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The Psychology of Prudence: Knowing What Not to Do · Create Love Create Freedom

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Create Love, Create Freedom Podcast.
0:06
SPEAKER_00: This podcast explores feminine psychology, embodiment, sovereignty, archetypes, and conscious womanhood in a post-spectacle world.
0:18
SPEAKER_00: My name is Alison Fisher, and my work centers on internal authority and relational clarity across the seasons of a woman's life.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: As you listen, there's nothing you need to force here.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: We're simply noticing what is already present in our lives and allowing clarity to unfold over time.
0:43
SPEAKER_00: On today's episode, we are going to be discussing the psychology of prudence and why mature power is expressed as much through restraint as through action and how not everything you can do should be done.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: There is a particular kind of advice we hear constantly.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: Take the leap, say the thing, send the message, leave the relationship, start the business.
1:15
SPEAKER_00: Take the opportunity, trust yourself, stop overthinking, do something.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that is exactly the advice we need.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: There are seasons of our lives when fear has kept us standing still for far too long, when we know what we want, when we know what needs to happen, and what we actually need is the courage to move.
1:45
SPEAKER_00: But I think there comes another stage of development when the question becomes more complicated, because eventually you become capable of doing quite a lot.
1:57
SPEAKER_00: You can speak, you can leave, you can confront, you can build, you can make the decision, you can take the risk, you can walk through the door, you can say no, you can say yes, you have agency now.
2:14
SPEAKER_00: And that's when another kind of wisdom becomes necessary.
2:19
SPEAKER_00: Just because I can do something doesn't mean I should.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: I think that this is where prudence enters, and prudence isn't a word we use very often anymore.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it sounds old-fashioned, cautious, conservative, almost timid.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: But that's not how I understand prudence.
2:42
SPEAKER_00: To me, prudence is power that has learned how to govern itself.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: It is the capacity to pause long enough to consider what I am actually responding to?
2:56
SPEAKER_00: What do I know?
2:58
SPEAKER_00: What don't I know?
3:00
SPEAKER_00: What happens if I act?
3:02
SPEAKER_00: What happens if I wait?
3:04
SPEAKER_00: What might this cost?
3:07
SPEAKER_00: What might this create?
3:09
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps most importantly, does this actually require anything from me?
3:16
SPEAKER_00: Because not everything does.
3:18
SPEAKER_00: Not every criticism requires a response.
3:22
SPEAKER_00: Not every opportunity requires a yes.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: Not every conflict requires confrontation.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: Not every feeling requires expression.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: Not every possibility requires pursuit.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: Not every open door requires walking through it.
3:42
SPEAKER_00: And not every problem that you are capable of solving belongs to you.
3:48
SPEAKER_00: I think this becomes increasingly important as a woman becomes more powerful.
3:54
SPEAKER_00: Because when you have very little agency, the developmental task may be learning that you can act, but you can also say no.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: You can leave, you can ask for more, you can protect yourself, you can pursue what you want, you can change your life.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: But once you know all of that, the next developmental task may be learning that you don't have to exercise that power every time it becomes available.
4:28
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the strongest move is not is not making one.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the wisest answer is not yet.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's I need more information.
4:41
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes this matters, but I don't need to address it while I'm angry.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes this simply does not deserve my participation.
4:52
SPEAKER_00: That isn't passivity, it isn't fear, it isn't allowing life to happen to you.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: It is something much more deliberate.
5:02
SPEAKER_00: Restraint chosen from a position of agency.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: And I think that's the distinction that matters, because silence can come from fear, or silence can come from wisdom.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: Waiting can be avoidance, or waiting can be judgment.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: Walking away can be cowardice, or walking away can be the clearest recognition that there is nothing here worth fighting for.
5:31
SPEAKER_00: The behavior alone doesn't tell us which one it is.
5:35
SPEAKER_00: We have to understand what is governing the behavior.
5:40
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps that's why prudence is such an important capacity after sovereignty.
5:47
SPEAKER_00: Sovereignty teaches us I have the authority to act.
5:52
SPEAKER_00: Prudence asks, and now that you possess that authority, how will you decide when to use it?
6:00
SPEAKER_00: Because mature power isn't simply knowing that you can make a move.
6:05
SPEAKER_00: It's developing enough judgment to recognize when the wisest move is the one you choose not to make.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: Let's begin.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: First we are going to look at how action is not the same as agency.
6:26
SPEAKER_00: I think one of the easiest mistakes to make when we begin developing a stronger sense of personal power is assuming that action itself is evidence of agency.
6:40
SPEAKER_00: I did something, I spoke up, I confronted them, I made the decision, I walked away, I sent the message, I took control of the situation.
6:53
SPEAKER_00: Therefore I was acting from a place of power.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: But I'm not sure that's always true, because sometimes action is simply reactivity with better branding.
7:06
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we act because we cannot tolerate the discomfort of not acting.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: Something happens and immediately we want to respond.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: Someone says something that irritates us and we want to correct them.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: Someone misunderstands us and we want to explain ourselves.
7:26
SPEAKER_00: A relationship becomes uncertain and we want an answer.
7:30
SPEAKER_00: An opportunity appears and we feel as though we have to decide immediately.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: Something feels wrong and we want to fix it.
7:40
SPEAKER_00: And underneath all that activity there can sometimes be something much less sovereign.
7:47
SPEAKER_00: I need this feeling to go away.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: I need to resolve the uncertainty.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: I need to know where I stand.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: I need them to understand me.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: I need to regain control.
8:01
SPEAKER_00: I need to do something so that I no longer have to sit inside the discomfort of not knowing what happens next.
8:10
SPEAKER_00: And I think this is where action and agency begin to separate.
8:16
SPEAKER_00: Because agency isn't simply I can act.
8:20
SPEAKER_00: Agency also includes I can choose whether action is necessary.
8:27
SPEAKER_00: That's a much more sophisticated form of power.
8:31
SPEAKER_00: I can receive the message and not immediately respond.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: I can hear criticism and decide whether there is anything useful inside it.
8:41
SPEAKER_00: I can be misunderstood without launching an immediate campaign to correct someone's perception of me.
8:49
SPEAKER_00: I can encounter an opportunity and take enough time to determine whether I actually want it.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: I can experience conflict without needing to resolve it before I go to sleep.
9:02
SPEAKER_00: I can have a strong emotional reaction and recognize this feeling is real, but it does not automatically get to make the decision.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean emotions are irrelevant.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: Quite the opposite.
9:18
SPEAKER_00: Our emotions contain information.
9:21
SPEAKER_00: Anger may tell me that something important to me has been violated.
9:26
SPEAKER_00: Fear may tell me that something feels dangerous.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: Excitement may tell me that something is deeply desired.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: Grief may tell me what I value.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: But information and instruction are not the same thing.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: A feeling can tell me something without telling me what to do.
9:47
SPEAKER_00: And I think prudence creates space between those two things.
9:51
SPEAKER_00: Something happens.
9:53
SPEAKER_00: I feel something, and before I convert that feeling into behavior, I create enough space to ask, what is actually happening here?
10:02
SPEAKER_00: What am I reacting to?
10:05
SPEAKER_00: What do I know?
10:07
SPEAKER_00: What am I assuming?
10:09
SPEAKER_00: Is something truly urgent, or do I simply feel urgency?
10:15
SPEAKER_00: Those are very different things.
10:18
SPEAKER_00: And I think urgency is particularly interesting because urgency can feel so convincing.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: It can tell us do it now, respond now, decide now, fix this now.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: But many things that feel urgent aren't actually important.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: And many things that are profoundly important don't require an immediate response.
10:44
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes twenty four hours changes everything.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: You sleep, you regulate, you gather more information, you hear another perspective.
10:54
SPEAKER_00: Something you thought required confrontation suddenly looks trivial.
10:59
SPEAKER_00: Or something you were tempted to dismiss becomes more important once you've had time to think.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: Restraint allows reality to reveal more of itself.
11:11
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps that's one reason prudence becomes increasingly important as our power grows.
11:19
SPEAKER_00: Because the more capable we become, the easier it is to act on our first interpretation.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: If I know how to leave, I can leave quickly.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: If I know how to confront, I can confront effectively.
11:36
SPEAKER_00: If I have money, I can make the purchase.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: If I have authority, I can make the decision.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: If I have a platform, I can say the thing publicly.
11:47
SPEAKER_00: If I have options, I can immediately choose another one.
11:52
SPEAKER_00: But capability doesn't guarantee wisdom.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: Sometiming more power simply allows us to make our impulsive decisions more efficiently, and that isn't sovereignty.
12:06
SPEAKER_00: Sovereignty isn't being ruled by other people, but it also isn't being ruled by every impulse that arises inside us.
12:16
SPEAKER_00: There is something deeper self government.
12:19
SPEAKER_00: Can I experience anger without immediately becoming the instrument, or its instrument?
12:26
SPEAKER_00: Can I experience fear without automatically retreating?
12:31
SPEAKER_00: Can I experience desire without assuming that what I want in this moment is necessarily what I want for my life?
12:41
SPEAKER_00: Can I tolerate uncertainty long enough for judgment to emerge?
12:47
SPEAKER_00: I think that's where agency becomes something much richer than just simply action.
12:53
SPEAKER_00: Agency means I have options.
12:56
SPEAKER_00: I can act, I can wait, I can gather information, I can change my mind.
13:02
SPEAKER_00: I can decide that something doesn't deserve a response.
13:06
SPEAKER_00: And yes, sometimes I can act immediately, because prudence isn't slowness for the sake of slowness.
13:14
SPEAKER_00: There are moments when waiting is the wrong decision.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: There are moments when something needs to be said now, when the boundary needs to be drawn, when the opportunity needs to be taken, when the door is closing, when courage requires movement.
13:33
SPEAKER_00: But the difference is that I am not acting simply because action relieves my discomfort.
13:40
SPEAKER_00: I am acting because, as best as I can determine, action is what the situation requires.
13:48
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps that's one of the clearest signs that personal power is maturing.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: You no longer need to prove your agency by constantly exercising it.
13:59
SPEAKER_00: You know you can act, which means you can also wait.
14:04
SPEAKER_00: You can watch, you can think, you can allow something to remain unresolved.
14:10
SPEAKER_00: You can let someone misunderstand you.
14:14
SPEAKER_00: You can allow the answer to be I don't know yet.
14:18
SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the most sovereign thing you can do is tolerate the discomfort of not knowing what to do until you actually do.
14:31
SPEAKER_00: Next we're going to examine how prudence understands consequence.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: I think one of the things that changes as we mature is that we begin to understand that a decision doesn't end when we make it.
14:47
SPEAKER_00: A decision creates something.
14:50
SPEAKER_00: It creates a consequence, an obligation, a direction, sometimes a cost, sometimes an opportunity, sometimes an entire chain of events that didn't exist before we acted.
15:05
SPEAKER_00: And I think prudence is partly the capacity to see beyond the immediate decision and ask, and then what?
15:14
SPEAKER_00: If I say yes to this, what happens next?
15:18
SPEAKER_00: If I say no, what does that close?
15:22
SPEAKER_00: If I send this message, what conversation am I beginning?
15:28
SPEAKER_00: If I take this opportunity, what will it require from me six months from now?
15:35
SPEAKER_00: If I spend this money, what will I no longer be able to do with it?
15:41
SPEAKER_00: If I end this relationship, what am I actually ending?
15:46
SPEAKER_00: If I stay, what am I agreeing to continue?
15:50
SPEAKER_00: If I say this publicly, am I willing to live with those words after the emotion that produced them has passed?
15:59
SPEAKER_00: This isn't about trying to predict the future perfectly.
16:02
SPEAKER_00: We can't.
16:04
SPEAKER_00: We will always make decisions with incomplete information.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: There will always be consequences we couldn't have anticipated.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: Prudence isn't omniscience.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: It is simply a willingness to remember that the immediate moment is not the only moment that matters.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: And I think that's harder than it sounds, because immediate rewards are incredibly persuasive, the satisfaction of saying exactly what we think, the relief of finally making a decision, the excitement of a new opportunity, the validation of a winning argument, the pleasure of buying something we want, the temporary peace that comes from avoiding a difficult conversation.
16:59
SPEAKER_00: Those things are real, but prudence asks us to look one step further.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I can win this argument.
17:09
SPEAKER_00: What happens to the relationship after I win it?
17:12
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I can take this opportunity.
17:15
SPEAKER_00: What will I have to stop doing in order to carry it well?
17:19
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I can tell this person exactly what I think of them.
17:23
SPEAKER_00: Will I still believe saying it was wise tomorrow?
17:27
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I can afford this.
17:30
SPEAKER_00: But what future flexibility am I exchanging for it?
17:35
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I can rescue someone from the consequence of their decision.
17:41
SPEAKER_00: But what am I teaching them?
17:44
SPEAKER_00: And what responsibility am I creating for myself next time?
17:49
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean the answer is always restraint.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the consequence of not acting is worse.
17:56
SPEAKER_00: If I avoid the difficult conversation, resentment may grow.
18:01
SPEAKER_00: If I don't take the opportunity, the window may close.
18:05
SPEAKER_00: If I don't draw the boundary, the behavior may continue.
18:11
SPEAKER_00: If I don't spend the money now, I may pay considerably more later.
18:16
SPEAKER_00: If I refuse every risk because I cannot guarantee the outcome, I may create a life that is very safe and very small.
18:27
SPEAKER_00: Inaction has consequences too, and I think that's important because otherwise prudence can become an elegant justification for fear.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: The prudent woman isn't asking how do I avoid consequences?
18:42
SPEAKER_00: That's impossible.
18:44
SPEAKER_00: She's asking which consequences am I willing to carry?
18:50
SPEAKER_00: I think that's a much more adult question, because every meaningful choice closes something.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: Every yes contains a no.
19:00
SPEAKER_00: If I commit to one life, inevitably I inevitably relinquish some others.
19:07
SPEAKER_00: If I devote myself deeply to one piece of work, there will be things I don't have time to build.
19:14
SPEAKER_00: If I choose a relationship, there may be freedoms that change.
19:21
SPEAKER_00: If I choose independence, there are forms of intimacy I may never experience.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: If I spend years developing mastery in one direction, I cannot simultaneously develop mastery in every other direction.
19:37
SPEAKER_00: Choice creates consequence because choice creates form.
19:43
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps part of maturity is becoming less resentful about that.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: We cannot have every possible life.
19:51
SPEAKER_00: We cannot keep every door open.
19:53
SPEAKER_00: We cannot receive the benefits of a decision while refusing all of its costs.
20:01
SPEAKER_00: Prudence helps us ask is what this choice creates worth what it requires?
20:09
SPEAKER_00: And I think that question becomes even more important as our decisions begin affecting other people, because eventually our choices don't belong only to us.
20:21
SPEAKER_00: If someone trusts me, my choice affects them.
20:25
SPEAKER_00: If I lead people, my judgment creates consequences for them.
20:31
SPEAKER_00: The more responsibility we carry, the larger the radius of our decisions becomes.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: That's where prudence begins to become something more than personal wisdom.
20:44
SPEAKER_00: It becomes stewardship.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: I am no longer asking only what do I want to do?
20:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm also asking what has been placed within the consequences of my choices whose trust, whose time, whose money, whose well being?
21:05
SPEAKER_00: What have I promised?
21:06
SPEAKER_00: What am I responsible for protecting?
21:10
SPEAKER_00: And I don't think this means we become afraid to make decisions.
21:14
SPEAKER_00: Quite the opposite.
21:15
SPEAKER_00: Good judgment gives us the ability to make difficult decisions precisely because we have considered what they may require.
21:24
SPEAKER_00: We don't need certainty.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: We need enough clarity to say I understand as well as I reasonably can, what this choice may ask of me, and I'm willing to carry it.
21:38
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that's the most prudent yes, and sometimes after looking further down the road we realize no, the immediate reward is not is not worth the longer consequence.
21:52
SPEAKER_00: The opportunity isn't worth the obligation.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: Being right isn't worth what it will destroy.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: The additional money isn't worth the life required to earn it.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: The relationship isn't worth the version of myself I would have to become to remain inside it.
22:11
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps that's one of the quiet ways wisdom changes our decisions.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: We stop asking only what will I get if I do this?
22:22
SPEAKER_00: And begin asking, what will I be responsible for carrying afterward?
22:28
SPEAKER_00: Because a choice is not simply a moment of freedom.
22:31
SPEAKER_00: A choice is also the beginning of a consequence.
22:36
SPEAKER_00: And prudence is the wisdom to look beyond the moment and decide whether that consequence is one we are willing to steward.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: Next we're going to examine how timing is part of wisdom.
22:55
SPEAKER_00: I think one of the hardest parts to accept is that something can be right and still be wrong right now.
23:02
SPEAKER_00: The conversation may need to happen, the opportunity may be worth pursuing.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: The relationship may need to change, the boundary may need to be drawn, the dream may need to be real.
23:16
SPEAKER_00: The truth may need to be spoken.
23:19
SPEAKER_00: And still this may not be the moment.
23:23
SPEAKER_00: I think we sometimes imagine wisdom as knowing the right answer yes or no, stay or leave, speak or remain silent, take the opportunity or walk away.
23:36
SPEAKER_00: But right life rarely gives us decisions in such clean forms, because there is another question sitting underneath all of them when?
23:48
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes when changes the wisdom of what?
23:52
SPEAKER_00: A conversation held while you're furious may create damage that the exact same conversation held tomorrow could repair.
24:05
SPEAKER_00: A business opportunity that would be extraordinary two years from now might destabilize something important today.
24:13
SPEAKER_00: A truth spoken before someone is capable of hearing it may accomplish nothing except relieving us of the burden of holding it.
24:24
SPEAKER_00: A relationship decision made in the middle of an emotional storm may look very different after both people have time to think.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: Even a beautiful dream can become destructive if we force it into a season that doesn't have the capacity to hold it.
24:43
SPEAKER_00: And I think prudence understands that.
24:46
SPEAKER_00: Timing is not separate from good judgment.
24:50
SPEAKER_00: Timing is part of good judgment.
24:53
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes wisdom says yes, sometimes wisdom says no, and sometimes wisdom says not yet.
25:02
SPEAKER_00: I think not yet can be difficult for women who have worked hard to become decisive.
25:08
SPEAKER_00: Because once you've learned not to abandon yourself, waiting can feel suspiciously like returning to an earlier version of yourself.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: Am I procrastinating?
25:18
SPEAKER_00: Am I afraid?
25:20
SPEAKER_00: Am I avoiding the inevitable?
25:23
SPEAKER_00: Am I making excuses?
25:25
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we are.
25:27
SPEAKER_00: That's why we have to distinguish prudence from avoidance.
25:31
SPEAKER_00: Avoidance says I don't want to deal with this.
25:35
SPEAKER_00: Prudence says I intend to deal with this, but I want to meet it well.
25:41
SPEAKER_00: That's a very different posture.
25:44
SPEAKER_00: Avoidance keeps moving the conversation into an indefinite future.
25:49
SPEAKER_00: Prudence may say, I'm too angry to have this conversation tonight.
25:54
SPEAKER_00: I'll return to it tomorrow.
25:56
SPEAKER_00: I don't have enough information to make this investment yet.
26:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to gather what I need.
26:03
SPEAKER_00: This opportunity is interesting, but I don't currently have the capacity to steward it properly.
26:09
SPEAKER_00: I know something needs to change, but I don't need to decide the entire future while I'm exhausted.
26:18
SPEAKER_00: That is not indecision.
26:20
SPEAKER_00: That's refusing to let the pressure to produce an immediate answer substitute for judgment.
26:28
SPEAKER_00: And I think one of the capacities we develop as we mature as women is the ability to allow something to remain unresolved for a while.
26:39
SPEAKER_00: That can be extraordinarily uncomfortable.
26:42
SPEAKER_00: I personally don't like it.
26:45
SPEAKER_00: We like closure as human beings.
26:48
SPEAKER_00: We like answers.
26:50
SPEAKER_00: We like knowing what happens next.
26:53
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the people around us want answers too.
26:57
SPEAKER_00: They may want a decision, a commitment, a response, an explanation.
27:03
SPEAKER_00: But someone else's urgency does not automatically create an emergency for us.
27:11
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we need enough internal authority to say, I understand you want an answer, I don't have one yet, and then tolerate what follows.
27:22
SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes more information really does change the decision.
27:27
SPEAKER_00: Time reveals patterns.
27:29
SPEAKER_00: People reveal themselves.
27:31
SPEAKER_00: Circumstances change.
27:34
SPEAKER_00: Our emotions settle enough that we can distinguish what hurt from what actually matters.
27:40
SPEAKER_00: Something that looked catastrophic on Tuesday may look manageable by Friday.
27:47
SPEAKER_00: And something we kept explaining away may become impossible to ignore after watching it happen again.
27:56
SPEAKER_00: Waiting can produce information that action would have interrupted.
28:01
SPEAKER_00: There are times when the wisest thing we can do is watch.
28:05
SPEAKER_00: But prudence cannot become an excuse for waiting forever.
28:09
SPEAKER_00: Because there are also moments when timing says now.
28:15
SPEAKER_00: The opportunity has arrived, the boundary has been crossed, the information is sufficient, the window is closing.
28:23
SPEAKER_00: The decision has already been postponed long enough.
28:28
SPEAKER_00: The conversation will not become easier with another six months of avoidance.
28:34
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we don't need more clarity.
28:36
SPEAKER_00: We need courage.
28:38
SPEAKER_00: And this is why prudence is not simply slowness.
28:42
SPEAKER_00: The prudent woman is not necessarily slow.
28:46
SPEAKER_00: She is appropriately timed.
28:49
SPEAKER_00: She knows that some decisions benefit from twenty four hours.
28:54
SPEAKER_00: Some require months of preparation, and some require an answer in the next thirty seconds.
29:01
SPEAKER_00: There are moments when hesitation itself creates the consequence, and wisdom has to recognize those two.
29:12
SPEAKER_00: I think this is particularly important because there is no formula that can tell us exactly how long to wait.
29:21
SPEAKER_00: You cannot turn prudence into never make a decision when emotional.
29:26
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes emotion is precisely what finally reveals the truth.
29:31
SPEAKER_00: You cannot say always sleep on it.
29:34
SPEAKER_00: Some opportunities genuinely disappear.
29:38
SPEAKER_00: You cannot say wait until you have all the information.
29:42
SPEAKER_00: You never will.
29:44
SPEAKER_00: At some point, judgment has to enter.
29:47
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps that's why timing is such a sophisticated form of wisdom.
29:52
SPEAKER_00: It requires us to live somewhere between impulse and paralysis, not acting simply because I feel urgency, and not waiting simply because I fear action.
30:05
SPEAKER_00: Instead, I keep asking, what do I know?
30:08
SPEAKER_00: What don't I know?
30:10
SPEAKER_00: What might time reveal?
30:12
SPEAKER_00: What might waiting cost?
30:15
SPEAKER_00: Am I allowing something to ripen or am I refusing to harvest something that is already ready?
30:22
SPEAKER_00: I think there are seasons when we need to push, and seasons when pushing destroys what needed more time.
30:31
SPEAKER_00: There are moments when courage means moving, and moments when courage means staying still while everyone, including the anxious part of ourselves, is demanding movement.
30:43
SPEAKER_00: Perhaps prudence is learning to recognize the difference, because good judgment isn't simply knowing what to do, it's knowing when enough information has arrived, when enough preparation has been made, when waiting has served its purpose, when the conditions can hold what we're asking them to hold, and then when the moment arrives, acting.
31:10
SPEAKER_00: Not prematurely, not indefinitely later, but when the moment actually belongs to the decision.
31:19
SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes wisdom says yes, sometimes it says no, sometimes it says not yet, and sometimes very clearly it says now.
31:35
SPEAKER_00: Next, let's look at how restraint is not the same thing as making yourself small.
31:42
SPEAKER_00: I think we have to be careful when we talk about prudence and restraint, particularly when we're talking to women.
31:49
SPEAKER_00: Because women have been taught restraint for a very long time.
31:54
SPEAKER_00: Don't be too loud, don't be too ambitious, don't ask for too much, don't make anyone uncomfortable, don't be difficult, don't be angry, don't take up too much space, don't become too powerful, don't want too much money, don't say the thing that everyone else is carefully avoiding.
32:19
SPEAKER_00: And then we have often taken all of that on and called it wisdom.
32:26
SPEAKER_00: We have called women gracious when they were silencing themselves, patient when they were tolerating things they shouldn't have tolerated, selfless when they had learned that everyone else's need should become should come before their own, loyal when they were afraid to leave, humble when they had learned to diminish their own abilities, and prudent when what we really meant was she knows how to make herself small enough that no one else feels threatened by her.
33:03
SPEAKER_00: That's not the prudence I'm talking about, because I think genuine restraint requires something first.
33:10
SPEAKER_00: You have to know that you are free to act.
33:15
SPEAKER_00: If you don't believe you're allowed to speak, silence isn't necessarily restraint.
33:20
SPEAKER_00: If you don't believe you're allowed to leave, staying isn't necessarily patience.
33:27
SPEAKER_00: If you've been taught that waiting more makes you selfish, declining an opportunity isn't necessarily wisdom.
33:36
SPEAKER_00: If you're terrified of someone's reaction, keeping the peace isn't necessarily emotional maturity.
33:44
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes what looks like restraint from the outside is actually fear, and sometimes what looks like boldness is actually wisdom.
33:54
SPEAKER_00: There are moments when prudence says speak, leave, ask for more, take the risk, draw the boundary, make the decision, stop waiting.
34:08
SPEAKER_00: Because prudence is not committed to restraint.
34:12
SPEAKER_00: Prudence is committed to good judgment.
34:16
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes good judgment requires force.
34:19
SPEAKER_00: I think this distinction becomes particularly important for women who have done a lot of work around boundaries and sovereignty, because there can be a temptation to swing from one extreme to another.
34:33
SPEAKER_00: Perhaps I spent years accommodating everyone.
34:36
SPEAKER_00: Now I refuse to accommodate anyone.
34:40
SPEAKER_00: Perhaps I struggled to say no, now saying no because becomes evidence of my power.
34:49
SPEAKER_00: Perhaps I spent years swallowing my anger.
34:52
SPEAKER_00: Now I believe authenticity requires expressing everything I feel.
34:58
SPEAKER_00: Perhaps I once allowed people to cross my boundaries.
35:02
SPEAKER_00: Now every inconvenience becomes a boundary violation.
35:07
SPEAKER_00: And I understand why that happens.
35:10
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we have to overcorrect for a while before we find the center.
35:16
SPEAKER_00: But eventually sovereignty has to mature too.
35:19
SPEAKER_00: Because the goal was never to become a woman who always says no.
35:24
SPEAKER_00: The goal was to become a woman whose yes and no both belong to her.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: That's different.
35:32
SPEAKER_00: I can accommodate someone because I want to.
35:35
SPEAKER_00: I can change my plans because someone I love needs me.
35:39
SPEAKER_00: I can decide not to confront someone because the issue genuinely isn't important enough.
35:45
SPEAKER_00: I can let something go.
35:48
SPEAKER_00: I can forgive.
35:49
SPEAKER_00: I can choose peace.
35:51
SPEAKER_00: I can allow someone else to have the last word.
35:55
SPEAKER_00: And none of those things make me small if they are choices I am making consciously.
36:01
SPEAKER_00: In fact, sometimes restraint becomes possible only after we stop being afraid of our own power.
36:09
SPEAKER_00: I don't have to prove that I can destroy you simply because I know I could hurt you.
36:15
SPEAKER_00: I don't have to use every piece of information I possess.
36:19
SPEAKER_00: I don't have to expose someone's weakness simply because they exposed mine.
36:25
SPEAKER_00: I don't have to win every argument simply because I know how.
36:30
SPEAKER_00: I don't have to exercise every right simply because it belongs to me.
36:36
SPEAKER_00: I can have power and decide not to deploy it.
36:41
SPEAKER_00: That is very different than powerlessness, and I think this is where restraint becomes something beautiful.
36:48
SPEAKER_00: Because restraint is not the absence of strength, it is strength under governance.
36:56
SPEAKER_00: There is a reason we trust people who possess power and don't use it carelessly.
37:02
SPEAKER_00: The person who could humiliate you and chooses not to, the leader who could exploit an advantage and refuses.
37:10
SPEAKER_00: The person who knows something private about you and protects it even after the relationship ends.
37:18
SPEAKER_00: The woman who could say the devastating thing in an argument and knows that once those words leave her mouth, she cannot take them back.
37:28
SPEAKER_00: She doesn't remain silent because she's afraid to speak.
37:32
SPEAKER_00: She remains silent because she understands consequence.
37:36
SPEAKER_00: That is prudence.
37:39
SPEAKER_00: And I think the more powerful we become, the more important this becomes.
37:45
SPEAKER_00: Because power expands our capacity not only to create, but to damage.
37:51
SPEAKER_00: The more influence I have, the further my words can travel, the more money I have, the larger the decisions I can make.
38:01
SPEAKER_00: The more authority I hold, the more people may have to live with the consequences of my judgment.
38:09
SPEAKER_00: The more intimately I know someone, the more precisely I know where I could wound them.
38:16
SPEAKER_00: So perhaps restraint becomes more important, not less, as we become powerful.
38:23
SPEAKER_00: But it must remain chosen restraint, not obedience, not fear, not self erasure, not shrinking ourselves so other people can remain comfortable.
38:35
SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's one of the questions we can ask when we aren't sure which one we're practicing.
38:43
SPEAKER_00: If I knew I were completely free to act, would I still choose restraint?
38:49
SPEAKER_00: If I knew I could leave, would I choose to stay?
38:54
SPEAKER_00: If I knew I could speak, would I still choose silence?
38:59
SPEAKER_00: If I knew I were allowed to pursue this, would I still decide it wasn't right for me?
39:05
SPEAKER_00: If I knew I didn't have to forgive, would I still want to?
39:10
SPEAKER_00: If the answer is yes, then perhaps we're no longer talking about making ourselves small.
39:16
SPEAKER_00: We're talking about exercising judgment.
39:20
SPEAKER_00: Because the mature woman doesn't need to prove her power by using it constantly.
39:26
SPEAKER_00: She knows she possesses it.
39:28
SPEAKER_00: And that knowledge gives her access to something even more powerful.
39:33
SPEAKER_00: Choice.
39:34
SPEAKER_00: She can speak, she can remain silent, she can move, she can wait, she can fight, she can walk away.
39:43
SPEAKER_00: She can say yes, she can say no.
39:47
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes she can look at all the power available to her and decide I could, but I won't.
39:56
SPEAKER_00: Not because she is small, but because she has become powerful enough to choose restraint.
40:06
SPEAKER_00: Lastly, we're going to look at how mature power becomes selective.
40:12
SPEAKER_00: I think one of the things that happens when we become more capable is that life presents us with a strange new problem.
40:21
SPEAKER_00: We can do more than we should do.
40:24
SPEAKER_00: We can carry more than we should carry.
40:27
SPEAKER_00: We can respond to more people, take on more projects, solve more problems, pursue more opportunities, maintain more relationships, learn more things, build more things.
40:44
SPEAKER_00: And because we're capable of doing them, it can be incredibly easy to assume that we should.
40:51
SPEAKER_00: And I think mature power eventually becomes less interested in proving how much it can hold.
40:59
SPEAKER_00: It becomes interested in what is actually worth holding.
41:06
SPEAKER_00: And that requires selectivity.
41:10
SPEAKER_00: Not every opportunity deserves pursuit.
41:14
SPEAKER_00: Not every relationship deserves repair.
41:17
SPEAKER_00: Not every criticism deserves consideration.
41:21
SPEAKER_00: Not every invitation deserves a yes.
41:25
SPEAKER_00: Not every disagreement deserves a response.
41:28
SPEAKER_00: Not every possibility deserves to become a project.
41:33
SPEAKER_00: Not every problem we notice belongs to us.
41:37
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps most importantly, not everything we are capable of carrying is ours to carry.
41:45
SPEAKER_00: I think that's a difficult lesson for competent women because competence attracts responsibility.
41:53
SPEAKER_00: If you're good at solving problems, people bring you problems.
41:57
SPEAKER_00: If you're emotionally perceptive, people bring you their emotions.
42:03
SPEAKER_00: If you're reliable, people often give you things to manage.
42:08
SPEAKER_00: If you're organized, you become the person who remembers.
42:13
SPEAKER_00: If you're capable of carrying a lot, people become accustomed to watching you carry it.
42:21
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we become accustomed to it as well.
42:25
SPEAKER_00: There can even be an identity inside it.
42:29
SPEAKER_00: I'm the person who can handle things, and perhaps you are, I certainly know that I am.
42:36
SPEAKER_00: But capability is not the same thing as responsibility.
42:41
SPEAKER_00: Just because I could fix something doesn't mean it is mine to fix.
42:46
SPEAKER_00: Just because I understand someone's behavior doesn't mean I am responsible for accommodating it.
42:54
SPEAKER_00: Just because I can carry another obligation doesn't mean that obligation belongs in my life.
43:01
SPEAKER_00: Just because I can help doesn't mean helping is always wise.
43:06
SPEAKER_00: And this is where prudence begins to become more than knowing when not to act.
43:13
SPEAKER_00: It becomes knowing where to place our finite resources.
43:17
SPEAKER_00: Time is finite, attention is finite, money is finite, energy is finite, emotional availability is finite.
43:29
SPEAKER_00: Every time I place one of those resources somewhere, I am making a decision about where it cannot go.
43:37
SPEAKER_00: So selectivity isn't selfishness.
43:41
SPEAKER_00: It is one of the ways we protect our ability to give ourselves fully to what actually matters.
43:48
SPEAKER_00: If I respond to every demand on my attention, I may have very little attention left for the work I care most deeply about.
43:57
SPEAKER_00: If I maintain every relationship relationship simply because it once mattered, I may have less capacity for the relationships that are now alive.
44:09
SPEAKER_00: If I pursue every interesting opportunity, I may never stay with one thing long enough to build anything substantial.
44:19
SPEAKER_00: If I constantly intervene in other people's problems, I may neglect the responsibilities that actually belong to me.
44:27
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps that's why mature power often looks quieter than immature power.
44:33
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't need to be everywhere.
44:35
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't need to answer everything.
44:38
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't need to demonstrate competence at every opportunity.
44:42
SPEAKER_00: It knows that attention itself is an allocation of power.
44:48
SPEAKER_00: Where I place my attention something grows.
44:52
SPEAKER_00: Where I place my time something develops.
44:56
SPEAKER_00: Where I place my money, something becomes possible.
45:00
SPEAKER_00: Where I place my emotional energy, something receives life from me.
45:05
SPEAKER_00: And if that's true, then perhaps one of the most important questions I can ask is what deserves me?
45:14
SPEAKER_00: Not in an arrogant sense, not who is worthy of someone as extraordinary as I am, but in the very practical sense that I have one life a finite number of years, a finite number of mornings, a finite amount of attention, what deserves some of that life.
45:36
SPEAKER_00: I think this becomes particularly important when we start building something meaningful, because meaningful work almost always requires saying no to things that are also good.
45:50
SPEAKER_00: That's what makes discernment difficult.
45:53
SPEAKER_00: It's relatively easy to reject what is obviously destructive.
45:58
SPEAKER_00: The harder decisions are often between good and important.
46:04
SPEAKER_00: This is a good opportunity, but is it more important than what I am already building?
46:11
SPEAKER_00: This person isn't terrible, but does this relationship belong in the life I am creating?
46:18
SPEAKER_00: This project is interesting, but does it deserve six months of my attention?
46:24
SPEAKER_00: I could help here, but am I the person who should?
46:30
SPEAKER_00: That's where mature power becomes selective.
46:33
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't ask only can I do this?
46:37
SPEAKER_00: It asks is this where my power belongs?
46:41
SPEAKER_00: And I think that question changes as responsibility grows, because the more we are entrusted with the less freedom we actually have to scatter ourselves everywhere.
46:54
SPEAKER_00: If I am responsible for something meaningful then protecting my capacity becomes part of stewarding it.
47:01
SPEAKER_00: Rest may become responsible.
47:05
SPEAKER_00: Dealing with something may become responsible.
47:09
SPEAKER_00: Ignoring a distraction may become responsible.
47:14
SPEAKER_00: Allowing someone else to solve their own problems may become responsible.
47:21
SPEAKER_00: Saying I cannot carry that may be one of the ways I protect what I have already agreed to carry.
47:29
SPEAKER_00: And this is where I think prudence begins moving naturally toward stewardship because eventually knowing what not to do isn't simply about protecting ourselves from bad decisions.
47:42
SPEAKER_00: It's about protecting what matters from being diluted by everything that could have mattered.
47:49
SPEAKER_00: There will always be more possibilities than one life can contain, more books than we can read, more places than we can visit, more people than we can know deeply, more ideas than we can develop, more work than we can accomplish, more worthy causes than we can serve.
48:11
SPEAKER_00: We cannot give ourselves to all of them, and maturity may require grieving that there are beautiful lives we will never live, interesting doors we will deliberately leave unopened, things we would have been good at that we will never pursue not because they weren't worthwhile, but because something else mattered more perhaps that is one of the quieter forms of prudence not simply avoiding foolishness, but becoming increasingly precise about where our life belongs What deserves action?
48:52
SPEAKER_00: What deserves patience?
48:54
SPEAKER_00: What deserves protection?
48:56
SPEAKER_00: What deserves courage?
48:59
SPEAKER_00: What deserves our attention and what deserves absolutely nothing from us The mature woman doesn't withdraw from life she becomes more deliberate about where she places her force because power isn't demonstrated by acting on every possibility and capacity isn't demonstrated by carrying everything we possibly can.
49:25
SPEAKER_00: Eventually perhaps the deepest expression of power is being able to look at everything available to us and say this deserves my attention, this deserves my work, this deserves my care this deserves some portion of my finite life and the rest I can let it pass because mature power doesn't need to be everywhere.
49:52
SPEAKER_00: It knows where it belongs As we end today's episode I want to discuss how often I think when we look back on our lives we naturally remember the decisions we made, the relationships we entered, the relationship we left, the job we took, the business we started, the place we moved, the risk we finally had the courage to take.
50:24
SPEAKER_00: We can see those decisions because they created something visible they changed the shape of our lives.
50:32
SPEAKER_00: But I wonder how much of life is also shaped by the decisions we didn't make, the message we didn't send, the argument we chose not to continue, the opportunity we didn't pursue, the purchase we didn't make the relationship we didn't force the person we stopped trying to convince the responsibility we realized wasn't ours the decision we refused to make while frightened, angry, exhausted or desperate for certainty.
51:08
SPEAKER_00: The door we could have walked through and deliberately allowed to close.
51:15
SPEAKER_00: Those decisions are harder to see there is no monument to the unnecessary conflict you avoided no photograph of the life you wisely decided not to build no obvious evidence of the damage that never occurred because you had enough restraint not to create it.
51:36
SPEAKER_00: And yet those unmade moves may shape our lives just as profoundly as the actions we take.
51:45
SPEAKER_00: I think that's what makes prudence such a quiet form of wisdom.
51:49
SPEAKER_00: It rarely looks impressive in the moment.
51:52
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it looks like doing absolutely nothing but underneath that stillness there may be an enormous amount of judgment taking place.
52:03
SPEAKER_00: I could respond but what would responding accomplish I could take this opportunity but what would it require me to neglect?
52:13
SPEAKER_00: I could make this decision tonight, but why does it have to be decided tonight?
52:19
SPEAKER_00: I could carry this but is it actually mine to carry?
52:24
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps eventually we become less interested in proving that we are powerful enough to act and more interested in becoming trustworthy with the power we possess?
52:37
SPEAKER_00: Because that may be the deeper question underneath prudence can I trust myself with my own power?
52:44
SPEAKER_00: Can I trust myself not only to act when courage requires action, but to wait when wisdom requires patience?
52:54
SPEAKER_00: Can I speak when something needs to be said and remain silent when speaking would serve nothing except my own immediate relief?
53:05
SPEAKER_00: Can I take the opportunity when the moment arrives and allow another opportunity to pass because it doesn't belong to the life I am building?
53:16
SPEAKER_00: Can I distinguish between what I could carry and what I am actually responsible for carrying That kind of restraint isn't passivity, it isn't fear, and it certainly isn't making ourselves small.
53:32
SPEAKER_00: It is self government the ability to possess power without being compelled to constantly exercise it.
53:41
SPEAKER_00: And I think there is something profoundly freeing about that.
53:46
SPEAKER_00: Because once you understand that not every possibility requires a decision, not every provocation requires a response, not every open door requires you to enter the world becomes quieter.
54:00
SPEAKER_00: You become quieter, not because you care less, but because you become more selective about what deserves your care.
54:09
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps that is where prudence eventually leads us not toward a smaller life toward a more deliberate one a life in which our yes means something because we are capable of saying no a life in which our action means something because we are capable of waiting a life in which our power becomes more precise because we no longer scatter it across everything that asks for our attention.
54:40
SPEAKER_00: And perhaps some of the wisest decisions we will ever make will remain almost entirely invisible.
54:47
SPEAKER_00: There will be no evidence of what might have happened.
54:51
SPEAKER_00: No one may ever know what we chose not to say, what we chose not to pursue, what we chose not to destroy, what we choose not to carry.
55:04
SPEAKER_00: But we will know because prudence teaches us that a life shaped that a life is shaped not only by the moves we make sometimes it is shaped just as profoundly by the moves we become wise enough to leave unmade thank you so much for being here let whatever was useful in today's episode settle in its own time clarity I have found tends to unfold naturally when we give it space.
55:40
SPEAKER_00: Until next time stay rooted stay sovereign and trust your own becoming