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Sasha's World · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:03
  Okay. So this is Sasha, and I'm walking, so you may hear some background noises. I hope it's not too much. If it is, I can talk about this later. But I can't not talk about it right now because oh my goodness.
• 1:24
  First of all, the sun is out. The sun has not been out in what feels like months. So right now, I almost can't even see the sidewalk where I'm trying to walk to the park. Like, it's so bright, but it's good because we're outside, and it's warm. It's not snowing, and we can go for a walk, and that feels good.
• 1:50
  So I just oh, it feels good to be outside, and I'm proud of us for being outside. I'm proud of us for thinking that it feels good to be outside. So we're functioning. Right? That's something.
• 2:09
  It should count for something. And the other thing the other thing that's a really big deal today that I just need to talk about is that we went to group. What? I know. Right?
• 2:35
  Like, the ultimate introverts went to group. Except that there were, like, all of these protections for social anxiety. Number one, it was on the computer, not in real life. I mean, it was real, but not in person. So we signed up for these coaching sessions and it's with other people who are plural in different degrees.
• 3:09
  And I don't really wanna talk about that because, like, it's not my business to talk about group on the podcast. But I do hope that we get to interview the leader of the group on the podcast, and we've already talked to them about that, that system. And they're agreeable, so that's exciting and will come up later in the future. Just someone dropped some lumber in the garage. It's okay.
• 3:39
  Now time is safe, guys. Just keep walking. Anyway, the leader of the group is the Chris's, and they are actually speaking at the AIM conference that is coming up at the end of the month in Florida. So there's a hundred things I have to tell you. There's an infinite mind Conference, and I'll put the link in the blog.
• 4:26
  But there's the Infinite Mind Conference that is coming up about DID in Florida at the end of a month. And there are lots of us going, and we are going. And not only are we going, but we are one of the sponsors of the conference. We actually have one free ticket we're going to give away. And so you would still have to pay for, like, your travel to get there and where you stay once you get there, but you won't have to pay for conference registration, which is a huge help.
• 5:01
  Or maybe there's someone local that wants to go but can't pay for registration or something. So we have a free ticket to give away to registration for the conference. And the only qualification is that you have to register for the conference in your same name that will match your identification. But that's only for conference registration and for signing in. Like once you're there and you have your stuff, they said you can put any name you want on your name tag or even change it up.
• 5:45
  So that's super exciting. So all you have to do to sign up for the drawing for the free registration to the conference, is to share a link to this podcast and let us know that you did. So you can tag us or message us. That way, we'll know you did, and we'll put your name in the drawing. And we'll have the drawing next week.
• 6:07
  Ah, it's so exciting. We will also be featuring several of the speakers this month. So you'll get to hear more about them before you go or if you miss the conference. So that's a thing, and it's super exciting. I'm sorry again for the background noise of the cars and the wind, but, like, it's gorgeous outside for a winter day.
• 6:38
  And it is really important for our stability that we come outside today. Like, we totally need to be outside and play. And we'll let the littles play in a minute, but we need some sunshine. Shine. I need to talk to you guys, and we will feel much better.
• 6:54
  So what I wanna tell you is that we started this group. And, obviously, I can't talk about what happens in the group on the podcast. That's not what I'm here to do. But one of the topics in the group for our first session was the same thing we're already talking about in therapy, which was super helpful. Right?
• 7:12
  But it's about, like, the internal world. And some people, I feel like, who have systems or are plural I mean, some people who are plural are already really good at this. And we've seen some videos online that are pretty specific. Like, people have worked really, really hard on their internal worlds and expressing what that is like for them and what that looks like for them. It kinda blows me away.
• 7:47
  We're not there yet. First of all, I didn't know it had a name. That, like, internal world or internal landscape, I didn't know that that was a thing. We've talked about this before on the podcast. So we've been learning about it for a while, two or three months maybe.
• 8:07
  And what I can say is that what we've kind of become aware of is that we don't have an internal world as far as, like, a safe place inside or where we can meet up or whatever. We have an internal world that's still left from where we came from. So what we have inside is the same place that we grew up. Does that make sense? So there's a house, a rather large, like, farmhouse.
• 8:44
  It was on a farm and next to other farms. And there's a pasture that went to the neighbor's house that were, like, good neighbors. So none of that I mean, so the neighbors were not scary people. Let me just say that. That's not that was a respite for us, if anything.
• 9:07
  And oh, that's what the therapist meant about learning kindness from other people when it wasn't our parents. Oh my goodness, why can I never understand anything in therapy? And then it like comes out later. This is why I had to walk and talk because it's how my brain works. That's when I put pieces together and when things fall into place when I move physically.
• 9:28
  The doctor says it's something about cortisol or whatever, but and how the brain works, but I don't know that to tell you. Someone else she she will have to tell you that because I don't get it. But I feel it, and I'm experiencing it, so I hate when she wins. Okay. So, anyway, we don't have that per se.
• 9:52
  No. That's not what I was saying. Oh, Yeah. Yeah. The farms.
• 9:55
  Right? So this is where we live when we were little. There's a house, and I'm not gonna talk about the house right now. But the littles are all still in the house. And there's the good neighbors, which I can remember, like, thinking about or looking at or something, but not like, I know we don't still live there.
• 10:23
  And then there's also the pasture between us and the neighbors where the horses were, and that was a good place. So there's, like, happy things in there, which I guess is reassuring somehow. But then also on the other side, like, past the chicken coops is where the grandparents lived, and those that's a different house. And then the woods on the other side is their house. So that's kind of where we grew up, and that's kind of where everybody still is inside.
• 11:01
  So if we're talking about different people inside or altars, I guess, is a fancy word. If we're talking about altars having specific jobs or roles on the inside or from the past, which I've also learned is called an EP, like an emotional part. Not meaning, like, they're emotional, ah, drama, emo, but, like, stuck in trauma or stuck in a memory or stuck in time or holding that experience as opposed to someone like me who has to function in the world a lot. Well, I don't really function a lot. I avoid functioning a lot.
• 11:48
  But, I mean, like, doctor e or the others who, like, have stuff to do. I can do my own thing. I hate the husband that counts for something. Right? So, like, functioning or a and p or whatever, apparently normal parts.
• 12:04
  This is all this lingo I'm learning that I didn't know as a thing. So, anyway, they're all still there in the same places where stuff happened. So if we talk about people who had a certain job in the past, like those people with those jobs are still there, which is why now time is safe. It's such a big deal for us because they're not in now time yet. And so we've been working with the therapist on trying to, like, help everybody know that there's a difference between memory time and now time.
• 12:40
  And that now time is safe, now time has the therapist, now time has the husband, and in now time, the parents are dead. Dead, dead, dead. So we're working on all this, but we're not there yet. But a piece of that, which I finally understand oh my goodness. Another piece is making sense to me, like, right now, as if the world just turned on in color.
• 13:09
  The therapist has been saying for a year, a year she's been saying, we need to go rescue these people. And I'm like, from what? Like, we're fine. But now I get it. Oh my goodness.
• 13:21
  As I'm talking, I get it. This is why I had to do this. Okay. So these people that are still stuck in time are also inside, still in the same places where everything happened. So okay.
• 13:39
  So this is big stuff. I mean, maybe you guys already know it, and you're already good at it. But for me, it's brand new, and it's just now clicking. After a year, a year, you guys, it took me a year to figure this out. Or if you count the first therapist before, then it's taken, like, twenty years to figure this out.
• 14:03
  Oh my goodness. Okay. So, basically, what we can do, they're saying in those videos I watched and the therapist and in group, maybe they're telling the truth and know what they're talking about, they're saying that we can basically use our imagination either together or kind of on our own. Like, not on our own so much as to wreak havoc, but to get things started or trying. Like, use our imagination to create safer places internally.
• 14:50
  Like, my mind is so blown right now. So okay. So an example is this. We have one I wanna be careful about this because I don't wanna disclose things that are not my story, but I think this is an example of how it fits appropriately, and it's okay to share as long as I don't go into details. But we have one who's a child who is still in our bedroom from when we were little.
• 15:28
  Right? So for lots of reasons, that could be a problem. But the therapist somehow got in there, which I don't even know how to explain, and it's not my story to tell. So I can't go into that right now. But she got Christmas lights hung up in there.
• 15:45
  Like, how did she do that? So instead of being in the dark, this girl has Christmas lights in her room now. That's an example of this. I didn't realize it was a legit thing. I was just like, why are you fooling around and messing around with scary stuff?
• 16:00
  Only she made it less scary for the girl. Like, I finally get it that this little girl now at least has some Christmas lights. So instead of just being alone and in the dark, she knows that the therapist can get to her and help and that the therapist left us Christmas lights in that room, which makes the room way less creepy, I have to admit. But I think that's what they're talking about. Does that count?
• 16:33
  Oh my goodness. Like, my I my brain is totally exploding right now. Wait. What? What?
• 16:41
  So now I'm trying to think where else is safe inside, like the pasture, for example, and how can we use safe places to make communication with other people possible, so, like, using our imagination. So I almost can't even stay in my skin right now. Like, this feels so big. But, like, I don't even know how to get people's attention. How do we get people's attention from the pasture?
• 17:16
  I don't know how to do this. I am not a farmer. I mean oh. Oh. Oh.
• 17:27
  You guys, there was a bell on the porch at the neighbor's house, and that's how she called her husband in for dinner. She rang the bell. We got to ring the bell. The bell was very cool. It was a giant bell hanging from the porch, and there was a rope on it.
• 17:43
  And we could pull the rope, and the bell would ring, and he would come for supper, and we would get to eat too. Oh my goodness. Okay. This is huge. So how can we use the bell, like, in the pasture to at least get people's attention or find a way to make people safe or to help people know when to listen to hear the therapist or something.
• 18:06
  Oh my goodness. You guys, does this count? Do Christmas lights and pasture bells count? Like, can that be a thing? I mean, I know it's not super elaborate.
• 18:16
  There are people who have shared their worlds online who have, like, even designed it on the computers or in Minecraft or other programs. Not that's not gonna happen with us because we're just not computer people. But we just that's not gonna be our thing. But we can learn from that, and you have to start somewhere. Right?
• 18:40
  So even if that's all we've done some so far, like, can that count? Does that, like does that help? Are we on the right track, or is this just crazy sauce? I don't know what to do. And if we could put a bell in the pasture to let people know it's safe, can we put a different bell in the woods to let people know it's safe or when there's danger or when the therapist needs to help or we need to get the therapist up.
• 19:18
  Wait. What? Okay. So this has totally blown my mind right now. I just I don't know if this is the right thing.
• 19:29
  I don't wanna mess anything up. I feel like I've made two changes that to me feel really huge, and everyone else is gonna be like, you're ridiculous. But to me, it feels like a big deal. This maybe is not the most informative podcast ever. I don't know, but I feel like the world has been shattered in, like, a good way.
• 20:02
  Like, somehow, all of a sudden, I feel very powerful. Like, not in a bad way, but in an empowered kind of way. Like, where else is scary and dark and alone, or who else is scared and alone, and how can we help them? Like, that's my next question. And so it feels very overwhelming, but also, like, creative and freeing and empowering.
• 20:34
  And I feel also at the same time foolish that the therapist has been working for a year to just tell me this, what we finally figured out or understand. It's like a breakthrough somehow. And I need to just brainstorm and talk to some of them that I am able to talk to and journal in the notebook so that others I don't know how to talk to can see it and see what ideas we come up with. And maybe we can let you know about that because this is big, Really big. I don't know how people started or how long it takes or if it's really helping or whatever.
• 21:17
  But I also know to be careful. Like, I don't wanna mess things up for anybody. Like, I don't wanna go around putting in bells if that's actually a bad thing for somebody. It's not a bad thing for anybody that I know of. But if communication is the one of the things that we're learning about and talking about, then before I start installing bells everywhere, I should probably go, hey, guys.
• 21:42
  Anyone have a problem with bells? Are bells okay? Because they might be fine for me, but not fine for somebody else. But Christmas lights, the same thing. Like, maybe that's okay with somebody, but not okay with somebody else.
• 21:58
  But for us, it was okay, and it's worked. And they're still there, like, a month later. She's not in the dark anymore, you guys. Like, this is big. So it also so, like ah, okay.
• 22:13
  So it feels really big, and I can see how it's such a global thing and can impact everybody for better or for worse on the inside. And so, yes, communication and inviting people to participate and talking about things before just going around changing up the world is gonna be really important. But also, like, I have to think about it just for me, from my own perspective because I can't participate in the group, meaning, like, our system, not the group, like, the group session. I mean, we can't I can't I myself cannot participate in that kind of conversation if I don't even know what I need. And knowing what we need is really hard.
• 22:55
  So why is that? I don't know. I know some things. I need sunshine. I already said that.
• 23:03
  Right? So that can go on my list. I need dates with a husband. That can go on my list. And for me, that means a couple needs.
• 23:12
  Like, I need sunshine because I don't wanna be inside and depressed all the time. Ugh. Gross. It makes me crazy. So the husband has some depression, and there are some others inside that has some depression.
• 23:26
  But I don't have depression, and I don't want it. And I don't like living a depressed life. So just going for a walk in the sunshine, even if the wind is still cold, actually feels really good to me. So walks. I need walks outside.
• 23:39
  That's on my list. And then I don't wanna parent all the time. Parenting is not my job. It's not why I'm here. It has nothing to do with me.
• 23:51
  Although, I can get into some pretty killer marshmallow fights. So I need dates with the husband where we're not talking about parenting, where we don't have kids with us, where we're not in the hospital or dealing with crises or having to do responsible things. I need to just play, like, like, hang out and be fun, whatever. I also know someone who, for safety, and, again, not telling more than what's my part to tell, but for safety, like, our runner, needs to go on trips so that we're legal and functional and come back home. So we have to plan things.
• 24:39
  Right now, therapy is meeting that need because therapy is four hours away for us. So that weekly trip is helping that the weekly trip is helping that need. So that's an example. Maybe that's not about worlds, though, except it keeps us from hiding. Wait.
• 25:05
  Would she need a place to hide? Could that be a thing? If we have someone who wants to run to hide wait. What? I've literally stopped in my tracks.
• 25:22
  What if we just gave her a safe place to hide? Can we do that? Is that a thing? What would that look like? She's little.
• 25:40
  I know that. I mean, not tiny, but she's younger. So what would a safe place to hide look like for someone who's younger? Oh my goodness. My brain hurts.
• 25:54
  This is all so big, and it's so much. I feel like I feel like I'm so powerful now. Like, things are popping up in front of my eyes as I walk. I may have finally lost my mind. Like, I may have seriously lost my mind.
• 26:23
  I'm totally just seeing things in the field as I walk through on the trail. Oh, these are clues. I feel like they're clues. The things that I'm seeing and the ideas I'm having. Are they from other people?
• 26:38
  Like, other insiders, and are they responding already? What? Okay. I feel like there's some kind of faucet that has been turned on, and everything's changing in a good way all of a sudden. And I really can't, like, handle it or control it or I don't know how to moderate that or turn it off or turn it down or if I just messed everything up.
• 27:05
  So maybe maybe I need to stop here and, like, take a break and check-in with the therapist before I destroy the world as we know it. Because we've either had a very serious breakthrough that's huge and good and amazing, even though there's still a lot of work to it ahead, or I really messed things up, which is also likely in my case. I don't know. So tell me what you know about internal worlds, which videos are your favorite about internal worlds, and how did you learn to do that for your system? What is good?
• 27:45
  What's not good? What's helpful, not helpful? Important to remember, how do you be careful so that, like, people feel included and something that helps one person doesn't trigger someone else. Things like that are the things I'm thinking about. So we'll check-in again after we do this or try it or start or talk to the therapist or something.
• 28:08
  We might just explode. There's gonna be pieces of us everywhere. I don't know. Right now, I'm gonna walk home before I get lost because now it feels kinda risky. So thanks for listening.
• 28:19
  Bye. Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community@www.systemspeakcommunity.com. We'll see you there.