Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #90 Feeling the Mum-Guilt

Transcript

#90 Feeling the Mum-Guilt · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's a Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coilson, where
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  Speaker 1: Luke and Susie parents of three little boys, and this
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  Speaker 1: is the podcast for those of us who are time
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  Speaker 1: poor parents. But just one answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, this is such a heart wrenching question that we've
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  Speaker 2: received to the show that you're going to try and
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  Speaker 2: address today, Justin, I'll ask you the full question. There's
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  Speaker 2: a lot here.
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  Speaker 1: Okay.
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  Speaker 2: I'm a full time working mum. I struggle with the
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  Speaker 2: guilt of not being at school events or home when
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  Speaker 2: my daughter gets home from school, and being exhausted at
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  Speaker 2: the end of each day school holidays. The guilt sets
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  Speaker 2: in as day after day I go off to work
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  Speaker 2: and leave my daughter at home. I'm not a career person.
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  Speaker 2: I stayed at home for the first fifteen years of
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  Speaker 2: my family's life. But now with one daughter of four
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  Speaker 2: still at home and a single mum, I have to work.
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  Speaker 2: How can working mums resist the guilt?
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  Speaker 3: Feels like the mummy mafia is out There are simple
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  Speaker 3: realities of life, and one of those realities that we
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  Speaker 3: need to warn an income and that doesn't help anybody
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  Speaker 3: who's doing it and leaving their kids at home. It's
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  Speaker 3: a reality, but it's still feels bloh. I think that
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  Speaker 3: the best thing that we can do in these circumstances
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  Speaker 3: is make sure that our kids are getting the very
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  Speaker 3: best that they can from us when we can give
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  Speaker 3: it to them, and that kids usually understand circumstances. I've
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  Speaker 3: just done this. I mean, we're obviously talking about a
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  Speaker 3: child here who's well under their teens. It's probably going
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  Speaker 3: to feel different having this conversation about a child who's younger.
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  Speaker 3: But with my new book coming out in the early
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  Speaker 3: part of next year about teenage girls, I've surveyed about
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  Speaker 3: four hundred Australian teenage girls, many of them around the
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  Speaker 3: age of fifteen, who have said the one thing that
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  Speaker 3: I really wish my parents would do is talk to
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  Speaker 3: me about what's going on in their lives. Like I'm
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  Speaker 3: a teenager, I'm not too far off being an adult.
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  Speaker 3: Don't try to shelter me, don't try to protect me.
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  Speaker 3: If dad's not well, or if dad's no longer in
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  Speaker 3: the picture, or if you're struggling, or if you know
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  Speaker 3: where our finances are falling apart. Don't freak me out
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  Speaker 3: and stress me out over it, but communicate with me
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  Speaker 3: and let me know what's going on. I got the
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  Speaker 3: sense from many of the girls who wrote answers like
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  Speaker 3: that that they were saying, I'm big enough to not
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  Speaker 3: only understand it, but maybe even to contribute or help
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  Speaker 3: in a in one way or another. It could actually
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  Speaker 3: be good for developing perspective and empathy, which is great
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  Speaker 3: if you've got a teenager when you've got younger kids. Again,
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  Speaker 3: I think we all have to do things that we
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  Speaker 3: don't want to do. In a perfect world, we would
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  Speaker 3: all stay home with our children and we would take
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  Speaker 3: them to the beach and we'd have instagram worthy moments
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  Speaker 3: every day, and somebody would just put I don't know,
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  Speaker 3: two hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year into our
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  Speaker 3: bank balance just.
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  Speaker 1: Because so can you make that happen for us? Just
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  Speaker 1: like that?
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  Speaker 3: But that's not life, that's not reality. I wish that
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  Speaker 3: I didn't have to travel. I've got a wife and
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  Speaker 3: kids at home, and I'm traveling around the country sometimes
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  Speaker 3: a couple of times a week to run presentations. I
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  Speaker 3: wish I didn't. We all wish that things could be different,
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  Speaker 3: but they are what they are, and I think just transparent,
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  Speaker 3: honest conversations with our kids. It won't necessarily take the
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  Speaker 3: guilt away, but it helps the kids understand and then
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  Speaker 3: as a family we get to say, well, how do
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  Speaker 3: we fix this, How can we make our time together
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  Speaker 3: the best? What can we do to support each other?
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  Speaker 1: Is it a case where we take the ideal options
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  Speaker 1: in our head of how we parent our children and
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  Speaker 1: make that the baseline, you know, evaluation of whether we're
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  Speaker 1: a good parent or not. So we feel the guilt
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  Speaker 1: because we're not hitting the ideals all the time with
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  Speaker 1: what we If we had all that money in the
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  Speaker 1: world and all the time of the world, we would choose.
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  Speaker 3: To do it this way and a partner who could,
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  Speaker 3: you know, go and do whatever so that we could
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  Speaker 3: be supportive.
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  Speaker 1: It's always we're not pulling our line down to understand
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  Speaker 1: that the world is not full of ideals in utopia.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's unattainable. And so I there's all sorts of
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  Speaker 3: books that are on the market. There's people that you
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  Speaker 3: can talk to to help to overcome the guilt. That's
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  Speaker 3: associated with guilt Ultimately is saying I just I wish
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  Speaker 3: things were different and I'm not happy with how things are.
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  Speaker 3: Guilt is still better than shame. Which is about saying
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  Speaker 3: there is something wrong with me, and what I'm grateful
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  Speaker 3: for when I hear that question is this is a
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  Speaker 3: mum who's not saying there's anything wrong with me, my personality,
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  Speaker 3: my character. I just wish things were different. And you know, normally,
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  Speaker 3: when I sit here, I've got really tidy answers, I've
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  Speaker 3: got helpful things where people can go away and they
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  Speaker 3: can do something different because of what I've said. But
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  Speaker 3: in this case, I have to say they're just aren't
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  Speaker 3: answers for every problem that we face. Sometimes the only
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  Speaker 3: thing that we can do is give it time, let
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  Speaker 3: ourselves and our families develop through things. Circumstances will change eventually,
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  Speaker 3: make the most of a bad hand, and wait until
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  Speaker 3: the next deal and something new might come up that's
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  Speaker 3: really unsatisfying. Well, I'm hearing myself say, going, oh, but
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  Speaker 3: I want to do somebody.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes, isn't isn't the point of guilt if it's unreasonable guilt,
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  Speaker 1: unreasonable expectations, just to know that you know it's okay,
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  Speaker 1: like you're okay, Like it's like you don't need to
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  Speaker 1: feel that guilt, because even the expert goes, you can't
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  Speaker 1: have it all. You can't get it right all the time,
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  Speaker 1: or you can't attain the utopia. I think sometimes that
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  Speaker 1: just makes you feel good to go, Okay, I've been myself,
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  Speaker 1: but I'm the only one who's judging myself right.
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  Speaker 3: And I don't know anybody who's actually got it all
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  Speaker 3: together and who has the perfect balance between their work
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  Speaker 3: and their family and their recreation and their finances. I'm
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  Speaker 3: sure that they do exist. Maybe they're all listening to
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  Speaker 3: the show right now except for this one person, and
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  Speaker 3: she really is all right. But she's not. That's the thing,
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  Speaker 3: none of it, none of us are. It's just hard,
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  Speaker 3: and I don't think there's any tidy answers. But things change,
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  Speaker 3: seasons come and go.
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  Speaker 1: This mum will have other mums in her school who
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  Speaker 1: turn up to every school event. They would do everything else.
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  Speaker 3: Every all events. I mean, to so many assemblies.
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  Speaker 1: Some of them are horrible, some of them are amazing,
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  Speaker 1: some of them are terrible. But like, there are mums
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  Speaker 1: who have this perception of like that they are there
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  Speaker 1: for their children all the time. Why can't my life
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  Speaker 1: be like that? Is that perception a lie like or
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  Speaker 1: is it just a different area that they're struggling in?
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  Speaker 1: How can we look at that and not feel like
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  Speaker 1: we're the ones who are doing the worst job.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's funny. I mean some people make sure that
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  Speaker 3: everybody sees them doing those things as well, So for
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  Speaker 3: some people it's really important. How important is it really
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  Speaker 3: that you're working in the touch shop or that you're
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  Speaker 3: volunteering at the school. It's great if you can, but
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  Speaker 3: not everybody can. And I actually think the percentage of
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  Speaker 3: parents that are doing it consistently is probably a lot
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  Speaker 3: lower than this might imagine. Great if you can do it,
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  Speaker 3: most parents probably can't because most parents are juggling work
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  Speaker 3: and everything else that's going on, and you know, work
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  Speaker 3: is usually during school hours. Don't have any don't have
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  Speaker 3: any great advice other than it will pass.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's it. I remember talking to a
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  Speaker 2: moment at school who showed up to everything, and she said,
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  Speaker 2: but I only show up to everything because I can.
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  Speaker 2: If my situation's changed and I couldn't, then I wouldn't
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  Speaker 2: and it would be okay. And I thought that was
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  Speaker 2: such a level headed approach to it. I show up
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  Speaker 2: because I can, but if I can't, I can't. It's
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  Speaker 2: just as simple as that. That's just the reality of life.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and when this mum has the conversation with her
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  Speaker 3: or she says, you know, if I could be there,
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  Speaker 3: I would be there, yea. If we didn't have rent
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  Speaker 3: to pay, or a mortgage to pay, or groceries to
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  Speaker 3: pay for, I'd be there in a heartbeat. And I
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  Speaker 3: will take a day off here and there for the
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  Speaker 3: most important, most biggest, most wonderfulest moments that I really
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  Speaker 3: do need to be there for. But this is an
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  Speaker 3: assembly where you're going to get a merit award that
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  Speaker 3: says that you've been more behaved in class, and I
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  Speaker 3: just can't be there for that one now.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, Doctor Justin Coulson, thanks for exploring. It's a big
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  Speaker 2: issue this parent girl, but we appreciate you.
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  Speaker 1: Having just an important one to address, and I, I
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  Speaker 1: guess give some freedom.
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  Speaker 2: To For more details on Justin's books, programs, and podcasts,
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  Speaker 2: you can jump online to Happy Families dot com. That
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  Speaker 2: are you and to find out how to have Justin
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  Speaker 2: come and speak at your school, organization or event. You
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  Speaker 2: can find more details at Justin Coulson dot com.