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05 - The Flying Inn - GK Chesterton · Daily Classic Sci Fi Books

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Speaker 1: Chapter five, The Astonishment of the Agents. Lord Ivywood shared
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Speaker 1: the mental weakness of most men who have fed on books.
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Speaker 1: He ignored not the value, but the very existence of
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Speaker 1: other forms of information. Thus, Humphrey Pump was perfectly aware
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Speaker 1: that Lord Ivywood considered him an ignorant man who carried
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Speaker 1: a volume of Pickwick and could not be got to
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Speaker 1: read any other book. But Lord Ivywood was quite unaware
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Speaker 1: that Humphrey never looked at him without thinking that he
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Speaker 1: could be most successfully hidden in a wood of small beaches,
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Speaker 1: as his gray brown hair and sallow ashen face exactly
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Speaker 1: reproduced the three predominant tints of such a Sylvan twilight.
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Speaker 1: Mister pomp I fear had sometimes partaken of partridge or
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Speaker 1: pheasants in his early youth, under circumstances in which Lord
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Speaker 1: Ivywood was not only unconscious of the hospitality he was dispensing,
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Speaker 1: but would have sworn that it was physically impossible for
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Speaker 1: anyone to elude the vigilance of his efficient system of gamekeeping.
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Speaker 1: But it is very unwise in one who counts himself
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Speaker 1: superior to physical things to talk about physical impossibility. Lord
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Speaker 1: Ivywood was in error. Therefore, when he said that the
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Speaker 1: fugitives could not possibly escape in modern England. You can
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Speaker 1: do a great many things in modern England if you
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Speaker 1: have noticed some things in fact which others know by
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Speaker 1: pictures or current speech. If you know, for instance, that
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Speaker 1: most roadside hedges are taller and denser than they look,
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Speaker 1: and that even the largest man lying just behind them
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Speaker 1: takes up far less room than you would suppose. If
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Speaker 1: you know that many natural sounds are much more like
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Speaker 1: each other than the enlightened ear can believe, as in
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Speaker 1: the case of wind in leaves and of the sea.
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Speaker 1: If you know that it is easier to walk in
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Speaker 1: socks than in boots. If you know how to take
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Speaker 1: hold of the ground. If you know that the proportion
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Speaker 1: of dogs who will bite a man under any circumstances
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Speaker 1: is rather less than the proportion of men who will
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Speaker 1: murder you in a railway carriage. If you know that
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Speaker 1: you need not be drowned even in a river, unless
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Speaker 1: the tide is very strong, and unless you practice putting
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Speaker 1: yourself into the special attitudes of a suicide. If you
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Speaker 1: know that country stations have objectless extra waiting rooms that
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Speaker 1: nobody ever goes into. And if you know that country
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Speaker 1: folk will forget you if you speak to them, but
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Speaker 1: talk about you all day if you don't. By the
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Speaker 1: exercise of these and other arts and sciences, Humphrey pomp
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Speaker 1: was able to guide his friend across country, mostly in
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Speaker 1: the character of trespasser, and occasionally in that of something
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Speaker 1: like housebreaker, and eventually with sign keg cheese and all
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Speaker 1: to step out of a black pinewood onto a white
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Speaker 1: road in a part of the country where they would
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Speaker 1: not be sought for the presence. Opposite them was a cornfield,
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Speaker 1: and on their right, in the shades of the pine trees,
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Speaker 1: a cottage, a very tumble down cottage that seemed to
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Speaker 1: have collapsed under its own thatch. The red haired irishman's
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Speaker 1: face wore a curious smile. He stuck the ensign erect
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Speaker 1: in the road, and went and hammered on the door.
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Speaker 1: It was opened tremulously by an old man with a
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Speaker 1: face so wrinkled that the wrinkles seemed more distinctly graven
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Speaker 1: than the features themselves, which seemed lost in the labyrinth
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Speaker 1: of them. He might have crawled out of the hole
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Speaker 1: in a gnarled tree, and he might have been a
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Speaker 1: thousand years old. He did not seem to notice the signboard,
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Speaker 1: which stood rather to the left of the door, and
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Speaker 1: what life remained in his eyes seemed to awake in
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Speaker 1: wonder at Dolroy's stature and strange uniform, and the sword
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Speaker 1: at his side. I beg your pardon, said the captain courteously.
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Speaker 1: I fear my uniform startles you. It is Lord Ivywood's livery.
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Speaker 1: All his servants are to dressed like this. In fact,
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Speaker 1: I understand the tenants also, and even yourself. Perhaps excuse
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Speaker 1: my sword. Lord Ivywood is very particular that every man
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Speaker 1: should have a sword, you know, his beautiful way of
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Speaker 1: putting his views. How can we profess, he was saying
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Speaker 1: to me yesterday while I was brushing his trousers. How
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Speaker 1: can we profess that all me and her brothers while
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Speaker 1: we refuse to them the symbol of manhood? Or with
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Speaker 1: what assurance can we claim it as a movement of
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Speaker 1: modern emancipation to deny the citizen that which has in
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Speaker 1: all ages marked the difference between the freeman and the slave.
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Speaker 1: Nor need we anticipate any such barbaric abuses, as my
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Speaker 1: honorable friend, who is cleaning the knives, as prophesied for
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Speaker 1: this gift is a sublime act of confidence in your
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Speaker 1: universal passion for the severe splendors of peace. And he
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Speaker 1: that has the right to strike is he who has
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Speaker 1: learnt to spare all this nonsense with extreme rapidity and
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Speaker 1: vast oratorical flourishes of the hand. Captain Delroy proceeded to
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Speaker 1: trundle both the big cheese and the cask of rum
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Speaker 1: into the house of the astonished cottager, mister Pump, following
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Speaker 1: with a grim placid tea and his gun under his arm.
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Speaker 1: Lord Ivywood, said Dolroy, setting the rum cask with a
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Speaker 1: bump on the plain deal table, wishes to take wine
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Speaker 1: with you, or more strictly speaking, rum. Don't you run away,
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Speaker 1: my friend, with any of these stories about Lord Ivywood
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Speaker 1: being opposed to drink three bottle Ivywood we call him
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Speaker 1: in the kitchen, but it must be rum, nothing but
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Speaker 1: rum for the ivy Woods. Wine may be a mocker,
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Speaker 1: he was saying the other day, and I particularly noted
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Speaker 1: the phrasing, which seemed to be very happy even for
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Speaker 1: his lordship. He was standing at the top of the steps,
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Speaker 1: and I stopped cleaning them to make a note of it.
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Speaker 1: Wine may be a mocker. Strong drink may be raging,
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Speaker 1: But nowhere in the sacred pages will you find one
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Speaker 1: word of censure of the sweeter spirit sacred to them
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Speaker 1: that go down to the sea in ships. No tongue
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Speaker 1: of priest and prophet has ever lifted to break the
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Speaker 1: sacred silence of holy writ about rum. He then explained
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Speaker 1: to me, went on Dolroy, signing to Pump to tap
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Speaker 1: the cask. According to his own technical secret, that the
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Speaker 1: great tip for avoiding any bad results that a bottle
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Speaker 1: or two of rum might have on young and inexperienced
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Speaker 1: people was to eat cheese with it, particularly this kind
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Speaker 1: of cheese that I have here. I forgot its name, cheddar,
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Speaker 1: said Pump, quite gravely. But mind you, continued the captain,
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Speaker 1: almost ferociously, shaking his big finger in warning at the
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Speaker 1: aged man. Mind you, no bread with the cheese. All
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Speaker 1: the devastating ruin wrought by cheese and the once happy
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Speaker 1: homes of this country has been due to the reckless
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Speaker 1: and insane experiment of eating bread with it. You'll get
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Speaker 1: no bread from me, my friend. Indeed, Lord Ivywood has
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Speaker 1: given directions that the allusion to this ignorant and depraved
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Speaker 1: habit shall be eliminated from the Lord's prayer. Have a drink.
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Speaker 1: He had already poured out a little of the spirit
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Speaker 1: into two thick tumblers and a broken teacup, which he
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Speaker 1: had induced the age man to produce, and now solemnly
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Speaker 1: pledged him. Thank ye, kindly, sir, said the old man,
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Speaker 1: using his cracked voice for the first time. Then he drank,
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Speaker 1: and his old face changed, as if it were an
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Speaker 1: old horn lantern in which the flame began to rise. Are,
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Speaker 1: he said, my son, he be a sailor. I wish
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Speaker 1: him a happy voyage, said the captain, And I'll sing
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Speaker 1: you a song about the first sailor there ever was
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Speaker 1: in the world, and who, as Lord Ivywood acutely observes,
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Speaker 1: lived before the time of rum. He sat down on
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Speaker 1: a wooden chair and lifted his loud voice, once more,
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Speaker 1: beating on the table with the broken teacup. Oh noah,
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Speaker 1: he had an ostrich farm and fowls on the greatest scale.
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Speaker 1: He ate his egg with a ladle in an egg
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Speaker 1: cup big as a pail, and the soup he took
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Speaker 1: was elephant soup, and the fish he took was whale.
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Speaker 1: But they all were small to the cellar he took
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Speaker 1: when he set out to sail. And Noah, he often
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Speaker 1: said to his wife when he sat down to dine.
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Speaker 1: I don't care where the water goes if it doesn't
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Speaker 1: get into the wine. The catter racked of the cliff
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Speaker 1: of Heaven fell, blinding off the brink, as if it
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Speaker 1: would wash the stars away. As SuDS go down a sink.
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Speaker 1: The seven heavens came roaring down for the throats of
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Speaker 1: hell to drink. And Noah, he cocked his eye and said,
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Speaker 1: it looks like rain. I think the water has drowned
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Speaker 1: the matter horn as deep as a min dip wine.
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Speaker 1: And I don't care where the water goes if it
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Speaker 1: doesn't get into the wine. But Noah, he sinned, and
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Speaker 1: we have sinned on tipsy feet. We trod till a great,
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Speaker 1: big black teetotaler was sent to us for a rod.
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Speaker 1: And you can't get wine at a psa or chapel
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Speaker 1: or icet at fod, for the curse of water has
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Speaker 1: come again because of the wrath of God. And water
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Speaker 1: is on the bishop's board and the higher thinker's shrine.
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Speaker 1: But I don't care where the water goes if it
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Speaker 1: doesn't get into the wine. Lord Abby Wood's favorite song,
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Speaker 1: concluded mister Patrick Dolroy drinking, sing us a song yourself. Rather,
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Speaker 1: to the surprise of the two humorousts, the old gentleman
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Speaker 1: actually began, in a quavering voice to Chance she George
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Speaker 1: that lives in London Town. I hope they will defend
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Speaker 1: this crown and bony part. Be quite the down on
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Speaker 1: Christmas Day in the morning, old squire is gone to
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Speaker 1: the meet today all in his It is perhaps fortunate
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Speaker 1: for the rapidity of this narrative that the old Gentleman's
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Speaker 1: favorite song, which consists of forty seven verses, was interrupted
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Speaker 1: by a curious incident. The door of the cottage opened,
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Speaker 1: and a sheepish looking man in corduroys stood silently in
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Speaker 1: the room for a few seconds, and then said, without
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Speaker 1: preface or further explanation, for ale, I beg your pardon,
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Speaker 1: inquired the polite captain. Four a l said the man
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Speaker 1: with solidity, then, catching sight of Humphrey, seemed to find
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Speaker 1: a few more words in his vocabulary. Morning. Mister Pump
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Speaker 1: didn't know as how you'd moved the old ship, mister Pump,
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Speaker 1: with a twist of a smile pointed to the old
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Speaker 1: man whose song had been interrupted, mister Mames, seeing after
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Speaker 1: it now, mister Galp said, pump with the strict etiquette
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Speaker 1: of the countryside. But he has got nothing but this
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Speaker 1: rum in the stock as yet bettered out, said the
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Speaker 1: laconic mister Galp, and put down some money in front
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Speaker 1: of the aged Mame, who eyed it wonderingly. As he
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Speaker 1: was turning with a farewell and wiping his mouth with
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Speaker 1: the back of his hand. The door once more moved,
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Speaker 1: letting in white sunlight, and a man in a red neckerchief, mourning,
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Speaker 1: mister Maime, mourning, mister Pump, mourning, mister Gow, said the
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Speaker 1: man in the red neckerchief, mourning. Mister Coot said. The
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Speaker 1: other three, one after the other, have some rum, mister
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Speaker 1: Coot asked, Humphrey Pump, genially, that's all mister Mame's got
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Speaker 1: Just now. Mister Cout also had a little rum, and
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Speaker 1: also laid a little money. Under the rather vague gaze
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Speaker 1: of the venerable Cottager. Mister Coot was just proceeding to
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Speaker 1: explain that these were bad times, but if you saw
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Speaker 1: a sign, you were all right. Still A lawyer up
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Speaker 1: at grunt and abbot had told him so. When the
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Speaker 1: company was increased and greatly excited by the arrival of
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Speaker 1: a boisterous and popular tinker who ordered glasses all round
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Speaker 1: and said he had his donkey and cart outside. A prolonged,
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Speaker 1: rich and confused conversation about the donkey and cart then ensued,
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Speaker 1: in which the most varied views were taken of their merits,
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Speaker 1: and it gradually began to dawn on Dolroy that the
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Speaker 1: tinker was trying to sell them. An idea suited to
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Speaker 1: the romantic opportunism of his present absurd career suddenly swept
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Speaker 1: over his mind, and he rushed out to look at
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Speaker 1: the cart and donkey. The next moment he was back again,
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Speaker 1: asking the tinker what his price was, and almost in
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Speaker 1: the same breath, offering a much bigger price than the
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Speaker 1: tinker would have dreamed of asking. This was considered, however,
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Speaker 1: as a lunacy especially allowed to gentlemen. The tinker had
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Speaker 1: some more rum on the strength of the payments, and
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Speaker 1: then Dolroy, offering his excuses, sealed up the cask and
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Speaker 1: took it and the cheese to be stowed in the
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Speaker 1: bottom of the cart. The money, however, he still left
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Speaker 1: lying in shining silver and copper before the silver beard
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Speaker 1: of Old Maine. No one acquainted with the quaint and
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Speaker 1: often wordless camaraderie of the English poor will require to
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Speaker 1: be told that they all went out and stared at
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Speaker 1: him as he loaded the cart and saw to the
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Speaker 1: harness of the donkey. I'll except the old cottager, who
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Speaker 1: sat as if hypnotized by the sight of the money.
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Speaker 1: While they were standing there, they saw, coming down the
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Speaker 1: white hot road, where it curled over the hill, a
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Speaker 1: figure that gave them no pleasure, even when it was
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Speaker 1: a mere marching black spot in the distance. It was
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Speaker 1: a mister bull Rose, the agent of Lord Ivywood's estates.
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Speaker 1: Mister Bullrose was a short, square man, with a broad
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Speaker 1: square head with ridges of close black curls on it,
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Speaker 1: with a heavy froglike face and starting suspicious eyes, A
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Speaker 1: man with a good silk hat, but a square business.
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Speaker 1: Mister Bullrose was not a nice man. The agent on
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Speaker 1: that sort of a state. Hardly ever, is a nice man.
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Speaker 1: The landlord often is, and even Lord Iveywood had an
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Speaker 1: arctic magnanimity of his own, which made most people want,
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Speaker 1: if possible, to see him personally but mister Bullrose was petty.
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Speaker 1: Every really practical tyrant must be petty. He evidently failed
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Speaker 1: to understand the commotion in front of mister Maames partly
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Speaker 1: collapsed cottage, but he felt there must be something wrong
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Speaker 1: about it. He wanted to get rid of the cottage altogether,
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Speaker 1: and had not, of course, the faintest intention of giving
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Speaker 1: the cottager any compensation for it. He helped the old
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Speaker 1: man would die, but in any case he could easily
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Speaker 1: clear him out if it became suddenly necessary, for he
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Speaker 1: could not possibly pay the rent for this week. The
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Speaker 1: rent was not very much, but it was immeasurably too
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Speaker 1: much for the old man, who had no conceivable way
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Speaker 1: of borrowing or earning it. That is where the chivalry
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Speaker 1: of our aristocratic land system comes in. Goodbye, my friends.
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Speaker 1: The enormous man in the fantastic uniform was saying, all
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Speaker 1: roads lead to Rum, as Lord Ivywood said in one
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Speaker 1: of his gayer moments, and we hope to be back soon,
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Speaker 1: establishing a first class hotel here, of which prospectuses will
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Speaker 1: soon be sent out. The heavy frog like face of
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Speaker 1: mister Bullrose, the agent grew uglier with astonishments, and the
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Speaker 1: eyes stood out more like a snail's than a frog's.
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Speaker 1: The indefensible allusion to Lord Ivywood would in any case
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Speaker 1: have caused a choleric intervention if it had not been
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Speaker 1: swallowed up in the earthquake. Suggestion of an unlicensed hotel
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Speaker 1: on the estate. This again, would have affected the explosion,
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Speaker 1: if that and everything else had not been struck still
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Speaker 1: and rigid by the sight of a solid wooden signpost
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Speaker 1: already erected outside Old Mame's miserable cottage. I've got him now,
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Speaker 1: muttered mister bull Rose. He can't possibly pay, and out
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Speaker 1: he shall go. And he walked swiftly towards the door
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Speaker 1: of the cottage, almost at the same moment that Dolroy
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Speaker 1: went to the donkey's head, as if to lead it
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Speaker 1: off along the road. Look here, my man, burst out
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Speaker 1: mister Bullrose, the instant he was inside the cottage. You
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Speaker 1: cooked yourself this time. His Lordship has been a great
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Speaker 1: deal to indulgent with you, but this is going to
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Speaker 1: be the end of it. The insolence of what you've
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Speaker 1: done outside, especially when you know His Lordship's wishes in
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Speaker 1: such things, has just put the lead on. He stopped
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Speaker 1: a moment and sneered. So unless you happen to have
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Speaker 1: the exact rent down to a farthing or two, about you,
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Speaker 1: out you go. We're sick of your sort. In a
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Speaker 1: very awkward and fumbling manner, the old man pushed a
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Speaker 1: heap of coins across the table. Mister Bulros sat down
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Speaker 1: suddenly on the wooden chair with his silk hat on,
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Speaker 1: and began counting them furiously. He counted them once, he
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Speaker 1: counted them twice, and he counted them again. Then he
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Speaker 1: stared at them more steadily than the cottager had done.
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Speaker 1: Where did you get this money, he asked, in a thick,
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Speaker 1: gross voice. Did you steal it? I ain't very spry
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Speaker 1: for stealing, said the old man in quavering comedy. Bull
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Speaker 1: Rose looked at him, and then at the money, and
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Speaker 1: remembered with fury that Iviewwood was a just, though cold
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Speaker 1: magistrate on the bench. Well, anyhow, he cried, in a
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Speaker 1: hot heady way, we got enough against you to turn
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Speaker 1: you out of this. Haven't you broken the law, my man,
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Speaker 1: to say nothing of the regulations for tenants in sticking
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Speaker 1: up that fancy sign of yours outside the cottage A.
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Speaker 1: The tenant was silence a reiterated the agents. How replied
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Speaker 1: the tenant, Have you or have you not? A signboard
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Speaker 1: outside this house? Shouted bull Rose, hammering the table. The
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Speaker 1: tenant looked at him for a long time with a
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Speaker 1: patient and venerable face, and then said, maybe yes, maybe no.
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Speaker 1: I'll mabbe you, cried mister Bulrose, springing up and sticking
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Speaker 1: his silk hat on the back of his head. I
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Speaker 1: don't know whether you people are too drunk to see anything,
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Speaker 1: but I saw the thing with my own eyes out
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Speaker 1: in the road. Come out and deny it, if you
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Speaker 1: dare car, said mister Mayne dubiously. He tottered after the agent,
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Speaker 1: who flung open the door with a business like fury,
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Speaker 1: and stood outside on the threshold. He stood there quite
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Speaker 1: a long time, and he did not speak. Deep in
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Speaker 1: the hardened mud of his materialistic mind, there had stirred
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Speaker 1: two things that were its ancient enemies, the old fairy tale,
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Speaker 1: in which everything can be believed, the new skepticism, in
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Speaker 1: which nothing can be believed, not even one's own eyes.
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Speaker 1: There was no sign nor sign of a fane in
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Speaker 1: the landscape. On the withered face of the old man name,
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Speaker 1: there was a faint renewal of that laughter that has
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Speaker 1: slept since the Middle Ages. End of chapter five