a struggle. And I think that people like for me and you where we understand the hard work and the push through, like, yes, I will get through that wall. Give me enough time. Then it's not in our wiring, neurological wiring I'm obsessed with, to say, maybe I shouldn't actually go through that wall.
• 23:11
  Because that would be giving up. Or failure. Failure. And so now, like, I'm determined, but I'm a lot more fluid in what the goals. Actually, I just sent a little case study of your legacy should be your North Star and your goals are fluid to get there. That's so good.
• 23:35
  First of all, everybody's hooked on a reality show. You were on a reality show. How real was Big Brother? Can you even talk about it? Are you allowed to? Yeah, I'm allowed to talk about it. Well, the house is just a studio. And you're locked in there with 16 people. And you basically play games and then do social votes to have somebody leave once a week until you're the only one standing. So it's kind of like Lord of the Flies and prison. So what's the biggest lesson that you learned through it?
• 24:04
  my mind is not as quiet as I thought it was. Because, I mean, you have no access to the world. So you can't read, you have nothing to write in, no TV, no music, no anything. That was one of the caveats to my sequence of breaking, really just like breaking myself. I realized that it's all in your head. What do you do all day? You play the game.
• 24:30
  Your social strategy is, I mean, it's kind of like politics, to be honest. You're trying to get people to be on your team, but you don't want them to know that you're on the other person's team. And it is a power struggle. How long is the whole thing in real life? I mean, some people get voted out the first night. It's up to three months. Yeah.
• 24:52
  Wow. And so you're isolated. You're really just done. You get no contact. So it really- I would go crazy. Yeah, it does. And you see it happen to people, and people are like, ah! And I will tell people, look, the show is,
• 25:10
  is people lose their minds. They behave in a way that they wouldn't in their own home or their own environment. You're also locked in a house to win a large amount of money. You're going to act differently than if you were not trying to win the money, right? So it brings out parts of you that you didn't even know were there and you do lose your mind a bit. You see it happen a lot. And I did it twice.
• 25:34
  And both times I was there until the very end. Like the first time I got third place, the second time I got with All Stars, I got fourth place, which is where I met my ex-husband. We were locked in a house for three months, so it was nothing happened, but like I felt like we had
• 25:50
  And I do believe that we did create a really good friendship and a bond. So when we got out, we ended up dating. But there was a lot there that didn't really transfer over to the real life. And then the real life hit. And I was like, wow, this is different. What brought you to Big Brother?
• 26:10
  I think some super fans might not like this, but they called me. They have certain personalities that they want to put in the house, whether they're going to click with other people or clash with other people. They have a very specific character that they want to cast. And no, they don't tell us what to do. Like, I'm not saying that at all, but they are looking for personality types for a specific type of show, right? And so they had reached out to me, but I was on...
• 26:38
  tour with my book and I didn't know. And then the next year I found out they reached out again and I was like, yeah, I'll try out for this. Why not, right? Again, one of those. What made you say yes? It was a new challenge. Oh boy. It scared me. That's par for the course.
• 26:55
  I stayed consistent in my jumping into scary things. I could not watch it for a long... I still have never watched my whole season because of the mental anguish that I went through the first time. And I watched some of the seasons. I've recently started watching it because my fan base is curious about it. And now I'm curious as an outsider looking in and you just...
• 27:17
  you see people losing their mind, you feel for them, but then you also like, when they come out, I usually reach out to the ones that had a really hard time, like, hey, look, I've been there, I understand. So there's this exclusive group of big brother house guests, right? That's what we are. And there's fewer of us than people that have been to the moon.
• 27:39
  I mean, it's wild that and it's a very unique experience. And so I just usually reach out to them afterwards so they know that they're not alone in this adjustment of going back to real life. Watching that editing and how sometimes they make you look absolutely different than what you are just freaks me out. I would never. Plus, I always like to be naked, so I'd never be a good house guest. It was it was a challenge for some of us to start with. Who checks in on Christmas Joy?
• 28:07
  Mama. Who friend wise?
• 28:11
  I have some really great friends that, and they're, listen, my circle is small. People think that because you have a large social media or you put me at a public event, I'm on fire. I love being social at public events. I love hearing people's stories, talking to them. I'm like an energy activator. That's one of my superpowers. But at home, I'm very isolated, and that's not a bad thing.
• 28:37
  I have a couple really close friends from a long time, my family, and there's a few, but it's still hard because I don't have a long-term partner, you know, I tried that, it didn't work so well. Yeah.
• 28:54
  And I try to make sure that I'm doing my therapies, my practices, and my connection with God. What's the loneliest part of being the person everyone else leans on? Let's see where I'm going with this. I was trying to see who's got you besides mom. It's nice that you got mom. Yeah, it is. I'm not...
• 29:19
  It's weird because like I've been single most of my life. I had a short marriage and I love having a partner. But when I'm not in a partnership, like I like being by myself too. So I'm not...
• 29:36
  Without, in a way, like I'm not like lonely and other things. I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy myself. I'll take myself out on dates. I hang out with myself. It is like there'll be like little spots where I'm like, oh, man, I'd really like to go do this. And I like the relationship of a real partner because I am so good alone. That partner has to like exponentially improve my life.
• 30:03
  Sorry. Microphone dropped. We talked about the broken foot, the divorce, but we didn't talk about there's been some harassment. There's been some legal battles. You're a single mother. All this happening all at the same time. Which one nearly took you out? It was all at once. I know. Which one, though? There has to be one that was... This is so crazy. I had the same thing happen when the pandemic hit. Like five things hit at once. And I'm like... Yeah.
• 30:30
  I looked up at God and I said, you made me. You know I'm tougher than this. Keep bringing it. Yeah, yeah. But the one that almost took me out was I lost temper and accustomed to my daughter. You take my daughter away from me, she's my heart and soul. So that was the one that I was like, I didn't care about anything else that was like new. Yeah. That gutted me. I had the same happen for five months. Mine was three days, jeez, five months. That's terrible. And it was because I was protecting myself.
• 31:01
  No, it's because the other person, and I don't know this, but I'm going to tell you the other person is unhealed. Hurt people hurt people. And I remember when I got my daughter back, I just said, I would never do this to you. And I told my daughter, I will never stop fighting for you. But I looked at her mother and said, I would never do this to you. Yeah. You have to explain to your kid that they don't get to see their other because you're hurting. We make things too damn hard. We make things too damn personal.
• 31:29
  Oh, that's a better correction. Everything's hard. Learning how to tie your shoes, hard. Teaching how to tie your shoes was hard, right? Bunny rabbit, tie. But it's always, you know, where we while out or spin out or become the perpetual victim is because it's personal. Did your son save you? God saved me, but God delivered me him.
• 31:54
  My daughter saved me. She made me want to be a better man, better father, better leader, better everything. And I remember when I looked at the sonogram and they said, oh, it's a boy. And I said, yes. And they're like, oh, sorry, it's a girl. I mean, right after that, oh. But you know what I love about it is she's the kindest, most loving thing in the world. And God gave me a boy, I would have kept probably being...
• 32:20
  a drunken whore. But I believe that men get girls, not all of them, but men, you, it had to soften your heart or at least crack open the part that was softer and be able to connect to it more. This one's going to be a tough. So how do you keep being a mother when you're not sure you can keep being a person?
• 32:42
  I mean, this is going to sound so wild. So when my son was first born, I had a night nurse for two nights out of the week. Because it was just, I was alone by myself, right? You want to talk about having conversations with God? Praying while he's crying that you don't fall through the wall because you're exhausted and you're the only person there, right? That's why I said God was there for me. She told me, she said, when you're in hard times, remember, look at him.
• 33:10
  I remember that today is the last day he's going to be that small. I know. I'm like so tired. And it helped me so many times to like just get over my anger, get over my pettiness, my pity for myself. And just remember that that little boy has no idea about the rest of the world and you are his whole world. And so you get to show up the way that you want him to experience. It's like it's a different mind shift.
• 33:39
  And when I think about what do I want my son to be able to talk about his childhood to be like, it's f***ing easy to put that hat on. And it's easy to show up for him that way.
• 33:52
  Why is it so hard to show up for yourself? And what were you pitying? You thought this was going to be an easy interview, didn't you? People thought, you know, as much as like people think that I'm so badass and a hard ass and like I'm ambitious. I'm like, I want to be in a partnership. I want to be married with that lifelong and that, you know, that quiet, simple family life. Like that is one of my dreams. And so when I look at other people that have that, I'm like, why can't I? Why don't I?
• 34:20
  But that's not for me to necessarily entirely know for now. God has a reason, and we talked on this for a minute, is that as much as I want things, these hard times and these experiences are putting you in the – that's your conditioning.
• 34:36
  And I don't mean like your difficulty. The way you approach it are the lessons that you have to learn in order for you to go where God wants you to go. You can't go there until you're ready through these experiences. And I explained this to my son because there's things in my life that he asks about. And I'm like, baby, I want to explain this to you, but I'm going to tell you, you don't understand it yet. You're not old enough. And instead of saying you're not old enough, I'm like...
• 35:00
  do you know 10 times 10? He's like, yeah. I was like, do you think a baby that's six months old knows 10 times 10? He goes, no. I go, so this is where you have these stages of life of bigger understandings. And when you're older, you'll have that ability to understand, but right now,
• 35:16
  It's not. I know I pivoted on your question. I'm not unaware of that. My reptilian brain, yeah, you avoided the question you did. Let me ask. Ask me again. I'll answer it. It was my ADT. It was what did. Because I want the audience to connect to this. I want to know what, because everybody does. And what you're going to say, I'm going to probably cry with you. What were you pinning? The loss of my childhood. I mean, isn't that the root of exactly our, why we do what we do for the rest of our lives?
• 35:44
  I don't understand why people won't repair it so they don't just keep repeating it. That is the number one thing I want to do in Heart of Life is to make it cool and for people to just intercept the patterns. Yeah. Because we just have life's merry-go-round and I see it every day. That's also like why I have these conversations with my son. That's why I thought I had to think about how differently is he perceiving the
• 36:11
  than I'm in it, right? So that's why I shifted that. Listen, we're going to all mess up our kids one way or another. I want to minimize that as much as possible. Because if he grows up to be a dickhead, it ain't all me. So, sorry. But the other thing, too, is that, like, we have all these experiences. And what I have found is that talking about them helps us connect with each other. But we still have to rewire our spirit, our soul, and our neurological brain
• 36:39
  to get past it so we're not in this perpetual loop. We're gonna get into that, into the modality. I have a couple of more things that I wanna hammer on a little bit. Not hammer, just I'm gonna go a little deeper on it. Belief. Belief when you don't believe it is one of the toughest things. We talked about it a little bit, but what is something you believed about yourself before, during those years, that you no longer believe now? That I have to do it all.
• 37:08
  I don't these questions come to me and then I think how would I answer that do you want to expand on that at all do you want to answer I'm worthy because when I was robbed of my childhood I wouldn't call it robbed that's what the fable I made up in my head my parents did the best they could they were raised they were making me tough
• 37:33
  Isn't that amazing, though, that we have these experiences and it changes every generation, right? But they did what they knew. And so nobody ever wants to be a bad parent. Nobody ever is like, I'm going to be a shithead. Yeah. Well, we hope. There's some real assholes out there that could be.
• 37:51
  Right, but that's their own unhealed shit, right? But nobody's ever like, I want to be a really bad dad or I want to be a really bad mom. And then they go and do these things. They think it's about them when they're doing these other things that are actually really bad. It's their own issues that are coming out in these ways. So I was piggybacking off of what you were saying is that it's really their own experiences. And they don't, I don't want to say know better,
• 38:21
  They don't know how to unloop themselves. That's the one thing we're going to make. Hopefully we'll make aware from this show is unloop yourself. I just basically raised my daughter the opposite way that I was raised. I did literally the opposite of everything. And I know I've screwed her up because my standards are super high. And I hope that she definitely feels loved, worthy, seen, and heard.
• 38:48
  But she's going to struggle, I think, and I overcorrected and gave, gave, gave, gave. She knows no want. I had to scratch for food when I was her age, when I was young. I lived on my own by the time I was her age now. She's 17. I already lived on my own. And actually, right now, I was headed to college, so I left at 17. Yeah.
• 39:09
  But it all made me who I am. It made me harder than life. Nice plug. And I'm here today having fun. I equate everything to working out. I didn't get this big overnight.
• 39:21
  I just kept working, and this is part of the process. It's part, every single step along the way. When you were in survival mode, because I was there for a long time, what got you out of bed the days that there was no reason to get out of bed? When you were in Baghdad and whatnot. When you're in the absolute grind and you don't have that other person, what can the audience lean on if they don't have a kid? I think I set up my schedule.
• 39:48
  to have to get out of bed. In Iraq, you work 12, 13 hour days, seven days a week, four months straight, and then you get two weeks off. Like I had to thrive in excess or I would do nothing. So it wasn't an all or nothing for me. Like people are like, oh, you're an all or nothing kind of girl. I'm like, no, I am a disciplined or chaos.
• 40:11
  So for me, I had to structure my life so incredibly just consequential with consequences. So I didn't get up and go to work. I got sent home. Getting sent home meant I was going back to drugs.
• 40:29
  So for me, it was like the most extreme consequences. And- She made it so you couldn't do it wrong. That's the old Nick Saban approach. We're gonna do it so many times that you can't get it wrong, you couldn't. And I work on patterns and I work on structure and schedule and my ADD, I didn't get diagnosed until I was 40. Severe ADD, right? And I got my brain- You've been pretty good so far. I took my medicine today.
• 40:53
  I will get squirrelly later, okay, when it starts to wear off. Yeah, structure, accountability, ruthless accountability. Oh, man, we miss that in this world right now. I am so sick of people blaming everybody else. Yeah. Blame and shame. Get over it. So are you for accountability or not? What do you think? Well, it can go both ways there. I think I'm – I know I'm all about accountability. I –
• 41:22
  I do it. But also, I don't negotiate with myself. I'm the worst. This is where we want to talk about my daughter. Like, she'll get all A's and a B+. And I'll be like, really? B+, what happened there?
• 41:35
  And I'm like, she's like, Dad. I'm like, oh. Dude, my kid, this is, I see this very similar thing with my son because, like, I do hold him to a higher standard because he is. Because I hold myself to the high standard. Right. And I want him to understand that he doesn't have to be, like, you want to thrive for the best, right? But also have grace when you don't achieve it. There's a little bit of things there. But you also don't get the frickin' participation trophy. No, and I don't give it. We are, we are.
• 42:01
  We are all judged on our outcomes, not our outputs. You worked hard. Congratulations. Did you achieve the result or did we achieve the mission or not? That's all that matters. Yeah. Great. You worked out seven days a week, but you gained three pounds. What the hell did you do? Because you didn't have discipline over this other area. Yes. And I don't think that like, I mean, he is awesome. He makes his bed. He's seven years old. He makes his bed.
• 42:26
  Not surprised, by the way. We have these things every day and every week that he accomplishes. And some of them are like house contributions. I'm like, look, it's me and you, bro. I'm your mama, not your maid. And you live here, so you contribute. These are the things that you're going to have to do for the rest of your life. And when you're older, to be a good husband.
• 42:43
  and a good person, and just have better respect for yourself. So when you say yes sir, no sir, yes ma'am, no ma'am, when you shake hands, look at their eyes, they are telling people that you respect yourself. And so they're always, most of the time, is going to give you more respect than any other kid that says, huh, yeah, what? I'm like, those words don't exist in my house.
• 43:03
  Making your bed also is the first win of the day. He loves it. It was an absolute must for my daughter for years. Now, does she do it perfectly? Now she does. But for years it was thrilling. But at least she did it. He does a good job. Because I showed him. I was like, look, whatever I ask you to do, I'm going to show you as many times until I see that you've clicked it. And he brought his things. He was like, Mama, it looks like butter in there. It was so smooth. I was like...
• 43:29
  I love it. And you start seeing them take pride in these things. And I know we got a little off course, but yeah, I don't give out participation trophies. He got upset because in jujitsu, he didn't get something. And I was like, well, that's because you didn't do it right. I said, because you weren't listening to your coach when she was showing you what to do.
• 43:47
  Next time, what do you want to do? He's like, listen. I said, sounds like you figured it out. Practice makes the master. That's right. Keep practicing. You say confidence is not found. It's built. What is the first small promise someone should make to themselves today? Lie to yourself. Yeah.
• 44:04
  lie to yourself your face like what i didn't even like you caught me uh what lie to yourself listen i mean you have to take action so a plan is wonderful it doesn't do anything unless you take action i think the add medicine just kicked in
• 44:22
  I think it just wore off actually. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Lie to yourself, keep going. Lie to yourself. So this is the thing is that you have to take action. That's my biggest thing is like, fuck up, do it again, fuck up, do it again. You're still making progress, right?
• 44:38
  Lie to yourself if you need to. Like saying you're good at it? Yeah. Because when we have the thoughts, it actually creates the environment. Like instead of your – so I'll use fitness for a minute. This is something that I did for a long time. My mantra was I'm the baddest bitch here.
• 44:56
  And I would say it in my head over and over. I was outlifted, outran. I was like the little pips creek. I was like 110 pounds next to the girl that's like 150. And I'm lifting 95. My little heart is pushing, like about to explode. It's putting out so much effort. And she's like repping out 225, no problem. I would still tell me I'm the baddest bitch here because I put on the blinders and I didn't care what anybody else was doing.
• 45:21
  And I would have to tell myself, instead of negative talk, I had to tell myself good talk, but I didn't fully believe it at the time. And there's always gonna be somebody that's better than you, more accomplished, more successful, doing what you wanna do, better and faster, all the things. So you just have to stay in your lane, put your blinders on. It's like that swimming one where the guy looked over to look behind to see if he was where his opponent was and he ended up losing the swim meet. Stay in your lane, lie to yourself about how amazing you are and that you're doing a great job.
• 45:50
  And if you f*** up, keep going. Fake it till you make it. And that's manifestation, what she just told you. That's, that's. But you still have to take action. Absolutely. That's how, because what do they say? Goals without action are just, are just wishful thinking. Yeah, it's toilet paper. You didn't, you didn't always have this kind of confidence. So we haven't talked about therapy up until this point. And I just got done doing this integrated family systems, parts work. Crazy. We did a year's worth of therapy in five months.
• 46:20
  And it was hard. I had somebody say to me, therapy isn't supposed to be that hard.
• 46:27
  Maybe I don't want to listen. I don't know. I think when you're healing childhood trauma, especially the stuff that I went through and that all of us have gone through, it can be a little painful. I always like, everything's coming back to working out for me. So when you really work out hard, you rip your muscles and it hurts. So no pain, no gain. But you've done EMDR, nervous system work, and faith. Which one surprised you the most with how much it helped?
• 46:54
  I also did talk therapy and medication. Well, everybody does talk therapy. I think talk therapy is the biggest waste of time. I think it's where you start. It's kind of like weed. It's a gateway drug. You start with it and then go to the heavier stuff quicker. Right. But we didn't know because that was the most cutting edge things a long time ago, right? Remember when it was like taboo? You couldn't tell anybody. You couldn't tell. They're like, I'm in therapy, counseling, or I'm going to take tennis lessons. When did they put you on medication-wise?
• 47:23
  Well, I had postpartum. Okay. I was dealing, and that was, in my opinion, that was dealing with a heavy stalker, being a single mom from birth, and just, it was compounding. And the identity shift, everything. So they put me on like a small antidepressant.
• 47:46
  But it was kind of just to kind of stabilize me. And then that's also when I got tested for ADD. And I remember my psychiatrist looking at me, she goes, how have you been able to function? Because you're off the charts. And I looked at her, I said, well, I lifted heavy and ran fast. So I do a deep dive about ADD. I'm going to go gear off and I'm going to come back on it. OK, cool. Is with ADD or ADHD, my son was diagnosed at five. And we do heavy work.
• 48:15
  If he's feeling a little extra bouncy, I give him a gallon of water and he does laps around the house. We have to, like the way that our nervous system and brain function works with this issue is that push-pull, like that weight, it actually kind of, I call it a transference.
• 48:32
  it transfers the chaos out of us. We can sit and pay attention and do well after we've done a push-pull or some sort of exertion with our body. Now, if you just run, it winds the mind up more. But there's something different about like a push-pull movement or swimming where there's something to push your body back that actually just calms the nervous system with the ADD, ADHD movement.
• 49:01
  people. So I had been self-medicating for 20 years, almost 20 years at this point. And then I wasn't doing it as much because I was a new mom and I wasn't getting that
• 49:14
  that medication and I was like well I've been dead lifting and running fast for a long time so now with my son that's why I have him in jujitsu that's why we we do a lot of like work at home with structure and everything where it just helps minimize his his ADD
• 49:33
  Let's put it on something good. You did all that therapy, all the work, all the lying to yourself, everything that you've said aforementioned. What does getting your spark back actually feel like in the body before you can even name it? Oh, man, it's like sunshine. Isn't it? Yeah. I go, holy shit, I really am a happy girl. You went sunshine. What else? Because I'm dangling the carrot for the audience right now. If you do the work, this is what happens. You feel like sunshine? I mean me.
• 50:02
  You. Yeah. Like I'm sunshine. Your authentic self. I was explaining. Actually, I was talking to one of my best girlfriends and I was like, thank you so much for putting up with my shit for so much years. Like the big talks, the weepingness and like just being there for me. She's like, I believed in you. I was like, yeah, I appreciate that. I'm thanking you because I was a wet fucking blanket. And, you know, even when you're trying and all this stuff and you just feel like you're you're.
• 50:26
  how much you're trying and you still don't see any results is really devastating. And then suddenly it just breaks open and you're like, wait, I am a happy girl. I am who I thought I was. And there's nothing wrong with me. Like, I'm not a misfunction. All right, let's talk about fitness and strength because that's, you're looking at, you're impressive. Why does the health and fitness conversation completely fail people after, when they turn 35?
• 50:55
  Because your body changes and you don't accept change. That's my perspective. Are you talking about people that have been in it and then suddenly it shifts? Yes. And then they're like, well, fuck it? Yes. Yeah. Because they don't want to accept that their body isn't 20 anymore. This is what I talk about with my clients. I teach women or coach women 40 over. 35, it starts to change. I have found that most 35 women don't want to accept that change.
• 51:21
  Their body is going to be 40 soon, so they're not yet changing. Does that make sense? Yes. But just so you know, all of your stuff, all of your content is the same for men too. I literally looked through it and I'm like, this is the same. I just looked at the question. I'm thinking, it said women. And I'm like, oh, this is true. At 38, I started putting on weight like I couldn't even freaking imagine. Yes, the tire.
• 51:51
  Getting chunky and I go and I go get tested and my testosterone was like 230. Yeah, and I was like, oh And you can take something for that. Yeah, and it was a godsend But but you still got to do the work That's where I was getting at is whether you have if you haven't started start if you have started and you see decline
• 52:11
  Find Christmas's program, but also go get tested. And we have tons of episodes coming out about peptides. Or by the time yours airs, they've already aired. Peptides and getting testing. We have partnerships with people now that you can go get tested.
• 52:28
  testing to make sure it's not something that's just genetic or hormonal. I'm going to harp on this real fast because this is something that is like one of my soapboxes. Don't take anything like a peptide or a semi, like whatever it is, without getting your blood work done. You should be getting your blood work done minimum twice a year. If you really want to get into it, get it every quarter because that is a precursor to your entire health.
• 52:53
  Because I remember I actually begged my doctor after my son was born. I was like, please do a blood panel on me. He was like, why? You're eating well. You eat well. I mean, I wrote the book on a diet. You're exercising. You're, you know, all your numbers are in the right place. Why do you want to get blood work? I had to cry in his office and demand that he get my blood work done. Come to find out my thyroid was hypo. So I had blown up. I was, which gave depressive symptoms.
• 53:23
  And it was like at an eight. It should be a zero to one and a half. And it was basically non-working. And I got so pissed off. So before you do anything, you should be getting your blood work done minimum once a year until you're in your 35, 35 twice a year minimum. And that is going to show you what your normal ranges are. Because he was like, and then they came back like your stuff is normal. I said, for who?
• 53:50
  I'm a top level athlete. My testosterone should be at this point. My, you know, I went through and I was like, none of these things are normal for me. That's normal for the everyday American. And that's not me, right? It's not normal for Wonder Woman here.
• 54:06
  Wonder Woman is invisible. Or you could use her lasso on you and make it invisible. But when you have your data, you have the insight. If there's something health like cancer, anything that is off, you'll be able to already be empowered with that information. And then you also know exactly what you need for any other supplements.
• 54:25
  or supplementing. Chris, you know, what you measure gets better. And a lot of people, you said self-awareness, you know something's off. Go get the blood test. It's less than $100. They'll come to your house, get it done. Like I said, we're working on relationships with people that'll come all over all 50 states and it's simple. But they don't want to do it because they don't want to know the answer. That'll scare you. And then I'm like, listen, I'm a person, if you want help, I'm happy to help you. But if you want help and to be the victim, I'm going to say, well, you got to figure it out.
• 54:55
  Well, I hate that you go to these places, especially if this happens to me. You go there and you're optimized. So then you have to go to someone like you or a functional health medicine or a holistic doctor and say, you know, the normal doctor based on BMI, which is so old, says that I'm healthy. How do I get this?
• 55:14
  We turn into one of the other episodes. We got a million of those going, but you can see the two of us are in shape. Let's continue going and then we're going to get into the rapid fire. Okay. What did you want to exist for women that did not? And how did that become your... I'm sorry, but it's called CanActive is the name of your program. So what can they get in CanActive that doesn't exist that you needed it to exist? Okay.
• 55:41
  I needed a different program because I was over 40 and my body was not responding the way that I was doing things in my 20s and 30s. My body was like, we're not working that hard. I'm going to not recover. So more recovery, more tailored programs with this is if you have an injury.
• 55:58
  or you don't like a movement, you don't have to do it. So you can replace it with something else. Full macro meals. So I give you a, I do a diet plan, not a diet plan, but a whole macro plan. You get the
• 56:13
  meal you get the recipe you get the grocery list if you have an allergy or dislike of any ingredient you can put that in there and i will never send you anything that has it in there you can swap it out and you can also make your own meals so i have certain meals that i've done i've logged them and it's a quick log and it tells you you can do meals and snacks and
• 56:33
  And it basically tracks your macros, especially with your workout. Women over 40, we need more protein. And it shows the balance of the meals. We do a community. We do mindset. And then I'm also implementing understanding your hormonal balance. First thing you have to do is get your blood work done. Mm-hmm.
• 56:51
  and then you talk with the doctor. And if you don't need anything, great. You can do like some supplements, whether it's a over-the-counter supplement, or if you need a peptide or whatever, they're not there to sell you these things. They're there to show you your deficiencies. So you can get to a baseline. And then if you want to, you can talk about optimization. That's where people want to just jump to optimization without understanding their baseline.
• 57:15
  And I mean, it's just different because I won't do some of the exercises that I did in my 20s and 30s because one, I've earned not to. That's my number one. And two, if you don't like it, you don't do it. I can write the perfect nutrition plan for you or the perfect workout, but if you're not enjoying yourself, you're not going to do it. So I would rather give a little bit less, but a little bit more potent and you enjoy it and then you get much better results.
• 57:44
  I'd like to combine the two. If you don't want to do it, do it, but figure out how to enjoy it. And if you can find joy in everything, that's a life tip. That's a mental thing. I'm going to tell you from men's perspective, especially mine right now, I'm doing some of the most incredible workouts that...
• 58:04
  I didn't think I could do. And I'm pushing past. I've been posting them. I've been showing the weights that I've been pushing. I'm not a bodybuilder. I went to the local powerhouse here and lifted the 150s like it was nothing. Yeah. I did. I just. It's here, man. It's here. And I want to push past it. And the joy that I find in doing that is making the impossible possible.
• 58:25
  Well, there's also like you have to have the consistency to build the confidence to start getting after it that way. Oh, I lied to myself. Because people don't – I like it. People don't start there. And for me, I feel like I'm an introductory from people going from like a hard –
• 58:41
  reset of their identity, their body, women, identity, body, and they're like, I have babies, I've gone through some hard times. It's a gentler approach than what I've done historically. But I also like, I love that getting uncomfortable, but you have to build to that. That's what the community is about is that they see these other women starting to push themselves. And then they naturally kind of want to start chasing it too.
• 59:03
  Community of badasses. You went there. So if a woman feels like she lost herself in this season of life, what is the very first thing you want her to hear? Oh, man, you're not alone.
• 59:14
  Not alone. What's beautiful about this time that we're in is that we are really starting to vocalize through amazing things like social media platforms. We have a voice. Women are seeing that that struggle is across the board. I think most every woman has it at some point or another. And that they're not alone so they can reach out and have support.
• 59:38
  Let me tell you from a man's perspective, especially a relatively healed. That was healed enough for today. You can't fake fitness. No. And I think I'm going to take you much more serious and believe what you say when I see that you're in shape. And it's sexy. I don't care what anybody – I hate when people say, I don't want to get bulky. Like, okay, go try. Good luck.
• 1:00:00
  Because with that attitude, you aren't even going to get in shape. So, all right, rapid fire. And this has been awesome. I am going to tell people they have to share this. But please share the episode with your wives, girlfriends, side pieces, whatever you got. Oh, my God. I didn't say it. She's been great. Iraq or the NASCAR pit, which one scared you more? Iraq. After I was in there.
• 1:00:29
  The one habit you'll never skip. Making my bed. Coffee before training or after? Before now, but when I was competing after. The lift that makes you feel the most powerful. Snatch. I would see you crazy my shoulders. Everything just hurt on me when you said that. I love it. Best three words of advice you ever got. Just do it. Sorry Nike. A book that rewired how you think.
• 1:00:58
  Hmm. I don't know. Bible? Yeah, actually, if I think about all that, like... It's the best... It's got some good nuggets in it. It's the best personal development book out there. Oh, man. Finish this sentence. Confidence is... Key. Sexy. Needed. Not exclusive.
• 1:01:20
  Christmas joy. This has been a pleasure. Till everybody, thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. And till next week, be harder than life. Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Seagull supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with. Delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity.
• 1:01:46
  Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.