Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep22: Clean, Clear, and Hilarious 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep22: Clean, Clear, and Hilarious 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: My uncle is actually 30 years sober.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_03: Can I believe that?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_03: 30 years sober.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, the other night I was like, oh man, I got so drunk I lost my phone.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_03: My uncle's like, oh yeah, I did that once.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, wow, you know how drunk you have to be to lose your phone 30 years ago.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_03: Holy hell, are you telling me you got a hammer and lost a landline?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_03: Good lord.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_03: No wonder you quit boozing.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_03: Those were attached to the wall.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_05: I uh I haven't had sex in a really long time because I quit drinking.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_05: So that's kind of how that works.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_05: Oh my god.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_05: Have you had sober sex with someone for the first time?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_05: That is.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_05: I don't think it's possible.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_05: I think I hear you have to be in love or get raped.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_05: I think those are the two scenarios.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_05: I'm sorry.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_05: And I lock up at night, so I'm never gonna find the one.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_05: You know?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_05: When I drank, I was an active slut.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_05: It was great.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_05: My number was yeah.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_05: I don't like I'll my number, um, my number can drive uh um uh a rental car, so that's uh different in every state.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_05: Uh God.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_05: I don't remember any of the sex I had.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_05: It was all blackout.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_05: You know, if you can't remember it, did it happen?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_05: I don't think so.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_05: I think I'm the only virgin with HPV then.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_05: I think that's what that means.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_05: So that's exciting.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_07: If you think you might have a drinking problem, don't go to AA.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_07: I'm gonna say that right now.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_07: If you're kind of on the fence about it, because those people are up.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_07: And they will make you think you don't have a drinking problem.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_07: Because you'll go into those meetings and you'll be like, uh, I think I'm damaging some of my relationships.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_07: And then you'll get in and a guy will be like, I woke up and the sea was on fire.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_07: Do you guys have any like non-pirate meetings?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_07: Is that an option?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_06: I just celebrated an anniversary recently.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_06: I am one year sober.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_06: I noticed that when I quit drinking, my husband started collecting expensive whiskey.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_06: That was a little annoying.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_06: So I was like, but it happened when I quit drinking, you started collecting whiskey.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_06: And he was like, I have been trying to collect it the whole time.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_06: I have from Wisconsin, though, that's just what we do.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_06: We drag.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_06: We have t-shirts in our airport that say drink Wisconsinably.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_06: My first shot of hard liquor was ever clear.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_06: If you don't know what that is, congratulations.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_06: You have homework.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_06: It's 190 proof grain liquor.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_06: And that being your first shot is a lot like losing your virginity to a traffic home.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_06: Everything else is smooth sailing.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_06: When I was 15, I gave up drinking for lent.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_06: But that was too hard, so I gave up Catholicism instead.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_06: And the priest wasn't sad to see me go because I was not his type.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_06: I did quit drinking, but I wasn't convinced in the beginning I was an alcoholic because you go to these AA meetings and you hear the craziest shit.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_06: Like the first one I was at, this woman was like seven years ago.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_06: I was giving myself an abortion in Alley with a water pig.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_06: I was like.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_06: You can use a water pig?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_06: I could have saved so much money.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_06: Talk about a life huh.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_06: And if you drink a lot and you're not sure if you're an alcoholic, just pay attention because the world will give you clues.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_06: One of my clues was a country music song called When I Taste Tequila.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_06: And the premise of the song is every time this guy tastes tequila, he thinks of one person, thinks of his ex-girlfriend and all the fun times they had together.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_06: And I'm like, whoa, when I taste tequila, it's just a montage of dicks.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_06: Just like the 2008 to 2011 Marquette men's basketball team.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_09: College was a blackout.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_09: So then they sent me down to uh to rehab, uh 20 miles outside of Miami.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_09: That's not too frustrating.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_09: I'm in rehab 20 minutes from Coke Town.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_09: And they have group therapy in rehab, and I gotta register a complaint.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_09: The way they do group therapy in rehab, it doesn't work.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_09: It doesn't work, guys, because what they do is they they make the people in the group give the therapy to the other people in the group.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_09: The counselor doesn't do shit.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_09: And what do I know what to say to somebody?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_09: It could ruin somebody's life.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_09: I don't know what to say.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_09: So this one group, there were six of us in the group, and the woman who was the counselor was this woman, Angie.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_09: She was like 400 pounds, an enormous woman.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_09: And she had a big cup of coffee, she used to rest on her stomach.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_09: And one day a new guy came in the group.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_09: The guy's name was Juan.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_09: This new guy's name was Juan.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_09: And he sits down, and Angie goes like this.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_09: She takes a sip of the coffee and goes, Juan, why don't you tell the rest of the group what brought you here today?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_09: So Juan gets up, my hand to God, this is what Juan says.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_09: Listen, guys, don't judge me.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_09: I'm not on the judgmental tip.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_09: I don't know what that means.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_09: That's what he said.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_09: I'm not in the Wu-Tang clan.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_09: I don't know what that means.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_09: But then this is what came out of Juan's mouth, verbatim.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_09: Uh I kidnapped my best friend's baby and sold it for angel dust.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_09: Then he sat down.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_09: Juan said, I kidnapped my best friend's baby and sold it for angel dust.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_09: Then he sat down.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_09: Okay.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_09: That was followed by the longest pause in the history of man.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_09: Then this is exactly what the counselor said.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_09: Angie took a sip of coffee and she goes like this.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_09: Artie, feedback?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_09: Feedback, this guy should be playing chess with Charles Manson! Feedback! What the f am I gonna say?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_09: I don't know what to say to this guy! I failed Jim! I failed Jim.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_09: Okay?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_09: It's not fair to Juan.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_09: What I'm saying is, it's not fair to Juan.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_09: I don't know what to say.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_09: It's not fair to Juan.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_09: But she wouldn't stop looking at me.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_09: So I got up and look, I speak in front of people for a living.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_09: I was scared to death.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_09: I got up and uh I said, uh listen, Juan.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_09: We've all had shitty days.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_09: If I were you, I'd try as hard as I can not to do that again.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: The first time that I moved to Austin, Texas was in uh the year 2000.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I moved there and hit the ground running, and I went out drinking and smoking every single night for a year straight.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it was really fun for a while, but after a few months I started to feel a little bit weird because before I moved to Austin, I had kind of imagined myself becoming a new person once I lived there.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: It just had never occurred to me that that person might be Nick Nolte.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Bless his heart.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um I quit drinking in December of 2003, and um I like being so well, let's not get carried away.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's fine, like I'm glad.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: I actually I like being sober.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm used to it now, but in the beginning I did not like it.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: It was really hard, and uh for a while I just hated it.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then after a few months, I realized that since I was no longer spending every night getting drunk and then every day recovering from the hangovers, I had time and energy for stuff I'd never done before, like crying and cussing at strangers.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_08: I tried drinking O'Dules.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_08: Uh, I don't know if you've ever had O'Doels, but if Coors White has a silver bullet train, uh O'Dules has a minivan that gets you to work on time.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_08: Um I thought of the perfect commercial for O'Duls.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_08: What it is, there's like a bunch of hot chicks playing volleyball, and then like a bunch of cool dudes playing guitar, and then I walk in uh and I pop up an O'Dules and I take a sip and I'm like, yeah, it's fine, O'Duls.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_08: It tastes a little weird, O duels.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_08: What do you want?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_08: I ruin weddings, oh duels.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah, I'll I'll drive everybody home, O duels.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_08: I uh I had a cocaine problem for a while.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_08: I couldn't afford it.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_08: Haha, boom, ruined my life.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_08: Uh I knew I had a problem doing cocaine when I was uh naked in my parents' living room doing wines.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_08: Naked's the official uniform of cocaine, by the way.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_08: That's like Superman's cape.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_08: And they came home early, oh, on time, uh, and they came in and uh they opened the door, and the only thing that I could think to say was, uh, uh, don't come in.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_08: I'm masturbating.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_08: You know your life's in a sad place if masturbation's the safe option with your parents.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_08: So, you know, I went to I went to rehab.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_08: Let me tell you something, folks.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_08: You know you screwed up in life uh if you're in an open field with a bunch of other recovering alcoholics and drug addicts, and you've been taken away from your community, and you're sitting in that open field just waiting, and out of nowhere, a therapist brings in a horse for you to pet.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_08: You've pretty much got it as low as you can possibly go if you have to learn how to re-pet shit.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_08: Because the horse doesn't want to be there either, you know.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_08: The horse is like, is glue still an option at this point?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_08: My favorite part about rehab uh was that every Tuesday morning at 10 a.m., we got to do sober karaoke! Huh?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_08: I thought the whole point of getting sober was avoiding karaoke.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_08: Like, you shouldn't be forced to do the things that you did drunk when you're sober.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_08: Like, alright, guys, they were doing that sober karaoke.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_08: We wind up some beds, we need you to pee in them.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_08: But don't get too comfortable because we got a whole group of fat girls here to need to f so.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_08: My my favorite drink uh was Evan Williams whiskey.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_08: I don't know if anyone here has ever had Evan Williams before, but I but I sum it up like this.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_08: Imagine all the other hard liquors and cocktails having an early evening happy hour.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_08: A late afternoon soiree, if you would.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_08: Uh Evan Williams would be the drink that shows up drunk and uninvited.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_08: We're saying, Jim Beam, I'm so glad you could make it.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_08: Come in, come in.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_08: Oh, thank you, Jack Daniels.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_08: Yes, it's been so difficult with the kids and work and all.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_08: And dear God, is that Evan Williams?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_08: Oh, make way for the mayor of trying to take care of myself.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_04: This morning I woke up and I flossed for the first time since like third grade.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_04: It really sucked.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_04: I didn't realize how much blood I had stuck between my teeth.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_04: Like a full sink.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, I don't drink.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_04: I quit drinking four years ago.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_04: Most people get drunk and they make people feel really bad.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_04: I had to quit drinking because I would get drunk and I would make people feel really good.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_04: Like, really, really, really good.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_04: Like so, so good that there were no men at my intervention.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_04: A lot of angry wives.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_04: My guy friends were like, you don't have a problem.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_04: Do you want to ride home to my house?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_04: The last that I drank was awesome.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_04: I got super wasted, blacked out, went back to the restaurant I worked at, walked into the kitchen, and had sex with the married dishwasher.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_04: Come on sedise, rock bottom.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_04: I don't really like having sex now that I'm sober.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, I do it uh a lot, but I don't like it.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, have you had sober sex before?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_04: You are there.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_04: It is disgusting.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_04: Ew, everything's wet?
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_04: It's gross.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_04: I tried giving a hand job recently, just had a breakdown in the middle.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, I don't know what I'm doing.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_04: What am I supposed to do?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_04: He was like, just get it wet.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_04: So I cried on his dick.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_04: It worked.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_10: 13 years into sobriety, I still think like an alcoholic and an addict.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_10: I still have like an addict's mindset.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_10: Like when I heard there was an opioid crisis, I just thought we were running out of heroin.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_10: I was like, oh fuck, we gotta make more.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_10: This is bad.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_10: We're all gonna get robbed.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_10: All our weird cousins are gonna come home soon.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_10: Asking to borrow the TV.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_10: Uh my friend was like, no, there's too much.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_10: There's too much heroin.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_10: I was like, well, that's that's not a crisis.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_10: That's a boom, okay?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah, it's only an opioid crisis if you're not on opioids.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_10: I don't know if you guys have seen anybody on heroin, but they don't seem too worried about it.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_10: They're not.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_10: They look like they solved the opioid crisis.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_10: Now they can take a nap.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_10: That was fun.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_10: Um I do care a lot about other addicts.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_10: I relate to them a lot, I get along with them a lot, and uh, and one thing that I was really worried about this year is because we're addicts don't we don't like to spend a lot of time well we actually love to spend time alone because we can hoard our hoard our supplies and draw the blinds and become just pieces of shit.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_10: That's our favorite thing, right?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_10: But it's not good for us.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_10: And so when we all went into quarantine, I was a little worried.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_10: I was like, I think suicide rates are gonna go up.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_10: You know?
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_10: I mean, you have to mean it.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_10: Because Amazon's gonna run out of rope.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_10: I'm not saying suicide's funny.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_10: I'm just saying it's kind of hilarious to want to kill yourself and have to wait three weeks for the rope to arrive.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you guys this.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: I just celebrated six years sober.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I'll tell people that and they'll be like, but you smoke weed though, right?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh no, I don't.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I didn't quit smoking weed though because I had a problem with weed.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: I quit smoking weed because I got tired of looking for my cell phone with a flashlight on my cell phone.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: I don't mess with drunks too much anymore, but this line of work they tend to find me.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like three weeks ago, I was performing in Austin, Texas, and after the show, a drunk audience member tried to fist fight me.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, which is funny, because stand-up comedy is the only art form where sometimes, if you do really well at it, after the show, the audience will try to physically assault you.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like that shit doesn't happen in theater.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like, nobody walks up to someone after a play, like, you think you're real funny, Macbeth?
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: To be or not beat your ass.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: So I get off a stage in Austin and I walk like two feet out of the room, and all of a sudden, this big drunk redneck walks up to me and he pushes me, and he's like, You're funny.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I used to be a bartender, so I knew what he meant was let's wrestle, right?
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I knew I wanted nothing to do with that bullshit, and I kept moving.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I get like two feet away from this dude, and then just from over my shoulder, I hear him go, Jew fro.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, and then I stop, and now I got a real conundrum on my hands because I'm not Jewish.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I know, I didn't believe it either.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: But now I gotta decide if I'm gonna fight this guy on like behalf of the Jewish people.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: But I had just bought these glasses.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: And it's the most amount of money I've ever spent on glasses in my entire life, and I didn't want this big redneck breaking my goddamn new glasses that I spent way too much money on.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: And then I thought to myself, what would your Jewish friends do?
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, save the money on the glasses.