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CLASSIC: Benjamin Franklin's Advice On "Finding A Mistress" · Ridiculous History

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Speaker 1: Fellow ridiculous historians, we are returning to you with the
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Speaker 1: tale of one of our absolute favorite eccentric founding fathers.
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Speaker 1: I was gonna say, letches, oh, very much a lechen
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Speaker 1: of libertine. Yeah, who are we talking about?
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Speaker 2: Oh, we're talking about old founding father Benny Franks, Benjamin
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Speaker 2: Franklin to his friends. Wait, no, Benny Franks to his friends,
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Speaker 2: Benjamin Franklin to you know, the public.
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Speaker 1: Or Daddy Benji to as many paramores.
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Speaker 3: At the Benjamins. As it turns out, right.
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Speaker 1: Well, as we found back in twenty nineteen, Benjamin Franklin
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Speaker 1: very much a renaissance man, had a lot of a
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Speaker 1: lot of scientific breakthroughs, a lot of areas of philosophical interests,
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Speaker 1: but he was definitely a man given to the pleasures
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Speaker 1: of the flesh.
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Speaker 3: Do you think he would have been in the Epstein files.
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Speaker 1: I think he absolutely would. It's entirely possible in something
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Speaker 1: like that. He he was known, as you said, as
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Speaker 1: a leech, and he was lionized for this because people said,
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Speaker 1: you know, old Ben is a real pickup artist for
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Speaker 1: his day, which is interesting I get.
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Speaker 2: I wonder if he leaned into it, which you did,
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Speaker 2: because he's not exactly what you might consider like a
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Speaker 2: classically good looking man. It would just seem that he
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Speaker 2: had the charm and had achieved the levels of power
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Speaker 2: and upward mobility in society to kind of be a
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Speaker 2: bit of a lady's man, despite his receding hairline and
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Speaker 2: slightly muppet like features.
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Speaker 1: And his paunch is eccentric high plaunch, his legendary bed
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Speaker 1: yeah yeah, with his stockings to the guy at Gambs
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Speaker 1: for days. In our previous exploration, you know, we asked
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Speaker 1: whether his he was also a prolific writer. Right, so
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Speaker 1: we asked whether his seventeen forty five letter advice to
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Speaker 1: a young man on the choice of a mistress was
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Speaker 1: meant sincerely or whether it was satirical.
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Speaker 2: Well, and also so the use of the term mistress
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Speaker 2: here is this in the way we think of it today,
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Speaker 2: as in like an extra marital alliance.
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Speaker 1: Okay, thought so, or sexual relationships without the complications of matrimony.
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Speaker 3: There you go, at the very least. Well, he had
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Speaker 3: a lot to say about a lot of things.
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Speaker 2: Uh, And in this famous and or infamous seventeen forty
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Speaker 2: five letter, he gave advice to a young man on
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Speaker 2: the choice of a mistress.
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Speaker 3: As he said, let's just.
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Speaker 4: Roll it ridiculous. History is a production of iHeartRadio.
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Speaker 1: My dear friend, I know of no medicine fear to
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Speaker 1: diminish the violent, natural inclinations you mentioned, and if I did,
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Speaker 1: I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage
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Speaker 1: is the proper remedy. It is the most natural state
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Speaker 1: of man, and therefore the state in which you are
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Speaker 1: most likely to find solid happiness. Those are the words
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Speaker 1: of Benjamin Franklin. Welcome to the show. My name is Ben.
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Speaker 3: Oh, Benny frank No relation none. Well, you know, you're
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Speaker 3: sort of spiritual successors. That's very weird.
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Speaker 1: I at least have better hair, if not a better
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Speaker 1: position in American politics.
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Speaker 3: That's true.
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Speaker 2: But you're, also, like Ben Franklin, a bit of a
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Speaker 2: forward thinking innovator.
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Speaker 1: Well, thank you so much, NOL. I sincerely appreciate that
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Speaker 1: they do in some places call me the less cool
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Speaker 1: super producer Casey Pegram, which I take is you know,
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Speaker 1: I treat it as the significant compliment.
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Speaker 2: That it is once because Casey Pegram is the bar, right,
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Speaker 2: and it's a very high.
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Speaker 1: One, and very few people ever meet that bar. Yeah,
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Speaker 1: but you're like one click below the bar. Oh no,
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Speaker 1: just one click. Man's reach must exceed his grasp. Else
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Speaker 1: what's a heaven for?
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Speaker 3: Did Ben Franklin say that?
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Speaker 1: No, that was Robert Browning, the poet, Robert Browning. Ah, yes, yes,
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Speaker 1: Robert Browning. Well, here's the thing about Ben Franklin. We
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Speaker 1: know him as one of the founding fathers of these
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Speaker 1: fine United States. He was a part of the Second
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Speaker 1: Continental Congress and was sort of like this.
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Speaker 3: He was a he was a really good diplomat.
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Speaker 2: And that he kind of smoothed over some of the
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Speaker 2: tensions between the other founding fathers. He kind of acted
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Speaker 2: as like a little bit of a lubricant, if you will,
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Speaker 2: a human lubricant. He was also an inventor, and he
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Speaker 2: published Poor Richard's Almanac, where he espoused the virtues of
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Speaker 2: man and all of these little, you know, quirky sayings.
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Speaker 2: Early to bed, early to rise and all that. And
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Speaker 2: he apparently did get up pretty early every morning. In
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Speaker 2: his autobiography you can read his daily routine that started
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Speaker 2: with rising at four am daily. You always talk about
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Speaker 2: his air baths, Ben.
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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, he's a big believer in air baths. You
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Speaker 1: read my mind, Noel and air bath is what it
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Speaker 1: sounds like. He sat around naked for his personal constitution. Additionally,
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Speaker 1: he was a freemason, a polymath, and many other things.
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Speaker 1: He was a man of many interests, and throughout his
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Speaker 1: life from January seventeenth, seventeen oh six to his death
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Speaker 1: on April seventeenth, seventeen ninety, he changed the world, and
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Speaker 1: a lot of his enterprises were things that would surprise
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Speaker 1: the average you know, the average high school student. You
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Speaker 1: don't hear about a ton of the stuff he's done.
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Speaker 1: You hear about some of his experiments into the nature
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Speaker 1: of electricity and lightning.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, and apparently the whole.
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Speaker 2: Deal with the key tied to the kite is probably
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Speaker 2: a myth entirely right. Yeah, but what's credited as inventing
6:01
Speaker 2: the lightning rod. But today we're talking a little bit
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Speaker 2: more about his little lightning rod there we go.
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Speaker 1: And the lightning rods of his friends. See. One of
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Speaker 1: the things, one of the things that you may not
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Speaker 1: learn in a middle school or high school history class
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Speaker 1: about Benjamin Franklin is that he was also a real lithario,
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Speaker 1: a crazed womanizer, sex fiend.
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Speaker 2: He could even refer to him as a bit of
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Speaker 2: a rake. Yes, yes, an.
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Speaker 1: Uber rake because he had There's so many different directions
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Speaker 1: we can go with this, but we know that the
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Speaker 1: Founding Fathers at this point in time have moved into
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Speaker 1: the realm of myth in many ways. Noel, I love
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Speaker 1: that you point out at the beginning of the show
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Speaker 1: that the key story is, you know, is probably a myth.
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Speaker 3: It's sort of like boy George Washington, you know, not
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Speaker 3: telling a lie and chopping down the cherry tree and
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Speaker 3: all that, or wouldn't teeth they were actually ivory and poem.
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Speaker 3: But in the case of Benjamin Franklin's sex life, we
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Speaker 3: have documentation that proves not only is there some sand
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Speaker 3: to the scandalous stories about this man, but he also
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Speaker 3: advised people on their own sex lives. You see, that
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Speaker 3: excerpt that we began the show with is from a
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Speaker 3: real life letter that Franklin wrote in seventeen forty five.
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Speaker 3: The name of the letter is Advice to a friend
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Speaker 3: on choosing a mistress, and this is again a real letter.
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Speaker 3: It's strange because we also found that forty years before
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Speaker 3: the Revolution even got under way in seventeen twenty nine,
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Speaker 3: Benjamin Franklin was also a publisher was reputedly publishing a
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Speaker 3: tabloid newspaper that had an advice column about things that
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Speaker 3: would be considered unmentionable in a lot of higher realms
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Speaker 3: of society. Yeah, that's right.
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Speaker 2: And by the time his autobiography came out, it was
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Speaker 2: pretty heavily censored because late in life he was absolutely
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Speaker 2: honest about some of this stuff. But because of that,
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Speaker 2: already approaching mythical idea of the founding Fathers, they wanted
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Speaker 2: to protect that legacy and make sure that you only
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Speaker 2: remembered Ben Franklin's for poor Richard z Almanac, and for
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Speaker 2: early to bed, early to rise, and for being this
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Speaker 2: model of virtue, studiousness and steadfast goodness. But Franklin himself
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Speaker 2: acknowledged that he was, in fact a bit of a letch.
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Speaker 2: He actually said this of himself in an often censored
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Speaker 2: passage from that autobiography. He said, quote, the hard to
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Speaker 2: be governed passion of my youth had hurried me frequently
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Speaker 2: into intrigues with low women. Here's a kicker that fell
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Speaker 2: in my way.
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Speaker 1: Yikes that he also added, which were attended with some
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Speaker 1: expense and grad inconvenience, besides a continual risk to my
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Speaker 1: health by distemper. As far as we know, and we
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Speaker 1: may not know all of it, this guy, throughout his
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Speaker 1: life ended up having what fifteen illegitimate children.
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Speaker 3: That's what they say.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, and if he was around today, this guy would
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Speaker 2: be a me too nightmare.
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Speaker 3: Yes, I mean big time.
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Speaker 2: He was well known not just for being aleged, but
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Speaker 2: for being a leeched for underage potentially women. He even
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Speaker 2: there's a rumor that he carried on a relationship with
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Speaker 2: a daughter and her mother, Margaret Stevenson and her eighteen
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Speaker 2: year old daughter Polly. That was a little bit probably
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Speaker 2: on the older side of some of his dalliances with
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Speaker 2: young women.
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Speaker 1: And there's a little bit of a paradox here. Well,
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Speaker 1: let's back up and say you're right. In his final years,
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Speaker 1: as he was aging and after a Polly's husband had
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Speaker 1: passed away, he moved her to Philadelphia to live by
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Speaker 1: his side until he passed away in seventeen ninety. But
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Speaker 1: this guy al so tried to sleep with his friend's mistresses,
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Speaker 1: and as we will find, despite the rumors about his
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Speaker 1: interest in younger women, he went on record several times
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Speaker 1: saying that he actually preferred older women in his correspondence
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Speaker 1: like in this letter that he mentioned.
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Speaker 3: And we'll get to that.
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Speaker 2: The reason is a little bit more functional, like long term.
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Speaker 2: He's saying older women might be better for the long haul.
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Speaker 2: But there's even a little I guess a verse a
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Speaker 2: mini poem kind of has thrown about the time of
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Speaker 2: referring to his time in London and Paris and his
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Speaker 2: reputation that he developed, and said, Franklin, though plagued with
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Speaker 2: fumbling age, needs nothing to excite him, but is too
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Speaker 2: ready to engage when younger arms invite him.
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Speaker 1: And that came about, believe it or not, folks, when
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Speaker 1: he was in his seventies.
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Speaker 3: Bonkers.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, so this was some time after he had written
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Speaker 1: this letter. He was well known for having what people
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Speaker 1: would describe as an insatiable libido or sex drive. And
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Speaker 1: let's let's go back to this letter when he was
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Speaker 1: writing to a fellow named Cadwalader Colden, which is a
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Speaker 1: fantastic name.
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Speaker 3: Incredible mister Cadwalder to Colden.
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Speaker 1: And he recommends, for as you said, some uh, some
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Speaker 1: ostensibly practical reasons, that Cadwalader consider choosing a not not
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Speaker 1: a mistress, but choosing a wife who is older he says,
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Speaker 1: if you will not take this counsel and persist in
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Speaker 1: thinking a commerce with the sex inevitable, then I repeat
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Speaker 1: my former advice that in all your amours you should
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Speaker 1: prefer old women to young ones. You call this a paradox,
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Speaker 1: and demand my reasons. And then he outlines seven fairly
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Speaker 1: articulate reasons, but they're all stuff like, I don't know,
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Speaker 1: it sounds pretty brutal. Number one, we can just give
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Speaker 1: the gist because these are kind of long. Number one,
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Speaker 1: he says, their conversation is better, like it's yeah, they're
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Speaker 1: more funant to talk to because of their life experience.
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Speaker 2: And they are more likely because and here's the problem
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Speaker 2: with Ben Franklin, and this this comes up time and again,
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Speaker 2: and you can probably already tell he's a bit misogynist
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Speaker 2: and a little problematic. I think, yeah, because some of
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Speaker 2: these things are very condescending to women. Where he says,
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Speaker 2: once they cease to be handsome, they as almost as
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Speaker 2: though they will appreciate so much that you're giving them
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Speaker 2: the time of day that they will do anything for you.
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Speaker 1: Which sounds like a lot like Dennis Reynolds in Always
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Speaker 1: Sunny and Exactly.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's pretty bad. So yeah, they'll take care
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Speaker 2: of you when you're sick. They'll you know, make your
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Speaker 2: little cakes and soup. I'm editorializing you a little bit,
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Speaker 2: but it sure seems like he's trying to give this
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Speaker 2: guy advice of how to get like a nice like made.
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Speaker 2: We'll also have sex with him, because he also points
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Speaker 2: out age don't mean nothing in the dark.
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Speaker 1: Danny DeVito's character Frank Reynolds, has a quote about that
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Speaker 1: that we're not going to put on the air, but
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Speaker 1: if you know, you know. The third thing he says
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Speaker 1: is that there's no hazard of having children. Then he
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Speaker 1: says they're more discreet again because of experience, So they're
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Speaker 1: not going to blow up your spot if you're trying
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Speaker 1: to TLC style creep.
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Speaker 2: One thing we haven't mentioned, another pretty gross little fact
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Speaker 2: about Franklin is that he was in fact married. He
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Speaker 2: had a common law wife by the name of Deborah Reed, who,
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Speaker 2: like Tony Soprano's style, he just cheated on her constantly
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Speaker 2: throughout the span of their forty four years of marriage.
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Speaker 2: And also, as we know, he spent a lot of
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Speaker 2: time abroad as a European ambassador, specifically in London, and France,
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Speaker 2: So eighteen of those forty four years they lived apart,
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Speaker 2: and apparently she during one of those overseas trips, she
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Speaker 2: had a stroke.
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Speaker 3: And Franklin didn't even come back.
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Speaker 2: To Philadelphia to see her, and she died alone in
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Speaker 2: seventeen seventy four.
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Speaker 1: Which is a shame any way you look at it.
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Speaker 1: To continue these reasons of his he mentions, I think no,
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Speaker 1: you were alluding to number five when he said this
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Speaker 1: older woman that he's describing may not be as attractive
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Speaker 1: per Franklin. He says, the face first grows lank and wrinkled,
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Speaker 1: then the neck, then the breast and arms, then the
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Speaker 1: lower parts, continuing to the last as plump as ever.
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Speaker 1: So that covering all above with a basket, and regarding
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Speaker 1: only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of
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Speaker 1: two women to know an old one from a young one.
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Speaker 1: Here's the line I think you're referring to. And as
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Speaker 1: in the dark, all cats are gray, the pleasure of
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Speaker 1: corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal
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Speaker 1: and frequently superior, every neck being by practice capable of improvement.
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Speaker 1: That's pretty gross. That's one of the things that leads
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Speaker 1: some scholars to say this letter is satirical or comedic.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, he was a well known practical joker and satirist.
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Speaker 1: And he also, we haven't mentioned this yet, he also
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Speaker 1: never sent this letter.
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Speaker 3: That's right, he wrote it.
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Speaker 1: We know he actually wrote it, but it for some
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Speaker 1: reason was never sent. What are some of the other
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Speaker 1: things he named?
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Speaker 2: He also again doubles down on that whole like you're
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Speaker 2: doing her a favor kind of vibe, says he almost
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Speaker 2: like tries to characterize having an affair, because again, this
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Speaker 2: is talking about a mistress.
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Speaker 3: He's not talking about taking a wife.
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Speaker 2: Because he basically starts the letter off saying you should
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Speaker 2: get married. It's the better idea to get married, because
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Speaker 2: that is the most natural state of man where he can,
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Speaker 2: he compares a single man to one part of a
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Speaker 2: pair of scissors and a useless tool that you know,
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Speaker 2: in order to be truly happy and to fulfilled, you
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Speaker 2: have to have a wife and have that other part
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Speaker 2: of the scissor. But he says, but if you're not
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Speaker 2: going to do that, here's some tips on how to
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Speaker 2: get you the best possible harem of mistresses. Presumably right,
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Speaker 2: so again virtuous to carry on an affair with an
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Speaker 2: older lady, and he characterized it as such, quote they
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Speaker 2: are so grateful, while saying it's less sinful to sleep
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Speaker 2: with an old woman than it is. Then the act
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Speaker 2: of quote debauching of a virgin, which he characterizes being
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Speaker 2: ruinous to both lady and gentleman.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, And then his seventh point, the penultimate point, is
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Speaker 1: that the compunction or the regret or sorrow is less.
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Speaker 1: Says if you have made a young girl miserable, it
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Speaker 1: may give you frequent bitter reflections, you might feel bad
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Speaker 1: about it later, but in this way you will make
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Speaker 1: an older woman happy, which is again I know I
16:54
Speaker 1: used the word earlier, but it fits. It's kind of gross, right,
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Speaker 1: And he's got one more point, which I think you
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Speaker 1: mentioned earlier, which is they are so italicized grateful, which
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Speaker 1: just stinks. And then he closes the whole letter saying,
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Speaker 1: that's my paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly,
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Speaker 1: being sincerely your affectionate friend, Benjamin Franklin.
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Speaker 3: Benny Franks, So this.
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Speaker 1: Advice, you know, this is something you and I have
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Speaker 1: not talked about yet when we're off air. Do you
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Speaker 1: think this letter is sincere or do you think it's
17:29
Speaker 1: some draft of a comedic device.
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Speaker 2: I tend to think that it's sincere. I do too, am,
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Speaker 2: giving what we know about him.
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Speaker 1: I hate feeling that. Yeah, because he, as you said,
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Speaker 1: his libido was such a driving force in his life
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Speaker 1: that later he himself came to feel terrible about it.
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Speaker 1: But he was also known for trying to feel up
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Speaker 1: almost any woman he found attractive.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, and.
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Speaker 1: He treated his wife horribly. His biographer said that he had,
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Speaker 1: or one of his biographers, a guy named Albert Henry Smith,
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Speaker 1: said it is no use blinking the fact that Franklin's
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Speaker 1: animal instincts and passions were strong in rank, and that
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Speaker 1: they led him to the commission of deplorable arata in
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Speaker 1: his life, and that the taint of an irredeemable vulgarity
18:22
Speaker 1: is much upon this man.
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Speaker 3: I know.
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Speaker 1: And this is back, you know, in the early redeemable vulgarity.
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Speaker 3: I know.
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Speaker 1: Oh, And we're harving on this, but it's important that
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Speaker 1: we were not making a hit piece on some American hero.
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Speaker 1: But it is crucially, crucially important for us to acknowledge
18:46
Speaker 1: that this person was a human being and not just
18:48
Speaker 1: some airbrushed ideal of early America, which, you know, not
18:55
Speaker 1: to say that he didn't do some amazing things. It's
18:59
Speaker 1: just that he did a lot of horrible things. And
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Speaker 1: when scholars tackle the question of whether Franklin was being
19:08
Speaker 1: comedic or serious, they go back to context clues, whether
19:12
Speaker 1: the letter was delivered, what other kind of stuff did
19:15
Speaker 1: he write. He, for instance, wrote an article about flatulence,
19:23
Speaker 1: the glorious fart or something like that, fart proudly, fart proudly. Yeah,
19:28
Speaker 1: and that was satire, right, yeah, yeah, that was satire.
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Speaker 1: But that was satire with I guess a cause because
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Speaker 1: he was saying, it's a natural act, don't be ashamed
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Speaker 1: of it, that's right. And he had some hypocrisy going
19:43
Speaker 1: on there too, right.
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Speaker 3: Oh, big time. I mean in so many ways.
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Speaker 2: Again, like in poor Richard's he really tries to I
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Speaker 2: don't know if he's trying to do it for the
19:52
Speaker 2: sake of vanity or whatever, but he's certainly all these
19:54
Speaker 2: aphorisms are meant to be these virtuous ways of living,
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Speaker 2: these kind of Tao of Ben Franklin kind of things,
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Speaker 2: you know. But he even characterizes sex as a very
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Speaker 2: utilitarian thing, referring it to it as something that should
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Speaker 2: never be done for pleasure. That should only be done
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Speaker 2: for procreation, you know, for the greater good. But obviously
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Speaker 2: he did not practice what he preached in that respect
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Speaker 2: at all. And he was even there was rumor that
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Speaker 2: he was a member of the hell Fire Club, which
20:22
Speaker 2: was a group of aristocratic men who potentially engaged in
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Speaker 2: like orgies and you know, all kinds of crazy shenanigans.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, and those those rumors. I think at this point
20:35
Speaker 1: we still have to say he may have been involved,
20:38
Speaker 1: but those the circumstantial evidence was pretty pretty strong. We
20:44
Speaker 1: also know that he was a hoaxter who was a
20:48
Speaker 1: troll for fun. Can you imagine him in the age
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Speaker 1: of the internet. I'm having a tough time. He also
20:55
Speaker 1: was known for doing all kinds of weird experiments. He
20:59
Speaker 1: had like tristy parties. When he wasn't holding orgies, he
21:04
Speaker 1: invented his own alphabet.
21:06
Speaker 2: We did a whole episode on that one, Yeah, we did, sure, Yeah,
21:09
Speaker 2: check back on that one if you want to hear more.
21:11
Speaker 3: Mm hmm.
21:11
Speaker 1: And I think we talked a little bit about some
21:13
Speaker 1: of his inventions, not all of which were amazing. He
21:17
Speaker 1: had a we mentioned this in previous episode. He did
21:21
Speaker 1: mate bifocals. He did make the Franklin stove. That was
21:24
Speaker 1: his first invention. He made the glass harmonica, which quickly
21:30
Speaker 1: got a bad reputation due to the lead in the glass.
21:33
Speaker 2: Oh but then you know that, But that's there's still
21:35
Speaker 2: this is a really cool instrument. It's got like a
21:37
Speaker 2: rotating drum kind of situation where it's like beveled glass orbs,
21:41
Speaker 2: almost like you think of a Christmas decoration glass bowls,
21:44
Speaker 2: glass bowls, but they're all joined together, and you you know,
21:47
Speaker 2: it's the same idea as playing tones from a half
21:51
Speaker 2: filled or various levels of water and wineglasses. You rub
21:55
Speaker 2: your finger around it, it creates a synathetic vibration. But
21:57
Speaker 2: they do still exist and there if you look, if
21:59
Speaker 2: you you can find some concerts of classical pieces being
22:02
Speaker 2: played on the modern day harmonica.
22:05
Speaker 1: Yes, which will not poison people.
22:08
Speaker 3: Of course.
22:08
Speaker 1: This is such a ghostly distinct sound, Casey, if you could,
22:13
Speaker 1: could you play just a short clip of that so
22:15
Speaker 1: everyone can hear the music perfect. That's some spooky stuff. Oh, Casey,
22:53
Speaker 1: by the way, while we've got you here, do you
22:56
Speaker 1: think this letter was sincere or meant in jet? That's
23:01
Speaker 1: a tough one.
23:03
Speaker 3: This doesn't seem funny enough to be tire.
23:06
Speaker 1: It's so hard to say something that old from such
23:09
Speaker 1: a different time. But yeah, it's probably probably mostly sincere,
23:13
Speaker 1: I would say, which is oof. Yeah, also casey on
23:18
Speaker 1: the case, we have the verdict. So, as mentioned in
23:29
Speaker 1: a previous episode, he compiled a list of two hundred
23:35
Speaker 1: plus very specific synonyms. If you hurt our previous episode,
23:39
Speaker 1: then you may know what we're alluding to. We would
23:42
Speaker 1: like to introduce you to the return of Ben Franklin's
23:45
Speaker 1: two hundred plus synonyms for being drunk.
23:48
Speaker 3: I adore these and never get tired of these.
23:51
Speaker 2: I feel like most of these work really well if
23:53
Speaker 2: you say them in a Cockney accent.
23:55
Speaker 1: All right, give it a go.
23:57
Speaker 2: I'll just do a handful. Let's see, and then we
23:59
Speaker 2: can switch.
24:00
Speaker 5: He's had a thump over the head with Sabson's jawbone.
24:03
Speaker 5: He's bridgie, He's cat chi, grinned, capable, crapped, cherumbilical, cherry, marry, womple, cropped, cracked, concerned,
24:13
Speaker 5: halfway to concord. He's taking a chirping glass, got corns
24:17
Speaker 5: in his head, a cup too much. I don't even
24:20
Speaker 5: know how to say this one. He's eat his copper,
24:22
Speaker 5: his crocus catched, He's cuts his capers.
24:25
Speaker 3: He's been in the cellar.
24:26
Speaker 5: He's in the cups, non compost, cocked, curried cut, chipper, chickery,
24:31
Speaker 5: loaded his cut.
24:32
Speaker 1: Okay, I'd like to do a few as well.
24:35
Speaker 3: There's literally so many.
24:38
Speaker 1: My favorites are the ones that don't make too much
24:41
Speaker 1: sense in the modern day, so stuff like I'll do
24:44
Speaker 1: a different English action, stuff like a he makes Virginia fence.
24:49
Speaker 1: He's disguised with a Z. He's right before the wind
24:52
Speaker 1: with all his studding sails out. He's been too free
24:55
Speaker 1: with Sir John's strawberry. What the fight. He's drunk as
25:01
Speaker 1: David sal He's seen the Yellow Star. He's as stiff
25:04
Speaker 1: as a ring boat. His shoe pinches him. He's staggerish,
25:08
Speaker 1: he's polite, he's wasted his paunch. He's been amongst the Philippians.
25:13
Speaker 1: He's contending with theharroh. And what I think is weird
25:18
Speaker 1: about that is a while back I cooked up the
25:21
Speaker 1: euphemism I like to use for when someone's had too
25:24
Speaker 1: much to drink, which was they're very charming.
25:27
Speaker 3: My mom likes that one as well.
25:28
Speaker 1: You're very charming.
25:29
Speaker 2: My mom's always said that. I love that too. Some
25:32
Speaker 2: of these are just agay, we're going through alphabetically. But
25:35
Speaker 2: he's eat a toad and a half for breakfast.
25:39
Speaker 5: Yeah, he's he owes no man a farthing.
25:42
Speaker 1: He' says as good conditioned as a puppy. He smelt
25:46
Speaker 1: of an onion, Which is so much of these euphemisms
25:50
Speaker 1: are just all dependent on intonation.
25:52
Speaker 3: Right.
25:52
Speaker 1: Oh, he's going to Jerusalem.
25:54
Speaker 2: He's got the gout, He's had a kick in the guts,
25:57
Speaker 2: been with Sir John, goa geneva, globular, got the Glanders.
26:03
Speaker 1: He's been before, George.
26:05
Speaker 3: Before George, Oh, George top heavy.
26:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know why he's apparently Ben Franklin was
26:12
Speaker 1: trolling some people. I like to think that he had
26:14
Speaker 1: a friend named George and he was trying to make
26:17
Speaker 1: fun of him. Make it a figure of speech.
26:19
Speaker 3: No, no, now that's a question I wanted to ask you, Ben.
26:21
Speaker 2: I feel like this is sort of an anthropological experiment
26:24
Speaker 2: where he's overheard these in various pubs throughout his travels
26:27
Speaker 2: and he's documenting them.
26:28
Speaker 1: That's the official explanation, but some of these feel styled
26:34
Speaker 1: upon I would agree with you. You know, so let us
26:38
Speaker 1: know what your favorite one is a.
26:40
Speaker 2: Lot of biblical ones, going to Jerusalem, Ben to Jericho.
26:44
Speaker 2: My favorite straightforward one is he's intoxicated. He's had too
26:49
Speaker 2: much to drink. Did you see nim topsicle? He's nim topsical.
26:54
Speaker 3: That's like some sous stuff right there, right.
26:58
Speaker 1: Or oxycrosium. So none of this, despite the fact that
27:03
Speaker 1: we both obviously think this is hilarious, none of this
27:07
Speaker 1: mitigates his overwhelmingly gross activities with women in his letter,
27:17
Speaker 1: which is pretty short. You can read in full online
27:21
Speaker 1: his letter does it sounds like to all three of
27:24
Speaker 1: us come off more sincere than coming off as a
27:29
Speaker 1: satirical piece, you know what I mean? And thus ends
27:33
Speaker 1: the story of one of Ben Franklin's most famous or
27:37
Speaker 1: infamous unsent letters. But this does not end our show, Nola,
27:42
Speaker 1: I propose that we take a trip into a segment
27:46
Speaker 1: we haven't done in a while. Listener mail sounds great, man,
27:49
Speaker 1: what do we have?
27:53
Speaker 2: Our first listener mail comes from Christine C. And it
27:56
Speaker 2: is in regards to our tooth fairy episode. Christine writes,
27:59
Speaker 2: my kids have the worst tooth fairy ever. She was
28:02
Speaker 2: consistently late after a while, she started leaving notes explaining
28:06
Speaker 2: why a little notes written with pink or purple jelpen.
28:08
Speaker 2: One fairy was fighting in a civil war. One was
28:11
Speaker 2: in drug rehab for a fairy dust addiction. There were
28:14
Speaker 2: many others. I remember one of my daughters actually gave
28:17
Speaker 2: back some of the money to help these derelic tooth fairies.
28:22
Speaker 2: Love the show, Christine, that's really funny.
28:25
Speaker 1: That's great. Thank you so much for writing. And we
28:27
Speaker 1: have received some great stories from everyone about their own
28:32
Speaker 1: tooth Fairy experiences. Here's one from Mike T. Mike T says,
28:37
Speaker 1: gentlemen enjoyed the episode about the tooth Fairy. Didn't realize
28:41
Speaker 1: how recent that entity is. Since you asked, I had
28:44
Speaker 1: a fairly unorthodox approach to interacting with my daughter when
28:47
Speaker 1: she started losing teeth. This was about eight years ago.
28:50
Speaker 1: Instead of money, she got a poem under her pillow.
28:53
Speaker 1: The poem was purportedly from the tooth Fairy, and they
28:56
Speaker 1: were centered around the tooth loss. I still have a
28:58
Speaker 1: collection of about five six of them on the computer,
29:01
Speaker 1: the Lost Teeth Chronicles. At some point our daughter actually
29:06
Speaker 1: wrote a letter to the tooth Fairy, trying to figure
29:08
Speaker 1: out why she wasn't getting any money. She was pretty
29:12
Speaker 1: upset about it. I think she still has the reply
29:14
Speaker 1: from the tooth fairy in her drawer somewhere anyway, Thanks Mike.
29:18
Speaker 1: So it sounds like we have a lot of parents
29:21
Speaker 1: who are taking an innovative and original approach to the
29:24
Speaker 1: tooth fairy story. I think that's pretty cool.
29:27
Speaker 2: I do too, and it's not something that I really considered,
29:30
Speaker 2: but why not make it your own?
29:32
Speaker 3: Right?
29:32
Speaker 1: Absolutely, and since this practice is fairly recent, who knows
29:38
Speaker 1: the practice that you invent with your loved ones may
29:43
Speaker 1: become the dominant thing, you know what I mean? A
29:47
Speaker 1: few decades from now, people maybe getting tooth fairy poems instead,
29:51
Speaker 1: or tooth fairy correspondence instead of quarters or nickels, or
29:55
Speaker 1: however it works out with inflation. I'll have to check
29:57
Speaker 1: the episode out again. This concludes our listener mail, but
30:04
Speaker 1: not our show. Thank you so much for listening. Please
30:08
Speaker 1: tune in for our next episode, when we uncover what
30:12
Speaker 1: may be the one of the real life inspirations for
30:16
Speaker 1: the Tale of Rapunzel. In the meantime, you can find
30:20
Speaker 1: Casey Nol and myself all over the internet. We're on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter,
30:26
Speaker 1: all that jazz. We've got a community page where you
30:30
Speaker 1: can meet our favorite part of the show, your fellow listeners.
30:33
Speaker 1: It's called Ridiculous Historians. And if you want to find
30:37
Speaker 1: us personally on Instagram, we can help you out with
30:40
Speaker 1: that too. I am at Ben Bowley.
30:42
Speaker 3: I am at Embryonic Insider.
30:44
Speaker 2: Big thanks to our super producer Casey Pegrim as always
30:47
Speaker 2: Alex Williams, who composed our theme.
30:49
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh, I was just hype manning you.
30:52
Speaker 4: Yeah.
30:53
Speaker 2: I know you are a big fan of all of
30:54
Speaker 2: these folks, as am I, and of course our research
30:58
Speaker 2: associate Gabe.
31:00
Speaker 1: Yes, Yes, thanks so much, and Noel, thanks, thanks for
31:05
Speaker 1: hanging out with me as we dive once again into
31:07
Speaker 1: you know what. I feel like we did something important
31:10
Speaker 1: in this episode, but I can't resist going back to
31:13
Speaker 1: those synonyms for being drunk.
31:15
Speaker 3: Oh, I know, they're just too much fun.
31:17
Speaker 1: If you haven't made up synonym for being drunk, go
31:20
Speaker 1: ahead and send.
31:21
Speaker 3: It to us as well.
31:22
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can also just do that at Ridiculous at
31:24
Speaker 2: HowStuffWorks dot com. We will see you next time. For
31:36
Speaker 2: more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
31:40
Speaker 2: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows,