Latest / Feedbag with Nat Lauzon / Episode 21: Bed Rails, Butts & Bird Rage

Transcript

Episode 21: Bed Rails, Butts & Bird Rage · Feedbag with Nat Lauzon

• nat: Hi, welcome to Feedbag. Before we get started, could you just take a moment and make sure you're subscribed? Just hit the subscribe button anywhere you are listening or watching. That'd be awesome. welcome back. Hi. Hi. Hi. We went on vacation. We had a little trip ski poo. We went to Prince Edward County. In Ontario. And when I told my mom, she said, a trip out east. And I said, No, not the island. Not the island. But I think that a lot of people actually tend to think that I would Prince Edward County is a beautiful little area in southern Ontario. here's what I always like about our little trips now is that we get separate rooms. Yeah, we do. yeah, because he snores and I'm a hot house flower and I can't deal with snoring and motion in anything. I think it's is it perimenopause or were you always like that? Well, I because I hadn't slept in a bed with someone regularly like for many years. And so that I just get used to sleeping alone. And now I think perimenopause plays a role because it's like if I fall asleep, I don't want to be woken up because I won't fall back asleep. I've got night sweats on occasion. On occasion. you're also like just a light sleeper in general. I'm at the mouth guard. Blackout curtains, thing on my eyes, body pillow, fan, AC stage of life. There's a lot of overhead when you go to sleep. But yeah, so when we're on vacation I don't I it's separate rooms because Yeah. Because of all the aforementioned things and and the snoring, etcetera. And the nocturnal events. Yeah. Nocturnal events. you want to know about the most recent and most frightening and most dangerous? Yeah. Tell Tell the people about that crazy thing that happened. In October of 2024, I went to bed and I had a dream that I was a soccer goalie. but we were playing with like with a tennis ball, and the tennis ball was rolling very slowly to the goal line, way at the other side of my net. And I remember thinking in my dream. I'm gonna save this and I'm gonna be the hero of this local game I'm playing, and I saw the ball rolling, so I dove my whole body to catch the ball. But I actually did it in my sleep, and so I awoke screaming in pain and with my nose exploded on my face because in my leap. To save the ball from going in, what I had done in real life was I had cut my nose wide open, ripped it wide open on the corner of my nightstand. You wouldn't think a nightstand could cut your face open. but it does some damage. It does, and it's not my night my razor edge night stands that I used to have. It was just a regular wood one. It's not a knife stand. No, it's a nightstand. But the corner of it cut me, you can't see, but it it cut me from this nostril across my nose all the way up to this nostril. and so I awoke thinking I'm gonna be the hero to all of a sudden I'm on the floor in my bathroom on the on the bedroom screaming and blood everywhere, not knowing what I not understand, like it's just a rude awakening. I woke up and my face is cut open, pain and blood. Yeah, yeah. So I run to the bathroom to see. And I and he's this is him at home, alone in his apartment. Completely alone. This is 4 a.m. And I run into the bathroom and I'm like screaming, like, what have I done I I was like, what did I do? What did I do? Like Thank God I didn't knock all my teeth out because that would been really expensive. But I did cut my nose open. So I drove myself to the hospital. Fortunately, I live very close to the hospital and I drove to it. And about five hours later, when I finally got triaged and everything, they they stitched me back up. But they sent me to an ENT, not an ent Donna, an ENT. They sent me there because the woman who was gonna stitch up my face at first an emergency said, I can kind of see the cartilage of your nose. And so maybe I want to consult with an ENT. And so sure enough, the ENT did the stitches. And I looked into this a bit. It was quite scary because it could be that I have something which is a REM disorder, which is when you fall asleep, this is for educational purposes. When you fall asleep, your brain does something to tell your muscles to go into paralysis. Don't move, biotch It's not real. You sleep in. But My brain didn't do that. And so my body was living out my dreams. And it's not the first time it's happened, but it was the most violent time. And so to mitigate the possibility of this happening ever again. I now have bed rails and I've had bed rails for over well, almost two years now, since October twenty twenty-four. I have two full full on toddler bed rails on my king size bed in my bedroom so that I don't plummet off the edge again and do something else. I just want you to visualize toddler bed rails on a king size bed. It's quite funny. And my last name's Todd, so I'm Rupert toddler now. And that's anyway. Yeah. But here's the here's the thing that you actually never thought of about your bedrails. What? And your guitar gear. What? What about it? People come try out guitars. yeah, that's true. I have like thirteen guitars hanging on the walls of my bedroom. It's kinda it's ridiculous. Plus I got another seven or eight on the floor in the bedroom on rack on stands and stuff. And routinely when people come I'm selling a lot of guitars and buying guitars, I have people come because my amp is set up in my room. And so when people want to try guitars, I bring them into my room. Come to my room and it's She also makes fun of it. Like it's like, hey, do you guys play in your room? It's like come to my room and see my toys. Well, his best friend goes over and they play, they p they just like jam and whatever. Right. And we do it in my room. We play in my room. Yeah, and I'm all like, did you guys go to your room and play? Because that's where all your gear is. Come to my room and play guitars. I'm almost 60. Let's go play guitars. I forgot that for the last two years, and that's pretty much all most of the time I've been doing this. People come to my house. And they come in my bedroom to try out guitars and I never think about the bedrails and I've never explained them to anybody. No, and it's like I just and I just thought of it recently. I'm like, my God, you have people coming to purchase guitars, they go into your room and it's like, I'm a man with a king size bed and bedrails. Like, what are they Hey, the guy was pretty cool and I bought a guitar, but I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to start talking about it when people are there. I'm gonna say, I have a sleep disorder. This is why I have bedrails, it keeps me safe. I think I'm gonna have to start like get really tight sheets to tuck me in and maybe I'll strap myself in at night. I think the bed rails more than anything are just a pain in the ass to pee in the middle of the night. It's not it's a pain to get in and out of bed. Yeah. It's such a pain in the ass because I gotta climb in from the foot of the bed, crawl up, and then I've gotta like find my sheets, pull them down, and then like get in them and then put my feet in and then slide my body in. It's a real No, there's no swinging your legs off the side of the bed and getting out and having a pee. it's really labor intensive to get in and out of bed since I have these things. But but Yeah. Spaz. That's me. Rupert doesn't believe that I can't fart while sitting on my butt. I can't believe he doesn't know this after five years. I cannot fart sitting on you won't fart sitting on your butt. I cannot fart. What happens? It won't come out. So the fart won't happen? Yes. Because why? Your anus is squished in a way. Yes. Do you have a special magic anus? Because I ask them. I I don't think anybody else let we'll take a we'll take a poll in the comments. If you can't you fart while sitting on your butt? Because I always have to ch lift a cheek. I have to lift a cheek. I cannot fart while sitting on my bum. I think you do it for dramatic effect. It's like, I do it alone. Yeah, but then for the dog or whatever. Or just practice. No, well I can't. you met me at the right time because I'm the most gassy I've ever been in my whole life. Then I'm so glad I met you when you became the most gassy. How is that good for me? It's not. Like a like my fart in Prince Edward County w it sounded like a cat. Yeah, in the car. She's like, I got a fart and then I'm like, Okay. she rolled down the window, did the one cheek sneak and then she just went, Meow It was a literal meow. Her ass meowed. Yeah. That was really funny. It was a funny one. We laughed quite hard at that one. But Do you have like inside fart jokes with your friends about famous farts that you've done? I'm talking like my friends growing up, like there'd be some famous farts, like somebody farted and we'd all laugh because you're like 12. I still do it at 58. But there was famous farts. I'm just gonna name them. There was pepe, ba ba wow. That was my friend Pat. There was what is it again? Pepe. Baba Wow. That's nice. my friend Jeff at the time did one that just went boot. and then my mother's classic breakfast fart. my mother has since passed, unfortunately. I remember her like as an elder British gentlelady sitting at the kitchen table, probably with her cigarette in her hand that she always had, and she just raised a cheek and the fart went. Mareeumra And I told my friends at school, my mom farted And it went Mareeumra and it's just we still say it now. And then there was one time when I was like, I'm gonna say I was like ten and I had a a room to myself, but I have four sisters and two of my sisters shared a room and it was through the wall and they were like laughing and giggling and I was like getting mad about Because you wanted to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep. I'm 10. Yeah. Kind of what am I? So I was like pounding on the wall for them to shut up. I think internally I was probably just a little jealous because they were laughing so much and having fun. I was like, shut up, you know, because I'm not having fun. But they were laughing over a fart. but I remember my sister Lou yelling through the door, shut up, you old man. And she would have been like sixteen or seventeen, and I was like, ten. Shut up, you old man. Because my sister, my other sister had done a fart that went Ba ba ba pow. Man. And they were in hysterics over it. this list of farts is very whispery. Ba ba ba bow pa ba ba ba wow boot and Mareeumra Those are the ones I think that are the classics. I hate packing. She hates it. You don't understand. I hate packing so much. It is in my top three things that I hate to do. And I hate packing. Sound like rich girl problems. I hate having to pack. For my trip for my trip to Prince Edward County to visit the vineyards in a expensive Airbnb, I don't wanna do my packing I hate it because I I'm I'm I'm not organized with packing and I so I prefer to take a car everywhere 'cause the car is your suitcase. True. The car becomes your suitcase. So yeah, and I didn't even have like I used your shampoo. Yep. You used my toothpaste. two major essentials and yet I had seven pairs of shoes. Yeah. And and Hot rollers and a hair crimper. No, I didn't. But you know, I bring dumb stuff. Yeah, you bring stuff you don't use and you don't bring stuff you need. But you're really sweet because you're always like, just bring it, just bring it. You're always like, just Yeah, well, there's room in the car. Just throw it in. Who cares? Because I didn't want to bring another pair of shoes which I didn't wear and you were like, just bring It's a car. Just put in there. Who cares? And I was like, Okay. I'll tell you the story about how I learned to pack. Okay. Now you have to picture my father who's this British man, and just by just by nature, the British accent seems to convey some kind of ability for everything. Or authority or some kind of like, well, we'll just and so I was in CJEP, so I'm about seventeen, eighteen, and I'm going on a trip to New York. And this is how my dad told me to pack, and I still do this. I'm I was going, Dad, I I I think I I'm going on this trip, but I'm not sure I have anything. I'm kind of stressed out. And he goes, Well, he goes, the best way to pack is to go through your day in your head. You get up in the morning. What's the first thing you do? And I'm I gotta brush my teeth. I forgot toothpaste. Great. And I go through the and he said, Then now you've had your breakfast and you have do you have adequate clothes? So I'm like, Yes, I have it. And then he goes, He gets through the whole day and it's like, forgot this, forgot that. It was really, really handy and then he goes, now it's evening. And you're out and you meet a tart. This is what he said. You meet a young tart. Do you have a Johnny? I was like 18, 19, whatever. And was like, What? A Johnny? And I of course I didn't have any at that time. So said, Well, Dad, can I have some of you? He goes, certainly not. And that was my the birds and the bees with my dad were pretty funny. Yeah, was it because he was trying to teach you the birds and bees in that moment? Or he was really trying to help you pack? Or a little bit of aid. He's also tried to have the birds and the bees talk with me. As a like a youngish guy, I was like eighteen or nineteen and I was dating my first real serious girlfriend, I'd say. this is about a year into it. And I remember I was cooking minute steak. Just picture this in the suburban kitchen. I'm What is Minute Steak? Minute steak's really thin sandwich steak. Like you'd seen a Philly cheesesteak type of thing. It's really thin steak, but it cooks like really fast. Okay. And my mother used to work like during evenings. So my dad and I would fend for ourselves for supper. And so I was cooking Minute Steak, just minding my own business. And up comes my dad, he sidles up to me out of nowhere and he just starts having a conversation with me, which is strange, right? Because dads and they don't really talk. But he's like, Rupert, and I'm like I'm frying a steak here. Just is there you and Nancy, who's my girlfriend at the time. I'm like, yeah. And he goes, Do you fornicate? And I was like, Yeah, I guess so. And he goes, Do you wear a condom? He says it like that. Condom. Condom. Do you wear a condom? And I'm like, Yeah, yeah, we wear condom and he just said, Well, make sure you do. And then he turned on his heel and walked out of the kitchen And that was the end. That was pretty much my whole sexual education from my father. I'm trying to think of other weird stuff, my dad advice. there's a great book called shit my dad says. Yeah, you were really late to that game. I know I was late. Because it's only about fifteen years old. I know. You were like, Look at this book. I found the book. I was with you when you found the book. Okay. And you're I was like, dude, this is really old. Well, I'm not an interneter, I guess. Here we are saying I as he says from his podcast with his girlfriend. This is live to air on MySpace. My space is coming back apparently. I was never a MySpace or You were. Not really. I joined MySpace because everyone was on it. I didn't want to. Right. I joined it and I think I was on for like a week or two and then everyone's like, Hey, there's this thing called Facebook. I was like, What? I just got on MySpace. I'm not going to Facebook. And then I did and Right. Now Facebook is the old people platform. It's been the old people platform for a good ten years. But it's like that's that's our pocket. That's where our rewatch. That's where all our friends are. All our friends are on Facebook. Talking about all our perimenopause and saggy boobs and Sniper wearing and all that stuff. It's all new on Facebook nowadays. Even bolt is weirded out. He's like, what is my mom doing? Yeah, that's that's a voice I can do. I know she's a weirdo. look how cute he's being. He's he isn't even the sweetheart. Yeah. Should we mention your balls? 'Cause we can't see today. Mine? Yeah. We don't have to mention them in every g every episode. Yes we do. Yes, we do. Nat is as sweet as she seems and as genuine as she seems. I don't know if you listen to her on the radio or see her on the show, but she really is very much a kind, tolerant, happy, go lucky, nonjudgmental person. Except Except. Except for, and this is a really odd thing to get violently angry about, but she does. Is people misidentifying birds she has this camera, you have this bird feeder camera that records all the birds, and a lot of people have this, and there's like this community, and a lot of people will post, like, what is this bird? And that's been like a bird fanatic since you were like a little kid. When I was a child, a child I loved birds so much that I was in a birding group with old ladies. Me and old ladies. And my mom would take me on the birding trips with the old ladies to go see birds. That is so weird. It's so I was a midlifer way before midlife and everyone's. She's been old since she's seven. what specifically drives you nuts is when somebody misidentified a bird, misidentifies a bird with certainty. Yes. Like this Carolina Wren looks a little weird. Is there anything long wrong with it? I just be sitting next to her and she'll be like First it's the inhale, the long inhale through the nose. Then I just heard tap tap tap tap tap tap. It's a male adult country house sparrow. It's a male adult house sparrow, not an infant wren or whatever the hell it is. And it's like looking at me like with this can you believe these I get mad. I get so mad. It's like you idiot is what you're gonna say at the end of the post. I get mad if people are certain about it. But if somebody were to like, Hey, what's this red bird? It's a cardinal. you'd be like, Well my god. That's don't be dumb. Like a cardinal or a Robin or a blue jay, don't be stupid. Like that's just stupid. Well that's stupid for us because we live here, but other people might not see them. Okay, but if it if it's a bird that you that's everyone sees every day, you really should I mean blue jay or cardinal, those are pretty cheap. It's just it's like you have a very low tolerance For bird incompetence. It's like this so and so and so and so. I've never seen one of these this far up north, and you're like, that's because it isn't one. That's a male house sparrow, you fucking idiot. I get so But she gets really worked out. I I do. And it's hilarious. It's like the one thing that I get really impassioned about because I'm I don't I don't like it. the other day 'cause you you saw over my shoulder I was on my iPad and then it was it was like a still from a bird cam. And it said Hey, I've never seen a brown thrasher before and I was like Like you see, you actually had to pause. but you Lord give me strength. That's how it is. It's like you were over my shoulder and you went, What is it? What is it then? Tell her what it is And it was a Carolina Wren and I'm like, Jesus And I said I said like It's obviously a Carolina Wren. And then I open the comments and I'm like, see, all these people are saying Carolina Wren, Carolina Wren, K it's not a brown trasher, it's a Carolina Wren. Ugh. But that's how she gets. Like she I don't think she's acting right now. You actually are feeling those emotions. I am. I just I get mad when people misidentify birds. I don't know. I just do I'm okay with everything else. But I'm not good at like seabirds or waterfowl. I'm not good at those. But I'm very good at identifying songbirds. So don't Fucking mess. Okay? Okay. That's her real face. But only for bird stuff. Alright, well, that's just about all we have time for on my imaginary watch. So thanks for joining us. We'll be back in two weeks. and if you wouldn't mind liking or commenting or subscribing, I say it every time, but you know what, y'all? It helps. It does. It does. It really does. It does. Do it to all your favorite people, not just us. But we're your favorite Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. we'll see you next time on Feedback. Okay. Alright. Alright, I'll see you on Okay. Okay, bye. We'll see you next time, sweetheart. We'll see you next time on the feedbag Who calls the podcast feedbag I think we're done. I think we're just being dumb now.