Latest / The Original Self Podcast / Why You Feel Drained After Work | The Psychology of Emotional Labor

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Why You Feel Drained After Work | The Psychology of Emotional Labor · The Original Self Podcast

0:00
The last client leaves and I turn off the music.
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I have to sweep the hair, tools to put away,
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and tomorrow's appointments to review. But the
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day's conversations are finally over. It was
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a great day. I laughed a lot, clients left happy,
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and I finally got to eat lunch. I mean, it was
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4 p .m., but I still got to eat. By the time
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I got home, I was so ready for the quiet. I put
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my stuff down, changed into my comfy clothes,
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and sat down for about one minute before my phone
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lit up. It was either a call, a text, or an email.
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Sometimes it's all three. I looked at it and
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I thought, please don't need a response. An hour
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ago, I discussed someone's vacation while mixing
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color and trying to remember exactly how I had
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cut their hair the last time because they said
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do it exactly like that again, it was perfect.
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But now, from the comfort of my own couch, a
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phone conversation feels almost impossible. Hey
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everyone, it's Evet. Today begins making a
1:17
life in hair. This is a new series that I will
1:20
return to once a month alongside our usual episodes
1:25
exploring resilience mindset. and the courage
1:28
to become your authentic self. As a hairstylist,
1:33
former salon owner, and a former instructor for
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over four decades, I love a lot about this career,
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but I have to be honest with myself to keep enjoying
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it. In this series, I want to explore what we
1:49
give to our work, what we need to give to ourselves.
1:52
and how we communicate with clients, coworkers,
1:57
owners, and employees, including how an avoided
2:01
conversation becomes a problem we keep working
2:04
around over and over. I'll also invite other
2:08
hairstylists to share their experiences and laugh
2:11
about the situations we get ourselves into. I'd
2:14
love more opportunities for us as a community
2:18
of hairstylists to support one another and speak
2:21
openly about this career. And if you're thinking,
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but I'm not a hairstylist, just stay with me.
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The salon gives me plenty of stories as you have
2:34
listened to, but stories about managing expectations
2:38
and questioning our habits. and then, like I
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said, learning to communicate what we need. That's
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all familiar territory to every one of us. Today,
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we're exploring why work can leave you emotionally
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drained even after a day you completely enjoyed.
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So as you listen, I want you guys to consider
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which parts of your day ask the most of you.
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How do you know when you need a break? And what
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do you do when you notice that? And as always,
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if you'd like support exploring these patterns
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or navigating any kind of change, you can book
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a free discovery call with me at Dakota Life
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Coaching, and you'll find the link in this episode's
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notes. All right, so let's talk about the work
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that doesn't show up in your booking system,
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or if you're old school, the paper book that
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you use. An appointment booking might say a hair
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color and a haircut. It doesn't tell you the
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client is nervous because a previous stylist
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damaged her hair or cut it poorly. They come
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in and they say they want a major change, but
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they need you to promise that they'll love it.
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So before you pick up a brush, you're working
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out what their words mean and the words that
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they don't say. You're working out what's possible
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and then how to explain the difference without
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making them feel unheard or confused Meanwhile,
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you may be running behind your knees are hurting
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if you're me and You've had to pee for the last
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two hours You can't change most of that in the
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moment. I mean you could go to the bathroom after
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all you're already behind what's one more minute,
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but When you return, you still need to respond
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thoughtfully to the person in your chair, correct?
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There's a term for managing how you feel and
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respond as part of your job. It's called emotional
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labor. Physical work and constant concentration
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tire you out, too. But emotional labor is the
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part that involves managing your feelings and
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then what you show about those feelings. Think
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of a teacher who responds calmly after being
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interrupted for the 20th time. Or a manager that
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sets aside their frustration from one meeting
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to lead the next one. Or even a customer service
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worker listening very politely while someone
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yells about the problem that they didn't cause.
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Sometimes you manage what you show while your
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feelings stay the same. You're frustrated, but
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your voice is steady. Other times, your feelings
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shift. You realize a client's repeated questions
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come from anxiety, and understanding that helps
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you become more patient. Doesn't always work,
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but that's why we're talking about it today.
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And it doesn't mean that every pleasant interaction
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is an act. I genuinely enjoy my clients and many
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of the conversations throughout my day, sometimes
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all of them. But sometimes warmth requires deliberate
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adjustment. You may be so practiced at softening
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an explanation or recovering from an awkward
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comment that you barely notice. Making it look
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effortless, though, doesn't mean it is. And then
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consider the expectations we add ourselves. Like,
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sometimes a client is perfectly content to sit
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quietly as I work. But if I start wondering whether
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she's bored or whether I should ask more questions
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Her silence becomes another responsibility for
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me to take on No one was complaining. I just
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gave myself another job So let me ask you this
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What do you assume people expect from you? Did
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they ask for more or did you decide it was necessary?
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Understanding why you feel drained starts with
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noticing where your effort goes, including the
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effort you stopped counting. So some days, you
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leave the salon feeling better than when you
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arrived. That client that was nervous, she loved
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the change you gave her. Someone made you laugh
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so hard, you had to stop cutting for a minute.
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Probably for the best. You get home and you want
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to tell somebody about it. But other days, you're
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still replaying that appointment while making
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dinner. Did you understand what she wanted? Could
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you have handled the conversation differently?
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You're still tense. Hours after the appointment
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ended. When feelings from one part of your life
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carry into another, psychologists call that emotional
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spillover. So what made the difference between
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the good day that you want to talk about and
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then you feeling tense while you're making dinner?
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Was it the work itself? A conversation? Not enough
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time between appointments? Your answer is very
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useful information because we tend to notice
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what wears us out and then pay less attention
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to what helped us enjoy the day. Sometimes both
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happen. You feel proud of your work and physically
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tired. You enjoyed your clients and have had
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enough conversation. But a good day can still
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ask a lot of you, correct? Being specific helps.
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If you say, I'm drained, that describes how you
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feel, but it doesn't tell you what would help.
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So think about that. What are you carrying home
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at the end of the day? Is it something you wanna
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share, something you need to think through, or
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something you're ready to just put down and not
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talk about again? You don't need to know exactly
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why you feel this way. Simply recognizing that
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you need quiet lets you say so. So that phone
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ringing and you could say, you could text, I'd
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love to catch up. Let me have a little time to
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settle in first. That gives someone a clear idea
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of what you need without making them guess or
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feeling ignored. So what about when does the
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workday end? So you're at home, you're checking
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tomorrow's appointments, then maybe a client
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messages about her color, so you pull up her
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formula, and then you remember you need to order
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some supplies. Each task takes only a few minutes,
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but together they can fill up a lot of your evening.
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Researchers call stepping away from work, both
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doing the job and thinking about it, psychological
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detachment. And it's hard when you care about
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your clients or you run your own business. There's
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always something to check, always something to
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prepare or improve. And I'll admit, I don't have
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much detachment from my work. At my age, if I
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don't schedule the appointment or order the product
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or return the text when I think of it, I will
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most likely forget. And of course, I could use
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the reminder app on my phone, but doing it immediately
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seems so much faster than writing down the reminder.
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Somewhere along the way, I decided that building
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a successful business meant I'm open 24 -7. It
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may have to do with that I'm a super type A personality,
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and I can't rest until things are finished. But
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do they really all need to be finished in one
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night? Probably not. So I'll ask, what tells
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you you're done for the day? Is there a stopping
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point? Or do you just keep going until you're
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too tired to do anything else? Because sometimes
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you're trying to finish something practical.
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Other times, you might be looking for reassurance.
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If a client asked to reschedule and you sent
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them available times that you have, but they
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never wrote back, it's been hours. Now you're
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waiting for her to choose which time she's going
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to take. Another look at the phone might give
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you the answer. Maybe she answered. Or it might
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also leave you checking for another hour. I've
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personally been known to send a few question
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marks when someone hasn't answered me. As if,
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you know, punctuation could create a sense of
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urgency. Apparently I also have trouble leaving
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things unfinished. It does help though to notice
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whether you're choosing to handle a task. or
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reacting to the discomfort of not finishing?
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Or are you just checking out of habit? You could
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possibly experiment with a stopping point, finish
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your notes before leaving the salon, or put tomorrow's
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tasks in your reminder app, or set up a time
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to respond to routine messages and tell clients
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when that is. You could also see what your booking
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platform handles. A lot of them handle online
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scheduling, automated reminders, or an AI assistant
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that handles appointment requests that could
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possibly reduce the after -hour exchanges. So
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ask ourselves, right, which tasks need your judgment
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and which could happen without you. Those services,
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though, may cost money, so you have to weigh
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that against the time and attention you spend
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doing the task yourself. And if your evening
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usually involves scrolling through hair reels
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with the TV show playing in the background, very
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familiar with this, would something else feel
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more satisfying? Cooking, walking, gardening,
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seeing friends, or getting absorbed in something
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where nobody expects you to be particularly good
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at it? What do you enjoy that has nothing to
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do with being useful, productive, or available?
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When did you last make room for it? The goal
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is time that feels like your own, with enough
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room to decide how you want to spend it. Maybe
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I need to spend more time listening to this podcast
13:27
a few times. I said in the beginning that we're
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going to talk about conversations we avoid. You
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ever agree to something and then resent doing
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it? Yeah. We squeeze in an appointment. We skip
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a break. We stay late because saying yes felt
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easier than explaining what we could offer. The
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pressure is real in our job and everybody's job,
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right? In being a hairstylist, we need to earn
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a living. We need to maintain relationships while
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also running a business and standing behind the
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chair for eight plus hours a day. But it's worth
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noticing when we treat a request as an obligation.
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Think about something you recently agreed to
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and then regretted. What made it so hard to say
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no? That explanation doesn't need a long defense.
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You might need to say to a client who wants an
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appointment on a specific day or at a specific
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time, I can't fit that service in on Thursday,
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but I can give you the time it needs on Tuesday.
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Whatever. That says what's possible without having
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to provide how busy you are or why you can't
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do it. Just can't do it Thursday, can do it Tuesday.
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Or if you need to tell a coworker, I can help
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you with that today, but I can't keep staying
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late. We need to make another arrangement. Or
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if you're the owner, are your expectations clear?
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Have you said, Who handles a task and when it's
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due? Or have you just been doing it yourself,
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while growing more annoyed that nobody notices?
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I have to ask myself that. Experience doesn't
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make us immune to avoiding an uncomfortable conversation.
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It just gives us more practice working around
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it. And there's also a difference between explaining
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a limit and asking permission to have one. So
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if every one of your answers is, is that okay?
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You may find yourself negotiating something that
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you already know doesn't work, but that can be
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corrected. If you want to revise an arrangement
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with a client that you've established in the
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past, you could say something to the effect of,
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I know I've often made this work in the past,
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but I need to change how I schedule now. There's
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not a lot of wiggle room. for somebody to argue
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with you when you say something like that. And
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then you follow through. Because if you keep
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offering your day off after explaining that it's
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unavailable, the old arrangement continues. We
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teach people what they can expect. So ask yourself,
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what expectation do you need to clarify before
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you agree to anything else? Just choose one specific
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conversation. and have it while you still have
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the patience to say it well. I am still learning
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what helps me enjoy my career and really questioning
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habits I once thought were simply part of the
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job. You can make those adjustments too. Loving
16:48
your work doesn't mean you have to do it the
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same way forever. Think about this. What's one
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change you could make this week to create more
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room for your life outside of work? You could
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start small, just to find out whether it helps
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or not. You don't have to wait until your retirement
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to change how you operate in your work. And remember,
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if you'd like support figuring out what this
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could look like for you, that is what I do. And
17:18
you can find the link in the episode notes to
17:20
book a free discovery call. I'm Evet DeCota.
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This is The Original Self Podcast. And I want
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to thank you for spending part of your day with
17:30
me. and I hope you get to enjoy what's left of
17:32
it.