Latest / Breaking Mayberry / BACKDOOR LOVERS: Basic Training at Fort Sandals

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BACKDOOR LOVERS: Basic Training at Fort Sandals · Breaking Mayberry

0:25
Kind love prompt so bad one of my guests, crush your cheestooking one to
0:33
beat the little baby, and like your back door, I've been coming through
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that waiting night to love you for shoot on your bed, staring my bathroom.
0:47
Hello and welcome to another episode of Breaking Mayberry's Backdoor Lovers, a show
0:52
about two good old boys, never meaning no harm, beating all you ever
0:56
saw. I've been in trouble with the low since the day we was born.
0:59
I'm one of your hosts. I'm Marty Schneider. I'm the other host,
1:02
Dan Ludwig uh And today we're talking about the fucking We're talking about the
1:07
dukes of Hazard. Man. It was only a matter of time before we
1:11
talked about the dukes of Hazard. It's really weird that we've like, it's
1:15
been brought up several times. It's been brought up several times throughout and it
1:18
has a lot of Andy Griffith connections. James Best, who plays Sheriff Roscoe
1:23
Pee Coltrane on This was the handsome guitar player in the early episode of the
1:29
Andy Griffiths Show. The thumbnail for the next episode features otis Yeah, I
1:34
saw well. A lot of connections and a lot of like fandom, a
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lot a lot of shared fandom and everything it is. It's sort of answers
1:44
the question of what if the Andy Griffith Show was embarrassingly horny, like just
1:52
absolutely sloppy, fall over horny like like tech savery cartoon wolf whistle. So
2:00
yeah, this is this is our first venture into the dukes of Hazard and
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probably our last one, hopefully. This is also the first episode that I've
2:08
recorded wearing a jock strap and icing my nuts. Oh holy shit, you're
2:14
strapped up right now. I'm strapped up right now. And let me tell
2:17
you something. Man, the first time this strap was on, I was
2:20
not aware of it. It's very weird to go to sleep and then wake
2:24
up wearing a jockstrap. Yeah, let's let's go ahead and explain a little
2:30
bit, folks. Uh list got folks, I don't. I don't know
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what to tell you. We're gonna spend the first portion of this talking about
2:37
my balls. Yeah. Boy, there's the man I was before this episode
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and the man I am now. And there's a vast deference between the two
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of them. I got a million of them and a million of I got
2:51
a vasect to me, folks, Christmas came early. Yeah, yeah,
2:53
I gotta scalpel up in net stocking. Go ahead, man, go ahead.
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I know you got I know you got questions all right right now?
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I just have the one, which is um and I don't want to get
3:04
too personal, but how much bigger are your balls than their normal size?
3:09
Is it like one and a half? Is it? I'm glad, I'm
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glad you're you're at you're asking me this, Dan, And the answer is
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not that much bigger, like like they're they're certainly like swollen at this moment.
3:23
But it's enough that you forget Dan, you know how right like you
3:27
have a sense of how big your balls are? Yeah, and you know
3:30
how to do things naturally like get out of a chair or walk upstairs?
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Are going how to spread your legs apart so you don't miss belvidere yourself.
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I was about to say, yeah, are you at like def Con nine
3:45
about mister belvideering yourself right now? Is it a constant concern? It's it's
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not as bad as you would think. And that's that's kind of the message
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I want to send here to any listeners who might be considering this it's not
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as bad as you might think. My particular case was a little worse.
4:03
Most of the time, this can be done most of the time, this
4:05
can be done in a outpatient situation, be done like right in the doctor's
4:11
office. For reasons that I'll explain in a minute, mine had to be
4:14
done like I actually had to go and be like knocked out in a hospital
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and things. So I'm gonna explain that. I don't want to preface this
4:21
by saying, listen, we're gonna spend a good time partion of this episode
4:25
talking about my balls, and then we're gonna spend some time talking about the
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dukes of hazard and listeners. I swear to God, by the time we're
4:30
like halfway through the dukes, like go back to the pesticles, go back
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to the ball talk. Yeah, but no, it actually hasn't been that
4:39
bad. You know, I'm not taking anything worse than like extra strengths,
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tail and all, and i'd be profit and stuff. So it hasn't been
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that bad the recovery. But yeah, I do, like it's just swoll
4:51
enough that I have problems. I think I'm fine, and then I get
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up off a couch and I try to like put my legs down normally and
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I go, oh, oh, okay, it is tender. Do they
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do they do it with a laser? Is it one of those where they
5:04
did like they fired a laser through testicles. No, I did not get
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laser bald. I'm not allowed to have sex. I can't masturbate or anything
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for at least seven days, basically for fear of ripping the stitches, which
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which thus far has been not a problem. Because the idea of like anything
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being like touching down there, especially like in a repetitive motion. Uh,
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it fills me with dread and make me want to lie down and cry.
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I do, unfortunately know this about you that you masturbating is practically an aerobic
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exercise. Um, it's a very involved activity. I have to do stretching
5:43
in everything before it, but it is it hasn't really been that bad.
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But I do want to like back up and tell the story of how I
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got to this, like why this happened, because I had some weird times
5:54
coming up to this. You know, you go in for a you're going
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for a consultation on this on the normal things, and you kind of lay
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down and you get poked and prodded at and things, and they kind of
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grope and examine, and the doctor like felt one of my testicals. I
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was like okay, and they felt the other one and kind of like looking
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for the tube that they were going to cut. And then I yelled at
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and then they said, well that's interesting, which is not something you want
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to hear at any point. And they said, okay, listen, we
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it's a little harder for us to find your tube because something's up with one
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of your boys, So you gotta go get ultrasounded. So I did.
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I got ultrasounded in a place that you don't want to be ultrasounded. Having
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a very weird day. Ultrasound technician, a man in his mid fifties,
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wearing way too much axed body spray, which for a man in his fifties
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is any amount of axed bodies spray. Yeah, did not appreciate it when
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I leaned over and said, Doc, give it to me straight. Is
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it a boy or a girl? Wasn't a fan of that was? I
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thought that ship was fucking hilarious. Well, he gets that like three times
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a day. How many times do you think he has ultrasound nuts constantly?
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That's his job. That's literally his only job. So ultrasound things, a
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solid portion of them are going to be testicles. Anything else's X ray.
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Fair enough, Yeah, fair enough. So if you have to bring your
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absolute A game to the ball ultrasounding guy, you need to be on point
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with what you come into that office with. Well, I'm sorry that I
7:32
wasn't on my A game because I was trying to figure out whether or not
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I had ball cancer. But right, yeah, and so they sent me
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home. Feel I'm pretty weird about the whole thing. So send me home.
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And the next day they call me. They call me back and they
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say, hey, we need to ultrasound you again. There's something else we
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need to look at. And that's sort of a drop everything and go kind
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of situation, right like, when that happens, you are gone. Told
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my boss I'm not coming in this afternoon. I came down. They also
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sounded again a little higher. They found what they were looking for. It
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was a small hernia, which is not bothering me, and someday I'll have
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I might have to get fixed in the future. But apparently I've had it
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for years and haven't noticed. That's fine, because all I heard at this
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point was the depth, not ball cancer. Yeah, And the ultrasound technician
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leaves and he comes back with an envelope in his hand and he hands me
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the envelope and I kind of go, wait, what is this? What
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is this you're giving me? And if all this is just something, you
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know, we took you out here again, you weren't planning on this bubble
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and I'm not really grasping anything because all I've heard is not ball cancer.
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So I'm there, I'm I'm cleaning ultrasound goop off my balls. I get
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done, I get dressed. I'm having a very weird time. And I
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go to the elevator and I open up the envelope that was given to me,
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this plane wine envelope, and there is a crisp, brand new twenty
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dollar bill inside. And then I felt I didn't feel weird about this whole
9:05
situation until that moment. Right the whole moment. I've been taking this with
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pretty much in stride. I'm like, Okay, yes, this is a
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doctor, this is you know, very you know, I don't know,
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this is just stuff that they The twenty dollar bill threw me for a loop,
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recontextualizes the whole thing a little bit. I felt weird and cheap.
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You were providing goods and services and receiving money in exchange, and I feel
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like it's it's only because it was my balls. Like if I was getting
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an EKG or whatever, they would not have covered my cope. That was
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only because of the balls. Yeah. Uh did you say the twenty are
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you? Did you keep it as like your didn't have cancer? Twenty just
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just framed it like like like the first dollar bill of your of your business.
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No, I did not do that. I think I spent it on
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lunch, got it. I think I got pizza, the most delicious pizza
10:00
ludge you'll ever eat. But because of the hernia, they did have to
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Like they were like, it's going to be easier on everybody if we just
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knock you out. Yeah, so I did have to go to the hospital
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and get knocked out. For most people, it doesn't. It's not like
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that at all. It's like a forty five minute doctors procedure. They don't
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even give you like anesthetic for it. No. Let mean they give you
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local aestigion, they don't knock you out. Yeah. Anyway, I guess
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my point is if you're a if you're a sperm bearer and you are considering
10:28
this. It's not that big a deal. It's not that bad. Recovery
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hasn't been so bad so far. But yeah, I did wake up wearing
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a jock strap, and this is not a sexy jockstrap like nobody was thinking
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it was a sexy drop jock strap. Marty. I just want to be
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clear, it's like this, this is a medical like tool. I'm not
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like going to the bike stop and rubbing up on a leather daddy and being
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like, hey, they're sailor in this. I also didn't want to mention
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like the whole like week without doing anything isn't It's not as that bad.
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Comparely, I spoke to a friend of mine who was a woman who had
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her tubes tied, and apparently if you're if you have your tubes tied,
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you can't have sex or masturbate for like a full on three weeks, almost
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a month Jesus. So comparatively, you could say I got off easy.
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Ah, yeah, yeah, got out easy. That one got me l
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Well, I'm glad you're shooting blanks. But we were all really worried about
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that. Everyone was really worried that I might reproduce. Yeah, like we've
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been getting together and be like, God, I really hope he gets that
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thing snipped soon. Bunch a little bearded weirdos running around unacceptable. It's time
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to stop talking about balls and start talking about dukes. Dukes a different pair
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of nut sacks. The Duke's a hazard if you've never heard of it or
12:01
seen it or anything of it. Lukesa Hazzard was a television show that aired
12:05
from nineteen seventy nine to nineteen eighty six. I think it aired for way
12:11
too damn long, Yeah, and it was kind of the epitome of that
12:18
nineteen seventies and eighties like obsession with the idea of rednecks, but nothing actually
12:22
redneck about it. It's about two cousins, Bow and Luke Duke, who
12:28
are moonshiners in Hazard County, Georgia, and they kind of like are always
12:33
in trouble with the law, and the law is represented by Sheriff Roscoe T.
12:39
Coltrane and his commissioner who has this corrupt like Looney Tunes, the Yosemite
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sam character of a man named boss Hog like I mentioned before, Roscoe P.
12:48
Coltrane is played by James Best, who was on The Andy Griffith Show
12:54
early on as the guitar player. Yeah. Ran from Sorry from nineteen seventy
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nine to nineteen eighty five, so one hundred and forty seven episodes spanning seven
13:03
seasons. At one point in time, was the top rated television show one
13:07
point, ranked only to Dallas. And it's about car crashes essentially, like
13:13
just the whole, the whole, The whole show was just an excuse to
13:16
do stunt work and car crashes and must have been a crazy expensive show to
13:20
produce. And it was about two cousins who run around breaking the law with
13:26
a giant racist car. It's a nineteen sixty nine Dodge Charger that's bright orange
13:31
and has named the General Lee and has a Confederate flag on the top.
13:35
It's a sweet fucking car. Later on it was made rad as hell.
13:39
It's rad as hell but also super racious. And they later on they made
13:43
a movie of it with Johnny Knoxville and Sean William Scott. Yeah, I
13:48
think, yeah, And I remember seeing that movie as a kid and liking
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it. I went out of my way to see it because the ads made
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it look like there was going to be a lot more boobs in it,
14:00
and I was very excited about that. But yeah, so you could really
14:07
replace this show from what I've seen with just stock footage of car crashes and
14:13
still pictures looking down women's tube tops. Everything they're saying to each other in
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between that is just them going like, why are we not in a car
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driving really fast right now? Is there a woman that can bend over?
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It's just a powerfully stupid show. I was before this, I was wondering,
14:35
why have we never mentioned talked to cover the Dukes that hasn't before.
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It's because there's nothing to fucking say. It's a It's just a wildly stupid
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show that was extremely successful, and I like stupid stuff. I love stupid
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stuff. I just mentioned Johnny Knoxville. I am a fan of the knox
14:52
Man. Yeah, and you don't get dumber than that. But I don't
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know, man, the Dukes that has it's something about it just bounced off
15:01
me, partly because there's there's just nothing to it, and it's it's recently.
15:07
Recently, I was listening to a podcast called Sixty Songs that Explain the
15:11
Nineties, and they talked about Vanilla ICE's Ice Ice Baby, and they describe
15:16
Vanilla Ice as this dumb, corny motherfucker who has no idea, has never
15:22
even thought that maybe he's not the coolest person in the room. Yeah,
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And that is the energy that the Dukes of Hazard has. It is that
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it is stupid as shit, but it seems to not be aware of how
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stupid it is. It seems to like run out and scream, look how
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cool this is. And if and if you weren't aware of cool things happening
15:43
or hot women being on the screen, don't worry. Because Merle Haggard,
15:46
outlaw country singer Merle Haggard is the narrator and he'll pause, even literally him
15:50
pause on the screen to say, isn't that a cool thing? Don't you
15:56
want to fuck that lady? Like check? Thanks merl Literally he at one
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point just introjects to be like check out that sweet but that's pretty good.
16:04
But right, we're all having a good time, all right, goodbye,
16:07
Thanks Merle. Thanks man, just like basically saying like, hey, that
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thing you're thinking about right now, I agree that was a pretty cool car
16:18
crash. All right, we're in this together. Goodbye, Bud. I'll
16:23
check back in with you later. Honestly, you put that way, I
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kind of love it. It's kind of my favorite feature of the entire show.
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Hey man, you horny. I'm morny too. We're horny together,
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you, you and Merle Haggard. We're both horny right now? All right,
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goodbye. Yeah. If you're unfamiliar with the show, yes, it
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is narrated by Merle Haggard. Every show opens with a song by Merroll,
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the same song good Old Boys Never Mean an Old harmon. Merle Haggard introduces
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you to the basic premise of the show, tells you what you're about to
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watch, and then just interjects, which is I kind of like it.
17:03
It kind of gives the Dukes like this whole folk hero idea, like none
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of this is real. It's just like being told to you from this like
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balladeer. That's literally what they call him. The balladeer is just telling you
17:15
the story of Bow and Luke. So it can be as exaggerated and as
17:18
dumb as possible. Maybe if you look at it that way, it's it's
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passable, but not for seven goddamn seasons. Anyway. Today we are not
17:26
talking We're talking about a dukes of hazard episode. But remember this is Backdoor
17:30
Lovers. Backdoor Lovers is a mini series where Dan and I watch failed attempts
17:36
to create other shows to create spinoff shows. So this episode of Dukes of
17:41
Hazard is entitled Mason Dixon's Girls. Oh my God, and I'm just gonna
17:48
read the IMDb like summary of this episode. Bow and Luke are arrested when
17:53
they mistakenly pick up a crate containing a marijuana shipment. Private Detective Private Detective
18:03
Mason Dixon and his two beautiful female associates are convinced the Duke boys are innocent,
18:11
and they work together to bring down a drug smuggling operation. So yeah,
18:15
what are the names of the beautiful two female associates. What is named
18:19
tinker Bell? Yeah? Their names are Tinker and Sam Yeah, and I
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don't know, boobs and legs yeah, like literally literally. The imdbe like
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featured user review is legs, legs, legs, and a double barrel shot
18:38
of denim rears enough to make Brookshields weep. Yea, all right, so
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it's it, I mean, as far as fuck. Their names are not
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Tinkers. Their names are Tits and Assay. Tits and ass detectives at law
18:53
It's so crazy that we went from like the Andy Griffith Show, which is
18:59
like, oh my va boom that lady's calves, to recently Charlie's Angels,
19:06
where it's like, oh, man, aren't you super horny about this woman's
19:10
shoulders? And now we're just like like, welcome to the Dukes of Hazard.
19:15
The camera is giving this woman a colonoscopy. What what? Let's keep
19:21
on with that. That Charlie's Angels theme, because this is very thematically similar
19:25
to Tony's Boy Tony's Boys, but not nearly I'm gonna be honest, not
19:30
as fun or interesting as Tony's Boys was. No, what what's a dumber
19:34
show? Charlie's Angels or Dukes of Hazard. Dukes of Hazard, I think
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is much dumber. Charlie's. They have to solve mysteries. Dukes of Hazard.
19:45
They're like, all right, a bad guy did some bad stuff.
19:48
Well, let's go to the bad guy's house and then they just do donuts
19:52
in his lawn until everything is salved. They're just like like, like,
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all the characters are just at razor thin it is. I've I've been hearing
20:06
about this show forever, and I assumed that when we watched and I'd be
20:10
like, all right, Bow and Luke are guys I would want to chill
20:14
with. And uh no, boss Hug, I'm sure I'll have fun laughing
20:18
at that asshole. And uh, you know, Uncle Roscoe, I'm assuming
20:22
I'm going to get some sort of like grandfatherly affection towards him. And all
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of them just basically came in, yelled their deal, and then walked off
20:32
camera. Bow and Luke or I don't know who these maybe I would like
20:37
to hang out with them. I know nothing about them. They were just
20:41
some guys. But in the nineteen eighties, these were the coolest motherfucking guys
20:47
on the planet, right, Yeah, if you if you lived anywhere near
20:51
or close to the Mason Dixon line, these were the two coolest motherfuckers.
20:56
They had the coolest car, They always got the hottest girls. Bow Is
20:59
sliding across the hood to get into the general Lee and slide it the Dimpson
21:06
has it as a show. I think I like the idea of it more
21:07
than the execution. Yeah, like in theory, I should love this show,
21:11
and we maybe we just watched a bad example. But I don't really
21:14
feel like I need to go and watch any more of this. But this
21:17
was an attempt to really push um Mason a show about Mason Dixon, private
21:23
Eye, and his too hot associates. And when we're introduced to Mason Dixon,
21:29
he is hanging out outside of his RV, which has his RV which
21:34
has his motorcycle in the front, and let's see if the ultra let's see
21:40
if the ultra souped up. Hazard Wiki can tell me exactly what kind it's
21:44
a trans am. It's a transam. So he's got he's got a fucking
21:47
Pontiac trans am with the firebird on the front, and he's towing that behind
21:52
his RV, and he's got his motorcycle in the in the front of the
21:56
RVOT he's got motorcycle in the front, a motorcycle on the back, and
22:02
he's towing and he's towing a trans am on a trailer, and he's got
22:06
the two like hot girls sunning themselves on top of his roof. And the
22:11
idea apparently they just live in a permanent, like open threesome. Yeah,
22:15
I guess it's so clearly established that these that they're in like a polyamory situation.
22:22
So I mean Basically, the idea was they're like, okay, so
22:26
you know how Bow and Luke are cool, Well, what if we just
22:29
took that to the fucking limit. What if we had to do that was
22:32
just nothing but fantasy. You thought we were doing fantasy before. Here we
22:36
fucking go. What do you living out the the forty year old male fantasy
22:42
of being homeless and having a bunch of threesomes all the time. It's pre
22:47
Jack Reacher. This is such a He lives with four vehicles attached to each
22:52
other like they're going to transform into an autobot. It looks so fucking stupid
22:59
because he's a private eye that needs to investigate things. And then he rolls
23:03
up to his cases in a fleet basically with his little armada. I'm just
23:12
gonna I'm gonna talk about the weird sexiness of this show. Maybe maybe that's
23:18
a sense of sexiness. Look, this is this show is full of beautiful
23:21
women in short shorts, and that's kind of its whole appeal for a big
23:25
generation. But they were very Maybe it's just that standards have changed or whatever.
23:29
But I watched this whole thing going I'm I'm really this is not doing
23:33
it for me, guys, you are you're actually being off putting with how
23:36
horny this and yeah, god damn it, Danny, Yeah, I was
23:42
going and may I remind you I'm not allowed to masturbate. It is It
23:48
is a godsend that this show did not move the needle for you. That's
23:53
what I'm saying. Though. If if I've ever been in in a like
23:56
low standards needle moving situation, this is it. I'm sorry. Did you
24:02
think I was gonna let you beat? Let me? Do you think I
24:04
was gonna let you beat me to that vasecting me masturbation joke? Not in
24:08
your fucking life. No, nothing is letting me beat that's the problem.
24:17
Oh fuck No. It's like I can tell that the whole um, the
24:22
whole mystique of Dukes of Hazard is like, let's hang out with these guys,
24:26
and it's it's strongly implied they fuck, like yeah, and you're like
24:30
you're kind of watching me, like yeah, I'm living vicariously through these guys
24:33
that fuck. And then Mason Dixon is like, let's remove all ambiguity about
24:38
that situation. We are practically watching them fuck, like do they do they
24:45
do they fuck their cousin, because there is there is another Duke. There
24:48
is Daisy Duke who is Bo Luke coy advanced. So I guess are the
24:52
guys that they added later when Bow and Luke left the cousin So so there
24:57
there's a third cousin, I guess. So, I mean, that's that's
25:02
not that weird. They can be multiple cousins, but this seems like it
25:03
should have been one of their sisters. I don't know, Marty, it's
25:07
I'm sorry, it's weird. You you asked that question, and a bunch
25:10
of fanfiction dot net tabs opened up on my computer spontaneously. It's almost like
25:15
they're trying to fight their way into my browser. Hey, here's a fun
25:18
little factoid from Wikipedia. The pilot episode was supposed to include a barber modeled
25:25
after Floyd Lawson on The Andy Griffith Show as a regular character, but he
25:27
was eliminated when the final draft of the pilot script was written and before the
25:32
show was cast. What if Floyd fucked? There was almost a horny Floyd
25:37
on here, rather than being ambiguously horny all the time. Just got it
25:42
in, all right? So this episode opens with Bow and Luke trying to
25:49
do absolutely nothing wrong. They just went and got a new water heater because
25:52
their water heater was out, and they're driving the water heater behind them,
25:56
and Sheriff Roscoe Pee Coltrane is like, oh, get them duke boys,
26:00
because he finds some bullshit weight up to pull them over because they don't have
26:04
anything red attached to their thing that they're like towing behind them. Like when
26:08
when you have something sticking out a vehicle, you're supposed to tie a red
26:11
flag to it. Okay, cool, basic ass law. Roscoe pulls him
26:15
over. Oh you dukes, I got you now, whah And they're like,
26:19
all right, fine, we'll tie a fucking thing to it. Jesus
26:22
Christ, Roscoe. Uh. And I don't even know how this happens.
26:26
But as they're looking at the water heater, they pull out a bag of
26:32
they pull out a bag of marijuana. From the they pull out a bag
26:37
of alf Alpha's Brounce. It's parsley. They fucking it doesn't look anything like
26:45
weed. It looks like grass. It looks like actual grass. Like honestly,
26:52
at that point, like the best move should have just been like,
26:55
oh hey horse, give me boys, just whistle for a horse and give
26:59
him a a healthy snack. Yeah. Oh, there are lawn clippings that
27:03
we were transporting. Prove otherwise it does. It looks nothing like fucking marijuana.
27:10
Yeah, but then there's just bags and bags of it, and so
27:12
there they are like, oh shit, the sheriff has like us with bags
27:17
of marijuana that he's freaking out about and gone marriage in wuana. And apparently
27:22
the rules here in Hazard County are if you can pull the hat over the
27:26
sheriff's head, you're no longer in trouble. They basically tabletop him. Apparently
27:34
the rules are like if you can knock the sheriff over and have him waddle
27:37
around like on his back like a turtle, you're good. Yeah, there
27:41
are no consequences for punching the sheriff in Hazard County. They practically play keep
27:47
away with his gun. It's really funny how we do this. After the
27:51
Andy Griffith Show, and we had mentioned the Andy Griffiths Show plays by crime
27:53
rules. You know, the criminals always have to wear a certain outfit or
27:56
whatever. It's like duca Hazard has that same idea, but the rules are
28:00
slanted towards the criminal. Yeah. No, and it's super silly. It
28:06
is. It is the one virtue of this of this show that they are
28:11
like fuck cops, but not in like the way of like all cops are
28:15
bastard. They're like, all cops are babies, All cops are are little
28:21
babies. All cops are will babies, and you can just like you can
28:25
just knock them over and they can't do anything about it, which is like
28:30
I think it's it's sort of the other spectrum of like whenever somebody's like police
28:33
are doing brutality, but like, have you tried just like pulling their arms
28:37
behind them back and punching them repeatedly in the stomach. You're clearly allowed to
28:42
do it. It reminded me of I had to go back and watch it.
28:45
There's a comedian called Trey Crowder. Have you ever heard of him?
28:48
He goes by the liberal redneck. Trey Crowder's whole thing is that he's from
28:52
Georgia and he is a far leftist, and he speaks to rednecks about political
28:57
things from a leftist perspective. And he had a whole thing during Black Lives
29:02
Matter where he kind of asked rednecks, when did we start liking the cops.
29:06
Yeah, traditionally, rednecks and cops have not gotten along very well.
29:11
And he mentioned and I watched the video He says, the most popular redneck
29:15
television show of all time is about two cousin fuckers getting one over the law.
29:19
Yeah, all the time rednecks helped me out here. When did we
29:22
start liking cops? I must have missed a memo on Latin boys. Yeah.
29:27
For those of you who don't know, rednecks and the police are natural
29:30
enemies and pretty much always have been. You ever seen the show Cops?
29:34
About every other episode takes place in the day I'm trailer park. And if
29:38
that ain't enough for you, they single most popular redneck TV show of all
29:41
time is literally just about two cousin fucking good old boys running from the law
29:47
on a sweet ass orange car. Do you ever seen Smoky in the Bandit?
29:49
The hero ain't fucking Smokey. It's sort of a whole thing with us.
29:53
I've been surrounded by rednecks my whole life. I have never once seen
29:57
them react positively to a sudden police presence. You ever watched Smoking in the
30:02
Bandit? The Hero ain't Smoky's a great line and It made me think about
30:07
that in the terms of like how we talk about the Andy Griffith Show,
30:10
Like people who are fans this have no idea what the fuck the law or
30:15
crime is or about anything, because they still seem to think that, Yeah,
30:19
you're you know, police brutality and corruption is fine. It's funny there.
30:26
It's totally cool that cops are made entirely out of bugs bunny villains.
30:30
Yeah, because you know, if you can say duck season, wabbit season
30:34
at them and run away, you're fine. Yeah. If you got shot,
30:38
it was your own fault. You didn't pull up, you didn't pull
30:41
out your an villain mallet fast enough. Oh I'm sorry, did the cop
30:47
arrescue? Did you try giving him a particularly confusing riddle that would have saved
30:52
you like three hours? I'm honestly surprised that at no point in time Bow
30:56
and Luke like disappear behind a tree and come out dressed as women and wave
31:03
their parasol in front of someone and say you, mister copa, mister Coltrane.
31:08
I the slapstick on here doesn't work for me. I think I think
31:15
any we've described a lot of things as live action looney tunes. Uh,
31:18
this this is particularly live action looney tunes, right, Like every temper tantrum
31:22
that that boss Hog throats even has like a wait, there are like cartoons
31:29
sound effects in it, and that that I think is what what turned me
31:30
on, you know it. It is is like in a different context,
31:34
you and me would be so all about like two guys who do looney tune
31:38
antics on cops um. But the weird thing is is like they're doing looney
31:44
tune shit on the police. But they're not like We're a couple of rascals
31:47
having a good time. They're like, this is serious business. Where's two
31:51
serious guys doing serious missions and this is all really cool tough guys stuff.
31:56
Quick, bend over behind him so I can push him over. Let's go.
32:00
Yes, it's cool, badass maneuver. It has a very like tough
32:05
guy like Spike TV. Remember Spike TV with a channel. I think Spike
32:08
TV aired The Duke's a Hazard, and I think it like promoted like tough
32:13
action guys doing tough action things and it's not You're basically giving these guys a
32:17
fucking noogie. Yeah. That's kind of the thing, is like they Boss
32:22
Hog is just a fucking Elmer Fudd motherfucker that they fuck with endlessly. But
32:29
they all act like, oh, boss Hug. They act like he's Darth
32:32
Vader, which kind of ruins it because they're like, Boss Hug, the
32:37
ultimate evil has arrived. Prepare yourselves. So how do they even get fucking
32:47
Mason Dixon in here? So the boys drive away, they with the weed
32:52
in their car, so now now they are now they are actively trafficking it.
32:57
They hide it up at their friend cooters farm, and their friend Cooter
33:00
is just like, yeah, sure, like put these legal substances in my
33:02
in my hay whatever, put it next to the cocaine. I definitely have
33:09
uh. And then they then somebody calls the Mason Dixon team. I think
33:15
it's like governor or some shit. Yeah, I think. I think like
33:20
they call Atlanta. The cops call Atlanta, Georgia to figure out who's selling
33:24
the Dukes the weed uh, and Atlanta police are like, we don't fucking
33:29
know, man. Atlanta police at police call Mason Dixon and tell him to
33:35
get to work. So Mason Dixon and his girls they drive down. I'm
33:39
sorry, this character's name is Mason Dixon. His name is Mason Dixon.
33:45
Do you think thought that they were so fucking cute in the hospital, They're
33:50
like, well, our last names were the Dixons, let's name a Mason,
33:53
and some nurse was just like, oh god, another one, yeah,
34:00
yeah, no, but it was it was definitely. It was definitely
34:04
a white nurse because the Dixons did not let the black nurse handle their baby.
34:07
Oh anyway, you let's talk about Mason Dixon. Marty. Is Mason
34:14
Dixon cool? No, He's the corniest prick ever. And not only remember
34:22
this episode is called Mason Dixon's Girls, and that should be clear because Mason
34:27
Dixon doesn't do Mason Dick at all in this entire episode, just like hangs
34:32
out. He's like, he's like if in Charlie's Angels, if Charlie was
34:38
there drinking a doctor pepper in the background the whole time he does he does
34:45
punch two guys. He does punch two guys after the girls bend over and
34:49
shake their asses and distract the guys so that he can punch them. And
34:52
this is after he's already fucked up tying these same two guys up, and
34:57
they're like like, these are these are the easiest to untie Mason, you
35:00
suck shit, and they make fun of him. They make fun of him
35:04
for not being able to tie a knot, and then the girls are like,
35:06
look at our butts. And then he punches them, and that's like
35:08
their go to move. They do look at her butts, punch you to
35:15
twice to the same guys. They do that to them. Once he punches
35:21
them, they tie them up. The guys get untied or like, all
35:24
right, this time we're killing you. And then they're like, oh no,
35:29
my butt again it's injured. Oh yes, I got a bend over.
35:35
And then they're like whoa, and then he punches them again, like
35:42
so shitty. They don't even like pretend to do a different thing. So
35:47
two drug dealers drive up to the Duke's home looking for their crate of weed
35:52
yeah, and they're like, hey, you guys have a crate, and
35:55
Uncle Jesse, the old man, is like, we don't have any crate
35:58
because at that point he doesn't they have any crate. Yeah, And meanwhile
36:04
Mason, Dixon and the crew are watching this whole thing go down. Bow
36:09
and Luke are still hiding their fucking weed at at Cooter's place. The old
36:15
man. The drug dealers are about to go just fucking shoot Uncle Jesse in
36:20
the head. Yeah, when they notice Mason Dixon and the girls across the
36:24
way and like, okay, we're being watched. Let's get the hell out
36:27
of here. The Dukes call their uncle Jesse and say, Uncle Jesse,
36:31
we're in trouble. There's some marijuana. We we we've been found with marijuana.
36:36
And like this show is just so anti marijuana, Like, oh no,
36:38
marijuana, please slow down, scoundrels are the marijuana. But marijuana.
36:46
We run a legal moonshine. We trafficking alcohol that can cause blindness, but
36:54
not marijuana. So two things happen on this phone call number one. Number
37:01
one is that the girls, Mason Dixon's girls, Tits and Asked, are
37:06
up in a fucking telephone boat bowl as linemen just they've tapped the line because
37:12
they've plugged headphones into the fucking wire. That is happening. Meanwhile, they're
37:20
on the fucking County party line. So while they're saying so, the other
37:24
person, the operator, who is I guess Boss Hogg's cousin, is also
37:29
listening in. It's like, oh no, so she transferred the immediately to
37:32
Boss Hogg, which, holy shit. Maybe you know that part in a
37:37
pulp fiction where Eric Stults is like, don't ever talk about drug stuff on
37:42
a cell phone prank called prank called prank call. You know, I think
37:45
that you were really worried about nineteen ninety four. This is that, except
37:49
everyone's ignoring it. Yeah, Eric Stults is just driving through you morons.
37:57
Eric Stults' is Kurbet the Frog, I guess according to that voice, he
38:00
kind of has Kermit the Frog energy and pull fiction. But that happens to
38:05
them twice where later they're talking on the radio and they're like, all right,
38:09
this is our plan, and the police are like, okay, thank
38:13
you, we're on our way to arrest all of you, you bricks.
38:17
They're just like being like, all right, here where we're going to be
38:20
with the marijuana at this time. So what happened was they went to pick
38:24
up their water heater, and there were two water heaters next to each other,
38:29
and they accidentally picked up the one that is fake and full of drugs
38:34
and is part of a illegal plan to traffic weed using water heaters out of
38:44
an old mine. Yeah, that's being done by villain villain who was in
38:51
jail and Mason Dixon put him away, and then he got out and he
38:57
started up his weed selling operation again. So he's trying to get back his
39:00
water heater that's full of quote millions of dollars worth of weed. The Duke
39:07
Boys have to clear their names, and Mason Dixon is trying to catch the
39:09
guy. Um So Mason and Mason Dixon, Mason Dixon, his girls and
39:21
the Dukes all meet up and us and then there's a big there's a big,
39:29
long argument. Like first the girls beat up the Duke Boys, and
39:31
then there's a long argument between all of the like nine characters in this scene,
39:37
and then every character gets in on this. You got you got Mason?
39:42
His girl says three, you got the Duke Boys, you got Jesse,
39:45
Uh, Daisy and Cooter are there. And then just to round out
39:49
the cast Waylon Jennings comes in. Oh boy, there's who are having an
39:54
argument. Well, don't worry, folks, you don't need to Harris recap
39:58
the whole show right down now. Just know that while they're arguing, everybody's
40:01
gonna get it okay, all right, everybody's got their ship together, all
40:04
right. Later folks. Nine characters show up for this. The great thing
40:10
is is um Uh he comes in and he's like, all right now things
40:15
look pretty bad, but don't worry. When Uncle Roscoe comes fight, No,
40:21
that's not what his name is. What's the fucking Santo looking motherfucker's name,
40:24
Uncle Jesse? When Yeah, when Uncle Jesse starts talking, everybody calms
40:30
down because he's got what you call integrity. Meanwhile, on screen, no
40:34
one is calming down. If anything or guns involved. He's waving around a
40:39
shotgun. They're waving around guns. And then it only gets better when the
40:44
cops show up and arrest everybody, which they just roll and it'd be like,
40:47
thank you for telling us exactly where you were. Everybody's going to jail.
40:53
Um, And they arrest the Duke's Mason Dixon and uh and his girls.
41:01
They're they're at the they're at the jail. They do a big dramatic
41:07
thing. I think it's supposed to be like a oh my god, I
41:08
can't believe this happened, where Uncle Jesse rolls in and he delivers a heartfelt
41:16
plea to Boss Hog to not arrest his boys, and then Boss Hog is
41:22
like, no, fuck you I'm arresting them anyway. Um, and I
41:25
think it's supposed to be like, oh my god, he's showing weakness,
41:30
Uncle Jesse. No, but it's like whatever, it doesn't work, it
41:36
doesn't matter. And also it doesn't work because Boss Hog is like, ha
41:38
ha, you called me boss, But guess what, motherfucker, I'm still
41:42
arresting them. And then the Duke Boys get out of their handcuffs and beat
41:45
up beat up these like cartoon character villains and then run away. Anyway.
41:50
They just beat the crap out of them. It's not even They're like,
41:52
they're check it. I don't worry. I've got a plan. And then
41:57
they beat up all the cops and can of them together and leave like it's
42:01
not it's not clever. They just beat the shit out of the cops and
42:07
then run. Yeah, the cops are surprisingly cool with this, right,
42:12
Like they're by the end of this they're like, okay, you got us.
42:15
They're basically like the cops kind of are like high school nerds where they're
42:21
just like, oh, come on, guys, oh no, my glasses,
42:25
Like they don't seem to they seem to forget that they have the authority
42:30
to arrest people whenever they want weird, because this show like loves guns.
42:37
Guns are everywhere. Everyone's shooting all the time. Yeah, all right,
42:43
So they go up to this mountain where they it was a lot taller,
42:49
but now it's been cut down by a mining operations with an abandoned mine and
42:52
that's where the drugs are being stored blah blah blah by the bad guys.
42:58
But now the bad guys are like, we need to get Are we to
43:00
get out of here? Yeah? The dusk, No, this is this
43:07
is pretty fucking this mountain assault is so fucking stupid that we should go through
43:14
a beat by beat. So okay, all right. So first first,
43:19
the Duke boys beat up a couple of guys that no, no, no,
43:23
sorry. What happens is first stage of the assault, you park They
43:28
park an RV car and motorcycle combination sorry, and another car just in front
43:35
of the mountain, and then they start looking at it through binoculars and they're
43:38
like, how are we going to get in there? It's a it's a
43:42
fortress up front, there's guys with machine guns, and you can't climb up
43:45
the side of the mountain because it's steep um and then two guards are like,
43:51
hey, um, we see you because you just parked directly in front
43:55
of us with several vehicles, So oh, come with us so we can
44:04
murder you. And that's when the Butts trick is done. Um oh,
44:10
we forgot to say. How they even know it came from the mountain in
44:14
the first place. The way that, the way that, the way that
44:16
they knew that there was in the mountain is because during one of the car
44:20
chases, a car chase between the Pontiac transam driven by the by Tits and
44:22
Ass and the drug dealers, the drug dealers lost a hubcap and it nearly
44:30
ruined the transam or something. So they take that and using the mobile crime
44:34
lab in the back of Mason Dixon's RV, they analyzed the dirt. They
44:40
analyze the dirt and realized that it came like it had a particular mixture of
44:45
chemicals that could have only come from the mind that was razorback mountain, because
44:50
apparently these guys are all some fucking geology PhDs. It's so dumb. So
44:57
that's how they know to get to the mountain in the first place. Okay,
44:59
keep going, folks, So they do the they do the butts trick,
45:05
knock out the guards, Um, tie them up shittily. Um,
45:09
and then Bow and Luke's put on their uniforms, walk straight into the base
45:15
and then just are in the base for an in an undetermined plan. So
45:24
they've gotten that far and it would work if if Mason Dixon knew how to
45:29
tie a fucking knot. Yeah, he sucks shit so bad. He is
45:34
good at nothing. Um. The guards get loose immediately, just like radio
45:38
to base. The call sign they uses spider Man to Cobweb, Spider Man
45:45
to cob Web, you got some flies in the nest. Um, I
45:50
just like that. When the guards were picking names, that guy was like
45:52
dip some spider Man. Yes, guy, all right, like every job
46:05
he when they're picking call signs, he's just like fuck, he got it
46:08
first. Um. Spider Man calls Cobb, Spider Man goes Cobweb. He
46:15
just immediately captures the dukes and then they're going like all right. Uh.
46:22
They do the buttrick second time, knock out the guards again with at this
46:27
point, have cte the You gotta kill those guys, right, like kill
46:31
them Jesus, they're gonna get out again and shoot you. But they go
46:38
They basically say like all right, oh, we have no way, and
46:42
um they said that only a mountain goat can make it up the side of
46:46
that mountain. And then basically Dixon goes like, well, girls make like
46:51
mountain goats. Well I've done. He slapped both of their asses, slapped
46:55
them both on the ass and goes, get to goat, and they do.
46:59
They climb up the fucking mountain with with shorts and hiking boots and like
47:05
climbing gear, and then Merle Haggard stops the scene. It's just like,
47:08
yep, then I'm sure are some good butts, all right. Haggard literally
47:16
stops the show to say, like we're all looking their butts, right,
47:21
that's pretty cool, just us all hanging out looking at butts. Pretty great,
47:28
all right, I'm a little hard I'm Merle Haggard. Goodbye. He
47:36
says this in the same like he says in the same tone of voices like
47:39
Tombo Debt in the old Motel Safe commercials, I'm Tombo Debt and we'll leave
47:44
a hard on for you. No, It's like his delivery is like he's
47:49
reading a children's story about a playful bear that learns the meaning of friendship.
47:53
So it's like it's like he's reading a bedtime story, but it's like and
47:58
then there were butts. It's it's his delivery is so Disney movie. It's
48:07
great. So so so the dukes are tied up and they're like, whoa,
48:14
but it's a shame. And the girls kind of peek into their like
48:17
jail cell and they're like, ha ha, you boys got yourselves caught.
48:21
Well, we're gonna have to rescue you. And then the bad guys like
48:24
ha ha, got you now, So the girls immediately immediately get caught.
48:29
It's so stupid. Yeah, they're because they probably don't take a time to
48:36
gloat in the bad guy's base when I kind of an emphasize this enough.
48:39
The bad Guy's bass is one building that there is and there are only two
48:43
parts of it outside and inside, So like if there's nobody inside the base,
48:47
they're outside the goddamn basse. Like the bad guy basically had not moved.
48:52
He just stood in the same place and two girls came up, was
48:57
like, ha ha, we're gonna rescue you. And he was like,
49:00
oh well, this was easy. Cool, and then he ties them up
49:04
and is like I'm gonna murder you so hard. Um. Meanwhile, is
49:08
Mason Dixon doing anything at this point? How did they get out of this
49:13
one? I don't even remember it just another shitty I remember. Mason Dixon's
49:17
contribution is, Um, while this is happening, he's calling the police and
49:22
giving them their location in anticipation that the police will help somehow. It's basically
49:29
flying in the face of everything that has happened up until this point. Yeah,
49:32
it's right. Merle Haggard says, like Mason figured they could use some
49:36
backups. He put it in an anonymous call to the police, and he's
49:39
like disguising his voice by holding a handkerchief over it, Like, ah,
49:46
makes everything worse. Does not work or help for even a fucking second.
49:53
So the girls get captured, the the wee villains decide to leave without murdering
50:01
them politely. Um and uh so they skip into plan B, which is
50:12
Mason Dixon chases them in the trans am meanwhile to get down the mountain.
50:20
Luke and uh Sam Sam Sam. They're basically like, all right, are
50:25
we gonna have to climb down? And they're like, don't worry, we
50:29
have a plan that's much faster than walking down this mountain. And then they
50:32
proceed to start building hang gliders. Literally, we're moving pulse and feeding them
50:39
together hang gliders. Build the hang gliders like they're fucking lego masters. Which
50:50
not to overly question the realism of the show, but I can't imagine that
50:54
building a hang glider takes any less time than forty five minutes on a good
50:58
day. I imagine how how did the fucking hand gliders get up? They
51:06
brought them up in bags like they and they thought that it was their height,
51:12
their climbing gear, but it wasn't. It was actually bad gliders.
51:15
Yeah. Man, look, I'm looking right now at the ultra horny like
51:20
dukes of Hazard Wiki, and I'm looking at the picture of the girls climbing
51:23
the mountain and I see no bags. Yeah. Uh, horrible plot hole
51:30
whatever, I don't care. Who gives a shit? Uh? Luke just
51:34
jumps off. He's like, who I got a hand glider? He just
51:37
like hops off. Hey, do you remember that sag agenis game pac Man
51:40
to the Adventure of the pac Man, where like you would point at it
51:44
like a point and click adventure pot had a little sling shot and you can
51:46
shoot things, and at one point in time, pac Man like jumps on
51:50
a hand glider and you have to like guide him up and down using the
51:52
sling shot. That was cool. Anyway, that game is the only reason
51:58
why I was friends with my friend Michael and in third grade he had that
52:01
game. I love playing that game. Didn't particularly like him as a person,
52:06
just wanted to go over his house. Please continue eat shit, Michael,
52:10
all right. So anyway, so they fucking hanglid and it's the funniest
52:15
guy. The editing on this is so damn funny because hand gliding, especially
52:21
hand gliding as it was portrayed in the eighties and seventies, is a very
52:24
relaxing, chill activity, and so they they have they there's like easy listening,
52:30
like Believe it or Not kind of music playing in the background, and
52:35
they and they do hard cuts from like the Car Chase action, which has
52:39
like bluegrass music, very smoke it rules, it rules, like the Car
52:44
Chase has been hard cut, hard cut to b role of people who are
52:51
definitely not John Schneider, uh like just floating peacefully down on mountain on a
53:00
dude. I Oh, goddamn funny. The best the best line is like
53:09
Sam is like, you're pretty good at hang gliding for a new guy,
53:13
And he's like a new guy. I used to do this in the Marines.
53:16
Which what are you talking about? What could you possibly be talking about?
53:22
Why would you learn how to hang glide in the Marines? What possible
53:28
combat encounter could they have been preparing you for? He was stationed in Boca
53:32
Rata, just just just like some army general, drawing like with cran just
53:43
like just a guy with a with a hang glider and a gun and just
53:46
riding like pee pew next to it. Oh man, I wish I could
53:51
get assigned to the jet ski unit. Guys are having a blast. Oh
53:58
god, that would make more sense for the fucking Marines. Yea true right,
54:01
they're water based combat. The I think. I think basically they think
54:07
it's just like, welcome to the Marines. We're gonna teach you to do
54:10
all the rad shit rollerblading. We got a day on that. We're gonna
54:17
make you the best goddamn rollerbladers in the entire country. For freedom. Oh
54:24
you better clear out. You get shipped off to basic training at Fort Sandals
54:29
Resort. So welcome to the Jacksonville Marine Academy. You're learning monster truck in
54:39
today. Motherfuckers. By the way, they're holding c four this entire time
54:49
that they're on on the hang gliders, should mention they're hang gliding with explosive
54:55
because they land on the truck, cut a hole of dark and dropped their
55:00
bombs in the middle of the truck and like cool bye, Yeah, that's
55:04
the plan. And then they blow up all the weed. They blow up
55:07
all the evidence that they didn't do the crime. At several points in this
55:16
car chase, the cop cars land in the ditch. That's proving that the
55:21
cops were absolutely useless. Yeah, both accept attempt to arrest them. They
55:28
don't even notice the criminals, because why would they. They just seem like
55:32
normal guys on a truck. But instead they're like, oh, those guys
55:37
that beat the shit out of us twenty minutes ago. Yeah, let's arrest
55:39
them. Both times. Both times the cops will might up in the ditch.
55:45
Daisy Duke in her jeep pulls in. It's like, hey, you
55:49
guys need a ride, and the cops are like, yeah, I guess
55:52
we'll get in the car. Like a complice of the people. We're trying
55:57
to arrest person that just ran and me off the road. Sure, but
56:01
they're not like, all right, we're gonna put aside our differences. They're
56:07
like, oh, yeah, thanks, cool, let's go. Ultimately,
56:10
we're all on the same team here. Yeah, right, we're all getting
56:14
waffles after this. Right, they blow up the weed, the cops arrest
56:21
the cop dealers. There's a reward or the cops. The cops arrest the
56:27
pot dealers, and there's like a reward or something. I don't know.
56:32
Mason gets some of the reward money. The boys get them acclaim, the
56:37
boys clear their name, the cops get some like uh, notoriety out of
56:42
the whole deal. It's fucking stupid. And then after like making like making
56:49
out with the Duke boys, the girls get back in the RV like we
56:52
got a good on Dallas and have another sexy adventure. Yeah, and then
56:55
they drive off of him. I'll give it this, right. We've a
57:00
lot of We've seen a lot of backdoor pilots, and this is the one
57:02
where our main characters are the most involved. Yeah, a lot a lot
57:07
of the episodes we've seen so far, I've just been like the main characters
57:10
kind of drive by like, hello, Hi, this is still our show,
57:13
but this is the cool thing that's going on here. Now. This
57:15
is the Dukes of Hazard episode. The Dukes are heavily involved. The Dukes
57:20
are more involved, I would say, than Mason himself. It's strongly imprised
57:22
that the Dukes fucked the Mason Dixon girls in the woods between takes like it's
57:29
that. I'd say they are the most involved they possibly could be. And
57:35
I want to point something out. I want to put something out about the
57:37
popularity of the Dukes of Hazard. Point something out before you point that out.
57:40
At one point, Mason Dixon invites Daisy Duke to come away with him,
57:45
and she's like, I'm gonna join a polycuele. Yeah, And then
57:52
Uncle Jesse is like, no, you're not. I forbid it monogamy a
57:57
sacred um. But yeah, yeah, good, onto your So this is
58:02
the second season, Oh man, I forgot normally, normally I tell you
58:06
what episode this is. This is season two, episode twenty one, So
58:13
we're most of the way through the second season. This show is so popular,
58:15
of course it makes sense to try to do a backdoor pilot. This
58:19
is the second one they did in a month. Yeah, there were two.
58:24
There were two episodes, both in the months of February, where they
58:28
brought in a guest start to try to do a backdoor pilot. We didn't
58:30
watch the other one because Dan said, let's watch both of them, and
58:34
I said, fuck you. I put the kibosh on the idea of watching
58:37
two Dukes of Havard episodes. But I feel like we watched the better of
58:42
the two. They tried to do this twice in one month, and they
58:45
both failed. So there's two. I think we've revealed that there's two kinds
58:52
of backdoor pilots. There's the there's the Supernatural one where the show is winding
58:57
down. You're in like the seventh season. There's no way we're gonna keep
59:00
this going. Let's put together a plan B, like, let's let's do
59:04
our spin off now so that when this show ends, we have another one
59:07
to just all jump onto. And then there's this one and the Golden Girls
59:13
one, which is all right, we got a hot hand right now.
59:15
We need to spin off as many of these motherfuckers as we can, uh,
59:19
like, like, let's keep let's let's get as many of these fuckers
59:22
out before these people realize that this is stupid. Yeah, yeah, I
59:27
think Charlie's Angels had the same idea. Yeah, so let's talk about the
59:31
idea of Mason Dixon's Girls as a show. Like clearly, so this didn't
59:36
take off. I can't imagine why. Uh, I know, this seems
59:42
like like just just straight up America's Alley, really, I mean it's it
59:49
seems like there should have been a natural carryover from the Dukes of Hazzard fandom,
59:52
right, yeah right, because like instead instead of two guys and one
59:57
girl, now we have two girls in one one guy. Right, so
1:00:00
that's twice as maybe butts Yeah, like like we're we're at we're at a
1:00:05
full four cheeks man, Like, yeah, I just and there's all see
1:00:09
the dude he's there to get all the credit and do all the cool punches,
1:00:14
but you don't even really gotta pay attention to him. Man, So
1:00:17
what was the pitch here? Was it like Redneck Charlie's Angels? Was it
1:00:22
like like Duke's a Hazard but detective Dush. I don't, I don't,
1:00:30
I don't know what the pitch was here? What do you have green lit
1:00:32
this? Like? I feel like I not because I want to watch more
1:00:36
of it. But because like, if I'm the executive in charge of green
1:00:39
lighting things, I feel like this would be printing money. You feel like
1:00:43
you get at least three seasons out of this, right, Okay, because
1:00:45
here's here's one of the things. Dukes a hazard. You get it.
1:00:50
You're selling toys, you sell the generally, that's it. They clearly had
1:00:54
plans with this because they were like, all right, well, now we're
1:00:58
going to sell the art of be motors, dual motorcycles and trans am combo
1:01:06
collect them all. Uh. That toy set is going to do like Gangbusters.
1:01:12
Um. And then you know the dads watch it for butts uh Like
1:01:17
it seems like a slam dunk that would have made a billion fucking dollars.
1:01:21
But um, in terms of why green lighted, so I can watch it
1:01:24
as an audience member, no, I have some self respect, absolutely not
1:01:29
absolutely not never. Yeah, um, can we? So I think we
1:01:36
got to sort of talk about the elephant in the room of this show,
1:01:38
especially if we plan on never talking about the dukes of hazard ever. Again,
1:01:43
Yeah, we gotta talk about it generally. Um, Because I would
1:01:46
say, if we're to to Andy Griffith in a little bit and talk about
1:01:52
like the cultural impact of the show Dukes A Hazard, Dad, a big
1:01:58
old bad one, because I'm pretty sure this show normalized the fuck out of
1:02:02
the Confederate flag. You know. I don't even want to touch this though,
1:02:07
because I feel like a lot of people smarter than us have done it,
1:02:09
including the two thousand and five Dukes of Hazard movie where the show.
1:02:15
If I remember this one very clearly, they don't have the thing painted on
1:02:22
their on their car at first. Yeah, they wreck the car, they
1:02:25
go to Cooters. They go to Cooters to like give it repaired. They
1:02:30
get in the car after it's been fixed, they drive to Atlanta. Yeah,
1:02:35
and in Atlanta they have ship thrown at them and their boot and they're
1:02:38
in traffic and people are just being pissed them and they're like why why is
1:02:43
this happening? And they get out and they realize that Cooter has painted the
1:02:45
flag on their car without them knowing, and they go, oh, no,
1:02:51
no, no, you're being too charitable. Two things happen when they're
1:02:54
I remember, I can't believe I remember this movie crystal clear. They're in
1:03:00
traffic and lady next to them goes like, you pieces a shit you racist
1:03:06
fox and drives away and they're like that was weird, and then a trucker
1:03:08
goes like, hell yeah, brother, the South will rise again. That's
1:03:14
right, that's right, and they're like all right, what's up? And
1:03:15
then they go they go out of their car look at it and go huh
1:03:22
weird and then go back into the car. They're not like like uh oh,
1:03:27
They're just basically like, well, I'm neutral. I could not be
1:03:30
more neutral on this. I have no strong feelings either way, and then
1:03:37
continue with the movie. So it is a big old neither approved nor disapprove.
1:03:45
Okay that's fair, Yeah, that's fair. But uh yeah, I
1:03:47
know people have like talked about the generally to death, but just watching it,
1:03:52
I was like, holy fuck, this is this did it? This
1:03:55
did a lot because I don't know, man, it just kind of clicked
1:04:00
of how like clear of an endorsement of the Confederacy. This show is yeah
1:04:06
for sure. Yeah, And I don't know, it does like it does
1:04:12
like cartoonify everything. You know. It's it's this same idea of any Griffith,
1:04:17
where like nothing is that important and if you are upset by it,
1:04:23
then you're the idiot. Yeah, right, if If this bothers you,
1:04:27
then you're the dipshit because none of this matters. We're literally using cartoon character
1:04:31
effects. They kind of shield themselves in stupidity the same way that Barney Fife
1:04:38
does it. It's sort of it creates this mental divide for people where it's
1:04:45
like, listen, I have a Confederate flag on my house. It's not
1:04:48
because I have any opinions about black people. It's because I like the Dukes
1:04:53
of Hazard. The Dukes of Hazard had a Confederate flag. They weren't racist.
1:04:58
It's facto. I'm fine like it. Definitely. It creates sort of
1:05:02
that like that. Uh, I don't want to say, like that safe
1:05:11
version of the Confederate flag that you can put on your shit. Yeah,
1:05:15
it's trying. It attempts to deny it of its power. It attempts to
1:05:20
like like strip it and make it meaningless, but it can't. You can't
1:05:25
do that. It proposes the Confederate flag as a completely politically meaningless thing.
1:05:30
You could possibly have gotten away with that if you didn't name the car General
1:05:35
Lee. Right, that could do one or the other, but you can't
1:05:41
do both. Yeah, it's the car's name is General Lee. Yeah,
1:05:45
might as well name it the Jim Crow for fox sake. I'm sorry,
1:05:51
right, Like, you can't, you can't hide behind that. Yeah,
1:05:56
it's insane that they pulled that off. It is fucking crazy that they won
1:06:02
got that on TV and then it worked because people like it wasn't just like
1:06:09
southern like redneck racists that fucking love this show. People and everyone loved this
1:06:15
show. Yeah, like I said, it was second only the Dallas.
1:06:17
This was huge. People with very strong opinions about like about racism and the
1:06:25
Confederate flag. We're like, but that's fine. Stukes has are They're cool
1:06:29
though, and it's it sucks because it adds nothing. Yeah, it adds
1:06:33
nothing to it. It's a cool car. It's a sixty nine dollars charger.
1:06:36
You don't need to do anything. That's a cool fucking car. It
1:06:40
doesn't make the car cooler. It's like when we watch the Andy Griffith show,
1:06:45
we kind of have like the we kind of have the thing of like,
1:06:50
well, none of these Southern characters say the N word. Probably we
1:06:55
can we can kind of like put that into our brain so that we can
1:06:59
get this. But you are watching the Dukes of Hazard and there is a
1:07:02
giant blinking neon sign that says they say it like and to be clear right
1:07:10
again again this is this is ten years after the Civil rights movement. Yeah,
1:07:14
you know, like Andy Griffith at least has the defense of saying like
1:07:18
we're happening during the sixties and we don't have a time or whatever. No,
1:07:23
this is on the air well after the Civil rights after LBJ has signed
1:07:29
the Civil Rights Act, Like, we are well past the point where this
1:07:33
should have been acceptable. And this, everything about this just feels like like
1:07:38
a response to that. Everything about it just feels like like saying, all
1:07:43
right, well, just remember your place. And the Indian Griffin Show is
1:07:46
like, whoop, see we forgot to put any black people in our show.
1:07:50
And then the Dukes Have Hazard does does, jumps over in the background,
1:07:55
goes like we did it. It was intentional. I don't know,
1:08:02
man, I probably won't ever watch The Dukes of Hazard again. It's it's
1:08:05
a powerfully stupid show. Yeah, and it feels like it should be left,
1:08:14
you know, the memory that it is and it sucks because like,
1:08:15
again, everything about this should be cool. It should be cool that there
1:08:19
is an openly fuck the police show about stunts and car crashes and butts.
1:08:25
Right, yeah, that should be the best fucking shit ever, but it's
1:08:29
not, and we should stop pretending that it is. Yeah, I feel
1:08:33
Mayberry tell your grandpa to suck it. I could get all the enjoyment that
1:08:38
I want out of this show by going on YouTube and searching Dukes of Hazard
1:08:44
car crash compilation, Like yeah, yeah, just dude, I'm sure that
1:08:47
there is like four hours of video that's just like just the good part.
1:08:55
All right, So there's the Dukes of Hazard folks. Um, I don't
1:09:00
know, Mason Dixon sucks. None of these people went on to do No
1:09:04
other people went on to do anything ever. Yeah, Um, I'm assuming
1:09:12
that neither of Mason Dixon's girls worked particularly much after this. One of them,
1:09:19
one of them was already like Miss Dallas or like, she was like
1:09:24
a Miss America contestant, and she went on to do a whole bunch of
1:09:26
like one off episodes of like the A Team or whatever. She's just like
1:09:29
hot girl in a bunch of times. Okay, Yeah, so this was
1:09:32
her high point. Basically, Yeah, none of people wanted to do anything,
1:09:36
so yeah, I don't I can't understand why this didn't get green lit.
1:09:41
It feels like it should have gotten something because the bar was so goddamn
1:09:44
low. Oh Jesus, all right, we don't we don't have a rating
1:09:49
system for this. Uh we already did the rating system of would you green
1:09:54
light this? So that it would you green light it? I have the
1:10:00
same answer as you, basically, like no, I wouldn't. But it's
1:10:02
hard to imagine that, Like I can't imagine why somebody else didn't. So,
1:10:08
as always, you can find us on the actually can't as always here
1:10:11
you can find us on the internet somewhere. I don't know. Twitter doesn't
1:10:15
exist anymore, and like you can't post things out there. But we are
1:10:17
still at break Mayberry. I've started using Facebook a lot more Breaking Mayberry.
1:10:23
I don't know. We'll find stuff on high or whatever. I don't care.
1:10:26
Email us Breaking maybe at gmail dot com. Give us money at Patreon
1:10:30
dot com. Slash Breaking Mayberry. Eight dollars a month gets you all of
1:10:32
the Breaking Mayberry goodnesses, including the double double length bonus episode we just put
1:10:39
out of, just like all the stuff that we couldn't find time to talk
1:10:43
about throughout the year. Happy holidays, everybody. We'll be back in the
1:10:46
new year. We are going back to Mayberry. We're gonna take one more
1:10:49
pit stop to visit my sister in the world of doctor Quinn Medicine Woman,
1:10:56
and then we're heading right back into season five. Many thanks everybody for listening.
1:11:02
And don't look back door, hit you on the way out. This
1:11:13
kind love this from you both. This so bad one of my guests.
1:11:17
Crush your decent. Also shooting whine to be the little bitty and like your
1:11:24
back up. I've been coming through that waiting nights and love you for shooting
1:11:30
on your bed staring my bathroom. You got me crazy. God, love
1:11:36
you suit on your back door, lover, lover, excuse me. Note
1:11:45
has to show you love more than