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You Inherited Their Survival · Unlocking The Paradigm Portal

0:01
Good morning. Welcome back to Unlocking the
0:04
Paradigm portal. My name is Sarah.
0:06
It is time for our Sunday deep dive.
0:09
So come and sit with me and bring your coffee or your tea or
0:13
whatever the hell you drink in the morning.
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And I'm going to be totally transparent.
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I'm actually recording this Saturday night because the
0:20
processing time and uploading time takes forever and my
0:24
mornings are now slow and relaxing, so I'm not going to
0:27
get up and race around anymore. So have a seat, join me.
0:33
And I'm going to start with something personal.
0:36
And it's something that came to me in that bit of quietude in
0:40
the early morning that I've talked about where everything
0:44
starts to flow together and it doesn't always make sense of the
0:47
time. But Thursday morning I had, it
0:52
was like 5:00 AM. It's pitch black as always.
0:55
And I'm laying there and the pieces are coming together from
0:57
my dream and reality and everything.
1:00
And this very crystal clear concept came in and I'm calling
1:07
it my downloads. And because that's, I mean, the
1:10
last one was the Pandora's boxes liberation.
1:12
Like I didn't just magically come up with that.
1:15
And so this one came kind of as a complete surprise and a
1:20
complete concept in one. And what I realized is well,
1:26
before I tell you what I realized, I I work with tarot
1:29
and Oracle cards and I'm into astrology and all things woo
1:32
woo, which is interesting because I'm also extremely
1:35
science oriented and very factual.
1:39
So I blend the best of both worlds.
1:41
And I have this one deck of cards that I got that has become
1:45
my absolute favorite. And in it there is a card that I
1:49
was shuffling one day and I was like, what do I need to know
1:53
right now? Like what, what message is there
1:55
for me? And this one card came flipping
1:57
out and it's called the Vessel. And on it is this really
2:03
beautiful ornate like vase. And there's light coming out of
2:08
it. And as I saw it, I was like,
2:11
that's amazing. And it's all about instead of
2:14
being trapped by your wounds and your patterns and everything,
2:16
it's the mirror image of it. So instead of it being bound by
2:20
all of that, it's recognizing those wounds and turning them
2:24
into your superpower and becoming a container for all of
2:28
them in a healthy way instead of bound by them.
2:31
I hope that makes sense. So that I pulled that card like
2:34
weeks and weeks ago, and somehow it came in and into this moment
2:41
of quietude where everything started piercing together.
2:44
And what I realized was that I had been a vessel for a very,
2:49
very long time. And not like, as a martyr or
2:52
anything like that, and not in a depleted or resentful kind of
2:56
way, but in this very specific way that certain people move
3:01
through the world as activators or catalysts.
3:05
And my heat just turned on. And today, tonight, I'm
3:08
recording differently. I'm down in my living room
3:11
sitting on my couch and the vent is like right next to me.
3:13
So sorry if that noise is in the background and distracting you.
3:16
It's distracting me. But anyway, so I realized I have
3:20
been this vessel, this catalyst, and for many, many people and
3:26
everyone is a catalyst for somebody.
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And So what I realized is that I've been a catalyst that
3:34
functions as turning on the lights in the room that someone
3:37
has been navigating in the dark for so long that they forgot
3:40
that light was even an option. And I am very, very focused on
3:46
in my work, in my life on Carl Jung and shadow work.
3:50
Google it if you don't know what it is.
3:52
Go back to the Duality series because that was very much so
3:55
about all of that. And I mean, the whole concept is
4:00
shoving down all and now my cats are meowing.
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I am sorry, I'm just getting distracted left and right, but
4:06
I'm not going to stop recording. I'm rolling with this.
4:09
So shadow work is all of the parts of ourselves that we don't
4:14
necessarily like or accept that we shove down into the shadows
4:18
until you start turning a light on, sometimes with a little
4:21
headlamp, sometimes a full a flashlight, sometimes a
4:23
floodlight. And once you're able to see
4:27
those parts, instead of them being the boogeyman in the dark
4:29
that scares you, they become the parts of you that you integrate
4:33
back into yourself. And instead of being the parts
4:36
that were maybe shamed for being different or weird or too much
4:39
or too little or whatever it may be.
4:43
And if you listen to the unlovable episode, I've said
4:45
that one was a gut punch for me for a very long time.
4:50
So a lot of mine got shoved down because of feeling fundamentally
4:54
unlovable. Then when you turn the light on,
4:57
you start to realize it's bullshit that people have made
5:01
those comments or made you feel those ways or that you've chosen
5:04
to feel those ways. So I'm not kind of presence.
5:09
I turn the light on for people and I occasionally come across
5:12
people who turn the light on for me.
5:14
And it's amazing and transformative and fantastic.
5:18
And so as I'm waking up and I'm thinking about this and I'm
5:22
like, I've been the vessel and I've been that kind of presence.
5:26
I didn't manufacture it, I didn't create it.
5:28
I didn't try to be it. I just can't turn it off.
5:30
It's just who I am. But for a long time I've been
5:34
doing that with an open bottom to that vessel.
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So you know what happens with a vessel that has an open bottom,
5:42
it loses everything that it is meant to hold, including itself.
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So I was, I spent most of my life offering everything and
5:53
pouring everything out and hollowing myself out to make
5:57
room for what everyone else needed.
5:59
Like pulling people into the boat so to speak.
6:02
And that will make sense later on.
6:04
And holding them through the 1st terrifying breaths of being
6:08
truly seen. Which has happened especially
6:12
since getting into breath work and then watching them choose to
6:16
go back into the water. And when the water being all of
6:19
the wounding and the fears, and then I'm staying in this boat
6:24
smaller than when they arrived, wondering what did I do wrong?
6:28
Like feeling like I've chased people off.
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But what I realized is that nothing was wrong with me.
6:35
The vessel just didn't have a bottom yet.
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And then Thursday morning I woke up and I was sitting there
6:41
processing and it got 1. So that vessel closed off and
6:45
it, it was a beautiful, beautiful awareness.
6:51
And it ties into everything I want to talk about because it's
6:57
all of the wounding. It ties into how you end up as
7:01
an open vessel in the 1st place. And I don't think it's an
7:04
accident. I think it's architecture.
7:07
I think it's something that gets built into you way before you
7:10
have any say in the matter. And I think a lot of you know
7:14
exactly what I'm talking about. So we're going to go back to
7:17
where the blueprint comes from because I've been talking a lot
7:20
about generational patterns and everything starts with mom and
7:24
dad. I know, stay with me.
7:27
Don't get pissed because I'm not talking about blame.
7:31
And I want to be very clear about that before I go anywhere
7:34
near this. Most parents were doing the
7:37
absolute best they could with what they had.
7:40
Most you have the occasional deviant ones that are just
7:46
terrible human beings, but even those ones are carrying their
7:50
own mountains of crap. And a lot of them were working
7:54
themselves to the bone just to keep the lights on and the bills
7:57
paid. And a lot of them were carrying
8:00
their own inherited pain that nobody ever helped them to look
8:02
at. Go back and think about the
8:04
Silent Generation. They didn't have the tools, and
8:08
they were showing up every single day exhausted and scared
8:12
and doing what needed to be done.
8:14
And you, because you were a kid, couldn't see any of that.
8:18
All you could see was what was missing and what you needed that
8:21
wasn't there. And here is the brutal truth
8:24
about parenting that nobody tells you when you sign up for.
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It would have been really cool to get the memo ahead of time.
8:32
And it's that no matter what a parent does, something gets
8:36
passed down. And it's not because they're
8:39
failing, it's because they're human and because they're
8:42
healing their own wounds in real time while simultaneously trying
8:46
not to bleed out on their children.
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And sometimes they bleed anyways, not on purpose.
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And that's just because that's what wounds do.
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And I will always remember my first day in my first real
8:59
intensive therapy, gosh, probably about a decade ago,
9:04
that she was my therapist, my coach, my mentor, everything.
9:09
And I'd had a complete breakdown and I'd known her for a while.
9:13
And I called her and I said, hey, can we do some some
9:17
therapy? And she said, are you OK?
9:19
And I said, oh, yeah, I'm fine. And she said, bullshit, You
9:22
wouldn't be calling me if you were fine.
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And I was like, I'm not fine. And she came to my house and I
9:28
said to her, I just don't want to fuck up my kids.
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And I will never forget her head throwing back or her throwing
9:36
her head back rather and just laughing this full belly laugh.
9:42
And I was so startled by that because I was being really
9:45
serious. And I said, what is happening?
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And she just said, oh, Sarah, we fuck them up no matter what we
9:52
do. And I was like, oh, cool, So
9:54
this is a losing battle. And she was like, no, you start
9:58
dealing with your stuff and then you'll stop passing it down.
10:01
And then you can start mitigating the damage that's
10:03
already been done. And I was like, OK, cool.
10:06
And I felt like I was standing in front of my own personal K2
10:10
because I'm not a big fan of Everest.
10:13
And I'm not joking. It was the hardest thing that
10:17
I'd ever started. And the climb was, it never
10:22
stopped being hard. But like, I'd hit plateaus and
10:25
I'd be like, OK, I can breathe. I can relax a little bit.
10:29
And then the next hard thing would come in.
10:31
But the cool thing is every hard thing that you tackle, you're
10:34
prepared for it because you already tackled one hard thing.
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Even just making the phone call to find someone to talk to,
10:40
that's a hard thing. And then the next hard thing is
10:42
much more doable. It steps and you know, I, it's,
10:48
it's so right. Like, we don't mean to totally
10:51
screw up our kids and we don't totally screw them up, but we do
10:54
inadvertently pass our shit down to them to carry without being
10:58
aware of it until you do things like your own work.
11:01
And when I say work, it's with a capital W.
11:03
It's digging into your crap and not just analyzing it in your
11:07
mind, but actually embodying it. Like there is a huge difference
11:10
between understanding the work and the concepts and being able
11:14
to talk about it and actually in real time, living it with
11:18
intention and actively making changes.
11:21
Huge, huge, huge difference. And when I talk about the wounds
11:28
that I'm going to talk about right now, take a breath, don't
11:32
make a phone call and start telling your parents every way
11:35
that they screwed you up, because I'm going to talk about
11:38
the mother wound and the father wound tonight.
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And I'm not talking about what your parents intended.
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I'm talking about what got transmitted.
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And those are two very, very different things.
11:50
Intentions ultimately don't matter.
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That's just my belief. And I have a lot of people that
11:55
get all pissy about that. That's fine.
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You're welcome to have your feelings.
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I feel that if you say, well, that's not what I intended, but
12:03
you do something that's an asshole thing, it's still an
12:05
asshole thing. It doesn't matter what you
12:07
intended. And that means there's a
12:09
discrepancy between what your intentions are and what you're
12:12
actually doing. And the goal is to merge the two
12:14
so that you are intentionally doing what you intend to do, if
12:18
that makes sense. So we're going to go right for
12:22
the mother wound. And again, judgement free, shame
12:26
free, blame free. We are scientists observing
12:29
patterns and noticing what we were raised with because they
12:33
were raised with something and they're carrying what they're
12:35
carrying. And I remember I had a meme that
12:38
is somewhere in my 8000 pictures on my phone that said be gentle
12:42
with your mother. It's her first time too.
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And it goes for your father too. First time too.
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We're all still learning and trying to stumble our way
12:49
through. So the mother wound does not
12:53
always look the way you expect it to.
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What do you think when you hear the mother wound?
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Yeah, you probably picture somebody very cold, very
13:03
critical, very absent. And those are absolutely traits
13:07
that create wounds, no doubt about it.
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But there's so many more nuances to it than that.
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Some of the deepest mother wounds come from women who were
13:17
genuinely loving and present and good moms by every external
13:23
measure. Remember, we've talked about the
13:26
Silent Generation and how they learned that love was by
13:29
providing all of the survival stuff, right?
13:32
Because they didn't know how to show up for the emotional
13:35
because no one had shown up for them.
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Same with the boomers. They had parents who didn't have
13:41
the emotional capacity to show up in that way because it wasn't
13:44
that important. I mean, think about the time
13:46
period we go from the, and I looked it up, the generation
13:49
before the Silent Generation was called the Great Generation.
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I think that was the actual name of it.
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And we had World War One and Spanish Flu and the Depression
13:58
and then World War 2, all of this crap.
14:01
It was literal survival mode. So emotions did not factor in
14:05
when you're trying to survive. So we're going to be gentle, OK,
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Good moms by every external measure.
14:14
Because that wound, it doesn't always live in what was actively
14:19
harmful. Some people, yes, it's formed by
14:21
things that were actively harmful.
14:24
And sometimes it lives in what was structurally missing, like
14:29
in that gap between the mother who was needed and the mother
14:32
who was available because they are not always the same thing.
14:37
And it can be the mother who loved deeply but was completely
14:40
dissolved into her partner. And this is very much old school
14:44
generations, although you see it still playing out.
14:47
If you were raised in a family with very traditional gender
14:50
roles. The I mean, think about a lot of
14:53
like religious based cultures. The the white, like the husband
14:57
is the head of the household and the wife is like, you know, she
15:01
she does what he says. That's not just a religious
15:03
thing. Sometimes it's just the way that
15:05
things are because that's what you learned.
15:09
So it's not always malicious. In fact, I would say it's
15:13
probably rarely malicious because she probably didn't even
15:16
realize it was happening. But her emotional energy, her
15:20
attention, her sense of self, it all flowed toward the marriage
15:24
1st. And you, excuse me, as the child
15:28
in that house, you weren't necessarily neglected in any
15:32
obvious way, but you learned something without a single word
15:35
being spoken. You learned and you may not
15:39
realize this. That's why I'm saying take a
15:40
step out of the situation and observe it like you're watching
15:44
a movie. You learned that love has a
15:46
hierarchy and that you were loved, just not first.
15:51
So that child grows up making themselves very easy.
15:56
And this is not always specific. Like mother ones don't only
15:59
impact women and girls, they impact boys and men.
16:04
So these dynamics can play out in either any gender.
16:09
So you if that's what you witnessed that dissolution of
16:14
self in your mother, then you may have grown up as the child
16:18
who makes themselves easy and doesn't ask for too much and
16:22
doesn't take up too much space. And maybe quietly and
16:25
persistently wonders why they keep ending up in second place
16:30
in their relationships and never quite connecting it back to that
16:34
original lesson. So if you've always felt like
16:36
you've kind of abdicated your sense of self or always
16:40
compromised your sense of self and what you want and what you
16:43
need in relationships, it may tie back to this if that's what
16:46
you witnessed as a child. So there's another layer to that
16:50
one. So a mother who dissolved into
16:53
her partner can't fully see because real presence requires a
16:57
self. You need to have your own
16:59
identity. So if, and again, this can be
17:03
any gender situation, I'm not even, I'm for the sake of all of
17:06
this, I'm just going to stick with she, he, husband, wife, all
17:09
of that. Apply it to your situation as
17:12
you need. If she was merged into him, then
17:16
she was never fully there, even when she was physically in the
17:20
same room. And you as a child felt that
17:23
absence. You just didn't have a name for
17:25
it. So then there's the mother whose
17:28
love may have felt like anxiety, like worry, like a weight that
17:34
you carried rather than a warmth that was there like a cocoon to
17:38
hold. You and her love probably showed
17:42
up as surveillance and as fear. And you absorb the message that
17:47
the world is dangerous and that loving someone means being
17:49
constantly afraid for them. So you learn to be afraid, too.
17:55
And you learn to scan. And you may have learned that
17:58
relaxing is irresponsible because if you relax, you're not
18:01
in hyper vigilant mode. And there's also the mother who
18:06
was emotionally immature. And again, no judgement with
18:10
that. But if you if she never learned
18:13
how to handle emotions in a mature way, which frankly most
18:17
adults haven't, then she may have needed you to be OK so that
18:22
she could be OK. This is where we're talking
18:24
about enmeshment, if you've heard of that.
18:27
And you may have needed to be, or she may have needed to be
18:32
someone who was managed and protected and soothed.
18:37
So then you became that manager, that protector, that soother, so
18:41
to speak, and you became a caretaker of the person who is
18:44
supposed to be taking care of you.
18:47
Does that resonate with anybody? Because that's a lot of people I
18:49
can think of. And you got very, very good at
18:53
reading the room and at knowing what someone needed before they
18:57
asked and at making yourself so useful that you could feel safe.
19:03
There's also the mother who was conditional, whose love felt
19:07
contingent on your performance or on your behavior, your
19:11
choices, your ability to make her proud or at least keep the
19:15
peace. These are a lot of, like middle
19:17
children fall into this a lot. The peacemakers, they keep the
19:20
balance, and you learn to earn it relentlessly, forever.
19:24
You learn that love is something you have to keep proving
19:27
yourself worthy of, or it goes away.
19:30
Hello, unworthy wound. And there's also the mother who
19:34
was physically present but emotionally elsewhere for a
19:38
variety of reasons. This would especially be if your
19:41
mother tended to fall into depressions.
19:45
So she's there in the house, just not really there.
19:49
And you may have learned to need less and to handle things
19:53
yourself. Be very, very hyper independent
19:56
and to be very low maintenance and to not be a burden and to
20:00
take up as little space as possible and be grateful for
20:03
whatever little bread crumbs came your way.
20:06
And all of these, every single one creates a child who learns
20:10
to give more than they receive and to shrink rather than
20:14
expand. Don't take up space.
20:17
And to hold space for everyone else while quietly starving for
20:20
someone to hold it for them. So whether you are a man, a
20:25
woman, or anywhere in between, does this sound familiar?
20:30
Because this is where you learn to be the open vessel that I
20:33
talked about in the very beginning.
20:36
So now we're going to go into the father wound because it
20:38
shapes something very different but equally foundational.
20:42
So your father was often the first experience of power, of
20:48
how authority behaves and of whether the world is actually
20:53
safe and of what it means to be in the presence of someone
20:57
bigger than you. And how that went, how safe or
21:00
unsafe that felt, got wired into your nervous system before you
21:03
had any words for it at all. And there's the volatile father,
21:10
the unpredictable one. If any of you have somebody like
21:13
that, that's a rough one. And because that's the father
21:16
who, whether or where his mood was when he walked through the
21:21
door, it sets the temperature for the entire house and
21:24
everyone kind of adjusts around it.
21:25
I've referenced the emotional weather.
21:27
You learn to read the emotional weather, so you learn to read
21:31
the energy of the room before you could even read a clock.
21:34
How crazy is that, right? And this is someone who has
21:38
acclimated to walking on egg shells.
21:41
This often ties back to whether it's the mother or the father.
21:44
When you had someone in that nurturing, supposedly nurturing
21:48
environment as a child, that was very volatile, and I don't want
21:52
to say unstable. Some people, there are actual
21:54
mental health conditions that create instability.
21:56
But some people, it's just their temperament where they're kind
21:59
of hot heads or like ball in a China shop or whatever.
22:02
But if you have that kind of unpredictable nature, especially
22:06
in your father, then you learn that love and threat can live in
22:10
the same person. And you learn that power is
22:14
something that you brace for. You learn to acclimate to
22:17
walking on egg shells until it becomes normalized.
22:20
And you learn that the way to survive is to stay small, stay
22:24
useful, stay invisible, stay one step ahead of where whatever is
22:27
coming next. And let me also say, when I say
22:30
to survive, I don't necessarily mean there was a threat of like
22:34
physical violence or anything like that.
22:35
There may have been, but there also may not have been.
22:38
So survival is also that whole mentality of like, go along to
22:42
or what is it? Get along to go along or go
22:44
along to get along, whatever. Whichever way it is, it's not
22:48
always about actual survival. It's as a child, you don't know
22:52
that. You just know for there to be
22:54
peace, I have to walk on egg shells.
22:57
So that way of moving through the world doesn't stay in
23:01
childhood, it follows you and it comes into every relationship
23:05
where any kind of power shows up.
23:07
This is especially true in romantic relationships and it
23:10
comes into every moment that asks you to relax and let your
23:13
guard down because that scanner that kept you quote UN quote
23:17
safe as a child doesn't know it's not needed anymore.
23:21
It it just keeps running like quietly and constantly and
23:25
exhaustingly. You may, if you have, if you
23:28
struggle with this one, whether you're aware of it or not, you
23:30
may have profound struggles with sleep and getting enough rest,
23:35
going to bed early enough, and you may be waking up in the
23:38
middle of the night. Because FYI, 2:00 to 3:00 in the
23:41
morning is typically when your nervous system tries to go
23:43
offline. But if you learned that your
23:45
nervous system needs to stay online, then you're going to jar
23:49
awake. Think of like a startle reflex
23:50
and a baby. You're going to wake up and
23:53
you're going to be like, why the hell is this?
23:55
Well, because your nervous system doesn't know or isn't
23:59
acclimated to what it's like to be soft and soothed and
24:02
sleeping. So then we have the absent
24:06
father, the one who is either physically gone or emotionally
24:09
gone, sometimes both at once. And you learned in a wordless
24:14
way that children learn the most important things because
24:17
frankly, you ask kids what you've said, they, they don't
24:21
remember, but they will remember the feelings.
24:23
There's a lot of loud traffic outside.
24:25
So sorry if that's picking being picked up by the mic.
24:28
And you would have learned in that parent who was physically
24:32
gone or emotionally gone that you weren't worth staying for.
24:37
And then you may spend your adult life trying to prove
24:40
otherwise. And that's another foundation of
24:43
that unworthy wound. You become extraordinary.
24:47
You become undeniable. You become someone that no one
24:51
could justify leaving and being devastated every time someone
24:55
leaves anyways, because you earned it, right?
25:00
So then there's the father who was loving but couldn't protect,
25:04
and he's the one whose love was real and present and still
25:08
somehow not enough to intervene when intervention was really
25:12
needed because he's carrying his own baggage.
25:17
And you learned that love and safety are not the same thing,
25:21
and that someone can genuinely love you and still fail you when
25:25
it counts, and that you cannot rely on love alone to keep you
25:30
safe. So you had better learn to keep
25:33
yourself safe because no one else is going to do it.
25:36
Hyper independence on this one and a huge difficulty leaning
25:41
into vulnerability. So then there is the
25:46
inconsistent father who's warm and wonderful one day, shut down
25:51
and withholding or just somewhere else entirely the
25:54
next. And I'm going to reiterate, if
25:57
any of these patterns tie into your mother and any of the
26:01
mother patterns tie into your father, just flip the roles.
26:04
The point is the pattern, it's not necessarily specific to the
26:08
gender of the parent. So that inconsistent one warm
26:13
and wonderful one day shut down and withholding or just
26:16
somewhere else entirely the next day.
26:19
So then you never know which version is walking in.
26:21
So then you become hyper vigilant.
26:23
This is another way that the egg shells show up and you get
26:26
super, super good at reading people and it's sensing all the
26:30
shifts before they happen and it bracing for withdrawal even in
26:34
the middle of warmth because you know from experience that that
26:39
warmth doesn't always last and it's not consistently there.
26:43
So then there's what happens when you layer these on top of
26:47
one another. Let's say you have a situation
26:50
where you have a more dominating father and a mother who is like
26:54
super devoted to him. So the child in that house
26:58
doesn't just carry 2 wounds. Those wounds literally compound
27:02
each other and you can mix and match any of these wounds.
27:06
So it's you, you can see them independently in each of your
27:10
parents, sometimes multiple in each parent, and then you pile
27:14
them. It's like piling them on top of
27:16
one another and you end up the child in the house and they end
27:23
up not carrying multiple, just the two wounds.
27:27
They end up carrying multiple wounds because of that
27:29
compounding. So with that one situation, we'd
27:32
like the more dominating parent, whichever gender, and the more
27:34
devoted parent. Then the message from the
27:38
dominant parent is that power is dangerous.
27:41
And the message from the devoted parent is you stay anyway.
27:47
You stay devoted, you stay loyal.
27:49
That's what love looks like. So what does that produce?
27:53
Well, it produced someone who mistakes intensity for passion
27:58
or someone for whom genuine steadiness might feel very
28:02
suspicious. It's like too quiet, too easy to
28:07
something that feels wrong if it feels this calm, or someone who
28:12
confuses familiar with right, or someone whose nervous system
28:16
reads the alarm as being alive and that quiet as a warning.
28:22
So I want to say this again because it matters so much.
28:25
Most of the parents creating these dynamics were not doing it
28:28
on purpose. They were passing down what was
28:30
passed to them. And the wounds are almost never
28:34
malicious. There are some crap people out
28:37
there, I've already said that, but most of the time it's not
28:40
malicious. They are playing out their own
28:42
patterns and then you're absorbing it like a sponge.
28:45
It's inherited, it is structural, it's architectural,
28:51
and it gets handed forward generation after generation
28:54
until someone in the line decides to stop and look at it
28:57
directly, which is exactly what you're doing right now.
29:01
And I'm going to say I'm proud of you because I know first hand
29:04
this work is not easy, especially it's not easy to do
29:09
it and suspend your judgement and your blame and your shame.
29:13
It's very easy to get sucked back into those dynamics.
29:16
And by the way, when you get sucked back into the judgement,
29:19
the shame, the blame, the anger, all of that, you're playing
29:23
right back into those patterns. So the difficult part is to stay
29:27
separate from it and just observe like you're watching
29:29
your life as a movie. And I'm telling you when you can
29:32
see especially your parents, your foundational family, and it
29:37
doesn't have to be parents like primary caregivers, siblings,
29:40
whatever, you can see this in anybody around you who is
29:44
crucial to forming who you are. You don't end up like it feels
29:50
disloyal at first. However, you're seeing the
29:54
person in their entirety, the full 360 instead of just the
29:57
180. And then I'm telling you that
30:01
well of compassion deepens until it's bottomless and you end up
30:08
really appreciating people because you see them clearly and
30:12
it doesn't always mean you know, you love them even more.
30:15
You you appreciate them as a full human being, not just the
30:20
one part. So all of these experiences, all
30:25
of them in every variation, whatever ones apply to you and
30:29
your life, they settle into your body as core wounds.
30:33
And they don't announce themselves.
30:34
They don't walk up and introduce themselves by name like hi, I'm
30:37
the asshole and lovable wound. How you doing?
30:40
They just quietly run the show behind the scenes.
30:44
Outdated programming that your system has never fully upgraded
30:48
because it didn't even realize upgrading was an option until
30:50
now. So everything I talked about
30:54
this past week, the unworthy wound.
30:55
That one that says that your value is contingent on what you
30:59
produce, what you give, how useful you make yourself to the
31:02
people around you. That you have to earn your
31:05
place, and that simply existing and being who you are is never
31:10
quite enough on its own. And then there's the unlovable
31:14
wound. My favorite, the one that says
31:17
that there is something fundamentally too much or not
31:21
enough or a variation of both. Sometimes it fluctuates back and
31:24
forth or just slightly off about you.
31:27
Something that means the real staying kind of love, the
31:31
choosing kind, the showing up kind, the consistent side kind,
31:35
not side is not available to you and it isn't there like it is
31:42
for other people. And I think I've referenced this
31:45
before, I remember saying to my very best friend who is my truth
31:52
teller, who is no holds barred. She does not just tell me what I
31:56
want to hear, she brings the truth hammer down and she does
32:00
it consistently. It's amazing.
32:01
You know who you are if you're listening.
32:04
Thank you, you're amazing. I remember saying to her many
32:08
years ago in total seriousness, wait, isn't love just a
32:13
destructive roller coaster of chaos and devastation?
32:17
And she looked at me like I had sprouted three extra heads and
32:20
was like, no, it's not. And I was genuinely baffled.
32:24
And I remember looking at her, 'cause she has an amazing
32:26
partner and they are an amazing relationship that has their ups
32:30
and downs and their challenges because they're human, but they
32:32
are a team. They are my relationship
32:35
aspiration. And I literally brought that
32:38
into therapy many years ago when I had to envision like, what
32:41
does a healthy relationship look like for me?
32:43
And I at the time, I was like, I have no freaking clue.
32:46
And then I thought, Oh my God, it's those two.
32:48
And I looked at her and I said, you found a Unicorn.
32:51
That's rare. And then I realized it's not
32:55
rare. I just didn't realize that I
32:56
deserved any of that. So that freaking unlovable
33:01
wound, you end up working harder and giving more and being, I
33:06
don't know, the vessel that doesn't have a bottom yet.
33:10
And you make yourself super easy to love, as super easy as
33:14
possible, and you are still surprised when people leave and
33:18
you're willing to gobble up the bread crumbs that people drop
33:22
because you've been starving for so long that bread crumbs feel
33:26
like you're full, but they're not.
33:29
And then there is the unsafe wound.
33:32
That was what I talked about on Friday and again Saturday night.
33:37
It actually just released a little while ago.
33:39
It's like 10:00 on Saturday night right now.
33:43
The unsafe wound ho this is the one that says that the world is
33:47
a place that you have to navigate very, very carefully.
33:50
And that vulnerability is a liability.
33:53
And it's a very long version of a four letter word.
33:58
And that letting someone fully in is a risk that you cannot
34:02
afford. And that the price of being
34:05
truly known and seen and understood is just being hurt.
34:10
And that price is way too high to even risk.
34:14
And those 3 wounds shape what you reach for and what you run
34:17
from. And they determine who feels
34:20
familiar and who feels threatening.
34:22
And they decide long before your conscious mind does any say in
34:25
the matter what love is supposed to look like.
34:27
They are deeply embedded in your subconscious.
34:29
And fun fact, your subconscious is actually operating and
34:34
controlling 95 to 97% of your actions.
34:37
Your thoughts, your behaviors, your beliefs, everything.
34:41
So when you're doing all the affirmations, they're great.
34:43
I'm not saying don't do them, but they're speaking to your
34:45
conscious mind, which is only handling 3 to 5% of everything.
34:50
So you're snorkeling on the surface when you're doing that.
34:53
And the key is to dig into all of these painful points, all
34:57
these trigger spots, all the things that piss you off, all
35:00
the people that piss you off. I'm going to challenge you.
35:03
Think of one person who pisses you off.
35:05
What is it that they do? Be very, very clear about it
35:08
because I'm sure you can name it, whether it's a phrase or
35:12
behavior or anything, and then pause.
35:14
Do you do that same thing or believe that same thing or act
35:18
that way in a different degree? Degree.
35:21
Not always the same, but that's why it pisses you off because
35:24
it's triggering something in you.
35:26
That shadow work. Carl Jung, look it up.
35:28
Go back and watch my or listen to my Duality series.
35:31
I go heavily into it. This is like the core of my
35:34
existence is diving into shadow work and turning on lights
35:37
inside of us in all those dark corners and all the places that
35:40
we don't like about ourselves that we shove deep down.
35:44
So this is where it gets super, super important because this is
35:48
the part that people don't often connect the dots.
35:51
And just as a side note, there's a huge difference and depth to
35:56
logically understanding it, seeing it, being able to rattle
35:59
off all the language, to talk about attachment styles and to
36:03
talk about things and read the books and do all the gratitude
36:08
journals and all of that. There's a huge difference
36:10
between knowing all of the info and actually embodying it and
36:16
actively making changes. That requires effort and
36:20
intention and patience and drive to actually make changes.
36:26
So think about which end of the spectrum are you on?
36:28
Because you can listen to all the episodes that you want, but
36:31
are you actually putting it into practice?
36:34
And I know many people that talk a good game.
36:37
They can talk about all the patterns, they can talk about
36:39
the wounding, they can see it all.
36:42
But then when it comes time to actually change it, they
36:45
struggle. And that's OK.
36:46
You're human, but recognize, are you swimming around on the
36:49
surface or are you deep diving? So you don't just carry these
36:55
adult, these wounds into adulthood.
36:58
That subconscious that's running 95 to 97% of everything is
37:04
replaying them constantly. And you are not aware of it
37:06
until you become aware of it. And it's not because you're
37:10
broken or weak or damaged or doomed to repeat the past
37:15
forever. And it drives me nuts.
37:18
This is just a personal irritation when people say
37:22
things like why do I keep attracting narcissists?
37:29
I hear that a lot. The better question, and the
37:32
accurate question is why do you keep choosing them?
37:36
You're not attracting them, you're picking them.
37:39
There's a reason your unconscious or subconscious
37:41
patterning and wounding is going to it because it's familiar.
37:46
And another little irritation thing.
37:48
Please, anyone who says this, you're making me feel this way,
37:51
please stop. Take ownership.
37:53
Your feelings are yours. No one makes you feel anyway, so
37:57
let's be grown-ups. That's just a little side note.
38:00
So your subconscious because of this wound is always trying to
38:05
finish something. So it's looking for a resolution
38:09
to the origin point, the origin story of that wound and the
38:13
subconscious mind. To the subconscious mind, that
38:17
resolution means a familiar dynamic with a different ending.
38:21
That's why you keep picking the same types of people.
38:23
So you find the person who hits that same frequency as the
38:26
wound, and you try again, because maybe this time I'll be
38:30
chosen. And this is not what you're
38:31
consciously thinking, but this is what is driving that vehicle.
38:35
Maybe I'll be chosen. Maybe I'll finally be enough.
38:38
Maybe I'll finally make the volatile person stable.
38:41
That's a big one. I can fix it.
38:44
That's the hero complex. Maybe I'll finally get somebody
38:47
to stay. Maybe this person will finally
38:50
love me. And it's not conscious.
38:54
You're not sitting down and deciding you'd like to recreate
38:56
your childhood. It happens below the surface in
39:00
that language of feeling and the pull and the chemistry and that
39:05
inexplicable sense that this person is somehow significant.
39:11
So what does this look like in real life?
39:14
Now, if you remember, a couple of weeks ago, I did an episode
39:18
about red flags and how we often overlook them or see them and
39:23
then choose to disregard them and kind of throw some green
39:26
paint on them. So if you meet someone of any
39:33
form, friend, romantic partner, whatever, and you're like Oh my
39:39
God there's a connection here. Red fucking flag.
39:43
Unless both people have actively done an intensive amount of
39:47
work, it's a red flag. Until it is proven to be green,
39:51
at bare minimum it needs to be a yellow flag.
39:53
Caution flag. OK, because someone who feels
39:57
that familiar is either mirroring back to you some
40:01
wounding or. If everyone's done their work,
40:05
they may also be mirroring back something that you like about
40:07
yourself. Like if you ever met somebody
40:09
and it's like, yes, high 5 awesome, that's a good thing.
40:13
If you meet someone, you're like, boom, this is crazy
40:15
chemistry. Hold up, just evaluate it.
40:18
I'm not saying, you know, run the other way, but slow the F
40:21
down and evaluate because it when when you come across these
40:28
familiar patterns, it looks like finding yourself in the same
40:32
relationship over and over again with someone who looks
40:35
completely different on the outside.
40:37
They have a different face, they have a different background,
40:40
different story, but somehow the same dynamic comes up.
40:44
It might be distance. It might be that same push pull
40:48
dynamic that you were used to. It might be the same walking on
40:51
egg shells. It might be that, well, this
40:54
person is all over and I can save them.
40:57
It might be that same moment that you feel like you almost
41:00
have them and then they're gone again, like you're constantly
41:03
chasing and it looks like being the one who gives more.
41:08
Are you the over giver? Do you over compensate?
41:11
Do you over compromise? Or are you the person who tries
41:15
harder or who makes yourself a little smaller so that there's
41:19
room for them? That was a big one for me in the
41:22
past. I'm, I take up space and I have
41:25
a sparkle. I actually have a, a thing in my
41:28
kitchen that says don't ever let anyone dull your sparkle.
41:31
Because I spent a lot of my life feeling too bold, too sparkly to
41:38
everything. And I could see when it would
41:40
make people uncomfortable and I didn't recognize that was their
41:43
own struggle with taking up space and living in their
41:47
sparkle. Because we all have a sparkle,
41:48
by the way, and mine just seems to radiate out.
41:52
So I would try to dull it down or cloak it or try to make it a
41:56
little bit less so that I didn't make other people uncomfortable.
41:58
But all that did was pin my wings down.
42:01
No longer, my friends, no longer.
42:04
So I wonder if you're doing that, if you're someone who
42:08
minimizes it down for everybody else's comfort.
42:11
That's the wounding speaking. And it it also can look like
42:16
being extraordinary, unbelievable at holding space
42:20
for everyone else, but you are quietly starving for someone to
42:25
hold it for you. Like, do you just feel like
42:28
you're carrying all the burdens and you would just love for
42:31
someone to take up some of them once in a while?
42:34
Yeah, that's the wounding. And it also looks like choosing
42:38
the person with potential over the person who is already
42:41
showing up. That was a big one for me too.
42:45
Because somewhere in your subconscious, love is a project.
42:50
Love is something you already, you build and you tend and you,
42:54
like, coax into existence. And if I nurture this person
42:58
just enough, they'll rise into their glory.
43:01
And the idea that love just arrives, like already assembled
43:05
and consistent ensure of itself. It doesn't quite compute, and it
43:10
feels too easy and like something must be wrong.
43:14
So if you were someone who has chronically chosen the projects
43:18
and the potential because you see that spark of them, but then
43:22
you see the spark, you see the potential, They show up, they
43:25
have a great conversation, they seem to be making all this
43:27
headway, but then they shrink back down or they disappear.
43:30
Whatever you fell for the potential, you're trying to fix
43:33
it. Notice the red flag?
43:36
And it also shows up as staying too long and giving the benefit
43:41
of the doubt past the point where the doubt should have run
43:44
out or the doubt really did run out and you're just, you got
43:48
your blinders on because it's like, if I put in more work,
43:51
it'll work. No, if it's if it's at that
43:54
point, the well is run dry, the well has just run dry because
43:58
you're believing in someone's capacity to change more than
44:01
they believe in it themselves. And you're holding this vision
44:08
of who this person could be. It's that potential thing so
44:11
clearly that you keep mistaking it for who they are.
44:14
Now know who someone shows up as consistently?
44:17
That's who they are. It doesn't matter what flickers
44:21
come up, it's who are they consistently.
44:25
And keep in mind, that doesn't mean that they aren't going to
44:28
screw up. Drop the ball, say something
44:31
asshole. Ish or not show up sometimes.
44:34
But if they are consistently showing up and consistently
44:37
being present, that's who they are.
44:39
If they're consistently inconsistent and disappearing
44:42
and not reaching out and not texting back and not making
44:46
plans and not reaching out to you, they're showing you who
44:48
they are. Doesn't matter if they show up
44:49
suddenly and it's like the freaking sun rises because then
44:54
they're gone and it's cold again.
44:56
And it also looks like being devastated not just by the loss
45:02
of the person, but by the loss of what you were so unbelievably
45:06
certain was possible. Because you could see it.
45:10
You could always see it. You could see what it could be,
45:14
and you just couldn't make them see it too.
45:18
And that gap between what you could see and what they were
45:21
willing to reach for, key phrase, willing to reach for
45:26
that is not a failure of your vision.
45:30
That's the subconscious pattern that is playing out, doing
45:33
exactly what it was designed to do.
45:36
It's putting you in proximity to potential and asking you to pour
45:40
yourself into it. That's that bottomless vessel,
45:45
and bottomless not in the same way that I was referencing that
45:48
bottomless well of compassion. That's in a healthy way.
45:51
But the bottomless vessel keeps pouring into potential, pouring
45:54
into potential, because someday it'll pay off.
45:57
But if you don't have a bottom on it, it's just pouring out
46:02
until you see it and until you name it and until you decide
46:07
that you're done finishing other people's unfinished business,
46:11
until you're done carrying the weight of people who are
46:14
choosing not to carry their own. Once you see it, you cannot
46:19
Unsee it. And I'll be honest, I've
46:21
experienced this. It makes it very easy to take a
46:25
step back and be like, I see you.
46:29
You got to do your own work. I've done mine.
46:32
But here's the thing about your nervous system that needs to be
46:36
talked about more. It's not looking for happiness
46:39
and it's not looking for health and it's not even looking for
46:42
love, not consciously. It's looking for what it
46:46
recognizes. It's looking for familiar that
46:50
feels like home and safe, Real, quiet, consistent safe can feel
46:57
like a threat. So familiar is that unconscious
47:01
patterning. That's why you're drawn to these
47:03
dynamics that don't have you feeling full and lit up and
47:08
passionate about life and excited about anything and like
47:12
the sun has started shining. It pulls you back into familiar
47:16
subconscious patterns that feel comfortable and feel familiar
47:23
and feel things that you know consciously are not awesome for
47:30
you, but you keep returning to so safe.
47:35
Not only does it feel like a threat doesn't feel it's, it's,
47:40
it's not just boring or flat or underwhelming.
47:42
It's like actively suspicious and it feels like a trap and
47:48
like the other shoe is about to drop.
47:50
And like if you let yourself relax into something, it's going
47:55
to go very, very wrong. Because in all of your
47:59
experience and in that subconscious programming,
48:01
nothing good has ever stayed good without a cost.
48:05
And again, this is not necessarily in your conscious
48:07
mind, but you may notice like I was very suspicious of anything.
48:12
And I remember looking at somebody once and being like,
48:14
what is your damage? Because I was like, what the
48:17
hell is this? Because it just felt easy and
48:21
easy felt just off. So your nervous system that grew
48:29
up inside of unpredictability, it doesn't experience steadiness
48:32
as relief. You can sit and say, I want
48:35
peace and I want stability and I want calm and I want flow and
48:41
ease. That's your logical mind.
48:43
That's not driving the car. Because when you actually get
48:47
those things, it'll feel good at first, but then it starts to
48:50
feel like a warning. Because calm was never safe.
48:54
And calm was that pause before the storm.
48:56
Calm was what happened right before you got blindsided.
49:00
Calm was what happened right before you started crunching the
49:03
egg shells. So when calm arrives, when
49:06
someone genuinely steady shows up, when nothing is wrong, and
49:11
when there's no alarm bells going off, your nervous system
49:14
doesn't exhale, it braces, and it starts scanning for the
49:19
catch. And then here's the crazy thing.
49:22
It starts manufacturing reasons that this cannot be real, that
49:26
this is not a good thing, and it finds the exits before it's even
49:30
decided if it wants to leave. Is any of this resonating for
49:34
you? Think about that while I grab a
49:36
little sip of my coffee and yes, I'm drinking straight
49:42
caffeinated black coffee at 10:20 at night.
49:46
I can drink it and then I will go right to sleep happily.
49:49
This is one of the perks of ADHD.
49:51
So here's the thing. When you walk away from
49:54
something that is real because it felt too quiet to trust,
49:59
that's when you don't realize the regret until after the fact.
50:05
Because the person who feels electric and urgent and a little
50:10
hard to pin down, that person is often not offering you something
50:14
new. And typically when we run, and
50:17
this was definitely my pattern in the past when we run from
50:19
someone who is that safe and that stable and that loving, I
50:23
remember I had somebody many, many years ago that showed up
50:29
consistently every time and like in the sweetest of ways, like
50:36
would write notes to me and then leave them in my mailbox, leave
50:41
them tucked under my windshield wipers.
50:43
Just being like, you know, I was out with my friends and it's
50:47
2:00 in the morning and I wanted to write you a little note
50:49
telling you how awesome I think you are and how happy I am that
50:54
you're in my life. And just, I mean, how mind
50:57
bogglingly sweet is that, right? And I would wake up and find
51:02
these and in that moment I was like, I feel so loved and
51:06
appreciated. But then shortly after, as I
51:09
started to lean into that, that vulnerability, that being seen,
51:12
that being supported and cared for and genuinely loved and the
51:16
most beautiful, innocent, honest, real way scared the shit
51:24
out of me. I didn't realize it scared me.
51:26
I was just let my, I remember my mindset being like, this is
51:30
insane. This cannot be real and I can't
51:32
trust it because if I trust it, it's going to blow up in my face
51:36
and then I'm going to splat on the floor.
51:38
So I'm going to stay always 2 steps ahead.
51:40
I was like in one of those movies, I can't think of a
51:44
single one right now, but one of those movies where the person is
51:47
constantly on the run, staying ahead of everybody.
51:50
That was me for the bulk of my life, and I would constantly
51:55
gravitate away from anyone who felt like that toward the people
52:00
who felt electric and that intensity.
52:05
That's why I said love is a destructive roller coaster of
52:08
chaos and devastation because that's truly what my
52:12
subconscious was like. No, this is good because this is
52:15
what keeps your nervous system active and running and fireworks
52:18
and sparks and you're never quite sure and it's validating
52:21
all of those wounds. But that person with all like
52:25
the different faces, because I same freaking pattern over and
52:29
over all the different faces was not offering me anything new.
52:32
They were offering me something that I recognized and again, not
52:37
consciously, but they hit the frequency that my system was
52:41
comfortable with and that read as chemistry and as connection.
52:46
And as here is the stupidest phrase, and this is just my
52:51
opinion, but as the one right, this is my soul mate, this is my
52:57
person, this is my insert words, whatever they are.
53:02
Some dreamy freaking starry eyed the universe meant it to be
53:08
because I was so caught up in that wounding that was being
53:11
played out because those people mirrored my wounding back.
53:14
So it was like this vicious back and forth cycle of what
53:18
ultimately was actually toxic wounding, playing into another
53:22
person's toxic wounding, back and forth, back and forth.
53:25
Not that anybody. I mean, again, you've heard me
53:27
talk about I had a couple of really, really total shit whole
53:29
human beings, but everybody else, good people, but stuck in
53:34
their own wounding. And mine played into theirs.
53:36
Theirs played into mine. And then round and round we went
53:38
until the whole freaking relationship ended up like a
53:41
roller coaster that ended in devastation and destruction
53:45
because it had been all chaos. And it sucks because really good
53:49
people. And this is what keeps playing
53:52
out until you see it. But the people who are steady
53:56
and available and consistent and who do what they say they're
54:01
going to do, when they say they're going to do it, and who
54:03
show up every time, and whose actions show up, not the words.
54:09
There's a lot of people out there who say all the good
54:11
stuff. They say all the pretty words
54:13
and have zero follow through on it.
54:15
And when you're in your wounding, you get caught in the
54:18
words and the pretty, pretty picture instead of are they
54:21
doing it? The answer is no.
54:24
That's your wounding playing into it.
54:25
Step the hell out of there. So the people who do show up
54:29
every time and who are open and honest, they feel suspicious and
54:35
your detective radar goes up because something must be wrong
54:40
with them or wrong with you for not feeling more or for
54:44
questioning everything because nothing is being activated.
54:47
That wound isn't being poked. The familiar alarm isn't going
54:50
off. And people are never this
54:52
honest, right? People are never this direct.
54:56
Well, that's the wounding coming up.
54:58
So you mistake those alarm bells for being alive and you mistake
55:03
calm for danger. And this is one of the most
55:07
disorienting parts of actually healing because as you start to
55:11
get, I don't like to use this word, but the one that's coming
55:15
to mind is, well, as you start to feel more integrated and
55:20
whole and healing, your taste changes.
55:24
So what used to feel like passion starts to feel like
55:27
chaos. And you can identify, you'll get
55:30
that little intuitive hit of like.
55:33
And for me, I feel it viscerally.
55:35
I feel it with my senses. And it feels like hitting the
55:37
wrong note on a guitar or on a piano or like nails down a
55:41
chalkboard. And I literally will cock my
55:44
head to the side and my face kind of scrunches up, like when
55:47
you hear that wrong note. And it's like, oh, no, no, no,
55:50
no, no. And now I literally will.
55:52
I can't control that expression. And I will literally go say out
55:55
loud, oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's a hard pass.
55:58
Thank you very much. And what used to feel like
56:03
nothing starts to feel like peace.
56:07
And for a while, you're like living in this in between place
56:11
where the old thing doesn't feel right anymore, but the new thing
56:15
still feels like a risk that you're not sure that you can
56:18
afford to take, but you're not unsure that it's not worth it.
56:22
That was a lot of knots. So SAFE doesn't announce itself.
56:27
It doesn't come with fireworks, it just shows up in the same way
56:31
again and again until you finally, finally let yourself
56:35
believe it's not a set up safe. I will tell you a huge
56:39
indicator, your nervous system. When it feels safe, you will
56:43
feel like you can take a deep breath.
56:46
When I first recognized feeling safe, it felt like I had and I
56:51
described this to my therapist. She asked me if I could describe
56:56
the feeling because I get when I, when I can't find the words,
56:59
which often I struggle with it, I describe the feeling of it or
57:04
the picture that I get and that can help me kind of process it.
57:08
So I said the feeling I had was like I was wearing a, a really
57:13
tight corset that I didn't even know I had on and that is that
57:16
breathing super small and shallow by the way.
57:19
And it felt like the corset just popped off and all the sudden I
57:22
just went and in my head, it's like the static noise, like, you
57:31
know, when you turn on the TV. And not that we do this anymore
57:35
because we use streaming services for everything.
57:37
But if you go to like a random channel that doesn't have any
57:40
kind of reception and it's the white noise channel or the snow
57:43
channel and that like sound, that's what my system felt like.
57:49
And I didn't realize it until all the sudden it turned off and
57:53
it got eerily quiet. Like I will say it was very
57:56
eerie. And I thought, what the hell is
58:00
happening right now? And then in my head it was like
58:05
hearing a computer voice going system deactivated and the whole
58:10
system just shut down. And now I actually, I do this
58:13
work with people, it's craniosacral therapy where when
58:16
they haven't learned to deactivate their nervous
58:18
systems, I will physically, manually do this technique that
58:22
I traveled to North Carolina to learn through the Up Ledger
58:25
Institute, by the way, amazing place.
58:29
And I will turn their systems off.
58:31
And it's startling when you haven't felt it and it's
58:34
soothing when that's all it needs.
58:36
And even if it's just for a little bit of time, people get
58:39
to know what safe and calm feels like.
58:42
So it feels like a sigh. I wrote a whole poem about it.
58:45
It feels like a sigh. So that's just the beginning,
58:51
OK? Because safe feeling dangerous
58:55
opens a door to three more wounds.
58:57
And that is what I'm leading into this week.
58:59
So consider this like your Easter eggs for the coming week,
59:03
I'm going to go into the trapped wound.
59:05
Feeling trapped or stuck where unfamiliar feels so dangerous
59:09
that leaning in feels like a life sentence.
59:12
So when safe feels unfamiliar, it feels flat out dangerous and
59:17
like a cage. So instead of staying with
59:19
something that could actually be good your run, I've watched
59:23
people legitimately bolt the other way and be like ah peace
59:28
out. Very Roadrunner like.
59:31
And it's not because you don't want to feel safe, but it's
59:34
because wanting it and simultaneously not being able to
59:38
control the outcome feels so much more terrifying than just
59:42
leaving first. Yep.
59:45
Then I'm going to go into the defective core wound.
59:47
And that is the there is something wrong with me.
59:51
And that is where you're so convinced that something is
59:53
fundamentally broken in you, that vulnerability starts to
59:57
feel like handing someone a weapon.
1:00:00
Because if you open up, if you dare to open up and you're
1:00:03
honest about your fears. And if you let someone see the
1:00:07
full picture of who you are, they're going to find the thing
1:00:11
that confirms what you have always suspected about yourself,
1:00:15
that you're too much, or you're not enough, or just
1:00:18
fundamentally, irreparably wrong in some way that you maybe don't
1:00:23
have a name for, but you can always feel it.
1:00:26
And what if? What if you open up to somebody
1:00:30
and they find the words for it? Well, here's the flip side.
1:00:34
What if you open up and they love you for everything that's
1:00:38
in there, including the stuff that you feel is broken and they
1:00:41
see it as beautiful because it's part of you.
1:00:44
That is actually making me think.
1:00:46
I remember you always hear the phrase like I love you in spite
1:00:49
of XYZ. No, my friends, that's not
1:00:53
actually loving someone for all of them.
1:00:55
You love them because of their flaws.
1:00:58
And I hate even using that word. I prefer to say your challenges.
1:01:01
We have our challenges. We have the things that are our
1:01:03
struggles to overcome or to work with or in to integrate.
1:01:07
So you love someone because they struggle with things because
1:01:11
that is human and that's seeing them fully, not in spite of the
1:01:15
things they struggle with. And then Friday we're going to
1:01:21
go into the bad wound and the bad wound is not the opposite of
1:01:26
it is not good. It actually shows up as guilt.
1:01:28
It is where guilt shows up for every single direction you could
1:01:33
possibly move so you feel guilty for running.
1:01:38
You feel guilty. For staying when it doesn't feel
1:01:40
right. You feel guilty for making a
1:01:42
decision, and you feel guilty for not making a decision.
1:01:47
And it shows up as indecision, as avoidance, as choosing
1:01:50
everyone else's comfort over your own truth.
1:01:53
Because what's the alternative? Actually choosing yourself.
1:01:56
That feels like the most selfish and dangerous thing that you
1:01:59
could possibly do. So we.
1:02:03
Are going to be in. All of these this week, Monday,
1:02:06
Wednesday, Friday. So stay close TuneIn, like
1:02:11
share, subscribe, do the whole thing, especially subscribe and
1:02:14
turn on that little notification bell thing again, all that stuff
1:02:18
is more than anything helpful to get my channel out to more
1:02:21
people because YouTube and the algorithm and all that stuff,
1:02:23
I'm still learning it. I'm just frankly enjoying
1:02:27
sharing all this stuff and talking about it because it's
1:02:29
been so unbelievably transformative for me.
1:02:33
And I've learned what I always knew is that it doesn't have to
1:02:37
be so hard. And the more that you look at
1:02:40
this stuff, it gets so much easier to just exist and live
1:02:44
and love and enjoy life and be excited about things and be
1:02:48
creative and connect with people.
1:02:52
So I want you to come back for you, not for me.
1:02:56
OK, so before I let you go, I want to finish up.
1:03:01
At the very beginning, I was talking about that download I
1:03:03
had about having been the open vessel for everybody else in the
1:03:06
Catalyst and the Activator for others, and then truly being
1:03:11
inspired by people that have shown up as activators for me.
1:03:15
And there's more to there's the closing part of that story.
1:03:18
So I'm going to tell you about the boat because Thursday
1:03:23
morning after that whole download about the vessel and
1:03:25
the open bottom and the pattern that I've been running for so
1:03:28
long, like way longer than I wanted to admit, but I had to
1:03:33
look at it. This image popped into my head
1:03:35
because again, I'm very, very visual.
1:03:37
And it was so precisely right that I felt it in my body before
1:03:44
I fully understood it in my mind.
1:03:45
So I spent a chunk of that dark time in the morning sitting
1:03:50
literally sitting in the dark on my couch with my fresh cup of
1:03:52
coffee, no laptop open, no work to be done, no kids up, nothing.
1:03:58
And just being like, what is this?
1:04:01
And this picture popped up and here's what I realized.
1:04:06
I've been doing so. I have felt for so long like I'm
1:04:10
floating in a boat out in the middle of the ocean by myself
1:04:14
feeling very lost and adrift and alone, like very, very alone.
1:04:19
And what would happen is somebody would come paddling up
1:04:23
to the side of my boat. And this is, I'm tying this into
1:04:26
predominantly romantic relationships.
1:04:29
It's like somebody, the visual, this is not literal.
1:04:32
That would be super weird if they did this.
1:04:34
So I'm floating in my boat, feeling alone and adrift, and
1:04:37
someone would come like paddling up to the side of my boat,
1:04:40
frantic, struggling, water all around them, having a hard time
1:04:44
with things. And this is metaphorical, so
1:04:46
stay with me. And what I would do is I would
1:04:50
lean over the edge of the boat and I would haul them in every
1:04:53
time. Because that's what you do when
1:04:55
someone's struggling, right? You help, you reach out, you
1:04:59
give, you do what you can to show up for them.
1:05:02
Except here's the thing, they weren't drowning.
1:05:06
And fun little factoid in everything spiritual and
1:05:11
metaphysical. And in the tarot, the cup suit
1:05:15
or the water, the water suit, anything having to do with water
1:05:18
is indicative of emotions. So in this metaphor, I'm sitting
1:05:23
in a boat in my container and this person is drowning in
1:05:27
emotions and stuff. Again, this is all like not
1:05:29
happening on a conscious level and I'm reaching over, yanking
1:05:32
them up, but they're not drowning.
1:05:34
They were choosing to paddle around in the water, and I kept
1:05:37
hauling them in anyways. And I would hold them through
1:05:41
those first terrifying moments of being out of it.
1:05:45
And I would be the soft, safe place.
1:05:47
And I would let them feel this sun.
1:05:50
And I would give them a safe boat to chill out in and get a
1:05:54
reprieve from being in all of that stuff.
1:05:58
And I would show them what it felt like to float instead of
1:06:01
fighting. And then they would revel in it
1:06:05
for a little bit. And they would, they would love
1:06:07
it. They would feel really good and
1:06:09
comfortable. And I would be thriving on it
1:06:11
because like, I'm nurturing, I'm taking care of somebody, I'm
1:06:14
being there. But then they'd look back at the
1:06:18
water and they would start to miss the struggle because why?
1:06:22
Because the wounding and they're not aware of it, but that water
1:06:26
would feel more comfortable than the safety of that boat.
1:06:29
So what would they do? They would fall on, jump back
1:06:32
into the water, into the shark infested waters, into that
1:06:35
struggle because that's the comfort zone.
1:06:39
That's that familiar and I'd be left in the boat feeling.
1:06:43
Much smaller than. Before they'd arrived, trying to
1:06:46
figure out what had I done wrong.
1:06:49
That's the story that I had been telling myself, that I was
1:06:53
adrift, alone in this boat, waiting for someone to come join
1:06:58
me. And the loneliness of it felt
1:07:01
like evidence. It felt like evidence that I was
1:07:05
fundamentally, and this is a word I'm making up, unjoinable,
1:07:10
and that there was something about me that meant people came
1:07:13
and looked and then they chose to go back into the water
1:07:15
instead. And then what?
1:07:19
I could not see before this Thursday morning when the
1:07:23
difference between a drift and floating came in.
1:07:27
So as I sat with it, I was like. Hold up, let me.
1:07:30
Reframe this. Have I actually been adrift in a
1:07:34
boat? No.
1:07:34
I've been working my ass off to build that goddamn boat and I've
1:07:39
been sitting in it. I'm not adrift.
1:07:42
I'm like a drift is like being at the mercy of currents that
1:07:47
you have no control over. But floating, my friends,
1:07:50
Floating is leaning back, reclining in this boat, the sun
1:07:55
on your face, eyes closed, my body being held by something
1:07:59
bigger than me. Floating is arriving.
1:08:03
And I wasn't adrift alone. I was.
1:08:07
I had done the work and I had built the boat and I've been
1:08:11
chilling out in it, enjoying myself.
1:08:14
And I had been floating in the sun, calling it a drift, because
1:08:19
I was alone. And I had confused solitude with
1:08:23
abandonment, and I had confused the absence of someone beside me
1:08:28
with being somewhere wrong. But here's the thing that I
1:08:32
realized as I'm sitting there. And this is literally everything
1:08:35
that is like floating through my head floating.
1:08:37
Get it? The boat was never broken and I
1:08:41
I just hadn't stopped hauling people in long enough to notice
1:08:44
that I was already somewhere worth being.
1:08:47
And I was really content floating in solitude in my boat,
1:08:52
enjoying the sun. So here is the image I want to
1:08:57
leave you with tonight. You are in a boat and the sun is
1:09:01
on your face and your eyes are closed and there is a smile that
1:09:05
has nothing to do with who is or isn't beside you.
1:09:09
It exists because of where you are, what you've built, how far
1:09:13
you've come, and this very simple radical fact that you are
1:09:18
no longer in the water. You're floating on top of it.
1:09:23
The boat is yours. You built that damn thing and
1:09:25
you know how it moves, and the water around it is emotion.
1:09:30
It's not yours alone, but this great collective sea of human
1:09:33
feeling. And you are not in it.
1:09:35
You are on top of it, floating and held in the boat of your own
1:09:39
making. And if someone is going to join
1:09:42
you there, there's only one version of that that you're
1:09:45
available for. Now, once you are safely in that
1:09:48
boat that you worked your ass off to build, they pull up
1:09:51
alongside you in their own boat, hole seaworthy, capable of
1:09:56
floating under their own powered, and you tether
1:09:58
together. So two people who each know how
1:10:02
to stay above the water, choosing each other not because
1:10:05
either one is drowning, but because the company is genuinely
1:10:08
wanted. Or here's the second option,
1:10:12
they swim up on their own, under their own strength, and pull
1:10:15
themselves in, not hauled, not rescued, arriving of their own
1:10:20
volition and their own choice. So those are the terms now.
1:10:25
Not because you've closed yourself.
1:10:26
Off, and not because love is too costly or connection is too
1:10:29
dangerous, but it is because you finally understand that the
1:10:34
version of you who throws that rope or that I'm getting the
1:10:37
image of like that Coast Guard buoy thing to everyone who is
1:10:41
struggling in the water isn't actually helping anyone.
1:10:45
That person, that version of you, is just exhausted.
1:10:48
That version of me, she was just exhausted.
1:10:52
And the people that you rescue more often than not are going to
1:10:56
miss the water. So remember, you are not a
1:11:00
lifeguard. You or someone floating in the
1:11:03
sun in your own boat, face turned up, smiling and waiting
1:11:07
to see who shows up, already knowing how to swim.
1:11:12
Because that vessel that we talked about in the very
1:11:14
beginning that was bottomless and that had everything pouring
1:11:17
through, that vessel has a closed and forged shut bottom
1:11:22
now. It's not sealed.
1:11:24
It's not armored. It's not shut.
1:11:26
Against being known or loved, or like completely undone by
1:11:30
someone who earns it. It's just closed enough to hold
1:11:35
what is yours. Mine has closed enough that it
1:11:38
holds what is mine, and it is intact enough to be worth
1:11:42
arriving to. So just sit with that.
1:11:46
I'm going to. See if there's a way that I can.
1:11:48
Upload the picture of that card because that whole, the whole
1:11:53
sequence of the last month and that vessel card kicking it off
1:11:58
has been so unbelievably, amazingly profound.
1:12:02
And keep in mind, this vessel metaphor is not just about
1:12:05
romantic relationships. I realized literally carrying
1:12:09
children, I was the vessel for my children.
1:12:12
And while I was the vessel to carry them, to bring them into
1:12:16
the world and to nurture them and everything, now that they
1:12:18
are in their teen years, that shape of that vessel is
1:12:21
changing. And I am the vessel for my
1:12:24
family and my siblings and my parents.
1:12:27
And it's learning how to hold that bottom instead of letting
1:12:31
everything pour through it. So I am very excited for every
1:12:37
episode this coming week. So as always, Monday, Wednesday,
1:12:40
Friday morning at 6:00 AM, the be real not nice getting into
1:12:43
three more core wounds in the generation patterns.
1:12:46
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday at 9:00 PM is light in the dark.
1:12:50
So each of those episodes is going to be tied to the wound
1:12:52
that came up the day before. And then next Sunday, have
1:12:56
another deep dive. I don't know what the hell I'm
1:12:58
going to do. I'm going to see what the week
1:12:59
turns into at some point. I'm going to do some interviews.
1:13:02
Quinn's going to come back and do another one.
1:13:05
And I'm thinking at some point down the road I'm going to do a
1:13:07
live with the video on, which I have not done, and I've been
1:13:12
leery of doing it, but I'm feeling like that might be
1:13:14
interesting. And I would really love to
1:13:16
actually interact with people. So if that's of interest, let me
1:13:20
know. And in the meantime, I hope that
1:13:24
you have the most wonderful Sunday.
1:13:27
It's supposed to get warmer here, thank God.
1:13:30
And I will be back Monday morning for some more wounding,
1:13:34
not to cause it, but to help heal it.
1:13:36
Thank you. Have a wonderful day.