Latest / The Ben Maller Show / The Fifth Hour: Poop Loop

Transcript

The Fifth Hour: Poop Loop · The Ben Maller Show

0:00
Speaker 1: Kubbooms.
0:02
Speaker 2: If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
0:05
Speaker 2: a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
0:09
Speaker 2: of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
0:12
Speaker 2: treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
0:15
Speaker 2: rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
0:18
Speaker 1: Wow.
0:18
Speaker 2: The Clearinghouse of Hot takes break free for something special.
0:22
Speaker 2: The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
0:29
Speaker 1: In the air everywhere.
0:32
Speaker 3: The Fifth Hour would be Ben Mahler and Danny g Radio.
0:36
Speaker 1: A Happy Saturday to you. It is early.
0:39
Speaker 3: We are recording this podcast for your consumption on demand
0:45
Speaker 3: at a very odd hour here on this twenty first
0:48
Speaker 3: day of February's the Olympics reached the crescendo this weekend,
0:54
Speaker 3: and I think that's it right, tomorrow's last.
0:56
Speaker 1: Nay, I'm correct on that. I believe I'm right at that.
0:58
Speaker 3: On this episode of The Fifth Hour we have the
1:02
Speaker 3: Lost episode and the social Experiment.
1:05
Speaker 1: We'll start with this.
1:08
Speaker 3: So, as a person of a certain age have issues,
1:15
Speaker 3: we all have issues. And there's a certain history of
1:19
Speaker 3: working very odd hours overnight that has turned my internal
1:25
Speaker 3: clock into a very odd painting with there's lots of
1:33
Speaker 3: stuff going on. There's all kinds of oddities with my schedule.
1:38
Speaker 3: It's part of the human condition when you work these hours,
1:42
Speaker 3: and you likely to do as well. If you listen
1:44
Speaker 3: to the Overnight Show live you're up late. You have
1:47
Speaker 3: similar issues. So when you spend years and years talking
1:52
Speaker 3: to truck drivers from Charleston, South Carolina to Walla Walla,
1:56
Speaker 3: Washington at three in the morning or whatever it is,
2:00
Speaker 3: your body eventually says, Okay, Ben will sleep for four
2:07
Speaker 3: hours or five hours, and that's all you get, and
2:11
Speaker 3: you're just gonna deal with it. Yeah, you can be
2:13
Speaker 3: a little bit grumpy. It'll make you a better talk
2:14
Speaker 3: show host. Grumpy talk show hosts or better talk shows.
2:17
Speaker 3: So here I am. It is a random day. This week.
2:23
Speaker 3: I have logged in my four and a half hours
2:26
Speaker 3: or so of neurotic slumber. My right hand was getting
2:31
Speaker 3: a workout, not a deep sleep, not a deep sleep.
2:36
Speaker 3: I wake up and like, do I want to sleep more?
2:39
Speaker 3: I don't think I can sleep more. My leg's hurting
2:42
Speaker 3: a little bit. I need to get out of bed.
2:43
Speaker 3: I'm a little groggy. I'm squinting at the light because
2:48
Speaker 3: I pulled my sleep mask up and I'm squinting at
2:50
Speaker 3: the light like a mole emerging from a hole in
2:54
Speaker 3: the ground. Granted an expensive hole in the ground with
2:57
Speaker 3: property taxes. And my wife, who has been working the
3:01
Speaker 3: day shift, and so she's been gone as she happened
3:05
Speaker 3: to be there. And she, of course a saint, Well
3:09
Speaker 3: maybe not. I don't think you can be a saint
3:10
Speaker 3: until till you die. So I candidate for canonization on
3:16
Speaker 3: the path to sainthood.
3:18
Speaker 1: So she was off of working.
3:19
Speaker 3: We exchanged pleasantries, and I decided at that point it
3:23
Speaker 3: was time for me to go out and face the world. Now,
3:26
Speaker 3: when I say face the world, I mean that moment
3:29
Speaker 3: where you have to get out of bed. You have
3:31
Speaker 3: to exit the bed stage right, and I'm ready to
3:35
Speaker 3: do it, at least in my head, in this make
3:40
Speaker 3: believe case, I was ready to do it. So I
3:42
Speaker 3: get out of bed. I stand up, because everyone has
3:45
Speaker 3: to do that if they are able to. I take
3:48
Speaker 3: two steps. I then opened the door. And then it's
3:54
Speaker 3: not that I saw the light. I smelled the smell.
4:00
Speaker 3: It was like I had been knocked over with a
4:03
Speaker 3: punch a haymaker from Muhammad Ali in his prime. Have
4:08
Speaker 3: you ever been asking, have you ever been to the
4:11
Speaker 3: Kentucky State Fair on a Sunday evening.
4:17
Speaker 1: Specifically, have you ever stood behind a honey wagon?
4:23
Speaker 3: Which I believe is the professional term, by the way,
4:27
Speaker 3: the honey wagon cleaning, said Porta Potti, in ninety five
4:32
Speaker 3: degree humidity, after people had been consuming all of the
4:37
Speaker 3: various fried foods, barbecue, and whatever else they have at
4:41
Speaker 3: the Kentucky State Fair and hadn't been cleaned since Friday. Now,
4:47
Speaker 3: to be fair, I have not done that either, but
4:49
Speaker 3: after this morning the other day, I feel like I've
4:53
Speaker 3: earned the Boy Scout Merit badge for the honeywagon. I
4:58
Speaker 3: believe that this was not just an odor. This was
5:04
Speaker 3: a physical entity. It was an atmospheric event. All I
5:12
Speaker 3: have is words here, but it was like if you
5:14
Speaker 3: were to remake a Star Trek with my buddy Captain Kirk,
5:19
Speaker 3: and this would be the episode titled Zero G Potty Odyssey,
5:24
Speaker 3: the zero G Potty Odyssey. I was overwhelmed. I was
5:30
Speaker 3: not just offended. I was attacked. At this point. I
5:34
Speaker 3: was like, man, let me get COVID. I won't be
5:36
Speaker 3: able to smell it. That'd be great. My sinus is retreated,
5:40
Speaker 3: thinking that I might have had some kind of illness
5:43
Speaker 3: or I should have had it. I mean, this was insane.
5:46
Speaker 3: I started puking my mouth, which is less than ideal.
5:50
Speaker 3: You don't necessarily want to puke in your mouth within
5:53
Speaker 3: ten minutes after you've woken up.
5:55
Speaker 1: And I was convinced I was dreaming.
5:58
Speaker 3: I was like, okay, you ever done that When you're
5:59
Speaker 3: you get out of bed, something happens that.
6:01
Speaker 1: Okay, this is not real.
6:03
Speaker 3: This is not reality. So I convinced myself that that
6:07
Speaker 3: I was dreaming. And you know, you're still in the
6:11
Speaker 3: Mallard bed in the Malor mansion. You're maybe you're dreaming,
6:14
Speaker 3: but you don't really dream and I don't know what's
6:16
Speaker 3: going on. So I thought this was all just an hallucination,
6:20
Speaker 3: you know, a byproduct of the schedule, too many caffeine pills,
6:26
Speaker 3: possibly a lack of fiber. So then I took a
6:30
Speaker 3: couple steps back and I looked at the bed. I
6:33
Speaker 3: still use a sleep number bed. They're not an advertiser anymore,
6:36
Speaker 3: but I still use the sleep number bed.
6:38
Speaker 1: And I wasn't in it. I was not in it.
6:41
Speaker 3: I was standing in the hallway of what had become
6:45
Speaker 3: overnight the lost episode of Shit's Creek. Here I was
6:53
Speaker 3: sitting in the lost episode of Shits Creek. I'm looking around, like,
6:58
Speaker 3: where is Eugene Levy? Where the f is Eugene Levy?
7:02
Speaker 3: I know he's here somewhere.
7:04
Speaker 1: Where is he? Where is he?
7:06
Speaker 3: You can't have the lost episode of Shit's Creek without
7:08
Speaker 3: Eugene Levy. So slowly I did the walk of shame. Downstairs.
7:14
Speaker 3: I was looking for what I was convinced was a
7:17
Speaker 3: broken sewer pipe, and I thought, well, maybe not that.
7:22
Speaker 3: Maybe it was a like a chemical spill. I don't
7:25
Speaker 3: know that I had any chemicals to spill. I was
7:28
Speaker 3: looking for answers. I needed an explanation. I was willing
7:32
Speaker 3: to contact the Department of Energy. Maybe they knew something.
7:35
Speaker 3: And I figured, well, my day will be spent on
7:39
Speaker 3: the phone waiting for the people from Rodo Ruter to
7:43
Speaker 3: come fix what was going on.
7:45
Speaker 1: But it wasn't a pipe. It was not a pipe.
7:48
Speaker 1: It was it wasn't a human. It was Moxie, who.
7:53
Speaker 3: Now, if you're new to these parts on the podcast,
7:55
Speaker 3: Moxie is my pal. Moxie's the one that helped me
8:00
Speaker 3: get the show ready and also is an English bulldog.
8:05
Speaker 3: Now she is under normal circumstances, a majestic creature.
8:10
Speaker 1: You can just stare at Moxie be like, wow, that's crazy.
8:14
Speaker 3: She has the face of a very grumpy looking, sad
8:19
Speaker 3: Victorian pugilist who's lost every fight, and the temperament of
8:25
Speaker 3: a sleeping bear, just mellow and just wonderful. And however,
8:33
Speaker 3: on this morning, Moxy was suffering from what can only
8:35
Speaker 3: be described as the poop loop, not to be get
8:38
Speaker 3: confused with the vomit comet, the poop loop. And there
8:42
Speaker 3: were two giant mountains. When I opened my eyes and
8:45
Speaker 3: I walked downstairs, there were two giant mountains.
8:48
Speaker 1: We'll call them evidence.
8:52
Speaker 3: And these things were the size and I don't want
8:53
Speaker 3: to be too dramatic for the podcast, but these things
8:55
Speaker 3: were the size of the Petrona's twin towers and Kuala Lumpur.
9:01
Speaker 1: You know what I'm talking about.
9:02
Speaker 3: You've see those things, those giant towers in Kuala Lumpar. Anyway,
9:07
Speaker 3: they were not made of steel, they were not man made.
9:10
Speaker 3: This was a scene right out of a horror movie.
9:14
Speaker 3: Poopa Geddon, Poopa Geddon. And if that whack a doodle.
9:18
Speaker 3: Stephen King up there in Maine wrote about canine Gastriel
9:24
Speaker 3: intestinal problems. This would be the cover. This would be
9:31
Speaker 3: the cover of his next horror horror book. It was foul,
9:35
Speaker 3: It was repulsive. It was over the top, pungent. It
9:37
Speaker 3: was a stench that I will not forget.
9:43
Speaker 1: I get. It was overwhelming.
9:45
Speaker 3: The entire house, the entire Malor mansion, a steaming dump
9:50
Speaker 3: for the ages.
9:51
Speaker 1: It was the kind of smell.
9:54
Speaker 3: That doesn't just sit in the air. It is the air, right,
9:59
Speaker 3: it unpacked, it's bags. It's like, hey, can I get
10:02
Speaker 3: the Wi Fi password? I'm gonna be here a while.
10:06
Speaker 3: And so I'm looking at this, and then I look
10:08
Speaker 3: off to the right and there she was, the dog
10:11
Speaker 3: of interest. Moxie sat right near the crime scene. She
10:16
Speaker 3: gave me those sweet puppy dog guys as only an
10:18
Speaker 3: English bulldog can do. You know, those those puppy dog
10:20
Speaker 3: guys are just amazing. And I asked her, I said, Moxie, how.
10:25
Speaker 1: Could you do this? Right? What happened? Hey? What led
10:30
Speaker 1: to this?
10:31
Speaker 3: And unfortunately Moxie at that point chose to remain silent.
10:35
Speaker 1: She did not bark.
10:36
Speaker 3: She invoked her Miranda rights, She refused to incriminate herself.
10:41
Speaker 1: She just sat there looking at me with the look
10:44
Speaker 1: of who me?
10:47
Speaker 3: She had that experience, Oh what do you me? Come on,
10:51
Speaker 3: I'm just a sweet innocent bulldog. All I do is
10:53
Speaker 3: fart and sleep. And there she was standing right next
10:57
Speaker 3: to the biological hazard. This was not just your normal
11:04
Speaker 3: dog pool. This was a hazmat situation. I had to
11:06
Speaker 3: activate the MiB. The Mather Investigation operation was underway, the
11:11
Speaker 3: Mouth Investigative Bureau, and I put on my metaphorical trench coat.
11:17
Speaker 3: I had the kid grab the cleaning tools, preparing for
11:20
Speaker 3: a tactical assault on the living room floor and also
11:25
Speaker 3: in the kitchen. Now, as a reasonable investigator who watched
11:30
Speaker 3: many episodes of the first forty eight, I knew that
11:34
Speaker 3: Moxie did not act alone. This was not some kind
11:39
Speaker 3: of lone wolf operation. A dog does not just produce
11:44
Speaker 3: the poop loop out of thin air. There had to
11:46
Speaker 3: be an accomplished. There had to be some kind of
11:49
Speaker 3: criminal mastermind. And I began as a member of the MiB,
11:53
Speaker 3: the Mather Investigator Bureau. I began interviewing witnesses and it
11:59
Speaker 3: didn't take long for me to find out who was responsible.
12:04
Speaker 3: As an accomplice, my wife, so I said, leaning against
12:11
Speaker 3: the counter, trying not to gag as the smell was
12:14
Speaker 3: still there. I told her, I said, listen, can you
12:17
Speaker 3: explain to me again about that new diet that you
12:20
Speaker 3: gave Moxie. Well, it turns out that in a fit
12:25
Speaker 3: of trying to be health conscious, my dear old wife
12:29
Speaker 3: decided that Moxie needed a new healthier diet with homemade foods.
12:34
Speaker 3: You see, she had read on the interweb, the world
12:39
Speaker 3: Wide Web, that this is important, and as we know,
12:42
Speaker 3: the Internet is never wrong. It is never wrong. The Internet,
12:45
Speaker 3: the Internet told her that bulldogs love pumpkin. Pumpkin's good
12:49
Speaker 3: for them. I eat pumpkin. It's natural, It's what wolves
12:53
Speaker 3: ate in the whild some kind of bull crap like that,
12:56
Speaker 3: presumably right before they invented the pumpkin spice latte out
12:59
Speaker 3: there for Starbucks. So she cooked up some ground beef,
13:04
Speaker 3: not a little bit of ground beef, like five pounds
13:06
Speaker 3: of ground beef. And then she found a can of pumpkin.
13:12
Speaker 3: Not just a spoonful of pumpkin, no, she gave the dog,
13:18
Speaker 3: but seemingly was an entire pumpkin. She fed the dog,
13:22
Speaker 3: Moxie a Thanksgiving dinner for a family of twelve and
13:27
Speaker 3: then somewhat surprised when nature took its course for a
13:32
Speaker 3: Category five hurricane.
13:34
Speaker 1: Now, listen, this is a teachable moment. You learn from
13:37
Speaker 1: my in competence.
13:38
Speaker 3: You learn from the Malar mansions descent into a poopfest. So,
13:43
Speaker 3: no matter how beautiful, how majestic, or how much your
13:50
Speaker 3: bulldog looks like a wrinkled little angel dropped in from heaven,
13:55
Speaker 3: do not, and I repeat this, do not feed it
13:58
Speaker 3: an entire family size can a pumpkin.
14:01
Speaker 1: Do not, I.
14:02
Speaker 3: Repeat this, Do not give your dog pounds of ground
14:07
Speaker 3: beef unless you want your house to smell like an
14:11
Speaker 3: outhouse for the next forty eight hours. You keep the
14:15
Speaker 3: squash away from the canine. Now, it took every window,
14:19
Speaker 3: and not exaggerating every window in the house being opened.
14:23
Speaker 3: It took fans. It took soapy bubbles scrub a dub dub.
14:28
Speaker 3: It took a level of industrial strength for breeze that
14:33
Speaker 3: probably damaged the ozone layer. I apologize in advanced Now. Slowly,
14:39
Speaker 3: it took time the Malor mansion began to smell less
14:43
Speaker 3: like a Kentucky State fair porta potty and more like
14:47
Speaker 3: home again.
14:48
Speaker 1: So I'm going to be going on eBay at some.
14:51
Speaker 3: Point later today, and I will try to find a
14:54
Speaker 3: slightly used professional grade hazmat suit for the next time
15:01
Speaker 3: that doggy dysentery kicks in and Moxie needs to enjoy
15:07
Speaker 3: the poopy fest. So meanwhile, Moxie's not concerned. She's currently
15:13
Speaker 3: napping off to my left. It appears she has no regrets.
15:18
Speaker 3: She will not be facing any kind of criminal punishment
15:20
Speaker 3: because she's in California, so crime is allowed.
15:23
Speaker 1: And she is.
15:24
Speaker 3: Now the goat of the poopy loopy. Yeah, the poop loop,
15:28
Speaker 3: the poopy loopy, all right. Meanwhile, turning the pitch, it
15:31
Speaker 3: is the Saturday Podcast. The Saturday Podcast, which means a
15:37
Speaker 3: Life of malor update, Life.
15:40
Speaker 1: Of malleor updates.
15:41
Speaker 3: So you know about my defining trauma of the week,
15:46
Speaker 3: Moxie and the Towers of Pooh. The Towers of Pooh,
15:52
Speaker 3: So I had some other drama. We talked a little
15:54
Speaker 3: bit about this last weekend on this podcast in previous episodes.
16:00
Speaker 3: It was the day my mic turned off. Yeah, well
16:06
Speaker 3: it kind of did. Let me explain, so not metaphorically,
16:10
Speaker 3: not emotionally mechanically. So last weekend the fifth hour podcast
16:15
Speaker 3: on Saturday, So a week ago from today. Sounded like
16:19
Speaker 3: it was recorded inside a thermis, a Stanley thermis that
16:28
Speaker 3: had been rolled down a gravel driveway. That's what it sounds.
16:33
Speaker 3: I mean, that's what I was told. Few the proud,
16:38
Speaker 3: the Malard militia who listened to this, boots on the ground,
16:42
Speaker 3: big names. There were celebrities, a lot of no names
16:45
Speaker 3: who reached out to me. I say that with all
16:48
Speaker 3: due respect. People reached out to me and they're like,
16:52
Speaker 3: they acted like I had no idea what was going on.
16:56
Speaker 3: They said, you know your podcast it was described as
17:01
Speaker 3: rinky dink? Was the was the word is rinky dink.
17:07
Speaker 3: One gentleman who did not sign his name had a
17:11
Speaker 3: Gmail account, suggested that I was broadcasting from a couple
17:15
Speaker 3: of ZIP codes away and then I, instead of a microphone,
17:19
Speaker 3: I had a kazoo. Now I'm happy to report I
17:22
Speaker 3: do not have a kazoo, so that is not reality.
17:27
Speaker 3: Another correspondence asked if we had pivoted now to using
17:31
Speaker 3: Civil War era audio technology.
17:34
Speaker 1: Yes.
17:35
Speaker 3: Yes, the people at iHeart had decided that the podcast
17:39
Speaker 3: needed to go old school and go back in time.
17:43
Speaker 3: Reminds me of a story years ago when I was
17:47
Speaker 3: doing stuff with the Dodgers. We were in Wrigley Field
17:49
Speaker 3: playing the Cubs. It was a doubleheader because the game
17:51
Speaker 3: had been canceled previously that year because some Dodger players
17:56
Speaker 3: went into the crowd to get a hat back a
17:59
Speaker 3: Cub fan had stolen a hat, and there was this
18:01
Speaker 3: big melee and the.
18:03
Speaker 1: Game they had to replay a game.
18:04
Speaker 3: It was a big mess anyway, that particular game, Fox
18:09
Speaker 3: decided let's do a throwback broadcast of Major League Baseball.
18:14
Speaker 1: Okay, sounds good. Why not?
18:17
Speaker 3: So they did the throwback thing and they ended up
18:21
Speaker 3: showing part of the game in black and white because
18:23
Speaker 3: they want to show how the original baseball broadcasts were
18:25
Speaker 3: done in black and white. And so yes, we on
18:28
Speaker 3: the podcast said we're not going to go black and white,
18:30
Speaker 3: We'll go civil war audio, which I think is just
18:34
Speaker 3: someone screaming.
18:35
Speaker 1: I think just yelling. That's it. Now.
18:37
Speaker 3: I briefly considered framing that message. You know, it was
18:43
Speaker 3: a social experiment. It was just a social experiment. This
18:47
Speaker 3: was a loyalty test. As I often say, the point
18:50
Speaker 3: of demarcation for those that consume this podcast, and that
18:54
Speaker 3: would be you, you are a true p one. You have
18:59
Speaker 3: gone out of your way to find a podcast that
19:02
Speaker 3: is not available, it's not promoted. It's available, was obviously
19:05
Speaker 3: not promoted mainstream like a lot of the big name podcasters.
19:09
Speaker 3: You have to find it, you have to want to
19:11
Speaker 3: listen to it. That is a that is a commitment.
19:13
Speaker 3: You are true p one. Right, Let's see who the
19:16
Speaker 3: real p ones are. Well, you're a real p one. However,
19:22
Speaker 3: this was not some avant garde performance are. This was
19:26
Speaker 3: the thing of a jig yet again, popping up the
19:29
Speaker 3: thing of a jig. Now the thing of a jig,
19:31
Speaker 3: an otherwise innocent piece of audio equipment, a cable, apparently
19:36
Speaker 3: decided it needed attention.
19:38
Speaker 1: You see, there was a loose.
19:39
Speaker 3: Wire that somehow disengaged from the remote studio microphone that then,
19:47
Speaker 3: for some reason, and I don't know how this happened,
19:49
Speaker 3: activated a backup microphone that I didn't even know I had, that,
19:55
Speaker 3: judging by the acoustics of the product, was stationed somewhere
20:00
Speaker 3: just south of Micronesia was where that backup microphone was,
20:05
Speaker 3: and probably underwater, probably underwater. And as the overnight guy,
20:13
Speaker 3: my entire career, my paycheck is built on a very
20:19
Speaker 3: radical premise that when I speak into these microphones, you
20:27
Speaker 3: can hear me. It's like a Verizon commercial. Can you
20:30
Speaker 3: hear me now? Can you hear me now? So I
20:34
Speaker 3: don't have lighting cues, I don't have people writing notes
20:39
Speaker 3: for me and things like that, or you know often
20:42
Speaker 3: during the overnight show, I have no one helping me
20:44
Speaker 3: at all.
20:45
Speaker 1: You know, that's it. There's no wardrobe changes that you know.
20:47
Speaker 3: So I have a voice and a slightly aggressive opinion
20:53
Speaker 3: about Sam Darnold, which has upset the Seahawk Marching in
20:57
Speaker 3: Chowder society led by Nostradina and JJ and Rettin.
21:01
Speaker 1: And Crying Craig.
21:03
Speaker 3: So when the audio quality collapses, I collapse with it.
21:09
Speaker 3: Right the microphone. I think it sensed fatigue.
21:15
Speaker 1: I believe that.
21:16
Speaker 3: Again, I'm recording these things at hours that are reserved
21:20
Speaker 3: for conspiracy theorists and crackhead Bob. So it saw a
21:26
Speaker 3: weakness sleep deprived dude, and said, this is my moment,
21:31
Speaker 3: this is my moment, and equipment can smell weakness. There's
21:35
Speaker 3: science behind that, not good science, but there's science about that.
21:41
Speaker 3: And naturally, I woke up to an inbox that resembled
21:46
Speaker 3: an angry town hall meeting, you know that city council
21:50
Speaker 3: meeting where people are just wild. What kind of low
21:55
Speaker 3: rent operation is? What do you hire a new staff
21:58
Speaker 3: get a better mic microphone?
22:01
Speaker 2: Ben sucks.
22:03
Speaker 3: Now, I do enjoy the assumption that microphones are out there,
22:06
Speaker 3: and it was clearly the microphone's fault fault, not the cable.
22:09
Speaker 3: But you just go on the open market and I
22:11
Speaker 3: can make a competitive free agent offer. I have enough
22:15
Speaker 3: money under the salary cap, and I thought, as you know,
22:19
Speaker 3: clearly I've been low balling those five star condenser microphones
22:22
Speaker 3: and that's the problem. So anyway, we fixed it, meet
22:29
Speaker 3: ball surgery. Now, when I say we fixed it, I
22:31
Speaker 3: mean Danny G Radio. I said, Danny, figure this out,
22:36
Speaker 3: who heroically cleaned up as best he could, which means
22:40
Speaker 3: as good as all the rest the audio quality, likely
22:44
Speaker 3: whispering very nasty affirmations, oh go at the equipment there
22:52
Speaker 3: and cursing my name. And we believed that the crisis
22:58
Speaker 3: was behind us. And then, because the universe enjoys symmetry,
23:02
Speaker 3: the Original Recipe radio show had its own hiccup. Now,
23:08
Speaker 3: if you were listening to the podcast on the Original Recipe,
23:11
Speaker 3: not this podcast, the Original Recipe delivered a very dramatic
23:16
Speaker 3: introduction to a caller, as I'm known to do, very
23:18
Speaker 3: bold resident Shakespearean and then.
23:23
Speaker 1: Nothing bupkus.
23:26
Speaker 3: And I learned this when I woke up. Listeners heard
23:29
Speaker 3: me tee up a call and then nothing. Somewhere in
23:34
Speaker 3: the mothership. This was not the remote studio. This was
23:37
Speaker 3: not the remote studio. I was in the main studio.
23:40
Speaker 3: Someone hit the do hickey, not the thing of a jig,
23:43
Speaker 3: the do hickey, and I didn't even.
23:45
Speaker 1: Know this was possible. I had no idea. However, I
23:49
Speaker 1: now know it is. Well. I don't know exactly what
23:51
Speaker 1: they did.
23:53
Speaker 3: They muted the caller's voices into the sound of silence.
23:58
Speaker 3: That means I would say, hey, let's go to the
24:00
Speaker 3: Redneck Rivira. Jed who Fled is on the Ben Mathers Show,
24:04
Speaker 3: And then you had to figure out was Jed who
24:08
Speaker 3: fled discussing crack, fentanyl or his love of Glenn Beck.
24:13
Speaker 3: And then I go, Mike the Leprecaun, Hello, Mike the Leprecaun,
24:16
Speaker 3: You're on the show. And then you say I can't
24:18
Speaker 3: hear him. Maybe he's marinating in sunscreen or doing a
24:22
Speaker 3: dad joke that got deleted. And then I go, let's
24:25
Speaker 3: go to Minneapolis, Miniso Tuck. Can we say a little
24:28
Speaker 3: hollering James, Sure there's James. Is he snoring or offering
24:33
Speaker 3: commentary about Eric sleepy Floyd?
24:36
Speaker 1: I don't know. You couldn't hear it.
24:37
Speaker 3: It became the match game, the existential addition, fill in
24:42
Speaker 3: the blank, imagine whatever you want the callers to say,
24:45
Speaker 3: your own chaos. Now, keep in mind, did not discover
24:49
Speaker 3: this until I woke up again to a digital mob
24:55
Speaker 3: of torches and pitchforks and wanted to tar and feather
24:59
Speaker 3: me in and me out of time. Now there is
25:02
Speaker 3: something uniquely humbling about opening your eyes and immediately learning
25:06
Speaker 3: you have failed sound. You've failed at sound. Now, I
25:12
Speaker 3: would rather have this than what happened with Moxie. Just
25:15
Speaker 3: for the record, I would rather wake up to this
25:18
Speaker 3: than wake up to the smell I woke up to
25:20
Speaker 3: as well. Now people ask why we don't do a
25:24
Speaker 3: full video podcast. I've had people reach out to me
25:26
Speaker 3: and say I'd like to watch the podcast. Why don't
25:28
Speaker 3: we do a video thing like JT the Wingman, guys
25:31
Speaker 3: like that. So there are cameras in the main studio.
25:34
Speaker 3: Everything is recorded for YouTube. It's twenty twenty six. The
25:37
Speaker 3: Ben Mather Show YouTube channel, and apparently faces are currency.
25:42
Speaker 3: Here's the secret, though, and most people don't know this.
25:48
Speaker 3: The percentage of those that watch podcasts.
25:53
Speaker 1: Is not zero, but it's very low.
25:56
Speaker 3: That most people listen in the car or on the
26:01
Speaker 3: treadmill while assembling furniture, questioning their existence doing the.
26:06
Speaker 1: Honeydew List as well.
26:09
Speaker 3: Now, there are some people in the industry that claim
26:12
Speaker 3: that it's less than ten percent actually consume video podcast
26:17
Speaker 3: less than ten percent, which means like ninety percent still
26:20
Speaker 3: embrace theater of the mind, theater of the mind radio imagination.
26:29
Speaker 3: If you're picturing Jed who fled, you can do it
26:35
Speaker 3: however you choose.
26:37
Speaker 1: You can make Jed look like.
26:39
Speaker 3: A cookie monster, or you could make him look like
26:45
Speaker 3: the burger Kin guy, or whoever you want. It's your choice.
26:49
Speaker 3: It's your imagination. That's great, you can do what you
26:54
Speaker 3: want with that. Now, video would require proper posture, lighting,
27:02
Speaker 3: self awareness, all of those things, and to me, doing
27:08
Speaker 3: the Overnight Show, self awareness is option.
27:10
Speaker 1: I just let it rip. I just let it rip now. Still,
27:13
Speaker 1: I am not.
27:16
Speaker 3: Dogmatic when it comes to this issue, and I am
27:19
Speaker 3: more than willing to adapt. I believe that Darwinism is
27:23
Speaker 3: true you must adapt or you will die.
27:25
Speaker 1: So I'm willing to adapt.
27:27
Speaker 3: If someone, let's say, I don't know from Netflix, showed
27:32
Speaker 3: up at my door and had several bags of money,
27:38
Speaker 3: money man and manny and said, hey, hey, Malard, let's
27:43
Speaker 3: recreate that famous scene from the movie Dance Spider Dance,
27:48
Speaker 3: I would say, Okay, you don't have to ask twice.
27:51
Speaker 3: I will tap dance with enthusiasm. I believe principles are important.
27:58
Speaker 3: I've talked about the Code of the West. I also
28:00
Speaker 3: believe that paying your mortgage is more important, and that's
28:04
Speaker 3: more important now until then. Until then, I will solely
28:09
Speaker 3: remain in the audio business. Otherwise when outside of when
28:13
Speaker 3: I'm forced to have the videos put up on YouTube
28:17
Speaker 3: at the mothership. But a business, the audio business, that
28:22
Speaker 3: is so fragile, so fragile that a single loose wire,
28:28
Speaker 3: the thing of a jig can unravel it like a
28:32
Speaker 3: sweater thread.
28:34
Speaker 1: Pretty wild, you know.
28:35
Speaker 3: And we have artificial intelligence and self driving cars and
28:40
Speaker 3: all this stuff, And on some level it is oddly
28:44
Speaker 3: comforting that the greatest threat to my livelihood, my ability.
28:49
Speaker 1: To do my job is a rebellious.
28:53
Speaker 3: Cable cable, not a microphone, not a microphone, a cable right,
28:59
Speaker 3: not war or not politics, not any of that, not
29:04
Speaker 3: the stock.
29:04
Speaker 1: Market going up or down. A mere microphone.
29:10
Speaker 3: Who was having a bad day, or maybe it was
29:15
Speaker 3: me not plugging the microphone in properly, but there you go.
29:20
Speaker 1: So that's it all right.
29:22
Speaker 3: Listen, thank you, We got the mail bag tomorrow.
29:25
Speaker 1: Your questions are answers.
29:27
Speaker 3: You can listen whenever you want, email that Reel fifth
29:30
Speaker 3: hour at gmail dot com, Real fifth hour at gmail
29:33
Speaker 3: dot com, and we will have the mail bag for
29:37
Speaker 3: you and all kinds of fun. Have a great rest
29:41
Speaker 3: of your Saturday, or if you've already done everything you're
29:44
Speaker 3: doing because you're listening to this whenever, I hope you had.
29:47
Speaker 1: A great Saturday. And if you listen on Sunday, have
29:49
Speaker 1: a great Sunday or Tuesday or whenever. I don't care.
29:53
Speaker 1: We'll have the mail bag for
29:54
Speaker 3: You on Sunday's edition and later skater aw stop pasta
30:02
Speaker 3: vipolation